The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview!


The Apprentice 2009 BBC

It’s here!


(Edit – it actually is here now – Ep. 1 reviewed over here)

By now you’ll be well aware that the new series of The Apprentice begins on the 25th of March.

As has become the tradition, the BBC have issued some scant but tantalising details about the runners and riders. So let’s have a look at them, here and now – and make some wildly speculative judgements on their good character while we do so.

Anita Shah

Anita Shah

Anita is inspired by James Caan, it says here, so she’ll be the one stroking her beard in a warehouse, too nervous to invest in anything. She ‘can make impactful statements’ she adds. I’m not sure if ‘impactful’ is a proper word, so she’s made an impact right from the off with this year’s first taste of language-mangling, or ‘langling’ as I like to call it, impactfully.

Ben Clarke

Ben Clarke

Viewers of HBO’s The Wire will know Ben from his role as Democrat candidate (and, latterly, Mayor of Baltimore) Tommy Carcetti. Ben states that ‘making money is better than sex’ – the sort of claim that demonstrates the speaker is a one-minute-man.

Debra Barr

Debra Barr

Firstly – that’s not how you spell ‘Deborah’. Secondly, any woman with ‘a passion for business and a love of horses’ is instantly terrifying. Add all this to the cold eyes of a killer, and Debra’s already looking like a candidate to fear.

Howard Ebison

Howard Ebison

Howard’s an award-winning dancer, apparently – so expect a few jokes at his expense from Alan Sugar – the ultimate man’s man. A part qualified CIMA (Management) Accountant, Howard looks a little bit like Ben Mitchell off Eastenders in this promo shot, minus the hearing aid.

James McQuillan

James McQuillan

James is a former child chess champion and a football fan. His profile doesn’t feature any incriminating quotes, so it’s possible this fellow’s a Lee McQueen type. But we won’t know until we tune in.

Kate Walsh

Kate Walsh

Kate says she has ‘the ability to sustain business relationships at all levels’ – and I haven’t the foggiest what that’s about. She’s ‘highly motivated’ and has ‘really achieved within a corporate environment across sales, marketing and a number of different aspects of business’. Yes, Kate – but what does that actually MEAN?

Kimberly Davis

Kimberly Davis

Kimberly’s an American – but ‘not a typical New Yorker’, which is a stereotype she says she’s faced. I don’t know what a typical New Yorker is. A hot dog vendor? A cab driver? George Costanza? She’s an accomplished musician and dancer, so should there be a musical round, her and Howard can team up and really impress with an all-singing, all-dancing song and dance.

Lorraine Tighe

Lorraine Tighe

The obligatory single-mother, Sugar will no doubt be onside with Lorraine as she’s had more life experience and has ‘had a very hard time’. She sums up her attitude to business as the ability to drive a dead horse to the winning line – which is pretty much what’s expected of her here – so good luck pushing those moribund equines to disaster, Lorraine.

Majid Nagra

Majid Nagra

Majid is a Business Development Manager who got expelled from school. Sadly no details are forthcoming regarding his expulsion – do they kick kids out for ‘schmoozing and bullshitting’? He runs youth charities and has his own car hire business and the papers point to the fact that he might be a source of comedy.

Mona Lewis

Mona Lewis

‘Former beauty queen’, it says here. Mona’s also not educated beyond her A Levels, and that lack of formal education will probably chime with Sugar. She says she wants to do this for her son, so expect much hand-wringing about wanting to provide her boy with the kind of opportunities she never had, etc…

Noorul Choudhury

Noorul Choudhury

Confusingly, Noorul has a CIM qualification – he’s a chartered marketer – but he works as a science teacher. A strange career change that, considering the CIM is bloody difficult to get. He also deals in cliches, believing himself to be ‘feisty’, ‘ambitious’ and ‘driven’. Interviewing this lot must’ve got terrible repetitive.

Paula Jones

Paula Jones

There’s often a mental redhead – remember Jo and last year’s Jennifer? – and ‘scatter-brained’ Paula looks like she might be there to fill that slot. She was born and raised in Wallsall, so we can look forward to editing that mocks her outrageous Brummie accent.

Phillip Taylor

Phillip Taylor

Phillip has the generic sales-face. Notice the complete lack of character and the identikit haircut. Completely unremarkable. But it’s very early days – for all I know he’s a genius and a wit, but on the strength of this quote: “Business is the new rock ‘n’ roll and I’m Elvis Presley”, chances are he’s not.

Rocky Andrews

Rocky Andrews


Seriously – ‘Rocky’??

Apparently ‘Rocky’ is on £100,000 per year already – so his only reason for appearing is good, ol’ fashioned showing off. He owns a chain of sandwich shops after leaving a promising career in football due to injury. God knows why he’s taking part.

Yasmina Siadatan

Yasmina Siadatan

Going by this photo, Yasmina looks to be quite suitable for television. Her profile blurb hasn’t annoyed me at all, and I’m not sure if that’s because of her presentable photo. It probably is.

Go Yasmina!

*   *   *

And that’s your lot. All of last year’s Apprentice reviews are here. if you’re feeling nostalgic.

See you on the morning of the 26th.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

254 Responses to “The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview!”

  1. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    “Business is the new rock ’n’ roll and I’m Elvis Presley”.

    This worries me…I thought it was cooking!

    (Perhaps a Friday question there Swines, if ……. is the new rock n’ roll which band/singer would you be?).

    Should be a formality at Wembley for the Superblues. (why do they feel compelled to play the semis at Wembley?).

    Looking forward to the Champions League draw.

  2. Napoleon Says:

    I’d say a typical New Yorker is Judd Hirsch off of Taxi.

