NewsGush: Bookies on Boyle

by

Now, I don’t watch ITV’s Britain’s Got Talent because it’s a pile of shit. It’s also got a judging panel made up of three arseholes and is fronted by Ant & Dec. Frankly, if I tried to watch that rot, my telly wouldn’t survive the thrashing I’d inevitably mete out to it from a mixture of frustration, despair, ruinous fury and good, old-fashioned common sense.

But some people do watch it, and the majority of them are going mental about Susan Boyle in the clip above. She’s turning into an ‘internet sensation’ with her Youtube clip being watched at a frightening rate. Bookies have shortened her odds on winning the thing, and Guardian journalists are getting in a tizzy about her initially being judged on her appearance.

So – apparently people who look like normal folk can sing!

Who’d have thought?

What a patronising and worryingly profitable shit-bonanza Cowell’s running.

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145 Responses to “NewsGush: Bookies on Boyle”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    She’s got Eddie Large’s hairdo.

  2. Napoleon Says:

    “Embedding disabled by request”

    Bastards.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Eddie Large – now there was a comedy giant.

  4. Napoleon Says:

    In at least one sense of the word …

  5. Stan Says:

    Awwww, Swineshead. Where is your heart? It’s popular because it’s genuine. You might hate Cowell and shows like this but surely you can see why pother people love them? It’s because they do offer genuine opportunities for ordinary people to receive the love and admiration they would otherwise continue to be denied. In a way, it’s television at its best. I don’t watch it personally. But I’ve seen that clip, and I was moved by it. I think it’s brilliant that this obviously massively sheltered middle-aged woman is having her life transformed by this programme. I think it’s something to be celebrated. I don’t care that people I like Cowell are making money out of it. That’s not the point.

    You’re going to have a go at me now, aren’t you?

  6. Mel Says:

    He is actually a very nice man

  7. Napoleon Says:

    Stan – She’ll get chewed up and spat out by Cowell like all the rest. It’s him who’ll end up the richer, and it’ll be her hanging from the rafters with a rope round her neck.

    Probably.

  8. piqued Says:

    ‘this obviously massively sheltered middle-aged woman’

    There’s no need to get personal Stan, she can’t help it if she looks like John Prescott

  9. Napoleon Says:

    With Eddie Large’s hair. Don’t forget that, Piqued.

  10. Mel Says:

    I meant Eddie Large, not Simon Cowell, who is a wankstain.

    I don’t mind that these people get recognition, but i *do* mind Simon Cowell making even more money off the back of it.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Of course I’m not going to have a go, but I disagree. It’s a fleeting hysteria the performers receive, not genuine love and admiration.

    It’s not life-changing, it just highlights the fact that people are judgemental bastards and need a rubbish talent show before they’ll acknowledge that someone who looks a bit ‘leftfield’ might be quite good at something.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    I bet Eddie Large is a nice man. I bet he is.

    BBC3 should get him and Little back to replace ratings-disaster Horney Cordens.

  13. breeks Says:

    stan – get any more patronising and you’ll be in danger of inhaling your own face.

    i read the guardian article yesterday, i watched the youtube clip last night – she was, like us all, totally judged on her appearance. i think the major issue is the live myth that, ‘oh yes, we know we might’ve been a little hasty but now we’ve learnt and isn’t she wonderful’ is an ok way to be.

    she seems delightful, we can’t even begin to guess at her life events which led to 47 and never been kissed (dave? you interested?) and actually why is that the most important thing about her?

  14. Mel Says:

    What becomes of the broken-talented Swines?

  15. myopiniononstuff Says:

    You have a disturbing view of me. All of you.

    Back in Manchester I was kissing 47 year old loners every night of the week.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    Eddie Large strikes me as a nice man too. I bet he’s like one o’ them dirty uncles. All fart jokes and fart noises for the kids the moment his sister’s (mum’s) back’s turned.

    Here’s to Eddie Large!

  17. Stan Says:

    I meant ‘sheltered’ in the sense of romantically inexperienced, and I think that’s probably more connected to her personality than the way she looks.

    I disagree that it’s not life-changing. That other bloke – the opera singer – his life is changed. Hers could too. I can’t see her hanging herself.

    Breeks, I don’t mean to be patronising. I’m just trying not to be cynical.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Mel – ask Jimmy Ruffin, he’s bound to have found out by now.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Stan – how much are you putting on this Susan Boyle Not Hanging Herself In Two Years Time wager?

