It’s taken a mere eight years for the BBC to cotton on to the idea of broadcasting The Greatest Television Show Ever Made©. Somebody over at Auntie got round to noticing the loud noises being made by fans and critics alike, and the result is The Wire is finally being shown on BBC2. Still, to make sure it’s not going to get too big for its boots now it’s rubbing shoulders with the big guns of British entertainment, it’s being shown after Newsnight at 11:20 – the TV equivalent of the naughty step. “You may be the Big I Am over on satellite,” the BBC seems to be saying, “but over here, you’ll wait your turn until after Paxman’s had his say.”
Let’s hope this idiotic scheduling decision won’t last past series one. After all, there’s a nice, juicy slot at 9:00 p.m. on Wednesdays that’s currently occupied by the thoroughly rancid Heroes.
Come on, BBC! PULL YOUR DAMNED FINGERS OUT OF YOUR ARSEHOLES!
Anyway. To celebrate the coming to terrestrial TV of that black fella, that other, drug-dealing black fella, that mixed race oriental lesbian one, that one in charge who looks like a corpse and him off of 300, WWM turns its beady stare on the seedier side of life.
We want to know if you, the thieving, murdering, looting, pillaging, car tax-evading, benefit frauding readers of this ‘ere Watch With Mothers, have ever committed a crime.
Did you bludgeon granny to death for her pension money? Is dad buried under the patio? Are you and your sister indulging in the love that dare not speak its name, Dave?
Or did you simply give a copper some lip and end up hammering drunkenly on the door of a police cell after being arrested on a public order charge? And then have to stump up an £80 fucking fine at Sheffield police station in order to avoid the matter ending up in court? The rat bastards. All I said was the fucker looked like he should be picking shit out of his anus behind a perspex screen in Twycross Zoo. This country’s being run by Nazis, it really is.
Anyway …
‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, what’s all this then?
WWMers, it’s over to YOU …
Tags: Bubbles, Crime, Culture, Law, McNulty, Media, Television, The Friday Question, The Wire, TV, UK
Watch With Mothers 
April 9, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I’m Jack the ripper.
April 9, 2009 at 12:02 pm
well, i was:
a) brought up by a copper and
b) a surly teenager
so i used to give coppers lip all the time.
When i first learned to drive, my dad (who at the time was in the control room) would think it hilarious to get me pulled over in his car by the new boy. Him and his mates would all listen and laugh while he tried to accuse me of stealing the car.
I have also been arrested whilst exercising my democratic right to protest. More than once.
April 9, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Spack the Nipper, more like it.
April 9, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I used to be friends with a bunch of coppers, and they were, to a man, a pack of dickheads.
April 9, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Jack The Stripper, actually, is my name on weekends.
April 9, 2009 at 12:06 pm
My dad, beyond the usual embarrassing of his teen daughters and crap dad jokes, is not a dickhead.
A lot of his mates were, mind you.
April 9, 2009 at 12:06 pm
They’re all on the fiddle, these bobbies. I seen it on the Zed Cars.
April 9, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Only crime I commit, ironically enough, I tend to do while watching television programmes like The Wire and The Sorpanos.
(Peadophilia)
April 9, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I thought you were a toker and always out of your box on all cake Ug?
April 9, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I’m thinking of taking a leaf out of Al Murray’s book and declaring myself officially dead for tax purposes.
April 9, 2009 at 12:09 pm
That’s correct Mel. I’m currently suffering from an acute case of Czech Neck.
*wobbles*
April 9, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Czech neck?
Is that fun, or an affliction like Piqued’s or Nappers’ various ailments?
April 9, 2009 at 12:11 pm
anyway, so is that 2 crimes then Ug?
April 9, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Czech Neck causes your neck to retain so much water that it swells up and smothers you.
It’s pretty nasty, actually.
April 9, 2009 at 12:12 pm
You raving twat, Napoleon.
April 9, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Only One I can think of off the top of my head, Mel, which involves said toking.
April 9, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Oh, i was counting the paedophilia as one…
(only joking)
That Czech neck doesn’t sound like fun. I think i’ll pass on that one thanks.
April 9, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Dave – Don’t like it, do you? You incestuous worm. You should be ashamed of yourself.
April 9, 2009 at 12:20 pm
(for tax purposes)
April 9, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I aren’t never been in trouble with no copz.
I think I may be in trouble off of Mel though.
Are we friends again?
*produces bunch of flowers*
April 9, 2009 at 12:22 pm
mel – what was it like being brought up by a surly teenager?
at age 14 narissa trenning and i poked our fingers through an easter egg in target at the carousel shopping centre in perth. over the tannoy boomed, ‘security to easter section, security to easter section’. at that point my pants turned the same colour as chocolate and we bolted, cycling furiously all the way home whilst looking over our shoulders for the coppers.
from that point on i’ve been too scared to do anything bad again.
i jaywalk LOTS, though.
April 9, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I wouldn’t mind, Napoleon, but you’re the one with the hot sister, judging from those saucy pics from your blog.
