NewsGush: Pardon, Pardew?

by

I must’ve missed this.

The BBC, skilful self-flaggellators of the moment, have issued an apology. On Match of the Day 2 – presumably in the company of new man, Adrian Chiles – old-school football manager Alan Pardew made a bit of a boo boo. When discussing the Chelsea match, ‘Pards’ used an ill-advised verb to describe a Michael Essien challenge:

The 47-year-old said “He’s timed it perfectly. He’s a strong boy. He knocks him off – he absolutely rapes him.”

According to the BBC, there would have been an instant apology, except everyone in the studio thought Pardew had said ‘raked’. Which, to be honest, would have made a lot more sense.

Of course, all this is small-fry compared to some howlers from the ages. Let’s have a look back over past bloopers from the mouths of pundits.

‘Robbie Savage has cut inside, tugged his shirt, bent him over and come forcefully into his eye-socket there – it’s as if he’s skull-fucked Craig Bellamy off the park’.
Lee Dixon on Football Focus, 2004


‘Mark Overmars is a slutty lad who is basically begging to be molested. The way he dribbles the ball – it’s as if he’s wearing a miniskirt and tarty war-paint. Roy Keane slides in and thieves the ball like a hand into a brassiere, passing to Andy Cole who takes an opportunistic upskirt shot with the loose ball. I think we can honestly say that they’ve actively sexually assaulted the nimble Dutchman with that one-two’.
Mark Lawrenson on Match of the Day, 1998


‘You’ll never win anything with kids’
Alan Hansen on Match of the Day, 1995


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114 Responses to “NewsGush: Pardon, Pardew?”

  1. Sue De Nymh Says:

    Something about balls and dribbling and… um…. er

    Football!

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll make it easier for you non-footballery people:

    Pundit uses the verb ‘rape’ to describe a move in a football match, is made to apologise.

  3. Mel Says:

    bit more blah blah for me, i’m afraid. Ill advised, but a storm in a teacup nevertheless.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I agree… there’s a weird line between what’s said in football grounds and what can be said on the TV…

    MORNING ALL.

    Who saw Stewart Lee?

  5. ugeine Says:

    Moisant. Stewart lee oscilated between funny and sheer fuck off bill hicks wannabe annoying last night.

    It’s weird, because ‘rape’ does have a meaning specific to football.

  6. ugeine Says:

    Eeek, I mean it’s used in football to describe things, you won’t find it in a dictionary.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t watch MOTD2, but I’m willing to swallow the BBC line that he actually said ‘rakes’ because, as you say, it makes more sense.

  8. Nick T Says:

    How much longer do we have to put up with this filth!
    I didn’t fight in 8 world wars so that these young idiots could go around raping young men and stealing their balls.
    Lock them up and bring back the birch and national service, that would teach these immigrants a lesson!

  9. Mel Says:

    Morning SH, will you be doing the Stewart Lee thing? I missed this last night, but i have 7 days…

  10. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Michael Essien is a fantastic player. Glad to see him back. Hopefully this is the year that the Champions League title comes to London or more specifically SW6.

  11. ugeine Says:

    Stewart Lee was pretty poor, in my opinion. He was striving for that ‘preacherman’ tag that SH always attributes to Charlie Brooker for some odd reason.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    I thought Stewart Lee was utterly brilliant. And I like Russell Brand.

    And Bill Hicks is overrated because he’s dead, do I have to spell that out again?

    I won’t be covering the show, Mel – I hate recommending stuff.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine – did you watch Nathan Barley?

  14. Mel Says:

    Well, SH, i consider that recommendation enough, so will have a look. Cheers

  15. Excelsior! Says:

    The opening joke about reading one book in your life was brilliant. I fucking love Stewart Lee. His delivery as much as his material cracks me up.

  16. ugeine Says:

    SH: Yes. And if you think it’s autobiographical, that makes me wonder if you’ve watched it.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    No, you moron – I think it’s come true. Life has imitated art, and rather than kicking himself over it a la Dan in the show, Brooker accepts it wholesale – revels in it, in fact.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    You can be forgiven for misunderstanding me, Ugeine, as you don’t live in London. Leave the house of a Saturday morning and from Camden to Whitechapel, every young Nathan Barley you encounter will be poring over The Guide for Brooker’s latest article.

  19. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Mind you Barca are in incredible form though they are a little bit off the boil in recent matches. Messi, though must be the best player in Europe currently.

