Celebrity Juice


celebrity juice keith lemon fearne cotton holly willoughby ITV2

ITV’s not exactly ruled the panel show show format over the years and the odds are they’re not about to start with ITV2’s Celebrity Juice, hosted by Keith Lemon.

Keith Lemon is, of course, the man who used to don a neck-brace and play the giddy goat on the disconcertingly popular Bo Selecta, with its cavalcade of non-impersonations and irritating catchphrases. Since being dropped by Channel 4,  Leigh Francis (for it is he) has taken on the persona of Keith – a ginger moustache, casual dress and bleached hair combining with a pronounced Yorkshire accent to manifest this new character. And it’s a character based on nought.

It’s not a hilarious stereotype, it’s not a grotesque amplification of a known type and it’s not something so new and surreal that it makes you question the very fabric of comedy – it’s simply a man from Leeds, in a costume, dicking about. If some people find that funny, then good luck to them, but after five minutes of Celebrity Juice surely the joke wears thin even for those defective enough to have found it funny in the first place?

He says things like ‘bang tidy’ and makes jokes about tits and arses and cocks, but the only people laughing at the right points are the panel. The studio audience simply applaud for the full 25 minutes. Their applause doesn’t let up at any point throughout the show. Occasionally it may be overshadowed by ominous whooping at an ear-splitting volume, out of whack with the speech onstage, but the applause just goes on and on and pitilessly on so that your mind’s not allowed to rest. It’s a barrage of cretinous hand-clapping that upsets, unsettles and unnerves, and it lasts right up until the bitter end.

The regular team leaders are Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton. Holly and Fearne, the unthinking man’s crumpet. Holly & Fearne, pedestrian totty for the asinine bumbrains of this great nation. Holly and Fearne, corroding your eyeballs as they laugh at Keith Lemon’s jokes, playing along with his gags because they’ve been misinformed by their terrible agents that it might boost their profile – making it seem that they can laugh at themselves. They think they’re playing Ulrika to Lemon’s Vic Reeves – but haven’t registered that the chemistry is non-existent and that none of the players have any of the wit, likeability or humour of any of the Shooting Stars crew.

Speaking of Shooting Stars, Celebrity Juice is, at the core of it, a blatant attempt to thieve that format and hot-foot it over the channel-divide. But everything’s wrong. Where Shooting Stars would have, say, a musician, a page 3 girl, a 70s celebrity and a Radio 1 DJ, Celebrity Juice puts Rufus Hound on one team and Dick ‘n’ Dom on the other. And one of the Loose Women. Thomas Turgoose was also there in the episode I watched, but he’s exempt from criticism because he’s only nine years old.

With Fearne and Holly to head up the ranks, neither of whom have ever been paid for being funny, where the hell is the good stuff meant to come from? Shooting Stars had charismatic Ulrika, comedian Vegas, comedian Lamarr and intellectual Self to throw around the banter with the likes of John Peel and Jarvis Cocker, but this kind of talent is completely absent from Juice – Shooting Star’s runty, limping sibling.

Where are the bon mots? Wither the witticisms? When am I supposed to laugh?

The jokes aren’t erupting out of Hound’s mouth. Dick ‘n’ Dom look lost. The Loose Woman just shrieks and poor old Turgoose looks like he’s walked into the wrong studio. As a whole, the thing’s a gag-free stream of shouting, split-second clips and badly conceptualised stunts.

At the end, as a way of signing off, the losing team gets ‘gunged’ by the winning team, in a worrying flashback to the grim old days of Noel’s House Party. And when I got to that point, I have to admit I stifled a laugh at something onscreen.

A small, sinister snicker creeped out of the side of my gob and lingered as I rewound to watch the moment again and again. Lurching forward, Lemon slipped on some slime and fell on his arse, all the way over his tit. But it wasn’t the slapstick of the moment or the intentioned comedy of a clown that had me ho-ho-ho-ing. I was chuckling under my breath at the fact that his coxix-jarring somersault actually looked really, really fucking painful. Just desserts for the agonising infliction that wasted the preceding twenty-five minutes I’d say.

