Hell’s Kitchen 2009

by

marco pierre white hell's kitchen itv

There are teachers who, on your first day in their class, think it’ll benefit you massively if they act as though you’re already an advanced student. Thus, in your first ever French lesson Monsieur Higgins will regale you with an anecdote on how he refitted the bearings on his bicyclette and expect you to respond in kind. The PE Teacher will throw you into your first ever 11-a-side comptetive match as central defence and berate you when you prove hapless as you try to block the opposition’s christmas tree formation.

These teachers – who think putting you in a completely impossible position, watching you flail, rescuing you and mocking you for your lack of ability is an apt substitute for actual teaching – are bastards.

Marco Pierre White is one such teacher. Last night, he chucked his new staff of celebrities, has-beens and who-the-hells into an overlit kitchen and expected perfection, then gave his charges a subtle earful when they didn’t oblige.

Still, a bollocking from M. White isn’t half what it might be coming from one of his ex-students. Gordon Ramsay appears to have absorbed all that is negative from White – every poisonous mannerism and inflection – and nicked it wholesale for his own act. But where Ramsay is a hopeless joke of a man, an instant parody of himself with a routine that was starting to run thin five years ago, White himself is actually a balanced beast and often comes across as a wholly likable bloke. If only he’d stop wrapping those enormous Palestinian keffiyehs round his insane haircut.

Claudia Winkleman hosts, now ubiquitous to the point of omniscience. She takes over from the over-cynical Angus Deayton and injects a good dose of bland where old Ang’ only offered the viewer mockery for even watching in the first place.

Following last night’s episode, I’d be surprised if Winkleman’s make-up artist hasn’t been sacked as the treatment she appeared to have received at the end of an applicator brush made it seem she’d either been up all night weeping or was suffering from ocular hemorrhoids. It was difficult to look at her, full on, without feeling a twinge of unwarranted sympathy.

The show was uneventful, so let’s take a look at the contestants and their performance on the opening night of a show you won’t care about and probably won’t even catch in passing:

Adrian Edmondson
The most immediately recognisable, Ade is still the affable giddy goat with the posh voice and the nice line in fart gags. Burned his hand to a blister and didn’t moan much. I’ll only continue to watch if it can be guaranteed that he’ll win.

Jody Latham
Apparently an actor from Shameless, a show I’ve historically been told off for when admitting I’ve never watched it.

Ms. Dynamite
Christ – where’s she been? A definitive case of ‘whatever happened to?’, Ms. Dynamite appears having spent the last five years hidden in a shed.

Bruce Grobbelaar
That cheating goalkeeper with the moustache who wobbles about when he’s defending a penalty. Remained anonymous.

Grant Bovey and Anthea Turner
Appearing as a couple but not cooking together, Anthea Turner is Anthea Turner whilst her husband continues his campaign to prove himself Britain’s most tedious arsehole.

Linda Evans
American actress best known for Dynasty, Evans fell into default American-in-British-reality-show setting and remained statue-still whilst looking startled for the duration.

Danielle Bux
Lingerie model and wife of Gary Lineker. Very clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but very presentable. White immediately made her his right hand girl – so Lineker beware.

The latter two lost last night’s invisible challenge. Their punishment, as it turns out, will be that they’re out of the kitchen and waiting tables in the next episode.

Oh, the indignity.

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140 Responses to “Hell’s Kitchen 2009”

  1. breeks Says:

    meh.

    why aren’t you reviewing america’s next top model or something way more interesting? why?

    nice sunshine today, BIT LATE THO INNIT.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Because I’ve seen all of that series of ANTM and the wrong person wins, it’s the same thing every episode and Tyra Banks is a completely pointless methane emission.

    Do you want me to tell you who wins?

  3. breeks Says:

    no one wins cycle 12 yet….unless yo do, sh…

  4. Swineshead Says:

    I thought you meant 11. Thankyou for your valuable input this morning.

  5. breeks Says:

    anytime. you know i rock the intellectual stuff,,,,

  6. Napoleon Says:

    I watched all that Henry VIII stuff on Channel Four, so missed this. Did Adrian Edmondson do his Peperami voice?