April 9, 2009 at 12:24 pm
*feels Dave vs Napoleon fight brewing*
I’ve never been arrested.
However, I’ve been:
>Caught in possession of a quarter ounce and made to throw it all down a manhole. By BASTARDS.
>Picked up by the rozzers for being drunk and incapable in the middle of the road, in a pool of my own vomit with an empty litre bottle of vodka in my hand. They went to put me in their car to drive me home then realised I was outside my own house.
>Driven home after getting beaten up by every driver in a Sheffield based taxi rank.
>Told off by a female police officer for sitting in an ornamental bathtub and singing My Delilah at the top of my lungs. Again, in Sheffield. On the Ecclesall Road.
>Told off by a male copper for piddling in the middle of a carpark in broad daylight.
>Threatened with arrest when attempting to interfere during a stop and search.
I think my angel face gets me out of big trouble, frankly.
April 9, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Well if we’re swapping that sort of story Breeks. Aged 6 I took some penny chews from the local shop, thinking that my mum had paid for them at the till. Walking home mum noticed me eating the sweets and asked where I got them from. When I explained mum said that I had, in fact, stolen them. I spent the rest of the evening crying and choking on the guilt-coated sweets with a tight ball of worry developing in my stomach. I took the remaining sweets and the exact money for the eaten sweets to the shopkeeper the next day and spilled the beans to him. He laughed his head off.
April 9, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I’ve been arrested for drunk and disorderly, receiving stolen goods and violating the terms of the all-encompassing Public Order Offences act the Nazis use to lock you up for swearing or getting shirty with an apeman in a police costume. I haven’t been arrested (yet) for tax evasion, sundry highway offences, GBH or smuggling.
April 9, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Be nice, SH, if WWM could organise some sort of taxi service between blogs. I’m not as young as you lot.
April 9, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Sorry, I meant posts. All this too-ing fro-ing has confused me
April 9, 2009 at 12:34 pm
i used to spent hours F5-ing old posts before realising there was a whole other world happening on the other side.
hours.
wasted.
i am trying to think of other crimes. obviously i’ve committed heaps crimes against the word of jesus and god and the spirited ghost or whatever. i’m proud of those ones.
April 9, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Breeks – it was RUBBISH, and NO_ONE UNDERSTOOD ME. and they said I HATE YOU and IT”S NOT FAAAAAIIIR. A lot
Clarry – thanks for the flowers. we are friends again *offers pinkie finger shake (after thorough hand wash)*. I promise never to talk about serious things again.
Nappers – what stolen goods?
Piqued – surely given the state your head is in today, it would not be hard today. Put you in a round room and tell you to piss in the corner, and all that.
April 9, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Should we appeal to SH to have an indication of a new post at the bottom right of the page (as well as at the top right)?
April 9, 2009 at 12:42 pm
*accepts pinkie shake WITH germs*
That’s how much I care, yeah?
April 9, 2009 at 12:43 pm
or, radically, he could just let us know by POSTING it in comments so we don’t keep hanging around an old post when there’s a cooler, younger, better looking one to hang around.
April 9, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I had no chance as a nipper. Dad was a copper, mum is a catholic.
I remember being on holiday somewhere in Blighty when i was about 5, and we were in a supermarket. I saw some yoghurted peanuts, that i *really* wanted to try. My parents refused to get me any, so i snuck back and ate one out of the pick n mix. We all carried on with the shopping, but then i got THE GUILT. My inner voice kept telling me that i had stolen that peanut, and that i was an abomination before god.
A bit later i realised that, technically, it is only shoplifting if you took the goods out of the store. So i made myself sick.
The adult me realises that this was probably a much worse crime than the ‘theft’ of a single yoghurted peanut.
If you were the poor unfortunate supermarket employee that had to clean up almost an entire aisle of vomit from me, then i apologise profusely. Who would have thought that someone so little could produce so much puke?
April 9, 2009 at 12:45 pm
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/apr/09/ethical-living
April 9, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Bah.
April 9, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I was told off by a police officer for knocking off a coke bottle that was balanced on top of a bin and laughing at it.
April 9, 2009 at 12:52 pm
They’ll get you for that sort of caper, Ugeine – that’s worse than grand theft.
April 9, 2009 at 12:54 pm
c’mon, someone else must have been done for something? Surely NC and I are not in an exclusive club here?
Could we extend this WWMFQOAT to our neighbours? Do you live near anyone dodgy?
SH – you live in Dalston, you must have a few good tales
April 9, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Mel – I shared a house with a bloke who turned out to be a burglar. I went out and he hid a load of nicked shit unde my bed. The police raided the house, found it and jumped to conclusions.
Lee Fennesey, if you’re reading this (I doubt it, seeing as you can’t read), you’re a motherfucker and I hope you BURN IN HELL.
April 9, 2009 at 12:56 pm
hi everyone. i was almost asboed for being incredibly drunk and trying to go in to a stranger’s home. the police let me run because it was christmas. and they drove me home. bless’em.
