Welcome to Booze Britain!
That’s right! From the cradle to the grave, we Brits are drinking ourselves stupid in an orgy of boozy indulgence not seen since the heady days of the 18th century. Indeed, we’re so drunk, television has had little choice over the last few years but to document our inexorable slide into alcohol-induced insanity with a series of programmes such as Drinking With The Girls, Booze Britain, Street Crime UK and Brits Abroad. And they’re all ace because they hold a window up to our souls, and show us who we really are – pissed-up dregs hockling mashed-up kebab into a gutter with our trousers round our ankles.
Huzzah!
So to celebrate the coming together of this country’s two favourite pastimes of drinking far too much and television, we here at your rather woozy Watch With Mothers invite YOU to share your most interesting boozed-up experience.
Did you go out on the lash and end up married to a small family car? Were you astounded to wake up the next day with your head stuffed up your own anus? Or did you simply eat lots and lots of dog dirts, resulting in blindness and paralysis?
Let’s have no morbid stories, please, we’ve all got plenty of those. Instead, let’s stagger into a wall, pull down our flies, think we’ve flopped the old fella out when we haven’t, and piss boozy anecdotes all down the trouser leg of Friday.
WWMers: Mine’s a pint!
Tags: Alcohol, Beer, Booze, Booze Britain, Brits Abroad, Cherry Healy, Culture, Drinking With The Girls, Entertainment, Media, Street Crime UK, Television, The Friday Question, TV, Vodka, Watch With Mothers, Wine
Watch With Mothers 
April 24, 2009 at 8:49 am
tv-related booze memory: helen mirren in prime suspect is waiting for a man to come and visit her. she has done this fancy dinner and everything and that bastard is late. so what does she do? she starts drinking of course and by the time her “date” comes home she is a mess.
April 24, 2009 at 8:51 am
Passing out in the toilets at The Borderline, then repeatedly sicking down my front in the taxi home…..
Oh I told a blonde stranger (my younger brothers friend) that I loved her. All on the same night.
Back in the 80’s (cos it was legal then?) drinking copious amounts at a bar in the Seven Dials at lunchtime, then unable to find my car for 30 mins (it was a black taxi, yes one of those) then driving home to Heathrow.
I have better stoner stories….
April 24, 2009 at 8:52 am
The Borderline Nick…that brings back memories.
April 24, 2009 at 8:52 am
dude!
April 24, 2009 at 9:04 am
Asking a chav with a skinhead if he was gay, just to wind him up, and getting a little headbutt in return. That was last satuday.
April 24, 2009 at 9:05 am
ugeine: medal of honor!
*puts medal on ugeine’s chest*
*wookie roars*
April 24, 2009 at 9:07 am
It was well worth it.
April 24, 2009 at 9:11 am
sharing a minicab back to west london with a dude i didn’t know and giving him a free pash as we passed marble arch.
having relations with richard attenborough’s grandson.
am slurry.
mostly i get more annoying than i am already, which is quite.
April 24, 2009 at 9:15 am
i went home to my halls with a girl at university, don’t really remember getting home, but woke up about 4 in the morning stark naked in a black bin liner on the floor and the young lady nowhere to be seen – it is still a mystery…
April 24, 2009 at 9:20 am
Ugeine – I was headbutted by a skinhead when he discovered I supported a different football team to him. It was my fault – what I should have done was go back in time and tell my younger self to support Notts. County. Then me and the skinhead would have been friends. We could have even gone to Nazi rallies together.
April 24, 2009 at 9:22 am
Passing out in toilets and sicking down self is something that happens quite a lot, on the sauce. If you’re a commited drinker.
I think my best booze epic occurred one afternoon, evening, night, early hours of the morning, morning and afternoon of a summertime in Sheffield. I will try to break it down.
First Afternoon:
– Drinking beer in a West Street pub with female pal.
– Female pal chats up barman and begins talking about prons.
– Barman gives her a video of him having sex with and being peed on by a P3 girl.
– Swines agrees with girl that he will copy the vid for profit.
First Evening
– Goes home and starts drinking homemade vodka directly from a demi-john and tries in vain to copy video.
– Goes to pals house and is fed K and shrooms, falls off bike on way home as drugs kick in, scratches face up.
Early hours
– Returns home to home-made vodka and continues trying to copy video depite the fact he is in another dimension and seriously injured.
– Succeeds in copying video at 3am
– Calls The Sport and tries to flog video to them despite fact P3 Girl is one of their own. Blackmail, essentially.