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Zoo Babies? Monkey World? What’s Channel Five’s game this morning? Eh?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    There was no Vivian voice, just his usual Oxbridge plums…

    I know – a definite lack of Wright Stuff this morning, those swindling shits.

  9. Napoleon Says:

    He didn’t do the voice? That’s rubbish. I’m glad I watched Time Team instead … and those aren’t words you’ll read from most quarters. Digging fucking holes for an hour and a half. HOLES!

    Why isn’t there The Wright Stuff on? Are the kids on holiday this week, or something?

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Easter break? No idea, having never sired any spawn myself… I’ve never watched Time Team, as it happens. Any fun?

  11. Mel Says:

    Hello all, I am back from a glorious BH weekend – almost makes up for having to do work on Friday. I didn’t even pop in here, because i thought you’d all be out playing. And it turned out that you weren’t. Is that why you are a bit grumpy this morning SH?

    I just wanted to point out that Grant Bovey has some serious challengers for the title of Britain’s most tedious arsehole. I can thinnk of many examples. Perhaps we should establish ‘Tedious Arsehole Idol’ where we can all laugh at the rejects in the auditiond, then vote for the most tedious. We could make a fortune with that idea (BTW, Simon Cowell, I have patented it, so keep your big money grabbing hands off).

    People that could audition: Richard Dawkins (great scientist, tedious god botherer botherer), Richard Madeley, Peter Mandelson, oh that is just for starters…

  12. Napoleon Says:

    My apologies, but I’m watching Jeremy Kyle. There’s a couple on there who have named their child ‘Ocean’. Can’t somebody toss a grenade through Britain’s window, and put us all out of our misery?

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I’d throw Prince Harry’s dad in there. I forget his name. The ginger-haired fella wot was tupping Lady Di on the side. Him. Allegedly.

  14. indy Says:

    best antm season ever? season 3 if you ask me.

  15. Mel Says:

    Are you sure it is spelled ocean NC? A lot of peopl ethat like to give their kids “exotic” names are also very liberal with spelling. I was expecting something a bt more like o-sean, or similar.

  16. extremelisteningmode Says:

    That shameless bloke wants to make sweet lurve to Linda Evans. Possibly the most disturbing young bloke/old bird act since Jan Leeming and Toby Anstiss on IAC, though the Shameless bloke looked to be straight.

  17. Mel Says:

    Well if we are about pointless royals, then also Fergie. She is being very annoyingly tedious of late.

    Also Anthony Worral Thompson, who really should be told that looking like a slighly worn teddy bear freom the seconds factory does not give him an excuse to espouse his tedious opinion on what we should be paying workers, and immigrants and the like.

    I can sense floodgates opening on this one.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know how the kid’s name’s spelled, Mel. No doubt you’re right though. It’ll have some daft spelling. I pity teachers in a few years time.

    No I don’t. Fuck ’em. They should all have their pay slashed.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Why am I grumpy? I’m not grumpy.

  20. breeks Says:

    i like all the girl models who are a bit boy, mostly.

    awt’s barnes grill got closed down about 3.5hrs after the credit crunch was made official. i saw the posters go up as i rocketed past on the 72.

    i went to a driving range (for golf, though, not cars – why isn’t it called a golfing range?) for the first time this weekend. i went twice. my arms hurt but i found out i’m quite good at bashing balls a long way.

    call me tiger.

  21. Mel Says:

    Oh, i thought you were being grumpy about breeks’ valuable input, swines. However, *adopts Jerry Springer in ‘Final Thought” voice* last week, we all learned that it is difficult to read other people’s meaning in what they type, and subtleties can be lost. So i have got that wrong.
    Sorry

    *backs off*

  22. Mel Says:

    Hello Tiger, nice, up-to-date info on the AWT empire. He really is tedious, are you sure he didn’t just bore his customers away, credit crunch or no?

    Also tedious: BBC World service programming, they just have everything on a 2 hour loop. It is the same at 7.00 as it is at 11.00

  23. breeks Says:

    hey up melosio.

    maybe they’re just fiddling with timezones.*

    *i realise that makes no sense.

