Archive for April 2nd, 2009

The Apprentice Lookalike Fun – Week 2

April 2, 2009

By Dave, who doesn’t have a login.

rocky apprentice 2009

That’s right, “this year’s youngest candidate and sandwich business owner” Rocky looks like “that yellow bastard” Junior Roarke (from Sin City).

And nobody will convince me otherwise.


Just a Thought: Who Will Win The Apprentice?

April 2, 2009

Week 2

Hint: It's definitely NOT this one

Hint: It's definitely NOT this one

We’ve all seen episode two then, and there are already some interesting developments. Let’s take a look at how you lot were thinking last week so we can compare, contrast, ridicule and roll our collective eyes.

WWM firebrand’s immediate choice for the win, based on the fact that he disagrees with my assertion that he looks like Spender. Napoleon ignored all explanations as to why Phil was hopeless in week one and sticks with his tip. Mel ‘fears’ Phil will win – whether that’s a solid backing of the miserable sod is to be confirmed. Another supporter of Phillip is fourstar – usually a rational man but here showing that he’s veering over to the side of the weird.

Picked by Ugeine who admitted he picked a name out at random. Noorul was picked out by Nick for special criticism in the boardroom when he chillingly mentioned that he ‘made it his business to follow’ him. Scary words from the mole-eyed observer there – making for an ominous outlook for Ugeine’s pick. Nick of the T also picked Noorul for some reasoning based on The Number One Womens’ Detective Agency which I didn’t understand.

Both Lord Milky and the living liability myopiniononstuff (aka Dave) opted for Debra without really giving any reason for their selection. Debra did nothing this week, or at least was barely filmed, meaning that the Producers have dampened her early fireworks ready for a dry out and combustion later on in the series. ‘Debra’s a cow’ Clarry added, helpfully.

Sue De Nymh‘s suggestion was that Kate ‘the bellini’ Walsh has the golden ticket, even though all we’ve seen from her so far is wonky-mouthed flirting and idiocy.

Offensive Mango went for the fiery redhead with the crazy accent, simply ‘because her name is Paula Jones’. I’m not sure that’s how it works.

Your host Swines is going for voluptuous elf, Yasmina – because she’s mad bossy, snappy and has a sense of humour. Badger, Claire last year – it’s clearly time one of these strong-women types won.


Oh dear! Who backed Rocky – and must now be regretting it. Do we give her another chance? Is Who allowed to pick another contender or is she out of the game, going home in a black cab, getting her hair done for the Adrian Chiles show?

Doesn’t count!

Amusing as it may be, suggesting the management is neither big nor clever. Who was it that played silly buggers and said Alan, Nick or Margaret should win?

Breeks – that’s who. And even worse, Telemachus went for the bloke in the shopping centre who berated Howard in week one – an individual who will clearly be long-forgotten by about week four. Like Rocky and Anita will be forgotten. Business is business.


Who’s not been picked yet? And why?

  • Ben
  • Howard
  • James
  • Kimberly
  • Lorraine
  • Majid
  • Mona

Your thoughts please…

The Apprentice 2009 – Episode 2

April 2, 2009

yasmina apprentice 2009

Both boys (EMPIRE!) and girls (IGNITE!) were worryingly self-assured going into last night’s challenge.

‘We’ve got a strong bond’, said Phillip – a notion he set out to thoroughly disprove, almost immediately, his input last night just a monotonous cascade of complaints.

‘We’ll come out fighting’ said the New York City rough, tough, sugar puff, Kimberly – at this point unaware that all the fight and spunk would be coming from Yasmina – a one-woman whirlwind of aggressive determination and violent optimism.

After the opening scenes – if yer bottle it, don’t even bovver in the bladdy boardroom – Sugar did the traditional ‘surprise ’em at home’ routine, looking like a frail bailiff surprising a telesales team on a company-paid jolly. Giving it ‘all that’, he told them about this week’s sandwich and canapé-making task, breaking out the first (and hopefully last) credit-crunch related blooper of this series when he punned that people in the City are hungry for business. Which they’re patently not, at present. They’re too busy talking guiltily to corporate recovery businesses and insolvency agencies. Working up even the slightest appetite for new business is currently beyond them.

