The Apprentice Lookalike Fun – Week 4


the apprentice 2009 paula

This week’s loser, ‘fashion conscious’ Paula Jones – ‘an academic with a love for interior design’ – is the absolute doppelganger of ‘fiery British actress’ Alex Kingston – ’ Elizabeth Corday on NBC medical drama ER.’

And for those of you who don’t agree with me (everyone), I’ve done a mock-up of what Paula Jones might look like playing three of Alex Kingston’s major roles.

paula the apprentice 2009

(From left to right:  sexy Nurse Elizabeth Corday, sexy wench Moll Flanders and sexy warrioress Boudicca.)

I guess you could say we’ve seen both the ‘Fortunes and Misfortunes’ of young Paula over the weeks.

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84 Responses to “The Apprentice Lookalike Fun – Week 4”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    This is the worst one yet.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    It’s not the best.

  3. breeks Says:

    it’s slightly desperate, no?

  4. Napoleon Says:

    I’d say it’s beyond desperate, Breeks. It seems Dave (Property Of Watch With Mothers © WWM Ltd. 2009, All Rights Reserved) has scraped the last bit of shit from the bottom of a very shallow, shit-filled barrel.

  5. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Well you all do better then. And sod you.

  6. Napoleon Says:

    You’d have been no good as neither a pupil at the School of Hard Knocks, nor as a student at the University of Life, Dave. You thin-skinned little parasite.

  7. Napoleon Says:

    There’s all sorts of crimes against English in that last sentence of mine, I fear.

  8. breeks Says:

    you did good, dave. you just aren’t living up to your potential. could do better, you know.

  9. Napoleon Says:


  10. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Do better then. All of you.

    They both have curly red hair, I don’t see the problem.

  11. breeks Says:

    that’s not red hair, dave. no. it isn’t.

    paula jones actually looks like my friend jasmine.

  12. Napoleon Says:

    You couldn’t even be arsed to stick the obligatory Apprentice background in behind Alex, you lazy sod. It’s a poor show, it really is.

  13. myopiniononstuff Says:

    That’s because I used my Photoshop skills to recreate classic Alex Kingston roles. Swings and roundabouts.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    When the image first appeared on my screen, I thought someone had jizzed all over my monitor.


  15. breeks Says:

    i nearly posted a pic of jasmine.

    then i felt i shouldn’t.

    so i didn’t.

    there are similarities though.

  16. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Nobody has suggested better.

    What about that one?

  17. breeks Says:

    that’s a ginger cane toad, that.

  18. Napoleon Says:

    That’s no better, Dave. Face it, you’ve crashed and you’ve fucking-well burned on this one, son.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    What the hell was that link Dave?

  20. myopiniononstuff Says:


    Fuck it.

    I hope you all rot in hell and have the worst weekend EVER…

  21. breeks Says:

    breakfast club style saturday detention for you dave. and you’re brian johnson.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    I think we’ve got to the bottom of Dave’s translucent skin – it’s so thin, it’s see-through. You disgust me, Dave.

  23. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’m Judd Nelson, Breeks. Judd fucking Nelson.

  24. breeks Says:

    no, dave, you’re not, cause if you were i’d be having you right now.

  25. Napoleon Says:

    *remembers Judd Nelson*
    *remembers photos of Dave*
    *remembers Anthony Michael Hall*


  26. breeks Says:

    s’like i said, nc – brian johnson.

  27. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’m Judd fucking Nelson, Breeks.

    And I’m a talented lookalikest.

    And I’m off to the pub to drown my sorrows with shandy.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, I’m definitely right about this.

  29. breeks Says:

    bye dave. goodbye.

  30. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – I don’t know the characters’ names, as I consider The Breakfast Club to be one of the worst films ever made, and have therefore not seen it since being bombarded with it by girls in the ’80s.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Cheers, Dave!

  32. myopiniononstuff Says:

    You look like this, napoleon

  33. breeks Says:

    ah naps, your inbuilt bigotry means you miss out on so much.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    It’s not bigotry, Breeks. It’s not liking a really, really shit film. There’s nothing bigoted about that, unless they’ve recently changed the definition of the word.

    I also despise Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

    Dave – I won’t be clicking on your feeble link.

  35. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’m a nice, happy-go-lucky social person in real life. And you, all on WWM, reduce me to this.

    You perverse, twisted, cynical bastards!

  36. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – I doubt that. I imagine in real life you’re like one of those twisted paedophile characters you see in shows like Frost and Cracker. The glasses and the fact you live with your elderly mother are a dead giveaway.

