The Apprentice 2009 – Episode 4


the apprentice 2009 noorul choudhury phillip taylor

I can’t help but worry about the environmental impact of the opening scene, week upon week. A handful of housemates all getting ready, hair tonging, power showering and hair-drying – it must make quite an impact on the national grid. And that’s in addition to gas-guzzling transportation requiring two or three cars for a completely needless trip to Kew Gardens on the outskirts of London Town. Don’t they care that they’re destroying God’s green Earth, damn it? Couldn’t they just have set up a few shrubs on the industrial estate they ended up at?

Those rotten Apprentice bastards.

But after some male make up application (wake up! This is 2009!), Kew Gardens was the destination of choice and Sugar announced that the teams would be dabbling in the world of cosmetics. Noorul was directly given the Team Leader position as he’d been ‘hiding’, charged with responsibility over Lovely Lorraine, Kimberly Cream Puff, Phreak Out Phillip, Horrorshow Howard, Jumping James and Mona ‘Sex Face’ Lewis. On the opposing side, Paula led the remainder and, from the outset, seemed like a model professional.

With the brief of inventing a beauty product which they would then have to sell directly to punters, Paula’s approach to management was at a worryingly high standard, as though we had an actual leader in the room. Her choice of a seaweed product went down alright and resulted in a rock pool jolly for some of the crew. While James was fiddling with some crabs, they realised they only needed a handful of the stuff and so their complimentary boiler suits and waders were somewhat over the top.

It was in the mix where their troubles started. Paula had delegated costing to evil princess Yasmina and that poisonous little plop, little Ben Clarke, who appears to willingly make himself appear more horrifically deplorable as the weeks pass. Ben admirably refused to do any of the work assigned to him and announced that he was slinking into the shadows for the rest of the episode – a firing offence in any other episode. This left two pairs of eyes on costings, both of which royally botched the job in hand. Would this have happened with the assistance of a third party? Ask Ben, if you can find him in the murky gloom, trying to appear industrious.

And oh! How Yasmina and Paula botched the ingredient mash-up. Where cedarwood oil costs less than £30 per kilo, they blindly opted for £1,400 per kilo sandalwood oil – which is akin to wandering into Frank’s Second Hand Cars on the lookout for a second hand VW Golf and driving off in a Lamborghini. Furthermore, it’s akin to driving off in that Lamborghini, rounding a corner and pretending to one another that the VW is a really nice drive for the low cost and only visibly showing any regret when Nick asks you to wind down the window of your own denial and gestures at the oncoming doom in the distance.

‘Anyway – I’ll leave it with you’ he said when he broke the news, having pointed out their ruin in no uncertain terms, swiftly leaving them holding the baby as he had every right to do. A delicious moment.

Over on Noorul’s team, the main man was stumbling. His face turned inside out, his lower lip becoming his brow which he then scowled at anything that spoke to him. If anyone dared to try to come up with even the barest outline of a plan, he employed a weakening grimace to throw them into despair. An interesting tactic.

His grumpy puppy face caused the rest of his team to jump up and start doing stuff, in tune with one another, so who are we I to criticise his technique? I had a French teacher who allowed us to talk over one another while he drew pictures of frogs on trains on the blackboard and everyone in that class passed… so sometimes even the strangest methods succeed. Even the ones that involve silent treatment and gurning with malice at those among your number.

While the other team rock-pooled at the seaside, Noorul’s kids went bee-hiving for the audience at home. With Lorraine stumbling about like a drunken bumblebee, they gathered a harvest for their product – what turned out to be a soap bowl containing pure honey, inexpertly wrapped in cellophane so that it inadequately held the sticky nectar within. It looked bloody awful.

The key interaction in Noorul’s team was between young Phillip and Kimberly, both of whom are opposed to one another in every conceivable way –  British versus American, soft versus harsh, calm versus energy… Instead of bickering in front of a terrified graphic designer, they should have gone through to a meeting room and had a quick, punishing sexy time to rid themselves of the sexual tension that was clearly running through their rampant veins. They’d come together because opposites attract. That ain’t bitching, just a natural fact.

Speaking of Phil, our man from the north is simultaneously finding his feet and collapsing. One minute he’ll make an inspired decision which contributes to a win, the next he’ll be rasping disagreement in an unprofessionally abrasive manner down a handset, ripping a few eardrums a new A-hole in the process. Last night, at one moment I could’ve sworn he was going to swing at the Cream Puff. He’s essentially a bright but unloved schoolboy in pinstripe – and quite funny to watch.

The selling process involved a ladyman who clearly wanted to be on TV, the GERMAN FOOD wagon from a previous series and the usual singling out of a hopeless seller. This time it was Noorul, who opted to go for the opposite of Lorraine’s insane word-gabble confusion and spoke in the most roundabout way to potential customers about the design and packaging of the soap, resulting in blank faces all round.

Ultimately and as suspected, it was the sandal / cedar confusion that made the result turn out the way it did. Making a loss of just under £70 quid, Paula chose toxic little Ben and the unusually silent Yasmina to join her for a knackering, as well she might’ve. At the top of the show, she’d assigned them the job of costing ingredients so it was seemingly a question of who would go – the fool who made the actual error or the unshaven moron who refused to do as he was told?