    Now then. My money’s on Rocky to win this. If you’ve seen the films ‘Rocky’, ‘Rocky II’, ‘Rocky III’, ‘Rocky IV’, Rocky V’ and ‘Rocky Balboa’, you’ll know people with the name ‘Rocky’ always win. Except in ‘Rocky’ and ‘Rocky Balboa’, where he doesn’t win. But anyway …

  3. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Do you think his name really is Rocky?

  4. Napoleon Says:

    “Should be a formality at Wembley for the Superblues. (why do they feel compelled to play the semis at Wembley?).

    Looking forward to the Champions League draw.”

    Instantly, 90% of WWM readers switch off.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – Yes. He looks young enough to be born after parents ceased to be sensible and became imbeciles who’ll name a child ‘Storm’, ‘Thunder’ or, indeed, ‘Rocky’.

  6. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Oh come on once they’re here football takes a nosedive.

  7. Mel Says:

    aaah, it was the apprentice reviews that got me reading this blog, because i was missing out, and just wanted to catch up. Almost the anniversary if you will.

    Oh dear though, this looks like quite a shower. I am absolutely convinced that Louise Tighe has been in something before. Quite hard to forget that nose.

    Can i also say there is nothing wrong with liking horses. Especially if it could be argued that you (or in this case Debra) would fit in as well within the herd as riding it…

    The Guardian (yes, the Guardian NC, i read the Guardian, suck it up!) was reporting yesterday that the Apprentice had been credit crunched this year, so we will not be able to look forward to the hilarious episode where they all go off to some foregin market and try to barter with them in pidgeon English and faux French. Shame that.

  8. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I always chuckle at the episode of The Simpsons when Homer changes his name to Max Power.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Yes – Mikey- keep off the football till at least 3pm, for God’s sake. I’m not replying to your (admittedly decent) footie queries on principle. Please talk about The Apprentice for as long as you can muster – it’s this website’s bread and butter after all.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    I’m of the belief that reading only the Guardian as a daily paper will melt your mind, so I temper it with a copy of The Times. Or I just don’t read the paper.

    This makes you a brain-washed leftie and me an all-rounder. Do you see?

  11. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – It depends how much you like horses, doesn’t it? There’s liking horses, and then there’s really liking horses. Eh? Eh?

  12. Mel Says:

    SH, i also read the Torygraph for balance, and then occaisionally the Hate Mail, if i have run out of manga.

  13. breeks Says:

    i find every single one of these people’s faces hideously worrying. there’s a frightening mix of bulldog jaw, grossly uneven features, disturbing determination mixed with blanking synapses, and what the fuck is with all the sideways looks at the camera, apprentices?

    also aren’t they all just a tad old to be apprentices. if they’ve not made it by now they never will.

    i must admit i very rarely watch this show, but for the last year or two i’ve not needed to. thankyou WWM. thankyou.

    also, i got an email on facebook from ‘cammy’. did y’all?

  14. Mel Says:

    Nappers, this is the Apprentice, not Equus.

  15. Nick T Says:

    Did anyone else get a weird email from the WWM facebook group?

    Sorry but I hold ‘prentice in the same high esteem as Big Brother.
    Too many idiots doing idiotic things for too long.

  16. Mel Says:

    Nick, you have also successfully managed to describe the WWM comments section on any given day there too.

    I am not a facebook fan, so no obscure e-mails for me. Just one about my appraisal, that i am trying to ignore…

  17. breeks Says:

    oh, and i like horses. love them, actually, in a non-sexy way.

    and my aunt’s name is debra. spelt debra. it sort of sounds like a countryside affiliation, debra (department of environmental big red agriculture, for example), but it’s ok.

  18. indy Says:

    her name is debra (debra?), it never suited her…

  19. Mel Says:

    I also like horses in a similar non-sexual way Breeks. I also happen to think that Debra bears a striking resemblance to a Welsh cob.

    Your Debra affiliation made me do a ROFFLE.

  20. breeks Says:

    oh, might i just add that when at the pub last night with my cool housemate, chatting about the Uncool Housemate, we were lucky enough to be sat next to Dec (without Ant), that Liz wotserface chick from atomic kitten, antony costa and a few other tall blokes i heard doing blow in the dunnies.


    i’m well lucky, i can’t tell you.

  21. Mel Says:

    What was the conclusion that you reached? Re the Uncool flatmate.

    It must be like Stellar Street round your way. Who would have known that Chiswick would be such a magnet for the stars?

  22. breeks Says:

    yeah, it’s brill. we saw emma someone what was a newsreader, too, recently. eating somewhere we were eating. can’t remember. and rageh omaar has been doing a bit of work on his front door this week. tops.

    re: uncool flatmate – well, i looked at a couple 1-beds last night and me and cool housemate got slightly oiled up and decided to tell Uncool Housemate tonight that ‘it’s not us, it’s you, it’s just not working out’ but this morning with mild hangovers and a lack of ball-age we’re trying to yet again fix the situation by doing nothing.

    failing that i might be in with the old lady’s flat i saw last night which is big, near where i live now, and is furnished with a single bed. *sigh*

  23. Swineshead Says:

    I think I once upset Breeks in a pub, talking about horses. Or at least made her a bit pissed off.

    I can’t remember very well as I was pumped up on highly alcoholised lager at the time…

    I’ve got brain-ache.

  24. Mel Says:

    Ooh, delightful. A single bed. That sounds ominous. There’ll be no gentlemen callers, and no visitors at all after 8pm. Hope that she doesn’t live anywhere near…

  25. breeks Says:

    i still have a video of that night, SH, which has your mate-from-home on it too.

    you’re singing ‘australia’ by the manics. not well but impassioned.

    i OWN you.

  26. Nick T Says:

    I dislike horses as they are vicious vindictive bastards.

    They demonstrated this behaviour during a holiday in Spain when I was 8.

    I fully expect a new ITV show where 2 flatmates think of different ways of evicting their unliked male counterpart.
    Hosted by Ant & Dec naturally.