April 9, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I was once caught ‘liberating’ most of the fishing fleet from Weymouth harbour…
April 9, 2009 at 12:56 pm
SH: Considering I was off my mash at the time, I escaped lightly. I have had a few run ins with the police that didn’t end in arrest, mind.
April 9, 2009 at 12:56 pm
ouch, that is not good Nappers. I thought you’d been caught with your collection of knickers off of washing lines.
April 9, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Nah, that’s more Dave’s style, Mel.
April 9, 2009 at 12:58 pm
when i was younger (=a bastard) i stole a year from a young woman… i got better and i haven’t seen her since.
April 9, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Indy – were you pretending to be father christmas, or were you trying to pee on the stranger’s house?
April 9, 2009 at 1:00 pm
mel: i was trying to force my key through her lock (not a metaphor) and not very well. funny thing is she stood there looking at me thru her window while calling the coppers. i’d gladly f*cked off if she’d just told me to.
April 9, 2009 at 1:00 pm
You stole a year?
April 9, 2009 at 1:01 pm
np: yes, we hanged out for a year and then i left her.
April 9, 2009 at 1:02 pm
…and now i’m off. happy easter or something!
April 9, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Ugeine – talking of being off your mash and the fuzz not noticing, I was driving along the A17 (my first time tackling snow) and thought the best way to deal with it was to go as fast as possible, resulting in me slaloming across both lanes and all over the shop, eventually coming to a stop sideways on the embankment.
Police stopped me, gave me tips and drove behind me to make sure I was ok for two miles, as I drove along with an eighth wedged between the cheeks of my bottom, going out of my mind.
April 9, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I got nicked and banned for speeding. Doesn’t really count though does it
April 9, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Oh, I see. In that case, I’m getting on to Lincolnshire Police about the eight years lifted off of me by my ex-girlfriend.
MAY SATAN HIMSELF STRIP THE FLESH FROM HER TITS DAILY FOR ALL ETERNITY!
April 9, 2009 at 1:04 pm
I was wondering what happened to 2002
April 9, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Piqued – it was still AGAINST THE LAW though right. So that counts doesn’t it?
April 9, 2009 at 1:05 pm
SH: Heh!
April 9, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Yes, but it wasn’t really my fault.
April 9, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Piqued, shouldn’t that be ‘it wasn’t really my fault honest guvnor’
April 9, 2009 at 1:12 pm
One of my mates was deported from america for having an eighth on him at Miami airport. His mum and dad took him there to celebrate him getting a degree.
April 9, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I very nearly got caught with a j. Another time I spent two hours looking through a hedge for 4 bens and a couple of henrys after a close encounter.
April 9, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Why would you take an eighth to America? That’s a bit of a silly billy move, right there.
April 9, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I was bricking m’self when I came back from Prague in the mid-90s with a suitcase stuffed to the gills with pornography covered over with one shirt to fool the x-ray machine.
April 9, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I drove into the side of a car in a pub car park (not on purpose) and did some really nasty damage to it. Then drove away without ‘fessing up. I’m still ashamed, some 15 years later.
April 9, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Hang on! This isn’t just an elaborate sting is it?
Talking of the wire, my company’s just given a speech about how we have to do more with less.
April 9, 2009 at 1:20 pm
A colleague of mine nearly got us strip searched. He is completely potty about dogs, and we were on a train going across the border. Then along the aisle comes this very cute spaniel, on a very long lead. He was trying to get it to sit in front of his chair and talk to him, before i pointed out that on the other end of that long lead were two massive German Border Police, that we were on a train leaving Amsterdam, and that this was the drug dog.
If that dog’s arse had touched the floor, they would have been pulling on the gloves before you could have said ‘good boy’
April 9, 2009 at 1:23 pm
That’s fine, Nappers – X Ray machines are notoriously poor at seeing through shirts. Gamma rays can’t pierce cotton poyester mixes.
April 9, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Ug, you could have a point. Now i feel like that bloke on that Donal Mckintyre programme (that was shown again recently on Dutch TV) who knew the game show was a sting, and refused to come, until they turned up for him in a limo.
April 9, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Lucky I didn’t confess to kinapping that girl in Portugal…
April 9, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Sort of Mel. It wasn’t my bike, it was my ex’s brothers and this thing had the same cc’s as a mini. I’d only been on it for 2 mins, unaware I had a plain-clothes camera car behind me that clocked me doing 80 from standstill in a 30 restricted area in the time it takes to blink.
Beak told me I was lucky to not get 2 months custody for dangerous driving. But because I’d put my hands up to it on the spot, no previous and my statement simply said, ‘sorry, I’m really very sorry’ I only got a month ban and 6 points, fine was £800 –I was a student at the time in those days £800 could buy you a fucking house, or something.
April 9, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Who – I did a similar thing to that a few years back. I drove a Peugeot 205 into the side of a Morris Minor, then drove away and hid in the countryside until I sobered up. Never owned up to it.
April 9, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Sorry for my punctuation, I feel all shit
April 9, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I worked at a school in my younger days and crashed the minibus into a car and drove off thinking I’d get away with it. Unfortunately the name of the school was emblazened down the side of the bus.
