WWM Weekly Bastard: Trevor Jordache


Shifty off Bread

Over the years, television’s thrown up its fair share of shitbags, bad eggs and turds. We like to call these people ‘Bastards’, and in the first of a new weekly series, we here at WWM turn our sights on that bastard Trevor Jordache – Brookside’s very own Satan made flesh, who slithered onto the close in 1993 …

Tracking down the family he’d abused to a safe house, Trevor used his lovable Irish charm (or: bare-faced lies) to worm his way back into his wife Mandy’s affections, and then quickly set about destroying not only her life, but also the lives of his two daughters, Rachael and Beth.

He took to the bottle, sexually abused his youngest daughter in her bed as his wife slept next door, drove his eldest daughter (who he’d also abused as a little girl) away from home and beat and humiliated his wife Mandy so badly over the course of a year that there was only ever one way this disgusting Irish ratbag’s storyline was going to end: murder.

And what an entertaining murder it was too! First Mandy and Beth tried feeding Trevor weed killer, but that only gave him a stomach ache. Then the two desperate women tried grinding up aspirins in his milk. Catching them in the act, Trevor roared, ‘Yis bloody pair o’ bitches!’, and set about beating his daughter to death. And so, with Trevor otherwise engaged, poor, put-upon Mandy did the decent thing and stabbed the bastard in the back.

Then it was only a matter of burying him under the patio, getting found out, going on the run, ending up in prison, Beth dying of a heart defect whilst banged up, Mandy being acquitted, Trevor’s mother trying to kill her, blah blah blah …

Trevor was the most appalling example of a wife-beating drunken child abuser soap has ever seen. Even Little Mo’s tormentor Trevor (what is it about that name?) couldn’t come close … primarily because he didn’t diddle kids. It is for that reason that we at WWM are proud to announce Trevor Jordache’s inaugeration into the WWM TV Bastards Hall of Fame. Trevor – we salute you, you complete and utter bastard!

Have YOU got a favourite TV bastard? Tell us who it is, and they could appear as a half-arsed filler article in a future edition of your Super Sunshine Watch With Mothers …

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136 Responses to “WWM Weekly Bastard: Trevor Jordache”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    He was a complete bastard, was Jordache. Trevor off of Eastenders was also a complete bastard.

    Archie off of Eastenders is nowhere near them in the bastard stakes.

    Estimated date of conclusion to Danielle / Archie / Ronnie storyline – Aug 12th 2389.

    (Apprentice tonight….)

  2. Do I Not Like That! Says:


    just to warm us up.

  3. indy Says:

    DINLT: your. link.

    it isn’t working. shame on you!

  4. indy Says:

    your name link that is. is it on purpose to promote england world cup? i don’t get it.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Thanks Mikey – but Bastards – any thoughts? Biggest soap Bastard?

  6. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Thanks Indy. Should be OK. I am thinking of an interesting article to try and work out the England midfield. I am assuming Lennon for Walcott is like for like, therefore we have Lampard and Gerrard available as well as Barry and Carrick. As there is no Joe Cole, Downing would be the left sided player. But what will Capello do? Lennon, Gerrard or Lampard, Barry or Carrick, Downing? Or perhaps deploy Gerrard to the left again and have Lampard and Barry or Carrick?

  7. Mel Says:

    Well, I don’t really watch enough soaps to know who the bastards are, but can i nominate Vanessa Paradis, who really does have to be the luckiest bastard alive. She only started out singing a rubbish song about taxis and traffic lights etc. then ended up living with the most beautiful man on earth, the lucky lucky bastard.

  8. Mel Says:

    Maybe DINLT could qualify for his daily football killing the comments bit?

    Only joking!

  9. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Your British soap villain can be a very nasty piece of work.
    However Paul Robinson in Neighbours can be very devious. However I do not think anybody would want to get on the wrong side of JR Ewing. He’d bankrupt you, sleep with your wife, and create no end of mayhem.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    DINLT – stop footballing. You’re already on a list. Don’t make me ban you for thread killing football banter.