For television purposes, Paula simply doesn’t provoke the same skin-crawling reaction as Ben’s pompous superciliousness and probably wouldn’t have had as many male admirers as the elfin Yasmina. Her firing appeared to have been very much a Production agreement, as Ben – as far as I’m concerned – would have been shown the door at any normal business, by any untelevised management team. His approach in the boardroom is to check out what bassline Sugar’s pumping out on his Fender Jaguar and fill in the spaces with a few snarling riffs of his own. The only problem being, Sugar wants to solo. Ben clearly winds the boss man up, so the only reason he’s still there is that hollow reasoning we’re forced to assume every time a runtish little berk slimes his way out of a firing.

He ‘makes good telly’.

Personally, I can think of potential scenarios that’d make better telly than belligerent Ben repeatedly screaming ‘WILL YOU LET ME FINISH?’ – most of them involving more scenes of a honey-dripping Mona in the shower, perhaps joined by Yasmina – but crucially, it’s important that they don’t let the flushing of a turd come too soon. It needs to be allowed to settle, cloud the waters and cause a stink first.

They want Ben to peak in locking and loading his own self-destruction, then have The Sugarman pull the trigger – but only when the time is right. By my reckoning, that’ll be in about three episodes time.

* * * * *

Episode 1

Episode 2
Episode 3
Last series


236 Responses to “The Apprentice 2009 – Episode 4”

  1. Mel Says:

    Good episode last night. I still think that Noorul should have gone – that man cannot manage to dress himself in the mornings, let alone a team of over reaching narcisists and cream puffs!

    I really do think Paula was robbed. Either of the other two candidates would have been a better option, so i have to agree, they make better telly.

    Howevere, i suppose, with Nick’s intervention, they were actually given a massive opportunity to do some proper costings to see what they would need to make in order to make up for the cock up. It did not appear that this was done, and anyone of the team had the opportunity to sduggest that at that stage, so that was a huge failing on all of their parts.

    I really love it when the shit product wins, in a kind of marvellous way!

  2. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Kew would be on the way from their hq to Poole. You can pick up the M3 quite happily from Kew. Those people movers could be diesel as well.
    Do agree about the heavy resources used for power showers, curling tongs etc. We do not know though, whether the building has solar water heating.

  3. Mel Says:

    Oh and Ben – has he never seen the apprentice before? Does he not realise that his attrition will be repeated over and over through a series of neatly edited soundbites?

    Why does he feel that the over use of aggressive threats and similies will actually be a good way to represent himself?

    And that thing with Philip in the car where he explains that he had a scholarship to Sandhurst, but didn’t go…

    Shoulder chip anyone? I’d like vinegar with mine please.

  4. Mel Says:

    Yes we do DINLT – there were several shots of the building from the outside on last night, and there was no solar array to be seen.

  5. Mel Says:

    Oh yes, and whose idea was it to get them selling in beekeeiping suits IN THE TUBE STATION? I know that this was pointed out on Yer Fiyered, but really. I hope sirallen had a word about exactly how inappropriate that was.

    Hello? *talks at empty room*

  6. Excelsior! Says:

    What were those bee keeping outfits about? They looked like a bloody biohazard team.

    Benny boy was clearly kept in to make entertaining telly, which i suppose is the name of the game. And at least it saves me from deciding if i find paula attractive or not.

  7. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    A307/A316/M3 gets you to Poole from Kew.

  8. Mel Says:

    I think she is pretty Ex, and her hair is gorgeous.

  9. Mel Says:

    DINLT – so you have gone from football commentary to becoming the AA Routeplanner?

  10. Sue De Nymh Says:

    Apart from The Sandalwood Miscalculation, the worst mistake that Paula made was when the superb James (“I’m up to me knees in Crab shit ‘ere and you just want 300 grammes?!?!?”) suggested they increase the price of the soap, when it was flying off their stall.
    “Joo know wot? I reckon we could flog this for a FIVER!!” he said.
    “Alright, we’ll put the price up 50p to £3.50” she replied.
    Perhaps if she followed James’ advice they would have made more money and Makka Pakka lookalike Noorul would have been out on his elegantly tailored arse.
    Ben is still a rodent-faced cockflute, he looks like an angry hamster when he gets flustered.

  11. breeks Says:

    morning all!

    i didn’t watch the apprentice, i never do, i don’t have to, i get to see it all happen here, in funnier more wordy ways. it’s brill.

    got my ass kicked in scrabble, though, that’s for sure. mr breeks pulled ‘devolved’ from the pile managing a bingo and a triple word score at once. 101 points. bastard.

    mel – we need to talk recipes.

  12. Sue De Nymh Says:

    oh, and someone pointed out on DigitalSpy that there’s no such thing as a scholarship to Sandhurst (unless it’s Sandhurst Needlework, Blustering and Looking Like An Angry Hamster School for Tosspots)

  13. Mel Says:

    I really loved the boardroom shot of him after Paula got fired, when he really did look relieved. You are still right sue, he is a rat faced cockflute!

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Sometimes DINLT’s pedantry borders on genius. He must be saluted.

    *curses own rules about football talk*

    Mel – sorry it seemed like an empty room, I enjoyed your comments – Nick really was trying to help, wasn’t he?

    They could’ve gone to Broadway Market in fashionable Hackney *heave* and sold them soaps for a tenner a bar to the fuckwits that go there and pose.

  15. Mel Says:

    Breeks we should definitely have rat faced cockflute and shoulder chips as one of our recipes.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    I forgot about the Sandhurst line. He’s your archetypal public shool rugger bugger arsewipe shitwit – the sort of bloke I first encountered at University where I spent my days scheming on their downfall, unsuccessfully.

