The Friday Question: Booze-Time Stories


Image by BP Perry

Welcome to Booze Britain!

That’s right! From the cradle to the grave, we Brits are drinking ourselves stupid in an orgy of boozy indulgence not seen since the heady days of the 18th century. Indeed, we’re so drunk, television has had little choice over the last few years but to document our inexorable slide into alcohol-induced insanity with a series of programmes such as Drinking With The Girls, Booze Britain, Street Crime UK and Brits Abroad. And they’re all ace because they hold a window up to our souls, and show us who we really are – pissed-up dregs hockling mashed-up kebab into a gutter with our trousers round our ankles.


So to celebrate the coming together of this country’s two favourite pastimes of drinking far too much and television, we here at your rather woozy Watch With Mothers invite YOU to share your most interesting boozed-up experience.

Did you go out on the lash and end up married to a small family car? Were you astounded to wake up the next day with your head stuffed up your own anus? Or did you simply eat lots and lots of dog dirts, resulting in blindness and paralysis?

Let’s have no morbid stories, please, we’ve all got plenty of those. Instead, let’s stagger into a wall, pull down our flies, think we’ve flopped the old fella out when we haven’t, and piss boozy anecdotes all down the trouser leg of Friday.

WWMers: Mine’s a pint!

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125 Responses to “The Friday Question: Booze-Time Stories”

  1. indy Says:

    tv-related booze memory: helen mirren in prime suspect is waiting for a man to come and visit her. she has done this fancy dinner and everything and that bastard is late. so what does she do? she starts drinking of course and by the time her “date” comes home she is a mess.

  2. Nick T Says:

    Passing out in the toilets at The Borderline, then repeatedly sicking down my front in the taxi home…..
    Oh I told a blonde stranger (my younger brothers friend) that I loved her. All on the same night.

    Back in the 80’s (cos it was legal then?) drinking copious amounts at a bar in the Seven Dials at lunchtime, then unable to find my car for 30 mins (it was a black taxi, yes one of those) then driving home to Heathrow.

    I have better stoner stories….

  3. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    The Borderline Nick…that brings back memories.

  4. indy Says:


  5. ugeine Says:

    Asking a chav with a skinhead if he was gay, just to wind him up, and getting a little headbutt in return. That was last satuday.

  6. indy Says:

    ugeine: medal of honor!

    *puts medal on ugeine’s chest*
    *wookie roars*

  7. ugeine Says:

    It was well worth it.

  8. breeks Says:

    sharing a minicab back to west london with a dude i didn’t know and giving him a free pash as we passed marble arch.

    having relations with richard attenborough’s grandson.

    am slurry.

    mostly i get more annoying than i am already, which is quite.

  9. laws Says:

    i went home to my halls with a girl at university, don’t really remember getting home, but woke up about 4 in the morning stark naked in a black bin liner on the floor and the young lady nowhere to be seen – it is still a mystery…

  10. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I was headbutted by a skinhead when he discovered I supported a different football team to him. It was my fault – what I should have done was go back in time and tell my younger self to support Notts. County. Then me and the skinhead would have been friends. We could have even gone to Nazi rallies together.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Passing out in toilets and sicking down self is something that happens quite a lot, on the sauce. If you’re a commited drinker.

    I think my best booze epic occurred one afternoon, evening, night, early hours of the morning, morning and afternoon of a summertime in Sheffield. I will try to break it down.

    First Afternoon:
    – Drinking beer in a West Street pub with female pal.
    – Female pal chats up barman and begins talking about prons.
    – Barman gives her a video of him having sex with and being peed on by a P3 girl.
    – Swines agrees with girl that he will copy the vid for profit.

    First Evening
    – Goes home and starts drinking homemade vodka directly from a demi-john and tries in vain to copy video.
    – Goes to pals house and is fed K and shrooms, falls off bike on way home as drugs kick in, scratches face up.

    Early hours
    – Returns home to home-made vodka and continues trying to copy video depite the fact he is in another dimension and seriously injured.
    – Succeeds in copying video at 3am
    – Calls The Sport and tries to flog video to them despite fact P3 Girl is one of their own. Blackmail, essentially.

