50s CD Set Adverts

by

sounds of the 50s

“Hi! I’m Bobby Hi-Lites from Bobby Hi-Lites and the Hi-Lites. I miss the 1950s, back when the kids were down at the drive-in with The Fonz and The Big Bopper in their bobby socks, drinking milk-shakes and listening to Buddy Holly on their pink Cadillac car radios in their home towns, drag-racing their buddies on the strip. In the ’50s.

Do YOU miss the ’50s too? If you do, you need One Billion Hits Of The ’50s. It’s a seven thousand CD set that whisks you back to the now copyright-free days of the good old 1950s. Except for 1959, because most of that year’s music wasn’t out of copyright when this compilation was produced. Jive on!

One Billion Hits Of The ’50s includes:

Shang-A-Lang-A-Lollipop by Beet Rooter and the Beetroots
He Came To Ask My Father For My Hand by The Mister Sisters
Whole Lotta Hello Baby by The Rowdy Reveller
I’m In Love With A Fourteen Year Old Beauty Queen by Sexton Paedophiles

This limited edition CD set isn’t available in the shops. Simply ring 0900 900 90901290 and we’ll send you all seven thousand CDs absolutely free to try at home for a fourteen day period. If you’re not entirely satisfied after your trial period’s up, simply send them back to us unopened and we’ll be …

*time passes*

… of the glory days of rock ‘n’ roll, minus 1959! You’ll relive every single memory you ever had of the 1950s in this amazing seven thousand CD compilation set …

*more time passes*

… and that’s not all! Order today on 0900 900 90901290 and we’ll also send you When My Baby Cries – a fifteen CD set featuring the B sides from such ground-breaking singles as …

*Mount Everest erodes to dust*

… that’s right! One Billion Hits Of The ’50s is the perfect gift for Father’s Day. What father wouldn’t want to relive those carefree days of his youth? When things were better and you could listen to such hits as …

*the Sun runs out of juice*

… no money now! Simply ring 0900 900 90901290 for your no-obligation seven thousand CD set of One Billion Hits Of The ’50s. This offer is not available from …

*universe folds in on itself*

… under no obligation to buy this fantastic …”

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90 Responses to “50s CD Set Adverts”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Do you remember the advert for ‘Raptou’, the all in one slicer, dicer, blender, grater, cement mixer and lamp? It went on for a good half hour listing every credit card option and with a flimsy demonstration…

    Need help in the kitchen?

    Then RAPTOU is for you!

  2. Swineshead Says:

    *echo*

  3. Matt Says:

    I used to watch hour long informercials and QVC when off my tits in the early hours, if that helps? I never bought anything from them though.

  4. breeks Says:

    does this come with a free set of steak knives?

  5. Napoleon Says:

    I remember the Raptou. I used to keep furtively glancing at my wallet, stoned and drunk, not sure whether to buy one or not. I do a similar thing now with that sharpening block that not only sharpens normal blades, but also serrated ones as well!

  6. Napoleon Says:

    There’s also that one for the sharpest knife in the world. It even cuts through cans! THROUGH CANS!

  7. breeks Says:

    steak knives? what’s the free shit what comes with this musak?

  8. breeks Says:

    also – http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/apr/22/365-nights-charla-muller-sex

  9. Thumper Plowman Says:

    There’s one over here for an all-in-one mail grooming kit that can have you throwing out your shaver, hair clippers, nostril trimmers etc for one magic device that does it all. I think the average mediterranean male is their target market. Actually, come to think of it, they should also be marketing it to the women.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    I always need to cut through cans as my tin opener is wonky, and I can’t work out how those new ones work.

    In thread competition time!

    I’m currently recording (badly) a bassline and I have no lyrical theme. If you can come up with a decent idea for what the lyrics should be about I will write those lyrics using Wikipedia as my guide and YOU will be credited as CO-SONGWRITER.

    I might even ask Nick to add some bits to make it sound good.

    I also admit I actually quite liked the look of the Raptou.

  11. Thumper Plowman Says:

    male grooming kit. Jesus.

  12. Thumper Plowman Says:

    Unless you need to shave your gas bills.

  13. breeks Says:

    the lyrics should be about the power of love. love for dave.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve got a nasal hair trimmer because, frankly, my nose growth is out of control.

  15. breeks Says:

    or can we have a song about puppies and booze, currently two of my favourite things….

  16. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    I must admit I am rather taken with “The National Society of Television Heritage”.

  17. Napoleon Says:

    Can we have a song about the 1985 Weights & Measures Act?

