Now, I don’t watch ITV’s Britain’s Got Talent because it’s a pile of shit. It’s also got a judging panel made up of three arseholes and is fronted by Ant & Dec. Frankly, if I tried to watch that rot, my telly wouldn’t survive the thrashing I’d inevitably mete out to it from a mixture of frustration, despair, ruinous fury and good, old-fashioned common sense.
But some people do watch it, and the majority of them are going mental about Susan Boyle in the clip above. She’s turning into an ‘internet sensation’ with her Youtube clip being watched at a frightening rate. Bookies have shortened her odds on winning the thing, and Guardian journalists are getting in a tizzy about her initially being judged on her appearance.
So – apparently people who look like normal folk can sing!
Who’d have thought?
What a patronising and worryingly profitable shit-bonanza Cowell’s running.
Tags: Britain's Got Talent, Culture, Entertainment, ITV, Media, Reality TV, Simon Cowell, Susan Boyle, Talent Show, Television
Watch With Mothers 
April 17, 2009 at 12:27 pm
She’s got Eddie Large’s hairdo.
April 17, 2009 at 12:35 pm
“Embedding disabled by request”
Bastards.
April 17, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Eddie Large – now there was a comedy giant.
April 17, 2009 at 12:37 pm
In at least one sense of the word …
April 17, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Awwww, Swineshead. Where is your heart? It’s popular because it’s genuine. You might hate Cowell and shows like this but surely you can see why pother people love them? It’s because they do offer genuine opportunities for ordinary people to receive the love and admiration they would otherwise continue to be denied. In a way, it’s television at its best. I don’t watch it personally. But I’ve seen that clip, and I was moved by it. I think it’s brilliant that this obviously massively sheltered middle-aged woman is having her life transformed by this programme. I think it’s something to be celebrated. I don’t care that people I like Cowell are making money out of it. That’s not the point.
You’re going to have a go at me now, aren’t you?
April 17, 2009 at 12:40 pm
He is actually a very nice man
April 17, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Stan – She’ll get chewed up and spat out by Cowell like all the rest. It’s him who’ll end up the richer, and it’ll be her hanging from the rafters with a rope round her neck.
Probably.
April 17, 2009 at 12:42 pm
‘this obviously massively sheltered middle-aged woman’
There’s no need to get personal Stan, she can’t help it if she looks like John Prescott
April 17, 2009 at 12:43 pm
With Eddie Large’s hair. Don’t forget that, Piqued.
April 17, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I meant Eddie Large, not Simon Cowell, who is a wankstain.
I don’t mind that these people get recognition, but i *do* mind Simon Cowell making even more money off the back of it.
April 17, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Of course I’m not going to have a go, but I disagree. It’s a fleeting hysteria the performers receive, not genuine love and admiration.
It’s not life-changing, it just highlights the fact that people are judgemental bastards and need a rubbish talent show before they’ll acknowledge that someone who looks a bit ‘leftfield’ might be quite good at something.
April 17, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I bet Eddie Large is a nice man. I bet he is.
BBC3 should get him and Little back to replace ratings-disaster Horney Cordens.
April 17, 2009 at 12:46 pm
stan – get any more patronising and you’ll be in danger of inhaling your own face.
i read the guardian article yesterday, i watched the youtube clip last night – she was, like us all, totally judged on her appearance. i think the major issue is the live myth that, ‘oh yes, we know we might’ve been a little hasty but now we’ve learnt and isn’t she wonderful’ is an ok way to be.
she seems delightful, we can’t even begin to guess at her life events which led to 47 and never been kissed (dave? you interested?) and actually why is that the most important thing about her?
April 17, 2009 at 12:46 pm
What becomes of the broken-talented Swines?
April 17, 2009 at 12:50 pm
You have a disturbing view of me. All of you.
Back in Manchester I was kissing 47 year old loners every night of the week.
April 17, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Eddie Large strikes me as a nice man too. I bet he’s like one o’ them dirty uncles. All fart jokes and fart noises for the kids the moment his sister’s (mum’s) back’s turned.
Here’s to Eddie Large!
April 17, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I meant ‘sheltered’ in the sense of romantically inexperienced, and I think that’s probably more connected to her personality than the way she looks.
I disagree that it’s not life-changing. That other bloke – the opera singer – his life is changed. Hers could too. I can’t see her hanging herself.
Breeks, I don’t mean to be patronising. I’m just trying not to be cynical.
April 17, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Mel – ask Jimmy Ruffin, he’s bound to have found out by now.