I was pretty stoopid in dem days
April 9, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I drove my van through a Little Chef fence
April 9, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Dave – i take it that is you. Can you clear something up for me please.
Is this new moniker Ginger Loves Pud or Ginger Love Spud? Either works, but they do convey different things.
April 9, 2009 at 1:38 pm
I killed a man, just to watch him die.
April 9, 2009 at 1:39 pm
There’s more than one ginger haired twat in the blogosphere, Mel. Not guilty.
April 9, 2009 at 1:41 pm
And I’ve emailed the exciting new lookalike picture to you, SH.
April 9, 2009 at 1:42 pm
I am partial to a potato now and again.
April 9, 2009 at 1:43 pm
sh – i lost 2002 also. i thought you had it.
whenever i have a cold i drink cough syrup without measuring it first. that’s quite bad.
during the course of my career i’ve had cause to spend quite a lot of time in various prison type places (women’s, men’s, yoof’s) and came very quickly to the conclusion that prison officers were, fairly much to the (wo)man, an awful bunch. even that tom hanks one on the greenish mile.
April 9, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Yep, I drove into a fence and flattened it as well (same car, actually). I did own up to that one, because the whole street came out to see what I’d done, so I couldn’t escape quickly.
I’m making m’self sound like a right menace on the roads, aren’t I?
*cleans glasses*
April 9, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Got half heartily chased by the police for pissing on Liberty Xs tour bus. I think they had sympathy.
Used to shoplift fairly often when i was younger. Just minor stuff. It’s REALLY easy.
April 9, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Who, were you pissed?
If not, do us all a favour a get the bus, eh?
(Of course if you were pissed it’s fine.)
April 9, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Apologies Dave and Ginger. For the record, i did not accuse anyone of being a twat, and was just wondering where the natural breaks in the name should be. It helps me when i have a picture in my head to know which of these names apply.
April 9, 2009 at 1:50 pm
So now you’re just picturing a ginger twat brandishing a potato?
April 9, 2009 at 1:50 pm
The only ginger, to my mind, that’s not a twat is he from the Wildhearts. But it’s your fault we’re twats. You subvert us with all yer name calling and playground antics.
*embraces gingerlovespud and weeps*
April 9, 2009 at 1:51 pm
No, just baaaaad driving, Piqued.
I haven’t been on a bus since about 1989. Isn’t it all technified now, so I’ll need some sort of bar code burnt onto my forehead before they’ll even let me on?
April 9, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Oh dear, i know that this was from an old TFQ, but if austin had looked more like this in my day http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2009/apr/09/austen-zombie-pride-prejudice
It wouldn’t have appeared on my list of never have i ever
April 9, 2009 at 1:55 pm
*salutes Excel for services to music*
April 9, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Breeks – remember what we concluded about sweeping generalisations yesterday? Mr C is one of those. And ginger. And is NOT a twat.
April 9, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Actually, I’ve been on more buses in the past year since I’ve had a hot dinners. Can I shock ewe, I like it. A lot.
(bar code on the forehead!? Oh that’s so noughties, these days it’s a simple hair sized processor chip that slips under the eyelid. Doctor Kraarg of TFL fitted mine personally beep)
April 9, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Mel – I heard about that book. Personally I think it’s a godawful idea. A genre’ll only stretch so far.
There still hasn’t been a zombie film or book as insightful as Let The Right One In is about vampires and it’s ABOUT BLOODY TIME.
April 9, 2009 at 2:02 pm
i forgot the caveat about ginger ones called mr c, clearly.
*is thoroughly told off*
April 9, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Not telling you off Breeks.
*gives tight, winding hugs*
It’s not a job i’d fancy. Interesting, but fucking horrible.
April 9, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Are you still writing your stories SH?
April 9, 2009 at 2:10 pm
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, “Don’t tell me, you want a toothpick too.”
“No, a straw,” says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, “Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff’s gone already”.
April 9, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Interview With A Vampire’s a good read.
I watched Wishmaster II last night and can’t believe I’ve never visited the franchise before. Brilliant fun.
April 9, 2009 at 2:12 pm
All gingers are twats, and they should all be forced to take a jizzbath as punishment for letting the side down. In fact, we should feed gingers to lions before they can breed and contaminate the rest of the human race with their evil poison.
April 9, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I am writing one of them big stories you get in books, Clarry.
April 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I’m listening to Jesus Lizard. Anyone remember them?
I’m not particularly enjoying it.
April 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm
i can’t breathe.
April 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm
‘I watched Wishmaster II last night and can’t believe I’ve never visited the franchise before. Brilliant fun.’
No, total and utter fucking shit, is what you meant
April 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I’ve been doing that too, Swineshead. Mine’s offensive to the memory of all those who fought on both sides of the Vietnam War. Is yours?
April 9, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I do SH, unnecessary they were
April 9, 2009 at 2:16 pm
We can’t all have taste, Piqued.
April 9, 2009 at 2:16 pm
jesus lizard? bad bad name.