    – With no success, and now seeing things that aren’t there, proceeds to hoover front garden with broken vacuum cleaner.
    – Girl who got video off barman’s boyfriend hears what Swines is up to, gets angry for some reason and comes to his house to punch his soft face.
    – Flatmates protect Swines as he hides under a duvet by a sofa.

    – Swines escapes to a friends house and sleeps in the cupboard.
    – Swines is woken up by his brother who has travelled from London for his planned 21st celebration.

    Next Evening
    – Swines goes out and gets drunk again.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    laws – I love the black bin liner element. Superb!

  13. breeks Says:

    your hard, swines. hard.

  14. breeks Says:

    OMG sorry apostrophe error. unforgiveable.

  15. Sue De Nymh Says:

    I drank a pint of beer once. It was horrid.

  16. Swineshead Says:

    Breeks –

    I was a moron, now I am an angel – a booze-free moronic angel!

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Sue – that’s not the spirit.

  18. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    “what I should have done was go back in time and tell my younger self to ……….” Nap.

    The number of times I should have done that!

  19. breeks Says:

    i admire your booze free-edness. i actually do.

    i have done a million stupid and potentially life-killing things whilst on it. thank god i got a bit old and tired.

  20. breeks Says:

    listen – i’m watching ‘my life as an animal – horses’ and i gotta say nutkins? not so much…

  21. indy Says:

    “what I should have done was go back in time and tell my younger self to ……….”

    sending back a bloodied and drunk version of yourself would only make it worse. if i was headbutted by a skinhead i would most probably go back in time to convince my younger self to bring a knife to the club. just to get interrupted as we speak by a slighty younger version of my self with a knife in his head to mumble like a zombie about bringing a gun.

  22. Twitter Tweets about Wordpress as of April 24, 2009 Says:

    […] 09:23:40 · Reply · View Swineshead: Your best stories of boozy trouble please! 2009-04-24 09:23:40 · Reply · View hashwordpress: RT @csolanor #joomla #drupal […]

  23. Swineshead Says:

    I recorded that horses show. Why did I record that?

    DINLT / Nick – Your younger self would tell you to get lost and display the same surly attitude I showed Nappers when we saw each other in a Sheffield nightclub having not seen each other for 5 years.

  24. Excelsior! Says:

    I’m sure i must have some happy-go-lucky booze tales but they’re lost in the alcoholic haze of time. These days i just get morose and go home early.

  25. breeks Says:

    you recorded it swinesy, because horses are key.

  26. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – You’d probably then have a younger version of yourself staggering in riddled with bullets, muttering something about nuclear weapons.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    “I recorded that horses show. Why did I record that?”

    Because you’ve gone mad? It’s a pile of shit of a programme, and the presenter needs the words ‘POSH BITCH’ branded on her forehead, the posh bitch.

  28. ugeine Says:

    He sounded like a reasonable gentleman, Napoleon.

  29. indy Says:

    np: i would probably have jean-claude van damme kicking my ass for messing with history.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Indy – You’ve reminded me of fcuking brilliant indie-horror-time travel-thriller TimeCrimes – one of the best films I’ve seen this century.

  31. indy Says:

    ‘my life as an animal – stud’


  32. indy Says:


    friend?! friend? friend?!
    *two thumbs up*

  33. ugeine Says:

    I told bonhead from Hollyoaks he was a sick fuck in a nightclub toilet in leeds. In my drunken state, was having trouble telling the difference between television and reality, and in Hollyoaks he had his dead mum hidden upstairs.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    “DINLT / Nick – Your younger self would tell you to get lost and display the same surly attitude I showed Nappers when we saw each other in a Sheffield nightclub having not seen each other for 5 years.”

    The only time in my life when I’ve been genuinely crestfallen, I’ll have you know. I was jollied-up on booze, having a great time, and here was my old chum Swineshead. I was actually delighted to see him, believe it or not, and how did he act? Like a spoilt fucking kid who’d just been told he couldn’t go out until he’d tidied his room. That surly little bastard.