    I can only give you evens.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Stan – She’ll ‘ang ‘erself, I tells ye! SHE’LL SWING, BOY! SWING!

  21. piqued Says:

    ‘I meant ’sheltered’ in the sense of romantically inexperienced, and I think that’s probably more connected to her personality than the way she looks.’

    I beg to differ, Stan, her personality came out when she sung.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    *lifts glass of cola to Eddie Large*

  23. myopiniononstuff Says:

    We could get the lad from shitty drama ‘All The Small Things’ to come on stuttering ‘Swing Swing’ by the All American Rejects, live on stage.

    That’s a one night only event.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve just realised Stan is Bete Du Jour – we have a bona fide internet star in our midst.

    The book-deal-bagging BASTARD.

  25. Mel Says:

    I have met Mr Large ad can confirm that he is indeed lovely, and i bet he does make dirty jokes for all the kids, in a good way. I hope you didn’t mean that as an insult NC

  26. piqued Says:

    What was he doing in Amsterdam, Mel?

    *has mental imagine of Mr. Large being pissed on by a MILF dressed as Stalin*

  27. breeks Says:

    do i have to apologise now that stan is famous?

    sorry stan.

    the manager of the band i help out is called stan. we call him the stanager. it’s funny. stan + manager. see? stanager?

  28. Napoleon Says:

    When I was at Hard Rock Hell a couple of years ago (making a fucking arse of m’self) there was a poster up for ‘Stars of The X-Factor’ coming the next weekend. So this woman can look forward to a fruitful career singing to an audience of children in an empty holiday camp in Minehead. In December. If she’s lucky.

    Or she’ll swing (see above).

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Books made off of internet blogs are SHIT. Welcome to the bargain bucket, Stan.

  30. piqued Says:

    Jesus, the mosque down the road from here has just been raided by about 100 cops

  31. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Napoleon- She could do a Ray Quinn and become a Dancing on Ice sensation. Who are you to predict the events of this charming lady’s life?

  32. Mel Says:

    I have a genuine question – and forgive my ignorance, i have never watched any of these judging ‘show us yer lungs’ kind of shows. Is Paul Potts really that successful? I only know him because he was the paper sensation from the last series of this. I have neither heard of nor seen him since. As i recall it was a similar momoment from that series, when they covered the judges doing a similar eye rolling thing because they thought he would be the standard nutter. It seems to be the narrative for all of the shows.

    Which rather proves swineshead’s point.

  33. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – Is Cat Stevens there? Or that one with the hook?*

    *Only Muslims I can think of.

  34. Mel Says:

    Piqued, this was years ago when i lived in Bristol, where Mr Large also lives, so keep you tawdry mental ‘imagines’ to yourself – yeah?

    Oh and pop along to see if you can find out what is happening. 100 cops is not all that many by comparison to the overkill one sees these days.

  35. Stan Says:

    Dear the internet

    You’re just too cruel and cynical for me. I believe in a world where little old ladies CAN find true happiness at the hands of cruel permatanned impresarios. I believe in a world where the winter season at Minehead might not be such a bad thing. But I CANNOT live in a world where my precious book is already consigned to the bargain bins of sub-history.

    Goodbye cruel internet.

    ~swings~

  36. piqued Says:

    I can’t see NC, I’m hiding under the desk

  37. piqued Says:

    Stan, she’s 48

  38. Napoleon Says:

    Stan – Good riddance!

    Now, who can I get to kill ’emselves next?

  39. Sue De Nymh Says:

    I read in one of the Sunday rags last weekend that she had learning difficulties as a child & is possibly still a teeny-tiny bit simple. She’s the square-headed, Eddie Large-faced Queen of Hearts!
    .
    I used to enjoy watching the open audition parts of Pop Idol/X Factor as it was always fun to watch the judges crush the dreams of kids whose self-delusion far outweighed their obvious lack of talent. However, watching the opening rounds of Britain’s Got Talent just makes me uncomfortable as it seems that every Care In The Community type person auditions and is put up for public ridicule:- it’s the modern equivalent of goin’ daahn that Bedlam an’ larfin’ at the mentallers.

  40. breeks Says:

    i think this question boils down to who’s gonna give her one.

    dave?
    piqued?
    nappers?
    mel?
    stan?
    cowell?