The plan was for two separate operations – a lunch delivery whilst their market worked and, later, an evening of catering to the sandwich and snack-needs of a load of suits. Masterchef then – but with the added excitement of it being quite unlikely  that any of this lot could cook.

As it turned out, both Rocky and Yasmina had experience of catering and put themselves up for leadership immediately. But then, I suppose you’d have to. If the task was ‘taking incoherent notes whilst watching The Apprentice’, I’d probably be well up for being Team Leader. I’ve got extensive experience of biros, I’m well-versed in the best kind of notebooks available on the market and I’ve had previous exposure to television sets, so really it’d be perfect for me. And if it doesn’t work out, give me another chance and I’ll prove to you I can do it, Sir Alan.

Looking at the girls first, Yasmina started her campaign with her arms around her charges – going for the tactile, approachable boss line. This dissolved immediately when someone dared to ask permission to speak, and from that point on she was a demanding titan of dictatorship – barking her charges into making the crappest corporate bites you could possibly imagine. Until you saw the boys’ efforts.

Yasmina took a very economical approach to ingredients, obsessing over the cheap nature of flatbreads and brainstorming the best way to buy the least expensive ingredients – from frozen chicken breasts to ‘really budget, low value tuna’. Yum yum!

Kate’s pitch for a contract was a marvel. Never before has a woman with so little knowledge of mediterranean nibbles tried to sell mediterranean nibbles.

‘I’ve heard of Bellinis…’

‘I’m not the chef, you know?’

‘Cold bruschetta – always a… favourite?’

Still – they got the job on the basis that money would be subtracted when they inevitably fluffed it. And when they dished up chicken-less chicken wraps, hairy salads and plates stuffed only with delicious lettuce, it was sure they’d get their wages docked. One bellini was described as ‘a greasy ice cream cone’. Even the girls’ own Paula described their output as like the catering for ‘a funeral at a working mens’ club’. Yasmina’s style – the efficient creation of utter rubbish – seemed to shock Margaret into submission and she spent most of the task with her head in her hands or taking backchat from the boss-girl.

But, unbelievably, the boys were worse. Phillip’s hopeless negotiations – dropping from a ridiculous £60 per head to £15 after Howard ballsed up his research – made him look idiotic from square one and, pride wounded, he decided the best course of action was to moan like a condemned man who could only escape his fate if he moaned his moaning way out of it through the medium of moaning.

As Team Leader, Rocky decided the best approach to a catering task was to play dress up, showing his tender age. The rest of the task had the boys dressed as boxers, sprinters and in togas which only added to the embarrassment of the appalling ‘pan-continental’ food they served. Dry peanut butter sandwiches for the Americas,  a cheese ploughmans on a stick and a chicken tikka volauvent.

‘That is a poisonous thing that should never have been made’ came the feedback of one astute consumer. The 2012 Olympic theme was a bit of a mistake then.

Rocky’s major error was in guess-timating how many sarnies he’d have to knock up, pulling a figure from the blue-sky and ruining his company’s finances in the process. The costumes, terrible menu and inter-team bickering didn’t help, and obviously the boys lost.

Into the boardroom, and the girls were sent off to play with horses upon hearing of their win and they morphed into 12 year old girls in front of our eyes, all giddy and squealing and pegging it to the paddock.

In the cafe, Rocky set out his stall, charmingly calling Howard a ‘dickhead’. He took the former dancer and James – the one who looks like former Big Brother contestant Eugene – into the firing line with him. James’ line about how the choice had hurt him as much as the feeling he got when his cat died will forever stay with me as a wonderful execution of language in describing the bitter grief of betrayal. Tangible hurt. Very much a real sense of loss.

After a largely scripted Sugar breakdown of events, James took it upon himself to break down. His constant interruption and doddering non-speak can’t have done him any favours, and when considered in addition to the bunkum in his CV – ‘I can taste success in my spit when I wake up in the morning’ – he was begging to be booted. But he wasn’t. It was a shocker, but Rocky was ejected – and weirdly it seemed fair.

Though it looks like she’s got it wrapped up, Yasmina’s storming start can only be a hindrance later. She’s so far ahead at this point that any wobble will be considered collapse in the mid or latter stages. But the simple sight of her wobbling will be worth it, right guys?



* * * * *

Episode 1

Last series.