  35. charliemingles Says:

    I feel my drink-fueled confession of shitting myself during my graduation ceremony has been well documented on these pages previously …

  36. Napoleon Says:

    “He sounded like a reasonable gentleman, Napoleon.”

    For resorting to violence over my failure to support Notts. County? Well if that’s the sort of monkey you think’s reasonable, good luck to you.

  37. breeks Says:

    when drunk i turned down the offer of a shag from an ex-big brother contestant.

    clearly i would’ve accepted had i been sober.

  38. breeks Says:

    naps – presenter of ‘my life as…’ isn’t posh. ‘horse people’s’ alexandra tolstoy is posh. yeah. learn your poshes.

  39. indy Says:

    posher than bryan ferry?

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, I thought you meant the posh horse woman. My apologies.

  41. Excelsior! Says:

    I have never lost control of my bladder/guts whilst sozzled, but many of my male friends have. Is this a particularly male affliction? Any WWM girls have a piss scented skeleton in the closet?

  42. Excelsior! Says:

    *reads back question*

    hmm, asking girls if they’ve pissed themselves. Im a charmer i am.

  43. ugeine Says:

    ‘For resorting to violence over my failure to support Notts. County? Well if that’s the sort of monkey you think’s reasonable, good luck to you.’

    What else was he supposed to do? Peacefully respect your difference and go about his day like the millions and millions of non violent football fans that populate this country? That’s literally unthinkable, that is.

    The other day I met a Hereford fan who had the bad manners to tell me he was a Hereford fan as well. The bastard! Things coyuld have got pretty ugly, but thankfully I blew off his kneecaps with a shotgun.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    Well I suppose when you put it like that …

  45. Swineshead Says:

    I like the way complete strangers occasionally decide to despise me because I support Arsenal. Those Spurs fans are strange creatures.

  46. Nick T Says:

    I once mistakenly misjudged, what I thought, was an offer of a Carry on….type threesome.
    Desperate (and drunkenly!) trying to repair the damage, I wandered back to the party (mine and my flatmates) naked in front of the assembled guests only to be slapped in the face by my then girlfriend, Then, collapsing against a wall with blood running down my cheek.
    My guests, used to this kind of drunken nakedness, completely ignored me…..

  47. Swineshead Says:

    Nick – that’s reprehensible behaviour. You’re an honest (and foolish) man.

  48. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve been loathed by a fair few Arsenal fans in my time. A gaggle of ’em chanting ‘JEW-BOY! JEW-BOY! JEW-BOY’ at me was a particular favourite.

    What they didn’t realise was … ho ho .. I’m C of E!*

    *In the British sense, that is.

  49. Sue De Nymh Says:

    Breeks – an ex-Big Brother contestant? Spill the beans; who was it? Cameron? Jonty? John Tickle? Spiral?

  50. breeks Says:

    i actually can’t remember which, there’ve been so many.

    a bloke. definitely a bloke. in a boozer in shepherds bush.

  51. Napoleon Says:

    By the way, I was woken to the sweet sounds of Carly Simon’s ‘Nobody Does It Better’ coming from my clock radio this morning. “Yes, Carly,” I muttered, half-asleep. “Nobody does it better than you, my darling.”

    So that’s me in the doghouse for the weekend.

  52. Swineshead Says:

    Sue – Must’ve been Jonty.

    Napoleon – Possibly the sweetest wake up call in the history of radio. I was woken up by someone shouting abuse at someone else in the street.

  53. Napoleon Says:

    She’s got the voice of an angel. Nobody does it better than lovely, lovely Carly Simon.

    Shame her record company’s fallen out with YouTube and they’ve pulled all her records. I’m reduced to watching Cat Stevens do his thing when I’m hammered nowadays.

  54. piqued Says:

    I can’t actually recall anything that embarassing I’ve done when pissed, which is rather the point of drinking, surely. You act with impunity and then throw up.

  55. ugeine Says:

    Itried to get the members of punk band The Dropkick Murphy’s to sign my nipple after a gig once. They didn’t. the pseudo Irish wankers.

