NewsGush: Secret Millionaire’s Ratings Explosion

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Last night I watched a middle-aged scrap-yard worker called Gary, who sported a lovely grey mullet, as he exposed himself to a heroin addict, a young man with leukemia and two ancient war veterans.

Stop right there!

He wasn’t exposing his genitals, you dirty sod! He was exposing his emotions!

And the public appear to love it. Apparently, last night’s audience for Channel 4’s The Secret Millionaire grew by 800,000 viewers on last week’s.

You lot can’t get enough of this misplaced altruism! You love the sight of someone with a huge amount of independent wealth giving a sliver of it away in public, enjoying the positive PR and washing their hands of past sins in exchange for a week of  mindless generosity.

It’s like Noel’s Christmas Presents without the Christmas. 

The thing that gets me about this moronic show is that, now we’re a few series deep, surely when an ailing charity get a call from Channel 4 saying someone wants to look around and spend some time with them they’re going to have heard word that it’s probably one of these television millionaires. Won’t that destroy the whole point of the worst part of the programme – the cheque handover money-shot?

Can’t we just get the cheque thing out of the way early on and have an actual money-shot at the end? Imagine those two in the above picture in such a tryst! The viewing figures would properly explode. Explosions all round.

Cue: Snow Patrol and tears.

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66 Responses to “NewsGush: Secret Millionaire’s Ratings Explosion”

  1. fourstar Says:

    There are always tears when I hear fucking Snow Patrol.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    There’s always mindless violence round mine when that lot come on the TV.

    And if I ever hear Gary Barlow’s Greatest Day Of Our Lives I will KILL, then kill again.

  3. ugeine Says:

    I watched this for the first time the other day. It was a great springboard for my flatmate to make greatly uniformed remarks about depression sufferers, but apart from that it weren’t much cop.

  4. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I want to issue that millionaire with a cheque for £7.50 so he can get a decent bloody haircut.

    And the show always manages to choke me up.

  5. piqued Says:

    The programme is called The Secret Millionaire right? Well that’s ridiculous, it’s no secret Gary is a millionaire. We all he know he’s one. I mean he’s on TV as a millionaire. Pathetic

    Come on Channel 4, let’s have some transparency.

  6. Mel Says:

    This is another one that i have never watched, as the premise seems horribly patronising and/or exploitative.

    It is MASSIVE over here. There is one channel that has bought it in, and added dutch narration. They cannot find their own millionaires apparently, or i guess they would make it themselves. There is a Dutch version of Come Dine With Me, but they insist on finding the “wackiest” contestants, instead of people that have an unshaking belief in their own ability to entertain a few dinner guests.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I’d like to see them all jizz all over all their faces at the end.

  8. Mel Says:

    who SH, the millionaires, or the people that they are patronizing, or the Dutch come dine with me guests?

    *confused*

  9. piqued Says:

    Or a song and dance number

  10. piqued Says:

    Mel, the Dutch dine with come?

    Jesus Christ

  11. Mel Says:

    *rolls eyes*

    Piqued, that “joke” should result in having to stand in the comedy corner with your nose against the wall for at least 2 hours, while you think about what you have done.

    Also, i believe there are many specialist shops here in which you may well be right, but comments like that also come quite close to being on the xenophobia list…

  12. piqued Says:

    Mel, I’ve been to Holland. Flatter than a witches tit so it is. The food’s awful too unless you like weak cheese, floppy ham and snow-white bread. And chips (probably, I was whacked out of my brain from the moment I arrived, I’m not sure I ate anything accept hash cakes)

  13. Mel Says:

    You will get absolutely no argument from me on the food front Piqued. I find it amazing that a country that prides itself on having famous cheese (eg Edam) is so proud of such awful plastic rubbish. Even Nappers’ orange cheddar would be nice, by comparison.

    That said though, apart from the food, i love liviing here, and luckily i can cook, so don’t need to eat Dutch food.

