NewsGush: Paxman vs Sugar

by

VS

In a fight to the death – who would your money be on?

I’d back Paxman – he’s got the height, the steely gaze and the mental dexterity to bring the bearded Sugar to his little knees.

What’s more, this isn’t just some fantasy I’ve baked up to distract you from your work – this is the real deal! Paxman and Sugar have seen the sorts of showdown rappers have in the pages of hip hop magazines and in their cleverly constructed rhymes, and they’ve decided, despite their advancing years, to have a slice of the diss pie.

According to Digital Spy, Paxman started this battle when talking to the Radio Times.

Paxman reportedly said that the show was full of “know-alls” with “nothing to say”.

Sugar saw the opportunity to hit back.

Sir Alan said: “That’s the pot talking to the kettle, isn’t it? I mean, he’s the most unpleasant person going.

“I’d like to get into a debate, without him having a day to think up questions to make people seem awkward. I’d like to see how clever he is then.”

He added: “Jeremy Paxman has never interviewed me. I’ve never met him. But I’d like to be thrown in a room with him to debate something someone throws at us rather than him having a crib sheet hiding under the table.

“In my opinion that is cheating, honestly.”

That’s fighting talk, Mister!

I mean, ‘Sir’.

Sorry Sir Alan.

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99 Responses to “NewsGush: Paxman vs Sugar”

  1. ugeine Says:

    Paxman would batter him! Though since he’s the ex Spurs owner, Sir Alan would probably start off poorly then get into an unavoidable slump of form half way through the fight.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Nice Spurs analogy there, ugeine.

    Do you think personal politics might be at the heart of this? A thatcherite free-market exponent versus an ex-member of the Commie party who works for the socialist agenda channel?

  3. ugeine Says:

    Erm, yes, that’s exactly what I thought. That’s a textbook case of a thatcherite free-market exponent versus an ex-member of the Commie party.

    *Hastily throws away Sir Alan nobbing Elizabeth Ann Clough theory*

  4. Thumper Plowman Says:

    I’d probably back Paxman too. I also think that if Sugar lost, he should be stripped of his Knighthood, because I expect Knights of the realm to be able to hold their own in hand-to-hand combat.

  5. Nick T Says:

    I’d back Sugar, Paxman is all talk.

    Plus Sugar doesn’t give a shit, he’s done it all. Paxman has a reputation to maintain.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Thumper Plowman – by that reckoning, Sir Jimmy Saville is a hotshot with a lance.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    My money’s on Paxman. Sugar’s all mouth and no trousers. Anyone can sit behind a desk being rude to people who aren’t mentally capable of fighting back. Paxman, on the other hand, sits behind a … oh, hold on …

  8. Nick T Says:

    Sugar’s an eastender, he’d crush that public school nancy.

  9. piqued Says:

    Sugar

    The ‘you’re fired’ jab moves at roughly 76 mph meaning his finger tip has the same pounds per square inch as Dawn French’s stiletto heels

    Paxman would go flying if Sugar didn’t actually punch his digit through his skull making Paxman go ‘errgghhhh’ before dribbling and crumpling into a heap

  10. Thumper Plowman Says:

    I’d like to think so SH. It’s all very well giving out OBEs and MBEs to famous folk, but if they’re advanced to being a Knight I do expect them to be bold, chivalrous and skilled in the art of war.

    They should at the very least be able to take out a newsreader.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    This article appears to have divided opinion.

    Off topic, Danielle Lloyd’s managed to regenerate her career, I notice – by talking about a history of abuse. Jade’s also got the public’s sympathy – where does all this leave Jo out of S Club 7?

    I bet she’s right pissed off.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    She’s probably sat in her bedsit, blaming her fall from grace on the blacks.

  13. Nick T Says:

    Perhaps she’ll start selling double glazing….

  14. Swineshead Says:

    And eating food with her hands. The dirty caucasian cow.

    I’m cerain Paxman would win this fight. Certain.

  15. piqued Says:

    Was Jo out of S Club the chubby one? Or was that all of the cunts

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – She was the blonde one who wasn’t the foxy-assed Rachael Stevens (after she became street-legal, that is). Nor was she the one who looked like a child Jenny Powell.

    Paxman would win this. Sugar’s too old to be an effective inside fighter, and Paxman’s got the reach.

  17. Napoleon Says:

    Or the other blonde one with short hair.