  17. offensive_mango Says:

    Ben is such a wankstain. Lovely lovely Paula Jones (Paula Jones!) did not deserve to go. And she was my favorite 😦

  18. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Cockflute’ – Brookerism, isn’t it? Sure I saw that on Newswipe last week.
    Not to piss on anyone’s parade nor nothing.

    After posting the Apprentice articles, the comments here always remind me of crucial facts I missed out – causing deep consternation over my errors and pride over the standard of readership. Conflicting emotions.

  19. Mel Says:

    That sounds like it could be a good book SH. What did your unsuccesful plans involve?

  20. breeks Says:

    that sounds fab, mel. could we also have dandruff veloute to sauce a nice slice of panfried gut-fat.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Offensive-Mango – I don’t get the Paula Jones thing, am I really, really thick?

  22. Napoleon Says:

    Sacking Paula was a shitty thing for that twat Sugar to do. Ben clearly deserved the boot (and a good hiding) but, as you say, he ‘makes good telly’. He doesn’t to me, but apparently I’m in a minority.

    I’m now wondering about my decision to back Phil as the winner. Men? Wearing fucking make-up? When did this shit start happening?

  23. Mel Says:

    Oh, talking of Brooker, i saw that last night, and i loved the bit where he mentioned that Keane in 3-d on the internet concert – “Oh god it is like the disappointment is happening right in front of my face!” Brilliant.

  24. Mel Says:

    Breeks – How about Apprentice Soup – made entirely from bopvine lady parts?

  25. offensive_mango Says:

    Not at all, SH. Though we did discuss it last week.

    @Napoleon: I work in the same room as the editors of some beauty trade magazines. Research has shown that something like 30% of today’s young men (teenagers and thereabouts) use hair straighteners. Yes.

  26. Mel Says:

    er bovine, i have not invented a new genus of farm animal specifically for the proposed soup.

  27. breeks Says:

    wasn’t paula jones some kind of american-politician-sex-scandal person? maybe monica lewinsky related?

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Oh christ, yes – the secks scandal woman.

    I used hair straighteners once whilst drunk and on holiday at Butlins. I looked even worse than I look with my luxuriant curls – and that’s pretty bloody bad as it is. Luckily, it started raining.

  29. breeks Says:

    sh – luxurious curls? is that what they are? it’s been too long, obv.

  30. Mel Says:

    did you burn yourself SH? On the possbly 3 occasions in my life when i have tried hair straighteners i have burned the tops of my ears.

    These days i stick to sub-Paula curls. My ears thank me for it.

  31. piqued Says:

    According to the very moderate and not at all right-wing-hitler bastard-rag, The Metro, Paula reckons she was bullied by Ben and when Ben gets out her brother is gonna smack him about.

    Of course, Ben is already out as The Apprentice was filmed months ago which makes Paula’s brother full of shit by default.

  32. Napoleon Says:

    The entertainingly ill-informed world of Piqued:

    Right-wing, in any shape or form, equals Hitler.

    Anyway. Men? Using fucking hair straighteners? When did that shit start happening?

  33. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Piqued–The Apprentice was filmed months ago.

    Is it I am trying to work it out? They were all wearing springlike clothing. It is either very recent or from last year. Previous series have been more autumnal.

  34. piqued Says:

    DILNT, well done for reading my post

    ‘Of course, Ben is already out as The Apprentice was filmed months ago which makes Paula’s brother full of shit by default.’

  35. piqued Says:

    ‘The entertainingly ill-informed world of Piqued:

    Right-wing, in any shape or form, equals Hitler.’

    *claps like a retard*

  36. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – it was filmed months ago, Ben will already be out.

    You bloody commie.

  37. Mel Says:

    *raises red flag, and left fist*

  38. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    When was it filmed? (Last September/October is my guess).

  39. breeks Says:

    mel – what about napoleon confit with a sweet piqued reduction and creamed dave?

  40. Sue De Nymh Says:

    Yes, cockflute *is* a Brookerism – I stole it last week as I thought it summed up Ben perfectly.

  41. Mel Says:

    ooh, that sounds delicious Breeks. I am glad you chose not to cream piqued, however.

  42. Swineshead Says:

    Sue – it sure does. As does ‘arsewipe’, ‘twatbucket’, ‘crap-stick’ and ‘baggy wanny’.

  43. offensive_mango Says:

    Delicious irony:

    Yasmina’s blurb on her BBC profile: “Business is about a simple formula. Make more than you spend. That’s what I do, I keep business simple and it works. I’m good at it.”

    She was very, very good at making more than she spent and keeping it simple last night . . . oh wait.

  44. ugeine Says:

    I don’t need straightness. My hair is immaculate; very fine and incredibly easy to manage. Your average girl would kill for hair like mine.

  45. breeks Says:

    ugeine – most girls don’t want ‘very fine’ hair as it’s prone to looking thin and flyaway.

    shows how much you know about girls. *

    * nothing

  46. Swineshead Says:

    Tequila & Dogs… mmmm.

  47. Mel Says:

    Girls do not want fine hair Ugeine, that means they spend all their time and money getting volume into it.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    On the other hand, Bree, my missus is always moaning about how thick her hair is. They’re never happy, these women. They’re fickle creatures to boot. Not literally ‘boot’.

