Just a Thought: Death of Danielle

by

Finally, the soap storyline that seemed to have been limping along for several years  is finally over. Danielle finally popped her clogs last Thursday and that interminable mess of an Eastenders plotline drew its final breath after an almightly, squealing whimper – wafting from the squealing lips of Ronnie Mitchell.

Danielle arrived in the Square back in the 1930s, and since that day we, the viewership, have been left bewildered by the pointlessness of the writers’ insistence on drawing her story out for decades. We ground our teeth to splintered nubs through completely arbitrary occurrences, watched as Danielle’s character was put through the mill for no reason whatsoever and, ultimately, watched her die (in an eerily familiar death scenario) on Thursday with the story unfulfilled and women screaming in the street.

The BBC have received complaints – many of them asking for Danielle to return to the Square (as a zombie, one presumes) – so I’d like to add to the list of complainants with this post.

The heavy handed treatment of the paedophile plotline lasted about three weeks, whilst the tedious comings and goings of what would usually be a minor character dominated every episode, and I’m a little bit miffed.

Can we go back to tattoos on Adam Woodyatt’s arse and Minty trying to get it on with Josie Lawrence as soon as possible, please?

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129 Responses to “Just a Thought: Death of Danielle”

  1. Clarry Says:

    I can’t watch anymore in case Josie Lawrence falls into my eyes.

  2. Napoleon Says:

    I was staggered she ended up dead. All that guff working up to Ronnie finding out, and she’s dead? Is that it? No getting to know her, no teaming up to get back at Archie? No … well … not nothing. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?

    And Archie’s Machiavellian schemes are working out well, aren’t they? Whatever they are, like.

  3. Nick of the T Says:

    I wonder how many ‘enders have died in a road accident.

    (doesn’t)

    I actually saw this with my eyes. Totally unbelievable, three women, a “disaster” and they (the wimmin) all apart and not crowding around the injured party sobbing. The driver “Jannine” (?) just standing open mouthed probably wondering how she hadn’t seen her victim although she had been standing in the middle of a well lit street for about 30 seconds.

    Shame there’s no TV burp this week, Harry would have had a field day….

  4. Nick of the T Says:

    Larry (the) Lamb, crazy name-crazy guy.

    Hey Nap..

  5. breeks Says:

    gawd.

    one day WWM will review or comment on a show i (i) watch and/or (ii) like.

    i have a dream.

  6. Jo Says:

    This was such a fucking joke… Apart from being secretly glad that Danielle’s snivelling, wide eyed, permanently wired act, straight from one of the ‘Ask Frank’ adverts won’t grace my screen any more…I was annoyed they killed her off. Actually annoyed. So annoyed I googled “Is Danielle actually dead??” as soon as the credits rolled.

    Hit by a car as well. Maybe they used the same stunt team as the Max Branning hit and run storyline.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Never fear. Once Piqued gets over his prostate cancer, WWM will be awash with reviews for inane cookery and home improvement shows, no doubt.

  8. breeks Says:

    naps: thanks be to the gods for that.

    on friday night i accidentally took day nurse instead of solpadeine and spent the night wide-eyed and large of pupil, failing to sleep any kind of wink. i lay on the sofa (leaving mr breeks upstairs in peaceful slumber) and listened to the Hamster run the wheel till the dawn.

    rock.

  9. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I dreamt last night I got sacked. On the way home I saw my beloved dog on the street, chased it and watched it get run over by a fucking car.

    EastEnders had nothing on that.

  10. Clarry Says:

    I thought we’d established that it’s your parents dog Dave?

  11. ugeine Says:

    Serves you right for watching that tripe.

    It’s like eating a shit sandwich and then complaining because you have a brown tongue.

  12. breeks Says:

    hi clarry!

    (i feel i really KNOW you)

    (like KNOW YOU)

    (and stuff)

  13. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I know but a new technicality has arisen, Clarry. Since I’m such a tosspot, I’m now living in my parents house whilst looking for any kind of menial employment. Therefor I believe there’s certain room for the argument that the dog is at least one third mine.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry’s right, Dave. That’s not your dog.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    It’s definitely not Dave’s dog, that dog. It’s his parents. Well done for bringing that up, Clarry – he might’ve got away with his falsehood otherwise, the little liar.

  16. breeks Says:

    i love dogs.

    i want a puppy.

  17. Who Says:

    I saw a bit of that Danielle bawling and screaming – she has a very odd mouth, not unlike Daffy Duck. I couldn’t take her at all seriously after that.