  56. Nick T Says:

    I omited a few details for the sake of the children but I was not entirely to blame….

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Well my heart’s bleeding …

  58. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    but I was not entirely to blame….Nick.

    Wise words Nick.

  59. indy Says:

    ugeine: the dropkick murphy’s – what’s the point? why did you want them to sign your nipple to start with?

  60. ugeine Says:

    Hear Hear, NP.

  61. ugeine Says:

    For the same reason I thought it’d be a good idea to go down some stairs in a shopping trolley last month. Alcohol.

  62. breeks Says:

    not jonty.

    no. darker of skin. less irish.

  63. ugeine Says:

    breeks: Eh?

  64. piqued Says:

    Actually, I do recall screaming ‘bring me the head of PC Blakelock’ at the police who were responding to a fatal road accident on the A3 near Tolworth about 20 years ago.

    I felt bad right after I did it, especially when an avuncular copper looked at me and said softly, ‘come on son..’

  65. piqued Says:

    Oh, I was sick on my mums head from my bedroom window

  66. piqued Says:

    …and her lap

  67. Napoleon Says:

    I rang my mother up at two in the morning and pretended to be Cornish. My God but I didn’t enjoy waiting for the inevitable phone call the next day. It was like waiting to be executed.

  68. ugeine Says:

    Piqued: I’ve done that as well! When I was drunk, I was sick on your mum’s head.

  69. gingerlovespud Says:

    I rang my mother at 3 in the morning to ask her why Edward Woodward has so many ‘d’ s in his name.
    She didn’t find it funny.

    According to wiki Mr Ewar Woowar has most recently appeared on Eastenders

  70. Thumper Plowman Says:

    When I was younger I was out drinking and a friend came back to my house once the pubs had closed. My mum was ill at the time so I told him to be careful not to wake her up when he had to go the toilet. The next day I discovered that he had gone out and thrown up in my neighbour’s garden rather than risk waking her up. That’s true friendship for you. We’re still friends.

  71. Do I Not Like That! Says:

    Message to a younger DINLT of recent times.

    “If you are going to be “taken by the rhythm of salsa”,it would help if you had a basic grasp of the steps”.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    Ginger – He died last night (the character, not Mr. Woodward). It wasn’t as interesting a death as those you can see in Universal Soldier.

  73. piqued Says:

    anyone see this?

  74. Swineshead Says:

    I remember when you called my house at 2am and repeatedly told me you were at Grantham hospital with a broken nose.

  75. Swineshead Says:

    I threw my friends fingerless gloves out of the window out of spite, then clambered onto the windowsill and pissed on them from a height.

  76. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued – He’s pissed off the Scotch, apparently. Ah well.

  77. piqued Says:

    He’s like a journo version of Elton John

  78. Napoleon Says:

    I enjoyed it when Dimbleby told him to shut up. The fruity old goose looked right uppity.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    Hey! At Club Tropicana, drinks are FREE!

  80. piqued Says:

    He needed to tell the pompus little shitwind to shut up

  81. piqued Says:

    From Popbitch

    Word of the week: Daggering. Hospitals in Jamaica report a big increase in men breaking their penises, from the craze for “daggering”, or ultra-rough sex.

    Good Lord

  82. indy Says:

    daggering? wtf?

    i cannot figure out what daggering involves. and i’m swedish.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    Indy – “Ultra-rough sex” – there’s your clue.

  84. piqued Says:

    btw, has any of you terrors ever sniffed glue?

  85. piqued Says:

    My ex once snapped a chaps banjo string. Apparently she, and I quote, ‘unrolled him to his balls in a lake of blood.’ He had to go to A & E and have stiches.

  86. Napoleon Says:

    Me and a few friends used to inhale lighter gas when we were at school. Russian roulette, that was.

  87. piqued Says:

    I never did gas NC, see anything good?

    Also off Popbitch, this is quite awful

  88. Nick T Says:

    Thanks for that mental picture P.

    I haven’t but a friend used to. He said it felt like he was in a cartoon.

  89. Swineshead Says:

    Popbitch links? Bah.