  24. piqued Says:

    I invented a terrible joke this morning

    Two woman, Rose and Cynthia, go for a job at a florist

    The manager interviews each one, ‘Mmm.’ he thinks, ‘which one shall I go for? Rose or Cynthia? Mmm, Rose… Rose…

    Fuck it,’ he says, ‘I’ll hyacinth’

  25. Napoleon Says:

    That’s not all that bad, Piqued.

  26. piqued Says:

    Thanks NC.

  27. myopiniononstuff Says:

    What’s Bruce Grobbelaar’s favourite dish?

    Spaghetti legs.

    You can have that one for free, Piqued.

  28. piqued Says:

    What the hell is ‘spagehetti legs’ you ponce

  29. myopiniononstuff Says:

    It’s that funny thing he did with his legs to confuse penalty takers.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    I suppose it’s not beyond the wit of pasta manufacturers to produce leg-shaped spaghetti.

  31. myopiniononstuff Says:

    “Spaghetti legs is when a girl likes to sleep around with as many people as possible! The spaghetti refers to her legs are always wet and ready for meatballs!

    Buy that girl a drink and she will turn into spaghetti legs! My friend likes to spaghetti leg around town! Stay away from her, she might have parmesan!”

    Courtesy of the ever reliable Urban Dictionary.

  32. Mel Says:

    Then that would technically be a paste shape, nappers. Spaghetti refers to the long tubular type of pasta.

  33. Mel Says:

    That is delightful Dave, thanks for that.

  34. myopiniononstuff Says:

    We have to maintain some kind of academic standard, Mel.

  35. piqued Says:

    Yes, but ‘spaghetti legs’ isn’t a dish is it?

    Here, take your joke, TAKE IT

    Nnnnnaaarrrghhh

    *flings back joke weakly*

  36. Napoleon Says:

    Mind you, that would make it something else, wouldn’t it? Whatever the Italian is for leg, like.

  37. breeks Says:

    there was some joke when drunk we came up with about hungry barbie dolls and the barbican.

    can’t remember it tho.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    Doesn’t it mean ‘worms’? Or is that something else?

  39. piqued Says:

    Italian for leg is probably lego

  40. Napoleon Says:

    I thought that’s how you translate into Spanish? Isn’t Italian the one where you add ‘i’ to the end of words? Like ‘trampolini’, ‘fish and chipsi’ and ‘mucki booksi’?

  41. breeks Says:

    depends, piqued, on whether tis girly or boyly leg, surely.

    lego or lega?

    leg up?

  42. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Austin Al-LEG-ro?

  43. piqued Says:

    Breeks is right. Maybe. The only word in Italian I know is Ducati

  44. Napoleon Says:

    Which ends in an ‘i’, see?

  45. gingerlovespud Says:

    I’ve just baked a pie and left it to cool near an open window

  46. Napoleon Says:

    That might get eaten by birds.

  47. piqued Says:

    ..or stolen by a character from the Beano

  48. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Or sodomised by a nineties teen movie character…

    (You’ll be pleased to hear I’m now buggering off for the day…)

  49. gingerlovespud Says:

    If anyone takes it, it’ll be desperate dan

  50. Nick of the T Says:

    I’m painting all week after plasterererer Lee Evans (well he looked and acted like him) gave us 5 new ceilings and nice flat new walls in 5 rooms.
    I was suprised at how good Wedding Crashers was. The Inbetweeners continues to be brilliant.
    Anyone catch Red Dwarf? No laugh track and was quite good.

  51. Thumper Plowman Says:

    “Gamba”. Italian for legs.

    “Spaghetti” means little strings or little cords.

    Isn’t “Lego” the Latin for “I make houses out of colored bricks”?

  52. Napoleon Says:

    So does that mean leg-shaped pasta would be called ‘gamba’? Or what it be ‘gambobino!’, said with a flourishing hand-gesture and a rush to sexually assault your wife?

  53. Napoleon Says:

    … would it be …

  54. Thumper Plowman Says:

    You don’t get leg-shaped pasta though; it’s difficult to do the knees.

  55. Thumper Plowman Says:

    Leg-shaped pasta would be something like “Gambetti” or “Gambine”

    “Vermicelli” is the one that means little worms

  56. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    The shops are open again, it’s safe to come out everybody!

