The Apprentice 2009 – Who Will Win? Week 5

Clue: It ain't gonna be this cream puff

Clue: It ain't gonna be this cream puff

The numbers are falling as we approach week six, with Kimberly now one of the five contestants sent packing and hurtling away from Brentford in a black cab. Some great comments last week and a handful of newcomers, so let’s see how our sweepstakish competition is getting along, this time with no dirty tricks. I have my list to hand and an eye on last week’s comments to see who’s backing who…

Napoleon, fourstar, Exelsior and Mel are still in the game, backing boorish bulldozer Phillip with his made up face and straightened hair. The big girl. ‘I’m just a big head from Durham who sells houses’ said Phil this week. And he was quite right, though I doubt he sells that many… Unbelievably, THREE new Phil supporters joined the lad’s ranks last week. JohnP and OffensiveMango added their names to the roster, with BadgerMadge also picking him as Maj went out some time ago.

Ugeine and Nick of the T continue to follow the doomed Noorul who is probably the mopiest Apprentice candidate we’ve seen. Not content with looking like rigor mortis has just set in, he couldn’t even have a giggle while dressed as Pantsman – preferring to sulk in a garage instead.

Lord Milky and myopiniononstuff (aka Dave) still back (the unusually silent this week) Debra – and Steve joins their number. Are they mad?  ‘Debra’s a cow’ Clarry added, ages ago.

Sue De Nymh has her money on Kate and after seeing Walshy at her best this week, it’s starting to look like a sound bet. One for the final? There’s definitely something going on in that head of hers.

Your host Swines and ELM still pursue the pixie-like Yas. They also rummage through her bins and steal her underpants from the penthouse washing line. The filthy perverts.

Scantregard follows Ben. Expertly silenced by Kate in Week 5, will Ben ever have a chance to show his softer side? Does he even have one? Or is his whole being as rough and ungodly as that hideous unshaved chin?


Oh, Ruudboy! And you only joined in last week! Kimberly was unable to handle the grumpiest team she could’ve hoped to have got, and she ended up in the back of the black cab’s dreaded enclave. Bad luck, Ruud – pick another!

Not yet picked

Still unpicked, like schoolboy Swines at the five-a-side selection:

  • Howard
  • James
  • Mona
  • Lorraine

Anyone else care to throw their hat into the ring, nail their colours to the mast or shout the odds? Come and have a go if you believe you’re hard enough!

Stop being so bloody juvenile!

That means YOU, Piqued. Suggesting someone called Simon when there’s nobody called Simon in the bloody competition is just SILLY.


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113 Responses to “The Apprentice 2009 – Who Will Win? Week 5”

  1. breeks Says:

    um. excuse me. where am i?


    *stamps foot*

  2. Napoleon Says:

    Although I’m obviously pleased that my horse is still in the race, I’m at the same time annoyed he’s turned out to be such an arsehole / big girl’s blouse. And that ‘lad from Durham’ shtick pissed me off. He’s trying to gain kudos with the old man by pointing out that he, too, has come from humble origins. The arse-licking wanker.

  3. pelle Says:

    Can i pick James – hopefully he’ll last a few more weeks until a front-runner emerges, then get fired just in time to let me to jump ship to the, hopefully, obvious contender

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Breeks – you haven’t chosen anyone!
    Last week you chose ‘The BBC’

    Pelle. Alright, you can have James.

  5. piqued Says:

    Yasmina then, she’s the only one who has a sense of humour

  6. breeks Says:

    no. i chose the BBC the week before that.

    last week i chose ‘internet bloggers’, thank you very much.


  7. piqued Says:

    …unlike me today

    *leaves for the sake of dignity*

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Gah! Breeks – I’ll amend next week, you ruddy idiot.

    Piqued – NOTED! (Good choice).

  9. breeks Says:

    i am not an idiot. you are. you missed my nomination last week.


  10. Swineshead Says:

    Good choice on Yasmina I mean, not leaving.

    Breeks. You are not an idiot. I am an idiot. But we knew those things already.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Sorry, I mean I’m a spoon.

  12. Badger Madge Says:

    James was quite good this week. I mean, the editors did very well this week. Making Ben AND James come off reasonably well.

    Which means they also pulled it off last week with Phil. I hate him. I HATE him.

    And that is why he’ll win…

  13. Nick T Says:

    Noorul she not he.

    I haven’t seen enough of this rubbish to form a decent opinion.

    As far as I can tell so far though, all the men are idiots.

  14. breeks Says:

    a nice spoon, swineshead. a swiney-flavoured one. but a spoon, nevertheless.

