Just a Thought: Waking Up With Feltz


vanessa feltz BBC Breakfast

Those of you who live in London and are able to watch television at around 8.27am may be aware of a phenomenon that destroys my sunny disposition, without fail, every weekday morning.

Vanessa Feltz may get good ratings from the demented Daily Mail readers who tune in to her Radio London broadcast, but do the BBC really have to advertise that it’s coming on during the local news portion of BBC Breakfast?

The disturbed termagant DESTROYS my day!

I’ll be sitting there, wolfing down my marmitey toast as Riz Lateef rattles off the day’s events, supping a caffeinated beverage whilst Dani Sinha grins her way through yesterday’s occurences when, as if to deliberately startle me, the vision of Feltz’s neurotic moon-face suddenly pops onto the screen like a vision from Hades.

Like an awful premonition of doom.

Like a reminder of the very real possibility that, upon leaving my dwelling, I could be faced with any number of horrific personalities only yards from my door.

BBC: I command you! Stop soiling the cosy friendliness of your morning output with the hideous, warbling caw of this shrewish BASTARD!

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166 Responses to “Just a Thought: Waking Up With Feltz”

  1. vones Says:

    I am in total agreement. I like BBC in the morning, but when here weird face appears, I HAVE to switch channel. She makes me feel a bit ill.

  2. Interceptor Says:

    I went to a (admiteddly, crap) party a little while ago, and while there had the misfortune to bump into a shouty, slightly boorish ciyboy (who actually wears red braces at work-I have proof!) who informed me that he had, somewhere in the murky past, actually slept with Ms.Feltz. Somewhere out there, is someone who quite literally wakes up with Vanessa. Count your blessings my friend-count them HARD!

  3. Napoleon Says:

    We don’t get this advert up here in the frozen wastes of the North. Instead, we get ads for a programme about sliding down a hill in a tin bath that follows BBC Breakfast every day.

    *slides down hill in tin bath*

  4. Swineshead Says:

    You get Last of the Summer Wine in the morning??

    You lucky sod.

  5. breeks Says:

    feltz sounds like feltch.


  6. Just a Thought: Waking Up With Feltz Says:

    […] Original post by Watch With Mothers […]

  7. Napoleon Says:

    In the north, we get LOTSW three times a day. It’s like being in paradise, I tells you.

    *pulls bath back up hill*
    *slides down it again*


  8. Mel Says:

    Funnily enough Nappers, i really can imagine you rocking the scruffy look with a bobble hat.

    I had to explain the Flumps to my BF the other day. That was quite entertaining.

  9. ugeine Says:

    I had to stop watching Breakfast news on the Beeb because of that wooden ventriloquists dummy they had on the news desk.

  10. Mel Says:

    Ug, that could describe any number of newsreaders. And Lord Charles, obviously.

  11. Interceptor Says:

    Personally I’ve always thought that George Alighiah had more than a hint of Nooky Bear about him.

  12. breeks Says:

    well, if we’re speaking of newsy people my neighbour rageh omaar has been quite busy of late having the stained glass in his front door repaired and also looking after the daughter with the broken foot.

    his wife looks tired.

  13. Mel Says:

    Perhaps she hhas been run Rageh, breeks?


  14. Nick of the T Says:

    Can’t stand that angry woman. She’s always “angry”…..

  15. breeks Says:

    mel – maybe. likely. shall i ask her?

  16. Mel Says:

    Yes, go on Breeks. Now i really must know…

  17. breeks Says:

    she has a lot of children (well, at least 3) and a volvo station wagon.

  18. Dave Says:

    I find it amusing that her husband used to perform as part of cool DJ outfit ‘Phats & Small’.

    Because she’s fat and he’s small.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Now Phats what I Small music.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Is Mark Goodyear still cool? Was he ever cool?

    *raises ear-trumpet in anticipation of response*

  21. Dave Says:

    Saying that, before her Celeb Wifeswap wuith Paul Daniels, I always assumed she was married to KERMIT THE FROG!

  22. Mel Says:

    It’s OK to like him Nappers, as long as you do it with an ironic air of nostalgia.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    I never did like him, Mel. I didn’t like anyone off of Radio 1 who was any younger than Simon Bates. To this day I still see Simon Mayo as an upstart young whippersnapper.