  49. Mel Says:

    That is true SH, women always want the kind of hair they do not have. That also extends to boyfriends…

  50. ugeine Says:

    You’re all just jealous. Balls to you all!

  51. piqued Says:

    Balls to you was filmed months ago Ugeine

  52. offensive_mango Says:

    Hair can both be fine (in texture) and thick (in how much there is of it) at the same time. FYI.

  53. Mel Says:

    Oh yes, and before we go off topic completely – what about Yasmina’s admission on yer fiyered about ‘if i can shit on Paula to save my own arse, i can shit on anyone’

    I would not want that kind of employee once i had seen that. I think she may have sealed herself a murky fate.

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Easy Ugeine, that’s blog comment genocide, that kind of all-encompassing ‘ballsing’.

  55. Do I Not Like That! Says:

  56. Mel Says:

    Breeks – also, Noorul managed to invent us a lovely soapy recipe last night. At one point in his useless sales speil, he actually said ‘er, well, at least it will taste nice – if you are unlucky enough to get it into your mouth…’

    Honey Soap, with actual honeycomb in in a big gloopy mess – delicious.

  57. Swineshead Says:

    Stuff we already know there, courtesy of DINLT.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    My missus has a mane of thick brunette hair that hairdressers (the preening pack of mincing ponces) go ape-shit over. If she woke up with Ugeine’s reedy, mousy locks, she’d probably shoot herself.

  59. breeks Says:

    i have fine hair and a lot of it, you’re right, mango, it can be both.

    i have, however, some noice curlishness going on. *tosses mane* also i have jew-like long bits in front of my ears. well fashion.

    mel – noorul sounds like an idiot. who can we get to taste our lovely recipes? dave? he’s not got owt else to do.

  60. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Yep..but it confirms that piqued is correct. Filming was done last year.

  61. ugeine Says:

    SH: It was only meant in jest. In reality, my hair is a big tangled lump of mess. The only treatment it gets is a daily wash from bargain shower gel and a frantic cut from a Rastafarian pill dealer, when I can be bothered, about every 8 weeks.

  62. piqued Says:

    DINLT, I’m always correct, all weighs

  63. Swineshead Says:

    I wouldn’t worry Ugeine, REAL men don’t worry about their hair. Probably.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued worries about his hair. Mind you, that rather proves Swineshead’s point …

  65. ugeine Says:

    What’s with this massive hard on you have for me, Napoleon?

  66. Mel Says:

    Breeks, i think that is a perfect plan. Then he can claim to be employed as well (although i think he really is again now, isn’t he?). We wont be paying him though – right?

    All of these recipes will be far more delicious than the mush soup he “made” yesterday though.

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – What the fuck’s that supposed to mean? I had no idea you were a Yank.

    *cuts off communication with Ugeine immediately*

  68. breeks Says:

    yes, mel. quite. and he should pay for postage, too.

    what shall we treat him with first? bell-end pasta with hotcock and onion sauce?

  69. Mel Says:

    Oh, i thought we were using knee shaped pasta for the purposes of this forum Breeks. It’ll only confuse Nappers if we change.

    How about we start him with something simple, to match his culinary expertise. A slice of bread. From a sliced loaf.

  70. breeks Says:

    shit. sorry mel. no point feeding something he already has regularly enough.

    white bread? with bovril on it?

  71. Mel Says:

    That could be a goer. He could then graduate to a shit sandwich – or how about roadkill ragout?

  72. piqued Says:

    I used to like bread n’ Bovril… makes awful stools though.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    None of these recipes come close to what Dave can concoct for himself when let loose in a kitchen. You two are mere amateurs when it comes to dreaming up shit food compared to him. It’s a shame he deleted his last twenty blogs; the filth he described cooking on ’em was staggering.

  74. Mel Says:

    Piqued – you are supposed to eat them, not sit on them. I imagine you went through a fair few pairs of trousers during that period.

  75. piqued Says:

    ..awful they were, like trying to push silly putty through a hose

  76. Mel Says:

    NC – do you remember any? I am …err…. doing some research, for a blog.

  77. breeks Says:

    napoleon – you could be the dishboy in our kitchen, if you like, and therefore have the chance to surreptitiously shit or piss on any of the stuff we cook before it hits dave’s mouth-hole.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – There was some fried Spam thing that sounded vile, if memory serves. Really you’d need to ask Dave about this. I doubt he’s got up yet.

    Breeks – No thanks.

  79. Mel Says:

    How about the food photography then nappers? We will need pictures for the blog.

  80. piqued Says:

    They hurt so much I had to check the tissue for blood

  81. Mel Says:

    TMI Piqued, but we may have a job for you as ingredient sourcer.

  82. breeks Says:

    and tester. basically if it doesn’t cause pain or discomfort on re-entry to the outside world we aren’t interested.

  83. Mel Says:

    Ok, so we need a blog name now. Recipes to Try Before you Die (as you won’t last long once you have) ?

  84. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – You need a photographer? Here’s an idea: Go to the zoo, steal a sexually-excitable chimpanzee, stick some sunglasses on it and house it in a swanky appartment, and bingo – you have photographer.

  85. breeks Says:

    naps – meh. lazy.

  86. breeks Says:

    mel – hmmm. it’s ok. i think we could do better.

    Shit Recipes – Touch Shit, Eat Shit, Shit Shit.

  87. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Your cookery idea? Meh, unoriginal and dragging on a bit now.