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123 Responses to “Celebrity Juice”

  1. Sue De Nymh Says:

    That Bo Selecta man would be first against the wall come my revolution. Well. one of the first few, perhaps in the first 20 or so but definitely after Moyles…
    I watched that sex eductaion show last night that blamed all of society’s woes on pr0n and felt it was a bit odd in that breasts and lady’s genitals were being explained to me as if I was an innocent 8 year old in a Human Biology lesson – AT HALF PAST NINE AT NIGHT!

  2. Sue De Nymh Says:

    P.S. I’ve got a wonky keyborad this morning. Apologies.

  3. Nick T Says:

    There’s someone called “Turgoose”

    Even the trailer for this trash looks vile.

  4. Nick T Says:

    The trailer sounds like “Celebrity Jews”

    There’s a fruit juice bar in Southampton called “Love Juice”

    Does anyone else have juice? (JEWS)

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Nick – don’t make me put you on the Most Racist list. I think it’d be your first time to make its pages…

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Sue – I’ve got that to watch on V+ – is it worth a look or shall I delete?

  7. Nick T Says:

    I have it to watch later. She mentions the word “vulva”

    I’m also doing a fav for someone copying a wonderful fim call “Sola”
    It’s based on Sodam and Gomoragh and the MArquis De Sade.

  8. Sue De Nymh Says:

    It’s worth a look if you’re bored, but as I said – some of it feels like sitting through a Biology lesson at school.
    Best part was showing teenager’s parents Teh pr0n.

  9. Nick T Says:

    Teh prOn? Is that another name for “Sprinkles”?

  10. Badger Madge Says:

    hang on. this sex ed prog was a repeat surely. i’ve seen it before. they show the parents the cup pron and they’re rilly shocked their 15-y-o- is watching that sort of thing.

  11. Excelsior! Says:

    SH – i found that sex education show to be exquisite. Pure Brass Eye from start to finish. The highlights for me being when they showed a panel of parents some porn and the purile humortastic bit at the end when the pretty lady asked a group of schoolboys if they’d ever come across a girl who was completely shaven (oh COME ON).

  12. Swineshead Says:

    I might have to watch it over lunch, it sounds alright.

    Two Girls One Cup is extreme stuff – it’s not like the kids are wanking over that Brazilian fetish stuff. More worrying is the trend in yankie porn for gagging, brutality and humiliation. All a bit rough.

    *walks out cupping privates*

  13. Excelsior! Says:

    A friend of mine (a lady friend no less) sent me some video of a man squeezing a glass jar up his arse, with horrific consequences. That was unpleasent to say the least.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Oh christ. Are we talking vacuum… and inevitable rectal relapse?

    Owch. How would you get it all back in?

    Just sit on it I suppose.

    B3ta once carried a delightful series of photos in which a man diced his own endowment. That really is one for the mind-tattoo collection.

  15. Excelsior! Says:

    Lets just say glass isnt supposed to be put under those sorts of pressures.
    And glass shards are sharp.

    This must be a new record for going (horribly) off topic.

  16. Swineshead Says:


    Jesus wept. Doesn’t bear thinking about.

    I like this off topic, let’s continue this off topic. It’s not like anyone’s around to stop us.

  17. Excelsior! Says:

    Yeah! Those politically correct feminist nazi’s cant stop a man from watching another man shred his arsehole and innards!

    Porns so hot right now anyway

    Case in point – Jacqui Smith’s husband expenses porn
    which got a big


    *takes deep breath*


    from me

  18. Nick T Says:

    If you want something a little sweeter

  19. fourstar Says:

    Jacqui Smith’s husband is a fool. She was having broadband paid for on expenses – what on earth would you need to PPV a (probably heavily censored) porn film from Virgin TV for? What a fucking idiot.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Self Harm Porn is the bee’s bollocks. I loves it.

    Fourstar – I bet he was drunk. I’d put money on it.

  21. Mel Says:

    Fourstar – maybe because his virgin internet connection was fucky? It seems that the TV often works despite the internets going down, as it were?