    Oh – you’ve stopped.

  11. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Ooops, I will cease with the football. Could I suggest a yellow/red card system so that one knows where one stands? Of course a straight red cannot be ruled out, I will however consider that I have been given a talking to and a future ify comment will result in a yellow.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Exactly, we’ve had a heated discussion on the byline which ended with a laddish pat on the shoulder and forced smiles, but you’ve been warned.

    You’ll probably have forgotten by halftime and get yourself sent off for elbowing some poor sod in the FACE.

  13. Mel Says:

    Lowri Turner is a TV bastard. She tries to be controversial, but is really just a contrary bastard.

  14. Nick T Says:

    Mr Bronson from Grange Hill

  15. Swineshead Says:

    She is a Bastard – you’re right.

  16. Mel Says:

    Ooh, that’s a good one Nick. Wasn’t he responsible for the death of Danny Kendal at the bottom of that swimming pool?

  17. Swineshead Says:

    I found Mr Bronson quite sympathetic – the wig and the Danny Kendall thing.

  18. Nick T Says:

    Yes he was Mel.
    Where is Clarry by the way?

  19. Mel Says:

    According to BBC viewers that complained, Sir David Attenborough is a bastard, for showing too much death on his Natural History shows

  20. Nick T Says:

    People who complain about David Attenborough are bastards

  21. Mel Says:

    I wholeheartedly agree with you Nick.

    People that complain about that children’s TV presenter with one arm are much bigger, less tolerant bastards

  22. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Too much death’…

    An animal’s life, in relation to the space of time before it’s birth and after it’s death, lasts a very short period of time. These people should be pleased that his natural history shows aren’t just sped up shots of things being killed then decomposing. The miserable Bastards.

  23. Mel Says:

    it is a bit ridiculous, isn’t it?

    In my day it was all about nature red in tooth and claw. This is another example of the sanitisation of life and death. I watched these things as a kid, and i have not been damaged by it.

    Sanitising bastards.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    I’d like to nominate Virgin Media as my TV bastards. Two hours I’ve been without this internet malarky – two! I reckon they qualify because they supply TV, and that’s almost the same as being on the TV. Those bastards.

  25. breeks Says:

    paul robinson has gotta be worth at least a final-3 nomination. how karma hasn’t come back at booted him for a final, terminal time i’m not quite sure.

    failing that, the bad junk-food loving guy off lazytown called robbie rotten (clue in the name) is pretty awful. thank god for sportacus, keeping those kids healthy with apples and manic, good-time dances. and lycra. kids love a man in tight lycra.

  26. Nick T Says:

    Thankfuly we are no longer with Virgin media. They are bastards.
    The world of Orange is much brighter

  27. Swineshead Says:

    I am blacklisted by Orange from back in the day when their phone rates were extortionate (and I had no intention of paying any of the bills that came through my letter-slot). Virgin Media are no better.

    Let’s just put all service providers of all kinds in the Bastard Box.

    And that includes YOU, British Gas – you complete and utter Bastards.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Paul Robinson appears to be impervious to misfortune, Breeks. One minute he’s lost his missus, his businesses, the love of his only daughter and his house, the next he’s running Ramsay Street’s newspaper and everyone’s fine with him again. I like to call this ‘The Peggy Mitchell Says “You’re Barred!” Effect’, in which no matter how badly a character in a soap behaves, he will always be allowed back into the fold quicker than you might expect. A prime example of this effect is Janine from EastEnders: humiliated Peggy and was barred from the Vic one night, drinking in there two days later.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    I’d like to add EDF Energy to that list. Not only are they bastards, but they’re also French bastards to boot! BASTARDS!

  30. Swineshead Says:

    I call Paul Robinson ‘Paul One Peg’. The one-legged Bastard.

    Last night’s Eastenders – I reckon Bradley’s done alright there.

  31. Mel Says:

    French Nuclear Bastards, Nappers. The Bastards

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – It’ll all go tits-up for Bradders, I reckon.