  27. breeks Says:

    nick t – brilliant. i can commission the freelance ITV to produce it, no? and get mr breeks to sort the rest as he’s in that line of work. meeja. bah.

  28. Nick T Says:

    Oi SH, someone has hacked into the WWM facebook group and is sending spam, not of the greasy kind. Cammy Stevenson is the name of the culprit.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Phil’s claim that if business is the new rock ‘n’ roll, he’s Elvis Presley doesn’t make sense. Surely, seeing as Elvis was rock ‘n’ roll’s king, that title would go to Wal-Mart owner Robson Walton? Indeed, if we delve further into Phil’s bizarre delusion, this new rock ‘n’ roll’s Buddy Holly would be Bill Gates, and its Little Richard would somebody like … erm … Warren Buffet? Even the impactfully-haired Donald Trump would only scrape in as a Big Bopper or a Richie Valence.

    Moving over to our side of the pond, the likes of Sugar could only dream of being Cliff Richard, as that honour would go to steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal. Sugar, indeed, would count himself lucky to be known as the Joe Brown of this new rock ‘n’ roll.

    So, bearing all that in mind, what figure from rock ‘n’ roll history is best suited to a nondescript game show entrant who’s competing with several other wallies to win a job at AMSTRAD?

    The bloke who made Bill Haley’s sandwiches?

  30. breeks Says:

    richie valence, obv.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Bastard – I can’t be bothered with dealing with that, Nick – I’ve got brain ache.
    Can you report her? I don’t have the password for that account any more…

  32. breeks Says:

    i followed ‘cammy’s’ link. it’s shit. i did it on a work computer, too.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Breeks – wasn’t the same night. That was in Pool Bar, but the horseplay occurred in Angel – that theatre bar. I’ve got quite a good memory for a man with brain ache.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – that comment was more or less a whole Just a Thought,

  35. Mel Says:

    What’s the matter with you SH – do you have manflu? Or a hangover from St Patrick?

    I have the latter

  36. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t drink, Mel – it’s a lack of sleep in addition to staying up late watching a recorded football match.

    *falls unconscious*

  37. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Also Naps, is he suggesting that it is only rock n’ roll that can be included in the business world. I mean wahta bout, Blues, Reggae, Rap (as you see on Top of the Pops) et al?

  38. Clarry Says:

    God they look like a dreadful bunch. Airbrushed within an inch of their lives, yet still look all weirdz.

    With regard to ridiculous cvs, I was laughing at a tender bid we put in for a v big project yesterday. Coz it was so big we had to go in with another company and because the job was in Scotchland they like to have some Scotchlanders in on the job. Well flicking through the cv section of their half of the document I came across one bloke who under the qualifications section wrote ‘Professional footballer. Played for Motherwell FC, Rangers FC and Scotchland.’ In his ACTUAL cv… that was not a joke.


  39. Mel Says:

    Oh, i wish i didn’t drink too SH. But then i usually say that on the day after St Patrick’s day.

    If it was recorded, why didn’t you just watch it at a more convenient hour?

  40. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – They always say something’s the new rock ‘n’ roll, don’t they? Eventually nobody’s going to have the faintest idea what that means.

  41. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – There’s a solution to your problem: Stop celebrating someone else’s saint’s day.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    I had to know the result, Mel – I didn’t want that cheeky hyperactive bloke on Breakfast telling me what happened as I drank my morning tea. (We won)

  43. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    If i cruised up to Siralun and said look “I am the Youssou n’ Dour of the business world”, would he say. “Sorry mate that’s not rock n’ roll …you’re fired!”.

  44. myopiniononstuff Says:

    The Apprentice confuses me. All the contestants come across as moronic plebs who don’t know their arses from their elbows yet are obviously highly astute, tenacious little business-minded rascals.

    The format’s confusing.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    Caption that just came onscreen to introduce today’s Trisha (I had to rewind to confirm I wasn’t imaginerising it):

    “I haven’t raped her”

  46. Nick T Says:

    This is the new rock and roll.
    I wrote it last night

  47. Mel Says:

    Nappers – he is half my saint too, and it is my usual custom to celebrate this as a precursor to my actual brthday. This year, it fell on a wednesday – hence going out and celebrating at the weekend instead.

    My Irish great aunt would always put 50p on dsome three legged creature in the Gold Cup for my birthday too. She would choose the horse wirth the longest odds, and then send me the ticket. They are all still running. Unlike my Great Aunt, who passed away earlier this year. I miss her, she was brilliantly eccentric.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – I don’t think he’d appreciate that at all. In fact, Sugar strikes me as not liking music at all. Like most successful businessmen, he’s far too busy to listen to or know anything about music. For evidence of how music and business don’t mix, see: Hamfatter / Jones, Peter.

    I reckon if Phil told Sugar he was the Elvis of the business world, Alan would ask him who the hell he was talking about, and then start shouting that nobody makes a monkey out of him, even though he looks like a wizened old monkey in a suit.

  49. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Yes how are Hamfatter doing? I see Levi has brought some sauces out.

  50. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Yes how are Hamfatter doing? I see Levi has brought some more sauces out.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    I haven’t seen the Hit Parade in a while, but I imagine Hamfatter are somewhere near the top.

  52. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Hamfatter are still supporting high school bands in Academy 3s across the land at 3pm on a third Thursday of the month, DINLT.

  53. breeks Says:

    sh. – angel? hmmm. ah. was it r’s birthday? hmmm. so many drunk nights. so long ago.

    thank god i’m an adult now.

    also, couldn’t you just have fast forwarded to the end of the soccer game – fast track your way to sleep.

    (i went to uni, i’m quite smart).

  54. Mel Says:

    Is there a new series of Dragons Den scheduled?