  88. Mel Says:

    Eat Shit and Die? That was a common playground insult when i was a kid

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Owch. In-fighting.

    Play nicely, you bastards!

    Just watched You’re Fired – what a thoroughly decent lady that Paula was.

  90. breeks Says:

    naps – i meant your monkey-photographer thingy. well lazy.

    only thing dragging here is your predictable responses to just about everything, yeah.

  91. Mel Says:

    Yes she was SH, and has lovely hair. I hope that you are beginning to reconsider Yasmina in your affections after she revealed what a cow she really is.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    I never watch that You’re Fired programme. ‘Er indoors switches over to that fucking Desperate Housewives garbage the minute The Apprentice finishes.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Yes, I’m noted for my predictability. You, on the other hand, are a paragon of originality. I understand that. Now, let’s have some more of this ‘hilarious’ shit + piss + ball cheese food stuff you’ve been on about since yesterday.

  94. Nick of the T Says:

    I managed to catch the last few minutes.
    That Ben needs a proper shave and yes a cock flute he is tra la.
    After consuming bottles of wonderful San Miguele, Mrs Nick and I watched pre recorded Family Guy, a new series!!
    Yes Ug, the new series of SP is the best, but only just.

  95. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    San Miguel….or San Mig as I say!

  96. breeks Says:

    nah. i’ve come over all shy now, you horror.

  97. piqued Says:

    I watch ‘You’re Fired’ on occasion but largely suffer the same issue as you, NC

    There should be a Desperate Housewives post on ‘ere soon

  98. ugeine Says:

    Nick: It’s probably my favourite series for the image of R.Kelly humping a jewfish alone.

  99. Mel Says:

    You lot all have the internet – you could watch it on i-player

  100. breeks Says:

    *hates on nappers*

  101. Swineshead Says:

    There will be Piqued. At some point. Promise.

    Breeks – ignore Nappers. Seems it’s your turn…

    Mel – I will never reconsider. Yasmina’s not only good looking, she’s also a contender.

  102. breeks Says:

    i have a sinking feeling i’m gonna have start watching this bloody show.

  103. Nick of the T Says:

    Haven’t got to that one yet Ug. allsp gets cranky with me.

    Just received £100.20 from the PRS!


  104. Mel Says:

    I do not think she is all that good looking in certian shots swines. It seems they are correct about it making one go blind.

    Breeks, don’t worry, we have rattled him by coming up with funny content, and insulted him by offering him work – actual work, that will require working. He thinks this beneath him.

  105. Mel Says:

    Yay, drinks on Nick then.

  106. Napoleon Says:

    Her turn? I love the way it’s always my fucking fault. Do you ever bother to read how these little tiffs with Breeks start, Swineshead?

    Desperate Housewives – I attempted to write about that shit, Piqued, but got distracted by the South American one’s knockers.

  107. piqued Says:

    Thanks SH

    The South American one is an oddity isn’t she. I suspect, ironically, that quite a lot of her maybe ‘south.’ It’s not a bad topic to ponder while it’s on as the actual programme is fucking shit

  108. piqued Says:

    … sort of

  109. Mel Says:

    Piqued – what does that mean in English please?

  110. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – It’s the bastard voice-over that sends a shiver down my spine. And then the rest of the show after that. And then the voice-over at the end. And then the end credits.

    Oh, and I missed the opening credits. RUBBISH!

  111. breeks Says:

    these little tiffs with nappers start because i love him and even negative attention is attention.

  112. piqued Says:

    Mel, saggy tits and arse

  113. Mel Says:

    Sorry piqued, but that still makes no sense – you suspect a lot of her might be saggy tits and arse? Is this some kind of boy code for not all that fit really?

  114. piqued Says:

    You’re being very pedantic today, Mel… or are you about to give me an earful about judging a coiffured and fussed-over Hollywood actress by her looks?

  115. Mel Says:

    Neither Piqued, i am just trying to make some sense in a crazy world.

    And, technically, I am pedantic most days – on here and IRL.

  116. indy Says:

    piqued – ‘south’ – i thought that was a reference to an impressive ‘booty’, like in a good way

  117. Swineshead Says:

    I shouldn’t have got involved.

    Brilliant Newswipe last night but they need to lose that poet… or maybe it’s too subtle for me. Yes – even me.

  118. indy Says:

    i will watch newswipe this evening off youtube (while being paid) – i agree about the poet even though i am starting to build up a kind of tolerance. i think the problem is that he is allowed to go for too long – keep it short mr poet.

    wait a minute. does this mean that i am one of those annoying bastard that demands quick mtv editing to enjoy my tv?

  119. Mel Says:

    Yes, i mentioned that up there also. I like this getting good British TV on the continent. Now i can really be one of those expats that does their damndest not to integrate at all when they live abroad. I still eat Mother’s Pride bread and read the Scum too. *

    *Some of these facts may actually be false.

  120. Napoleon Says:

    Haven’t seen any of this Newswipe business. Didn’t even know it existed. If it’s just that bloke shouting at a TV as usual, I don’t think I’ll bother.


  121. piqued Says:

    Indy, that could work actually…

    Mel, it’s not really worth it when you consider Clement Freud has died

    Thanks for reminding me about Screenwipe SH, iplayer here I come (I really like the poet, his delivery makes me guffaw)

  122. indy Says:

    Napoleon: i think the opening credits is the least annoying thing on “desperate housewives”. every time i am zapping past dh i am always shocked by the level of crapness that agent cooper from twin peaks has been able to build up (sex and the city included). he used to be one of my favorite actors but now…

  123. Napoleon Says:

    A poet? Christ.