  20. ugeine Says:

    Alright, let’s try to refrain from chucking insults, eh? Brooker has a late night television show on BBC4 (where as much of the content involves swearing and toilet jokes as bits that were ripped from media studies lectures) A blog in which people chastise him regularly for not been as good as he was when writing tv go home, a column in which he reviews TV shows, a career where he spent the best years of his life reviewing computer games. How the fuck does any of this portray him as a new Bill Hicks?

  21. myopiniononstuff Says:

    That’s a good point about Brooker, SH.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    What? I thought we talking about the ‘Preacherman’ tag?

    I haven’t compared Brooker to Bill Hicks at any point.

    You moron.

  23. myopiniononstuff Says:

    What? I wasn’t comparing Brooker to Bill Hicks. I was comparing Brooker to Dan Ashcroft. What?

  24. Napoleon Says:

    Brooker – I think he’s overrated. I’ve read a few of his Guardian pieces and watched that telly show of his and thought they were alright (though I couldn’t give a fuck about crisp flavours or Big Brother). Nothing special – just alright. I get the impression he’s ‘borrowed’ a lot of his style from the likes of Joe Queenan (a far superior writer in my opinion), though I could be wrong.

    Lee – Excellent. I missed his show because I forgot it was on. Instead I watched a bunch of robbing shitbags stealing off of old ladies on Rogue Traders.

    Brand – talentless arsehole.

    Hicks – Dead, pompous, preaching, self-satisfied, self-righteous boob from Ye Olden Days. Ha ha! He’s talking about Gulf War I – take that, President George Bush Senior!

  25. Swineshead Says:

    Dave wasn’t comparing anyone to anyone, was he?

    What’s going on?

  26. myopiniononstuff Says:

    What?

  27. Swineshead Says:

    I can see why Brand gets all the stick that’s fired his way – all part of the package when you’re as vain as he is.

    Hicks annoyed me at the time – the worst part of his schtick as how seriously he took himself. A degree of self-awareness always makes a routine easier to swallow.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    PS – Ugeine – you’re not really a moron, I was getting excited.

    Dave – shush.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    I have to go and watch the God Channel now.

  30. Nick T Says:

    Ug, Trish died…..

  31. ugeine Says:

    Listen, Creed fan, ‘preacherman’ is a persona invented by Hicks. In episode 2, you see him in a hat and trenchcoat that looks just like Hick’s famous attire, while everyone shouts ‘preacherman’, think this is a fucking co-incidence?

  32. Mel Says:

    SH – why must you go and watch the god channel?

    I pop to an actual meetig to do actual work, and you get a conversion?

  33. ugeine Says:

    Christ, just defeated my own argument.

  34. Nick T Says:

    I can’t get into Noels secret diary.
    Is it broken?
    Twitter is like listening to people’s secret thoughts…
    Eh SH

  35. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I get the impression that Lee could have squashed his three hours of material into a single episode.

  36. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I thought Stewart Lee was quite funny and certainly satirical.
    His delivery reminds me of Dave Allen, albeit without the Irish brogue.

    The program in a round about way reminded of a sketch from Norway.

  37. piqued Says:

    speaking of ‘gaffs’ anyone see this?

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2009/mar/13/george-alagiah-chimpanzee-apology

  38. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – The company I set the site up with has fucked up my credit card payment. I’m hoping to get it sorted out soon.

  39. piqued Says:

    Btw, saw SL and thought his show was fantastic, loved the bit about Ashley Walters, did anyone see the interview with Armando after?

    I too like Brand but I love Bill Hicks. Before I get kicked in the pills for this, I was 18 when he made his debut after midnight on Channel 4 and in the context of the time I’d never seen anything like it before. Instant fan.

  40. Clarry Says:

    Stewart Lee was really good. But that’s what his comedy is like, slow buildy bits and hilarious bits. I thought the sketches between with the actor Kevin Eldon were particularly acersz (apart from the voice up at the beginning and down at the end bit). Oh and the bit about the rappers was a bit annoying. I would give it a solid 8 out of 10.

    NAPS – Rogue Traders was on before Stewart Lee. I suppose you’ve been messing around and recording it on your fancy box and watching it when you felt like it. That’ll teach you (or that’ll learn you as I heard someone say the other day).

  41. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Was it? Arses. I suppose I was watching the bloody news when it was on, was I? I’ll have to watch it on that BBC Player thing if it’s there. I like Stewart Lee, though I wish he’d wash his clothes occasionally.

  42. Clarry Says:

    P – Was that the comedy extra thing that happened if you pressed the blue button. Tried to watch it but my telly was having none of it. It just kept saying loading but then not loading. Was it any good?