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Usually DD turns up a couple of months after The Apprentice finishes.

  56. Mel Says:

    Cheers Nappers

  57. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Are we going to do our first live Twitter to mark the opening episode of The Apprentice?

  58. breeks Says:

    DINLT – please, god, no….

  59. Nick T Says:

    I want that pen on Gems tv

  60. Mel Says:

    The Times is reporting that one of the Apprentice cast has quit already.

  61. breeks Says:

    they did quit before the promos – there were 16 twit-victims to begin with.

  62. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Yeah I saw that too Mel. It got me thinking though that in previous series’ the filming seemed to be with autumnal backdrops. So are they filming it more near the actual showing of the program, or was I merely wrong in my initial assumption?

  63. Mel Says:

    Ah i see. Cheers Breeks i had considered opening a book. That would have been a waste of time -eh?

  64. Nick T Says:

    Tricia is riveting, must watch!!!

  65. Nick T Says:

    “did my jealous brother in law steal my overcoat”?

  66. Napoleon Says:

    The brother’s claiming to be the ‘optional owner’ of the coat. I don’t understand what that means.

  67. Mel Says:

    Maybe he has shares in the coat Nappers?

  68. Napoleon Says:

    The sister has consulted the dead and the spirits have told her her brother has stolen her other brother’s coat.

  69. Mel Says:

    Good god, where do they find these people?

  70. breeks Says:

    i am actually despairing at this trish commentary.


  71. Nick T Says:

    It gets better and better

  72. Nick T Says:

    This is special though breeks, I promise

  73. piqued Says:

    Tricia has a face like a broken vase

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – It’s a tangled tale is this. It boils down to whether Brother 1 swapped his cheap coat for Brother 2’s expensive coat. One coat cost £100, the other £12.50 from OXFAM. Meanwhile, the spirits are siding with Brother 2, according to their sister who’s ‘got this feeling’ after being talked at by the dead whilst driving along the motorway.

  75. Clarry Says:

    *gently weeps at the thought of her interesting anecdote being completely ignored – even DINLT and SH who supposedly like football*

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – You need to lighten up, love. This Tricia business is miles better than your crappy Masterchef flaff.

  77. piqued Says:

    Jesus, poor sod

  78. breeks Says:

    trisha was, once, a well respected children’s tv presenter in oz.

    then she went mentalist and crazy and ended up returning to the uk where she could present ‘real’ telly.

    *still despairs*

  79. Nick T Says:

    Clarry, welcome to my world….

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Now Brother 2’s saying Brother 1 hasn’t brought the allegedly stolen coat to the studio. He’s brought a similar coat to deceive Brother 2. No word from the dead as yet.

  81. Clarry Says:

    *removes cloak of invisibility*

    Hi Nick!

  82. Mel Says:

    This has to be the best one yet. A ghost is telling a sister that someone may have someone elses coat, and a brother got scared by said ghost along the motorway?

    Have i been in a coma for the 2 weeks following St Paddy’s day, and have now woken up on April Fools’ day?

  83. breeks Says:

    naps – true enough. trisha is, at least, about really important stuff. stuff that keeps people alive. stuff like what food isn’t.

  84. Nick T Says:

    I can’t wait for them to come back for a lie detector. WTF is “The Truth Chair?” Is it like the naughty step?

    Hey Clarry, so…this anecdote

  85. Mel Says:

    And talking to the dead Breeks, don’t forget that one.

    Do people really beleive in that nonsense?

  86. Mel Says:

    i.e. does the sister look genuine? Or a bit speshul?

  87. Nick T Says:

    I don’t even believe in the dead Mel.
    They’re just faking it…

  88. Clarry Says:

    I’ll try again…

    With regard to ridiculous cvs (cleverly bringing the convo back to the Apprentice, like what we’re supposed to be talking about), I was laughing at a tender bid we put in for a v big project yesterday. Coz it was so big we had to go in with another company and because the job was in Scotchland they like to have some Scotchlanders in on the job. Well flicking through the cv section of their half of the document I came across one bloke who under the qualifications section wrote ‘Professional footballer. Played for Motherwell FC, Rangers FC and Scotchland.’ In his ACTUAL cv… that was not a joke.

    And the job *wasn’t* to be a professional footballer. He was just showing off and needed to fill out the otherwise blank section.

  89. breeks Says:

    there are entire shows dedicated to weird looking dudes who ‘hear’ the dead and ‘share’ their messages.

    fuck’s sake. i’m a bit angry.

  90. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Food keeps you alive, yes, but that’s no reason to show it being cooked and eaten on television. There’s loads of stuff that keeps you alive we don’t watch on TV – shitting, for example. If we didn’t shit, our bowels would rupture and we’d die. Should that be on TV? Shitting? Because it keeps you alive?

    On the other hand, watching two people arguing over a stolen coat is just the sort of thing we should see more of on our screens. Beats three morons cooking some food for two other morons to eat for the chance to win a title that means nothing.

  91. Mel Says:

    Clarry, what a delightful tale of recruitment. Did he mention any conversations he may/may not have had with deceased persons?

  92. Mel Says:

    I do hope that Trisha isn’t jumping the shark, like that Jerry Springer did. You couldn’t get on that programme at all unless you were violent, and and sexual predilections for midgets/horses/women that can breastfeed you.

    God knows, i tried enough timmes.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Was there a time when Jerry Springer wasn’t like that? I came to the Springer party late, so didn’t know it used to be sensible.

  94. breeks Says:

    when you put it like that, naps…

    *eats food bought from iceland*

  95. Clarry Says:

    Thanks Mel.

    *removes fingers from electric socket*

    No, unfortunately he didn’t elaborate on any talents her may or may not have for conversing with dead people. Maybe if he had we’d have got the job…

  96. Nick T Says:

    We’ve all made up stuff on our cvs haven’t we?