  37. breeks Says:

    sometimes dave makes me feel bad. shortly after, naps makes me feel better.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    Glad to be of service, Breeks.

  39. myopiniononstuff Says:

    You doubt what you want on that ivory tower of yours. I’ve seen a picture of you and you had a moustache.

  40. breeks Says:

    listen i have a couple hours to kill. who’s coming out for a drink?

  41. Napoleon Says:

    Paedos don’t traditionally sport moustaches, Dave. They’re usually either bearded with spectacles, or clean-shaven with spectacles. They’re also loners with sci-fi obsessions who live with their mothers, carrying out their crimes in isolated rural communities.

    That’s you, that is.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Two hours is the time it takes me to get to London. I’m afraid I can’t oblige, alas.

    Anyway, you’d only end up trying to stab me with a cigarette for my cavalier and loudly-voiced opinions on your gender.

  43. myopiniononstuff Says:

    They have moustaches. And type like Albert Steptoe would type.

    In fact, you probably are Albert Steptoe…living in a shit tip, moaning about the world in your own filth.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    I pity you, Dave. You sad, bitter, twisted, lonely little man.

    Actually, fuck that. I don’t pity you at all. I turn up my nose in disgust at you, you cankerous sack of fat.

  45. ugeine Says:

    Pick on someone your own size, Napoleon.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – You mousy-haired, bozz-eyed little TURD.

  47. ugeine Says:


    See, this is why you have to pick on the catastrophic non entity that is Dave, you’re probably the poor bastards role model. Breeks puts you down, the rest ignore you, and I get confused by your use of tudor english.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    And since when, by the way, did you and Dave become a double act? You’re becoming the New Dave, you know that?

    And you don’t ‘get’ stuff. You have to have it explained to you by Swineshead, you mop-topped simpleton.

  49. Napoleon Says:

    You get confused by your own language? Not really my fault that. P’raps you should get Swineshead to explain it to you a little better, eh?

  50. ugeine Says:

    The new Dave? I’d like to be the new Dave. Apart from his occasional martyr complex and inhuman ability to swallow your turgid bullshit, he seems a nice enough person.

    I don’t ‘get stuff’? That’s quite possibly the worst insult I’ve heard in my 8 years using the internet. Tell me, Napoleon, how exactly is that supposed to make me feel bad? Am I supposed to be in tears now?

    See, you can only chuck mud at those to feeble to defend themselves.

  51. ugeine Says:

    As to getting confused about my own language, I’m confused because I don’t think there such a word. I’m wrong, and so’s my dictionary, apparently.

    But as you say it’s a word, and you’re obviously a man of upstanding character, I’m inclined to believe you.

    Still, not very insulting, is it? Like I said, you need an easy target otherwise you look like a pillock.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    I’m sure, Sir Lancelot, that damsel-in-distress Dave is delighted to have one such as yourself ride to his aid.

    Oh, no, he’s probably not. Because he’s more than capable of defending himself, as he’s proved over the years. And he does it with a humour that seems to have abandoned you completely recently.

    And as for not chucking mud at folk who are able to defend themselves? Actually, I’m happy to chuck mud at anyone who comes near me, as is witnessed by only a cursory glance at the previous posts on this site. Indeed, if you’d bothered to think about it for a moment, you’d find I tend to cross swords more with the sort of people you seem to think much more capable of defending themselves against vitriol than poor, put-upon Dave.

    Like you, for instance.

    Here’s the thing, Ugeine, m’boy. How’s about cheering up and not taking it so fucking seriously in future, you miserable shit?

  53. ugeine Says:

    Seriously, this is only banter. I thought you realised that, though I’ve must have touched a nerve for you to kick your toys out of the pram with such panache.

    If you really think I’m taking this seriously, then you’re more of a fool then you let on.

    And, just in case you’ve never read one of the millions and millions of comments you post on this site every day, that’s a lot.

    Now then, stop that lip from quivering, take off that training bra, and try to come up with something that isn’t an embarrassing mess of an insult.

    I could email you a few ‘yo momma’ jokes if you like.

  54. ugeine Says:

    And for the record, calling someone a ‘catastrophic non entity’, saying they have a ‘martyr complex’, calling somebody a ‘poor bastard’ and insinuating they let you walk all over them doesn’t really count as sticking up for somebody. I only through in the ‘nice bloke’ bit because he seems to bitch at me every time I mention his name now.