  14. piqued Says:

    Edam’s not much cop either. Still, half naked ladies in windows and loads of killer weed, who needs food.

  15. Mel Says:

    oh they are also proud of cheese nnamed after other Dutch towns. They say there is a difference, but not one that i have been able to ascertain. It is all floppy plastic tasteless and weak.

    Also, surely the point is that with killer weed, you DO need food, but you are far less fussy about it…

  16. Nick T Says:

    Don’t forget the sprinkes…..

  17. Nick T Says:

    and the hash cakes

  18. Mel Says:

    ah yes, nick – sprinkles = hagel slags. They are normally chocolate flavour, but when a collague has a baby, it is traditional to have then in pink/blue and white on crispbreads, when they are called ‘Koekjes med mousjes’, or bicuits with mice, and they are a weird aniseed flavour. Very odd.

  19. Nick T Says:

    Traditional Hagel Slags.

    You people disgust me!

  20. Mel Says:

    what people?

    They eat Hagel Slags for BREAKFAST! surely that is list – qualifying blasphemy!

  21. piqued Says:

    ‘and they are a weird aniseed flavour. Very odd.’

    *Translation*

    ‘and they taste like fetid genital sores. Fucking horrific’

  22. Mel Says:

    And why would they call them biscuits with mice? I prefer my biscuits to be mouse free, wherever possible. They are not selling it well, i feel.

  23. ugeine Says:

    I’ve always wanted to watch Dutch football in real life. I’d imagine it’s like watching league 1 over here only with the odd Brazilian / Eastern European superstar running rings round people.

  24. piqued Says:

    Mel, they missed ‘droppings’ off after ‘mice’

  25. ugeine Says:

    Pussy has never been used in British English to mean somebody who is sweet. Arrested Development lies to me again!

  26. Mel Says:

    ah, you could be onto something there piqued!

  27. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Mel, I lived in the Netherlands for some years and you can get really good cheese. Cheese shops and Delicatessens have the really good farm produced cheese. The guy in my local delicatessen warned of the mass produced edams etc but it is perfectly easy to find ”oude kaas”.
    BTW, most cheddar cheeses we have in the supermarket here are lesser quality than finding the better stuff.

    Eugeine, I played amateur football in the Netherlands and some of the Sunday league players were quite exceptional. In training emphasis was on skill and passing….on the ground. (It is a flat country afterall). I would also say, the food generally speaking is ok, just as good as here.

  28. ugeine Says:

    DINLT: my views on Dutch football are formed purely on catching the odd game on t’internets and glancing with shock at some ex Dutch league player’s record in said league (such as Majeta ‘top scorer free years running’ Kezman and Alfonso ‘double Hatrick’ Alves), and should be treated as the drunken ramblings of a tramp.

  29. Mel Says:

    DINLT, I shop at the farmers market, and get my cheese from the supplier. I have found Oude kaas to be acceptable for some applications, but if i am having cheese, for cheese and crackers, for example, then i prefer the cheese to be made a different way (eg using the methodologies from france, italy, england – my farmer makes a very nice “shropshire blue” made in holland, but not using dutch cheesemaking methods)

    You may not have detected this, but i am a food snob, and would never have purchased cheddar from a supermarket (and certainly not the vacuum packed stiff you get in the dairy section) in any case. And, i actually do think that the British food has improved somewhat in the last 10 years, so is generally a bit nicer than dutch food, especially in restaurants.

  30. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Why talk football when GB are ruling the F1? British Champion, British team did a 1,2 on opening weekend, British drivers first and third on opening weekend…

  31. fourstar Says:

    Vacuum packed stiff? That sounds like some very specialist material you’ve got there (and in the supermarket too).

    *flees*

  32. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    do not forget German engines Dave.

  33. myopiniononstuff Says:

    British German engines, DINLT. British.

  34. ugeine Says:

    Because F1 makes cricket look fun?