  124. indy Says:

    piqued: …and it adds a bit of extra depth to band name “beautiful south”

  125. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – I can’t recall anything decent he’s been in save Twin Peaks. I thought Blue Velvet was ghastly claptrap, and watching Dune was like having turds ground into my eyes. What else has he done?

  126. Mel Says:

    Yes piqued, that made it onto the World Service this morning. I am saddened, especially by the fact that I thought Parsons would be the first to shuffle off out of the JAM crowd. But then, i had not realised that Sir Clement was that old, i thought he was only in his late 60s.

  127. piqued Says:

    It’s not a poet per se NC, more of a rambling, philosophising berk with a beard speaking in couplets.

  128. indy Says:

    np: i guess that’s it. i liked blue velvet and consider dune ok. i wonder when there will be a dune II movie?

    yes commander.
    yes commander.
    yes commander.
    yes commander.

  129. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – So that’s The Boosh and Brooker you don’t fancy – what other popular modern comedy has passed you by?

    A good friend of mine (Wally Bazoom) thinks Flight of the Conchords are just unfunny mumbling kiwis but I think he’s coming round…

  130. indy Says:

    sh: brooker = comedy?

    i also find fotc very unfunny. and the third boosh season made me cry. wigs. glasses. catch phrases. argh.

  131. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Gavin & Stacey and The IT Crowd don’t float m’boat neither. I like that Conchords thing, and I don’t mind that Brooker fella. I just don’t get why he’s so worshipped. Yes, he’s alright, but he’s a bit samey to me after a while. If I want to read bile, I prefer the much more vitriolic Joe Queenan’s stuff.

    Because I’m an old fart who doesn’t get it, see?

  132. Mel Says:

    Can i have a lae entry in the never have i ever question? I have never seen either FOTC or the Boosh.

    Well, i did keep bumping into Noel Fielding randomly several times over the period of a month a couple of years ago. But that is as close as i have come.

  133. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Listen. Fried Spam and rice is perhaps the greatest delicacy one can enjoy – especially with a lovely Zinfandel.

    I haven’t got the photos and recipe anymore but I do have a video of my old housemate in said kitchen opening a different tin of Spam.

    It’s all the rage in Japan.

  134. Napoleon Says:

    Butcher’s Cumberland sausage sandwiches, Seabrook’s Beefy crisps, a Twix and an enormous mug of Yorkshire Tea for my lunch. En garde!

  135. Mel Says:


    Can i offer you terrine de merde Dave?

  136. Mel Says:

    shit fricassee?

  137. breeks Says:

    noel fielding was in one of my dreams last night. his eyes were like lasers, yeah.

  138. Mel Says:

    I don’t think that was a dream, Breeks. His eyes *are* like lasers

  139. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’ve just had bacon and eggs for my breakfast/lunch because I only woke up half an hour ago. Stayed up untill the wee small hours watching Sexcetra and The Paranormal Channel.

  140. Napoleon Says:

    So I was right when I said I doubted you’d got up yet?

    Good choice for your breakfast / lunch there.

  141. ugeine Says:

    The poet is just irritating, though I feel he’s on newswipe for the same reason that David Firth and Matt Berry’s band was on Screenwipe, so I tolerate him.

    Flight of The Conchords is funny.

    The Boosh has lost it’s appeal to me.

    Brooker is funny, but at his best reviewomg computer games and writing spoof TV listings.

  142. breeks Says:

    yeah, i reckon so mel. but in my dream he was actually using them like lasers to correct people’s vision. tops.

  143. indy Says:

    myopiniononstuff: that spam dude looks exactly like the female editor of the student magazine i used to write for.

  144. ugeine Says:

    its appeal, SH, its its its.

  145. piqued Says:

    Here you go NC

  146. Napoleon Says:

    I had a dream last night that I was cleaning vast quantities of sick off a train toilet that had been deposited there by a cider-drinking tramp and a small boy. Meanwhile, the Roman Empire was trying to set up an outpost in the woods outside the train, even though it was obvious they were all going to get killed by the natives. This didn’t bother me, as I was too busy cleaning up vomit for the entire length of the dream.

  147. Mel Says:

    fantastic allegory there Breeks

  148. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Here’s a quick easy snack. Not for wimps.

    Santoña or L’Escala Anchovies
    Ibores or Manchego Cheese
    Fresh Crusty roll
    Extra Virgin olive Oil.

    Drizzle virgin olive oil on crusty roll. Put a nice slice of cheese on it. Add some anchovies.

    One Boccadillo de Queso y Anchoas.

  149. ugeine Says:

    Ham + Cheese + Lettuce + Bread + Mayo.

  150. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Can I ask you not to draw my attention to poetry ever again? If I had the choice to hang all the poets in the world or all the paedophiles, I’d be pulling the lever on the poets.

  151. Mel Says:

    I had some lovely home made white bean and rosemary spread (or dip, it is a versatile dish) on a home made roll with home grown salad.

    Eat Sandwiches with Mothers, here we come.

  152. indy Says:

    myopiniononstuff: sexcetera is one of the most annoying shows ever. it’s like trying to get drunk on low-alcoholic beer. it’s obviously about sex but somehow it manages to stay totally unsexy. and the presenters – what a bunch of bastards.