Morning
– With no success, and now seeing things that aren’t there, proceeds to hoover front garden with broken vacuum cleaner.
– Girl who got video off barman’s boyfriend hears what Swines is up to, gets angry for some reason and comes to his house to punch his soft face.
– Flatmates protect Swines as he hides under a duvet by a sofa.
Afternoon
– Swines escapes to a friends house and sleeps in the cupboard.
– Swines is woken up by his brother who has travelled from London for his planned 21st celebration.
Next Evening
– Swines goes out and gets drunk again.
April 24, 2009 at 9:23 am
laws – I love the black bin liner element. Superb!
April 24, 2009 at 9:24 am
your hard, swines. hard.
April 24, 2009 at 9:24 am
OMG sorry apostrophe error. unforgiveable.
April 24, 2009 at 9:26 am
I drank a pint of beer once. It was horrid.
April 24, 2009 at 9:26 am
Breeks –
I was a moron, now I am an angel – a booze-free moronic angel!
April 24, 2009 at 9:26 am
Sue – that’s not the spirit.
April 24, 2009 at 9:27 am
“what I should have done was go back in time and tell my younger self to ……….” Nap.
The number of times I should have done that!
April 24, 2009 at 9:28 am
i admire your booze free-edness. i actually do.
i have done a million stupid and potentially life-killing things whilst on it. thank god i got a bit old and tired.
April 24, 2009 at 9:31 am
listen – i’m watching ‘my life as an animal – horses’ and i gotta say nutkins? not so much…
April 24, 2009 at 9:34 am
“what I should have done was go back in time and tell my younger self to ……….”
sending back a bloodied and drunk version of yourself would only make it worse. if i was headbutted by a skinhead i would most probably go back in time to convince my younger self to bring a knife to the club. just to get interrupted as we speak by a slighty younger version of my self with a knife in his head to mumble like a zombie about bringing a gun.
April 24, 2009 at 9:35 am
[…] 09:23:40 · Reply · View Swineshead: Your best stories of boozy trouble please! https://watchwithmothers.wordpress.com/2009/04/24/the-friday-question-booze-time-stories/ 2009-04-24 09:23:40 · Reply · View hashwordpress: RT @csolanor #joomla #drupal […]
April 24, 2009 at 9:35 am
I recorded that horses show. Why did I record that?
DINLT / Nick – Your younger self would tell you to get lost and display the same surly attitude I showed Nappers when we saw each other in a Sheffield nightclub having not seen each other for 5 years.
April 24, 2009 at 9:36 am
I’m sure i must have some happy-go-lucky booze tales but they’re lost in the alcoholic haze of time. These days i just get morose and go home early.
April 24, 2009 at 9:36 am
you recorded it swinesy, because horses are key.
April 24, 2009 at 9:36 am
Indy – You’d probably then have a younger version of yourself staggering in riddled with bullets, muttering something about nuclear weapons.
April 24, 2009 at 9:37 am
“I recorded that horses show. Why did I record that?”
Because you’ve gone mad? It’s a pile of shit of a programme, and the presenter needs the words ‘POSH BITCH’ branded on her forehead, the posh bitch.
April 24, 2009 at 9:38 am
He sounded like a reasonable gentleman, Napoleon.
April 24, 2009 at 9:39 am
np: i would probably have jean-claude van damme kicking my ass for messing with history.
April 24, 2009 at 9:40 am
Indy – You’ve reminded me of fcuking brilliant indie-horror-time travel-thriller TimeCrimes – one of the best films I’ve seen this century.
April 24, 2009 at 9:40 am
‘my life as an animal – stud’
höhö
April 24, 2009 at 9:41 am
swineshead:
friend?! friend? friend?!
*two thumbs up*
April 24, 2009 at 9:41 am
I told bonhead from Hollyoaks he was a sick fuck in a nightclub toilet in leeds. In my drunken state, was having trouble telling the difference between television and reality, and in Hollyoaks he had his dead mum hidden upstairs.
April 24, 2009 at 9:42 am
“DINLT / Nick – Your younger self would tell you to get lost and display the same surly attitude I showed Nappers when we saw each other in a Sheffield nightclub having not seen each other for 5 years.”
The only time in my life when I’ve been genuinely crestfallen, I’ll have you know. I was jollied-up on booze, having a great time, and here was my old chum Swineshead. I was actually delighted to see him, believe it or not, and how did he act? Like a spoilt fucking kid who’d just been told he couldn’t go out until he’d tidied his room. That surly little bastard.