    On the original subject, how is it easy to tell thhe difference between Rufus Lemon, and Keith Ford? When i first saw that picture above, i thought it was Rufus. Aren’t they quite interchangeable (although i will admit that Rufus was quite funny a couple of times in The Apprentice: You’re Fired show the other week)?

  22. piqued Says:

    SH, do you remember that quite disgusting thing I wrote about Cotton? It was disgsuting SH, disgustinggsz

  23. Excelsior! Says:

    Nick i tried to tell you my favourite cake was cheesecake (does that count as a proper cake?) but then it asked me to log in and it was all to much.

    SH – i managed to dig up that video, if its still there you’re welcome to it


    i didnt watch it all the way to the end so it could always turn out to be some hilarious hoax.

    *this is HORRIBLE so don’t blame me

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Mel – Hound was an arse on You’re Fired, I thought. And worse on something else I saw him on. He seems to think that shouting = funny.

    Piqued – I remember very well. it was beyond the pale even for the specialist website it was aimed at…

    Exelsior – I will not look at that.

  25. piqued Says:

    Aaah, it so was. Do you know I daren’t even post it on my nonsense

    *watched jarsquatter*

  26. Mel Says:

    SH – i did say a couple of times, i remember smiling wryly at a couple of things he said. I maintain that he looks like keith lemon from the above shot.

    Should that linky have the NSFW disclaimer Excelsior? (For the record, i have no intention whatsoever of clicking on it). What if some poor worker is looking at this?

  27. Nick T Says:

    Exelsior, is it really THAT hard?

    You should know that I feed on all the comments I get and I’m getting thinner and thinner.

  28. piqued Says:

    I meant ‘watches jarsquatter*

    (and that was a lie, it even sounds disturbing)

    Dave, you watch it and tells us what happens

  29. Excelsior! Says:

    Yes it should be somehow flagged or preferabley deleted as i regret posting it now.

    Get rid of it.

  30. piqued Says:

    Ex, at least give us some idea what happens, you’ve pricked my curiosity.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    It’s gone. I bet Piqued managed to fit in a quick tommy over it.

  32. ugeine Says:

    I watched the SE show last night. It was marvelous. A rigerous scientific study that relied on the fact that teenage boys don’t lie about sex.

  33. ugeine Says:

    Rigorous, even.

  34. piqued Says:

    Gone but not forgotten




  35. piqued Says:

    I just bought a pair of brand new (boxed) Sennheiser CX500’s on ebay for £8 inc postings.

    They must have been knocked off surely?

  36. fourstar Says:

    “Hound…seems to think that shouting = funny.”

    Indeed. Corden suffers from the same delusion. Twunt.

  37. Excelsior! Says:

    Now i just look look a colossal pervert.

    If this is where porn leads then maybe that sex show had something..

    Piqued – maybe to your jaded eyes, it would seem tame, cute even, but i am an innocent and for me it was like Nam.

  38. piqued Says:

    Ex, that wasn’t a synopsise, it was an opinion

    You ought to be ashamed

  39. Swineshead Says:

    You don’t look that bad Ex, don’t fret.
    Is ‘corden’ a word? I only ask as the missus played it at scrabble the other day.

    Piqued – I don’t know what one of those is.

  40. piqued Says:

    Oh, you pervert by the way

  41. Mel Says:

    Excelsior, perhaps you can be of service after all, and e-mail that link to Mr Jaqui Smith, who may well find it entertaining and educational. And it has the benefit of being free, so we won’t have to pay for it either.

    Come to think of it, you pay UK taxes, not me, so it would have the added benefit of you ot having to pay for it.

  42. Sue De Nymh Says:

    Rufus Hound = Simon Pegg drawn by a 12 year old.

  43. ugeine Says:

    Can’t MPs claim their television packages as expenses anyway?

  44. Mel Says:

    SH – isn’t the word Cordon – as in ‘the police set up a cordon around the area’

    But, aren’tyou some kind of copywriter? Surely you will know these things better than i?