    Mel – I have no problem with the nuclear bit, it’s the French bit that gets my goat.

    *pays the French more gas money*

  33. breeks Says:

    the french hate coral, they blast it to death.

  34. Mel Says:

    But it is related to broken Britain, NC, because EDF are only so prolific over here because Gordion Brown’s brother works for them, the French, breaking Britain, cheap energy bastards.

  35. Excelsior! Says:

    I would like to declare my love for Janine off Stenders. Machiavellian semi evil genius and hot to boot.
    Think its hard to trump your Trevor Jordache in the bastard stakes. I mean him and Fritzl would get along famously by the sounds of it.
    Warren off sundays hangover Hollyoaks is a bit of a cnut.

  36. Mel Says:

    But it is related to broken Britain, NC, because EDF are only so prolific over here because Gordon Brown’s brother works for them, the French, breaking Britain, cheap energy bastards.

    I have thought of more bastards – those ‘journalists’ that doorstep poor unsuspecting builders going about a dishonest day’s work. Bastards.

  37. Mel Says:

    I seem to be a double posting bastard today. WordPress are all bastards.

  38. Excelsior! Says:

    Are we allowed the freedom of telly, or is it just soapland?

  39. Mel Says:

    Lowri turner = bastard, but not on a soap. I had that one earlier, Excelsior. Internet service providers and the french are also on the list.

    Ooh, this could replace the WWM digest!

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Excelsior – I agree with you that Janine’s a prime bastard, not so sure I agree with you that she’s ‘hot’. Plump, spotty and moon-faced would be my verdict … but each to their own.

    You can have any bastard you want from tellyland. All bastards will be considered for entry into the hall of fame.

  41. Napoleon Says:

    I’m beginning to wonder if the WWM Digest wasn’t just a figment of our collective imaginations.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    Snide comment there, Mel!
    The fact of the matter is more impressive than you might think – I’m getting some software from free off our web developer people that’ll make handling the mailing list much easier – so I won’t be cutting and pasting the names of Bastards who want to unsubscribe in such a painfully slow process.

    Yes – web developers. EAT THAT.

    Exelsior – I also have a thing for Janine – my missus is ok with it so long as I respect her deep love for Giles Coren.

  43. Nick T Says:

    I thought it was tv bastards in general not soaps (continuing dramas)

  44. Swineshead Says:

    Come off it Nappers – you have to admit Janine’s got something about her. Pure evil is always quite something.

  45. Mel Says:

    SH, snide it may have been, but it was apposite, and makes me a bastard, so also on topic!

    I am a bit more impressed that you have had enough issues out that people have decided to unsubscribe, to be fair…but the web developers do sound good.

    *runs away*

  46. Swineshead Says:


  47. Mel Says:

    Oh, and on the topic of bastards, we are all overlooking the pantomime dame that is Simon Cowell. The bad pop-inflicting, high-waisted trouser wearing bastard.

  48. Nick T Says:

    “Web developers” and “free” are not usually things ones finds in the same sentence.
    Well done, although you haven’t got it yet eh?

  49. breeks Says:

    sh – i’m with the missus on GC. i can’t explain it, it just is.

  50. Nick T Says:


  51. Napoleon Says:

    She doesn’t float my boat, Swineshead. I prefer Dawn – the tart with a heart. Obviously, I don’t see the point of Dawn, but it’s nice to have her around to look at.

    I fear your conclusion to the Danielle / Ronnie estimate may be a little too conservative, by the way. I’m going for either hell freezing over, or the world’s first unassisted porcine flight.

  52. piqued Says:

    That Marquis of Bath on Heston’s Roman Shower last night, he’s a right bastard.

    Famous for inheriting a fortune and being ‘eccentric.’ That’s it.

    Well in my book that makes him a bollock-talking bastard who dresses like a pin cushion if you please.

