NewsGush: Dancing On Ice Expires


So, Dancing On Ice drew to a close over the weekend.

I, for one, am proud to announce that I wasn’t one of the 10.8 million people who tuned in – and what’s more, I successfully managed to avoid seeing the entire series. This has been possible thanks to complex planning and a meticulous approach to avoiding ITV unless absolutely necessary.

Apparently Ray Quinn – the small mutant who didn’t win X Factor one year – won it. So well done to small, mutant boy-child, Ray Quinn.

10.8 million is an enormous amount of people. Were you one of them?

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56 Responses to “NewsGush: Dancing On Ice Expires”

  1. indy Says:


  2. Napoleon Says:

    I’m afraid I didn’t see this either. I’ve been too busy watching my Last Of The Summer Wine video collection. Ha! There’s this one, right, where Seymour’s invented this downhill racing machine …

  3. myopiniononstuff Says:

    It was a brilliant final to a brilliant series. All the celebrities had fun, tried their hardest and made new friends along the way. And Quinn, for me, was so majestic on the ice it moved me to tears – the poetry of his movement and intensity towards partner Maria Filippov was a joy. Brilliant TV.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    I bet you was wanking when you watched this, Dave. Curtains closed, no doubt. Shame on you.

  5. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Just because everyone on this blog has become too cynical to enjoy the romance of two souls entwining so elegantly on the ice does not mean I masturbated (curtains closed) to anything.

  6. ugeine Says:

    10.8 million? Christ.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    It’s a lot, eh Ugeine?

    It’s enough to drive a man to cheese & pickle.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    It wouldn’t drive me to cheese and pickle as I don’t like pickle. It’d probably drive me towards cheese – lovely orange cheddar. Mmmmm …

  9. Swineshead Says:


  10. Mel Says:

    Hello all,

    I had the dubious honour of being in the same room as my parents while they watched this drivel. Luckily i couldn’t see the screen, but good good, if there ius ever a prize for the most frequent and incorrect use of the word ‘journey’ this programme would surely win it. Everyone that was on there, from the contestants to the judges used the word. My piss had evaporated completely, and my bladder was giving off a horrible burning smell by the 20th time. I had to stick my fingers in my ears and go ‘lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala’ until my mum clipped me round the ear for ‘ruining her programme’

    I am a month younger than Napoleon FFS.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Journeys evaporate piss?

    That’s weird. Car journeys (or any journey where there’s no toilet) tend to up my piss requirements.

  12. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Mel – How can you say the celebrities didn’t go on a journey? When they started most of them couldn’t even skate let alone dance on ice, yet after weeks of intensive training and choreography they could all perform relatively complex routines live on national television. Of course that’s a journey.

  13. Mel Says:

    In the ‘it boiled my piss’ sense of the phrase that i like to overuse on here, SH. This time it boiled my piss dry.

  14. Mel Says:

    Dave, can you hear that whistling? It is my bladder. I would drop it now, if i were you.

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – You’re thirty four too, eh? It’s one o’ them neither here nor there ages is thirty four. I feel I’m just hanging around waiting for forty to happen now.

  16. Mel Says:

    Meh, nappers, I am really not bothered. But my point is that at 34, i am far too old to still be getting a clip round the ear from my mother.

  17. Napoleon Says:

    You’re never too old for a clip round the ear, Mel. If more of these modern parents realised this, our streets wouldn’t be running with blood from all them hoodies having knife fights and happy slapping old ladies with their mobile phones and shit.

  18. Mel Says:

    In Holland, the streets literally run with shit – because no-one cleans up after their dogs EVER. In some ways, a progressive country, in so many other ways quite backward, I think.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Prague’s a bit like that. I lost count of the times I trod on some dog’s dirt when I was there. Mind you, I was blind drunk every day, so some of my encounters were no doubt my own fault.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    As far as I know, Holland’s all drugs and prostitutes, isn’t it? No wonder you people are up to your knees in dog dirts. Everyone’s too busy being depraved to clean up after their dogs. It’s like the new Sodom and Gamorrah, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

  21. Mel Says:

    I have taken to guerrilla gardening, so that i can fill every base of a tree (which is left sandy to encourage them to shit there) with all dirt, in which i am planting brambles in order to discourage this filthy habit. Mind you, this is preferable to the complete and utter moron that lives near my mother. Whoever this person is does clean up after their dog, by carefully (well i assume they are careful) scooping up the dirt into a plastic bag, and then hurling it into the nearest hedge or tree. I mean really – what is the point of that?

  22. Mel Says:

    ~Right, much as ii have enjoyed turning the comments section into a rabid version of a council messageboard, i have to love you and leave you now. Let’s not mention the dog dirt ever again, as i fear i can hear Angry of Tunbridge wells firing off a missive as we speak.

    Sorry SH, ‘normal’ sarcasm will resume presently.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    That seems a bit daft. Why go to the bother of cleaning up the dirt in the first place? It’s not the nicest task a dog-owner has to perform (the stuff’s so warm), so why do it at all if you’re just going to throw it into a hedge anyway? I reckon this person’s been smoking too many drugs and his mind has been frazzled like it is that lad’s in that government advert.

