Just a Thought: Desperate Housewives

by

I’d never seen this before, though I recognised some of the actors. Kyle McLaughlin from that Twin Peaks, a lady from the TV series Superman and another one from pictures of her bottom in The Sun, which caused me to look at her face after a while.

My first impression is that it’s complete and utter shit. Everything’s so garish and bright and super-real, like the first twinklings of a hastily consumed microdot at the exact moment you discover all your friends have left you alone in a strange pub. The actors themselves are all clean and symmetrical like children’s painted wooden blocks and the acting follows suit.

Of course, apart from being shit, the look of the show is entirely deliberate. It’s meant to be cod-surreal, a bit ‘weird,’ but the acting is so knowing it completely lacks any subtlety. What wit that may have existed in the first place is condensed unto an unblinking blob of soulless drudgery.

I’m very sure that the makers of this tripe knew they’d cooked a turkey; this is born out in the tooth-grinding score which seeks to emphasis the whole ‘ooh, isn’t this weird’ aspect by employing a pizzicato plinking, plonking string section to imbue every scene with a supposed quirkiness. It’s unbelievably awful. It’s so loud that, even if you wanted to hear the script, your ears have to strain round the pumps of some bored session muso earning his living on his cacky cello.

In one scene the tempo of the score sped up every time the shot featured a male, only to drop to its heartbeat pace when the female mugged into the middle distance. This drone is there all the time; it’s gradually fed into the beginning of scenes and ends them with a self-satisfying ‘plong!’ But it’s also oddly hypnotic and I’m convinced that the incidental music is the key to the programme’s ongoing success.

At first it’s mildly irritating, then it becomes intolerable and all of sudden, your tea is cold and you’ve dribbled all over your pants. The only reason I saw 15 minutes was because I was channel hopping and happened on it. You see, I saw the last 15 minutes; I made it to the end – it was the music that made me do it.

I still don’t understand.

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164 Responses to “Just a Thought: Desperate Housewives”

  1. Mel Says:

    I blame Ally McBeal, who was the forerunner of ‘quirky’ drama

    But careful about calling it shit swines, there are hundreds of people out there that would beg to differ.

  2. piqued Says:

    *ahem*

  3. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Looks like The Stepford Wives meets Sex and the City to me. Except that surely shouldn’t work because the portrayals of women in both are almost diametrically opposed.

    And who remembers Cape Wrath? What a rip-off of something that’s crap anyway.

  4. Mel Says:

    *pats piqued on the back, hard*

    Don’t choke piqued.

  5. piqued Says:

    @ SH *AHEM* !

  6. Swineshead Says:

    I changed it. Sorry – Piqued wrote this.

  7. piqued Says:

    Fangs SH

  8. Mel Says:

    I’d be careful about calling it shit, piqued, there are hundreds of people out there that would beg to differ.

  9. piqued Says:

    Go on then, Mel

    It’s shit

  10. Mel Says:

    I am not one of that number, but it has still got to, what, 5 series now?

  11. piqued Says:

    Then why say it?

    That’s like me having a pop at Christian fundalmentalism, or the 3rd Reich in the 40’s, or abortion, or *insert whatever* and you saying ‘hundreds of people out there would beg to differ’

  12. indy Says:

    *breathy female voice”

    “…meanwhile, samantha…”

  13. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Speaking of which, Mel, did you watch the new series of LOTSW this weekend?

    Please, someone who knows computers and stuff, apply the score from desparate housewives to Last Of The Summer Wine and prove, once and for all, they’re almost thematically identical.

    DH is LOTSW for glamour mag reading womenfolk.

  14. Mel Says:

    Piqued, it is not the same thing at all, i am merely saying that it is a very popular show, and they obviously do get it. I also imagine that they are the kind of people to go trolling round the internet looking for people to disagree with (disclaimer: this is not based on anything as solid as actual evidence, merely a hunch)

    Dave – no, no i didn’t.

  15. Nick T Says:

    Dave, are you being serious?
    This can be done (by me)
    Are you talking titles or the whole thing?

  16. piqued Says:

    BTW, Nappers, wherever he may be, said he was annoyed by a commentary which I celarly don’t recall in 15 entire minutes of this crap. If it did exist it was drowned out by a fucking cello

  17. piqued Says:

    The third reich were popular in Nazi Germany, Mel. In the congo they castrate women, that’s dead popular too

    No one will disagree with me, Mel, the sorts of people that like this tripe don’t have opposable thumbs…

  18. indy Says:

    i agree with np on the commentary (compare with satc-v.o.)