  53. Mel Says:

    By that definition, piqued, at least you could not call him pointless
    *coat and scarf, and umbrella, it is supposed to rain today*

  54. Napoleon Says:

    He also produces some of the world’s worst art, Piqued. He’s slowly ruining the once-splendid private appartments of Longleat House with the stuff. You can bet your bottom dollar the entire collection will end up in a skip when the old boy kicks the bucket.

  55. piqued Says:

    He is pointless though, the definition I gave was of of someone completely pointless, and a bastard, a thick one at that

  56. piqued Says:

    (yes ‘of of’)

    Christ, I’d forgotten that, the fucker.

  57. Mel Says:

    I tell you who are bastards – the mindless idiots that schedule all these fucking property shows on all of the UK TV Channels. Jesus, I have been back a few days, and I am utterly bored of them all.

    Smug, Middle class, not yet affected by the recession, completely without imagination or balls bastards.

  58. piqued Says:

    don’t watch them then?

  59. Napoleon Says:

    And don’t forget his ‘wifelets’ – a strange collection of hippy women of all age ranges wot put up with sleeping with him because, I suspect, they like living rent-free in a stately home surrounded by lions and tigers and bears.

  60. Mel Says:

    I’m not piqued, I am moaning about them on here.

  61. Swineshead Says:

    I think I am technically middle class.

  62. Swineshead Says:

    Or maybe nouveau riche slowly graded into middle class one generation on.

    It all makes me feel a bit cheese and pickle.

  63. piqued Says:

    Lions and Tigers and Bears?

    Lions and Tigers and Bears?!

    *sucks off scarecrow*

  64. Swineshead Says:

    Don’t worry, Mel. Piqued is probably still smarting from the fact he’s the only one who still enjoys Grand Designs in the country.

  65. Mel Says:

    Me too, by the fact that i have been to Uni, and am employed in a job that pays over 10p a minute (or something), swines. However, i am not a smug one that deems it fit to continually show TV programmes about how to tart up property and sell property and become a landlord and auction property and move to the sun and downsize and build ridiculous projects that never get finished and and and.

    There is no original thought any more.

  66. piqued Says:

    I’ve just remembered something

    When I was 8 I thought the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz was Roy Castle. When dad explained it was impossible (for obvious reasons) I went mental as I was adamant it was. Wound up with me calling dad a ‘spastic’ getting a slap from mum and being sent to my room without any tea.

  67. breeks Says:

    oh harsh on the marquess of bath, y’all. he at least spends most of his money on animals. and kate humble and ben fogle.

  68. piqued Says:

    I do like Grand Designs yes, but that’s about design and architecture, not about the buying and selling of property purely for fiscal gain.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    I must say, as a renter of property, that I’m enjoying the help the government’s giving me and others like me by lowering my landlord’s monthly mortgage payments. I rejoice every time I hear the news that the interest rates are coming down to help ‘hard-working families and home-owners’ in these dark economic times. Good for them, I say, as I carry on handing over the same amount of money I always have to a bastard who’s reaping the benefits of the economic downturn in a way I’m not.


  70. Napoleon Says:

    Scarecrow = Roy Castle. There was something he did on the telly where he was dressed as the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz. It was probably Record Breakers.

  71. piqued Says:

    My mortgage hasn’t gone down NC. Rates have been lowered but most mortgage operators aren’t passing it on to the consumer

  72. Napoleon Says:

    Depends on what you’re on, Piqued. My landlord’s on a tracker, and the bastard’s laughing all the way to the bank.

  73. piqued Says:

    Yes that’s the only one where they have to pass on the discounts because the tracker is linked to interest outside of the lender…

    What a bastard

  74. Napoleon Says:

    I bet he’s bathing in my money, that bastard.

  75. piqued Says:

    I’ll wager he is. Wager it I will

  76. Excelsior! Says:

    I spend most of my time hating things, yet when it comes to putting them down in words, my mind goes utterly blank. Its like that 5 biggest hates thing all over again.