  35. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Sure thing Mel. I realise that you are a sensible person with good taste.
    Not long until the herring season eh…end of April and through May.
    To be honest i prefered the restaurants in Holland, less expensive, much less ostentatious and usually with stuff on the menus like French Onion soup, snails etc with authentic produce. Also the ubiquitous Argentijns steak houses were quite good.

  36. Mel Says:

    Yes, i like the herring, and it coincides perfectly with the dutch bank holiday season, so all the more reason to like it!

  37. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Lekker!

  38. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    BTW..We still seem to be on GMT on this site. BST now!

  39. myopiniononstuff Says:

    RED DWARF EASTER SPECIAL THIS EASTER WEEKEND! YES!

  40. Nick T Says:

    DINLT did you do some coaching in in Hong Kong or something?

    *probes*

  41. Nick T Says:

    Yes Dave, I had to cull Mr Llewellyn from twitter as he banged on about it (and Car pool) every minute of the day.

  42. myopiniononstuff Says:

    It’s going to be shitter than a Grant/Naylor simili but I’m excited, Nick T.

  43. fourstar Says:

    I’ve culled all the slebs from my Twitter, they don’t half go on.

  44. Nick T Says:

    I’ve kept Alan Carr, William Shatner, Rob Brydon and Dave Gorman

  45. fourstar Says:

    Carr and Brydon are OK to be fair

  46. Nick T Says:

    Oh and David Mitchell

  47. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I don’t really know how to use Twitter but am interested in following Demi Moore’s arse. How does one Twit that?

  48. Nick T Says:

    I wish Rich Hall was on twitter. There is one but it’s not the Rich I want.

    Where the blinking flip is naps?

  49. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Coaching in Hong Kong?? Never been to HK but really would like to go. I would eat chinese food all day!
    Barack and I are following each other on Twitter.
    I will add Captain Kirk as well.

  50. Nick T Says:

    Here you go dave http://twitter.com/aplusk

  51. Nick T Says:

    Just trying to work out if I know you DINLT or you have just heard of me.

  52. Mel Says:

    Honestly, i think that twitter fo me would mean the same thing as online boggle – unemployment…

  53. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    No Nick we do not know each other. We both have swum at Hampton Pool however.

  54. Nick T Says:

    If you were unemployed you would have more time for online boggle AND twitter.

  55. Mel Says:

    true, nick, but i would not have sufficient money for the internet…

  56. Excelsior! Says:

    You can steel the internet through walls these days Mel.

    I did that for 2 years as a student.

  57. Mel Says:

    Very true excelsior, especially here where very few people have their access secured. However, a recent visit home showed that this is not the case in London, which is where i would go again to be unemployed.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    Vote please!

    http://twtpoll.com/6vppoq

  59. Mel Says:

    I just did SH, since you asked so nicely. My vote was not based in any factual knowledge, as i have never seen the programme, i merely based it on your review. This will skew the results though, so please remember to give margins of error when you give out the results.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll be on news24 when the votes are counted, no doubt.

    It’s meant to be an exciting week but all I can see are tumbleweeds.

  61. ugeine Says:

    Maybe we should create a bit of controversy and start an argument to get more people reading.

  62. ugeine Says:

    All my colleagues are raving about the Chris Moyles show, funnily enough.

  63. Clarry Says:

    *crackle*

    Am I on?

    … Hi guys… me again…

    I fear trouble will come my way if I keep visiting here when using a colleague’s computerz.

    Never fear, I shall hopefully be back in action later this week.

    Phew! Hey guys? He…

    *crackle*

  64. Nick T Says:

    The pic for WWM on my favourites has changed.

  65. Swineshead Says:

    Ugeine – any suggestions for an outrage accepted. Though when the outrage hits, they’ll seize upon these pre-emptive outrage comments.

    Clarry – COME BACK VERRY SOOOBNS

    Nick – It was a ‘W’ for WordPress before, wasn’t it? I changed it yesterday with my fingers.

  66. Nick T Says:

    It’s voodoo I tells ya!

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