    *performs brain surgery*

    Didn’t Ramsey lie about playing fooball?

  97. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Trisha’s been axed, you fools! Is this a telly blog or a creche for bored people?

  98. breeks Says:

    anyone remember donohue?

    now that was a show. i loved phil, me.

  99. Mel Says:

    I used to do recruitment too Clarry, and it used to make me despair reading the CVs of some of the no marks. I too would probably have given them a chance if one of them had written ‘can talk to dead people’ on their CV.

    NC – well it was always with unstable people that were likely to go off at one another, but it did used to be about paternity tests and such, before it becameabout all men that like to wear nappies cheating on their wife with their second cousin/ grandmother.

  100. Mel Says:

    Nick – i have never made stuff up oion my cv, but i have made stuff up for others to make them look more impressive. Worked every time, they always got an itnerview. After that though, it was down to them.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Trisha’s not been axed, has it? Where’ve you heard this? Or is this another of your ‘hilarious’ little deceptions? Like when you pretended to be a woman and everyone found the experience sickening?

  102. Clarry Says:

    Nick – He did genuinely play professional football for club and country. It just wasn’t entirely appropriate to bring it up in a cv for a job that was a very prestigious heritage project. For example when you applied for your job as a *ahem* brain surgeon I doubt you’d have put grade 7 guitar certificate under the qualifications bit.

  103. Clarry Says:

    I aren’t in recruitment Mel.

  104. breeks Says:

    clarry – i don’t know. on my cv still lives the fact that in 1999 i was selected as an australian youth ambassador for international development. i didn’t go to cambodia as arranged, tho. i went to work instead.

    still, its on there.

  105. myopiniononstuff Says:

    And I didn’t find the experience sickening, I found it empowering.

  106. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Every CV I’ve written has been a pack of lies. According to the last CV I wrote to get a job in an arcade eleven years ago, I’m a Cambridge graduate who spent three years fighting insurgents in Angola, and my hobbies and interests include shoplifting and benefit fraud.

    Mel – When I’ve watched it, it’s been twenty five minutes of beeping noises over images of a grotesquely overweight lesbian stripping down to her birthday suit and then having a fight with a cancerous-looking black man.

  107. Clarry Says:

    Breeks – Yeah but it’s fine to put something like that on your cv as you a) might be able to say that some of the skills were transferable or b) you had some ACTUAL qualifications that were relevant, and the fact that you were selected an australian youth ambassador for international development was the icing on the cake. Ja?

    However, this man was being put forward as a project supervisor of a multi million pound contract – all the others had MScs in Construction management and Pg Dips in Project management. In his section he wrote professional footballer, nothing else.

  108. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Right. I’m off to dig a hole in the ground.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    I’d employ him for that, Clarry. Sounds like the sort of fella you could go for a pint with after work. Mind you, him being Scotch would mean you’d be the one shelling out the money for the booze.

  110. indy Says:

    so. who’ll qualify as the gary glitter of the business world?

  111. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – Fuck knows? Are there any famous business glam rocker / paedophiles out there?

  112. indy Says:

    …or the keith richards?

  113. Clarry Says:

    Dis are him:

  114. Napoleon Says:

    The Keith Richards of the business world? Gerald Ratner? He looks like an alcoholic to me. Either that or he’s got The AIDS.

  115. breeks Says:

    clarry – fair dos. i always hope people’ll be impressed by it but not ask me what it means as i have no fucking idea.

    oh dear –

  116. Napoleon Says:

    What the hell’s ‘Holistic Governance’? Hippy rule?

  117. Excelsior! Says:

    But half of those are just normal words. That’ll make conversation in the workplace problematic.

  118. Clarry Says:

    ‘Predictors of Beaconicity’ – perhaps they could be the Gary Glitters of the business world?

  119. Napoleon Says:

    Is ‘impactful’ on that list?

  120. piqued Says:

    There is a man in this office not wearing socks. I’m disgusted

  121. Nick T Says:

    I’m wearing short trainer socks!
    Racey eh?
    Steady ladies

  122. Clarry Says:

    P – Agreed. That is an awful look or the sign of a single man who has no clean socks left.

  123. Napoleon Says:

    Perhaps he’s allergic to socks? You’d be surprised at what folk are allergic to nowadays, the pack of attention-seeking liars.

  124. breeks Says:

    maybe he’s feeling frisky on account of the sunshine outside.

  125. Clarry Says:

    P.S Back to Apprentice. I think that they could have thought of a reason to get the mighty Raef into this series, as an advisor or something.

  126. indy Says:

    piqued: what kind of office lets a sockless man in? scandal…

  127. Nick T Says:


    He, RALF, was on that Come Dine With ME “celebrity” special.

    He was a twat and got one of his posh mates to do all the hard work.

  128. breeks Says:

    nick – i actually thought he came off ok on CDWE. sorry.

  129. Napoleon Says:

    None of this new lot look a patch on Raef, Clarry. There is, however, the slim chance that Rocky – with his chain of sandwich shops and £100,000 a year salary – could be this year’s Tre Azam if his CV turns out to be a pack of lies. Which it undoubtedly will be when it’s discovered he works at Subway for £1000 a month.

  130. Nick T Says:

    Really breaks?

    May be of interest.
    More people watched Antiques Roadshow than The One Show
    More people watched Piers Morgan with Jordan than Fulham vs Man United
    More people watched Total Wipeout than The Bill…..

  131. Clarry Says:

    I loved Raef. He was/is ace. His interests include cognac for Christ’s sake…

    Sadly I missed the sleb CDWM. Worrit good? I love that prog.

  132. piqued Says:

    Indy, it’s an outrage. He’s wearing them with those tan Moccasins like he’s about to get on a Vespa to go and meet some girls in the bar by the beach, the bar is probably called Bar Visioni, or Bar Blu or something and all the girls are laughing and drinking Spritzers one imagines.