April 9, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Nappers – mine’s offensive to Estate Agents, Recruitment Consultants and women.
Piqued – I thought you might. They’re hurty.
April 9, 2009 at 2:19 pm
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: “Hello mate, how are you doing?”
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn’t want to be rude, so I replied, “Not too bad, thanks.”
After a short pause, I heard the voice again. “So, what are you up to?”
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, “Just having a quick shit… How about yourself?”
The next thing I heard him say was, “Sorry, mate, I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.”
April 9, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Oh good.
April 9, 2009 at 2:20 pm
That’s quite good piqued.
April 9, 2009 at 2:22 pm
i just told the vomit joke to the office.
it were funny, like.
April 9, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Swineshead – Sounds good. Mine’s got Nazis, tits, dinosaurs fighting dinosaur / shark hybrids, dancing girls, prostitute spies, a lost city of gold, evil French people, the SAS, nude girls wrestling in chocolate and the single most appalling description of sexual intercourse ever laid down by man. With that line-up, the fucker’s practically writing itself.
April 9, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Piqued – that was most amusing. Laughed Out Lolled.
April 9, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Piqued was that a joke or was that in the realz wurld?
April 9, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Good joke there, Piqued. The missus even laughed, and she’s half-German.
April 9, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Nappers – have you dropped the plotline with the zombies in it? Is that because Jane Austin got there first?
April 9, 2009 at 2:26 pm
my head hurts. can my hangover finally have arrived?
bastard.
April 9, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Mel – I could easily toss some zombies in there. My working title is ‘The Worst Novel Ever Written’, so anything’ll fit into the stinking pile of rubbish I’ve hammered into my keyboard over the last few months.
*adds in zombies*
April 9, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Napoleon – you realise it’ll be hailed as an ironic masterpiece of bad taste and you’ll become a misunderstood hero?
Rather you than me.
Mine’s got a few bits with snuff VHSs in it. And loads of dead, underage girls. Proper wank-fodder.
April 9, 2009 at 2:28 pm
SH – when i was back in that london the other week i genuinely heard two kids on the bus *say* lol intsead of laughing. It was kind of odd.
April 9, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I don’t want to be a misunderstood hero.
April 9, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I read Medlo’s mate’s script the other day. It’s good. Lots of killing.
April 9, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Oh NC, it is just that the last time you mentioned that book, you had set the zombies up to fight the rubbish dinoshark you keep hawking around.
I am glad that you have decided to call it the Worst Novel in the World, and that all the contents are alos ruibbish. Except maybe the chocolate. Which is not so rubbish.
April 9, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Mel – A friend of mine says ‘he’ instead of ‘if’ based on predictive text. She’s approaching 50 and from Barbados. I think all her mates do it too.
Is it?
April 9, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Napoleon – Ever seen Zombie Flesh Eaters? A zombie fights a shark. It’s a tie.
April 9, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I’ve seen that, how the fuck did they shoot that?
April 9, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Mel – When I was writing the dinosaurs vs. dinosaur-sharks bit, I forgot I originally planned to have it fighting zombies. It doesn’t really matter, mind. I can always stick the zombies into the bit where the SAS are fighting the Nazis in the Vietnam War. Nobody’ll notice because they’ll be too busy writing letters of complaint over a bit I’ve written about Marie Curie.
April 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm, and says to the bar keep ‘I’ll have a pint please, and one for the road’.
(both jokes just got a mega rofl and a lol and even a lmao (and a few vomiting sounds) in the office, Thanks guys)
April 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm
i think a better hybrid, if you were to insist on one,would be a zombie shark. I bet they would be almost unstoppable killing machines.
Swines – i used to work with someone that said is it before he said anything. WE actually thought his name was izit on his first day, because that is what he used to reply when someone said hello, i’m bob, what’s your name?
April 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I’d stop discussing your book now, Napoleon. It sounds fucking amazing and you’ll not want the idea copied.
April 9, 2009 at 2:37 pm
There you go. I wouldn’t want to be accused of stealing off of Zombie Flesh Eaters. Here, there’s not a bit where Hitler gets the Eiffel Tower shoved up his arse, is there?
April 9, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of £2 and we will send you the video; it’s fucking hilarious!
April 9, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I won the Canadian Lottery the other day. Weirdly, you have to send off your claim to a company based in Nigeria.
April 9, 2009 at 2:40 pm
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
April 9, 2009 at 2:42 pm
My grandmother died of Altzheimer’s, Piqued.
April 9, 2009 at 2:42 pm
There isn’t, Nappers. So you’re safe.
Piqued – no idea. You gave me the DVD as I recall as a birthday treat.
It’s a real shark and it’s all underwater. It’s amazing.
April 9, 2009 at 2:42 pm
You’d not have thunk a shark could be trained to eat a zombie.
April 9, 2009 at 2:43 pm
*rolls*
April 9, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Piqued, stop reeling off jokes because you’re too hungover to forma coherent thought. Put some effort in, boy.
April 9, 2009 at 2:43 pm
On cue, like. I should have added that. Obviously a shark’ll eat owt.