  19. Mel Says:

    Piqued, you appear to be morphing into napoleon. All of those faccts are immaterial to the case.

    You may, actually be correct about the opposable thumbs thing though.

  20. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Just the score, Nick. The cheap use of strings to convey a 1950s housewife feel. Or the other way round, if you please.

    They’re both similar in as much as they’re gentile sitcoms, using an anachronistic ‘what the butler saw’ sensibility to portray relaxed, almost non-existent humour.

    Just bored, aging people getting into high jinx under a sentimental backdrop.

  21. Nick T Says:

    So the opening titles then?
    I may tinker, tinker I may….

  22. piqued Says:

    ‘All of those faccts are immaterial to the case.’

    They are not, just because some people like it I can still find it shit. I just did in faccct.

  23. Mel Says:

    Ok piqued, and no-one was disputing that. No one.

  24. indy Says:

    dh owns as much to stifler’s mom as it does to ally mcbeal/satc etc. they could have named it m.i.l.f’s hour…

  25. breeks Says:

    i can never and will never watch this show cause the bastards stole my name to use for a mental ginger character.

    wrong.

  26. indy Says:

    (depeche mode tribute)

  27. indy Says:

    wrong.

  28. Mel Says:

    I’m off to Berlin to see them in a couple of months – yay.

  29. Mel Says:

    Will be cool no?

    I am going with the sister outlaw.

  30. indy Says:

    …and i am going to see them in copenhagen

  31. piqued Says:

    …and I’m seeing them in London

  32. Mel Says:

    ooh, that was spooky, how did that happen? Indy’s comment was before mine…

  33. indy Says:

    scary shit. my comments swapped places as well

  34. indy Says:

    *adds strings sound effect to point out kookiness*

  35. Nick T Says:

    I’m seeing Elvis Costello and The Bronsky Quarted on Wednesday.

    *wins*

  36. Mel Says:

    I’d rather see his dad, frankly. He wrote and starred in the R Whites secret lemonade drinker ads.

  37. Nick T Says:

    His son did backing vocals….

  38. Mel Says:

    I think i learned that from you previously, nick, but well done on the musical trivia.

  39. Sue De Nymh Says:

    I managed to sit through one series of DH before I got sick of the plinky-plonk “there goes the punchline” strings and the smug voice-over. I’ve always hated Terri Hatcher from when she was in Superman, I hated her stupid dithering character in DH and that I found that ginger woman’s lacquered face disturbing (pun stolen from b3ta). The only good character was the ginger one’s husband and they killed him off halfway through series one.
    .
    From the handful of scenes I’ve watched in the ensuing series, I’ve got the impression that once the lead actresses got wind of how successful the show was, they started to dictate to the writers what kind of storylines they wanted.
    .
    It’s like ‘Sex And the City’ without either the ‘City’ or the ‘Sex’.
    It’s just ‘And The’.

  40. Mel Says:

    Sue, to be fair, their was very little sex in SATC as well. Except some implied stuff with Samantha

  41. breeks Says:

    mel – i’d have to argue that most of samantha’s sex was not implied but quite explicit in a non-porn-classified way.

  42. breeks Says:

    shit.

    yes.

    sue.

    (sorry mel).

    hug?

  43. Mel Says:

    let’s all hug *extends arms*

  44. breeks Says:

    shit.

    no.

    i meant mel.

    (sorry sue).

    hug?

  45. indy Says:

    shit.

    no.

    kiss?

  46. Napoleon Says:

    Apologies to Ugeine. I’m a great big TWAT.

    Anyway. I’m in a Russian internet cafe surrounded by shifty-looking Russians. They may, or may not, be Oligarchs.

    Piqued’s right about Desperate Housewives. It’s a big pile of shit.

  47. piqued Says:

    Sue, I have it on good authority that Terri hatchet-faced Hatcher has breasts like the last tangerine in the net bag

    What the ruddy hell do you say about that?

  48. Sue De Nymh Says:

    huh???

  49. Sue De Nymh Says:

    Piqued, I’d ruddy well say that she has also got a face like the last tangerine in the net bag (plus the acting talent to match).

  50. breeks Says:

    also why are they housewives? don’t some of them work? if they’re not dying, or getting fat, or psychotic, or whatever….