  15. charliemingles Says:

    can someone choose for me please. Ive never seen it, you see …

    *closes eyes excitedly*

  16. TIAL Says:

    Is it too late to cast my vote? I’ll go for Kate I think. Suralan seemed really impressed with her after this week. Plus (call me a cynic) I think they’ll want to keep her in for her looks and potential flirtations with Phillip.

  17. Nick T Says:

    Pick the one with the nicest name Mingles.


  18. Napoleon Says:

    I just don’t see Phillip winning this bugger. Kate, possibly. Or what’s ‘er name.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Nick – Noorul is a bloke.

  20. charliemingles Says:

    SH: I’ll cast my vote for lorraine then, for no good reason. which is always a sound basis on which to make any important decision I find.

    can we change each week? or are we stuck with the twat till theyr kicked out?

  21. Excelsior! Says:

    Im abit concerned about my man Phil now. He seems to have some kind of personality disorder. Like being an arsehole.

  22. breeks Says:

    charlie – you can choose who you like.

    except for me cause sh has this week refused me choice.

    i have been wronged.

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – I think we’re stuck with our twats. I don’t make the rules.

  24. Nick T Says:

    Then I have been following the wrong one then. The black woman, she’s the one for me.

  25. Badger Madge Says:

    isn’t it wrong to still be voting when we’re weeks in? not fair to t’others me thinks…

  26. breeks Says:

    i think you can still vote if (i) you’ve not chosen someone and there are names left in the free-pool and (ii) if your person has been chopped.

    or not.

  27. charliemingles Says:

    what do we win? I have to have some incentive.

  28. offensive_mango Says:

    I loathe Phil, mind. It’s just that I picked him before the show started. It’s like a kind of masochism.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles has a point. What DO we win?

  30. Excelsior! Says:


    *in bad geordie accent*

  31. Nick T Says:

    What is her name?
    Is it Debra?

  32. Badger Madge Says:

    i agree breeks, but then isn’t it unfair if you sneakily/cleverly waited on purpose for a smaller pool?

  33. breeks Says:

    well, i suppose that assumes one is being sneaky/clever by not choosing till the pool is smaller, madge.

    i think i get around that by having never watched an episode of the show and being disinterested in the result enough to not have yet bothered to pick an actual contestant as the potential victor.

    if only swinsey-fass would acknowledge it.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    You win a secret prize that is, for now, secret. It might only be the esteem of everyone here.

    As for smaller pools, LIFE ISN’T FAIR.

    Besides, what do I win, old Swines, what do I win for setting it up?


  35. Badger Madge Says:

    i’m sure he will.

    maybe you’re being ultra-clever by saying you’re not being clever/sneaky though…


    *brain hurts*

  36. Badger Madge Says:

    sh: i’ve got some dried carrot sticks from this morning…

  37. breeks Says:

    i am not sneaky or clever enough to be sneaky or clever. sh knows this.

    sh – your prize is our continued return, every day, slavering after a prize that doesn’t exist.

  38. Badger Madge Says:

    it… it doesn’t exist???



  39. breeks Says:

    nor does money, apparently, or carrots.

  40. Badger Madge Says:

    oh no. the carrots exist. i’m munching on them now. did you want them sh?

  41. charliemingles Says:

    SH: how about a second hand ford cortina?

    I believe napoleon still has one unclaimed from one of his many succesful competitions.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry, I’ve not read all these comments. We win some carrots?

  43. Abby Says:

    hello, I am new, I’ll go for Howard, why not eh? He seems pretty sensible – check out the ‘don’t slap your own arse in a business meeting’ advice

  44. Napoleon Says:

    Hello, Abby. Your choice is SHIT. You’ll never win, d’ye hear? NEVER!

    Welcome to WWM.

  45. breeks Says:

    has anyone CRB checked Abby?

    *looks around*

  46. Napoleon Says:

    I hadn’t thought of that. She / He may be grooming us.

  47. Badger Madge Says:

    abby, i also noticed his uber-cool “let’s stop arguing infront of clients” advice.

    have you got sweets for me?

  48. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t want to get all bummed-up off of an internet paedophile.

  49. Badger Madge Says:

    careful nappers, i asked my mate if he was a paedo – as a joke – the other week and he started crying. truth.

  50. breeks Says:

    interesting response, madge.

  51. breeks Says:

    and i say that as a child protection professional, yeah.

    *adjusts glasses*
    *adjusts cardigan*
    *adjusts sandals*
    *adjusts short hair*
    *adjusts life with a cat*

  52. Napoleon Says:

    He started crying? I hope you reported him to the police? Those tears sound suspiciously like tears of guilt over the dirt he’s got stashed on his hard drive. There’s no smoke without fire, Badger.