April 24, 2009 at 9:42 am
I feel my drink-fueled confession of shitting myself during my graduation ceremony has been well documented on these pages previously …
April 24, 2009 at 9:43 am
“He sounded like a reasonable gentleman, Napoleon.”
For resorting to violence over my failure to support Notts. County? Well if that’s the sort of monkey you think’s reasonable, good luck to you.
April 24, 2009 at 9:43 am
when drunk i turned down the offer of a shag from an ex-big brother contestant.
clearly i would’ve accepted had i been sober.
April 24, 2009 at 9:44 am
naps – presenter of ‘my life as…’ isn’t posh. ‘horse people’s’ alexandra tolstoy is posh. yeah. learn your poshes.
April 24, 2009 at 9:45 am
posher than bryan ferry?
April 24, 2009 at 9:46 am
Oh, I thought you meant the posh horse woman. My apologies.
April 24, 2009 at 9:47 am
I have never lost control of my bladder/guts whilst sozzled, but many of my male friends have. Is this a particularly male affliction? Any WWM girls have a piss scented skeleton in the closet?
April 24, 2009 at 9:51 am
*reads back question*
hmm, asking girls if they’ve pissed themselves. Im a charmer i am.
April 24, 2009 at 9:54 am
‘For resorting to violence over my failure to support Notts. County? Well if that’s the sort of monkey you think’s reasonable, good luck to you.’
What else was he supposed to do? Peacefully respect your difference and go about his day like the millions and millions of non violent football fans that populate this country? That’s literally unthinkable, that is.
The other day I met a Hereford fan who had the bad manners to tell me he was a Hereford fan as well. The bastard! Things coyuld have got pretty ugly, but thankfully I blew off his kneecaps with a shotgun.
April 24, 2009 at 9:56 am
Well I suppose when you put it like that …
April 24, 2009 at 9:56 am
I like the way complete strangers occasionally decide to despise me because I support Arsenal. Those Spurs fans are strange creatures.
April 24, 2009 at 9:57 am
I once mistakenly misjudged, what I thought, was an offer of a Carry on….type threesome.
Desperate (and drunkenly!) trying to repair the damage, I wandered back to the party (mine and my flatmates) naked in front of the assembled guests only to be slapped in the face by my then girlfriend, Then, collapsing against a wall with blood running down my cheek.
My guests, used to this kind of drunken nakedness, completely ignored me…..
April 24, 2009 at 9:59 am
Nick – that’s reprehensible behaviour. You’re an honest (and foolish) man.
April 24, 2009 at 10:00 am
I’ve been loathed by a fair few Arsenal fans in my time. A gaggle of ’em chanting ‘JEW-BOY! JEW-BOY! JEW-BOY’ at me was a particular favourite.
What they didn’t realise was … ho ho .. I’m C of E!*
*In the British sense, that is.
April 24, 2009 at 10:03 am
Breeks – an ex-Big Brother contestant? Spill the beans; who was it? Cameron? Jonty? John Tickle? Spiral?
April 24, 2009 at 10:04 am
i actually can’t remember which, there’ve been so many.
a bloke. definitely a bloke. in a boozer in shepherds bush.
April 24, 2009 at 10:05 am
By the way, I was woken to the sweet sounds of Carly Simon’s ‘Nobody Does It Better’ coming from my clock radio this morning. “Yes, Carly,” I muttered, half-asleep. “Nobody does it better than you, my darling.”
So that’s me in the doghouse for the weekend.
April 24, 2009 at 10:09 am
Sue – Must’ve been Jonty.
Napoleon – Possibly the sweetest wake up call in the history of radio. I was woken up by someone shouting abuse at someone else in the street.
April 24, 2009 at 10:15 am
She’s got the voice of an angel. Nobody does it better than lovely, lovely Carly Simon.
Shame her record company’s fallen out with YouTube and they’ve pulled all her records. I’m reduced to watching Cat Stevens do his thing when I’m hammered nowadays.
April 24, 2009 at 10:16 am
I can’t actually recall anything that embarassing I’ve done when pissed, which is rather the point of drinking, surely. You act with impunity and then throw up.
April 24, 2009 at 10:18 am
Itried to get the members of punk band The Dropkick Murphy’s to sign my nipple after a gig once. They didn’t. the pseudo Irish wankers.