  43. piqued Says:

    It was the red button Clarry

    ‘Red lads, R.E.D. RED!’ (name that film, NC should know)

  44. Clarry Says:

    Naps – Rogue Traders was good wont it? I’m glad Matt Allwright gave that fucking arsehole with the redbull a good rollicking.

  45. Clarry Says:

    P – Red, blue, same difference. Whatever I pressed I got to the Comedy Extra screen but nothing happened. Bloody technology…

  46. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine – wake up.

    (I don’t even know what a Creed fan is)

  47. piqued Says:

    (oh, it was very good, very self deprecating. He explained he was trying ‘to make contact’ with Russell Brand in the same way a little boy pinches the girl he fancies)

  48. Nick T Says:

    It just left me there waiting Naps.
    I’m still not sure if I’ve read it all.
    Do you add to it?

  49. Swineshead Says:

    I liked the bit about the rappers – solid precursor to the ‘this book’s not aimed at me’ gag.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    I was a bit miffed with Rogue Traders this week. They allowed a team of fuckwits to butcher a nice old chestnut tree over the course of two days for the purposes of making the point that these fellas didn’t know their arses from their elbows when it came to tree surgery. Fair enough, let the wallies have their fun, but the BBC allowed this to go on until the tree was in danger of dying. Bad form, that.

  51. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Piqued – I had a fine local cheese the other day that was blue like stilton, made from a red cheese. Was it a red or blue cheese I enjoyed? Or both?

  52. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – I thought the Armando interview was a weird mix of irony and self-deprecation…enjoyed it.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Juggernaut, wasn’t it? Fucking superb.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Opkins, ‘Arris, Sharif, Hemmings, Kinnear … they just don’t make ’em like that anymore. I’ll wager some booze was knocked back on the set of that bastard.

  55. Clarry Says:

    SH – I thought the rappers bit was good, but went on a little too long for me. Still made me laugh. Mainly made me laugh coz he was calling it Top on the Pops, which is what me and mum always used to call it.

    I wonder if Chris Moyles got wind of the prog and went off on one of his stupid rants. Wher he starts banging on about viewing/listening figures or summat. Stewart who?

  56. piqued Says:

    Spot on NC, great film.

    Dave, no idea what that was, it sounds like it was from the Midlands

    SH, it made the show ‘whole’ didn’t it

  57. Excelsior! Says:

    I used to call it Top of the Pots when i were a young un. Stupid little bastard.

  58. breeks Says:

    last night i went to the gym and watched neighbours and home and away as i did treadmill course 5 – cross country and then i went home and watched extreme makeover with aforementioned painful housemate whilst fishing on my iphone.

    i am RAWK.

    i could care less about football, tbh.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    It’s ‘couldn’t care less’.

    Unless you actually could care less about it – meaning you care at least a little for the beautiful game.

    Basic English, that is.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    You pay money to exercise? Cash-money? For something you can do for free? Ho ho!

  61. breeks Says:

    sh – thanks. i know. i don’t care.

    naps – yes, i do. that way i get to see nicki chapman’s bits on a regular basis. and nigel havers’ face.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Joseph Fritzel’s lawyer says he’s become the most hated man in Austria. Not a bad achievement considering that’s the country that spawned Hitler.

  63. Swineshead Says:

    Fair enough, Bree. So how did you rate Arshavin’s first goal for the gunners? One from the top drawer, wasn’t it?

  64. breeks Says:

    it was, yes. i was speechless. mostly cause i had nothing to say. mostly cause i didn’t see it.

    (c’mon fulham!).

  65. Napoleon Says:

    Too busy flushing your money down the toilet on iPhones and exercise, I expect?

    (I’m not telling how I know the brand of your mobile – maybe I’m psychic?)

  66. Swineshead Says:

    Oh.

  67. Clarry Says:

    Excelsior! – When I was little there were loads of things I used to get muddled:

    a) Marvin Gaye’s renowned hit ‘Central Heating’. Which if you think about it actually makes sense. ‘And when I get that feeling I want central heating, central heating, oh baby, all night long’.

    b) The Pointer Sisters’ classic ‘Slow Hen’ – ‘want a man with a slow hen,
    I want a lover with an easy touch. God I was naive plus it doesn’t really make sense.’

    c) My young brain also used to clean up edgy lyrics too like Wham!’s (< how would you write that?) hit ‘Young Guns (go for it)’ – ‘Hey sucker (what on the Earth’s got into you?).’

    There were many more…

  68. Clarry Says:

    Point b went all wrong and jumbled.