  24. Mel Says:

    Now then, you and i are very similar in age, and Simon Mayo was on the breakfast show at the time when i got a little clock radio, so quite early on in my youth.

    Were you a young fogey nappers?

    But, Mark Goodyer was quite bad, except when he did the charts.

  25. piqued Says:

    I still miss John Peel.

    I can do an impression of John Peel…

    ‘Juhn Pee-all’

    ‘Juhn Pee-all’

    There you go.

  26. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    After the controlled and well presented content on radio 4, all other radio stations do seem to be presented by hyperactive idiots.
    I do listen to Talksport however.

  27. Mel Says:

    Piqued, i saw him at the Big Chill the summer before he died. He rocked the place, and was playing better drum and bass than could be heard in the dance tent.

    I miss him too.


  28. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Required listening on radio 1 in my youth was “the rhythm pals” David “Kid” Jenson and John Peel afterwards.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    He turned up in 1986, Mel. As far as I’m concerned, that makes him a whippersnapper. They should never have got rid of Noel Edmonds.

    Never saw what John Peel was for, personally.

  30. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    These days if I do have to listen to the radio for music, it is XFM.

  31. breeks Says:

    i never knew john peel, radio-ally speaking, but i’ve read his biog and love him posthumously.

  32. Mel Says:

    DINLT – careful, you’ll get swines back advertising spotify again soon.

    Nappers, in 1986, WE WERE 11. You really were a young fogey. *shakes head*

  33. Who Says:

    LOTSW is on all the time on G.O.L.D, hours and hours and hours of it. This morning, I watched Compo being Captain Zero, the human canonball. Bloody hysterical, it was.

    *weeps hot tears of despair*

  34. piqued Says:

    I stood by him when I first went to Glastonbury. He was eating sweet and sour chinese and saying ‘Juhn Pee-all.’

    Despite his excellent radio shows in which he heralded the most fantastic bands, Home Truths, his show on Radio 4 was sublime. It was like slumping into a friendly pillow.

  35. Dave Says:

    What year would that be, Piqued?

  36. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Actually I need a spotify token. Had it installed and working nicely, but then PC packed up. Reformatted disk and reloaded stuff, but spotify does not let me get anywhere. I have a user name and password but cannot even load the login page.

  37. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – So? Better that than being a trendy go-getter like all you Simon Mayo fans out there. With your Global Hypercolor t-shirts and your jazzy, saxophone-wielding plastic plants wot gyrated when they heard music.

    I fucking hated the 80s.

  38. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Actually I never enjoyed Home Truths, and indeed that 9.00 am slot is always awful. Better to have a hangover and wake up late.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    Home Truths was shit. Letters from bumbling middle-Englanders read out by an old man who sounded like he was nodding off. Bloody rubbish.

  40. Mel Says:

    Yes, I am absolute agreement about the 80s, although i will admit to having a global hypercolour t-shirt.

    It amazes me that fashion designers are bringing back the 80s look. It was shit then, and it is still shit now.

    Bat wing jumpers, and jump suits – i ask you!

  41. piqued Says:

    Yes, spot on Nappers. I used to love it, real slippers and tea radio

  42. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    My formative years were in the eighties and my clothing style has never really changed from then. I am back in fashion …Really!

  43. breeks Says:

    breeks circa 1988 (front, centre, striped and ray banned).

  44. Dave Says:

    Bloddy hell. Your eighties is my nineties.

    Was anybody on here crawling around carpets and shitting themselves in the era of Rubik’s Cubes, Teenage Turtles and Thatcherism? I was. I was 23.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    They’re bringing back the ’80s because there was only one way to go, and that was keep on pushing forwards. They’ve already brought back the ’60s and ’70s, so the ’80s was the next logical step along the line. Next they’ll bring back the ’90s, but seeing as that saw a revival of the ’70s, they’ll in fact be bringing back the ’70s again. After that, we’ll have another revival of the ’80s (in the ’10s, aping the ’00s), which’ll lead to a revival of the ’90s, which was the ’70s. Then we’ll be back in the ’80s again, with nowhere to go but the ’80s (the ’00s), which will inevitably lead to a revival of the ’90s (the ’70s). From there? Why, the ’00s, of course. Which was the ’80s, which in turn leads to the ’90s, which was the ’70s, which leads to the …

    *head explodes*

  46. Mel Says:

    Breeks, never mind the raybans, i am LOVING your friends pastel blue and pink checked top.

