Just A Thought: EastEnders Update

So Phil’s fallen out with his mother and Danielle’s deaded up and Stacey’s been talking to a hole – and that’s supposed to be a cemetery in Telford, is it? Funny, because it looks suspiciously like the cemetery they buried wee-faced Jamie (Sonia’s squeeze) in back in the day.

And how are we to know that Danielle’s dad’s house in Telford is in Telford? For all we know it could be a shitty ‘60s semi in a London suburb. We’re not to know it’s actually Telford as there’s no sign saying ‘WELCOME TO TELFORD, THIS IS ACTUALLY TELFORD’.

And Phil’s overslept and missed Shirley the corpse’s cold meat buffet where Josie Laurence has got on fat Heather’s nerves by being with Minty, and isn’t Dawn looking lovely? What’s she doing with Garry?

And I don’t trust that 1940s granddaughter of Dot’s because she’s up to something, the shifty little bitch. I know Ricky’s boy Liam’s a bit thick but, as Pat says, he’s no liar and Dottie’s turning out to be a chip off the old block. A chip off Nick – and where’s he gone, eh?

And Archie’s evil schemes worked out well, didn’t they? What with buggering up Ronnie’s life – and hasn’t she got a lovely bone-structure? I would as long as the wife didn’t find out, like. He did well there, losing his wife and getting bundled into a van and I missed Friday’s and Monday’s episodes so I don’t know if he’s dead or not. Is he dead? Archie, I mean. If he is dead, what the hell was all that about? Talk about hidden agenda.

Meanwhile Janine’s feeling the strain after running over Danielle, don’t know why she’s so cut up, she didn’t bat an eyelid when she murdered Barry. And how come Pat still speaks to her because she knows Janine murdered Barry and you’d have thunk she’d never speak to the woman again, wouldn’t you? I mean, if my son-in-law had been killed up in Scotland by my step-daughter I wouldn’t give her the time of day never mind inviting her on a holiday to Paris that all went tits-up when it turned out she’d been stealing off of Peggy to fit up Jay.

Mind you, the way people treat each other on the square’s weird what with banning somebody from the pub / the shop / the curry house / the beauty parlour one minute and letting ‘em back in the next and … WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING STILL WATCHING THIS SHOW?

The Apprentice Lookalike Fun – Week 3

As if we ever doubted it, ‘reformed rebel and car hire firm owner’ Majid Nagra is the spitting image of ‘Street Fighter video game character and Russian wrestler’ Zangeif.

I guess you could say Wednesday night was a real ‘K.O.’ for the bearded one.

Just A Thought : Balding’s Balls-Up

I see the BBC has received over 1,500 complaints about Claire Balding’s mocking of National winner Liam Treadwell’s gnashers last Saturday.

As the owner of a set of teeth one could generously describe as an ‘abomination against God’, I’d like to add my support for Claire at this difficult time. My sort (the orthodontically despicable) shouldn’t be allowed on the television, and it’s high time somebody had the balls to point it out.

Indeed, I reckon we should go further and get rid of all visually repulsive people off our screens once and for all. As well as hell-mawed ape-men such as m’self, may I suggest we give horse-faced, pug-nosed, bullock-built unterfrauleins the boot to boot? Nobody springs to mind at the moment, but I’m sure we could truffle out someone of that description if we sniffed about the BBC sports department for long enough …

Just a Thought: Waking Up With Feltz

Those of you who live in London and are able to watch television at around 8.27am may be aware of a phenomenon that destroys my sunny disposition, without fail, every weekday morning.

Vanessa Feltz may get good ratings from the demented Daily Mail readers who tune in to her Radio London broadcast, but do the BBC really have to advertise that it’s coming on during the local news portion of BBC Breakfast?

The disturbed termagant DESTROYS my day!

I’ll be sitting there, wolfing down my marmitey toast as Riz Lateef rattles off the day’s events, supping a caffeinated beverage whilst Dani Sinha grins her way through yesterday’s occurences when, as if to deliberately startle me, the vision of Feltz’s neurotic moon-face suddenly pops onto the screen like a vision from Hades.

Like an awful premonition of doom.

Like a reminder of the very real possibility that, upon leaving my dwelling, I could be faced with any number of horrific personalities only yards from my door.

BBC: I command you! Stop soiling the cosy friendliness of your morning output with the hideous, warbling caw of this shrewish BASTARD!

Just a Thought: Death of Danielle

Finally, the soap storyline that seemed to have been limping along for several years  is finally over. Danielle finally popped her clogs last Thursday and that interminable mess of an Eastenders plotline drew its final breath after an almightly, squealing whimper – wafting from the squealing lips of Ronnie Mitchell.