April 9, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Except Australian Cattle dogs, apparently. Shouldn’t have added that too.
April 9, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Should have added that, not shouldn’t.
April 9, 2009 at 2:46 pm
SH – WHat would your score be on Mastermind if you went on and chose ‘ZOmbies’ as your specialist subject?
April 9, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I have to say, I’m really not firing on all cylinders
April 9, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I’ve this idea for a Twitter-style site called ‘Everybody’s Farted’. You go on there and you tell people you’ve just farted. A typical conversation would go:
bigdick1975: I’ve just farted.
princesstigerlilly126731173278: I’ve just farted.
Stephen Fry: I’ve just farted.
princesstigerlilly9023475904: I’ve just farted.
bigdick1982: I’ve just farted.
tonyoftheD: u going out 2nite?
Obviously that last one would have to be booted off by the moderators.
April 9, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Have you ever read the zombie survival guide SH?
April 9, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Naps – Call me lazy (I can’t remember where to find it) but is there any more news on Noel and his diary?
April 9, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Should be back on your screens within a couple of weeks, Clarry.
April 9, 2009 at 2:53 pm
LOL@STEPHEN FRY LOL!
April 9, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Ug – I’ve read that. it’s a bit dry but good fun, especially the case studies. World War Z is pretty excellent.
Clarry – pretty mediocre I’m afraid, I’ve only seen half of Fulci’s stuff as it’s a bit ropey here and there. He’s the God of zombie film-makers.
April 9, 2009 at 2:56 pm
my grandfather died of alzheimer’s. on xmas day, a day we’ll never forget.
ironic.*
*is it?
April 9, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Do the undead have a god?
April 9, 2009 at 3:00 pm
This clip is both timely and genius. I couldn’t breath for laughing.
April 9, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Mel – Yes they do. He’s called ‘Urethroar’, and instead of a head, he has a golden jet of piss shooting constantly from his neck hole.
April 9, 2009 at 3:01 pm
that’s quite good, naps.
is the piss really golden? could mel boil it?
April 9, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Mel – They’re pretty graphic symbol of a godless universe, I’d say. That’s why there’s a great existentialist novel to be written in the genre by someone cleverer than what I am.
April 9, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Breeks – i think i can boil piss at a thousand paces when enraged
April 9, 2009 at 3:03 pm
even actual golden piss?
April 9, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I Am Legend went all existential at the end of it – is that right? The book, not any one of the three films.
April 9, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Swineshead – Couldn’t you write it and put Urethroar in there? Fighting, I dunno, the Mongols?
April 9, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Is I Am Legend the one where Will Smith has to kill his dog when it comes out all zombificated? That was tripe, was that. I much preferred the one where him and Kevin Kline were fighting a handicapped Kenneth Branagh in the old days.
April 9, 2009 at 3:08 pm
golden, green, blue, orange, purple.Piss of all colours Breeks. I am an equal piss opportunities enrager
April 9, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Wild Wild West? You arsefaced bastard, that almost ruined Will’s film career and it forced him to decline the roll of Neo in The Matrix. Fuck you.
Still, I do enjoy looking up Wild Wild West on Wikipedia. Just because it’s a Wiki Wild Wild West. YES!
April 9, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Hmm, although having just googled the boiling point of gold (2807 degrees celcius – FACT) I would have to be a bit more than slightly irked to manage that one.
April 9, 2009 at 3:09 pm
s’what i wondered. do you boil it with your eyezez?
April 9, 2009 at 3:11 pm
no, by gettibng all hot and angry. Like the Incredible Hulk, you wouldn’t like me when i’m all hot and angry
April 9, 2009 at 3:12 pm
That’s the one, Dave. There’s this good bit where Kenneth Branagh’s invented this giant, steam-powered spider robot thing. I wouldn’t want to meet that bugger up a dark alley.
And Salma Hayek’s quivering bosom features prominently too. Can’t ask for much more out of a film in my book.
April 9, 2009 at 3:12 pm
There’s an existential element to the book, Dave. But the film? Nope. The end is quasi-Christian bollocks. They changed the last sequence wholesale. The arseholes. The book’s brilliant.
April 9, 2009 at 3:13 pm
The Wire, eh? It’s a bit shit, really. All that out of focus, shaky hand job stuff. Never mind the mumbling. If I wanted to stagger about listening to incoherent dribbling, I’d just take two steps out my front door.
April 9, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Ask The Dust. Seen that? I’m stuck with that, because it’s a rotten adaptation of an all time great book BUT it features Salma Hayek in the buff.
Swings and roundabouts.
April 9, 2009 at 3:14 pm
wow, you’d have to go that far Mr H?
April 9, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Yeah. Not seen the film but in the book he becomes the parasite and the zombies become all the norm. There has to be something profound in that.
April 9, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I didn’t notice any out-of-focus, shaky hand job stuff. Are you sure you weren’t watching Saving Private Ryan?
April 9, 2009 at 3:15 pm
The thing is, Mr H, your opinion counts for shit.