  18. Clarry Says:

    Hi Breeks! *waves enthusiastically*

    How’s things?

    I lost at Pathwords btw. Boo.

    So Dave, in your dream you were sacked from an imaginary job and were chasing your parents’ dog.

  19. ugeine Says:

    I call my dog my dog even though it belongs to my parents.

    Fuck em all, Dave, don’t let some ponce down in London define your relationship with your dog.

    (not like that)

  20. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Yes, Clarry. But the dog is my dog.

  21. Napoleon Says:

    If Dave lands that coveted job using his fingers to fish out excrement from the filters at the sewerage works and, therefore, can move out again for a bit, will he be taking his faithful companion with him? I doubt it. He’ll only be with it again when he’s fired from the treatment plant when they discover he’s been downloading child pornography from the office computer and has to go back to his mum’s house in disgrace (again).

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Also want a puppy/dog.
    I’d be quite happy to bypass the puppy stage, in fact.

  23. Clarry Says:

    No it’s your parents’ dog.

  24. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I thought Dave had said he got a job at his local council. I wished him good luck too!

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Ugiene – That’s not your dog. My parents had a dog when I was living with ’em, but that didn’t make it my dog. When I moved out and got a dog that I looked after, that was my dog.

    THAT’S NOT YOUR DOG.

  26. myopiniononstuff Says:

    They’re bullies, Ugeine. They use wisdom drawn from their extra years on this planet in addition to their superior minds to attack ANYTHING I may hold as dear.

  27. breeks Says:

    we have some kittens going free through work here. one looks like the sheba cat, apparently.

    so not a dog, but kind of the same in the 4-legged sense.

  28. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I decided not to take it DINLT because I want a job in the city (not Scotland). But I did appreciate your support.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – They shit everywhere. And they chew on everything. Why not get a rescue dog instead? They’re usually older and slightly less deranged than wot a puppy is.

    Plus, I have it on good authority from a drunk man in a pub that they beat rescue dogs to death with a hammer if nobody wants ’em after twenty eight days.

  30. piqued Says:

    Afternoon. I’m at home being sick all poo out of my botty

  31. Napoleon Says:

    “I decided not to take it DINLT because I want a job in the city (not Scotland).”

    What’s that phrase? Beggars can’t be … beggars … it’s definitely got something to do with beggars …

  32. breeks Says:

    piqued – get thee to an enema and take back control.

  33. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I perfectly understand your point, Napoleon, but would argue that I should be looking at the longterm. Working in a small Scotch town would be hellish to me, what with the lack of normal people and nightclubs and Cromas.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    I had one o’ them last week. I don’t know how porno starlets put up with it, frankly …

    *remembers what they do put up with*

    Ignore that.

  35. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: I don’t care what some piece of paper says, I look into my dog’s eyes, see his soul, and know he’s my dog.

    Also, If I rub peanut butter on my balls he licks it off, which must count for something.

  36. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Wannabe dog owners. You should only have a dog if you can walk it every day and also not leave on it’s own too much. If these criteria are met then get a greyhound.

  37. piqued Says:

    Or if you’re Korean

  38. ugeine Says:

    Or if you’re single and have a tub of peanut butter at the back of your cupboard.

  39. Clarry Says:

    We’re not bullies Dave we are the purveyors of truth.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – Greyhounds are timid little buggers. You need a dog you can wrestle. Get an Irish Setter or a Springer Spaniel.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Dog-wrestling?
    Please elaborate.

  42. breeks Says:

    what’s the smallest size telly i should get?

  43. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Greyhounds are great. Though my local newsagent has a picture of 4 puppy Jack Russells for sale, (180 quid a go I might add) which get me thinking. However after 5 minutes, I realise it is not viable to have a dog.
    Most intelligent dogs I have ever known are German Shepherds. Knew a male and female from puppies and they were so soppy with people they knew.

  44. piqued Says:

    That’s a lot for a picture of dogs, Dave. Bung us a pony and I’ll knock someting up for you

  45. Napoleon Says:

    Dog-wrestling: If a dog’s a proper dog, it likes a bit of a tustle, Swineshead. You can get the buggers in headlocks and all sorts. I wouldn’t try it with angry dogs, or paranoid dogs, or those piece o’ shit poodle things, but proper dogs like your Labradors, Setters, the bigger Spaniel breeds and what not like a good scrap.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Wouldn’t pay a bean for a dog. You can get ’em for free at the dog shelter.