Danielle arrived in the Square back in the 1930s, and since that day we, the viewership, have been left bewildered by the pointlessness of the writers’ insistence on drawing her story out for decades. We ground our teeth to splintered nubs through completely arbitrary occurrences, watched as Danielle’s character was put through the mill for no reason whatsoever and, ultimately, watched her die (in an eerily familiar death scenario) on Thursday with the story unfulfilled and women screaming in the street.

The BBC have received complaints – many of them asking for Danielle to return to the Square (as a zombie, one presumes) – so I’d like to add to the list of complainants with this post.

The heavy handed treatment of the paedophile plotline lasted about three weeks, whilst the tedious comings and goings of what would usually be a minor character dominated every episode, and I’m a little bit miffed.

Can we go back to tattoos on Adam Woodyatt’s arse and Minty trying to get it on with Josie Lawrence as soon as possible, please?

Weekend Watching – 02.04.09

It’s Friday again and the Friday Question has uncovered some shocking facts about a few among our number…

The next bit of business to deal with is your weekend menu of televisual delight.

Watching anything we should know about? Any hidden gems in the schedules? Any staples we need to catch up on?

Maybe you’re off to the picture house or you’ve rented a movie? Or perhaps you’re an internet pirate and you’ve nicked films off the web cherry tree?

Let us know what you’ll be viewing over the next couple of days.

For my part I’ll be watching the usual – Easties, Newsnight Review, Genius, Harry Hill, MOTD, Come Dine… and I’ll also be feasting my eyes on:

Grand National – if I can be bothered to get to Ladbrokes.
The Wire – as part of my rewatching marathon.
My Little Eye – acclaimed, little known horror on ITV I’ve not yet seen.
Taking of Pelham 1,2,3 – the original, obviously. The remake looks poop.

Over to you…

The Apprentice Lookalike Fun – Week 2

By Dave, who doesn’t have a login.

That’s right, “this year’s youngest candidate and sandwich business owner” Rocky looks like “that yellow bastard” Junior Roarke (from Sin City).

And nobody will convince me otherwise.

Nobody.

Just a Thought: Who Will Win The Apprentice?

Week 2

Hint: It's definitely NOT this one

We’ve all seen episode two then, and there are already some interesting developments. Let’s take a look at how you lot were thinking last week so we can compare, contrast, ridicule and roll our collective eyes.

Phillip
WWM firebrand’s immediate choice for the win, based on the fact that he disagrees with my assertion that he looks like Spender. Napoleon ignored all explanations as to why Phil was hopeless in week one and sticks with his tip. Mel ‘fears’ Phil will win – whether that’s a solid backing of the miserable sod is to be confirmed. Another supporter of Phillip is fourstar – usually a rational man but here showing that he’s veering over to the side of the weird.

Noorul
Picked by Ugeine who admitted he picked a name out at random. Noorul was picked out by Nick for special criticism in the boardroom when he chillingly mentioned that he ‘made it his business to follow’ him. Scary words from the mole-eyed observer there – making for an ominous outlook for Ugeine’s pick. Nick of the T also picked Noorul for some reasoning based on The Number One Womens’ Detective Agency which I didn’t understand.

Debra
Both Lord Milky and the living liability myopiniononstuff (aka Dave) opted for Debra without really giving any reason for their selection. Debra did nothing this week, or at least was barely filmed, meaning that the Producers have dampened her early fireworks ready for a dry out and combustion later on in the series. ‘Debra’s a cow’ Clarry added, helpfully.

Kate
Sue De Nymh‘s suggestion was that Kate ‘the bellini’ Walsh has the golden ticket, even though all we’ve seen from her so far is wonky-mouthed flirting and idiocy.

Paula
Offensive Mango went for the fiery redhead with the crazy accent, simply ‘because her name is Paula Jones’. I’m not sure that’s how it works.

Yasmina
Your host Swines is going for voluptuous elf, Yasmina – because she’s mad bossy, snappy and has a sense of humour. Badger, Claire last year – it’s clearly time one of these strong-women types won.

Out!

Rocky
Oh dear! Who backed Rocky – and must now be regretting it. Do we give her another chance? Is Who allowed to pick another contender or is she out of the game, going home in a black cab, getting her hair done for the Adrian Chiles show?

Doesn’t count!

Amusing as it may be, suggesting the management is neither big nor clever. Who was it that played silly buggers and said Alan, Nick or Margaret should win?

Breeks – that’s who. And even worse, Telemachus went for the bloke in the shopping centre who berated Howard in week one – an individual who will clearly be long-forgotten by about week four. Like Rocky and Anita will be forgotten. Business is business.

CHOOSE SOMEONE PROPER.

Who’s not been picked yet? And why?

• Ben
• Howard
• James
• Kimberly
• Lorraine
• Majid
• Mona

Your thoughts please…