  153. Napoleon Says:


  154. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I had a German salami sandwich last night with mustard mayo I made from mayo mixed with mustard (which I did myself). For pudding I had half an Easter egg, naturally.

  155. breeks Says:

    an innocent veggie pot wotsit with beans and barley and, amazingly, veggies.

  156. indy Says:

    Mel: do you have an GI alternative?

  157. Mel Says:

    Nappers – even that one that wears Hawaiian shirts and comes from Oop Norf, and you can remember the name of and i still can’t? I thought you liked him.

  158. Mel Says:

    Indy – do you mean the type of low alcohol beer that you can get in supermarkets (ie don’t have to go to the state run off lisece for because it is practically a soft drink). We had something similar over here, but we called it Top Deck. It was “alcohol” in that is was shandy and whatnot, but had something like 0.0000000005% alcohol in it. I imagine it is very difficult to get drunk on that stuff, especially given your penchant for Aquavit

  159. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I can’t stand the Barnsley bastard. He’s on Look North nearly every other night, banging on about fucking Barnsley. The fucker needs stringing up by his balls.

  160. Mel Says:

    Indy – umm what about Eat Carrot Sticks with Mothers?

  161. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – We used to have Top Deck here. You got it from fish vans, fish shops and corner shops and it was served tepid.

  162. Mel Says:

    Yes, it is a British thing NC, but in Sweden one has to go to the state run offie for any alcohol, except for this one beer that has maybe 1% alcohol that one can purchase in supermarkets there. It is pish of the Top Deck order, but they do not call it shandy or anything like that.

  163. Napoleon Says:

    This old, alleged Nazi that’s escaped being extradited to Germany because he’s too old and ill to travel gets my goat. Don’t they have gas chambers in the USA? Or some piano wire they can string the bugger up with?

  164. ugeine Says:

    State run off licenses?

  165. indy Says:

    Mel: seems spot-on in my comparison.

  166. Napoleon Says:

    State run offies? Where the hell are you living? The Soviet Union? In 1975?

  167. Mel Says:

    yes, Ug, System Bolaget. They are open during office hours and saturday at early o’clock. Sweden is a left state with a slightly more right wing government these days. They beleive in things like paying taxes and the restriction of things that are bad for you. Swedes are also very keen on following rules and regulations, so don’t mind this kind of nannying as long as a law about it has been passed.

    On the plus side, they have enormous buying power, so it levels ot the prices of REALLY good wine.

  168. ugeine Says:

    So, if you want a few Brews, you’d have to go out on your lunch break and buy some? That sounds like a bit of effort.

  169. indy Says:

    mel: thanks. couldn’t have said it better myself.


  170. Napoleon Says:

    On the subject of The Apprentice, by the way, how was that soap they were flogging in London ‘locally sourced’? Surely it stops being local when you sell it outside the area you made it in, doesn’t it? Or does it? I don’t know the rules on this one.

  171. Mel Says:

    Indy – no worries, i am a swedophile, after all!

  172. ugeine Says:

    *burns down Mel’s house*

  173. ugeine Says:

    Oh, swedophile. Sorry.

  174. Napoleon Says:

    I was just lighting the torches there …

  175. Mel Says:

    well, you’d have to come a long way the pair of you

    *checks outside in street for signs of British marauders*

    Wait, i live in Amsterdam, there are millions of the drunk fuckers here on stag dos.

    *contemplates moving*

  176. Napoleon Says:

    Sweden and Amsterdam, eh? Admit it, Mel, you work in the porno industry, don’t you?

    Can I have some free blueys?

  177. Mel Says:

    NC – that is a pattern i had not spotted until now.

    (your package is in the post)

  178. indy Says:

    np: how about marrying a mp?

  179. indy Says:

    np: to be honest i feel more exposed to porn when i’m in london than in sweden. there’s tits all over the place in london. unfortunately the english porn is of less wankable than swedish porn. it is usually “soft porn” or “adult material” where as in sweden it’s a bit more concentrated.

  180. Mel Says:

    “there’s tits all over the place in London”

    Especially in Hoxton…

  181. indy Says:

    newspapers, glossy mags, tv… etc

    i might sound like an angry preacherman but i think that the brits spread their erotic material too thinly.

  182. Napoleon Says:

    You want tits all over the place? Try Italy. They’re all over the place!

  183. indy Says:

    np: yes, but the italians also have got culture, you know. once they had an empire that stretched over europe, northern africa and the middle east!

  184. indy Says:

    *runs towards bunker*

  185. Napoleon Says:


  186. piqued Says:

    Oh no, you heard it first from me, Jade Goody has died

  187. piqued Says:

    That’s right NC, deaded

  188. Napoleon Says:

    Never mind that sad and tragic news, Piqued! I want to know what the hell Indy’s bloody on about! Culture? The Italians? They haven’t had a whiff of that stuff in over four hundred fucking years.

    And you call that an empire?

  189. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Tits, pizza and Peroni.

  190. breeks Says:

    the italians are, contrary to popular belief, quite bad dressers. it’s all tightness and bling, except those people lining up in airports to go to milan. those lines are all trouser suits and sharp jackets.

    i will be in italy in only a very few weeks, and then again in a relatively few months. between those visits i’ll be in ireland. it’s all ‘i’ ‘i’ ‘i’.