  51. piqued Says:

    Sue has a point, they’re all orange (or Tangerine)

    (or satsuma)

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Most of ’em do work, so the title’s a lie.

  53. piqued Says:

    and they’re not really ‘desperate,’ not like Desperate Dan desperate for a short crust pastry meat pie with horns sticking out the top

  54. breeks Says:

    so the title’s a pile of shit, hatcher’s tits are shit, the show’s a piece of shit.

    tricky, this.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    So what should it be called, then?

  56. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Cow pie? And that made me laugh out loud, Piqued.

  57. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Mistresses?

    Oh, wait…

  58. piqued Says:

    Cow Pie isn’t a bad title for it actually

  59. Mel Says:

    They should show this shit on BBC 3 – the shitwit’s channel.

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Saggy-Titted Not Especially Desperate Women With Jobs?

  61. breeks Says:

    they could call it cancelled, that’d be good. then there’s not be MY NAME on telly anymore, being cheapened by american tat…

  62. Napoleon Says:

    I imagine it’ll get cancelled like all American shows – after they’ve made seven thousand episodes of it, and there’s not one person left in the world still watching.

  63. Swineshead Says:

    I’m just speeding through The Inbetweeners. It’s quite good.

    Bumder.

  64. Napoleon Says:

    What’s that?

  65. piqued Says:

    I’ve seen one of those, it’s not bad at all

  66. Napoleon Says:

    What is it?

  67. Sue De Nymh Says:

    Why not call it Middle Aged Suburban American Slags?

  68. Swineshead Says:

    It’s on TV on Demand Nappers – in comedy.

    It’s a sitcom about sixth formers and is better than i expected….

  69. Napoleon Says:

    Can you say ‘slags’ nowadays?

  70. Nick T Says:

    (told you so)

    Valentines one = tops

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Oh, that. The thing with him with the glasses on and his friends? I’ve caught parts of that (if it’s the show I’m thinking of), and it seemed alright from what I saw.

  72. piqued Says:

    ‘The thing with him with the glasses on and his friends?’

    I was rooting around for the identity of some of characters and that’s certianly cleared that up in my mind

  73. Nick T Says:

    I haven’t goty tv in my new office yet.

    Antiques are being sold without my knowledge!

  74. piqued Says:

    Is ‘goty tv’some sort of mafia network?

  75. Nick T Says:

    Jean Paul Gotyair TV

  76. Napoleon Says:

    I couldn’t think of a better way of describing it, Piqued. I don’t know what anyone’s called in it.

  77. breeks Says:

    ryvita, anyone? it’s dry, much like this post.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Haven’t eaten a Ryvita in years. Do they still make the ones with sesame seeds on?

  79. breeks Says:

    yes.

    (they’re actually quite yum).

  80. piqued Says:

    They do NC, the best of a bad bunch if you ask me

  81. Nick T Says:

    I like the ones with dried fruit in them.
    Ryvita, not slags

  82. Napoleon Says:

    I used to like them. You can fit two Bird’s Eye beef burgers in between a couple of ’em and make a very peculiar burger.

  83. Swineshead Says:

    That would be a very weird burger indeed.

    Thanks for the recommendation Nick, I would have dismissed it like the blinkered twat I am otherwise.

  84. Mel Says:

    can’t we get a guest appearance from Roszs to review this one? For old times’ sake.

  85. Napoleon Says:

    You’ll eat anything when you’re drunk. And anyway, I had nothing else in the house at the time. I’d already mopped up the week-old bacon fat out of the frying pan with two slices of stale bread, so it was the shitty Ryvita burger or nothing.

    Fell to bits, of course …

  86. piqued Says:

    There is a fat woman in the office offering around sweets. Disgusting

  87. piqued Says:

    …Christ she’s now laughing… has she no shame?

  88. Napoleon Says:

    What sort of sweets are they?

  89. indy Says:

    piqued: sends out mixed signals doesn’t it

  90. Nick T Says:

    Are they Chewits?

    I used to love Chewits.

  91. piqued Says:

    Chocolate Éclairs if you please. I’d have thought she’d at least choose something with Sorbitol in it, you eat too much of that and you’ll shit yourself thin in about 30 seconds.

    She’s still chuckling away as if she’s not a care in the world. Unbelievable

  92. Napoleon Says:

    They were nice, were Chewits. They used to have a Godzilla-type character in the adverts, if memory serves. Or was that Toffoes?

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Chocolate eclairs? Another thing I’ve not had in donkey’s years. I fancy some now you’ve mentioned ’em.