  18. Badger Madge Says:

    hit the random article button and that’ll give you inspiration. i just did it and got http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E.T._Adventure

    i know it’s random, but because i GAVE you ths idea, i still want my credit when you write our hit, yeah?

  19. Swineshead Says:

    I have to say I’m rather liking the ‘song for Dave’ idea… fancy helping with vocals Napoleon?

    Seeing as you’ve already written the lyrics, like.

    hmmm mmmm hmmm walking parents’ dog in the park
    it’s not your dog
    mmm hmmmm wank in the dark… hmmm mmmm

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I’ve been rendered silent by my laptop fucking up, I’m afraid. My beautiful singing voice will never be heard again*.

    *until I can be arsed to go to Curry’s to buy a space-age recording device.**
    **which won’t be today as I’m drawing six pairs of legs.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    Blast. I’ll do it on my own then (you bastard)

  22. Nick T Says:

    Speaking of Dave, I did a video for him of the opening titles of Desperate Housewives with the music of Last of the Summer Wine.
    I also found that Canned Heat song.

  23. Nick T Says:

    I don’t get paid for this, oh hang on though…

  24. Napoleon Says:

    How am I a bastard? Surely it’s Toshiba wot’s the bastards? They’re the ones who built the fucking laptop that’s done broken! I’m an innocent bystander, I am.

    *stands by*

  25. piqued Says:

    Someone bought my mum one of those Raptou things. It’s still in its massive box on top of the cupboard

  26. breeks Says:

    song for dave.

    breek’s idea.

    i’m confused sh – you have the lyrics or the vocals?

  27. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry Napoleon – you’re still a bastard but you’re a lovely bastard. Alright?

    This Dave song’s turning into one of the most uplifting ditties I’ve ever written.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    I just was after an idea for lyrics, and now I’ve got em – thanks to YOU breeks.

  29. piqued Says:

    Does it involve the massive box the Raptou comes in? My dad could fit in that and he’s a man

  30. Swineshead Says:

    He is a man, I’ve seen a picture. And he’s got an enormous beardface. In a good way.

  31. piqued Says:

    He used to look like Bluto SH. Sadly now it’s all gone grey and he looks like Cap’n Birds Eye

  32. Napoleon Says:

    I suppose I can live with that.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    Live with what? Piqued’s Dad?

    That’d make a good sitcom.

  34. charlie mingles ( at work) Says:

    morning chaps! hows life in cyberspace these days?

    swinesey old boy – wazzzaaaaaaap!?

  35. charlie mingles ( at work) Says:

    nice to see you havent even been arsed to change the clock settings, you workshy bunch of layabouts.

  36. Excelsior Says:

    I don’t pay my license fee to have wonky internet clocks.

  37. piqued Says:

    It would SH, the sexual frisson would be palpable.

  38. Napoleon Says:

    I can live with being a loevly bastard, not Piqued’s dad. I’m not keen on beards, me.

  39. Swineshead Says:

    Look – there’s Mingles.

    *points*

  40. charlie mingles ( at work) Says:

    thanks swinesy. I knew someone out there cared. ah, its great to be back boys.

    *weeps*

  41. breeks Says:

    in oz popeye’s arch enemy and, clearly, piqued’s dad, was known as Brutus.

    oh yes. top name, that.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles is dead to me now. DEAD.

  43. charliemingles Says:

    *hugs napoleon warmly*

    ah, as I say, its great to be back lads.

  44. piqued Says:

    *Watches*

    *unzips*

  45. charliemingles Says:

    you filthy old bastard piqued.

    *weeps with joy*

    off to m&s to get lunch.

  46. piqued Says:

    *zips up*

    Blast

  47. Matt Says:

    It slices, it dices.

  48. ugeine Says:

    I fell for something like this. In a stoned stupour, I was browsing in HMV and walked off with about fifty of those nondescript ‘latin Funk’ type comilation CDs, on sale for about 3.00 each.

    Never listened to one.

  49. charliemingles Says:

    have K-tel or Ronco been mentioned yet? they always used to do these sort of things – back in my day.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    What I don’t understand about all these TV CD offers is the 14 day trial they always offer. Don’t these companies realise we’ve had the means to record off of CDs for a while now? Or are they simply relying on honesty?

  51. Napoleon Says:

    I forget who does them now. Time-Life?

  52. piqued Says:

    ‘latin Funk’

    Isn’t that a smell?

  53. piqued Says:

    Most of these types of advert are now redundant thanks to the likes of QVC and Price Drop and all that other shit between Dave and ITV4 on Freeview.

    I bet not one of you can sit through more of minute of it without thinking more laterally about suicide bombing.

  54. ugeine Says:

    Possibly.