  77. piqued Says:


    Is this still going on?The bastard

  78. Napoleon Says:

    It’s going to a retrial, isn’t it? That’s what I was told by my employer’s legal people when I wanted to do a comic strip about him killing women.

  79. breeks Says:

    rents have gone down, if you’re looking now. when i looked at flats last week i negotiated down the price by £150/month. still didn’t take flat, tho. no. didn’t like the view.

  80. Mel Says:

    Was the view of your boring current flatmate Breeks?

  81. ugeine Says:

    favourite tv bastard: Phil Leotardo from the sopranos. He’s an old school nasty piece of work.

  82. piqued Says:

    That Phil Drabble from One Man and his Dog, right cunt

  83. ugeine Says:

    Jeff from Peep Show or Finchy from the office?

  84. indy Says:

    piqued: spector looks a bit like that lawrence lagagagadfdhö-bowyen (him. telly. designer. architect. 1800s corpse dug-up) doesn’t he?

  85. Mel Says:

    Why so piqued?

    I would nominate Anne Robinson, but she is merely a try-hard.

  86. indy Says:

    ugeine: i’d recommend ralphie from sopranos.

  87. breeks Says:

    mel – fortunately no, it wasn’t. there was nary a cankle, bulgy eye nor undercooked courgette in sight. just an alley. a dark one. shouldn’t be such things in chiswick. *tut*

  88. piqued Says:

    He does Indy, though Spector is less of a bastard

    You here yet?

  89. Excelsior! Says:

    yeaaaaah Jeff.

    ” There’s no threat from you mate. Even if you had yer cock in ‘er, you wouldnt have the balls to fuck”

  90. indy Says:

    piqued: not yet. i’m coming over tomorrow evening. stansted here we come!

  91. Mel Says:

    *is still awaiting news on Phil Drabble’s bastardness*

  92. Excelsior! Says:

    And Jonatton Yeah?, the magazine editor in Nathan Barley.

  93. ugeine Says:

    Good call Indy. And Johnny Sack. And Paulie Walnuts.

  94. piqued Says:

    Indy, spendid, see you soon then…

  95. indy Says:

    piqued: me and lots tried to crash in m and ps flat but it was apparently invaded by the french (invaded by the french, not the usual story of the french being invaded)

  96. indy Says:

    dixon bainbridge

  97. Swineshead Says:

    Hang on – Indy and piqued meeting up?

  98. indy Says:

    Excelsior!: good one! i saw nathan b this weekend and was amazed how i had missed the depth of j. yeah?s bastardness before.

  99. piqued Says:

    Indy, yes, that’s true. I believe you’re a Pet’s gaff for the weekend instead?

    SH, yes, we’re seeing DAF on saturday and M is DJing on friday… P mentioned it last week? Be acerz if you and the missus came…

  100. Napoleon Says:

    What the fuck’s this? Myspace?

  101. ugeine Says:

    Me and Dave are going to a Dr. Who convention on Saturday.


  102. breeks Says:

    i actually don’t remember the last time i saw SH. i think now he must merely be a head in a glass jar on a desk, controlling the keyboard with his eyezz.

  103. Nick T Says:

    I’m going to tip toe through the tulips…..

  104. indy Says:

    piqued: pet’s gaff it is.

    unfortunately there seems to have been some cockup with the ticket distribution for DAF. the bastards seems to have forgotten to send the bloody tickets to us. international delivery my arse. we had to pay extra for that “service”. and then; when you think that you’ll have yourself a malcolm tuckeresque screamfest to their telephone service it turns out that it has been shut down and they only take calls from the uk.

    there will be blood…

    *adds ticket company to list of bastards*

  105. Swineshead Says:

    Going out where?
    Balls to that – I refuse to leave Hackney.

    Why can’t you lot just go to the pub? Weirdos. I bet you’ll get all dressed up in black man-leggings.

    Breeks – I haven’t left the house since early December 08.

  106. breeks Says:

    yes, but it was prob a year longer than that since i saw you.

    are you even alive?