    I totally agree on the Marco Pierre White bad teacher analogy. The best teachers try to sketch an outline of what will be learnt and say it in an inspiring way that makes the student want to learn. If Mr. White started a course like that, I’d walk out and demand my money back.

    But I guess that wouldn’t make good telly.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    That’s the worms stuff, is it? Bloody ‘orrible. Lots of Chineses fuck up Singapore Noodles by using vermicelli. IT’S TOO THIN, CHINESES PEOPLE!

    And they never take the arses out of the shrimps, neither.

  58. Mel Says:

    Take the arses out of shrimp – isn’t that where the good meat is? Why do you want to do that?

  59. Napoleon Says:

    That black line full of grit (shit), Mel.

  60. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Nappers, they must have thought you were Scotch and added it just for you.

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Either that, Wagonwheel, or the many, many Chinese takeaways I’ve bought Singapore noodles from have used the standard bags of frozen shrimps that still have their arse line in ’em available from all good Chinese supermarkets up and down the land.

    What is it about not getting rid o’ that? I was once watching a cooking show with Ken Hom on it, and he said it didn’t matter about removing the digestive tract from these prawns he was cooking. Why? Who wants to eat summat’s innards all full of poo?

  62. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I think you might end up on a list here, NC.

  63. ugeine Says:

    One man’s arse entrails are another man’s tasty snack. Us Brits happily snack on fried tablets of congealed pig blood, for instance.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t see how. I’ve ordered that damn meal from Chineses from Surrey all the way up to Scotchland, and the amount of damn times the shrimps have had their arses in beggars bloody belief. I now always ask for no shrimp, which is a shitter as I like shrimp.

  65. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – Yes, but black pudding’s not got gritty bits of shrimp shit in it, has it? I fail to see what that adds to a meal.

  66. ugeine Says:

    That’s my point, Napoleon, you wouldn’t.

    Otherwise I’d have said ‘One man’s arse entrails is the same man’s tasty snack’.

    Have you never seen a HSBC advert?

  67. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Well by the time your order got from Surrey to Scotchland, the shrimps might have needed another shit.

    HAHAH! A SEMANTIC JOKE! I’M A FUCKING RIOT!

  68. piqued Says:

    Ugeine, most countries call Black Pudding is called ‘Blood sausage’ and most countries have a type of it in one form or another

  69. piqued Says:

    My last mail read like shit, due to 12 hours sleep max since friday

  70. Napoleon Says:

    I had an enormous pork chop for my lunch. Gigantic, it was. I reckon it came off of a gentically modified pig. At last, the science of the future is trickling down to us consumer types.

  71. piqued Says:

    I’ve never had much luck with those, mine always end up like plasterboard

  72. ugeine Says:

    Cheers, Piqued.

  73. piqued Says:

    Sorry Ug, didn’t mean to patronise

    I’m shattered

  74. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Piqued – rub them with salt and pepper and shove them under the grill, turning once. Keeps ’em juicy and tasty.

  75. piqued Says:

    I do that already JQW, salt and pepper plaster board, un-yum

  76. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Hmm, well in that case you’d best just go with some shitted prawns.

  77. piqued Says:

    u barstarsd JQW

    *runs out in a flood of confused tears*

  78. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Don’t forget your prawns!

    *runs after piqued with shitted prawns*

  79. Nick of the T Says:

    Left over Dominos pizza and garlic pizza…..a little salad for balance.
    It’s what all good painters eat……

  80. Napoleon Says:

    Urgh. Can’t stand Domino’s Pizza. Too bloody sloppy and American for my liking.

  81. piqued Says:

    It’s not Pizza, it’s a lump of shit with shit on it in different shapes with some yellow shit over the lot

  82. Swineshead Says:

    What is ‘pizza and garlic pizza’?

    Pizza with all little pizzas on it? And garlic?

    Sorry it’s a slow day. I’m up to my balls in work. Luckily, two kievs are cooking away in the oven, so that’s heartening.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Only two kievs? Damn this credit crunch!

  84. Swineshead Says:

    I know – I got a Somerfield four pack but am having to save two – this economic crisis is shitting on me from quite a height.

  85. piqued Says:

    I bet Bat For Lashes leaves unflushable unmentionables in the loo after she’s been

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Bloody Gordon Brown and his mismanagement of the economy. Forcing a fella to eat a woman’s portion of kievs. Will we ever see the return of the three kiev dinner? The quantity God himself intended us to portion out our kievs.