    Or maybe it does in your world. This would be the same world where I’m supposed to know whateverthefuck slang you use in whatever backwater abortion of a town you grew up in. It sounds like a lovely place, mate.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    Back-tracking, eh? Clever little manoeuvre there. Always a good one – throwing it back in my face in an attempt to make it look like I was the goon all alone. Bravo! You got me, kid.

    And if you want me to come up with a less embarrassing insult, how’s about I fall back on calling you a ‘fool’? Because that cuts like a fucking knife, obviously.

  56. Napoleon Says:

    Your last comment didn’t come across as particularly jovial, by the way. I’m searching hard to find the ‘hey, only joshing with ya’ bit. Is it under that nasty ‘backwater abortion’ bit? Or the bit where you call me ‘mate’? If so, ho ho! I’m with ya there, tiger.

  57. ugeine Says:

    It seems to be ruffling your feathers enough for you to be on the internet at 7:00pm on a Friday. Considering me and you have had this blog to ourselves for the last half an hour, I can’t see why else.

    I’m at work, and reading the laughable shite you seem to think passes as a riotous slag match is only just more interesting then reading employment references from security companies. what’s your excuse?

  58. Napoleon Says:

    You’re at work? Ah well, them’s the breaks. I’m waiting for the missus to finish getting ready, then I’m off to the boozer. Sorry to disappoint, like.

    Anyway, I’ll leave you to your humourless nervous breakdown, Ugeine. Enjoy your work.

  59. ugeine Says:

    Wasn’t jovial enough for you? Do I have to kiss your balls or something?

    You seriously think, when I’m in a stress with my other half or my boss, I’m thinking ‘Just let me call them a ‘backwater abortion’, that’ll show them’?

    Bless you. No wonder you don’t have a real job.

  60. Swineshead Says:

    Having fun, lads?


  61. ugeine Says:

    I’m still here.

    I need some overtime money…

  62. Swineshead Says:

    I’m stoned out of my face and waiting for my dinner.

  63. ugeine Says:

    Sounds like a plan.

    I’m reading The Daily Mail online.

  64. ugeine Says:

    I’m off, sod this work malarky.

    NP: I did type some (no doubt) hilariously witty riposte to your comment, but you did ask me to be more jovial, so I’ll just say in all seriousness, considering I spent four years arguing daily with the type of Christians that believe dinosaur fossils are fake and a senior citizen survived on a boat full of predators for a good month, you’re a fluffy distraction by comparison.

  65. Napoleon Says:


    Right, I’m off to the pub.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Ma name’s … cough cough … You-gene, an A’hm an ornery curr. Y’see, back in the wild days of the internet, back in ’04 afore the west wuz tamed, y’all, I used to … cough cough … argue with Chrissyins and Rayssists on a doggone site we out on the frontier like to call ‘Every Sumbitch Is Darn Well Connected’. Dose wurr the days when it wuz me an’ ma doggone posse, puttin’ down ignorin’ Chrisryins with urr words. Never O-currred to me Ah wuz a-wastin’ ma time. That FOW YE-ARRS wuz wasted on cussed fools what ain’t nivver gonna see th’light, y’all?

    Indeedy, whut we wuz doing wusn’t s’much diff’rent to whut that ol ‘ N’poleon wuz doing over on YA-hoo! chat. The diff’rence wuz, surr, he spunt about eight minutes beratin’ the Christ folk, an You-jean? He dunn spen’ FOUR durn yurrs! TO SAY THE SAME DARN THANG!

  67. Napoleon Says:

    I can, of course, take anything that’s thrown at me by genuinly talented folk such as Dave. But the likes of you, Ugeine? Don’t make me fucking laugh. You call Dave a non-entity? What was it you do? Security, or something? Yes, well done. You’re a failure, Ugeine. Play with the big boys when you get y’self a decent career or some fucking talent.

    Oh, that’s never going to happen. What was it you called Dave? ‘Non-entity’, that’s it …

  68. Napoleon Says:

    I’m a bit pissed-up on The Drink, by the way.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    Fuck me. This Spotify thing’s great, Swineshead. I’m bull-lining speedballs and listening to the mighty Sugar Cubes. I fucking love them Icelandic Cubes.

    *if there’s the law about, no I’m not

  70. Napoleon Says:

    *doing any of the above, that is, officer

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Ah, Christ. I’ve written loads of stuff under the fucking influence.

  72. Nick of the T Says:

    All this on one day!

    Shit, the wrong day to be internetless.