  69. breeks Says:

    naps – meh. iphone’s pretty good. keeps me off the mean streets, it does, with its ‘flick-fishing’ and ‘up there’ applications. without those i’d be off knifing the very clients i’m paid to protect.

    sh – and when not ‘c’mon fulham!’ it’s ‘c’mon qpr!’.

  70. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I still sing a load of rubbish along to the intro of The Scorpion’s Wind of Change (Gonky Park):

    Follow themmo star,
    Down to Gonky Park
    Following the wings of strangers
    Anordee summo’s (inaudible)
    Zolers yabbing by
    Listening to the wings of changings

    Drives the missus up the wall.

  71. Mel Says:

    Breks, have you had *that* conversation with your housemate yet?

  72. piqued Says:

    So long as it’s not ‘c’mon, c’mon. c’mon, c’mon, you wanna be in my gang’

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – The iPhone’s shite. As for handheld gaming, buy a DS. You can get proper games for one of those, not substandard, N-Gage style crud and trumped-up internet browser games.

    GTA Chinatown Wars is out soon, by the way.

  74. breeks Says:

    mel – no. can’t decide if should or not. at gym last night written in aged-person’s hand was a note about a 1-bed flat near my place for rent. am gonna ring on hope that it’s a nice old lady with no handle on current market prices and then move.

    failing that i’ll just stare impotently at his receding chin for a while longer. a chin whose whiskers tend to live on my bathroom’s splashback.

    *sigh*

  75. Clarry Says:

    Naps – my mum always wilfully sings incorrect song lyrics just to annoy me, or sings the tune wrongly. The ones I mentioned above were innocent misinterpretations. My brain was so pure…

  76. breeks Says:

    naps – i have a ds. i LOVE it. i have completed star wars – the complete saga (lego stylee) and suffered actual grief at its end.

    my ds is RED. i love red.

  77. indy Says:

    Napoleon: fritzl is apparently about to write an autobiography. it is supposed to be a bestcellar.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Did you know there’s still a fully-functioning Gary Glitter UK Fan Club? Did none of these people see the news a few years back? Or recently, for that matter?

  79. Mel Says:

    oooh, can i join in the misheard lyrics. To this day i do not know the correct lyric to the following line that i hear in my head for Sister Sledge’s We Are Family.

    I think it says ‘you give me love in a femidom’

    could *actually* be the lyric, as far as i am concerned.

  80. breeks Says:

    inxs – ‘your knees are so raw, i’ve got to let you go’

  81. breeks Says:

    oh, and ‘love in an alligator’

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Have you played The Legend Of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass on your DS? That’s pretty snazzy.

  83. indy Says:

    Swineshead “Fair enough, Bree. So how did you rate Arshavin’s first goal for the gunners? One from the top drawer, wasn’t it?”

    arshavin was great and somehow i feel very happy with tottenham winning (first time). do you still have the wwm archives from last year? i predicted that it was gonna be about arsenal staying in the top 4… hopefully they will, now that they finally seems to be able to score some goals.

  84. Mel Says:

    Breeks, you should call that number and then get your housemate to move in with the old lady, that is the correct way to go about it. I loathe people without chins. Perhaps you should suggest he grow a beard. This will have the dual function of giving him the illusion that there is more to him, and then you not having to suffer the whiskers.

  85. breeks Says:

    i haven’t but i keep hearing about it from weird guys.

    so i’ll probably buy it. i never went into a GAME shop in my life and now i can barely keep out. i have given up on Civilisation and Sims Castaway, keep rebuilding on Sims City and have some other game i can’t remember and haven’t even cracked open yet.

    beats the metro on the tube. most things do, mind.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Deacon Blue – Real Gone Kid: I’ve always sung the bit where he sings ‘Maybe now baby’ as ‘Mivvin’ up baby’, which doesn’t mean anything.

  87. Nick T Says:

    I have a DS.
    I do that brain training thing *insert joke here*
    I hold the family record for the change thing (22 seconds) ang Germs (765).
    It used to be my youngest daughters untill she got a WII. It’s pink and has cat stickers all over it……

  88. breeks Says:

    mel – but why do that if i can get me a flat on my own with nary a man-who-wears-teenager’s-deoderant’s whiskers anywhere near me?

  89. breeks Says:

    nick – braintraining does not work. ie: it makes no fucking difference.

  90. Excelsior! Says:

    I got loads of things wrong when i was wee come to think of it. I genuinely thought a black comedy meant something like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

    I think i did up till my teens. Growing up in Hull clearly stunted me.