  18. piqued Says:

    Oh, right. The one with a face like a Docker

    Actually NC, none of them were easy on the eye. Like the original Atomic Kitten line up. I’d rather get roasted by The Flying Pickets

    You’re wrong about Sugar, ‘you’re fired, you’re fired’ imagine that finger in your chest mate, you’d go down just like J Pax

  19. michael Says:

    http://www.youtube.com/zannalaouari
    check this out its awesome

  20. Excelsior! Says:

    Paxmen would certainly win, unless he was distracted by pant discomfort, not enough support etc, as he is prone to. Then Suga could hit him over the head with one of his fucking usless Amstrad creations.

  21. Nick T Says:

    No it isn’t “michael”

  22. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. For one, Sugar’s so small he wouldn’t be able to reach Paxman’s chest, and for another, I have a breastbone that’s as hard as solid steel after having it jabbed at repeatededly for six years by a grotesque little spider called Mike Haines when I was at school. That rat bastard.

  23. Nick T Says:

    Those Amstrad computers were shit

  24. Napoleon Says:

    And how wasn’t Rachael Stevens easy on the eye? She was easy on my bloody eye. AND my underpants. Once it was all above board and street-legal, of course.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – They weren’t, as it ‘appens. The 464 had a massive colour pallette compared to the C64. I looked down on Commodore owners with their drab, colourless games.

    This is back when having loads of colours was a big selling point, kids.

    Yours, Grandpa.

  26. piqued Says:

    You say that NC but a hard breastbone would be yours and Paxers downfall

    You see, there would be no give when the immense and surprising pressure of the thrust connected. Think about it, you’d either be airborne and unconscious or his digit would simply passed through your breastbone making you and Paxo go ‘errgghhhh’ before dribbling and crumpling into a heap.

  27. Clarry Says:

    Here are some stats for your perusal (as i’m bored):

    In the red corner:

    Name: Jeremy Dixon Paxman
    Date of Birth: 11 May 1950
    Hometown: Leeds

    Height: 6′ 3″ (1.91 m)
    Reach: 27″
    Weight: 13 stone 2lbs

    Education: MA English – St Catharine’s College, Cambridge.
    Career: Journalist, author and TV presenter
    Worth: Unknown but salary believed to be £1,040,000 a year

    Football team: Leeds United FC
    Hobbies: Fly fishing
    Potency: Father of 3 children

    In the blue corner:

    Name: Sir Alan Michael Sugar
    Date of Birth: 24th March 1947
    Hometown: Hackney, East London

    Height: 5’ 6”
    Reach: 23”
    Weight: 11 st 7lbs

    Education: Brooke House School (O levels/CSE)
    Career: Businessman
    Worth: £830 million

    Football team: Tottenham Hotspurts
    Religion: Jewish
    Hobbies: Classic car enthusiast
    Potency: Father of 3 children

    * some of these facts may have been made up

  28. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Look there are many elements we are not considering. For example what are the rules of this fight? If it’s a fight to the death, then that would suggest it’s a sort of street fight.
    Also what clothes will they be wearing?

    I would suggest a boxing match first.

  29. piqued Says:

    Stevens wasn’t easy on the eye, she was like a polished little twig. I felt sorry for her over anything sexwise if I’m to be honest.

    Poor tiny thing she was. She’s all just fields now.

  30. Excelsior! Says:

    In all fairness, Sralan would easily win, he could just pay to have some hired goons ruff Paxo up.

    I can just about remember when games came on cassettes. And the instructions probably carved on stone tablets.

  31. piqued Says:

    ‘games came on cassettes’

    Oh my god, that’s disgusting

  32. Napoleon Says:

    It may well be my downfall, but I still fail to see how it would be Paxman’s. Sugar only comes up to his balls, and smacking those about ain’t in no Queensbury’s Rules I’ve ever read. No, Sugar, being tiny, would try to counter Paxman’s height, weight and power by going in close to the bigger man, but his age would render him too slow, and he’d end up getting clobbered by a one-two trademark Paxman KO combo before he could even get in the first kidney punch.

    Sugar’s fucked, that’s what I’m driving at here.

  33. Excelsior! Says:

    You DIRTTTY old man Piqued

  34. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Sugar could turn up with Lee McQ.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    I can remember when games came in cabinets, and the ones you got at home were made from cardboard and were only ever played at Christmas under sufference.