    Gracious, he’s not shaved either. I feel like hitting him in his nuts.

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Oliver Reed’s interests included cognac, and it’s a matter of public record that he was an arsehole, Clarry.

    In reality, Raef was a fuckwit who couldn’t tell his arse from his elbow even if you’d taped a sign saying ‘ELBOW’ to his elbow, and another to his arse saying ‘ARSE’. He also looked like the love-child of Freddie Mercury and Hugh Grant.

    That said, he wasn’t as bad as that Paul creature. Was it Paul? The slimey one wot kept avoiding getting fired and who pretended to be Jewish even though he didn’t know what kosher meant? Was it Paul? WAS IT?

  134. piqued Says:

    Calm down NC… by the way, you cleaned your teeth this morning?

  135. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Piss off, there’s good lad.

  136. piqued Says:

    Well there’s not need for that death breath

  137. piqued Says:

    (‘no need’ of course, I’m being distracted by male ankles)

  138. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Up yours!

    Now then. I agree with Cher. There’s not enough love and understanding. NOT ENOUGH.

  139. Clarry Says:

    NC – I know who you mean but can’t remember his name. He had a Greek sounding surname. I’m desperately trying to remember the names of my favourite CDWM people – the woman who fell asleep at the table and the man who forgot all the ingredients and complained of having a headache because people kept talking over each other. That was the best episode ever.

  140. piqued Says:

    It was Michael Sophocles btw. What a fucking tool

  141. Clarry Says:

    Michael Sophocles!

  142. breeks Says:

    piqued – i’d avoid his nuts if i were you. bound to be shaved, unlike his face.

  143. piqued Says:


  144. Clarry Says:

    Damn you P, I just found that and then founf you’d found it first. Can anyone find out my mystery telly people please?

  145. Napoleon Says:

    Michael, that was it. He made for entertaining, if tear-your-hair-out, television.

  146. breeks Says:

    i am currently eating pineapple.


  147. ugeine Says:

    Tommy bloody Carcetti?

    So he was jsut interested in lining his own pockets after all…

  148. Excelsior! Says:

    Nice to see the Pope damning condoms in Africa. That would have made an excellent Comic Relief appeal.
    I’ll say this for the Catholic church, they’re consistant (consistantly insane).

  149. ugeine Says:

    I support the pope’s stance. With his help, we can realisitcally help increase the spread AIDs around all of Africa by 2012.

    That is what we’re trying to do, isn’t it? Increase AIDs?

  150. breeks Says:

    yes. NGO aids, mostly…

  151. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – That’ll sort out the African AIDS pandemic.

  152. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – It’s ‘AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Actually, it’s ‘The AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Or ‘The AIDs’.

  153. ugeine Says:

    Cheers, Napoleon.

  154. Nick T Says:

    They will all go to heaven though….

  155. Mel Says:

    who will? priests? I very much doubt that one Nick

  156. Nick T Says:

    A lot of publicity about this actress who banged her head in Canada. Reckon it’s more serious than they (the meeja) are making out.
    Who the hell is she?

  157. Excelsior! Says:

    Unlike the homesexuals, unbaptised babies and suicides

  158. ugeine Says:

    She’s married to Liam Neeson, best known as ‘your dad’ in Fallout 3 or Schindler in Schindler’s List.

  159. breeks Says:

    are homesexuals gays who only go gay when in their own homes?

  160. Mel Says:

    Nick – She is clinically brain dead apparently, according to the popbitch.

    Natasha Richardson, daughter of Vanessa Redgrave. Wife of Liam Neeson.

  161. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – She’s Joely Richardson’s sister, Vanessa Redgrave’s daughter. Joely got her tits out in Lady Chatterley’s Lover, and failed to get them out in 101 Dalmations. Natasha got ’em out in something, but I can’t remember what. Rupert Everett was in it.

    Ugeine – You’re welcome.

  162. Mel Says:

    Excelsior, they have abolished hell for unbaptised babies, and limbo and that.

  163. breeks Says:

    they did? what if you’re an AIDs baby?

  164. Excelsior! Says:

    Oh so God was wrong before was He? Fickle bastard.

    Breeks – leave my spelling be, i partied heartedly last night

  165. Mel Says:

    Well excelsior, i thik Ratzinger changed god’s mind foor him.

    The Catholic Church – the bastion of sense and consistency since the middle ages.

  166. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – It’s ‘AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Actually, it’s ‘The AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Or ‘The AIDs’

  167. breeks Says:

    it’s whatever the fuck i want it to be, nappers. step away from the virus.

  168. Excelsior! Says:

    “who says AIDS guys can’t do tough stuff?”

  169. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – No it’s not because you’re a woman. Y’see, it’s ‘AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Actually, it’s ‘The AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Or ‘The AIDs’

  170. ugeine Says:

    Sure they can, Excel.

    I’m not just sure, I’m HIV Positive.

  171. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t think babies with AIDS go to hell. What a lovely topic of conversation, you awful people.

    I’d never heard of this actress before either. How could God be so cruel? We’ve got enough on our plate pre-grieving poor old Jade, for fuck’s sake.

  172. breeks Says:

    i am sure the braindead actress was in summat with lindsay lohan. remake of the parent trap. or whatever. yeah. dennis quaid. that one.

    i’ve seen it. she wasn’t brain dead in it but i kind of was after the movie ended. do not watch it.

  173. Mel Says:

    And Darth Vader/the Green X Code Man has had treatment for prostate cancer, and there was poor old Wendy Richard.

    Ratziinger has abolished Limbo, so no babies go to hell. Actually, neither does anyone else. hell being, as it is, a fictitious place made up to keep the believers in line.

  174. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – It’s the Catholics wot send The AIDS babies to Hell, isn’t it?