  94. Mel Says:

    Bloody hell, you’ll be wanting spearmiint pips and chewing nuts next Nappers.

  95. Nick T Says:

    “Chewing nuts”

    *giggles*

  96. Napoleon Says:

    Chewing nuts! With the squirrel on the tub? They were fucking lovely, them.

  97. breeks Says:

    what the feck are chewing nuts?

  98. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    I was bored on a plane once and ate the entire packet of complementary smints. It meant 8 hours in a cramped plane cabin followed by 24 hours in a cramped hotel toilet emptying myself of everything but my intestines. On the plus side, I did have minty-fresh breath.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    They were these wee toffee balls covered in chocolate, Breeks.

  100. Mel Says:

    chocolate covered toffees, Breeks. The toffee had its own unique flavour, which i cannot describe adequately. Let’s say it tasted cheap. YOu would get such delights by the quarter in old fashioned sweet shops.

  101. Swineshead Says:

    I’m preoccupied by chocolate limes. I can’t work out why they work.

  102. piqued Says:

    Bloody nice they were, it wasn’t real chocolate which made them even tastier

    You can still buy them in this sweet shop I went into near The New Forest recently

  103. breeks Says:

    ah. like cobbers (australia) or milk duds (america), i should think.

    i loved cobbers. they’d glue my mouth shut for hours. i reckon mum liked me eating them too, as a result.

  104. Napoleon Says:

    Chocolate limes are lovely.

  105. Nick T Says:

    I’d like to make a suggestion.

    Along with “Thought for the Day” and “Newsgush” etc, there could be an occastional feature on something on TV that’s good. That way we could perhaps talk a little more about the subject instead of slagging of crap tv (which IS good fun, don’t get me wrong)

  106. Mel Says:

    citrus and chocolate iis a classic combination Swines – also works for oorange and chocolate.

  107. piqued Says:

    http://www.keepitsweet.co.uk/catalog/product_info.php/cPath/51/products_id/507?gclid=COiutpzj_5kCFR9hnAod0St9QA

  108. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    There’s a shop in Whitby that sells all old sweets like these.

  109. piqued Says:

    http://www.aquarterof.co.uk/chewing-nuts-p-466.html

    better still

  110. Nick T Says:

    Any form of milk gum, either bottle or button shaped

  111. Napoleon Says:

    WWM does occasionally cover good stuff, Nick. That zombie telly show was one. Erm … and there’s been others, probably.

  112. breeks Says:

    i like that they ‘may’ contain artificial flavours and colouring, which implies also that they may not.

  113. Nick T Says:

    I live near the New Forest P. Where were you?

  114. Napoleon Says:

    Hedging your bets, I suppose.

  115. Mel Says:

    a bit like “may contain nuts on a packet of peanuts.

  116. piqued Says:

    Lyndhurst

  117. Nick T Says:

    Godzilla WAS the Chewits monster.

    “It’s eating everything in its path!”

    I know Naps, would be nice to enthuse (?) a little more

  118. Napoleon Says:

    It was the Chewits one, was it? I liked that monster. I also liked them Weetabix cartoon people, the Tetley tea-bag fellas and them KP monks.

  119. Nick T Says:

    I like Lyndhurst. The harbour is nice to sit and watch with an ice cream.
    Weirdly it turns a bit drunken in the evenings.

  120. Nick T Says:

    Or am I thinking of Lymington?

  121. Swineshead Says:

    You’ve a point Nick, I’ve been trying to think of ways of doing it properly.

    When I’ve come up with something then The Inbetweeners’ll be in there because I like sitcoms where children are lathered in projectile vomit.

  122. Swineshead Says:

    I also like covering Nicholas Lyndhurst in ice cream, then sitting and watching.

  123. piqued Says:

  124. Mel Says:

    SH – how about Post of Praise? A bit like Songs of Praise, but with fewer christians.

  125. Nick T Says:

    How about “Actually, this is quite good!”

    I AM thinking of Lyminton.
    Lyndhust is all antiques, cream tea and middle class white folk…..

  126. Napoleon Says:

    Nicholas Lyndhurst confuses me. On the one hand he’s Rodders, and therefore alright in my book, but on the other he’s all of the other shit characters he’s played, and therefore a shithouse. I can’t make up my mind.

  127. breeks Says:

    i like cream tea. it’s a treat.

    mmmm. jam and cream and scones.

    YUM.