  36. Clarry Says:

    Look at my stats, there’s not much between the age wise…

  37. Clarry Says:

    them obv

  38. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Paxo’s mates are probably not the fighting sort.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – As a woman, you know NOTHING about boxing. NOTHING.

  40. Nick T Says:

    Never saw a colour one. I had to use a dreadfull green screen beige lump of shit. Took half a day to type a letter.
    Games.
    GAMES???

  41. piqued Says:

    Ah ha, you’ve answered your own question NC

    Bear in mind the ‘you’re fired’ jab moves at roughly 76 mph meaning his finger tip has the same pounds per square inch as Jo from S Club’s stiletto heel…

    Earlier I was only talking about applying that lethal pointing to a breastbone or skull, and you really wanna transfer the repeated staccato ‘you’re fired, you’re fired, you’re fired,’ to paper thin flesh skin and soft little egg balls?

    You really wanna do that?

    Then, ho ho, be my guest.

  42. Clarry Says:

    NC – i’m trying my best, I spent ages looking up all those stats so you could decide the outcome of the fantasy fight more accurately.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Erm, no. I said that sort of behaviour’s against the rules. You really should learn to read things properly.

  44. piqued Says:

    God Clarry, you sound like William Hill

  45. Clarry Says:

    Plus surely J Pax’s achilles heel is his middle name – Dixon?

    P.S How do you make things in italics on here?

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – The AMSTRAD 464 CPC. A magnificent machine for its time. The hours I spent getting killed on Renegade, Double Dragon and the utterly unforgiving Ghouls ‘n’ Ghosts.

    Clarry – This ain’t fucking cookery, love! This is sport! SPORT! No place for a woman, y’know? With your gossiping and obsession with collecting shoes. Haven’t you got a certain person’s dinner needs getting on the table?

  47. Clarry Says:

    Soree peeks

  48. Clarry Says:

    *faints*

  49. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I have no idea how you do that.

  50. Mel Says:

    This is clearly how it would go down:

    1) Paxo would sneer at Surrallen, and would hector him a bit before telling him he was apallingly and inutterably stupid
    2) Alan Sugar would mutter something about how useless book learning is over street smarts, and how he built himself up from selling shit out the back of a van to selling useless shit to people on a global scale before moving into property
    3) Paxman would quote obscure stuff from the classics, before telling surrallen that he really does know nothing.
    3) Surrallen would get frustrated at how paxo refuses to listen and to acknowledge his debating style.
    4) More sneering from Paxman
    5) Surrallen takes out a hit on Paxo
    6) Paxo dies, cue surrallen crowing about his victory in the tabs.
    The End

  51. Clarry Says:

    Tell me please. Sometimes when you do stars around something it turns into bold, but it doesn’t do that today.

    Anyone?

  52. piqued Says:

    Rules NC, who said anything about rules?

    Alan doesn’t do rules, he eats them with his thin hairy mouth before he goes a-ball-jabbin’

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – No. Paxman would win. That’s already been proved by men – the guardians of sport.

  54. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Sugar’s a pussy. Paxman would slap that pussy down with his massive, university-educated hands. All Sugar’s got is – as Mel says – ‘street-smarts’, and that equates to fuck all other than the ability to steal tea towels off of a market stall.

  55. Mel Says:

    I think paxman would definitely win in a fair fight, but i do not for one second assume that surrallen will play fair.

    I have probably participated in more sport that you can shake a big old stick at nappers, thus i am equally as qualified to talk shit as the next man. Especially when you happen to be the next man (and that is a whole lot of shit right there, well between the two of us anyway)

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – No you’re not, love. Because you’re a woman, see? Women know a hell of a lot about shoes, clothes, celebrities and how to wipe a baby’s arse, granted, but when it comes to sport they know FUCK ALL.

    And as for playing sport? Sorry, sweet-cheeks, but netball and bikini beach volleyball don’t count. Outrageous.

  57. Mel Says:

    what about darts and snooker? Don’t they count for anything NC?

  58. Napoleon Says:

    Only when a man’s playing ’em, Mel. Any man’ll tell you there’s not enough time of an evening to play a woman at darts – not even if you start the game at seven and the pub’s on a late-licence. Ditto: snooker.

    It’s all about spatial awareness, see? We’ve got it, whereas your mob are too busy remembering something we said at 8:27 p.m. on the night of January 27th, 1989 that you can then hold against us.