  91. Mel Says:

    Breeks – i thought that you wanted to stay in your flat with your good flatmate, and make the chinless wonder leave? Otherwise, you go ahead and get the flat, before the old crone lets it to that nice mr nutter, who seems so quiet.

    NC – i always thought that lyric in real gone kid was ‘livin’ up baby’?

  92. breeks Says:

    well, yes, that’d be nice but if i can live somewhere else on my own for the price it’d cost to cover the chinless one’s rent/bills then why not.

  93. Mel Says:

    I got caught once by my mum for singing jingle bells batman smells at the school carol concert. She wouldn’t have noticd, but i had to do a solo that year (once in royal david’s city) and they had put me on the front row of the choir. I had been singing like that for so many rehearsals, i forgot the actual lyrics in my nervousness at the forthcoming soprano bit at the start of my song.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    There’s also that Stereophonics one where he’s banging on about having a drink of cheese.

  95. Who Says:

    There’s a bit in a Corrs song, Give Me A Reason, where she sings ‘am I making sausage, gimme a reason’. I will not be told otherwise.

    Where are the Corrs these days? Anyone know?

  96. Mel Says:

    Andrea Corr is acting Eugine.

  97. Mel Says:

    Oops, that was
    a) directed at the worng person, i meant who, but your little icon looks a bit similar (apologies)
    b) spelled incorrectly – sorry Ugeine.

  98. breeks Says:

    when forced to attend church we’d signal our rebellion by singing ‘rock of ages, cleft in me, let me hide (myreallybigpenis) in thee’.

    satan lives.

  99. Nick T Says:

    I agree Breeks, but it helps me wind up Mrs Nick. She has 2 degrees and I barely have an o level…

  100. ugeine Says:

    So I’m the only one that didn’t think much to Stewart Lee then? Considering it was the first time I’d seen him, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.

  101. Excelsior! Says:

    Comedy is pretty much personal taste Ugeine. It was fairly standard S Lee material, so odds are he’s not really your cup of tea.

  102. breeks Says:

    i used to love watching bill hicks when i was totally off chop.

  103. Mel Says:

    Breeks – is this a cooking reference or a very street name for a drug?

  104. ugeine Says:

    Fair enough. He just didn’t seem to tell any actual jokes, his material consisted of harry potter jokes (ooh, relevent) that amounted to saying ‘I’m a grown up, I don’t read childrens books’ (something that Napoleon does on a regular basis) ‘toilet book’ jokes, in which he just complained about the fact some literacy elite doesn’t own all the printing presses in the world, and some guff about the so solid crew member calling himeslf the new jesus (which he didn’t, if you’d listened the quote).

    All this with an air of arrogance that makes Simon Cowell look modest. He did have good comic timing, mind.

  105. breeks Says:

    mel – i think it’s more a colloquialism for being off chop.

  106. Nick T Says:

    I’m going to watch it now….

  107. Mel Says:

    Ok Breeks, as in off chop when you are ill? in which case i would recommend a good dose of columbo.

    Off chop as in cross? in which case you may like some Hicks.

    Off chop as in vegetarian?

  108. breeks Says:

    mel – i mean altered, illegally.

    *scurries away*

  109. ugeine Says:

    mashup?

  110. Mel Says:

    Ooh, i really like tnhat illegal one theydid of the sugababes song…

    *innocent face*

  111. fourstar Says:

    Stewart Lee good.
    Andrey Arshavin good.
    Charlie Brooker good.
    iPhone good.
    Pork pies good.

    Right, back to bed…

  112. Excelsior! Says:

    The Harry Potter stuff was probably the weakest part of it. I think his criticism of celebrity biog books, from people who have absolutely nothing of worth to say, was pretty spot on. It isn’t really that these books aren’t the elite of literature, its the fact they generally consist of 200 or so pages of nothing. I read some fair old crap myself, but you have to draw a line somewhere.

  113. Mel Says:

    Excelsior – life is waaaay to short to read stuff you don’t enjoy. Including me repeating myself ad nauseum on here…

  114. ugeine Says:

    I guess, Exel, I just think I expected more from the guy who did Jerry Springer the opera, and worked on on the hour. Probably my own fault for hyping him up in my head or something.

    SH: I thought you meant Brooker is styling himself as the new bill hicks. I wasn’t myself, I was high on instant coffee, forgive me.

    Brooker: Funny, but at his best as a games journalist / writing TV go home

    Hicks: Funny, but not Jesus / right about everything.

    Lee: wasn’t funny last night.

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