    A DISGRACE!

  87. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I’ve not had lunch yet. I might just wait until dinner now.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    These young turks. I remember when I had a similar cavalier attitude to my lunch, Wagonwheel. Shall I? Shan’t I? Who cares, smash the system, down with the pigs, etc. You’ll learn the value of a hearty midday meal in time, young ‘un, you mark my words.

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Even if I’ve missed lunch, I’ll still have my lunch while I’m eating dinner. Usually pizza and garlic pizza.

  90. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’m enjoying my own personal ‘post-kiev’ era at the moment. I’ll eat nothing but Young’s battered cod.

  91. piqued Says:

    ‘I’ll eat nothing but Young’s battered cod.’

    That didn’t read right

  92. Napoleon Says:

    I like Young’s battered cod. That said, I haven’t seen it for a while. I’m beginning to suspect the supermarkets are stopping selling it to pretend to be more environmentally friendly.

  93. myopiniononstuff Says:

    It might have been haddock, actually. I tend to cremate my frozen food and smother it in half a bottle of ketychup anyhow.

  94. Napoleon Says:

    Haddock’s a nice fish.

  95. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Better than a pollock but not as nice as cod, I find. I’m a cod man.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    Can you get garlic pizza-flavoured fish? In a crispy kiev coating?

    *rings Bernard Matthews*

  97. Napoleon Says:

    Haddock’s far nicer than cod. More flavour to it, like.

  98. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I appreciate that but it’s not as fleshy, not in my experience. I was just raised to prefer cod, I’m sure all battered fish, and I include flat fish, have their merits.

    I just want it fresh and locally sourced, that’s all. None of this farmed muck either.

  99. piqued Says:

    It is NC, best of the lot is battered fanni

  100. piqued Says:

    ‘I just want it fresh and locally sourced…’

    You sound like a fucking Morrison’s advert

  101. Swineshead Says:

    I like the egg-fish.

  102. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Piqued – ‘Cheeky!’

  103. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve never had battered fanni. Frankly, it sounds like something Viz’d dream up. Is that real, or a carefully laid trap to trick one of us into saying they’ve never had a taste of … I’m sorry about this, ladies … a real fanny? If so, you should be fucking ashamed of y’self, Piqued. Bloody Christ only died a few days ago, like.

  104. myopiniononstuff Says:

    And that Italian bitch off of the new Grossman advert…

    ‘What language is he speaking?’

    Here’s a clue, the language you used to ask the fucking question.

    BOYCOTT ANYTHING IN THE LOYD GROSSMAN BOLOGNESE RANGE.

  105. Napoleon Says:

    Lloyd Grossman always struck me as a bit of a twat. I bet, if you met him, you’d walk away thinking:

    “What a twat.”

  106. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I cried at the millenium because the new century stopped me being able to do a decent Grossman impression. I could only say ‘welcome to master chef NOINTY NOINTY NOIN.’

  107. piqued Says:

    NC, I’m entitled to behave like a 13 year old due to lack of sleep.

    A couple in this office have just got engaged, her fat, him touched. Seriously considering stamping on his pills for the sake of humanity

  108. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Fat and touched (molested)…

    No wonder you’re regressing back to childhood…

  109. Nick of the T Says:

    The thin crust vege “supreme” is quite palatable. I can’t do those doughy fat sponges. Dominos do a mini pizza full of garlic and melted “cheese”. They should come with a defibrillator…
    Dickenson’s real deal eh Naps?
    I guess you saw it as the Gross-man’s add was played in the middle.

  110. Napoleon Says:

    Do you mean ‘touched’ in that he’s a bit of a Joey?

  111. piqued Says:

    ‘Fat and touched (molested)…

    No wonder you’re regressing back to childhood…’

    eh?

  112. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Nope. I’ve been listening to the radio all day. It was Dave wot mentioned Grossman first.

  113. Swineshead Says:

    I watched Emilio Estevez movie Maximum Overdrive again this weekend. That’s a shit film. But it’s got Burrell out of The Wire in it, making it very slightly interesting.