April 17, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Stan – how much are you putting on this Susan Boyle Not Hanging Herself In Two Years Time wager?
I can only give you evens.
April 17, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Stan – She’ll ‘ang ‘erself, I tells ye! SHE’LL SWING, BOY! SWING!
April 17, 2009 at 12:55 pm
‘I meant ’sheltered’ in the sense of romantically inexperienced, and I think that’s probably more connected to her personality than the way she looks.’
I beg to differ, Stan, her personality came out when she sung.
April 17, 2009 at 12:55 pm
*lifts glass of cola to Eddie Large*
April 17, 2009 at 12:55 pm
We could get the lad from shitty drama ‘All The Small Things’ to come on stuttering ‘Swing Swing’ by the All American Rejects, live on stage.
That’s a one night only event.
April 17, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I’ve just realised Stan is Bete Du Jour – we have a bona fide internet star in our midst.
The book-deal-bagging BASTARD.
April 17, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I have met Mr Large ad can confirm that he is indeed lovely, and i bet he does make dirty jokes for all the kids, in a good way. I hope you didn’t mean that as an insult NC
April 17, 2009 at 12:59 pm
What was he doing in Amsterdam, Mel?
*has mental imagine of Mr. Large being pissed on by a MILF dressed as Stalin*
April 17, 2009 at 12:59 pm
do i have to apologise now that stan is famous?
sorry stan.
the manager of the band i help out is called stan. we call him the stanager. it’s funny. stan + manager. see? stanager?
April 17, 2009 at 1:00 pm
When I was at Hard Rock Hell a couple of years ago (making a fucking arse of m’self) there was a poster up for ‘Stars of The X-Factor’ coming the next weekend. So this woman can look forward to a fruitful career singing to an audience of children in an empty holiday camp in Minehead. In December. If she’s lucky.
Or she’ll swing (see above).
April 17, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Books made off of internet blogs are SHIT. Welcome to the bargain bucket, Stan.
April 17, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Jesus, the mosque down the road from here has just been raided by about 100 cops
April 17, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Napoleon- She could do a Ray Quinn and become a Dancing on Ice sensation. Who are you to predict the events of this charming lady’s life?
April 17, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I have a genuine question – and forgive my ignorance, i have never watched any of these judging ‘show us yer lungs’ kind of shows. Is Paul Potts really that successful? I only know him because he was the paper sensation from the last series of this. I have neither heard of nor seen him since. As i recall it was a similar momoment from that series, when they covered the judges doing a similar eye rolling thing because they thought he would be the standard nutter. It seems to be the narrative for all of the shows.
Which rather proves swineshead’s point.
April 17, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Piqued – Is Cat Stevens there? Or that one with the hook?*
*Only Muslims I can think of.
April 17, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Piqued, this was years ago when i lived in Bristol, where Mr Large also lives, so keep you tawdry mental ‘imagines’ to yourself – yeah?
Oh and pop along to see if you can find out what is happening. 100 cops is not all that many by comparison to the overkill one sees these days.
April 17, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Dear the internet
You’re just too cruel and cynical for me. I believe in a world where little old ladies CAN find true happiness at the hands of cruel permatanned impresarios. I believe in a world where the winter season at Minehead might not be such a bad thing. But I CANNOT live in a world where my precious book is already consigned to the bargain bins of sub-history.
Goodbye cruel internet.
~swings~
April 17, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I can’t see NC, I’m hiding under the desk
April 17, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Stan, she’s 48
April 17, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Stan – Good riddance!
Now, who can I get to kill ’emselves next?
April 17, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I read in one of the Sunday rags last weekend that she had learning difficulties as a child & is possibly still a teeny-tiny bit simple. She’s the square-headed, Eddie Large-faced Queen of Hearts!
.
I used to enjoy watching the open audition parts of Pop Idol/X Factor as it was always fun to watch the judges crush the dreams of kids whose self-delusion far outweighed their obvious lack of talent. However, watching the opening rounds of Britain’s Got Talent just makes me uncomfortable as it seems that every Care In The Community type person auditions and is put up for public ridicule:- it’s the modern equivalent of goin’ daahn that Bedlam an’ larfin’ at the mentallers.
April 17, 2009 at 1:07 pm
i think this question boils down to who’s gonna give her one.
dave?
piqued?
nappers?
mel?
stan?
cowell?