  24. Mel Says:

    NC – my parents live in the West Country (of England). Not so many drugs there (unfortunately)

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Ah, so it’s in-breeding, is it? No wonder the bugger’s picking up shit only to throw it in a hedge. Anything goes when you’re the product of a barnyard fumble betwixt father and daughter, after all.

  26. Nick T Says:

    Just eaten an entire bag of pecans and I feel sick. Could these two things be related?

  27. Nick T Says:

    “MY MUM IS 62 AND IS SLEEPING AROUND” Kyle plumbs new depths

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Which ones are pecans again? Are they the green ones?

  29. Nick T Says:

    No that is the carb rich pistacio, much favour in Indian ice cream. The pecan is similar to a walnut

  30. Napoleon Says:

    I had the incredibly healthy combination of instant noodles, barley sugar travel sweets and Galaxy Minstrels for my lunch.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve got you. I don’t kow if I like pecans or not. I like the green things, though the weight of the shells means you’re being robbed everytime you buy a bag.

  32. Nick T Says:

    They, pistacios, are quite a delight raw.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    They rob you on the weight, mind. I don’t see why they have to come with their shells still attached. You don’t get other nuts coming in their shells. Except for the Christmas ones, obviously. And the shelled ones you get at other times of year.

    I mean normal bags of fucking nuts.

  34. Nick T Says:

    Care has to be taken when transporting the ‘tachio as they can explode.
    Christ knows what they do to your insides.

  35. Napoleon Says:

    What do you mean they can explode? What the fuck are they made out of? Dynamite?

    I’m suspicous of this new piece of information. As suspicious as I am that 9/11 was carried out by a fella in a cave in Afghanistan …

  36. Swineshead Says:

    I lost my internet connection for a good twenty minutes back there. I resorted to television whilst I waited for it to right itself, and was confronted with Chris of Burgh singing Dolly Parton’s ‘Without You’ on the Alan Titschmarsh show.

    it gave me the right horn.

  37. Nick T Says:

    Taken from a transcript of QI (why do people post this stuff?)

    Stephen: Name another dangerous nut.
    Bill: Uh… uh… the walnut?
    Stephen: Yes.
    Bill: Is it?!
    Stephen: Extraordinary! Like pistachios, they can also spontaneously combust.
    Bill: They explode on contact with fondant. So, walnut whips… they’re time-bombs!

  38. Nick T Says:

    There’s a Nolan on Loose Women Naps. Steady yourself….

  39. Napoleon Says:

    I like ‘A Spaceman Came Travelling’. And ‘Lady In Red’. And ‘Don’t Pay The Ferryman’. Good old Chris De Burgh … you could hear the words back then.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    A Nolan?

    *unzips flies*
    *surrounded by moths*

  41. breeks Says:

    oh. so this is where you all are. i just wasted a comment back at the moylesy post.


    i’ve never seen any DOI, ever. i think i can quite honestly say i’m a way bigger betterer person type thing as a result.

  42. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Ray Wossisname scares me, really really scares me. He’s evil.

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Does he scare you as much as a shadowy underground government of unelected bankers wot’s really pulling the strings of power, ELM? Eh?

    They need to get Segal and Van Damme in.

  44. myopiniononstuff Says:

    It’s just dancing…on ice, that’s all. Why the negativity? Sure, it’s not ‘intelligent’ BBC Four fodder like the endlessly educational ‘Fish! A Japanese Obsession’ but so what?

  45. Nick T Says:

    I think Dot may be the best thing on Twitter…

  46. Napoleon Says:

    BBC Four’s for egg-heads, brainiacs, boffins and clever buggers like Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie, Tony Slattery, Emma Thompson, Kenneth Branagh, Imelda Staunton, Alphonsia Emmanuel, Rita Rudner and Phylidia Law.

    You won’t catch the likes of Max Von Sydow, Sylvester Stallone, Pele, Ossie Ardiles, Bobby Moore, Michael Caine and most of Ipswich Town’s legendary 1981 UEFA Cup winners side watching BBC Four, oh no.

  47. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Escape to Victory? What?

  48. ugeine Says:

    Ah, Christ, what was that boxing reality tv show called that starred Sylvester Stallone? That was hilarious.

  49. Nick T Says:

    The Contender

    Good night

  50. myopiniononstuff Says:

    The Contender. It was good. The new Hulk Hogan Wrestling one is what you call hilarious.

  51. ugeine Says:

    That sounds brilliant.

    *skips off to youtube*

  52. Kakjunkie Says:

    Ray Quinn and Stacey Slater (Eastenders) are twins – separated at birth – one grew up in Liverpool and the other Albert Square.

  53. breeks Says:

    nick t – dot says hi.

  54. charliemingles Says:

    and to think they dismissed my ‘wanking on ice’ idea out of hand. the cunts. it definitely had legs that one, Id certainly tune in. its not as easy as it looks.

  55. Jo Says:

    Definitely not.

    I wish they’d make “Dancing on fire”.

  56. charliemingles Says:

    Im shamed that you follow tales from an empty room jo – as I havent written anything on it for about 4 months.

    still, its the thought that counts.

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