  47. breeks Says:

    those dog shelters check up on the people who want dogs, innit.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    So? If you can’t pass some rudimentary RSPCA check, you perhaps shouldn’t have a dog in the first place.

  49. breeks Says:

    that is a fine argument were the check rudimentary.

  50. myopiniononstuff Says:

    The ones from RSPCA kennels are all fucked up either physically or mentally though. We bought as lovely cross that did nothing but shiver in the corner of the room or bite the face off the other dogs.

  51. breeks Says:

    awww. http://www.battersea.org.uk/dogs/new_dogs_gallery/index.html

  52. piqued Says:

    Dave, that’s twaddle

  53. Napoleon Says:

    The one my parents had (take note of that, Dave) came from the Blue Cross and had a smashing personality. And he looked like the dog off of Fraggle Rock. And was free. Paying for a dog, I ask you …

  54. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued’s right.

    How’s them shits doing?

  55. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Why is it twaddle when it actually happened? The poor blighter had been kicked to near death by a gang of teenagers and couldn’t trust another living thing again.

  56. Clarry Says:

    i can’t comment

  57. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s a choice between,
    http://www.battersea.org.uk/dogs/alfie_1.html
    or
    http://www.battersea.org.uk/dogs/chica.html

  58. piqued Says:

    Yes, better now thanks Nappers. Just a question of clearing out the plumbing -how are you in that department by the way?

  59. piqued Says:

    For god’s sake Dave, how the fuck would I know what you dog did, didn’t do? I was referring to your ridiculous generalisation about ALL RSPCA being fucked up physically and mentally, and I should imagine NC was doing the same thing

  60. breeks Says:

    alfie = mine. step away.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Full of painkillers and anti-shitting drugs, Piqued. I’m a bit gassy, if I’m honest, but still chuffed that I’ve replaced one hideous bowel complaint with one that’s not so hideous.

    I was reading a thing t’other day where T.S. Eliot had sent a rejection letter to George Orwell regarding Animal Farm (he must have been working for a publisher at the time). Eliot suggested Orwell make the pigs in the book ‘a bit more public-spirited’. Loved that idea.

  62. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Faber and Faber Nap.

  63. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I don’t give a damn. I’ve seen five kennel dogs brought into my parents home and TWO of them were all fucked up in the head.

  64. piqued Says:

    Good to hear you’re on the mend… I read that too, twas in The Gurdian last week

    Dave, by your own admission they ALL weren’t fucked up then… (this is a total waste of time)

  65. breeks Says:

    didn’t your parent’s learn the first time dave? are they a bit, you know, touched?

  66. breeks Says:

    shit. sorry about apostrophe error there. damnit.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    It was in The Independent or The Times. If it was in The Guardian too, does that mean the credit crunch is making all the papers run the same stuff? Damn this credit crunch, that merciless swine.

  68. Swineshead Says:

    Lot of Staffies on the RSPCA list there – wonder why that might be…

    *looks out onto Clapton street at pig-ignorant arseholes walking untrained staffies*

    Ah.

  69. breeks Says:

    poor staffys. poor, poor staffies.

    we have a rescue staffie back home in perth. she’s an idiot but lovely.

  70. Swineshead Says:

    I quite like them, as a breed. They’ve been misappropriated you can’t help but feel. I bet it tears their hearts out, the fact their entire breed’s been misappropriated. I bet they sometimes pause, whilst licking their teats or bollocks, have a little think about misappropriation, then tuck their heads right under their own tails so they can scratch their arses with their nose.

  71. breeks Says:

    i think you credit them with a little too much book learning. one of the endearing things about staffys is the way their muscular strength is in no way proportionate to their brain function.

  72. Swineshead Says:

    I bet I could beat a staffie in an arm wrestle.

    They haven’t got arms, for a start. They also wouldn’t understand the countdown.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    They kick the bucket too early, same as German Shepherds.

    I don’t know if they understand Countdown.

  74. piqued Says:

    I had an arm wrestle with a stiffie earlier, does that count?

  75. breeks Says:

    my friend had his arm broken 4 weeks ago during an arm wrestle. he’s now plated and screwed and not so metal-detector friendly.

  76. Swineshead Says:

    Was he wrestling Brundle-fly?

  77. breeks Says:

    um.

    no?

  78. Swineshead Says:

    Film reference. Jeff Brundle. The Fly. Snaps a man’s arm whilst arm wrestling. Owch.