April 17, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I agree with Sue, the open auditions are a true 21st century freak show, fantastic entertainment
April 17, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Judging by her hair, Breeks ones thoughts turn the state of her undergrowth…
… fuck it, I’ll do it
April 17, 2009 at 1:10 pm
It’d be better if there were more dwarves, seal boys and bearded ladies, Piqued. And EVEN better if you could pelt ’em with rotten fruit for a shilling.
April 17, 2009 at 1:10 pm
american idol is much less interesting now it’s down to the final whatever.
April 17, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Stan – whatever happens to the book, at least (and I’m presuming here) you got an interest-free loan so you could spend a couple of months thinking about writing it and a night of cutting and pasting old blog entries into some semblance of order.
April 17, 2009 at 1:11 pm
She could suck me off whilst performing a classical tune.
The vibrations would make the experience most relaxing and I could just imagine she was Catherine Jenkins.
April 17, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Maybe Cowell, but i cannot volunteer. As you know, i have never kissed a girl, and if there is to be a first time, I would like to fancy the woman in question.
April 17, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I’d much rather ridicule the appearance of famous, rich, big-headed arsewits like Cowell and his parade of judging bastards than the poor old sods he makes money from.
April 17, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Swineshead – Worked for Belle De Jour.
No?
She used to be on the internet?
No?
Forget it …
April 17, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I agree Swineshead, unfortunately they do the job of parody better than ever we can
April 17, 2009 at 1:14 pm
… trouble is SH, I don’t find Cowell and that disgusting bottom-feeder Piers Morgan at all funny.
April 17, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Cowell’s hair has always annoyed me. If I had his money, I’d have science make me the world’s most magnificent mane, but him? No, he’d rather have whatever the fuck that is stuck to the top of his head. The arsehole.
April 17, 2009 at 1:16 pm
*checks BMTV*
The lies!
April 17, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Didn’t he pay Max Clifford to make it look like he’s not gay?
April 17, 2009 at 1:17 pm
i think cowell’s hair is just a reflection of his pubes. achingly forested and solidly untouched.
April 17, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I wouldn’t mind Pat Jennings’s hair.
http://tinyurl.com/c3jduw
April 17, 2009 at 1:20 pm
But Simon Cowell cannot be gay, he had a relationship with that well known ladyboy Sinitta…
…Oh
April 17, 2009 at 1:22 pm
When I was a lad, I had a dirty magazine that featured an upskirt, knickerless shot of Sinitta’s dingus in the ‘Reality’ section at the back (where, by the way, I sadly learned that Samantha Janus has really, really shit unfettered knockers). Nearly lost me lunch, I did.
Don’t know if I sold you that one or not, Swineshead.
April 17, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Nappers, you are such a charmer – fancy a fuck?
April 17, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I never saw that.
BLAST
April 17, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Speaking of things never seen. Where’s my amazing super-duper funtime lookalike?
April 17, 2009 at 1:27 pm
But of course, Mel …
*peels off (and I do mean peels off) underpants*
April 17, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Swineshead – It was a Fiesta, if memory serves. One of the more popular products in my ‘porn for children’ range.
They just never got Club International’s class …
April 17, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Oh sorry, Nappers, i can’t now, i appear to have thrown up all over your undergubbins. Sorry about that
April 17, 2009 at 1:30 pm
That’s a weekend slot you’ve got there Dave.
Haven’t you got better things to do?
April 17, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Mel – And that’s a problem?
*advances, hands ready to mash*
April 17, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Dave’s been condemned to the icy hinterland of WWM At The Weekend? Only Ugeine, Dave and me when I’ve had too much to drink comment on that. A fate worse than something … well … better.
April 17, 2009 at 1:34 pm
*looks in shock at nappers*
Are you saying my tits look like a sack of spuds?
Humph
April 17, 2009 at 1:34 pm
*jealous*
April 17, 2009 at 1:35 pm
*realises that drinking on a friday lunchtime, then posting comments on the internets is inadvisable*
*does it anway*
April 17, 2009 at 1:36 pm
*double jealous*
i’m on coffee and my lovely fey costa man is off for a month wriggling his girlish hips back home in brazil soon. no coffee, then.
April 17, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Mel – I’m saying no such thing! I like to refer to tit-related fumbling as ‘mashing’ because I am, at heart, a sniggering twelve year old boy.
NOW COME HERE!
April 17, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I don’t like it in here
April 17, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Is that because it smells, Piqued? That’ll be Toothed Varmint’s corpse decomposing in the corner, I expect.
April 17, 2009 at 1:45 pm
bit bored now.
April 17, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Breeks, can you not get coffee from any of the other baristas? Why does it have to be the Brazilian?
