Iceland Christmas Advert 2008

We live in a world where atrocities occur each and every day. Whether that be the systematic rape and imprisonment of children, the genocide of entire races of people or the false imprisonment and torture of ethnic minorities, few can deny that the world can be an ugly and brutal place.

Despite knowing of the depths of man’s inhumanity to man, despite being aware of the full capacity of evil that exists within human beings it’s still hard to imagine anything – anything – worse than the prospect of having to watch the Iceland Christmas advert again.

When the final city falls, the last creature dies and we are visited by alien beings eager to learn the tragic circumstances of our downfall (much like the ending to Steven Spielbergs A.I., in fact) they will look upon this moment and realise that everything can be attributed to the release and distribution of this advert.

As the souls of the damned burn in eternal hellfire they will be forced to watch this medley of frozen foods, Christmas carols and ITV stalwarts in ear piercing 3D futuroscope. On an endless loop, it will pierce their retinas and they will begin their unanswered cries for mercy, knowing that only an appearance by Christopher Biggins could deepen their pain.

It’s a distant and terrifying world for me; the world where frozen pepperoni kebabs hawked by fake-tittied junkies, self-hating right-wingers and formally famous pop stars can be considered appealing. These are the dregs of the celebrity world; end of the pier daytime TVers more famous for their lives than their talents – yet somehow their endorsements are seen as encouragable.

The planet may be bleeding terror and dying from environmental collapse, the soul of humanity may well be killing itself and bringing destruction upon itself and the capitalistic system may be bringing us to the edge of a societal implosion but real evil – deep true evil, the kind Buffy used to battle – is reserved for inside the cathode rayed nipple in the corner of the room, the glowing box which bears the names Katona, Nolan and Donovan.

Fear them, for they will destroy us all.

One Minute Review: Garnier Ultralift Pro X

Davina McCall: As we age, skin loses its plumpness and wrinkles appear deeper. It’s all about bounce.
Man’s voice and subtitle: New Garnier Ultralift Pro X
Subtitle: Proven Temporary effect
Man’s voice and subtitle: Enriched with patented Pro-Xylane – derived from Beechwood extract
Davina: For me it’s the best anti-wrinkle cream
Subtitle: Intense firming anti-wrinkle care
Davina: It plumps up the skin and wrinkles appear pushed up, like this…

[she squeezes stress ball and then relaxes it]

Subtitle: Dramatisation
Davina: Plumper skin – wrinkles appear reduced!
Man’s voice and subtitle: New Garnier Ultralift Pro X
Davina and subtitle: Take care
Man’s voice and subtitle: (Garnier)

They say the best scripts read just as well as they perform. Shakespeare rolls off the page, iambic pentameters bouncing with vim and vigour. Tennessee Williams’ melodrama shrieks at you as you scan his directions. You can even smell the stale gin on Withnail’s overcoat as you flick through Bruce Robinson’s screenplay.

I’d say the same is true of this offering from Garnier. The subtle combination of Davina McCall’s trusted, earthy personality combined with the voiceover from an unseen, softly spoken male is compounded by the sub-script up onscreen – a clinical white font offering useful additional information on this apparently amazing product. I know, I know – the fact that the stress-ball wrinkle-relief is a dramatisation could be considered a bit of a swizz, but for heaven’s sake! This is Davina McCall!

If we can trust anyone, it is she.

It’s all about plumpness.

Take care.

KFC – Boneless Bargain Banquet for One

Hey you!

Yes, you..!

Are you sick of all the needless bother that goes hand-in-hand with enjoying a meal? Are you bored of having to sit at a table; of facing other people, of trying new and interesting food and having to use cutlery and plates?

How about restaurants? Aren’t they a pain? The way they make you choose what you want from a text menu instead of brightly lit photographs with combo options. It’s obscene.

And they make you sit inside them too – at tables. All you really want to do is sit at a bus stop bench with a cardboard box.

They’re so arrogant, showing off about having food that you haven’t heard of or possibly may not like.

What about women? So fucking annoying the way they make you spend time with them – listening to what they say or doing what they want and, worst of all, making you break the endless cycle of repetitive behaviour that makes life so easy.

Have you tried cooking? What a waste of time! Buying all those ingredients and then having to prepare it yourself! It’s an insult – making you responsible for your own food. Like you have the time to learn how to do that!

Luckily there’s an alternative to all that bullshit; a way out of socialising and trying new things, a way out of wasting time in the kitchen or spending more than a fiver on food. It’s called the KFC Boneless Bargain Banquet for One and it is the future of culinary delight.

No longer do you have to wait more than two minutes for your snap. No longer do you have to face the insufferable company of your other half and no longer are you bound by the societal constraints of etiquette or manners… it’s finally here! Freedom.

You can sit alone on the kerb and stuff yourself silly with greasy and abused meat from a questionable source and not have to worry about choice or flavour.

Vegetables? Bollocks! Taste? Bollocks! Polite company? Bollocks!

You can now sit in public and wolf down non-threatening food and not have to worry about trifling annoyances like bones or using forks. Look at those poor saps, stuck indoors and having a nice time with the ones they love. Pity them, for they are bound by having to make decisions, pretending to enjoy their fancy-dancy toff grub. You are the real winner, alone and free to enjoy your genetically spliced super meat without restaurants or the effort of cooking.

Have you tried Tennents Super? It’s brilliant – it gets you pissed without the constraints of having to enjoy the drink. How about microwavable burgers? So useful, because who wants to have to wait for longer than a minute and a half for dinner?

While we’re here, let’s mention internet porn… After all, who wants to go to the bother of talking to a woman when all you really want is tits at the click of a button?

KFC are all about the here and now. We’re about instant and easy gratification without the attention to pointless aspects like enjoyment or quality. We don’t bother you with company or pleasant surroundings, we don’t oppress you with plates and glasses – we’ll mainline you with an instant, worry-free hit of MSG and we guarantee you won’t have to talk to a girl, a waiter or another human being in the process.

What’s more, we promise to treat you like a complete fucking troglodyte moron in not only our advertising, but in our restaurants too.

Response: Heinz Advertisement Withdrawal

Though we here at WWM are not noted for taking a stand on current affairs, may we just say that the decision by Heinz to withdraw its commercial for New York Deli Mayonnaise after receiving two hundred complaints is, to put it politely, A GREAT BIG BAG OF SHIT.

Not withstanding the fact that the advert – which depicts a mother magically transformed into a New York deli chef thanks to her marvellous mayonnaise – has nothing to do with ‘promoting a gay lifestyle’, just what, WHAT(???), the fuck do Heinz think they’re playing at withdrawing it even if it did?

I thought we’d got past listening to the lunatic rumblings of a bunch of squirming, middle-class buffoons who find the idea of homosexuality uncomfortable? Apparently not, if their idiot, knee-jerk reaction to a handful of gripes written by prejudiced fools is anything to go by.

Shame on you, Heinz. Shame on you for withdrawing an advert that didn’t actually ‘promote a gay lifestyle’, but should now stand as a symbol for the shit homosexual people still have to deal with from an ignorant bunch of tosspots stuck in the fucking Dark Ages.