    Which is why Barry George will always be guilty as far as I’m concerned. The Dando-murdering BASTARD.*


  53. Badger Madge Says:

    as i apologised profusely (he didn’t get that it was a joke, badly timed by me, as he came back from the bar. i said his t-shirt made him look like a paedo, and then asked if he raped babies), he told me it was the nastiest hting anyone’s ever said to him.

  54. breeks Says:

    ah. context. had he just bought you a drink?

  55. Who Says:

    I don’t mind being groomed. Unless it’s off Dave. That would be wrong.

  56. Badger Madge Says:

    he’d just got a round in. plus we were already joking about it at the bar, so he came in late.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    He’s definitely got something to hide. Has he offered you any puppies recently?

  58. breeks Says:

    who – good point.

    naps wouldn’t bother with grooming. he’d just get straight in.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    No point hanging around. No! Wait a minute …

  60. Badger Madge Says:

    shit. maybe HE was a bused as a child…

  61. Napoleon Says:

    Badger – How were you to know? You can hardly go around checking if everyone you accuse of raping babies was raped as a baby, can you?

  62. Badger Madge Says:

    that’s a good point nappers.

    fuck him. him and his messed up id.

  63. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Who would love to be groomed by Dave. I’m the Heathcliff of WWM, don’t you know?*

    *The bloke from Wuthering Heights, not the animated cat.

  64. breeks Says:

    abby disappeared fast.


  65. myopiniononstuff Says:

    And when I say Who I mean Who, I wasn’t posing a question. But the answer would be everyone.

  66. Napoleon Says:

    Is an ‘id’ like a ‘chi’? I’m not up on any of these fancy hippy things.

  67. myopiniononstuff Says:

    The id is that bog monster from The Forbidden Planet. The one made of electricity that the old alien civilisation created from their vast intellects.

    If anyoen else wants a brainy question answering just email me at any time of the day, I’m always here.

  68. Who Says:

    Dave, you’ve just totally spoilt Wuthering Heights for me. For ever. You complete and utter bastard.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – You see yourself as a swarthy, handsome moorlander? Are you on fucking drugs?

  70. charliemingles Says:

    Dave – what’re you up to these days dave?

    I hear youve seen sense and moved up to scotia.

  71. breeks Says:

    did i mention that i am only 2-degrees from dominic west? yes?

    basically i know him.

    (i just found this out).

  72. Badger Madge Says:

    i meant ti type kid.

  73. Napoleon Says:

    Mingles – ‘Seen sense’ isn’t really the right phrase. ‘Been forced to thanks to being a massive failure at everything’ is more appropriate. Still, he gets to see his mother’s dog …

    Breeks – Who’s Dominic West? Is he one of these pop stars?

  74. breeks Says:

    he is The Wire.

  75. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – you’re joking right? About the word ‘id’?

    If not: google Freud.

    Abby! Welcome to WWM. Your choice has been logged in my log.

  76. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I moved up to Scotland out of a great admiration for the area, Charlie Mingles.

    And I spent the whole day in Sulwath Brewery sampling ales. That’s one of the pleasures of this great land. Fuck St George, I’m with the Scots now.

    ‘Oh Flower O’Scootland, etc…’

    They even have a beer called ‘The Grace’, CM. I love it.

  77. myopiniononstuff Says:

    It was a joke, SH. I know a little of Freud. Super ego, shagging your mother (no, Napoleon) and making women smoking cigarettes, etc….

    It was a joke.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Breeks – Oh, the fella off of 300. You should have said. I’ve given up on The Wire again. There weren’t enough shouting, racist Nazis in their underpants fighting elephants in it for my liking.

    Actually, is there any other type of Nazi than a racist one?

  79. charliemingles Says:

    dave – welcome! welcome sir into the great scottish fold.

    where abouts are you in our fine land?

  80. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Dumfries and Galloway.

  81. Napoleon Says:

    Fine land?

  82. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    The Earl of Dumfries used to race in F1, he drove for Lotus and was teammate to the great Ayrton Senna.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Wonder how he afforded that …

  84. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Yes. Have you not seen Local Hero? You Enlgish types with your suits and fancy haircuts just don;t understand what life’s about like us Scots.

    I saw the arora borealis last night and I wept. I’m not ashamed to admit that for I, as a Scot, understand the true beauty of God’s splendor.

  85. myopiniononstuff Says:

    DINLT – The David Coultard Museum is just a stones throw from me. It has nice brum brum cars but, needless to say, the trophy cabinet’s about the size of a modest Welsh dresser.