In my experience, you are better off getting the Brazilians to make you great Capirinhas
April 17, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I see we saw Stan off quick-smart, by the way. I blame Swineshead, personally. Yes … it’s his fault.
Shame on you, Swineshead.
April 17, 2009 at 1:52 pm
because we’ve only recently even gotten a little costa cart in our canteen and he’s the ladyboy who runs it. he’s lovely, truly lovely.
April 17, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Where hell what we watch this weekend bit? Huh? TIME PASSING.
April 17, 2009 at 1:54 pm
‘Baristas’ … for fuck’s sake.
April 17, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Breeks, i thought that you did not work on friday? Well, anyway, nice that you are and seeing me make a tit of myself. Cheers
April 17, 2009 at 1:55 pm
What NC? i spelled it correctly.
April 17, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Next fridsay, before he goes, see if he’ll do you a capirinha breeks
April 17, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I don’t care how you bloody spelled it. It’s the wankiness of the word itself. And wasn’t it completely made up by a coffee company? Or is that one of those urbane mythes?
April 17, 2009 at 1:57 pm
i don’t work fridays, you are right and not a tit, or if you are a tit you’re a lovely one (full, plump, perky and rosily topped).
i am working today cause i didn’t come in on tuesday and i need cash and had some work to do.
April 17, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I’m not enjoying WWM at all today.
April 17, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Dave – Why not? What’s the difference?
April 17, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Well it’s nice to see you today breeks.
April 17, 2009 at 2:08 pm
and you, mel. bless.
April 17, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Alright, alright, let’s break up the fucking love-in shall we? Damned hippies.
*wades in with rubber baton and shield*
April 17, 2009 at 2:12 pm
*hugs*
hi darling nappers.
April 17, 2009 at 2:14 pm
*waves hands in air*
This is not a riot, this is not a riot
April 17, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Hugs? I have no need of hugs, Breeks. I’ve never … never … had a hug in my … in my …
… hmm? What’s this at the corner of my eye?
April 17, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Mel, Breeks, you’ll be singing ‘I will survive in a minute’
(Mel the loudest as she’s drunk)
April 17, 2009 at 2:16 pm
orange juice, mel? max clifford’s number?
April 17, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Piqued, you’re my besht mate you are
April 17, 2009 at 2:17 pm
i think, actually, we should go for ‘i am woman’. whaddya reckon?
April 17, 2009 at 2:18 pm
The one that goes ‘I am woman hear me roar’?
Or a different one?
April 17, 2009 at 2:19 pm
yes, that one.
April 17, 2009 at 2:20 pm
One of the worst songs ever written. Plus it turned out to be balls seeing as women nowadays are all about the sexy-sexy and the shaking of what I believe the Americans call ‘the booty’.
April 17, 2009 at 2:22 pm
yes. little in the middle but much in the back, as i understand, is preferred. like a megane. or a pear.
April 17, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Anyway, it would be mercifully short, as i only know the one line.
April 17, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Ugh, you’re so righ NC
Ugh, dirty women, dirty
April 17, 2009 at 2:23 pm
‘like a megane. or a pear.’
car fruit?
eh?
(ugh, Jesus. Dirty)
April 17, 2009 at 2:24 pm
i am woman hear me roar in numbers too loud to ignore.
s’about all i know. actually it brings bad really bad mature-aged-uni-student-tutorial i got stuck in once. stupid mature aged students. stupid social sciences.
let’s not sing it.
let’s sing ‘hanging tough’ by NKOTB. that’s tops.
April 17, 2009 at 2:25 pm
no piqued…ah crap. i really can’t be arsed.
BORED.
April 17, 2009 at 2:27 pm
are you tough enough?
April 17, 2009 at 2:28 pm
oh yes.
i’m rough.
April 17, 2009 at 2:30 pm
You should sing ‘Blaze Of Glory’ by Jon Bon Jovi instead. They had it in Young Guns II – the best film ever made.
April 17, 2009 at 2:31 pm
slash. i would.
April 17, 2009 at 2:31 pm
No Nc, i refuse to sing that. I may be drunk, but still
April 17, 2009 at 2:34 pm
You’d shag Slash? I have it on good authority that he stinks like a sweaty horse.
April 17, 2009 at 2:35 pm
*remembers Breeks is uncommon fond of horses*
April 17, 2009 at 2:38 pm
‘Slash’
What a tit
April 17, 2009 at 2:40 pm
piqued – you just wish you thought of it first. and had as much hair as that. and played guitar as good as that. and could do literally anything, ANYTHING, whilst never dislodging the fag hanging from the corner of your plump lips.
oooh.