  45. Mel Says:

    Yes, and they have. In this instance Ug, it was found out because virgin itemise all paid-per-view content, so it showed up on the bill, a copy of which ust be submitted in order to claim the expense, and a mole has leaked it to the press.

  46. piqued Says:

    I refuse to post another word until Ex spills the beans

  47. Nick T Says:

    Are they coming from China Piqued?
    Thems cheap stuff from the china.

    No one has a favourite cake then?

    THAT’S why Adam and Jo don’t do a text the nation on it.

  48. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Squirrels, Skunks, Moles..Where will it end?

  49. Swineshead Says:

    Clearly not the ‘specials’. Ugeine.

    Mel – yes I am, but ‘cordon’ doesn’t come up a lot in copy about accountants and the city…

  50. Swineshead Says:

    He explained it many comments ago, Piqued.

  51. Nick T Says:

    Erm Piqued http://reviews.ebay.co.uk/How-to-spot-fake-Sennheiser-CX500_W0QQugidZ10000000006176066

  52. ugeine Says:

    Mel / SH, isn’t it splitting hairs a bit? I’m a bit confused by this, so has the husband not done anything wrong morally considering they can pay for their entertainment with the taxpayers money (while I’m sitting with a pissweak 27 a month virgin basic package, grumble), and it’s just been blown out of proportion and is generally a bit of a gaffe, or does the fact he paid for porn rather then Finding Nemo suddenly make it worse?

  53. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Ugeine, the claim for the films, Oceans 11 , surf’s up is just as scandalous. The porn one mkes a better story given the position of the twits wife.

  54. Mel Says:

    Well, you will know now for next year, swines. I am sure that the word cordon will come up at some point in next year’s annual reports – eg ‘profits were down in general this year, but on April 1st we suffered our biggest losses, because no-one could get to work due to the cordon the Met had placed around the city to prevent the G20 demonstrators from smashing up the joint’ or similar…

    You’re welcome.

    Also, where is nappers? I hope that he hasn’t come to harm on all the dog turds he has on his path. 2 days since he poked his head round the door.

  55. Mel Says:

    Ugeine, i am of the personal opinion that he can watch whatever he likes, but the great Britidsh taxpayer should not have to pay for it, whether it be Oceans 13 or bobbing head pr0n.

  56. ugeine Says:

    Same here Mel.

    I’m confused.com!

  57. Excelsior! Says:

    As i said earlier Nick – if Cheesecake’s allowed then im plumping for that.

    That episode of my life is over Piqued. I cant even remember what you’re talking about.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    I am a bit worried about Nappers – the last conversation we had I accidentally insulted his mother. Thanks for the Cordon/Corden tip, btw.

    As for the Virgin Media porn – Ugeine, yes it is splitting hairs to discuss the films he watched and it seems a little unfair, but we should be grateful that it’s opened up the debate on expenses.

    I can’t believe they get a VIP Virgin Media package. What possible use is Style by Jury on DivaTV or the Myspace chart on MTV2 to a politician?

  59. Excelsior! Says:

    I think MP’s allowences been an issue for a while now hasn’t it? Isnt it all down to the fact that they feel sheepish about giving themselves proper pay rises, so they end up with a murky system of benefits instead.

  60. Excelsior! Says:

    Re: Nappers – he hasn’t choked on one of his farts has he?

  61. ugeine Says:

    So the debates about the uses of expenses then, that makes sense.

    Still don’t see why he just can’t get it from lay bys like normal people.

  62. Mel Says:

    Re Style by Jury – isn’t Jaqui Smith leading the charge to abolish this – therefore her being able to get it on TV is relevant as a demonstration of her hypocrisy?


  63. Mel Says:

    Can one REALLY find pr0n in laybys? I hear a lot of men say this, but have never seen any myself – or is that an excuselike ‘I am going to walk the dog’?

    Is that a rubbish excuse?

    *genuine question*

  64. ugeine Says:



  65. Swineshead Says:

    If Nappers had a mobile phone I’d be able to find out what he’s up to. As it stands, I only have his better half’s mobile number (in case of emergency) and he reacted badly when I called that to get hold of him last time. He went all furious.