  41. piqued Says:

    I agree with Sue, the open auditions are a true 21st century freak show, fantastic entertainment

  42. piqued Says:

    Judging by her hair, Breeks ones thoughts turn the state of her undergrowth…

    … fuck it, I’ll do it

  43. Napoleon Says:

    It’d be better if there were more dwarves, seal boys and bearded ladies, Piqued. And EVEN better if you could pelt ’em with rotten fruit for a shilling.

  44. breeks Says:

    american idol is much less interesting now it’s down to the final whatever.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    Stan – whatever happens to the book, at least (and I’m presuming here) you got an interest-free loan so you could spend a couple of months thinking about writing it and a night of cutting and pasting old blog entries into some semblance of order.

  46. myopiniononstuff Says:

    She could suck me off whilst performing a classical tune.

    The vibrations would make the experience most relaxing and I could just imagine she was Catherine Jenkins.

  47. Mel Says:

    Maybe Cowell, but i cannot volunteer. As you know, i have never kissed a girl, and if there is to be a first time, I would like to fancy the woman in question.

  48. Swineshead Says:

    I’d much rather ridicule the appearance of famous, rich, big-headed arsewits like Cowell and his parade of judging bastards than the poor old sods he makes money from.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Worked for Belle De Jour.

    No?

    She used to be on the internet?

    No?

    Forget it …

  50. Mel Says:

    I agree Swineshead, unfortunately they do the job of parody better than ever we can

  51. piqued Says:

    … trouble is SH, I don’t find Cowell and that disgusting bottom-feeder Piers Morgan at all funny.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Cowell’s hair has always annoyed me. If I had his money, I’d have science make me the world’s most magnificent mane, but him? No, he’d rather have whatever the fuck that is stuck to the top of his head. The arsehole.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    *checks BMTV*

    The lies!

  54. Swineshead Says:

    Didn’t he pay Max Clifford to make it look like he’s not gay?

  55. breeks Says:

    i think cowell’s hair is just a reflection of his pubes. achingly forested and solidly untouched.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    I wouldn’t mind Pat Jennings’s hair.

    http://tinyurl.com/c3jduw

  57. Mel Says:

    But Simon Cowell cannot be gay, he had a relationship with that well known ladyboy Sinitta…

    …Oh

  58. Napoleon Says:

    When I was a lad, I had a dirty magazine that featured an upskirt, knickerless shot of Sinitta’s dingus in the ‘Reality’ section at the back (where, by the way, I sadly learned that Samantha Janus has really, really shit unfettered knockers). Nearly lost me lunch, I did.

    Don’t know if I sold you that one or not, Swineshead.

  59. Mel Says:

    Nappers, you are such a charmer – fancy a fuck?

  60. Swineshead Says:

    I never saw that.

    BLAST

  61. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Speaking of things never seen. Where’s my amazing super-duper funtime lookalike?

  62. Napoleon Says:

    But of course, Mel …

    *peels off (and I do mean peels off) underpants*

  63. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – It was a Fiesta, if memory serves. One of the more popular products in my ‘porn for children’ range.

    They just never got Club International’s class …

  64. Mel Says:

    Oh sorry, Nappers, i can’t now, i appear to have thrown up all over your undergubbins. Sorry about that

  65. Swineshead Says:

    That’s a weekend slot you’ve got there Dave.
    Haven’t you got better things to do?

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – And that’s a problem?

    *advances, hands ready to mash*

  67. Napoleon Says:

    Dave’s been condemned to the icy hinterland of WWM At The Weekend? Only Ugeine, Dave and me when I’ve had too much to drink comment on that. A fate worse than something … well … better.

  68. Mel Says:

    *looks in shock at nappers*

    Are you saying my tits look like a sack of spuds?

    Humph

  69. breeks Says:

    *jealous*

  70. Mel Says:

    *realises that drinking on a friday lunchtime, then posting comments on the internets is inadvisable*

    *does it anway*

  71. breeks Says:

    *double jealous*

    i’m on coffee and my lovely fey costa man is off for a month wriggling his girlish hips back home in brazil soon. no coffee, then.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I’m saying no such thing! I like to refer to tit-related fumbling as ‘mashing’ because I am, at heart, a sniggering twelve year old boy.

    NOW COME HERE!

  73. piqued Says:

    I don’t like it in here

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Is that because it smells, Piqued? That’ll be Toothed Varmint’s corpse decomposing in the corner, I expect.

  75. breeks Says:

    bit bored now.

  76. Mel Says:

    Breeks, can you not get coffee from any of the other baristas? Why does it have to be the Brazilian?