April 9, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Swineshead – In the buff? Tops and tails?
April 9, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Dave – don’t read the book – Mel’s just ruined it.
They’re vampires really, aren’t they Mel? Loads of vampires.
April 9, 2009 at 3:17 pm
SH: You mean it was fake? I destroyed the staircase in my house and spent the last four years practicing daily with a katana for nothing?
April 9, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Nappers – Nude in the sea. Can’t remember how graphic but there is nork action. Apparently the same can be said of that one where she’s a painter with a moustache instead of eyebrows.
April 9, 2009 at 3:18 pm
wire = good
saving private ryan = not good
mr h = talking shit
zombies = always, forever cool
salma hayek = nicely accented
mel’s piss = boiled
5pm = nearly
April 9, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I’ll tell you a bloody good adaptation of a bloody good book: Moonraker. Alright, the film’s got fuck all to do with the book, but that hardly matters. The book’s ace, and the film has Jaws in space and him off of The Name of The Rose as the bad guy. And there’s this bit where a pigeon does a comedy double-take. And the bird in it’s 70s superlicious-lookin’.
April 9, 2009 at 3:19 pm
I’ve read the book, SH. And they are zombies. I don’t care what Matheson thinks.
April 9, 2009 at 3:20 pm
You what? Did i do something bad again?
My last comment was about Mr H not needing to leave his front door to see gibbering idiots, and the one before that was about the Incredible Hulk.
Sorry if the end of the book was hidden in those last two things. Might be a bit shit if the end is that the incredible hulk gets angry.
April 9, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I enjoyed Saving Private Ryan.
April 9, 2009 at 3:20 pm
saving private ryan = not good
How do you square that?
April 9, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Swineshead – I didn’t want to see that painting one because I’d rather see Salma Hayek as a lovely bit o’ skirt as opposed to a una-browed flibbertygibbert with a moustache. Nude or not, that just ain’t cricket.*
*not sexist
April 9, 2009 at 3:26 pm
And there’s this bit where a pigeon does a comedy double-take.
*runs to isohunt*
April 9, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Mel – I was talking about your I Am Legend spoiler, but it’s alright, Dave’s read it and clearly didn’t understand it, as the monsters are vampires that only come out at night. The bloody idiot.
April 9, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Shaving Ryan’s privates: Ay good?
April 9, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I didn’t mention I am legend. Whoever the spolier was, it wasn’t me. I haven’t read it, but i heard that the incredible hulk gets angry.
April 9, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Saving Private Ryan was good until it got to the half hour mark. Then it went silly.
Unless it’s a true story.
Was it a true story?
The Changeling was a fucking stupid film till I checked it on wikipedia and it turned out it was totally true.
April 9, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Wire very good indeed…I am becoming one of those boring people talking about it.
April 9, 2009 at 3:29 pm
It sees this jet-powered gondola in Venice.
(I realise this makes the film even more enticing)
April 9, 2009 at 3:33 pm
It’s at the end of this:
The gondola’s not jet-powered, I got that done wrong.
April 9, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Ugeine – Nah, it’s shit.
April 9, 2009 at 3:34 pm
I just checked, Mel. It wasn’t you that spoiled the book Dave’d already read for Dave, it was Dave.
Dave’s a fucking idiot.
*is going out of his own mind*
April 9, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Saving private ryan , i did not enjoy so much…did anyone see that awful film last Saturday…The day after tomorrow…it was absolutely dreadful.
April 9, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Mel – When you watch the Apprentice, let me know what you think of Ben’s science bits. The science he reckons he came up with to underpin the whole, useless project.
April 9, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I went to the cinema to watch The Day After Tomorrow. Really, it should have been called ‘Dennis Quaid Goes For Walk When Weather Turns Choppy + Rubbish CGI Wolves’.
Actually, if it had had that title, I’d have still gone to see. it.
April 9, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Another Twitter-type site could be called ‘I’d Leave It Ten Minutes If I Were You’. You’d go on there, tell folk you’ve just defaecated in the upstairs toilet, and that they’d best leave it a good ten minutes before using it themselves.
No doubt Stephen bloody Fry’d dominate proceedings.
April 9, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Ok Clarry i will do. I take it i will be talking to the wind if i reply tomorrow though? Since you guys are all on bank holidayssss
If so, Happy Easter/ Spring festival to you all.
April 9, 2009 at 3:42 pm
I started watching it slowly realising it was bad, but I had to see it out. Sheer unmitigated rubbish.
April 9, 2009 at 3:42 pm
i saw it at the cine, too, and i forgive myself for that. what is harder to forgive is going to the cinema to see that arse-flavoured piece of affleck bread called paycheck.
here you go – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0338337/
April 9, 2009 at 3:42 pm
when i was 15 i was arrested for shoplifting. locked in a cell, finger printed, nterviewed and formerly cautioned.
haven’t broken the law (much) since.
April 9, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I didn’t mind the bit where everything freezes up. I’d have been happy to watch that for two hours. I like watching major world cities getting fucked over in films. They should just make a film of that. I’d watch it.