  191. piqued Says:

    They make beautiful machines NC, have probably the best food in the world… and you go there on holiday a lot, so you’ve a point I suppose

  192. indy Says:

    *still hiding from napoleon inside bunker*

  193. indy Says:

    *steps out of bunker – perhaps unwisely*

    sorry np. i did that to solely to provoke. the italians are rip-offs of the greek and the greek are the national equivalents to rolling stones, important in history but at this moment an embarrasing waste of space.

  194. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – They make motorbikes, which by the very nature of what they are, are shitty deathtraps that should be banned from our roads, and they make cars that go very very fast for twenty minutes, then break down. Their food, I’ll give you. As for me going on holiday there? I’m not answering that! So there!

  195. Napoleon Says:

    The Greeks? That Third World hell hole? “I’m sorry, but you have to put the paper you’ve wiped your arse with in that little bin by the bog, and not in the toilet because our pipes are too small.” “THEN INSTALL BIGGER PIPES! WITH THE MONEY WE GIVE YOU VIA THE BLOODY EEC.”

    *blood boils*

  196. piqued Says:


  197. Napoleon Says:

    You win NOTHING! Just because I go on holiday there doesn’t mean I have to like it, does it? Eh? No doubt I’ll loathe going there this year as much as I despised going there a couple of years back. With their bloody sunshine and their ice creams and their magnificent architecture and their … YOU’RE A SHITHEAP, PIQUED!

  198. breeks Says:


    naps – whereabouts do you go?

  199. Mel Says:

    Oooh, gelato – i really want some now.

  200. piqued Says:

    We like Sienna Breeks.

  201. piqued Says:

    ‘Oooh, gelato’

  202. Mel Says:


  203. indy Says:

    tuscany! ah!

  204. piqued Says:

    ‘Oooh, gelato’

    *skips about waving arms like a bloody ponce*


    *looks at Mel*

  205. indy Says:

    i prefer the province of grosseto. many nice mountain villages with excellent “real” italian food.

  206. breeks Says:

    prosecco is what it’s about basically. i’ll be drinking heaps of it, along with warm red wines, when lolling in a large villa in northern tuscany come september. before that i’ll be in elba.

    and in a few weeks on lake garda and orta. with a bit of como thrown in.


    *hops with can’t-waitedness*

  207. Mel Says:

    Oi ponced, less of the skipping and more of the sourcing sumptuous ice cream products for my consuming pleasure.

    Hurry up man, we do not have all day.

  208. Mel Says:

    Oh, and i see Swineshead has described us all as idiots in an attempt to advertise this blog.

    Cheers Swines.

  209. piqued Says:

    *gently pushes dick into a tub of Chunky Monkey*

    Here you go Mel, no ‘hard’ feelings


  210. Swineshead Says:

    Your welcome, idiots.

  211. Swineshead Says:


    I am also an idiot.

  212. piqued Says:


  213. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Having had an Italian girl friend, worked with Italians and visited Italy in the days of Lire, it is amazing I still eat Italian food.

  214. indy Says:

    “i am the smart! i am the smart! s-m-r-t! i mean s-m-A-r-t!”

  215. Napoleon Says:

    Oooh, I’ve just done a great big poo.

    Anyway … where were we? Who’s an idiot?

  216. indy Says:

    mel: “Oh, and i see Swineshead has described us all as idiots in an attempt to advertise this blog.”


  217. Mel Says:

    piqued – i never eat anything with bananas in.

    *reapplies lid to ice cream*

  218. Mel Says:

    We are all idiots that discuss cedarwood/sandalwood, hair thickness and the etymology of the word ‘cockflute’

    In the comments on the Apprentice Liveblog on a certain paper that you clearly all read

  219. Napoleon Says:

    Apprentice Liveblog? What’s this? Is that this? WWM this? THIS?


  220. breeks Says:

    we have been betrayed.

    time for a WWM coup?

  221. Swineshead Says:

    Mel – you aren’t half a shit-stirrer. I’m complicit in the idiocy.

  222. Swineshead Says:

    *prepares list*

  223. Mel Says:

    i was actually complimenting you on the accuracy of your descriptions again SH!

  224. myopiniononstuff Says:

    To be fair, Swinehead does write thoughtful and coherent posts every single day of his life (with no end in sight) and all we can do in response is talk about our din dins and the merits of Italy.

    Either we’re all idiots or Swinehead is to idiotic to realise his blog would be more succesful if he started posting about food and Europe.

  225. Swineshead Says:

    *drops list*

    Oh. Sorry Mel.

    Dave – You’re an arselicker. Where’s my lookalike? Get back to your workstation!

  226. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Actually, I’ve described this fine blog here…over we all pop…

  227. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – stop sending people to other blogs, you little bastard.

  228. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, Dave, stop it!

  229. breeks Says:

    i’d write a blog if i could be bothered. it’s much easier to hijack someone else’s.

  230. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I agree, breeks. I had a go writing abotu twenty blogs, realised I could hardly form sentences, let alone anything of interest and so decided to hang around WWM like a bad smell, whether anyone likes it or not.

  231. Mel Says:

    Dave – it is what we all do. It is why i am in no position to criticise (well, except for the times where i am)

  232. breeks Says:

    i find most times that position you speak of, mel, is sat at my desk looking for something better to do than wrestle with boring documents or supervise staff.

  233. Mel Says:

    yes, i hget that too Breeks.

  234. bep ga am Says:

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  235. the landscape design Says:

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