    In my experience, you are better off getting the Brazilians to make you great Capirinhas

  77. Napoleon Says:

    I see we saw Stan off quick-smart, by the way. I blame Swineshead, personally. Yes … it’s his fault.

    Shame on you, Swineshead.

  78. breeks Says:

    because we’ve only recently even gotten a little costa cart in our canteen and he’s the ladyboy who runs it. he’s lovely, truly lovely.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Where hell what we watch this weekend bit? Huh? TIME PASSING.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    ‘Baristas’ … for fuck’s sake.

  81. Mel Says:

    Breeks, i thought that you did not work on friday? Well, anyway, nice that you are and seeing me make a tit of myself. Cheers

  82. Mel Says:

    What NC? i spelled it correctly.

  83. Mel Says:

    Next fridsay, before he goes, see if he’ll do you a capirinha breeks

  84. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t care how you bloody spelled it. It’s the wankiness of the word itself. And wasn’t it completely made up by a coffee company? Or is that one of those urbane mythes?

  85. breeks Says:

    i don’t work fridays, you are right and not a tit, or if you are a tit you’re a lovely one (full, plump, perky and rosily topped).

    i am working today cause i didn’t come in on tuesday and i need cash and had some work to do.

  86. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’m not enjoying WWM at all today.

  87. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – Why not? What’s the difference?

  88. Mel Says:

    Well it’s nice to see you today breeks.

  89. breeks Says:

    and you, mel. bless.

  90. Napoleon Says:

    Alright, alright, let’s break up the fucking love-in shall we? Damned hippies.

    *wades in with rubber baton and shield*

  91. breeks Says:

    *hugs*

    hi darling nappers.

  92. Mel Says:

    *waves hands in air*

    This is not a riot, this is not a riot

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Hugs? I have no need of hugs, Breeks. I’ve never … never … had a hug in my … in my …

    … hmm? What’s this at the corner of my eye?

  94. piqued Says:

    Mel, Breeks, you’ll be singing ‘I will survive in a minute’

    (Mel the loudest as she’s drunk)

  95. breeks Says:

    orange juice, mel? max clifford’s number?

  96. Mel Says:

    Piqued, you’re my besht mate you are

  97. breeks Says:

    i think, actually, we should go for ‘i am woman’. whaddya reckon?

  98. Mel Says:

    The one that goes ‘I am woman hear me roar’?

    Or a different one?

  99. breeks Says:

    yes, that one.

  100. Napoleon Says:

    One of the worst songs ever written. Plus it turned out to be balls seeing as women nowadays are all about the sexy-sexy and the shaking of what I believe the Americans call ‘the booty’.

  101. breeks Says:

    yes. little in the middle but much in the back, as i understand, is preferred. like a megane. or a pear.

  102. Mel Says:

    Anyway, it would be mercifully short, as i only know the one line.

  103. piqued Says:

    Ugh, you’re so righ NC

    Ugh, dirty women, dirty

  104. piqued Says:

    ‘like a megane. or a pear.’

    car fruit?

    eh?

    (ugh, Jesus. Dirty)

  105. breeks Says:

    i am woman hear me roar in numbers too loud to ignore.

    s’about all i know. actually it brings bad really bad mature-aged-uni-student-tutorial i got stuck in once. stupid mature aged students. stupid social sciences.

    let’s not sing it.

    let’s sing ‘hanging tough’ by NKOTB. that’s tops.

  106. breeks Says:

    no piqued…ah crap. i really can’t be arsed.

    BORED.

  107. Mel Says:

    are you tough enough?

  108. breeks Says:

    oh yes.

    i’m rough.

  109. Napoleon Says:

    You should sing ‘Blaze Of Glory’ by Jon Bon Jovi instead. They had it in Young Guns II – the best film ever made.

  110. breeks Says:

    slash. i would.

  111. Mel Says:

    No Nc, i refuse to sing that. I may be drunk, but still

  112. Napoleon Says:

    You’d shag Slash? I have it on good authority that he stinks like a sweaty horse.

  113. Napoleon Says:

    *remembers Breeks is uncommon fond of horses*

  114. piqued Says:

    ‘Slash’

    What a tit

  115. breeks Says:

    piqued – you just wish you thought of it first. and had as much hair as that. and played guitar as good as that. and could do literally anything, ANYTHING, whilst never dislodging the fag hanging from the corner of your plump lips.

    oooh.