    *pukes on lunch*

  79. breeks Says:

    oh. sorry.

    i watched someone’s arm get broken arm wrestling on that bachelorette show thingy where the geeks VS the strong (dumb) ones. that was also sick-making. great show, though.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    The best arm-wrestling / arm-breaking scene is in Over The Top starring Stallone. That’s an ace film. Much acer than the piffle you lot down in London pretend you like so other people think you’re all clever.

  81. piqued Says:

    There’s loads of them on youtube

    *goes on youtube*

    *comes back white as a sheet*

  82. breeks Says:

    i have been trawling extreme body modification websites.

    they’re aces.

  83. Mel Says:

    why breeks? and what is the most extreme modification? description, not linkage please.

  84. breeks Says:

    i don’t know why, except i got a bit interested in the people’s motivations or compulsions.

    most extreme is when men cut off their wangers and balls and make a fake ‘giney, or have nothing altogether. or split their cock in two. or cut it down halfway. cock-themed modifications, basically.

    also eye tattooing and eyeball jewellery and corset piercings and scarification and a few others. i’m well informed, me.

  85. piqued Says:

    Have you been on bmezine Bree, it’s my favourite.

    Mel, self amputation.

  86. Mel Says:

    Oh, and anpother question, i have a German Shephard, which i bought and trained and brought up. He currently resides at my parents because he was being treated for a complex medical thing, and i wanted continuity of care for him. I still pay for the dog’s food and vets bills and insurance, and pay my dad a bit of money for the house as board. Whose is that dog then?

  87. breeks Says:

    piqued – yes. it’s my new home.

  88. Mel Says:

    OK, so not as the first step in permanently modifying yourself in an extreme way then, breeks?

  89. breeks Says:

    mel – not so much. mr breeks isn’t so keen, tho the corset piercings look interesting. and not too permanent. i’d never cut my cock in half, though. be a bit difficult, and a bit pointless. i’d have to go to all the trouble of getting a cock and then cut it in half. it’s nonsense.

  90. Mel Says:

    hehe. I have another questions (yes, i am all about the questions today). What is corset peircing? Again, description, not linkys please

  91. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    It’s your dog Mel obviously.

    The Wire is pretty good, have been getting up to date on it.

  92. breeks Says:

    imagine down your back on either side of your spine is a row of sleeper-like earrings, and then through those you thread a ribbon and it gives appearance of and, if you tighten enough, constricting shape of, a corset.

    safe for work, those images i’d say. google it.

  93. piqued Says:

    I’ve though about modifying myself, put flames all up the sides of my balls and a spoiler over my old lad. I could pimp up my arse-end with a huge sub woofer. Yoosh

  94. breeks Says:

    you could, piqued, but could you take the pain? yeah?

  95. Mel Says:

    Piqued, i thoought your arse end was being a sub woofer all on its own today…

    Thanks Breeks. I am not so sure about the corset piercing.

  96. piqued Says:

    You betca Bree, I’m a rootin tootin street cruiser y’all

  97. breeks Says:

    would it affect your pension?

  98. piqued Says:

    It was earlier, Mel. I’m all evacuated out now you’ll pleased to hear

  99. piqued Says:

    I think you’ll find it’s pennshon

  100. breeks Says:

    is that the same as a penchan(t)?

  101. Mel Says:

    One more question (well, i am not guaranteeing it will be the last): if you could modify your body in any way, whether permanently or temporarliy, what would you choose (and let us for the sake of argument agree that you can have either man bits or lady bits for the purposes of this investigation)?

  102. breeks Says:

    well, i don’t think i want to.

    i already have pierced ears and an ongoing desire, but wimpishly avoided to date, for a small tattoo.

    the corset thing is interesting to me, though. and whilst the compulsion the men who cut off nuts/love batons or at the minimum slice and dice them is fascinating, can’t think of any reason i’d be up for the same in their (gender) position.

  103. Mel Says:

    Yes, i think that kind of thing is back at the mental health discussion we were having the other day. Although not about criminals, obviously. Unless the willy cutter in question is a criminal too, but that would simply be coincidence.

    I think i am a bit lazy for all this kind of thing. I had my ears pierced when i was young, then took up Tae kwon do, and was competing. You were not allowed to train with jewellery, so i took them out and could not be arsed to put them back in again. I have had no deliberate modifications to my body

  104. Mel Says:

    …since that time

  105. breeks Says:

    it is, i suppose and arguably, somewhat similar to those plastic surgery addicts.

    difference with extreme body modifications is they are rarely, if ever, carried out by medical professionals and often are done by the people themselves – tongue and genital bifurcation in particular. scarification and tattooing and piercing all by specialists but from what i can see the extreme world is a bit different and more underground.