  128. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    How about an ‘Improved’ genre, where a contributor or panel of contributors suggest ways of improving something shit. That’d also be positive, though there are obviously only so many ways to tie a bow round a turd.

  129. piqued Says:

    NC

    Goodnight Sweetheat

    The man should be deported

  130. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – That was an awful show. Watched every single episode, and it got no better. I reckon it did for the career of that fat one who used to be one of the brothers in Bread.

  131. Mel Says:

    And that awful shit that he was in about living with your partner. I forget the name of it now, but can remember the theme tune in horrible clarity.

  132. JonR Says:

    i watch DH with my wife. it is mind-rotting but i quite enjoy it.

    charlie brooker already did the “plinky plonky” skit btw.

  133. Napoleon Says:

    Mel – The Two Of Us. That was awful.

  134. Nick T Says:

    This has great music!

  135. piqued Says:

    ‘charlie brooker already did the “plinky plonky” skit btw.’

    Can’t say I’m surprised if he did, it’s sheer constant pain

  136. Napoleon Says:

    Surprised you didn’t notice the smug dialogue at the end of the show, Piqued. Sends a shiver of revulsion right through me, does that.

  137. fourstar Says:

    “The man should be deported”

    I read that as “deepthroated” which was deeply disturbing.

    Has anyone mentioned football yet?

  138. Florent Didier Says:

    Rodders wins out, despite the awful sitcoms he’s been in after Fools and Horses.

  139. Mel Says:

    Butterflies was also OK, i think, but i was less than five when that was on, so i may be mistaken…

  140. Napoleon Says:

    Nicholas Lyndhurst needs deepthroating? You’d make a fortune if you set that up as a specialist website. Even heterosexuals wouldn’t be able to resist having a look to see how he got on.

  141. Mel Says:

    NC – that is the one – ugh

  142. breeks Says:

    oooh – that had penelope keith in it, no?

    i had (and likely still have) a lady-crush on her.

  143. piqued Says:

    NC, I’d really lost the plot at that point. The booming cello had killed all known perception

  144. Mel Says:

    Breeks – what Butterflies? No, it had Wendy Craig in it, i think she is in the Royal now.

  145. Napoleon Says:

    Butterflies was bloody awful. The only good thing about it was Geoffrey Palmer. And that’s only because his bloodhound face is so watchable.

    “I’m a doctor and I want my sausages!”

  146. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Are you thinking of The Good Life?

  147. Mel Says:

    It was filmed in Cheltenham, so I used to watch it to see if my dad was on it (he was a copper in cheltenham at the time)

  148. piqued Says:

    Wasn’t he a dentist NC?

    I fancied Leonard

  149. Nick T Says:

    Or “To The Manor Born?”

  150. Florent Didier Says:

    Butterflies was twee rubbish much like that dreeadful My family.

  151. breeks Says:

    anything, really, with her.

    dead wendy craig?

  152. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – I can’t remember what he was in Butterflies. I was referring to his performance in Fawlty Towers.

  153. Mel Says:

    No, Breeks, she was Wendy Richard

  154. breeks Says:

    ffs.

  155. Florent Didier Says:

    Mel have you noticed how popular Keeping up Appearances is in the low lands?

  156. Napoleon Says:

    Wendy Craig’s dead? When did this happen?

  157. piqued Says:

    Leonard was Wendy Craig’s fancy man.. hung like an Arabian stallion

  158. Mel Says:

    DINLT – no, i have managed to miss that one, thankfully. However, they cannot get enough of Uri flaming Gellar.

  159. breeks Says:

    uri-gellar-michael-jackson’s-best-friend-uri-gellar?

    like david-gest-michael-jackson’s-best-friend-david-gest?

  160. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – The one with the moustache and the fancy coat?

    I’ve just typed ‘goonies reunion photo’ into Google images, and one of the thumbnails is of a hairy naked man. I don’t remember a hairy naked man in The Goonies. Was it an extra on the DVD or something?

  161. Mel Says:

    Yup, one and the same. If you ever wondered how he still could afford to live in the lap of luxur, despite being entirely shit, then now you have your answer. It is the fault of dutch TV.

  162. Mel Says:

    ooops, luxury, not a place in Egypt, natch

  163. Napoleon Says:

    Living in the lap of Luxor sounds quite fun. Except for the tourists, the lack of any facilities and all the weirdo insects they have over there.

  164. Nick of the T Says:

    Wendy Craig isn’t dead…..

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