  116. Napoleon Says:

    Apparently, according to those handy friends of mine over at CR, he’s a thoroughly good egg of a man, and not a tit at all. No doubt this is because he’s a Britisher, Gawd Bless ‘Im.

  117. Mel Says:

    phwooooar breeks. He sounds like a right catch.

    BTW – did Gregg ever go phwoooar at your food?

  118. piqued Says:

    ‘Oooh’ my arse.

    ‘Slash’ (named after a big piss) is the eptome of what’s wrong with rock music

  119. breeks Says:

    mel – he did. to be fair, he does it every 5 seconds or so and as such i can’t be entirely sure whether it was at me, my tits, or someone else’s dessert.

    piqued – jealousy doesn’t become your fass.

  120. piqued Says:

    (yes, I’ve heard he’s alright too, this makes him insincere as well as being a tit)

  121. Mel Says:

    Bugger, you only get to see it once an episode on the telleh.

    I like it when he goes phwooar, and it was probably at your tits *and* at your food. Is he a bit of the rubby thigh type?

  122. breeks Says:

    yes, he’s easily flirted with for points. that said, he’s way, way better than torode.

    torode’s spoilt and much less pleasingly tubby. he’s just pot-faced tubby.

  123. Mel Says:

    Yes, i git that impression of him. He has cat’s bum mouth to a tee.

    I am just gald to hear that it doesn’t spill over to out and out lechery with Gregg though.

  124. Napoleon Says:

    Cooking, is it? Pffff …

    *slinks away*

  125. breeks Says:

    see below for (edited) public protection report just received about the girlfriend of an offending client:-

    ‘Incidentally, this is the same *** ****who sprayed graffiti on the side of ****** Police Station after one of ****’s arrests last year. It is thought that she meant to write ‘Free *****’, although what she actually wrote was ‘Three *****’.’

  126. Mel Says:

    Brilliant, that is better than fork handles

  127. Napoleon Says:

    FLASH! AA-AAAH! KING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE!

  128. piqued Says:

    Christ, you made me jump then NC

  129. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry about that, Piqued. It was rather loud, wasn’t it?

  130. Mel Says:

    hahaha – you guys are doing well with the funny today.

    But i did think the lyric was

    FLASH AA_AAH SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE

  131. piqued Says:

    Oooh, just a bit…

    Phew

    I think I might need a glass of water and a little sit down after that!

    I’m not blaming you, NC, but if you’re going to do that again a bit of notice wouldn’t hurt…

    Sorry, I don’t mean to be a spoilsport or anything, god knows I like a surprise as much as the next girl, just ask mum! It’s just, well…

    Phew!

    *smiles weakly*

    I really do need to lie down!

    I think I shit myself

  132. breeks Says:

    i don’t get it.

  133. piqued Says:

    *has died upstairs*

  134. Mel Says:

    *sends wreath*

  135. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t see why I should apologise twice.

    Anyway, Mel, Flash has more than one lyric, y’know? You big JESSIE.

  136. Mel Says:

    Why d’you need to apologise to me you great oaf? I genuinely laughed out loud.

    And as we found out earlier, i am one-line lil. When it comes to all songs like.

  137. breeks Says:

    mel – have you been and gone to london yet? i vaguely recall talking restaurants and visits.

  138. Mel Says:

    Yes, i was there the other week Breeks.

    I didn’t manage to get to any restaurants because i completely over booked myself with catching up with friends.

    I will be back though, possibly soonish.

  139. breeks Says:

    ah. tops. maybe next time to scotland to see dave?

  140. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – I wasn’t bloody apologising to you, damn you! I was saying I don’t see why I have to apologise to Piqued twice for nearly giving him heart failure.

    I’m never singing Flash again!

  141. Mel Says:

    Breeks – are you trying to matchmake today? If so, can you set me up with that lovely offenders girlfriend?

    Nappers – aaaaah gwan gwan gwan, it was funny

  142. breeks Says:

    i’m bored, mostly.

    i could if you like. she’s about to pop another sprog so get in quick.

  143. Mel Says:

    Phwooooaaaarrr

  144. Mel Says:

    OK my lovelies, I’ve had a blast, and now I’m off. Have a marvellous weekend

  145. Billy Makeshift-Gloombulb Says:

    Enough! This ‘End-Of-Pier’ tut has got to stop.
    I’ll be bound this is actually Eddie Large trying to get his own back on Noel ‘Open the box’ Edmonds for the ‘Gotcha’ all those years ago.

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