  59. Swineshead Says:

    I’m watching BBC4’s I’ve Never Seen Star Wars. much better than i expected. one for catch up – if you’ve got a magic box.

    And Nappers is right – Alan Sugar is a fucking pussy-boy. Paxman would smack him – and smack him GOOD.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    What’s the point of a show about people who haven’t seen something?

    I agree with you agreeing with me agreeing with you about that pussy Sugar.

  61. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Oh yes, I saw this in Metro.

    I read Metro.

  62. Swineshead Says:

    They make people try things they’ve not tried before. Seriously, it’s alright.
    Like a less cynical Room 101.

    JQW – what’s become of you? Why do you read Metro? Have you had brain surgery?

  63. Napoleon Says:

    Wagonwheel – I don’t know why you bother.

  64. Mel Says:

    That never seen star wars thing started on BBC Radio 4.

    I liked it then

  65. Napoleon Says:

    Swines – Oh, I see. So it’s not just people saying, ‘No, I’ve never seen it either,’ then? I didn’t realise. I imagine most people thunk it were a big pile of old shit, did they?

  66. ugeine Says:

    I’ve never seen one Star Wars film. I watched half of Phantom Menace, and walked out half way through to get monged instead.

  67. Swineshead Says:

    They’re doing the National Lottery now – I’ve never bought one of those infernal tickets.

    Does anyone remember that show that followed a bloke who spent the funding for his film on gambling to see if he could make himself rich? He spent a day in a pub scratching scratchcards and after spending hundreds of pounds on the things he made back about 30% of his initial outlay.

    it was a good show, was that.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    It’s not only Star Wars, Nappers. It’s anything you’ve not seen or experienced before.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve seen all of ’em. I liked the first three because I was a child when they came out and it was to be expected. The first new one was a doddering pile of shite, the second new one was worse, and the third new one thought it was being all clever and dark when, in fact, it was a load of arses a four year old could have come up with. On viewing the originals, I now realise they were gubbins too.

    I find it strange when you come across grown adults still obsessed with these films. As sinister and potentially paedophilliac as those characters who read Terry ‘Now What Did I Come In Here For?’ Pratchett novels, or watch Doctor Who when they’re over the age of thirteen.

  70. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I read it because I was on the circle line back from Notting Hill Gate and it helped to cover up my still-drunken face from the small children and worried-looking parents opposite.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I see. So there may well come a time when this show’ll feature a man dressed as Fred Flintstone paddling in a pool full of dog shit, then?

  72. Napoleon Says:

    Wagonwheel – I didn’t mean why do you bother reading the Metro paper, I meant why do you bother commenting? Everyone’s fucked off by the time you turn up.

  73. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    That’s because they’re afraid of my visceral commentary. Afraid.

  74. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: Nice little Pratchett jibe there. The one I’m reading has so far referred to Churchill, Greek mythology, quantumn pyshics, The Diet of Worms, Chekhov and the ear / mouse thing. Is this the kind of stuff you read to your children? Might explain a few things…

    If you want a childrens book to throw into that list, try The Hobbit.

  75. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t mind Pratchett the person, but I can’t abide his books. Can’t really see the point of a novel touching in the most shallow of ways on such complex themes, when it could explore one theme thoroughly. That’s what proper writers tend to do.

  76. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    SH – I’ve always thought exactly that about Pratchett. And he slips into the bad-sci-fi-weird-character-names trap. The fact that your protagonist is called Wijjytits does not make him/her a more interesting character.

  77. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Why not throw Pandora’s Box, the Luftwaffe, the sacking of Constantinople and astronomy into the mix, too? It’s not like you’ll be able to explain any of those in any great or meaningful detail either. That’s why we have grown-up books, see?

  78. Swineshead Says:

    I did enjoy Pratchett’s show though. Winningly honest.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Couldn’t be arsed with that. The man’s voice runs right through me like a fucking knife.

  80. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: Of course I can’t understand them, that doesn’t have anything to do with it. I don’t understand why a monkey would piss in his mouth but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtp5Hz6msVE

    You know, I typed out this response about how this yadda yadda and how that bleugh and how you’re blah, then I read it back and realised how utterly retarded this whole argument is.