  66. Excelsior! Says:

    Mel – has any man ever given you the excuse “sorry i can’t im going to find porn on a layby”?

  67. Mel Says:

    What about e-mail? Isn’t an e-mail address on one of his myriad websites?

    Tell him we are all worried.

  68. ugeine Says:

    Mel: It’s a joke about truck drivers, I always thought. As in, they dump their porn in the nearest lay by before returning to their wife.

  69. Mel Says:

    No, but i have heard it mention that this is where teenage boys get their porn. Similar to men saying that they are walking the dog when they are nipping out for a pint.

  70. Mel Says:

    Thanks Ug. It has cleared it up a little. It is a wonder that they didn’t catch the Yorkshire Ripper a bit earlier if they all went about dumping their jizz material in laybys…

  71. Swineshead Says:

    I used to live in the fens. If a shrub was larger than a metre in radius it would contain tattered jazz mags. It was a given.

    Have emailed him Mel – don’t worry…

  72. Excelsior! Says:

    Ugeine – i imagine they use the porn to wrap up the ladies bodies before dumping them near the laybys.

  73. Mel Says:

    Thanks Swines. Perhaps i just used to hang about in better areas then. I practically moved into the den me and my mates built in a hedge, and never once have i found porn.

  74. piqued Says:

    Right, just checked the description Jarwotsits, I want be watching

    Nick, thanks for the link. Was a bit worried to begin with but they’re the real deal, they sound amazing

  75. Swineshead Says:

    What sounds amazing?
    Jar-ass rupture?

    You’re a sick man, Piqued.

  76. piqued Says:


  77. Swineshead Says:

    White tears from a hog’s eye, I suspect.

  78. Mel Says:

    What on earth does that mean SH?

    It is usually me that comes out with weird and wonderful phrases. (if it is good, i may steal it)

  79. piqued Says:

    I know what he meant Mel, that’s all that counts


    *gets tissue*

  80. Mel Says:

    Piqued, if you are going to indulge in in-jokes, surely it is better to do that on piqued, so all your readership will get it?

  81. piqued Says:


    *lifts handbag*

    Get her, Miss Mel ploppity plops

  82. Nick T Says:

    Th etrolley hasn’t been round with my nuts…hang on….hark!

  83. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’d sooner watch Celebrity Juice than Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle, truth be told. At least the former is somewhat coherent.

  84. piqued Says:

    You kidding Dave?

    *remembers Dave likes Red Dwarf*

    Carry on

  85. Mel Says:

    I think that Dave has just been delivered to Nick on that trolley of his.

    Stewart Lee is incoherent – pfft.

  86. piqued Says:

    Was that a little fart Mel?

    I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s very nice. There’s people in here.

    You might want to go to the toilet next time.

  87. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Well he isn’t, Mel. I said his comedy vehicle is. He’s basically stretching old material and plopping it into vague weekly segments for the telly. Not so sharp when you’re preaching like a tosser. And he’s a London-centric cunt with it.

  88. piqued Says:


    bloody nora

  89. Mel Says:

    That is because no-one cares about the Scotland, Dave. And i call pottle on your claim of him stretching out old material.

  90. Nick T Says:

    I’d rather sit on a jar Dave….



    The troller went passed without calling in!

    It’s pushed by one of the special needs students who shouts at everything “WHATS THAT BEEPING?”

  91. Nick T Says:

    I’d rather sit on a jar Dave….



    The troller went passed without calling in!

    It’s pushed by one of the special needs students who shouts at everything

    “WHATS THAT BEEPING?” he shreeked

    “It’s the lift”

    “WHO’S IN THE LIFT?” etc etc….

    He is very funny, but I’m waiting for him to come back with my almonds!

  92. Mel Says:

    Ha! troller is the word we used to use as kids for an ugly person. I believe that it has been replaced these days by minger.

    Troller was probably one of those lost west country words.

  93. piqued Says:



  94. Nick T Says:

    Lucky she didn’t give him a blow job….