    The house is looking luverly and thanks to using a paint roller for 4 days I have the bicep of a teenager.

  73. ugeine Says:

    Go have a really furious wank, Napoleon. You must have been thinking about me all night.

    Then we’ll take a straw poll of most important jobs on WWM. I bet cartoonist isn’t near the top. Then we’ll take a straw poll of most interesting jobs on WWM. I bet cartoonist isn’t near the top. Then we’ll take a straw poll of best paid jobs on WWM. I bet cartoonist isn’t near the top.

    I could understand your ivory tower complex if you actually did something that was worth a tenpenny f*ck.

  74. ugeine Says:

    As for your post at 12:17, it was both riotously funny and really worth typing at nearly 1 in the morning. I’ve always said you were the internet’s answer to Mark Twain.

    See, this is why you have to constantly bait people to get any kind of response. I know you like to think you’re some kind of internet bad ass, roaming around WWM in a leather jacket dispensing some home truths at a whim, but really the reason you’re constantly chucking insults at people is because when you try to be funny without insulting people the result is an awkward, embarrassing pile of unfunny horseshit that even a hyena on valium wouldn’t find amusing.

    If I typed that about you, I’d be well embarrassed right now.

  75. ugeine Says:

    So let’s get this straight.

    You go out, like normal people do on a friday night, and spend the whole night thinking of amusing and witty insults you can chuck at me.

    Then, you bound home, type this laughable bulllshit, and wait for me to repond.

    However, like normal people, I’m actually not on the internet at this point, so you wait for HALF A FUCKING HOUR (frantically pressing the F5 key no doubt, chain smoking and hastily yelling upstairs to your girl to give you ‘five more minutes’.)

    Then, bored, you realise this isn’t exactly normal behaviour, make some bollocks reference to lining up powder to try and cling to some of the dignity you’ve just willingly pissed up the wall, then fuck off.

    You need help man.

  76. ugeine Says:

    Even Dave doesn’t sink that low. Even Dave.

    I’m off now. That Spotify is great, SH.

    I’m listening to ZZ Top well drunk and smoking crack with A list celebrities and super models.

    Whoah, mentioning drug use on the internet! How fucking crazy am I! Take THAT, establishment!

    You complete and utter tool.

  77. myopiniononstuff Says:

    It’s just a blog comments section. That’s all. Somewhere to piss and moan between work, looking for work, pornography and, as I am now, watching the Formula 1.

    That’s all we’re doing here, Ugeine. There’s no deeper purpose, no hidden agenda or conspiracy. Nobody’s hurting anyone’s feelings until they cry.

    But who cares about that. I was reading the paper at the edge of the river before and some big, fat American tourist on an electric wheel chair cam whizzing to the bottom of our garden, thinking it was a public right of way. Genuinely disturbing, that was.

    Is it okay to tell a big, fat American tourist in an electric wheelchair to ‘fuck off’?

  78. Swineshead Says:

    Are you calling me a Tool, Ugeine?
    For my drug references?

    That’s nice.

  79. Nick of the T Says:

    Can everybody just watch The Inbetweeners so I can stop harping on about it?

    It’s not much to ask is it?

    It’s on the C4 catchup thing and it’s funny.

    You’ll thank me for it honest you will.

    Ug, take it easy mate eh?

    ZZ fucking Top?

  80. ugeine Says:

    Not you, SH.

    Will do, Nick.

    My brother raves on about the Inbetweeners and he’s usually right about this kind of thing. It’s on my to watch list.

  81. ugeine Says:

    Hang on, what drug references SH?

  82. Kremble Says:

    *slinks out from under rock*

    Clap clap clap clap clap clap claaaap…

    Well done chaps. I’ve had a right sod of a day today, thought I’d log onto here having had no access to t’internet for a week, and am now immensely cheered up by the Ugeine/Napolean slagging match.

    I’d say Nappers took it by a whisker, but fair play to Ugeine for appearing to be so damned straight laced and serious. Its just an act, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

    To be honest, if no-one else is going to say it, I will. Can you two just get a room, have a really rough shag and get it out of your collective systems? You can positively *feel* the sexual tension coming (ahem) out of the computer.

    *slinks back under rock*

  83. myopiniononstuff Says:

    SH – Just noticed, you changed my ‘Boudica’ to ‘Boudicca’. I’m in a state of shock because Boudica’s an accepted spelling.

    You elitest, copywriting gnome!


  84. breeks Says:

    *claps hands very slowly*

    *returns to real life*

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