April 17, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Apparently, according to those handy friends of mine over at CR, he’s a thoroughly good egg of a man, and not a tit at all. No doubt this is because he’s a Britisher, Gawd Bless ‘Im.
April 17, 2009 at 2:44 pm
phwooooar breeks. He sounds like a right catch.
BTW – did Gregg ever go phwoooar at your food?
April 17, 2009 at 2:44 pm
‘Oooh’ my arse.
‘Slash’ (named after a big piss) is the eptome of what’s wrong with rock music
April 17, 2009 at 2:45 pm
mel – he did. to be fair, he does it every 5 seconds or so and as such i can’t be entirely sure whether it was at me, my tits, or someone else’s dessert.
piqued – jealousy doesn’t become your fass.
April 17, 2009 at 2:45 pm
(yes, I’ve heard he’s alright too, this makes him insincere as well as being a tit)
April 17, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Bugger, you only get to see it once an episode on the telleh.
I like it when he goes phwooar, and it was probably at your tits *and* at your food. Is he a bit of the rubby thigh type?
April 17, 2009 at 2:49 pm
yes, he’s easily flirted with for points. that said, he’s way, way better than torode.
torode’s spoilt and much less pleasingly tubby. he’s just pot-faced tubby.
April 17, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Yes, i git that impression of him. He has cat’s bum mouth to a tee.
I am just gald to hear that it doesn’t spill over to out and out lechery with Gregg though.
April 17, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Cooking, is it? Pffff …
*slinks away*
April 17, 2009 at 3:02 pm
see below for (edited) public protection report just received about the girlfriend of an offending client:-
‘Incidentally, this is the same *** ****who sprayed graffiti on the side of ****** Police Station after one of ****’s arrests last year. It is thought that she meant to write ‘Free *****’, although what she actually wrote was ‘Three *****’.’
April 17, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Brilliant, that is better than fork handles
April 17, 2009 at 3:18 pm
FLASH! AA-AAAH! KING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE!
April 17, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Christ, you made me jump then NC
April 17, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Sorry about that, Piqued. It was rather loud, wasn’t it?
April 17, 2009 at 3:30 pm
hahaha – you guys are doing well with the funny today.
But i did think the lyric was
FLASH AA_AAH SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE
April 17, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Oooh, just a bit…
Phew
I think I might need a glass of water and a little sit down after that!
I’m not blaming you, NC, but if you’re going to do that again a bit of notice wouldn’t hurt…
Sorry, I don’t mean to be a spoilsport or anything, god knows I like a surprise as much as the next girl, just ask mum! It’s just, well…
Phew!
*smiles weakly*
I really do need to lie down!
I think I shit myself
April 17, 2009 at 3:34 pm
i don’t get it.
April 17, 2009 at 3:36 pm
*has died upstairs*
April 17, 2009 at 3:37 pm
*sends wreath*
April 17, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I don’t see why I should apologise twice.
Anyway, Mel, Flash has more than one lyric, y’know? You big JESSIE.
April 17, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Why d’you need to apologise to me you great oaf? I genuinely laughed out loud.
And as we found out earlier, i am one-line lil. When it comes to all songs like.
April 17, 2009 at 3:44 pm
mel – have you been and gone to london yet? i vaguely recall talking restaurants and visits.
April 17, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Yes, i was there the other week Breeks.
I didn’t manage to get to any restaurants because i completely over booked myself with catching up with friends.
I will be back though, possibly soonish.
April 17, 2009 at 3:48 pm
ah. tops. maybe next time to scotland to see dave?
April 17, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Mel – I wasn’t bloody apologising to you, damn you! I was saying I don’t see why I have to apologise to Piqued twice for nearly giving him heart failure.
I’m never singing Flash again!
April 17, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Breeks – are you trying to matchmake today? If so, can you set me up with that lovely offenders girlfriend?
Nappers – aaaaah gwan gwan gwan, it was funny
April 17, 2009 at 3:54 pm
i’m bored, mostly.
i could if you like. she’s about to pop another sprog so get in quick.
April 17, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Phwooooaaaarrr
April 17, 2009 at 4:03 pm
OK my lovelies, I’ve had a blast, and now I’m off. Have a marvellous weekend
April 19, 2009 at 11:08 am
Enough! This ‘End-Of-Pier’ tut has got to stop.
I’ll be bound this is actually Eddie Large trying to get his own back on Noel ‘Open the box’ Edmonds for the ‘Gotcha’ all those years ago.