Posts Tagged ‘2008’

MTV VMA Awards, 2008

September 9, 2008

You’ve probably read about this little storm in a hairy teacup in the newspapers and either a.) had a chuckle to yourself about it or b.) brushed over it, turning the page in your periodical, distinctly unimpressed. You may even have tuned in last night. If you did, I congratulate you on your bravery.

Despite the few laughs that could be gouged from the miniscule slots the host was given, the rest of it was a squalid load of crap. Mainly advertising, endless advertising – each ad break longer than the content that followed – with a few absymal performances from modern pop artists afterwards, sandwiched between shots of Britney looking confused.

Brand was on form though. Despite obvious nerves he managed to make a provocative call to action from the off, pissing off half his crowd immediately by championing Barack Obama. And then he called Bush a retard. It was interesting not in the fact that any wit was involved, more for how the likes of Britney and the Jonas Brothers looked all confused at some unabashed political provocation whilst the likes of LL Cool J and Lil’ Wayne instantly became Brand-fans, showing their love later in the show.

The highlight for me though was the constant ridiculing of the Jonas Brothers (which I noticed was cut mercilessly in the UK edit having spent time scouring the web for clips yesterday. Presumably to keep that JoBro shitheap of a band happy).

It was grand that RB didn’t leave it at mocking the ostentatious and passive aggressive practice of wearing celibacy rings, but continued a filthy tirade against the purity of the utterly unlistenable Brothers Jonas that became more and more winningly crass as it went on. You even started to pity the boys. A bit.

The defining moment, for me, was when ex-American Idol winner and award presenter ‘Jordin’ Sparks – they clearly don’t have spellcheckers in American birth registers – retorted to Brand’s celibacy-ring mockery with ‘I’d just like to say that purity rings are not stupid because not all of us want to be sluts!’ – thereby telling half her teenage audience that she thinks they’re whores if they’ve ever had a little bit of hanky panky. The fucking idiot.

The bizarre thing about the VMAs was that it was noticably split right down the centre. You had the hip hop artists on one side and the teeny pop shit on the other. Though it’s often hard to tell the difference as all genres seem fused and spliced these days (yes, I am old), it was nice to see Brand break the audience neatly into a divide, with liberal America on one side and dribbling, hypocritical funda-mentalists on the other.

And now for another fucking ad break.

The Apprentice 2008 – Preview Part 2

March 26, 2008

Alan Sugar 

Ok – let’s have a look at the rest…

Katie Hopkins

What’s this? You’re not allowed a second pop at the Apprentice! This ain’t the X Factor Katie – so fuck off and take your Fido Dido look with you. You bloody cheat.

Jennifer Maguire

This is the one who got all confused in the trailer, mistakenly declaring herself to be the best salesperson in Europe. Jennifer can apparently sell pieces of paper for 50 quid and make a living out of it. I’ll wager those pieces of paper are hundred quid notes. You’re not going to make a living doing that Jennifer, but you’ll make plenty of friends – you moron.

Sara Dhada

‘Naturally glamorous’ Sara ‘da-da!’ Dhada is a trained lawyer with scary eyes. She wants to follow in her father’s footsteps (he was a millionaire by the time he was 25). But we also learn she had to ‘save the family company’ at some point – so presumably his millionaire status was flagging by the time his daughter was adult. Effectively, she wants to follow in her father’s footsteps by getting rich quick then fucking it up. Great.

Kevin Shaw

‘Never trust a Kevin’. That’s what my old ma used to say to me – and she turned out to be right. Just look at K-Fed, currently framing B-Speares for insanity and child abuse. Kevin Keegan? False Geordie messiah. So I don’t trust Kevin Shaw neither – what with his ‘come on, reckon yer ‘ard?’ expression and his lop-sided quiff. You’ll never win, Kevin. Never.

Simon Smith

When Simon visits the hairdressing salon, he asks the scissor-man to make his head resemble the teardrop his last employer shed when he realised what a pack of lies Simon had presented him with. Teardrop-headed Simon is 35 and falls for little old ladies.

Michael Sophocles

The first rule of manipulation? Never say ‘I will manipulate others if necessary’. FAIL.

Helene Speight

‘Single Helene is equally at home drinking wine with the girls and having a pint watching the rugby’. So she’s comfortable drinking with anyone then. That’s an attractive quality – alcoholism. Definitely one for the ‘hobbies and interests’ section of your CV Helene…

Alex Wotherspoon

Come off it, sunshine. At least brush your hair before a televised job interview. You’re not fooling anyone with your little-boy-lost routine. I know Ambrose won the last season by being an eight-year-old in the body of a twentysomething, but surely Sugar’s got wise to that by now? Having said that, Alex manages to be single while having a girlfriend. If he can market the secret to how that works, he’ll make a small bloody fortune.

And that’s your lot. Tune in tonight to watch them hash up a pointless task. Laugh at their idiocy. Avoid pondering the fact that you’d screw it up too. Go to bed. Talk about it at work the next day. Work until retirement. Die.