April 24, 2009 at 10:21 am
I omited a few details for the sake of the children but I was not entirely to blame….
April 24, 2009 at 10:22 am
Well my heart’s bleeding …
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8015303.stm
April 24, 2009 at 10:23 am
but I was not entirely to blame….Nick.
Wise words Nick.
April 24, 2009 at 10:26 am
ugeine: the dropkick murphy’s – what’s the point? why did you want them to sign your nipple to start with?
April 24, 2009 at 10:27 am
Hear Hear, NP.
April 24, 2009 at 10:29 am
For the same reason I thought it’d be a good idea to go down some stairs in a shopping trolley last month. Alcohol.
April 24, 2009 at 10:31 am
not jonty.
no. darker of skin. less irish.
April 24, 2009 at 10:33 am
breeks: Eh?
April 24, 2009 at 10:33 am
Actually, I do recall screaming ‘bring me the head of PC Blakelock’ at the police who were responding to a fatal road accident on the A3 near Tolworth about 20 years ago.
I felt bad right after I did it, especially when an avuncular copper looked at me and said softly, ‘come on son..’
April 24, 2009 at 10:36 am
Oh, I was sick on my mums head from my bedroom window
April 24, 2009 at 10:37 am
…and her lap
April 24, 2009 at 10:40 am
I rang my mother up at two in the morning and pretended to be Cornish. My God but I didn’t enjoy waiting for the inevitable phone call the next day. It was like waiting to be executed.
April 24, 2009 at 10:43 am
Piqued: I’ve done that as well! When I was drunk, I was sick on your mum’s head.
April 24, 2009 at 10:44 am
I rang my mother at 3 in the morning to ask her why Edward Woodward has so many ‘d’ s in his name.
She didn’t find it funny.
According to wiki Mr Ewar Woowar has most recently appeared on Eastenders
April 24, 2009 at 10:46 am
When I was younger I was out drinking and a friend came back to my house once the pubs had closed. My mum was ill at the time so I told him to be careful not to wake her up when he had to go the toilet. The next day I discovered that he had gone out and thrown up in my neighbour’s garden rather than risk waking her up. That’s true friendship for you. We’re still friends.
April 24, 2009 at 10:48 am
Message to a younger DINLT of recent times.
“If you are going to be “taken by the rhythm of salsa”,it would help if you had a basic grasp of the steps”.
April 24, 2009 at 10:48 am
Ginger – He died last night (the character, not Mr. Woodward). It wasn’t as interesting a death as those you can see in Universal Soldier.
April 24, 2009 at 10:49 am
anyone see this?
April 24, 2009 at 10:49 am
I remember when you called my house at 2am and repeatedly told me you were at Grantham hospital with a broken nose.
April 24, 2009 at 10:52 am
I threw my friends fingerless gloves out of the window out of spite, then clambered onto the windowsill and pissed on them from a height.
April 24, 2009 at 10:57 am
Piqued – He’s pissed off the Scotch, apparently. Ah well.
April 24, 2009 at 11:00 am
He’s like a journo version of Elton John
April 24, 2009 at 11:02 am
I enjoyed it when Dimbleby told him to shut up. The fruity old goose looked right uppity.
April 24, 2009 at 11:04 am
Hey! At Club Tropicana, drinks are FREE!
April 24, 2009 at 11:11 am
He needed to tell the pompus little shitwind to shut up
April 24, 2009 at 11:15 am
From Popbitch
Word of the week: Daggering. Hospitals in Jamaica report a big increase in men breaking their penises, from the craze for “daggering”, or ultra-rough sex.
Good Lord
April 24, 2009 at 11:22 am
daggering? wtf?
i cannot figure out what daggering involves. and i’m swedish.
April 24, 2009 at 11:29 am
Indy – “Ultra-rough sex” – there’s your clue.
April 24, 2009 at 11:29 am
btw, has any of you terrors ever sniffed glue?
April 24, 2009 at 11:32 am
My ex once snapped a chaps banjo string. Apparently she, and I quote, ‘unrolled him to his balls in a lake of blood.’ He had to go to A & E and have stiches.
April 24, 2009 at 11:33 am
Me and a few friends used to inhale lighter gas when we were at school. Russian roulette, that was.
April 24, 2009 at 11:34 am
I never did gas NC, see anything good?
Also off Popbitch, this is quite awful
April 24, 2009 at 11:35 am
Thanks for that mental picture P.