  95. Mel Says:

    Well what do you expect from one so uncouth as to be caught picking her nose outside the court room by photographers?

  96. myopiniononstuff Says:

    “A single girl’s ballet shoe. A. Single. Girl’s. Ballet shoe. In my changing room, a single girl’s ballet shoe. Single and a girl’s, a ballet shoe lay before me, ladies and gentlemen. *exhale breath and stare hatefully at the license fee payers*. A single girl’s ballet shoe, for a girl, intended for ballet, a single girl’s ballet shoe lay before me.”

  97. Nick T Says:

    Dave, have got a jar stuck up your bot?

  98. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Is that a trick question, Nick?

  99. Nick T Says:

    What has this little old world come to?
    Can’t a man ask another man if he has a jar up his bot without the other said man getting suspicious (and defensive)

  100. Excelsior! Says:

    Its political cor…………………


  101. breeks Says:


    i’ve been werrrking. it’s ok, though, all the kids are still alive.

    what’ve i missed? not celebrity juice, that’s for sure. i hate that dude, whatever character he’s mangling. he’s shit.

    this morning there was a spider in my shower and cause i didn’t have my contacts in i couldn’t tell. till it moved. then i think i killed it. with my EYEZ.

  102. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Josh Hartnett is in hospital and nobody even cares. None of you give a damn about him but me.

  103. piqued Says:

    I don’t fancy him like you do, Dave

  104. myopiniononstuff Says:

    That’s because you’re a repressed homsexual, Piqued. I’m secure enough with my heterosexuality to admit I’d stroke Hartnett’s cheek with the back of my right hand if ever he asked.

  105. breeks Says:

    i liked him in lucky slevin. *

    *quite a lot

  106. Nick T Says:

    It’s all about cakes over at mine breeks

  107. piqued Says:

    ‘I’m secure enough with my heterosexuality to admit I’d stroke Hartnett’s cheek with the back of my right hand if ever he asked.’

    I’d say that was pretty much past just being secure with your hetrosexuality and moving quite a long way into the homo variety

  108. breeks Says:

    reminds me, i must make more banana bread.

    i agreed to take on a new flat last night, wwm peeps. soon i’ll be extremely poor but, happily, unassaulted by lynx deodorant and bad jokes. woot!

  109. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Well you would, Piqued, for reasons already mentioned. I’m not judging you.

  110. piqued Says:

    One is only gay if one pushes back

  111. Mel Says:

    Breeks, well done, that is great news.

    Banana bread is the queen of wrong though.

  112. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I thought it was if the balls touch?

  113. breeks Says:

    banana bread is aces. you could make it, sans banana tosuit your sensitive palate, with apricots and other fun fruits instead.

    it’s basically bready cake and you cut it and toast it and slather it in butter and eat with pots of coffee and tea. it’s proper.

  114. Mel Says:

    Oh, i make that and call it fruit loaf. Not with bananas though…

  115. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’ve had banana cake before, Breeks. I wouldn’t toast it though, the stuff I had was as moist as Bianca Gascoignes knicker basket.

  116. breeks Says:

    ah, well, warm it up between your meaty thighs instead.

  117. Mel Says:

    *pukes and pukes and pukes and pukes*
    really, this is no time of day to be thinking about warming bread on someone’s thigh.

    Does anyone here know how to make Malt Loaf?

  118. myopiniononstuff Says:

    No, Mel, but I can do a mean ringed yeast cake.

  119. piqued Says:

    ‘ringed yeast cake’

    Isn’t that some sort of STD discharge?

  120. ugeine Says:

    *spits out sandwich*

    Stuart Lee is preacherman.

  121. ugeine Says:




  122. Swineshead Says:

    How did I miss Dave’s brilliant deconstruction of Stewart Lee’s material up there?

    I should give him a job on this site (cleaning out the bins and wiping the toilets).

  123. myopiniononstuff Says:

    It’s enough to make Tim Berners-Lee weep and Thomas Crapper rejoice, Swineshead. At least one thing’ll be given a service on WWM.

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