    Breeks – That had Jamie Lee Curtis in it.

  175. breeks Says:

    naps – no it didn’t. are you freaky fridaying?

  176. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t think about AIDS (or ‘the AIDS’) sufferers until the end of the year at the earliest – especially not non-famous ones. I’m too busy pre-grieving Jade and Liam Neeson’s wife – the one who got her tits out in a film starring Rupert Everett according to Napoleon.

  177. Nick T Says:

    I noticed that green X man in Clockwork Orange and was treated to a story about him by someone here at work who knows him.
    That prostate stuff alarms me as I’m close to the age where one has to experience the greased glove…..

  178. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Jade’s tragic circumstance has done wonders for my 2009 celebrity death pool.

  179. breeks Says:

    jade apparently was able to ‘raise her head’ yesterday to gaze over the sunkissed essex fields. which is nice.

  180. Swineshead Says:

    Dave Prowse – see also: Darth Vader.

  181. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – You’re quite right, my mistake. Still, you’re wrong about everything else …

    Now then, I’m off to the Post Office.

    Swineshead – I’m sure she got her tits out in a film with Rupert Everett. They weren’t as good as her sister’s tits in Lady Chatterley. The downside of seeing her sister’s tits was the amount of times you also had to see Sean Bean’s arse in the same shot.

    I’m off to the fucking post office.

  182. Mel Says:

    Is it pension day already Nappers?

    Nick T, you cannot simply tell us you have a story about someone and then leave it there. Spill

  183. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Bloody hell, the official Jade Goody website’s edited by tasteful people.

  184. breeks Says:

    naps – quite right.

  185. Swineshead Says:

    I was about to go out and get the paper but I’ve just realised my jealous brother has stolen my overcoat.

    *calls ITV*

  186. breeks Says:

    moos – less faff that i expected.

  187. Mel Says:

    Bt it’s alright Swines, the dead AIDS babies in hell are all telling me that he has simply borrowed it while on a visit to the dog kennels where he and Nappers used to work. He will bring it back shortly.

    *calls ITV for a slot*

  188. Swineshead Says:

    Oh right – thanks Mel.

    *wonders what Nappers is up to at the post office*

  189. breeks Says:

    mel – are the dead babies also telling you why they had to die when other, older and more awful people continue to live? my jesus-loving father could never answer that one.

  190. Nick T Says:

    Wasn’t that great a story Mel, otherwise I would have.

    Lie detector results on Kyle…..

  191. piqued Says:

    Nick, re Prostate examination.

    Be my honour, Sir

  192. Mel Says:

    Breeks – no point asking me, they wont have me back (not that i would try anyway) the last time i set foot in a catholic church i got frog marched out by my mum, because the priest said somehting that angered me, and she didn’t want me to bring it up with him.

    Swines – buying stamps?

  193. Nick T Says:


  194. breeks Says:

    last time i went to church with my parents, and after sitting through an earnest ‘band’ comprised of middle aged men with badly tuned electric guitars singing about ‘heart’s saviour’ and ‘god’s child forever’ i then was privileged to hear a sermon about being good to my neighbour and also was encouraged to release all control to jesus as he, and only he, knows the way. the way to everything.

    he didn’t know the way home out of church, that’s for sure.

  195. Napoleon Says:

    I’m back from the Post Office now. To answer your queries, I was posting a birthday present, card and Mother’s Day card to my mother. All in the same envelope. Is that bad form?

  196. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Did you get my e-mail from earlier, by the way? I used the **************.org one.

    (Swineshead has several e-mail accounts because he’s shifty, readers)

  197. Swineshead Says:

    When’s Mothers Day?

    Oh cripes…

    *runs to Post Office*

  198. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, hello … my fucking gmail’s pissing about again. Anyone else experience this problem?

    Or did you all run away the minute my back was turned? Eh?

    *hunts internet for secret new Napoleon-free WWM*

  199. piqued Says:

    NC, in this time of recession I think your mother will applaud your shrewd thriftiness.

    If you were my boy I would.

  200. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Sunday. THIS Sunday.

  201. Swineshead Says:


    Nappers – I’ll just check it. I’ve got a new email address, I’ll send you the details.

    I now have five email addresses. It makes me feel important.

  202. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – You think so? Mind you, she already knows I’m a skinflint, so including everything in one envelope won’t surprise her much, I don’t imagine.

  203. Napoleon Says:


    My thoughts exactly. Nowadays you can’t rely on Friday’s post to deliver a Mother’s Day card for Saturday, so you’ve only got today and tomorrow to make sure you avoid wrath.

  204. piqued Says:

    I’m sure NC, might be worth guiding the lily by directly telling her what you’ve done for the economy and indeed, the environment, whilst warmly wishing her the very best for both the days.

  205. Mel Says:

    Or you could do like i am and go and see her. Makes mothers very happy to see their offspring.

  206. Nick T Says:

    My gmail is fine.

  207. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I think I’ll ring her.

    Mel – What? Go see her? When it’s not Christmas? Are you mad?

    Nick – Mine is now.

    Nobody in particular – Hello there!

  208. Mel Says:

    Not mad at all Nappers.

    well, maybe a little bit.

  209. Clarry Says:

    WHen I tried to follow the link to Jade’s site I got a ‘Our thoughts go out…. etc’ message and a donate to Cancer Research link. Nothing else. Bah!

  210. piqued Says:

    That’s a good idea NC

    I’m going to over to see and smack the harridan in the teeth with my crash helmet. It’s not like she’s suffered enough lately either.

  211. Nick T Says:

    Is ITV2s FM any good?
    As it hasn’t been mentioned here I assume so.

  212. Napoleon Says:

    I like those placards you see that say ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here … but it helps!‘ They’re brilliant!