April 9, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I love the stories of Philip K Dick (paycheck),have not seen the film…recommend his books anyday.
April 9, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Actually one of the worst films i ever saw was Moulin Rouge. I only caught the last 5 minutes of it, but thought that some haory old whore in a whorehoouse in paris should have died of syphilis rather than TB. It would have been much funnier.
April 9, 2009 at 3:46 pm
i have not bothered to watch many of nicole’s fillums. she’s a bit shit.
April 9, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Nappers – isn’t that one of the kyonosiquatchi series of films? I can’t spell them, but the music is by philip glass, and they all show apocolyptic scenes
April 9, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Breeks – You think that’s bad. I paid cash-money to watch the Affleck fart his way through Pearl Harbour. I only went because I:
a) Wanted to see some ultra-violent WWII blood ‘n’ guts.
b) Was hoping I’d get an eyeful of the lovely Kate Beckinsale’s knockers.
Neither of these things happened.
One of the worst films I’ve ever seen, quite frankly. Watching a fat child break wind for two hours would have been more entertaining.
April 9, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Agreed. When i was there, Australia had just been released in Australia. The papers were all up in arms about how it was a sanitised version of the way the cattle ranchers came and took over everything.
I thought to myself that it didn’t really matter, because it was a Baz Luhrmann film starring Nicole Kidman, so it was bound to be shit.
April 9, 2009 at 3:48 pm
DINLT – It’s fine to be a Wire bore. Embrace it. Feel its tide.
I’m reading a Philip Dick book at the moment, as it happens. Confessions of a Crap Artist
April 9, 2009 at 3:49 pm
pearl harbour’s another that crossed my ‘never will i watch that, not even if i’ve been in solitary confinement for 20 years and have had nothing to do since i got here but slowly eat my own hair’ radar.
lots like that.
mostly with affleck and nicole in ’em.
April 9, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Mel – I’ve never seen any of Pataaquotsiquatsofatso films. Do they feature Washington DC being attacked by giant robots?
April 9, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I’m reading one about a crusading New Orleans lawyer fighting the system. It’s tripe, but not as bad as the last one I read about a girl trapped in a caravan.
April 9, 2009 at 3:54 pm
no, they mostly feature scenes of man made destruction to pa philip glass soundtrack, nappers. In fact, that is all they feature. No dialogue, nothing imaginary. Just that.
Breeks – would that be your own hair one by one, or in a mad orgy of hair eating after you go stir crazy after all that length of time in solitary?
April 9, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Mel – That sounds shit. I want to see cities getting destroyed by aliens and meteors and shit.
I watched that ‘Knowing’ the other day. It only got good right at the end when New York was destroyed by a giant fire ball caused off of the sun.
Sorry, the above contains spoilers.
April 9, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I’m not currently reading a book at the moment. I tried to read The Conservationist the other day but fell asleep after the first page. Why should I give a fuck about African farmers, they don’t give a fuck about me.
And The No1 Ladies Detective Agency was more painful to read than one of those large turds you sometimes shit out that breaks your ring causing it to bleed.
April 9, 2009 at 3:59 pm
mel – one by one to start with, to eke things out, like, and then maybe a few hair-eating orgies here and there to spice things up.
April 9, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Dave – You should give The Pyrates by George MacDonald Frasier a go. It’s a cracker of a book for those who enjoy their reading material silly.
April 9, 2009 at 4:04 pm
HAPPY EASTERESSS
*drowns in chocolate*
*leaves*
April 9, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I’m off too. Have a good ‘un …
… actually, fuck that. I hope parasites bore down through your brains and eat your fucking eyeballs from the inside out.
April 9, 2009 at 4:06 pm
that is what i thought Breeks. I had considered the one by one approach, so that i knew how long i had been there, but then that would have meant that i would need to know how many hairs i had in the first place. I think i may have been thinking about this too much.
April 9, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Looks like Flashman. Which I can now happily say I’ve read. I even bought a copy for my sister’s boyfriend last year. And, no, that’s not just another way of saying I bought a copy for myself, you twat.
April 9, 2009 at 4:08 pm
NP: Seen Dead Or Alive?
April 9, 2009 at 4:08 pm
*blows nappers a big old kiss*
We love you too, NC
Happy easter again everyonesssss
April 9, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Glad I missed this one.
As I’m the only one here who uses his own name (kind of) I shall remain silent.
I may be performing crimes against music here http://www.ustream.tv/channel/nick-tanns-is-this-thing-on%3F this Sunday from 9 PM
You decide viewers. YOU DECIDE
April 9, 2009 at 5:45 pm
I’ve fixed a sporting event for betting purposes. I was the school bookmaker, and one year I was running a book on the house cross country. I paid one of the favourites – who is now a) my brother-in-law and b) a sergeant in Her Majesty’s police force – 10p not to win. He didn’t win.
April 9, 2009 at 8:11 pm
That’s literally the worse thing I’ve heard a police officer do in the last week.
April 23, 2009 at 1:21 am
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