    I did the lighter fluid thing – awful.

  90. Napoleon Says:

    See anything good? Not especially. You get these three light dots arranged into a triangle shape pounding backwards and forwards towards your vision, and your hearing start going ‘WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW’ in rythm to it. I’m not sure, but I think that may be the first sign that you’re having a brain hemmorage.

    Think overdosing on gas ‘n’ air, but more violent.

  91. indy Says:

    i still don’t get the daggering stuff. ultra rough…

    is daggering when trying to make a new body opening in your partner using your penis to penetrate his/her skin?

  92. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, and your voice sounds gloopy.

  93. piqued Says:

    Sorry SH, the dog thing has to be seen to be beleived

    *waits for NC*

    I did glue twice, I threw up the second time. It felt like someone had put my brain in a washing machine and pulled my spine off. The cartoon analogy Nick mentioned is spot on

  94. piqued Says:

    Gloopy like Droopy?

  95. ugeine Says:

    I thought daggering was a dance.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    Solvents don’t contain any hallucinogens so you’re not likely to see anything, are you?

    It just, in the words of my schoolmate Dave Baxter (an awful turd), ‘makes you feel like there’s a small version of you inside your body and he’s a wanker’

  97. Napoleon Says:

    Sort of weirdly deep and odd. It’s like you’ve got an invisible object in your mouth you’re trying to talk past.

    As Swineshead says, it’s awful. And extremely dangerous, kids, don’t forget that.

    I’d give ether a bash instead, if you can get it. That stuff’s fucking ace.

  98. Swineshead Says:

    Ether? How the hell did you get hold of that?

    Ketamine is similar to solvents but with the vaguely hallucinogenic aspect, and minus the banging headache, spots and sore nose.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    You don’t get hallucinations, no. Just your brain going tits-up and you witnessing it. Really, it’s just a vision and hearing fucker. FUN!

  100. piqued Says:

    ‘makes you feel like there’s a small version of you inside your body’ that’s very good though, despite your mate being a wanker

    What NC says about something in your mouth, it’s like your heart is stuck in your throat and your neck has grown tits.

  101. Napoleon Says:

    “Ether? How the hell did you get hold of that?”

    There was a chap we used to know at school who went on to be a chemist when we all grew up, and he used his new career to steal stuff and make his own drugs. Mixed it with ethanol and inhaled it, and it was like getting pissed-up without going to the bother of drinking.

  102. Swineshead Says:

    I’m going to shatter all this drug talk in a minute with visions of a singer-songwriter with a Napoleon complex.

  103. Napoleon Says:

    Drug talk’s boring. I’d do the shattering now, if I were you.

  104. Nick T Says:

    Gas = nice

  105. piqued Says:

    ‘Drug talk’s boring’

    Didn’t stop though did it, eh EH

  106. indy Says:

    the cool kids in my school (when i was about 14 years old) used to strangle themselves or do this crazy hyperventilation thing.

  107. ugeine Says:

    Same here Indy. Something to do with fainting.

  108. Napoleon Says:

    I remember people doing that too. Did it have a similar effect to spinning round and round with a broom in your hands, looking up at the broom?

  109. indy Says:

    “spinning round and round with a broom in your hands”

    in sweden we call that one “the desperate housewife”

  110. charliemingles Says:

    We regularly stole chloroform from the chemistry lab at school and inhaled it – but thats also been well documented previously.

    *has no more amusing anecdotes*
    *falls on sword*
    *hopes splashy suicide attempt will fail, thus ensuring at least one amusing anecdote left*

  111. Who Says:

    I’ve had too many, usually involving projectile vomit all over strangers or work colleagues, but I remember getting out of it on pink champagne and falling asleep on the bog at the train station. I’d reached my destination and stupidly nipped in for a pee before starting the long shuffle home. I lost a couple of hours at least in/on there.

  112. Nick T Says:

    When I was a youf worker, kids used to inhale petrol from their scooters.
    This resulted in a dark ring around their little gobs and passing out.
    Ahhh, thems was the dayz

  113. Excelsior! Says:

    Bless the magic of youth.

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