  86. breeks Says:

    splendour, dave. and aurora borealis.

  87. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I’m a Scot, Breeks. I have no respect for your ‘English’ language anymore. If you wish to continue your comments in Gaelic I might bother to spell proper.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    Must have missed this ‘fine land’ stuff. Is it hiding behind the 1960s tower blocks full of drug addicts and alcoholics?

  89. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Dave..Coulthard was very good, 13 Grand Prix wins, (and innumerable podiums) that’s 13 more than , you, me and the Earl Dumfries put together.
    Also Coulthard has a very impressive list of former girl friends.

  90. breeks Says:

    you irish, dave?

  91. Pi Says:

    Hi, first time post on this site.

    My money is on James, he’s a bit of a space man, but he is the only candidate who isn’t a moustashe and top hat away from pure evil.

  92. Napoleon Says:

    You’re not Scotch, Dave. Though it pains me to claim you as one of our own, you’re an Englishman whether you like it or not. Just because you have to move back to your mother’s house with your tail between your legs after ruining your life through idleness and wanking, it doesn’t entitle you to claim someone else’s nationality. I doubt they’d ‘ave you, frankly. They’re a proud race, after all. Proud, and difficult to pin down location-wise when it’s their shout at the bar, like.

  93. breeks Says:

    CRB for Pi, please.

    *waits nervously*

    where are all these people coming from?

  94. myopiniononstuff Says:

    I think you’ll find that the Scottish took Gaelic from the Irish and made a hybrid called Scottish Gaelic which included bits and bobs from Manx.

  95. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Dave you are British mate, and if you wish to be Scottish in respect to your new neighbours, then I think that it is commendable. Will you be wearing a kilt?

  96. breeks Says:

    you need to be clear, dave, otherwise i’ll give you the wrong gaelic.

    scottish gaelic’s not advanced enough to have words like splendour and aurora.

  97. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Hi Pi.
    (It rhymes).

  98. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Well, perhaps I FAVOR American-English. You numpty.

  99. Swineshead Says:

    Pi – your vote is noted.

    No idea where they’re coming from but the more the merrier as far as I’m concerned…

  100. charliemingles Says:

    napoleon – yes, as I say – fine land.

    one full of violent alcoholics, granted. but fine not the less.

  101. breeks Says:

    of course more the merrier. as long as we’re in no danger, yeah.

  102. Nick T Says:

    They’re coming via the BBC website I reckon.

    *flogs podcasts and soul*

  103. myopiniononstuff Says:

    It’ll soon be time for my lookalike to emerge. I’ve sweated over it this week.

  104. Nick T Says:

    We’re all behind you Dave.
    Except Ug, probably….


  105. Swineshead Says:

    No sign that the BBC are responsible this time…

    Dave – when lookalike number 5 is ready, email me to let me know?

    swineshead at epicwinmedia dot com yes???


    *heart attack*

  106. myopiniononstuff Says:


    Although it looks shit at the moment. I may have to do it again. Far too much effort that it’s worth but I’ll do it for WWM. And why? Because I fucking love it! It’s the air I breathe.

    I’m off.

  107. Nick T Says:

    Did you see Dave?
    I did that Desperate Housewives Last of the Summer Wine thing.

    AND I found the name of that Canned Heat track AND posted a spotify link!

  108. myopiniononstuff Says:

    Brilliant, Nick. I’m not sure what kind of monster we’ve created but it’s a funny one.

  109. ugeine Says:

    Noorul is a dark horse, mark my words. With this weeks episode, no news was good news.

  110. NoisyOyster Says:

    Fist-time poster on WWM (I’ve always lurked before).

    Can I back Kate please.


    Would any WWMers like a sweetie?

  111. extremelisteningmode Says:

    I’d like a sweetie.

    Also, i’m sticking with Yas, she’s done nothing to deserve me casting her asunder. i’m now finding her even more strangely sexual.

    The Apprentice hardcore porn site – it’d make money. I’d raise a point about ethics just now but THEY ARE APPRENTICE CONTSETANTS, and would therefore do anything. Like those people you used to see on The Word (there’s one for the kids!)

  112. Kremble Says:

    *sneaks out from under rock*

    Late, late, late bid for a vote here, but I’ve just got back from hundreds of hours slogging my guts out for our beloved NHS.

    Can I vote for the blonde bird Kate? It’s hers to lose, surely.


    *sneaks back under rock, curls up and sleeps*

  113. Tanna Sochor Says:

    Informative article, just what I needed.|

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