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Is that the one with the trucks? I like that one (if it’s the one with the trucks).

    I tried watching Burn After Reading, but turned it off after half an hour because it was drivel.

  115. piqued Says:

    I wonder what Bat For Lashes has for tea? I bet it’s meat heavy and fibre free.

  116. Napoleon Says:

    What’s this Bat For Lashes business? Is it something modern?

  117. Mr H Says:

    Easter was top! Saw Dragonabll Evolution* at the pictures, ate too much cake and went swimming in the actual ocean. Quality.

    * was more than adequate, considering I saw it on a weekday when I’m normally at work. Also solved the mystery of what happened to Chow Yun Fats career post Pirates of the Caribbean.

  118. Napoleon Says:

    Mr. H – I had no idea the Scotch could swim. Are you sure you weren’t just kept afloat by your considerable blubber and alcohol-induced fart gasses?

  119. Mr H Says:

    Bat For Lashes is modern slang for “crap musician too embarrassed to admit to crapness so hides behind pseudonym”.

    Bjork for younger readers of the Guardian, but without the alien charm and deft right hook.

  120. Mr H Says:

    Mr Perry – you are very, very close to the mark. Luckily the discharge from the sewage treatment plant prevents any actual contact with water. After all, we Scotch have an aversion to it.

  121. Napoleon Says:

    I suspected as much.

  122. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’ve seen Bat For Lashes live <<<ME

    Every track she did sounded the same and she wouldn’t finish her set for ages.

  123. Napoleon Says:

    So Bat For Lashes is a music, is it? My interest in that stuff has waned over the years. I used to like The Music when it was sung by people with hair like poodles / front parlour curtains, but not now it’s sung by miserable children who film ’emselves having oral sex just so they can put it on YouTube and fit in. The TWATS.

  124. piqued Says:

    Yes, NC, it’s trendy young people’s popular music, ‘indie,’ apparently… whatever that means these days.

    Fairs fair, she’s an inoffensive chirp but there’s something about her that leads me to conclude she’d smear an extra notch onto the Bristol Stool Scale.

  125. Nick of the T Says:

    The Boat that Rocked = Good

  126. Napoleon Says:

    Does she poo a lot, then?

  127. myopiniononstuff Says:

    She recorded her first album in a forest. She says so in every interview even know nobody fucking asked.

    ‘I recorded my album in a forest’, she always says.

  128. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Though, rather.

  129. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Here’s a picture of Ugeine getting involved in the Bat debate.

  130. Mr H Says:

    In a forest of what?

  131. Napoleon Says:

    The Boat That Rocked = Mawkish, unfunny, fatuous shit

  132. piqued Says:

    NC, I don’t know for sure. But I’ve a knack of correctly guessing who is the type to tirelessly turn out rigid gutmud on my geriatric nurse experience.

    Dave’s comment backs this up to some degree.

  133. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Mr H – Trees?

  134. Napoleon Says:

    Maybe it was written in a forest of pasta legs?

  135. ugeine Says:

    MOOS: I’m about as Goth as a Chuckle Brothers tour T shirt.

    HERS A PICTURES OF DAVESES BEEN WELL GAY ABOUT HIS FOOD:

    LAMO ROFL MEGALOL.

  136. ugeine Says:

    ‘The Boat That Rocked = Mawkish, unfunny, fatuous shit’

    Damned straight. I want that hour and a half of my life back.

  137. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’d be a ginger tom if anything, surely?

    EPIC FAIL FTW!

    Anyway, I’m off to play Trouble by Lindsay Buckingham…in my briefs.

    Not in a forest.

  138. ugeine Says:

    You’re actually ginger? I thought that was all banter.

    You don’t actually wank in the dark do you?

    Actually, don’t answer that.

  139. Napoleon Says:

    He does, Ugeine. Ask his mother (who he lives with). Yesterday, she walked in on him wanking over the new Doctor Who kid’s show with all the lights off. The sad thing was, he wasn’t even wanking over the lovely what’s her name off of EastEnders. He was tugging one off at the thought of a brand new Doctor Who unfolding before his eyes / lowered underpants / spunk-smattered cut-outs of Mr. Spock. It’s shameful.

  140. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I don’t like Doctor Who anymore, it’s rubbish.

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