    All I know that four CDs of jazz funk isn’t as great as it sounds.

  55. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I bought a Perry Combover CD for four pounds, Ugeine. Gave it to my gran and pretended it was expensive.

  56. charliemingles Says:

    i thought I was dead to you napoleon? you contrary fucker.

    *hugs the bald old cunt*

  57. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Bald, old cunt…

    Send my love to your mother, Mingles.

  58. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I take that back immediately.

  59. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Hmm…

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – You ARE dead to me. That doesn’t mean I can’t talk to you. Just remember I’m doing it bitterly.

  61. charliemingles Says:

    nothing has changed.

    I love ths place.

  62. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Is Time-Life a combination of Time magazine and Life magazine? If so I’ve lived a very ignorant life thus far.

  63. charliemingles Says:

    Help me out here:

    is ‘myopinionstuff’ just ginger dave relaunched? or an actual human?

  64. charliemingles Says:

    did you ever get round to another podcast?

  65. Napoleon Says:

    It is just Dave, yes. Dave and his favourite biscuits (the Pink Wafer).

  66. charliemingles Says:

    in which case then, this site is very much a virtual version of last of the summer wine … same 3 or 4 old fuckers endlessly repeating the same old shit.

    Which is why I love it!

  67. Napoleon Says:

    You decrepit old cunt.

  68. piqued Says:

    Steady on NC

    Mother reads this

  69. ugeine Says:

    *chases Napoleon with a broom*

  70. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry … you decrepit old fucker.

    Better?

  71. Napoleon Says:

    Booze and fags are going up again, I see. That’ll be a relief to our already struggling pub trade. BASTARDS.

  72. charliemingles Says:

    whats wrong with the word ‘cunt’ piqued? has it gone all PC in here since in left? I blame the blacks!

  73. indy Says:

    charlemingles: “bumder” is apparently the “new” “c*nt”

  74. piqued Says:

    Booze and fags prop up the economy NC. What gets my goat is when the gov announce that smokers and drinkers will be denied organs/treatment when there various ailments inevitably come to fruition.

    These heroes have virtually paid for the fucking NHS in selfless acts of henosnistic abuse. Society needs these pioneers of the piss pot and this is how the fucking gov re-pay them. CUNTS

    (sorry Mother but I do have a point)

  75. piqued Says:

    ”their’ various ailments’ nautrally

  76. charliemingles Says:

    and YOURE the decrepit old cunt napoleon.

    Doesnt mark e smith have a painting of you in his attic?

    Mingles
    *not in the least bald either*

  77. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Crumbs..the UK has borrowed more in the last 2 years than all other governments since the birth of the Bank of England put together!

  78. piqued Says:

    We need that dance teacher from Fame to counter that with ‘…and this is where you start paying. In sweat’

    *strokes Leroy*

  79. Napoleon Says:

    You bald CUNT, Mingles! CUNT! I

  80. charliemingles Says:

    Indy: I’ve no idea who any of these fly-by-night johnny come latelys you speak of are.

    this site was all different in my day, oh yes …

  81. charliemingles Says:

    so easy napoleon, youre sooo easy.

    Hug??

  82. breeks Says:

    *wonders where mel and clarry are*

    *needs friend*

    *needs another girl around the place*

  83. indy Says:

    *dresses up like girl*

    brad pitt. ponies. make-up.

  84. breeks Says:

    well, ponies you have right, the rest not so much.

  85. indy Says:

    well. i did my best.

    trumpets? bookmarks?

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – I tried watching that horses thing last night, but had to stop when I nearly put my foot through the TV because of that awful woman that presents it. Instead, I watched the Louis Theroux paedo programme, but had to stop it when I nearly put my foot through the TV thanks to all them paedos. So then I watched an episode of Minder, but had to stop that when I nearly put my foot through the screen thanks to Shane Ritchie being an arsehole. So instead I watched last night’s recording of Holby … anyone know if that’s the end of the line for that new student doctor fella?

  87. breeks Says:

    i watched the whole horsey show, naps. it was quite moving at the end, she managed to get through the barrel race without falling off. i nearly tear’d up.

  88. Matt Says:

    I watch a small amount of lunchtime TV throughout the week. I noticed the other day that smarmy git Jeremy wotsit is plumbing new depths on some awful 2pm UK doctors surgery type thing that’s so quiet you can hear the clock ticking.

    Did I dream this?

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Possibly, Matt – I haven’t seen it.

    If you mean Mr Kyle, I think that’d qualify as a nightmare.

  90. Hyperpigmentation Treatment : Says:

    when it comes to car radios, i prefer to use either Alpine or Pioneer. they are really great brands.,”

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