  107. indy Says:

    i am sure there will be time for a crisp, refreshing lager beer in some pub in ‘ackney as well.

    *lies down like a turtle on it’s back, tries to get in to black man-leggings*

  108. Mel Says:

    You coming to the flatlands Nick?

    Bring an umbrella. It rains a lot.

  109. breeks Says:

    indy – it’s all about man-stockings in this great city, now. get with.


  110. indy Says:

    breeks: hey! i almost clicked that link! do you want me to get fired?

  111. Swineshead Says:

    Right – quick query…

    Can you put in order of preference what category of article you prefer:

    One Minute Review
    Just a Thought
    Friday Question

    This is my half-arsed attempt at market research.

  112. Nick T Says:

    I can’t tell the difference between any of them

  113. indy Says:

    emphasis on quick:
    One Minute Review
    Friday Question
    Just a Thought

  114. Swineshead Says:

    Nick – that’s because you’re a halfwit.

    Btw – have you got Dropbox?
    It’s very useful for sharing files / collaborating – want me to send you a referral? If I do we both get free storage space…

    Indy – thank your face.

  115. breeks Says:

    sh – no, not really. i notice the friday question cause it mostly comes on a friday. don’t really figure on the difference between the others.

  116. Mel Says:

    In this order for me:
    Friday Question
    Review/ One Minute Review
    Just a Thought

    Hope that helps

  117. Nick T Says:

    breeks, together we make a whole wit

  118. breeks Says:

    i mostly don’t notice cause i’m not bothered what it is. i just want to read it quick and rush through reading other people’s comments so i can write one.

  119. Mel Says:

    That is very honest of you, Breeks.

  120. breeks Says:

    i do not believe i am alone.

  121. piqued Says:

    Indy, that’s fucking shit. I’ll sneak you in under my dress if it comes to it

    SH, depends really. The fatter reviews seem to attract a wider more diverse audience, whereas Newsgush/Just a thought gets the regulars talking/arguing

  122. Mel Says:

    No Breeks, you certainly aren’t.

  123. indy Says:

    piqued: “The fatter reviews seem to attract a wider more diverse audience, whereas Newsgush/Just a thought gets the regulars talking/arguing”

    so which one do you prefer?

  124. piqued Says:

    without wishing to be awkward I like them all for different reasons

  125. Swineshead Says:

    So from my market research I’ve ascertained that women don’t actually read any of the content I write.

    Good lord…

  126. Swineshead Says:

    Next question – can women read?

  127. breeks Says:

    i do read. i read it all. i just don’t care under what heading you stick your (often entertaining, to be fair) warblings.

  128. piqued Says:

    I can and I’ve lovely soft tits

  129. Mel Says:

    Man boobs don’t count, Piqued.

    I read everything, but i like the Friday question best as we are all usually funnier.

  130. Swineshead Says:

    I wasn’t being serious. I love you all like you were my family. Physically.


  131. Nick T Says:

    I love them all for the same reasons.
    Am also with breeks and Mel.

    *holds hands and skips down street swinging same*

  132. Napoleon Says:

    I would put them in order of good to shit as follows:

    The ranting ones
    The angry ones
    The unecessarily vicious ones
    The weird ones
    The Friday Question
    Anything Ugeine writes
    Dave’s comments

  133. ugeine Says:


    Review – probably mostly the reason I come here
    Friday Question – wouldnt be so far up but they’ve been rate inventive lately
    One Minute Review
    Just a Thought




    Limp Bizkit / papa roach collaboration


  134. Swineshead Says:


  135. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I take on board what Napoleon fairly says about my comments and am mindful it could be having an adverse effect on this blog. Saying that, I think you would coax a much wider range of commentors if people weren’t insulted and we stuck to topic – somethign Swineshead has practiced for a while now, I believe.

    I’m just gonna use your RRS feed from now on. That’s a truth.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I reckon you’ve gone funny in the head. Your comments are becoming increasingly peculiar. Must be that feculant Scotch air … or too much wanking.

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