I haven’t but a friend used to. He said it felt like he was in a cartoon.
April 24, 2009 at 11:37 am
Popbitch links? Bah.
I did the lighter fluid thing – awful.
April 24, 2009 at 11:38 am
See anything good? Not especially. You get these three light dots arranged into a triangle shape pounding backwards and forwards towards your vision, and your hearing start going ‘WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW’ in rythm to it. I’m not sure, but I think that may be the first sign that you’re having a brain hemmorage.
Think overdosing on gas ‘n’ air, but more violent.
April 24, 2009 at 11:39 am
i still don’t get the daggering stuff. ultra rough…
is daggering when trying to make a new body opening in your partner using your penis to penetrate his/her skin?
April 24, 2009 at 11:39 am
Oh, and your voice sounds gloopy.
April 24, 2009 at 11:40 am
Sorry SH, the dog thing has to be seen to be beleived
*waits for NC*
I did glue twice, I threw up the second time. It felt like someone had put my brain in a washing machine and pulled my spine off. The cartoon analogy Nick mentioned is spot on
April 24, 2009 at 11:42 am
Gloopy like Droopy?
April 24, 2009 at 11:43 am
I thought daggering was a dance.
April 24, 2009 at 11:43 am
Solvents don’t contain any hallucinogens so you’re not likely to see anything, are you?
It just, in the words of my schoolmate Dave Baxter (an awful turd), ‘makes you feel like there’s a small version of you inside your body and he’s a wanker’
April 24, 2009 at 11:44 am
Sort of weirdly deep and odd. It’s like you’ve got an invisible object in your mouth you’re trying to talk past.
As Swineshead says, it’s awful. And extremely dangerous, kids, don’t forget that.
I’d give ether a bash instead, if you can get it. That stuff’s fucking ace.
April 24, 2009 at 11:45 am
Ether? How the hell did you get hold of that?
Ketamine is similar to solvents but with the vaguely hallucinogenic aspect, and minus the banging headache, spots and sore nose.
April 24, 2009 at 11:46 am
You don’t get hallucinations, no. Just your brain going tits-up and you witnessing it. Really, it’s just a vision and hearing fucker. FUN!
April 24, 2009 at 11:48 am
‘makes you feel like there’s a small version of you inside your body’ that’s very good though, despite your mate being a wanker
What NC says about something in your mouth, it’s like your heart is stuck in your throat and your neck has grown tits.
April 24, 2009 at 11:48 am
“Ether? How the hell did you get hold of that?”
There was a chap we used to know at school who went on to be a chemist when we all grew up, and he used his new career to steal stuff and make his own drugs. Mixed it with ethanol and inhaled it, and it was like getting pissed-up without going to the bother of drinking.
April 24, 2009 at 11:49 am
I’m going to shatter all this drug talk in a minute with visions of a singer-songwriter with a Napoleon complex.
April 24, 2009 at 11:50 am
Drug talk’s boring. I’d do the shattering now, if I were you.
April 24, 2009 at 11:51 am
Gas = nice
April 24, 2009 at 11:57 am
‘Drug talk’s boring’
Didn’t stop though did it, eh EH
April 24, 2009 at 11:57 am
the cool kids in my school (when i was about 14 years old) used to strangle themselves or do this crazy hyperventilation thing.
April 24, 2009 at 11:59 am
Same here Indy. Something to do with fainting.
April 24, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I remember people doing that too. Did it have a similar effect to spinning round and round with a broom in your hands, looking up at the broom?
April 24, 2009 at 12:10 pm
“spinning round and round with a broom in your hands”
in sweden we call that one “the desperate housewife”
April 24, 2009 at 12:14 pm
We regularly stole chloroform from the chemistry lab at school and inhaled it – but thats also been well documented previously.
*has no more amusing anecdotes*
*falls on sword*
*hopes splashy suicide attempt will fail, thus ensuring at least one amusing anecdote left*
April 24, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I’ve had too many, usually involving projectile vomit all over strangers or work colleagues, but I remember getting out of it on pink champagne and falling asleep on the bog at the train station. I’d reached my destination and stupidly nipped in for a pee before starting the long shuffle home. I lost a couple of hours at least in/on there.
April 24, 2009 at 12:24 pm
When I was a youf worker, kids used to inhale petrol from their scooters.
This resulted in a dark ring around their little gobs and passing out.
Ahhh, thems was the dayz
April 24, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Bless the magic of youth.
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