    Dave – you are wrong, the 90s was the time of the Baggies, and was all about the jeans (wide) and curtain haircuts. It had NOTHING to do with shit fashion and excess in the banks/ hair/ shoulder pads/ flappy bits on your jumper unerneath your sleeves. Nothing.

  47. piqued Says:

    I think they should revive the 1600’s London, cholera, plague, diphtheria, consumption, abject poverty, filth.

    Hey, the kids could all wear lice in their hair and get ratted on gin for a shilling.

  48. Dave Says:

    Mel, I was describing the eighties not the nineties. I was a toddler in the eighties and, I assume, the age you were in the eighties in the nineties. That’s what I meant.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    A shilling? For gin? In the 1600s? What the fuck was it made out of? Liquid gold?

  50. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Gin originated in the Netherlands in the 17th century.

  51. breeks Says:

    mel – that’s natalie and she’s dead now. very, very dead.


  52. Clarry Says:


    Yesterday my comment ‘I can’t comment’ wasn’t about being unable to comment on which breed of dog I liked or where I stood on the cats vs dogs debate – I was telling you through cyberzpaces that I couldn’t comment on this damned site. The computers wouldn’t let me I tell you.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    In that case, I bet it was quite expensive if it hadn’t even been invented yet.

  54. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    …and the term dutch courage comes from the dutch merchants who used to swig gin before disembarking in london, in the belief it would prevent them from getting a plague or whatever.

  55. Clarry Says:

    Sorry Breeks – i’d posted that before I saw your comment. I wasn’t being an insensitive oaf.


    *waves at new chum*

  56. Mel Says:

    Oh dear, sorry about that breeks. Still. her top rocked the 80s look.

  57. piqued Says:

    ‘In that case, I bet it was quite expensive if it hadn’t even been invented yet’

    1600 = 17th century

    (you cna have the shilling mind you, that’s yours)

  58. Napoleon Says:

    I took ‘the 1600s’ to mean the 1600s, Piqued (as opposed to the 1610s, the 1620s, etc). A quick scoot about the Encyclopedia Brittanica informs me gin didn’t pitch up here ’til the Restoration.

    And yes, I know how to work out centuries, thanks.

  59. breeks Says:

    no offense. she died a couple years after that photo was taken. am sure she wouldn’t mind. she was cool.

    *flails hopelessly against death*

  60. piqued Says:

    You know what ‘the 1600’s’ means, you read plenty of history.

    The Restoration happened in the 1600’s did it not?

    The 17th century can also be described with impunity as the 1600’s don’t you know

    *waggles cock*

  61. Napoleon Says:

    No, the Restoration happened in the 1660s, Piqued. The 1600s specifically means the period between 1600 and 1609. Nobody says ‘the 1600s’ when referring to the entire century – for that you’d say ‘the 17th Century’. See?


  62. Swineshead Says:

    *stoned out of face*

    *dreading leaving house for arsenal match*

    *existential despair*

  63. Swineshead Says:

    Restoration? Is that when they ‘did up’ old houses? With Gryff Rhyss Joness?

    I’m not good with history.

  64. piqued Says:

    ‘Nobody says ‘the 1600s’ when referring to the entire century’

    Yes, I can assure you they do

  65. Clarry Says:

    Ok, well this is the look I was rocking circa 1985.

    I’d take a deep breath before taking a peep chaps (i’m third from right on the middle row).

    You’ve been warned.

    http://s694.photobucket.com/albums/vv307/Clarry_2009/?action=view&current=brownies.jpg” target=”_blank”>

  66. Swineshead Says:

    Argh! Devil child!

  67. Clarry Says:

    Hey SH – which email you on?

  68. breeks Says:

    clarry – was this some kind of snugglepot and cuddlepie cult?

  69. Napoleon Says:

    “Yes, I can assure you they do”

    Well, idiots do, obviously. People who know what they’re talking about wouldn’t say ‘1600s London’ when referring to London during the entire 17th Century, because the London of Elizabeth I (in the 1600s), bears absolutely no resemblence to that of the London of William III (the 1690s). That’s why we say ’17th Century’, see?

    You wouldn’t say ‘the 1900s’ to refer to the entire 2oth Century, would you?

  70. Swineshead Says:

    Clarry – a new one – swineshead at epicwinmedia dot com

  71. piqued Says:

    ‘You wouldn’t say ‘the 1900s’ to refer to the entire 2oth Century, would you?’




  72. Clarry Says:

    SH – I think you mean the devil child is the one two to my right. Look at her expression.

    Breeks – That was Brownies. I spent every waking moment pestering my mother to let me be one as I wasn’t allowed ballet lessons. We used to meet in that hall and runs around pretending to be French beans and the like. On the up side I got my flower arrangers badge. Oh and I got to wear THAT hat…

  73. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – people do that. ‘The 1800s’ is shorthand for ‘nineteenth century’ as far as I’m concerned. I hate to side with Piqued on this, but I’d know what he was on about if he said that.

    He’d sound a bit gormless, granted – BUT HAY WAHTS NEW???!!!! :LOLZ

  74. Napoleon Says:

    You would? Wouldn’t people think you were a bit … well … simple? A bit daft, like? Wouldn’t they think you didn’t have the gumption to work out how centuries work? Or would they assume you were talking about 1900 – 1909?

    I reckon it’s either that first one, or that last one.

  75. Swineshead Says:

    I was a sixer in the cubs.


  76. breeks Says:

    wow. brownies.

    *looks in awe*

    i was only allowed the girl’s brigade where i was allowed to march around tarmac-covered netball courts all for the glory of god.

  77. Napoleon Says:

    (That last one was aimed at Piqued, obviously … the simpleton TWAT)

  78. Mel Says:

    Ha Clarry, i managed to get expelled from brownies AND thrown out of ballet lessons. I don’t think you missed much.

  79. Mel Says:

    I was a sargeant in the Air Training Corps, and got to fly and glide and shoot rifles.
    *wins over SH*

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Were you caught doing sapphic things?

    I hope it was sapphic things.

  81. Mr H Says:

    To summarise;

    The eighties were shite. Although to be fair, I was so out of my face on drink and speed, post 1981, that I only know about them thanks to “ironoc” TV shows like ‘I Love The 80’s’.

    John Peel was shite. Shite taste in music, shite Radio 4 show, shite. Why anyone would shed tears over a fuggin DJ is beyond me. Sleb loving wankers need not reply.

    1600s / 17th Century – It’s 17th century. The end.

  82. Clarry Says:

    Breeks – At Brownies we would pledge.

    I promise to do my best, to do my duty to God, to serve the Queen, to help other people and to keep the Brownie Guide law.

    Amenz to that.

    Guides was better, but then when you got to the age of 12 it was the most heinously unfashionable thing a girl could do. SO you had to bin it off asap.

  83. piqued Says:

    ‘I reckon it’s either that first one, or that last one.’

    Well your’re wrong

  84. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I will be watching the yellow submarine vs the gooners on ITV4 at night at home. Think it will be the more elegant game.
    Tomorrow I have to go the pub as I do not have Sky.

  85. Swineshead Says:

    Air Training Corps? Was that teenagers running around in camouflage gear?

    Hated that lot.

    Mucking about in uniform’s for kids.

    I was a little boy when I was in the cubs. When I was a teenager I was too busy defying my elders and puking into the river Slea after drinking cider to put on khaki slacks and wade through a river with future admin assistants.

  86. piqued Says:

    (that was ‘you’re’ obviously)


  87. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Simpleton.

  88. Swineshead Says:

    To summarise, Mr H agrees with Napoleon on all counts, as usual.

    I was an eager Beaver too, I’ll have you know.

  89. Mel Says:

    Mr H, I am so glad you turned up. If you had not, we would all still be foundering about in a sea of wrong. Thank you for your opinion, which has come and saved us all from ourselves.

    Nappers, nope, i was kicked out of brownies for being rude, i think. Ballet teacher caught me climbing trees, and said i had to make a choice between dance and pretending to be a boy. I cannot remember any sapphic things.

  90. piqued Says:

    Napoleon – wrong

  91. Napoleon Says:

    The ATC looked like a bunch of twats. Anyway, I was far too busy bullying the likes of Swineshead to bother with any of that rubbish. AND trying and failing to get into Wendy Lynch’s knickers.

    I’ll never get over that ’til the day I die …

  92. Mel Says:

    SH, In the air cadets, we gott drunk on all cider and threw up frequently, while telling the folks that we were on an exercise. AND I GOT TO SHOOT REAL GUNS.

    I really only joined because i went to an all girls’ school, and it was one way to meet boys. Then i got to shout at them, and be better than them at shooting and flying, which was acers.

  93. piqued Says:

    I was in ‘scouts’

    This was a deviant outfit in greater London that featured throwing garden furniture through windows, stealing fags from machines and holding the wheel of the minibus on the A3 so the scout leader could have a wank, I kid ye nout.

  94. Swineshead Says:

    You didn’t bully me, Nappers. You sold me porn mags for a quid a go and occasionally clipped me around the ear.

    I don’t consider that bullying. I’m not traumatised because you clip ears the way a frail woman might pick a loosely dangling blackberry.

  95. piqued Says:

    ‘the way a frail woman might pick a loosely dangling blackberry’

    I used to get paid to do that

  96. breeks Says:

    i once pretented to faint in girl’s brigade assembly cause it was so incredibly dire. i was made to go with a girl called heather who cut off her own eyelashes.

    they never grew back.

  97. Mr H Says:

    Mel and others,

    Perry is usually wrong about everything. I am always right about everything. Sometimes Brendan Paddy O’Perry forgets his meds and comes to the same conclusions as me.

    Which makes me right again.

    PS – I was in the Cubs, but when I heard that the Boys Brigade had a darts tournament with a skateboard as first prize, I abandoned promotion to the Scouts and nipped off to the BBs instead. As soon as that skateboard was mine, I abandoned them sharpish, as they began every meeting with 30 minutes of vaulting over, um, vaults. Which was too much like exercise. I swapped the skateboard for a quarter bottle of Bells and half a dozen jazz mags. Result.

  98. Clarry Says:

    Why would anyone do that? Cut off their own eyelashes I mean.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    I’ll have you know, readers of WWM, that those so-called limp-wristed clips to young Swineshead’s ear were enough to have him running wailing to his mother every five minutes. Face it, Swineshead, I bullied you mercilessly, then converted my bullying into a client / customer relationship when you started getting both pocket money and an insatiable thirst for grumble.

  100. Mel Says:

    Or swap a skateboard for jazz mags?

    Mr H, wrong, since the 1700s – all of them.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    The Boys Brigade always sounded a bit woofterish to me. Not that there’s anything wrong with that sort of thing, o’course.

  102. Napoleon Says:

    Not client / customer. What do I mean? Vendor / customer?

  103. Mel Says:

    Piqued’s scout group sounds a bit like that too, but i think there probably was something wrong in having your 7 YO charges take a steering wheel for you while you pleasured yourself in the minibus, full of 7 Yos.

  104. Mel Says:

    Nappers, i think you could be classed as a service provider in that relationship.

  105. Mr H Says:

    Why would anyone keep a skateboard when there was a quarter bottle of Bells and half a dozen jazz mags on offer?

    It’s that kind of woolly minded, muddled hippy thinking that’s ruined this country, ruined it I say.

    And yes, the BBs were very woofterish. Hats at a rakish angle and thirty young boys building up a sweat whilst being inspected by a man with a pencil moustache. Dodgy, very dodgy.

  106. Napoleon Says:

    A service provider? That sounds quite swish, as it ‘appens. Yes, I was supplying Swineshead with a valuable service … no, hold on … that sounds like there was sodomy going on … wait a minute …

    Scud vendor? Jazz gazeteer?

  107. piqued Says:

    Mel, we were all about 14, some of the older boys were in their late teens.

    Roy, the ‘scoutmaster’ was a sad lonely old bloke.

    None of us ever wore uniform or did any of that parade stuff but occasionally we’d go on groups trops to Halyling Island for the weekend and get smashed. And wank

  108. Mel Says:

    Oh ok piqued, because group wanking made it all a lot less dodgy?!

  109. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Well I was never in one of these junior militia forces. I was in football teams with lads from varying social backgrounds, getting exercise and understanding the importance of team work, but allowing self expression too.

  110. Mr H Says:

    DINLT – that might be the gayest thing I’ve ever read.

  111. piqued Says:

    Who said anything about group wanking? Honestly, we weren’t Dutch you know

  112. Swineshead Says:

    Right – you’re talking about when I was properly small – yes there was the odd occasion when you rattled my cage (guinea pig crushing being a stand out moment).

  113. piqued Says:

    DINLT, you sounded like an advert for some sort of government incentive to stop kids from bullying

    Perhaps Nappers should take note

  114. Napoleon Says:

    “… but allowing self expression too.”


  115. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Would that be the 1900’s and early 2000’s meaning of the french word “gai” or the more modern meaning of the 1960’s onwards to the present 2000’s?

  116. piqued Says:

    Ah, good, he did

  117. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    self expression as in expressing yourself on the pitch. By that I mean taking on opposition players and enjoying the game. Not hiding.

  118. Mr H Says:

    DINLT – I didn’t think you could get any gayer, but I doff my feathered cap in admiration of your bedazzling.

  119. Mel Says:

    As opposed to self expression on the pitch through the medium of modern dance and/or board-based water-entering sports?

  120. Mr H Says:

    Or even just plain old water sports. You can never tell.

  121. Napoleon Says:

    How can you practice self-expression in the confines of a clearly-defined set of rules and regulations? That doesn’t make any sense.

  122. piqued Says:

    ‘self expression as in expressing yourself on the pitch’



  123. Napoleon Says:

    *beats meat*

    Steak for me tonight …

  124. piqued Says:

    amd DINLT, please don’t explain

  125. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    What’s so gay about playing a team sport rather than joining cubs/scouts/girl guides/brownies etc?

  126. Napoleon Says:

    I reckon he means bumming. Not that there’s, etc.

  127. piqued Says:

    ‘and’ clearly

    NC are you okay to eat stuff like that? That was a serious question btw

  128. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I am until they find out what’s up with my guts. It’s a lovely bit o’ porterhouse, and I’m fucked if I’m letting the bugger go to waste.

  129. Mr H Says:

    I reckon it was some kind of circle jerking water sport. Although the floaters would be a real bugger.

    And what with Nappers beating his meat at the thought, it seems like it’s more popular than previously realised.

  130. piqued Says:

    Well I can think of other things a bit easier on the ol’ bread basket. Can’t you freeze it?

  131. Napoleon Says:

    I was beating proper meat, you grotesque Scotch runthouse. Cow’s loins … I was whacking away at a cow’s loins … erm … NO!

    *digs hole so deep he can see top of Satan’s head*

  132. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    oh and btw…Cantona in that Renault advertisement reminds me of my suggestion that he should have been the new Dr. Who. He should have been, it would have been a brillliant choice.

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I suppose I could, only I want to eat it, see? I can put up with shitting like all loads out of me arsehole. I’m a veteran of such things, me.

    And I’ve got these ‘ere pills wot seem to be clagging up me innards with solid poos*.

    *Yes, girls, I AM available for romantic nights out.

  134. Mr H Says:

    Ah, the sound of Perry disappearing into the quicksand of his own imaginings is the sweetest sound I’ll ever hear.

    I may as well knock off early. Um, I mean beat a hasty retreat. Dammit.

    *disappears into same quicksand*

  135. Napoleon Says:

    DINLT – I have to say, I admire your trainspotter-like football obsession, you big nerd. Do you wear NHS glasses and wank over the memory of the 1988 FA Cup final?

  136. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Most certainly don’t Nap. I never liked Wimbledon’s style of play.

  137. Napoleon Says:

    You’re like the football version of Dave, DINLT. You don’t, by any chance, enjoy certain ‘manly pleasures’ with the lights off, do you?

  138. ugeine Says:

    On pitch Expression: See Savage, Robbie, Bowyer, Lee, Fowler, Robbie and Rooney, Wayne.

  139. Swineshead Says:

    It’s getting a bit Lord of the Rings around here.

    Hang on…

    I mean ‘Flies’.

  140. ugeine Says:

    Kill The Pig! Spill it’s blood!

    (Is that grammatically correct?)

  141. Swineshead Says:

    Spill it is blood?

    No, no it’s not.

  142. ugeine Says:

    The blood belongs to the pig, meaning you need an apostrophe to indicate possession?

  143. Excelsior! Says:

    Ive never read Lord of the Flies, but just happen to be ordering library books online (i tell you, this internet business is the future). Is it good? shall i order it?

  144. ugeine Says:

    Bunch of arse, Excel. There wasn’t even a lord in it.

  145. Swineshead Says:

    No – you only use an apostrophe in ‘its’ if you mean ‘it is’.

    It’s an exception to the possessive rule.

    What were you doing in English class?

    (Yes, Ex, it’s fucking brilliant)

  146. Excelsior! Says:

    I understand theres a pigs head involved.

    It’s done now anyway.

    GUD NITE ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  147. Napoleon Says:

    It’s a pile of crap is what it is. I’d buy The Day Of The Jackal instead. In fact, I’d get the film on DVD instead of the book.

    Actually, I’d get Escape To Athena on DVD instead of Day Of The Jackal. Get that.

    Anyone seen My Name Is Bruce, by the way?

  148. Excelsior! Says:

    there’s a pigs had?

  149. Excelsior! Says:


  150. ugeine Says:

    SH: Stoned, mainly. Though I’ve got a ‘B’ for English Language A level somehow…

  151. Excelsior! Says:

    Now that looks like i’m questioning myself…

    *gives up*

  152. Swineshead Says:

    It’s pig’s head – yes, yes it’s.

    I’m quite excited about the football tonight. I might paint my face red and white.

    Actually, scratch that.

  153. Napoleon Says:

    Any twit can pass English Language. At our school, they got the GCSE version of it out of the way in the fourth year. It’s yer English Literature wot’s the big gun. With its Chaucerises and it’s Wordsworthises and its bloody William Shakespeareses.

  154. Swineshead Says:

    I got an A – with 100% for my coursework.

    I failed everything else and fucked up my degree by being a tramp, just in case I sound like a braggart there.

  155. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think there was even an option to do English Language at A Level, was there? WAS THERE?

  156. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t remember what was what, actually. Was there even a separate English language A Level?

    I think they were rolled into one in my year. This was at college – I had the presence of mind to leave our archaic school before 6th form, unlike Nappers.

    No idea what he was thinking there.

  157. ugeine Says:

    NP: I’d imagine your school got closed down by Henry VIII, though, so it’s not much of a surprise.

  158. Swineshead Says:

    No, Nappers – they were combined. Ugeine’s about 12 so they probably changed it when he did his*

    *made it easier

  159. Napoleon Says:

    I couldn’t be bothered to do anything else, Swineshead. I stuck around because I enjoyed the crack with my friends, and the girls down at the High School. Then I got sick of it and left before taking my A levels. I wasn’t that bothered because I always knew I wouldn’t need qualifications to do what I do anyway. Going to college would have pointless.

  160. Napoleon Says:

    “*made it easier”

    I see. I forget it’s all claptrap nowadays. That actual GCSE Science question they had on the telly the other daymade me laugh: What’s healthier? Grilling a sausage or frying it? For fuck’s sake …

  161. Napoleon Says:



  162. Swineshead Says:

    That’s a GCSE question?

    You couldn’t make that up, it’s a fucking disgrace etc…

    I’m off – bye.

  163. ugeine Says:

    My English A level Exam:

    1) Try and write your name without swearing / stabbing someone.

    2) tell me how you feel about English

    3) In that episode of friends where Rachel finds out she’s pregnant, who was wearing the red jumper?

    I didn’t even bother writing anything; just hocked up a greenie on the answer sheet, put my feet up and played nondescript grime on my mobile phone.

  164. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Zombies on radio 4 this morning..(well in the 19th Century novel).

    Great goal by Adebayor last night.

  165. spot Says:

    Feltz, whilst squeezing her face into a reality TV programme to find promising young boxers, declared that she wanted to sit in the front row and get splashed by their blood.

    Vanessa Feltz wants to be washed in the blood of teenagers.

    The only thought that chills my own (mercifully unspilled) blood, more than the fact that her radio show won a sony award, is the knowledge that she was once a magistrate.

  166. JACKO Says:

    some comments about vanessa feltz i just cannot believe. there is nothing wrong with her at all….in fact on bo` selecta ch.4 she was quite sexy. there are a lot of worse people on tv today, about 90%.

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