    Now I’m trying to work out what’s more sad: Me sticking up for Pratchett over the internet to some random opinionated stranger (No matter how wrong you are, which is more then a sack of dead school girls) or you winding away your days by baiting strangers on the internet.

  81. ugeine Says:

    Oh, I’ve decided it’s you.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – It has everything to do with it. You threw in a load of random clever things in an attempt to prove Pratchett’s not for kids, I suggested throwing in some more because it makes not the slightest bit of difference. You can bang on for eight pages about Plato in a children’s book, but just because you have doesn’t stop it being a children’s book. And that’s what Pratchett writes – children’s books.

    As for what’s more sad – that’ll be you sticking up for children’s books you should have grown out of by now, you backwards simpleton.

    You also seem to infer that winding away my days doing as little as possible is a bad thing. You hapless drone – get back to work!

  83. Swineshead Says:

    Come off it Ugeine, we’ve both been baiting strangers on the internet (like it’s going out of fashion) since the salad days of EC – it’s a right load of fun.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    It’s only not fun when somebody’s trying to prove a wafer-thin point, apparently. Then it’s ‘sad’. The argument of a stroppy teenage girl, Swineshead.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    It’ll be ‘immature’ next …

  86. ugeine Says:

    You seem to know a lot about his 40+ books (that includes his Discworld series, 55 million copies sold worldwide, in all good bookstores now) for a person that hates him, you know…

    *cough* CLOSET PRATCHETT FAN *cough*

  87. ugeine Says:

    SH: I know, I’m the biggest hypocrite ever. I actually typed that while simultaneously baiting a bunch of Christian Hip Hop fans on some random site, so I’m surprised the universe didn’t collapse on us to be honest.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Sticking up for Pratchett in the face of an opinonated stranger’s barbs over the internet, are we? Bit … er .. sad of you, eh?

    (I read his rubbish as a child, by the way)

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Why am I a stroppy teenaged girl, Napoleon?
    Eh?

    If only – I’d get to play with my own nubile knockers if that were the case – every man’s sordid fantasy.

  90. ugeine Says:

    You managed to read his books in the 1640s?

    Nice feat, considering the majority of his award winning and utterly brilliant discworld series (Including Small Gods, which Came 102nd in the Big Read and The Hogfather, now a major TV adaptation starring David Jackson) came out in the nineties, and I’m pretty sure you’re older then me.

    (Next convention is at Dartmouth, bring your wizard costume, it was ace)

  91. Napoleon Says:

    I was saying Ugeine’s ‘sad’ argument was one you’d expect to come from a stroppy teenage girl, Swineshead. A bit like Breeks’s ‘whatever’ when somebody dares to contradict her nonsense.

    You I see more as a surly teenage boy who’s caned on cheap dope in a Sheffield night club in about 1996.

  92. ugeine Says:

    What’s that Napoleon? You enjoyed reading the first Discworld novel so much (The rightly revered Colour of Magic) you wish there was a major TV adaptation with major telly stars?

    Well, my friend, it’s your lucky day!:

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/Colour-Magic-DVD-David-Jason/dp/B001EM1E8A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1237401223&sr=8-1

  93. ugeine Says:

    YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME, I WISH I WAS DEAD

    *runs to room*

    *plays So Solid Crew really loud*

    *pouts*

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – A quick hunt around the internet tells me his first piece of crap came out in 1983. That would make me eight years old at the time. As I say, I read some of his rubbish as a child, then grew up and stopped reading his children’s books (because they’re for kids, see?).

    So, anything else?

  95. ugeine Says:

    No, that’s it.

    I’m going to get stoned and watch the Moomins now.

    Night!

    (seriously, you’re only 28?)

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Those maths don’t add up, Ugeine.

  97. Nick of the T Says:

    Pratchets kids book “Marvelous maurice and some rats or something” is one of my favourites. the david Jason Hogfather was shit, just shit. I have read all of pratchets books and have loved them all. i care not if they touch on complex issues or if they touch my nob. I just love em.

    I was born on 1964 DO DA MATH…

    That Herring was dull , just dull but he wasn’t shit. Just didn’t do it for me..

    *slinks off into the night to drink JD and play poker*

  98. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Haha! A chimp pissing in its own mouth!

  99. WEBTHUMP! TWITTER SPECIAL! Friday 20 March 2009 | Hecklerspray Says:

    […] 7 – Paxman Vs Sugar: who’d win? – Watch With Mothers […]

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