  213. piqued Says:

    I meant my mum of course

  214. Nick T Says:

    Northern belter on Kyle

  215. Swineshead Says:

    Nick – ITV2’s FM is an absolute disaster.

  216. breeks Says:

    s’not mother’s day in oz, so i don’t care.

  217. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – I’d look if I wasn’t listening to Genesis.

    By the way, has anyone ever pointed out to you that … ho ho … if you … he he … stick a ‘k’ at the … hmph … at the front of your … ha! … of your … umph … name, and ‘ers’ at the … gaaggghh … at the … ha ha ha ha ha … end of your … wmmmm … of your name, you get … he he he … you get … grrrraaaaaaa … you get ‘knickers’?

  218. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s not Spring in OZ either Breeks.

  219. myopiniononstuff Says:

    The only good thing about FM is Nina Sosanya but, let’s face it, is a pretty damned good thing as good things go.

  220. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Rangers, Motherwell and Scotland eh Clarry?
    Obviously not good enough for the EPL.
    Give him the job though, the works team might need a player. Aleways good for PR as well.

  221. breeks Says:

    no. it’s autumn but warmer than here.

  222. Napoleon Says:

    There’s no such thing as Autumn in Australia. It goes like this:

    Beach party season, Bush fire season, Barbecue season, Bumbilicus season.

  223. Mel Says:

    what is bumbilicus?

  224. breeks Says:

    naps – almost, but not really.

    it goes like this:-

    bushfire season, mullet season, tall poppy season, bbq season.

  225. Mel Says:

    I thought you Aussies hate tall poppies?

  226. Napoleon Says:

    So where do the Bumbilicuses fit in? I reckon you’re lying to try to keep the secret of The Great Australian Bumbilicus from leaking out.

  227. breeks Says:


  228. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Leaking out wasn’t the politest turn of phrase there, was it?

  229. Nick T Says:

    Cannon & Ball are advertising double glazing!

  230. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Not really no. Not when talking about the Bumbilicus.

  231. Napoleon Says:

    They’ve been advertising double glazing for years, Nick. FUCKING YEARS.

  232. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’ve done some research on the bumbilicous.

    Makes my blog look readable, may I be bold enough to say.

    ‘me n u sophie trieu we da opposite sistas we das woo ho go da go das ily sophie u r da best hei ppls im bumby n im bored i have an exam im going to die i hate piano exams soooo much pressure help me sophie pweeese i need u women im so dead gonna fail gonna fail omg omg omg das newaiizz hmm today ive finished muh lote hw soo im all gud n e waiiz talk ta ya laterzz bye mwa xoxoxox!!!! ily sophie’

  233. breeks Says:

    moos – i found that too. i figured (i) it’s not spelled the same as nappers’ and (ii) it was so indecipherable that i wouldn’t foist it on WWM’s finely tuned audience.

  234. myopiniononstuff Says:

    breeks – do I strike you as someone that can (i) recognise subtle differences in the spelling of words like bumblicus or (ii) preserve the intellectual integrity of this blog’s comments section?

  235. breeks Says:

    moos – toosh.

  236. Napoleon Says:

    I believe I have pinpointed the reason why Bumbilicous didn’t pass her piano examination. Judging on the strength of her English, it’s because she’s a mental retard.

  237. Mel Says:

    Blimey Nappers, you managed to get a lot further in your comprehension of that than i did.

    *is impressed*

  238. Swineshead Says:

    This is on the BBC Apprentice homepage.
    Mind-boggling, considering.

  239. The Apprentice 2009 - Episode 1 « Watch With Mothers Says:

    […] Put names to faces over here. […]

  240. Just a Thought: Who Will Win The Apprentice? « Watch With Mothers Says:

    […] if you’re still thrown by the sheer number of them, here they are […]

  241. Mini Rodini Says:

    Caught this blog as it is on the BBC’s actual Apprentice site h/p . First time I have ever sat down and watched the Apprentice right through, quite fun actually, but its early days and I am going to try and stick it till the end.

  242. The Apprentice 2009 - Episode 3 « Watch With Mothers Says:

    […] Preview Episode 1 Episode 2 Last series. […]

  243. The Apprentice 2009 - Episode 4 « Watch With Mothers Says:

    […] Preview Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Last series. […]

  244. link rentals Says:

    link rentals…

    […]The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview! « Watch With Mothers[…]…

  245. Cloud development toolkit Says:

    Cloud development toolkit…

    […]The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview! « Watch With Mothers[…]…

  246. price gun labels Says:

    price gun labels…

    […]The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview! « Watch With Mothers[…]…

  247. Nederlandse banken Says:

    Nederlandse banken…

    […]The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview! « Watch With Mothers[…]…

  248. spring break 2013 Says:

    spring break 2013…

    […]The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview! « Watch With Mothers[…]…

  249. Best Online Resources|Top Online Tesources|Best Resource Says:

    Best Online Resources|Top Online Tesources|Best Resource…

    […]The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview! « Watch With Mothers[…]…

  250. play deal or no deal Says:

    play deal or no deal…

    […]The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview! « Watch With Mothers[…]…

  251. If you are looking for cat related informaton check our cat related site Says:

    If you are looking for cat related informaton check our cat related site…

    […]The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview! « Watch With Mothers[…]…

  252. Football Manager Game Says:

    Football Manager Game…

    […]The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview! « Watch With Mothers[…]…

  253. Best plus size clothing top brands low prices Says:

    Best plus size clothing top brands low prices…

    […]The Apprentice 2009 – The Preview! « Watch With Mothers[…]…

  254. Says:

    Simply desire to say your article is as astounding.
    The clearness to your publish is simply spectacular and that i can assume
    you’re an expert in this subject. Fine with your permission let me to clutch your feed to stay up to date with approaching post. Thanks a million and please carry on the rewarding work.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: