One Minute Review: Willie’s Chocolate Revolution

by

Oh goodie.

Channel 4 have commissioned yet another outing for William Harcourt-Dodderington-Smythey Twart, his awful family and his chocolate fascism. This follows his first series – in which we followed the exploits of the thoroughly dislikable apeman, his self-important wife and their squealing offspring as they tried to produce weird little chocolate nugget things – and, latterly, Willie’s Chocolate Christmas – a knuckle-bitingly smug stool of aspirational bullshit.

This time, Willie endeavours to create a popular chocolate bar to rival your Twixes, your Dairy Milks and your Aeros. He gets off on entirely the wrong foot with a snobbish diatribe regarding the chocolate we Brits consume, and follows up with a section in Barcelona where a vendor of high end chocolate products gags on one of our high street efforts.

Cheers.

Willie’s on a ‘quest’, we’re told. This is his ‘campaign’, he roars, before making his daughter some ice cream which they eat in the enormous back garden of his mansion. His wife, ‘the lynchpin’ of the operation moans about having to do ten things at once, despite apparently not having a job.

And we’re meant to relate to these people…

Finally, after an hour of chocolatey tedium, Willie jets off to Venezuela to seal a deal with a chocolate kingpin. They settle on a figure in moody, looming darkness, the scene reminiscent of Scarface. The show is shot in that moody stock they use for The Apprentice and every cut, slice and chop has its own camera angle. It looks like a fortune’s been spent filming it while the incidental music indicates it’s something that should be taken very, very seriously.

The problem is, it’s impossible to take seriously. Willie and family are completely dull, upper middle class non-entities and chocolate is just fucking chocolate.

Watching a successful businessman build his brand – when he’s not having the time of his life in the countryside or in the sun-dappled jungle – isn’t really the sort of eye-fodder I’m after in the midst of a credit crunch-saturated media environment. And if this is supposed to be escapism, why all the hand-wringing about Willie’s created-for-TV business problems?

If I want to escape, it won’t be in the company of this lot. Which begs the question, who is it that actually watches and enjoys this guff?

Do they exist solely in the mind of Channel 4 Executives?

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241 Responses to “One Minute Review: Willie’s Chocolate Revolution”

  1. piqued Says:

    Oh not this cunt again

  2. ugeine Says:

    This must have been a hard watch. I saw the adverts and was tempted to move country in glimpsed part of it by accident.

  3. indy Says:

    revolution? i know what true revolutionaries do to cocoa capitalists…

  4. Sue De Nymh Says:

    This sort of thing doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. Stewart Lee was right about Channel Four being a river of shit coming through your telly screen and this fella is one of the biggest turds floating on it.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    My favourite chocolate bars are:

    1. Topics
    2. Twixes
    3. Marathons
    4. Mars’s bars
    5. Drifterses

    Hmm. I also like Kit Kats and Rolos. And Turkish Delights.

  6. ugeine Says:

    Double Decker, that is the bomb.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Not s’ken on Doubled Deckers’ses. The chewy bit’s nice, not so keen on the crunchy bit.

    That said, I wouldn’t throw one away if given one for free.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I like a Boost. And the Kit Kat Dark that’s out at the moment is lovely.

    Willie can keep his chocolate bar – or preferably shove it up his arse.

  9. vones Says:

    1. Crunchie
    2. Double Decker
    3. Mars
    4. Yorkie
    5. Curly Wurlie

  10. Dave Says:

    YES! A list.

    1. Twix
    2. Double Decker
    3. Toffee Crisp
    4. Lion Bar
    5. Crunchie

  11. piqued Says:

    Basically, this is free advertising/marketing for his Cak.

    Isn’t this the 3rd incarnation of this bloke with his miserable offing? It’s obviously not working. I should imagine the deal struck between Winkie and the producers of his show hasn’t resulted in the expected sales revenue, so they’re going to keep on at it until, we, the public start buying it.

  12. Dave Says:

    SHIT. Drifters are fucking amazing too…fuck…

  13. ugeine Says:

    Boosts! They’re lovely. Also, putting a peanut kit kat crunchy in the fridge. Bet Willy’s chocolate bar tastes like arse, too.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Drifters are the kit’s shits, Dave. I fucking love ’em. I hope this ponce hasn’t had a go at Drifters, or so help me I’ll hunt him down and kill him and his family in cold fucking blood.

  15. Mel Says:

    I heard that cadburys did some market research on what the Great British Public like, tastewise. The result was that we lliked really bland studff, and in response they invented the dounble decker.

    I am not a huge chocolate person, and am doubly disadvantaged in this lst making malarkey, bbecause i have not eaten Nestle products in years and years and years.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    3rd outing, yes – as detailed in the post, if you’d read the bloody thing…

  17. Mel Says:

    I heard that cadburys did some market research on what the Great British Public like, tastewise. The result was that we lliked really bland stuff, and in response they invented the double decker.

    I am not a huge chocolate person, and am doubly disadvantaged in this list making malarkey, because i have not eaten Nestle products in years and years and years.

  18. Dave Says:

    I quite like Lindt chocolate too. I used to be a 65% cocoa novice, but now I’ve weaned myself up to 80% proof. Problem being, once I get used to that fix there’ll be nowhere for me to go other than forcing whole beans into my wrist in a gutter.

  19. Mel Says:

    Bugger, i thought i’d stopped and edited that last comment. Instead, it appeared twice
    *hates WordPress and Nestle*

  20. piqued Says:

    Remember the Willie Rushton Double Decker advert?

    ‘It’s crunchy, definitely crunchy, no, it’s chewy, definitely chewy’ etc.,

    I wonder if it’s on yoochewb

  21. Napoleon Says:

    I had some of that Milka caramel t’other day. That was very nice.

  22. breeks Says:

    afternoon all. if we’re talking quality chocolate i’ve eating my first ever jaffa cake cake bar and it’s horrid.

    as are jaffa cakes.

    i had a thing for milka chocolate there for a while, but now i love a green & blacks nuts and raisins. and dark, bitter chocolate with mint.

    ooooh, mint.

  23. piqued Says:

    I can’t, but I found this

  24. Mel Says:

    Hello Breeks, i was wondering if you would turn up today!

    If you are talking about Hippy chocolate, there is a brand called Divine that is da bomb. Much nicer chocolate than G&B, and more of their range is fair trade (FYI, only the Mayan Gold is Fair Trade of the G&B brand)

  25. ugeine Says:

    I never realised I socialised with double decker deniers and jaffa cake haters. Good day to you all.

    I SAID GOOD DAY.

  26. breeks Says:

    what on earth is good about chemical orange flavour which strips your mouth of mucous membranes in its evil attempt to sugarise your tongue.

    GROSS.

    hi mel. i’ve been working. or, rather, sat in a big meeting then chairing to other meetings. great day, this.

  27. ugeine Says:

    Did somebody say Turkish delight up there? Turkish screaming orgasm, more like. Lovely chocolate bar.

  28. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Everytime I go round my sisters for a cup of tea she has a crate of experimental ponce chocolates under her coffee table. Apparently she pays a nominal fee once a month to get it, and has to fill out a feedback form for market research.

    I want in on this.

  29. Mel Says:

    Yes, i too have been in and out today.

    We have realised that we need to redo the Terms of Referece for a big report, which is not making many people happy…

    But chocolate is a good way to start i feel.

    I get lots of lovely belgian chocolates here. I like them better than Double Deckers.

    What is the name of those Aussie chocolates that have cherry flavour in them? I like them, they are lush.

  30. breeks Says:

    omg cherry ripes. king of chocolate bars, basically.

    and this – this is good, too – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cadbury_Snack – the aussie one, obv.

  31. piqued Says:

    Apparently ‘Snack’ is sweeter than usual Dairy Milk…

    I think calling it ‘heart a snack’ would be more apt

  32. Napoleon Says:

    Jaffa Cakes are lovely. Anyone who doesn’t like Jaffa Cakes is a brainless MONKEY and a NAZI.

  33. Mel Says:

    Yup – those ones. They are the bestest chocolate bars ever.

    That Aussie Snack sounds like it is a chocolate bar designed for those people that are incapable of making up their minds. I have a friend this would be perfect for. She always takes ages to decide what she wants from any given menu, then instantly gets the envy when the dishes arrive and whines until everyone else lets her eat theirs.

  34. piqued Says:

    Can I shock you, Im a secret Jaffa Cake drinker

  35. piqued Says:

    ‘That Aussie Snack sounds like it is a chocolate bar designed for those people that are incapable of making up their minds. I have a friend this would be perfect for. She always takes ages to decide what she wants from any given menu, then instantly gets the envy when the dishes arrive and whines until everyone else lets her eat theirs.’

    Is she on a drip?

  36. Nick of the T Says:

    1-Topic
    2-Bounty
    3-Cabana (no longer available)
    4-Marathon
    5- another Topic

  37. Mel Says:

    Napoleon – you have very interesting definitions of the words monkey and nazi.

  38. Mel Says:

    Piqued – not the last time i looked, why?

  39. Nick of the T Says:

    This is a dreadful advert for some posh nobs chocolate.

    Isn’t his wife some friend of another CH4 celeb?

    Why do they commission this shit?

  40. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I thought the Soviets made the monkey soldiers and not the Nazis? Either way, you wouldn’t expect them to have a taste for Jaffa Cakes.

  41. piqued Says:

    It sounds like she has an appetite, Mel

  42. Mel Says:

    Right, and she wpould need a drip because…?

  43. McKinley60 Says:

    Cacao? C-A-C-A-O?

    Posh fucker can’t even spell.

    Now, sweetened condensed milk, butter and various artificial flavourings, as well as sugar… that’s what I call fucking chocolate.

    Caramac. I need no other.

  44. Mel Says:

    Ooh, if we are going home made chocolate, can i nominate the Millionaire’s shortbread? That is the king of home made choclate bars

  45. piqued Says:

    I like Caramacs too, despite throwing up after eating 4 in a row when I was 8

  46. Clarry Says:

    I despised chocolate until about 4 years ago (following an unfortunate incident with some Toffeefees *sicks in mouth a little*) but am now a confirmed chocoholic. My list is as follows (NB I only like chocolate with bits in to break it up a bit):

    1) Biscuit Boosts (not the ones with all energy in them – the old ones)
    2) Picnics
    3) Bueno
    4) Double Deckers
    5) Twix

    Favourite biscuits are:

    1) Milk chocolate digestives
    2) Caramel rockys
    3) Tunnocks caramel wafers

    My favourite proper chocolate is Divine and Green and Blacks – dark flavours only and minus bits. I have tried some of Willie Wanker’s chocolate I use for cooking (in chilli), it’s ok.

  47. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Mel, you’re a ponce. Tray bakes indeed….

  48. Who Says:

    If there are all these Topic lovers out there, why are there always loads of Topics left over in the Celebrations tin, eh?

  49. Mel Says:

    I have not had Caramcs in years, but me no likey.

    At school, i was entered into this engineering thing in lieu of physics lessons. We had to design a machine that would stop Wall’s ice cream getting complaints because of the mint in their mint choc chip looking like teeth if they were chipped too big (they use murray mints in this ice cream). Cadbury’s make Murray mints, so we went to their factory as part of the investigations. We were allowed anything we liked off the production line. Let me tell you, there is nothing better than Cadbury’s caramel bars when the caramel centre is still a bit warm and liquid. Mmm mmm

  50. Clarry Says:

    Oh and thanks to whoever it was who wrote about that hideous Meercat advert earlier. And *shudders* simpulz.

    Thanks a bunch – that is stuck in my brain now.

    I HAY8 IT!11!!!1!

    I actually leap commando style to the remote to try and mute it before I hear this advert, like I used to with the ‘On your mobile’ one.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    That would be me, Clarry.

  52. Mel Says:

    Dave, a ponce i may be, but one that can feed herself well.

  53. Clarry Says:

    Yes Naps, you did – thanks. And didn’t someone (Ug?) then say they like it?

    Oh my actual God. He’ll be saying her liked the Crazy Frog advert next.

  54. Clarry Says:

    *he

  55. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Mel – With tray bakes? They’re cheap, tacky squares of crap. They’re like the grey squirrel of the cafe world, forcing the simpler, more docile scone out of its natural habitat. You just don’t give a damn do you?

  56. Mel Says:

    Dave, nope, because my millionares shortbread are the bestest ever, even though my scones are nice i like them betterer. And we are not talking about in cafes, we are talking about my ones wot i make in my house wiuth my hands.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Yesterday I bought a bag of fair trade sugar. Not, I hasten to add, because I give a tupenny toss about sugar farmers in the Third World, oh no. It was 8p cheaper than Tate & Lyle’s, and in my book that’s a bargain I can’t pass up. May I suggest, if Tate & Lyle want to win back my custom, they drop the amount of money they’re currently giving to these greedy sugar farmers for their sugar, and lower their UK price by 9p? Come on, Tate & Lyle! Pull your fingers out! Let’s get this fair trade nonsense off our shelves before we’re all eating rabbit food made from bloody tofu in a forced labour camp run by Guardian-reading communists.

  58. Clarry Says:

    What about billionnaires shortbread?

  59. Mel Says:

    Clarry – describe this please. What could one possible add to millionaire’s shortbbread to make it better and not over sickly?

  60. piqued Says:

    Nappers, Tate and Lyle is already Fairtrade accredited

  61. Napoleon Says:

    WHAT??

    Well I’m never buying their bloody sugar again. What about Silver Spoons?

  62. Napoleon Says:

    “Clarry – describe this please. What could one possible add to millionaire’s shortbbread to make it better and not over sickly?”

    Love juice?

  63. Sue De Nymh Says:

    How about that rum flavoured chocolate with a spanish galleon on the wrapper – was it called “Old Jamaica” or something?
    Mmmmm… that was nice.

  64. piqued Says:

    No need NC, Silver Spoon is made in the UK from home grown sugar beet

  65. Clarry Says:

    Mel – reckon it has white chocolate on top, so will be mega sickly. Or richer, hence the new name.

  66. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Logically speaking – if we take the British definition of Billionaire – you’d have to just make the millionaire shortbread a million times bigger. Which is why you’re better off being patriotic and buying the humble scone, you food ponces.

  67. Mel Says:

    bleurgh – white chocolate tastes rubbish, and shouldn’t be allowed to call itself chocolate, since it only contains cocoa butter and not yer actual cocoa. And it tastes rubbish.

    WRONG.

  68. Napoleon Says:

    Aha! British! Yes, that’s better. None of this overseas nonsense. Good old British sugar beet – the vegetable from which God himself wanted us to get our sugar. I’ll stick to that in future.

    Unless it’s 8p more, in which case come on, Silver Spoons, pull your bloody finger out!

  69. Mel Says:

    NC – which would you choose if they were the same price in the shop?

  70. ugeine Says:

    Clarry: I do like that advert. And I’ve herd that Meerkat likes to poo at other people’s houses.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    I like white chocolate. I like them Milky Bar things four year olds eat. I was forever stealing them off of a four year old when me, the missus and the kid’s mother were sharing a house. Don’t feel sorry for her, mind. She once sat on my head at seven in the morning and farted straight up my nose. The little bitch.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – The British one, of course.

  73. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Milky Bar yoghurts are the bomb. You have to eat a whole fourpack though, because they don’t make them for adults. Same with Postman Pat spaghetti shapes – what a lot of fun they are, but you have to open four tins to get an adult-size meal.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    I haven’t eaten spaghetti shapes since they discontinued Noodle Doodles back in the ’80s. Those rats.

  75. piqued Says:

    ‘Milky Bar yoghurts are the bomb. You have to eat a whole fourpack though, because they don’t make them for adults. Same with Postman Pat spaghetti shapes – what a lot of fun they are, but you have to open four tins to get an adult-size meal.’

    Christ

  76. ugeine Says:

    That’s not like you at all Napoleon! Shouldn’t you only be eating chocolate bars that are marketed towards adults?

  77. Mel Says:

    Dave, so now you are eating kid’s food eh? Do you also like Heinz baby rice and farley’s rusks?

  78. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I prefer breast milk, Mel.

  79. Mel Says:

    I assume that this is of the expressed variety? I find it difficult to believe you would be allowed to suckle

  80. myopiniononstuff Says:

    That’s a cruel assumption Mel. But if I can’t get the proper stuff I milk a rat’s teet.

  81. Clarry Says:

    I do admit that when I was younger and worked in a pharmacy, I forgot my lunch one day had noone to cover me onmy lunch so I had to resort to food I could find in the stockroom. This mainly involved baby food, and I found the chocolate pudding to most acceptable.

  82. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Ordinarily I would, yes. However, seeing as Milky Bars are one of the few ways in which I can quench my white chocolate thirst, I have to lower myself to your level and delve into the world of kid’s stuff from time to time.

    Anyway, chocolate’s a bit different to reading children’s novels. Milky Bars are, after all, just white chocolate when you get right down to brass tacks – if they were in a different wrapper (perhaps with a photo of a nude woman on her back, splaying her labia apart with her fingers, bearing the logo: XXX Adults Only White Chocolate), they’d still be the same basic product. Terry Pratchett novels will never be anything other than infantile shit for children, any way you wnat to dress ’em up.

  83. piqued Says:

    Milky Bars are, after all, just white chocolate when you get right down to brass tacks

    …eeh by gum

  84. breeks Says:

    what is millionaire’s shortbread?

    naps – i am neither nazi nor monkey. nor german. nor hairy.

  85. breeks Says:

    and, blah blah blah, white chocolate isn’t really chocolate at all.

    i like milky bar, as it happens. those really small 15p ones.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Nazi monkey.

  87. Napoleon Says:

    If it isn’t chocolate, why does it say ‘chocolate’ on the wrapper?

  88. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Wildlife bars.

  89. breeks Says:

    i’m all about genocide, me. genocide in terms of ridding the world of small northern men with bad teeth.

  90. Clarry Says:

    Anyone else think that Willie looks like he could be Orlando Bloom’s dad in the picture above?

  91. myopiniononstuff Says:

    How wonderful, Breeks.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Small? I’m sorry, I didn’t realise we’d met. Were you that rangy old bird with the shit tits?

  93. Clarry Says:

    Breeks – shortbread + soft caramel + chocolate in layers then cut into squares = millionaires shortbread.

    Yum

  94. Mel Says:

    it isn’t chocolate because it contains no cocoa. If you look closely on many wrappers of so called chocolate products, it will say chocolate flavoured frosting or similar for similar reasons NC.

    Breeks – Millionnaire’s shortbread is shortbread covered with a layer of fudgy toffee covered with a layer of dark chocolate. It is lush.

  95. breeks Says:

    clarry & mel – oh. caramel squares, that centrepiece of the sainsburys bakery. noice, noice.

    naps – yes, that was me. i’ve been extreme makeover’d now, though. i’m hot, you’re not.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    I, for one, enjoyed Clarry’s babyfood adventure.

  97. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Balls! It says ‘chocolate’ on the wrapper. That’s good enough for me, and no woolly-minded bloody woman is going to convince me otherwise, d’ye hear? Up yours!

  98. Clarry Says:

    They are much nicer when you make ’em yourself as you can control the softness of the caramel. I hate it when it’s rock hard.

  99. breeks Says:

    naps – you are SO wrong in this case it’s positively enjoyable.

    *sits back*

    *chokes on coffee*

    *swears*

    *eats white chocolate*

  100. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Aztec’s were good.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Who says I’m wrong? You? And why should I take your bloody word for it, eh? The Nestles people say it’s chocolate, and that’s good enough for me. If you don’t like it, take it up with Nestles, not muggins ‘ere. They’re the ones says it’s chocolate, you says it ain’t, thus, it’s you vs. them, not me. You old arsehole.

  102. Mel Says:

    Woolly-minded? I am not woolly-minded, you illiberal, old, snaggle-toothed, ill-gutted bloody man.

    I would also postulate that, since i have breasts, i do not need to spend all my time thinking about them, and therefore have more space for important stuff in my head. So, if either of us can be described as woolly-minded, it would not be me Nappers.

    Pfft

  103. Clarry Says:

    Thanks SH. It was a veritable gastronomic JOURNEY.

    Everyone ignored my lookylikey spot.

    P.S I watched Holby City last night. Naps, do you have a crush on that no-nonsense, bitch Dr?

    P.P.S Speaking of doctors did anyone watch the prog on channel 4 called Hospital last night. Fucking hell they messed up a bit didn’t they? Quite lid-er-ally heart stopping stuff.

  104. Mel Says:

    Oh, and Nestle are NEVER wrong are they nappers? Like when they told all african womens that breast milk was bad for their babies, and instead pushed formula on them, providing it in a language that they could not read, and they also had no access to clean water. Result = dead brown babies. But of couse that is not wrong either is it? Hmm?

  105. breeks Says:

    and nestle are to be believed and seen as upstanding moral business types, oh yes.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_chocolate

  106. Mel Says:

    Plus if everything that is in print is correct, then wht was Communism such a failure after the publication of Das Capital?

    Eh?

  107. Mel Says:

    Thanks for that link Breeks. White chocolate was essentailly a waste product. This is wrong, and in a similar category to Marmite.

  108. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – Important stuff? In a woman’s head? A woman’s?? And what the hell would that be, then? Let me see …

    Important stuff known to go round in men’s heads:

    Engineering
    Important scientific stuff
    The great works of art and literature
    Space travel
    Inventing absolutely everything

    Important stuff known to go round in women’s heads:

    Shoes

    Hmm … maybe you should start thinking about tits more, sweet cheeks.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I love that woman. The bad-tempered, scheming bitch.

  110. breeks Says:

    promite, however, is lovely stuff.

  111. Clarry Says:

    So, Hospital? Lookeylikey?

    ANYONE?

  112. Mel Says:

    well NC, if you stopped thinking less about my sweet cheeks and started thinking a bit more about important things (and even stuff like engineering would be a bloody start) then perhaps we can start actually debating this properly. Love.

  113. Nick of the T Says:

    G&Bs do a fine white chocolate.

    With bits of vanilla in.

    Old posh pots definitely been on the Greecian 2000 though

  114. ugeine Says:

    I haven’t actually read a tp novel for a good sixth months.

  115. Clarry Says:

    *dies*

  116. Napoleon Says:

    What was that, Mel? Something about celebrities, was it? Or shopping? Sorry, I tend to switch off when you ladies start twittering away …

    Anywa, isn’t it about time you started getting your husband’s tea ready? It’s not going to cook itself, you know?

  117. breeks Says:

    he could be orlando’s sperm donor, i guess, clarry, yes.

    *prods*

  118. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Does anyone watch the footbal via ILLEGAL Arabic streams? I don’t have Sky Sports and need to watch the Battle of Britain tonight.

  119. Mel Says:

    Clarry – do you not think he looks like some ,kind of bastard offspring of that pone off of the Rolling Stones?

    I think he needs to see a different barber, on top of this fact.

  120. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Go to the pub?

  121. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – Get Sky Sports. Or go round a mate’s house. Or go to the pub. Or get Sky Sports.

    I’m torn between the football and The Apprentice.

  122. Mel Says:

    Do we have to do mouth to mouth on Clarry? I suspect we need to find a mouth guard. It is what she would have wanted.

  123. Clarry Says:

    *twitches*

    Yes he blummen well could Breeks. I think I might demand an enquiry. Maybe that’s how this pompous twat is on our tv, becoz he is OB’s dad?

  124. ugeine Says:

    Dave: Such a thing is illegal and immoral. For instance, if you were to go to http://www.myp2p.eu and click on the sports section, you would break the law.

  125. Clarry Says:

    *springs up*

    No, no mouth to mouth for me! I’m fine.

    *furiously rubs germs off mouth*

    Speaking of resuscitating people… Anyone see HOSPITAAAAALLLLLL!!!!

  126. Clarry Says:

    Where they accidentally deaded a person?

    On telly?

    Oopz…

  127. myopiniononstuff Says:

    SH – I’m unemployed and I live in Scotland. Most of my mates are 200 miles away (and probably don’t miss me) and the Scotch get a bit shirty when confronted with English matches.

    Anyway…Sky Sports lets you watch the game on their website if you ‘buy a ticket’.

  128. breeks Says:

    zattoo.com any good to you? can’t remember if they have sky on there.

  129. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – You’re one of these OCD weirdos, are you? I’d have you all doused in horseshit and then locked in a box so I could hear you all tearing off your own skins, you bunch of paranoid, twitching freaks.

  130. Clarry Says:

    I am currently in ‘therapy’ to try and combat it NC.

  131. Mel Says:

    Clarry – i didn’t see it, but if it was good than i can do 4OD.

    If we used a mouth gurad, thhere would be no germ exchange. Do you have to carry one of those bracelets for emergencies, like diabetics, that tells anyone wishing to rescusitate you to use a bag (like in ER, that bag thing where they say ‘bag ’em’)?

  132. Clarry Says:

    I am currently in therapy* to try and combat it NC.

    *torturous sessions of being made to touch germs

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – That therapy rubbish won’t do you any good. You should be made to stand in a stagnant pond and beaten with reeds until you promise not to wash your hands, even after you’ve done a shit.

    Can I come round your house and poo in your toilet?

  134. breeks Says:

    clarry – roolly? wow. i bet you smell lovely and clean, though. not like nappers whom i imagine has the specific aroma of tooth decay alongside the fetid warmth of maggoty steak.

  135. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – I smell of man things, I’ll have you know. The musky aroma of petroleum, farts, lung cancer, tooth decay, whiskey, dogs and hammers.

    I imagine you, on the other hand, smell like all old women – piss mixed with lavendar.

  136. breeks Says:

    hey SH – are we having a thursday question this week seeing as on friday we’ll all in church giving thanks to jesus for dying before sunday when we’ll be back in church giving thanks he rose again.*

    *not really, but if was the case would be drinking heaps communion wine.

  137. breeks Says:

    actually, naps my darling, darling thing, i smell like 4711.

  138. Mel Says:

    Breeks – can you believe that the Dutch do not get Good Friday off?

    And they pride themselves on being god-fearing calvanists, yyet they do not enter a day of sack cloth and mourning for the deliberate murder of oyur lord and saviour’s only son/part of that trinity thing i cannot explain.

  139. breeks Says:

    they do, however, have krentenbollen and for that i forgive them their heinous ignoring of the goodness that is friday.

  140. Clarry Says:

    Yes it was very good Mel. Two A&E department Drs speaking about the strain being put on NHS by drink fuelled injuries/fatalities and the shit they get from pissed, attitude-laden, ‘I know my rights’ teenagers. In between they follow various cases of drink related injuries/deaths and then follow them up some time later. One case saw a lad who was in intensive care for 4 days after his pissed friend drove into a wall. When interviewed in the waiting room his friends, including the driver, didn’t see the gravity of the situation at all, joking that they’d only had 10 pints. In another a pissed girl stepped out into the road and got squashed and was rushed in with mangled legs and burns. Due to the problems of pain relief as she was pissed they gave her ketamine not morphine and the nurse accidentally gave her a 10x overdose. And she died. And she stayed dead for 11 minutes while they tried to revive her. Then she died again. And finally lived.

    Simultaneously enthralling and infuriating.

  141. Mel Says:

    currant buns? in exchange for an entire day off?

    I am not convinced.

  142. myopiniononstuff Says:

    MY FUCKING GAZEBO JUST FLEW OVER THE BASTARD SHED AND INTO MY FUCKING CAR WINDSCREEN.

  143. Swineshead Says:

    breeks – you’re ahead of the game. Yes, Nappers and i are hammering out an agreement on what image we should have for the Friday Question on a Thursday.

    At the moment it features a hairy arse.

  144. Mel Says:

    Oh, maybe i will catch up with that one.

    My dad used to be a copper. He had some kids do that to him once (I know my rights etc). He threw the PACE manual at them, and asked them to point out what their rights actually were. They failed, and surprisingly did actiually STFU.

  145. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Football down the pub for me tonight. Apprentice has been sidelined for 2 weeks in a row now. Football must take precedence!

  146. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – You can afford a car? Jesus. And here was me thinking you got fuck all money on the dole …

    A DISGRACE!

  147. Clarry Says:

    P.S Mel it’s all about smells, tastes (particularly smells so strong you can taste them) and air borne germs for me. I’m afraid I couldn’t have you breathing near my face whilst using a face guard. I will accept a bag, providing no one else has used it. Ever. And you’d washed your hands first.

  148. breeks Says:

    and a gazebo? pleb.

  149. Mel Says:

    OK Clarry. Does this include nice smells? Like fresh bread? or coffee?

  150. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’m not on the dole I’m on JSA. I can’t afford to run the car. Breeks is a snob.

  151. breeks Says:

    i am descended from royalty.

    bow.

  152. breeks Says:

    bow, or die.

  153. Mel Says:

    ooh, can we all shout ‘off with his head’ and ‘send him to the Tower’?

    *shouts*

  154. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I didn’t have you down as a Germaniac, Breeks. I suppose it qualifies your fascist outlook on social class.

  155. ugeine Says:

    Dave: Are you sure you’re not on some kind of 80s sitcom?

  156. Mel Says:

    Dave, i think you have your posters muddled.

    And there is no difference between the dole and JSA, it is a different name for the same thing – no?

  157. myopiniononstuff Says:

    My penis is as it looks liek Alf the Aliens face if the central heating’s not on. Why?

  158. ugeine Says:

    I don’t like that logic, Breeks. My great grand mother was a prostitute.

    *gets on Knees*

  159. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I don’t think JSA is counted in the official figures.
    Dave are you in the official figures?

  160. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Mel, I don’t have my posters muddled and I am on JSA which is the same as the dole except it’s called JSA not the dole.

    DINLT, I’m on JSA.

  161. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Yes but JSA is not counted is it?

  162. myopiniononstuff Says:

    What? I’m sat in my underpants trying to play The Blower’s Daughter on guitar. Leave me alone.

    I’m off.

  163. Mel Says:

    you have your posters muddled when you called Breeks a germophobe though Dave.

  164. Clarry Says:

    What gets me is when people remain on JSA whilst they look for something that’s ‘more me’, or words to that effect.

    Doing any job is better then a gap on your cv in my opinion. When I look through cvs, gaps and moving jobs every few months = there are no posts available at the moment. SOz.

  165. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I called her a Germaniac which was a play on the word Germanic (Royalty are Germans).

    I’m off.

  166. breeks Says:

    ugeine – i was named after a prostitute. arise, sir u.

    war of the roses type royalty. peter the great or summat. can’t remember. and slightly before that the paston family, of the famed paston letters – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Paston_Letters

    nothing german at all, cheers.

  167. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Come on wwm’ers suggestions to help Dave….(serious ones only).

    1). Teacher training…they are crying out for them.
    2). One year post graduate law certificate.
    3). TEFL in South America. suggestion is Chile.
    4). Voluntary work overseas.
    5). Join the French Foreign Legion (since seeing Beau Geste and reading Legionaire I am slightly impressed with the legion, mind you I would not have lasted five minutes if I had joined).

  168. Clarry Says:

    So are you actively seeking employment Dave?

    I think that the more actively you are ‘seeking a job’ the more (or less) money you should get.

    The dole is a safety net not a way of life.

    Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

  169. Clarry Says:

    I meant to write “So are you actively seeking employment in your pants Dave?”

  170. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Bloody hell, Clarry. I’ve only claimed three of the buggers and have decided to work in a hotel while looking for a real job.

    And any monkey can account for gaps in their CV. My problem is I’ve worked at two places in the space of a year which looks bad…until you explain one of them was temping and the other was shit.

  171. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    But Clarry the official unemployment figures do not represent the reality. Basically there is not enough work to go round in service economy britain.

  172. breeks Says:

    you should go on the apprentice, dave.

  173. myopiniononstuff Says:

    It wouldn’t be fair on the other contestants, Breeks. I know how to wash a car, you see…but not how to be a success in anything….

  174. Clarry Says:

    That wasn’t an attack on you btw Dave, I just get sick of people who rely on getting preggers so they can get a free house and stay on the dole forever. And then moan when they’re skint. Basically, some humans see having children as a means to an end.

  175. breeks Says:

    ah, clarry, there you and i part. gross generalisation, and i say that with the experience of working with the very slice of society you judge.

  176. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Get preggers Dave!

  177. ugeine Says:

    Dave could sit in a skip, wanking for coins?

    I like people who claim JSA and sit around doing nothing, purely because it annoys the right people.

  178. Clarry Says:

    DINLT – I’ve no problem with people being on the dole, I just think that is a generation, or to be brutally honest a class of people (Trisha and Jezza Kyle regulars), that rely on it too heavily – exhausting it for those that really need it.

  179. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Fair enough. Basically my first temp job was pretty decent and allowed me to tell people what to do. Unfortunately, because it was temp, we all got told to bugger off when they couldn’t afford us anymore. In a panic, I accepted a job working in a shitty call centre because I siomply didn’t have the life experience to handle falling behind on my rent, etc… This in turn caused me to lose my fucking mind and I was in a rage of sever depression for about half a year.

    Lesson – value yourself more or you’ll become a bitch.

  180. piqued Says:

    I’ve just spent over an hour trying to un-fuck-up my Pay Pal account. The matter is still unresloved and as a result I’m about to get fucked over on ebay

    If Pay Pal was really my pal I’d smash his teeth down his fucking throat and piss in his broken mouth

  181. Mel Says:

    Clarry, i think you have been reading too many “news” papers. Would you rather have the sort of dole you get in America, where many many people genuinely live in poverty? (Disclaimer, i know there are people in poverty in the UK, and that living on benefits is not fun, but we do provide health care and so on)?

  182. Mel Says:

    Dave – that should possibly read ‘lesson – value yourself more, or you’ll become someone’s bitch…’

  183. breeks Says:

    i just scratched my own fass and now my fass bleeds.

    OW.

  184. ugeine Says:

    Severe depression is something I wouldn’t even wish on Fred Durst.

    If you’re wondering, what I wish on Fred Durst is that one day he sits down on his own ball sack and has a few hours of agonizing pain.

  185. Mel Says:

    Ouch breeks, be careful, or cut your nails.

  186. breeks Says:

    my nails are not even v long.

    tonight i am going to a gig so i’ll drink some beer which will totally help.

  187. Clarry Says:

    Mel/Breeks – I said:

    “I’ve no problem with people being on the dole, I just think that there is a generation, or to be brutally honest a class of people (Trisha and Jezza Kyle regulars), that rely on it too heavily – exhausting it for those that really need it.”

    And I stand by my comment that it is a safety net NOT a way of life.

    I’m not talking about people who live in genuine, abject poverty. I’m talking about the chavs that can well afford fags, beer and burberry clothing who have never, and have no intention of, EVER getting a job, because they don’t have to.

  188. breeks Says:

    that statement relies upon the fact that getting a job is (i) an understood option and (ii) a realistic option and (iii) a financially sensible option.

  189. ugeine Says:

    Do you still work with Royal Treatment Plant Breeks?

  190. breeks Says:

    i do. the gig, the gig. tonight shall be rtp, beer and beer.

  191. Nick of the T Says:

    Get a job as a postman Dave.
    Erm….that’s it.

  192. Nick of the T Says:

    I’m using a new web browser called “Flock”
    It’s very fast and has a rss media bar!

    No, I don’t know what it is either. 😐

  193. ugeine Says:

    They’re a rather enjoyable band, they are.

  194. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Why a postman, Nick?

  195. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Actually i always thought it would be good to be a postman but in the country or in the wilds of Scotland.

  196. Clarry Says:

    Breeks I know where you’re coming from, but I know for a fact that there are many perfectly capable people who are physically and mentally able to hold down a job that choose not to. I also understand that in some cases people are financially worse off going to work i.e. when our secretary first came back to work after her youngest had gone to school, she was £40 a week worse off. The system is hardly providing an incentive for people to get back to work, is it?

  197. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    But Clarry you said that you discriminate against people with gaps in their CV. Therefore you are condemning the people who are trying to get a job. you should be interviewing them!

  198. Mel Says:

    And what about the fact that we do not have sufficient jobs clarry? especially in this economic climate, there are simply not enough jobs to go round.

  199. breeks Says:

    ugeine – they are. album release in nz and aus imminent.

  200. Nick of the T Says:

    10cc are playing in Southampton next month…I am tempted still…

  201. myopiniononstuff Says:

    In what capacity do you work with the band, breek? Roady, photographer, drummer?

  202. breeks Says:

    groupie. *

    *not true

    used to ‘manage’, i guess, but then we got ‘real’ managers and so now it’s general support and help around giggage, videos, recording, etc.

    keeps me young, yeah.

    *squeezes zit*

  203. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Good shit.

  204. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Unfortunately the World’s problems can be put down to population growth.
    in 1900 the World pop was 1.6 billion
    in 2005 6.5 billion.

  205. ugeine Says:

    I saw them at the Mixing Tin in Leeds. The bits I remember were great.

  206. Mel Says:

    DINLT – I think it can also be put down to the purchase of our Nation’s football teams by the super rich, who can then afford to pay hyperinflated wages to young thugs, who then think it is their right to do whatever they choose, and never have to suffer any consequences of their actions. Or something

  207. Clarry Says:

    DINLT – I was joking. I don’t employ people.

    I work in a field that is highly specialised and for which post graduate education is the absolute minimum requirement. Most people in this field do not have gaps in their cvs, instead they often work for several years as interns to get their foot on the ladder. As a result, this profession is populated largely by white upper-middle class people, whose parents can help them out. Unlike me, a lower-middle class person, from a single parent family. I had to borrow money and apply for bursaries to get through my 5 years at uni, and by the time I started working (5 years ago) I was in extreme debt and will spend the next 3 years paying it back.

    Mel – I was talking about a portion of society that habitually drain our resources, resources which would probably come in handy in the situation we are faced with in today’s economic climate.

  208. breeks Says:

    ugeine – ah, yes. shambolic and slightly drunken and yet long drive home gig, that. roszs was there, also.

  209. Nick of the T Says:

    You can see me this sunday in your very own house http://nicktann.blogspot.com/2009/04/me-playing-live-in-your-own-house.html

  210. Nick of the T Says:

    I thought you’d be excited….

  211. Mel Says:

    Clarry, the thing is though that this ‘class’ of people do not ‘choose’ to remain jobless, for many complex reasons, especially the ones Breeks mentioned. I fail to see how they ‘habitually drain our resources’, and it is not as if we are in such dire straights that we now have the majority of the population out of work, thus taxes are still being paid, and these taxes pay for the people that need this assistance. If that were the case, we really would be in trouble, and i would say that there would be no dole at all, whether for those that ‘deserved’ it or the ‘drains on society’.

    People do have to ‘qualify’ for benefits, and must fulfil a series of conditions in order to get it. It is not just handed out willy nilly, despite what the red tops would have you believe. Of course, there are people that claim the dole fraudulently, but these people are criminals, and should therefore be treated as such. This does not mean that all people on the dole are malingerers. It is a bit like saying all moons are satellites, therefore the Sputnik, by definition, must be a moon. Doesn’t hold up, i’m afraid.

  212. Mel Says:

    Nick, I am so excited, i can hardly see anymore.

  213. breeks Says:

    this argument is basically boiling down to the historical argument of ‘deserving or undeserving’ which is how the welfare state began and had a lot of intrinsic flaws.

  214. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    but mel I would say you have manmade satellites which are not moons and natural satural satelites that are moons.

  215. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    but Mel I would say you have manmade satellites which are not moons and natural satelites that are moons.

  216. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    but Mel I would say you have manmade satellites which are not moons and natural satellites that are moons.

  217. Nick of the T Says:

    Thanks Mel….

    They HAVE to be paid. There’s no getting away from it.

  218. Mel Says:

    yes, that is exactly my point DINLT. All moons are satellites, but not all satellites are moons. Same as people claiming the dole fraudulently are criminals, but not all people claiming the dole are criminals.

    Did you see i done a football reference just for you earlier?

  219. Nick of the T Says:

    Is there an echo…

  220. Mel Says:

    Nick – apparently so

  221. Mel Says:

    Nick – apparently so, yes

  222. Mel Says:

    Nick – not according to WordPress, who has stopped me posting so quickly…

  223. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I did Mel thanks. didn’t understand it though.
    Pluto is not a planet, it is an asteroid!

  224. Mel Says:

    I thought it was downgraded to a super moon?

    Or was Neptune upgraded to a superplanet?

    all this talk about space, and not a nappers (who claims he has thoughts of space going around in his head all the time) in sight. This is all a bit much for me to take.

  225. ugeine Says:

    ‘I think it can also be put down to the purchase of our Nation’s football teams by the super rich, who can then afford to pay hyperinflated wages to young thugs, who then think it is their right to do whatever they choose, and never have to suffer any consequences of their actions.’

    Eh? Is this a nice little bit of class snobbery from somebody sticking up for the welfare state?

  226. Clarry Says:

    Mel – I don’t read newspapers, and haven’t formed my opinion based on what the red tops told me. I’m not an imbecile.

    Mel the thing is though that you have misread what i’ve said and assumed that i’ve lumped in every last person who claims the dole into this ‘class’, and for some reason believe that I class all people who claim the dole as criminals. I grant you most people would prefer to not be on the dole, but my brother in law is a case in point, who despite having two children under 3 remained on the dole because the jobs on offer ‘weren’t really what he was looking for’, which I think is a rubbish attitude.

    Breeks mentioned several valid points, which I agree with (see my post at 4.16pm).

    So when we go back to your point that you fail to see how they ‘habitually drain our resources’, I was talking about a small section of society who abuse this right – and it is a right, but as discussed in the prog ‘Hospital’ last night, some people’s causes would appear to be more deserving than others – whether that’s right or wrong.

    As for: “People do have to ‘qualify’ for benefits, and must fulfil a series of conditions in order to get it. It is not just handed out willy nilly, despite what the red tops would have you believe. Of course, there are people that claim the dole fraudulently, but these people are criminals, and should therefore be treated as such. This does not mean that all people on the dole are malingerers. It is a bit like saying all moons are satellites, therefore the Sputnik, by definition, must be a moon. Doesn’t hold up, i’m afraid.”

    *Zzzzzzzz falls asleep at laptop*

    I can’t be arsed to argue about this anymore. You win. And stop putting my words in speech marks so it makes me sound all stupid.

    Night all.

  227. Mel Says:

    No ugeine, i was trying to be all broadsheet opinion to the prevailing tabloid one. And using football as a way to unite us all.

  228. ugeine Says:

    Oh. Because everything you typed in that comment I quoted was pretty much wrong; in that paragraph I counted 7 wrong things. Not bad for 53 words.

  229. ugeine Says:

    Forgive me if I’m coming across as all preachy but football’s one of the few things I can actually get on a soapbox for.

  230. ugeine Says:

    Actually, having read back over the last few comments I officially withdraw my bitching. Poor Mel!

  231. Mel Says:

    Clarry – sorry, i am not trying to put words in speech marks to make you look stupid. It happens to be something that I do not agree with you about, I certainly don’t think you are stupid.

    I also believe that the government is trying to discourage the sort of person that you have described as not taking jobs because they weren’t what he was looking for. I believe they are doing this by making them provide evidence that they are looking for jobs, and by cutting their benefits if they do not take jobs, when offered. This, for me raises other questions about getting people that are highly qualified to take any job while they look for one that they are qualified for, but that is an entirely different argument.

    I remain uneasy about describing people that do not have work as malingerers, and that is what i reacted to, alhough i know you do not think this of all people on the dole.

    However, this is WWM, and not a blog about social commentary. I come on here for shits and giggles, so lets agree to disagree.

  232. Mel Says:

    Ug – that is the trouble with trying to be tongue in cheek whilst simultaneously arguing a serious point, in type. It will teach me is suppose.

    OK, i am off. have a lovely evening everyone.

  233. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Group hug!

    BTW football in this country has changed,specifically in 1989 Liverpool V Arsenal, last game of the season according to a chap who has just written a book on this, Alastair Cowley i think his name is.
    Certainly the crowds today are more middle class.

  234. ugeine Says:

    Mel: My mistake, it is rather hard to tell what people mean over the internet. Have a good one.

  235. ugeine Says:

    I support the 6+5 rule.

  236. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    http://www.jasoncowley.net/book.html

    This is the book.

  237. Clarry Says:

    *accepts olive branch*

    That’s cool Mel – You’re right, this isn’t really the place to debate such things.

    P.S I agree with you btw and for the record i’m not some upperclass, right wing loon despite what I said up there.

    *goes home again*

  238. Swineshead Says:

    You’re all weird.

    Apprentice tonight! Hurray!
    And football highlights. And a long weekend after tomorrow!

    And…

    Oh, you’ve all gone.

  239. The Functioning Alcoholic Says:

    Anyone remember NUNCH?

  240. ugeine Says:

    Upside down, my signature looks like a pair of droopy tits. Morning!

  241. Gold, the magic word in every person's mind. The desire to own some form of gold has increased over the last few years and driven the gold prices to ever new heights. The worldwide economical crisis has created fears unseen before about the value of paper Says:

    Gold, the magic word in every person’s mind. The desire to own some form of gold has increased over the last few years and driven the gold prices to ever new heights. The worldwide economical crisis has created fears unseen before about the value of…

    […]One Minute Review: Willie’s Chocolate Revolution « Watch With Mothers[…]…

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