  106. Mel Says:

    And according to wiki is more often associated with the BDSM scene.

    More power to their elbows i say.

    I suppose you could meet this halfway, and get your belly button pierced, then get someone to make you a ring depicting a bifurcated cock.

  107. breeks Says:

    i could, but i probably won’t.

    belly rings are Not My Thing. meh…

  108. Mel Says:

    Not mine either, if i am honest

  109. Nick of the T Says:

    Not a dog person.
    They are not clever, as some suggest. (see “fetch the stick , boy” )
    Also, the mere thought of picking up its shit in a plastic bag makes me is enough to put me off for life.
    Cats, what’s not to like?

  110. Nick of the T Says:

    Grammar eh?

  111. Excelsior! Says:

    *Comes back late*

    YOUR MY MUUUUVVVVVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

    *gasps*

  112. ugeine Says:

    Cats are horrible bastards. They don’t actually care about you. If you leave a dog alone for ten minutes, he’s all excited when you come back as dogs don’t actually know if you’re ever coming back when you leave the room.

  113. Mel Says:

    plus cats make my face swell, and stuff. Rubbish

  114. ugeine Says:

    That’s all you need to know. It’s official: Cats are massive gaylords.

  115. Napoleon Says:

    “Cats, what’s not to like?”

    Emotionless, pointless torturers covered in their own spit? I’d gas the lot of ’em just so the wildlife could have a chance to recover.

    And dogs are clever. You’d know that if you weren’t in thrall to a brainless killing machine who couldn’t care if you were torn in half in front of its evil little eyes.

  116. Mel Says:

    And what do you do about the ineivitable cat shit in the borders Nick?

  117. Swineshead Says:

    I like cats – Napoleon doesn’t because he don’t understand ’em. They’re complex characters. I like dogs and cats equally, but…

    …we’ve had this conversation before.

    I’m watching Russell Brand in RE:Brand – the one where he romances an old lady. So far it’s ridiculously touching. I feared it might be horrible and exploitative but no, it’s just ruddy lovely.

  118. Mel Says:

    where can one find that on the internets please? thank you very much.

  119. Swineshead Says:

    http://www.freewebs.com/russellbranddownloads/rebrand.htm

    It’s about to get a bit weirder.

  120. Nick of the T Says:

    Ask a dog directions to the nearest post office. The won’t have a fucking clue, they’ll be to busy licking their balls or eating their own shit.

    Cat’s are rugby, dogs are fooball.

  121. Nick of the T Says:

    My house is full of old plaster, dust and horse hair. Will be for the rest of the week. So much for my holiday.

  122. Swineshead Says:

    They’re completely different beasts. As a result of their wildly different foibles, different types of people like them.

    Dogs also cover themselves in their own spit, Napoleon – neither creature has any concept of how to run a bath, you see?

    Cats are capable of cracking the Countdown conundrum, mind you. They just can’t be arsed. They prefer to run at windows as if they’re not there, smashing their small feline heads into the reinforced glass then looking glumly at it, as though the universe has plotted against them with transparent punishment.

  123. Mel Says:

    Thanks SH, much appreciated.

    I see that Nick is much less grossed out at having to remove cat shit from borders than he is about having to pick up dog shit in a plastic bag…

  124. Napoleon Says:

    There’s nothing complex about a cat. Catch something, torture it, kill it, eat half of it, leave its innards all over the shop, repeat. That’s about as complex as a wind-up toy. Complex, indeed. Gas ’em, I say.

  125. Nick of the T Says:

    My cat has the good sense to bury it’s shit in next doors garden….

  126. Napoleon Says:

    It sounds like it needs gassin’, Nick. Anyway … what do you mean ‘my cat’? I thought you were a man?

  127. Swineshead Says:

    It might be ‘his parent’s cat’ and he may have fallen into that complex medical syndrome: Dave Disorder.

  128. Swineshead Says:

    By my reckoning, that clock on each post is an hour early – all the same, 7.25 is very early in the morning ain’t it? How come you’re up and typing, Nappers?

    New lease of life?

  129. Napoleon Says:

    Working, Swineshead. My bout in hospital has set me back a bit.

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