Big Brother 9 – Alexandra booted out

From The Press Association:

Alexandra allegedly made the comment about gangsters while speaking to albino contestant Darnell, while a number of other housemates were in proximity.

According to Channel 4’s transcript, while discussing the fact that she had been nominated, Alexandra told Darnell: “I’m not throwing water at anyone. It’s bigger than that…personal offence is never forgotten, do you know what I mean?

“We are just inside the house. I’ve got a very, very, very, very, very strong team outside the house”.

She added: “I just can’t wait to see my mans and them and see what their plans are, who they got…I’m not talking about those mans, I’m talking about my gangster friends. They got some instructions to follow out.”

She added later: “I get to go out, see everyone’s friends, I get to see their family. I get to do the s*** that I wanna do. Pow, pow, pow.”

Angela Jain, Head of E4 and Big Brother at Channel 4, said: “Alex’s comments will be widely interpreted as having been intended to intimidate. Other housemates have said they found her comments to be threatening and we believe that is the reasonable conclusion for them to have reached given the way Alex has behaved previously.”

Making threats alluding to gun-crime… very smart work, that – given the current climate. Pow, pow, pow indeed.

For those of us still half-watching (I find myself tuning in on catch-up, then tuning out after half an hour) – this is good news in that the tedium of Alex’s self-important screech has been ripped from the screen. When muslim Mohamed pulled on a frock for a laugh, she told him ‘you’ve disgraced me and you’ve disgraced your religion’, which is not only harsh on the ear in terms of mangled grammar, it also has a vague waft of persecution about it. She’s not a Muslim after all (no matter what she may have said). She was purely using his faith (waning or otherwise) against him.

Having said that, BB without incident and controversy is literally a bunch of idiots being nice to each other in Ikea. I only really catch it to see what monstrous individuals our publishing and broadcasting industries have created. So now my fingers are crossed that maybe Darnell is secretly a trained killer, or Mikey’s a psychopathic robot and real violence is going to kick off.

In other news, last night I genuinely had a nightmare involving me attending Mario and Lisas’ wedding. It was in a car-wrecking yard and featured Brad Pitt who, despite being called Brad Pitt, resembled a young Jason Donovan. It was awful.

I watch too much TV. Remember I told you.

The row that kicked it all off:

I’m a strong person, yeah?

Watching BB because nobody else is.

Here’s the lowdown on Alex.

Alex – Remember I told you
Other – Yeah bu…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – But you’re just repeating yoursel…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – Everything you’ve said is nonsensica…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – But you’re clearly thick as pigshi…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – That’s not a coherent argu…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – Bu…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – Wha…
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – *commits suicide*
Alex – Remember I told you
Other – *silence*
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you
Alex – Remember I told you

(FADE OUT)

Britain’s Next Top Model

I got sucked in while the missus was watching this and, with shame and misery overwhelming me, absorbed the flipping lot. I’m dripping with self-disgust. This review is my only hope of purging slime from my contaminated braincells.

If it doesn’t work, I’ll end up watching next week, then the week after, till the whole series has somehow passed through my brain-filter and left me an expert on all the back-stabbing, plank-thick idiots who populate it.

The girls were introduced one-by-one, as is the way with this sort of thing, all declaring their beauty, their ability and their personal variation on charm. Stefanie, a latino temptress with smoky eyes, let herself down the minute that trapdoor of a mouth opened. Blah blah blah, she went on, with not word registering as in any way interesting. Aaron, despite having a boy’s name, reckons she’s got ‘the whole package’. Sophie‘s a gibbering wreck, making little sense and looking like she’s coming down from a particularly hedonistic indie disco. Catherine looks about 12. Musayeroh is the black girl who won’t win because these sorts of shows are all inherently tokenistic. Lisa reckons she’s quirky, but is actually just a dreadful bore. The rest waft past, pretty and pointless, like air-freshener or pot pourri.

The fact is, they’re all attractive and have basic intelligence, but they’re so young and not yet fully formed that it’s unfair to create a fair opinion on them. They’re little kids who’re being put through the digital TV mangle for our entertainment in the hope of winning a title which could see the producers crushed by the Trade Descriptions Act.

Britain’s Next Top Model? Do me a favour. A one-off cover shoot on Company magazine isn’t exactly knocking Moss from her pedestal is it? It’s hardly Vogue. It’s the Razzle of fashion mags. Or so the wife tells me.

They all troop straight into a big hall immediately upon arrival for task one and are forced to take some questions from a really questionable bunch of people who all look extremely odd. These people might be fashion students, but I don’t recall the coiceover actually telling us who the fuck they are. One of them is wearing a red balaclava with only one eye slot and is painted black, despite obviously being white. One of them is in drag. If they’re fashion students, they haven’t got a hope. They all have worrying facial tics. It’s alarming.

Aaron fucks up, apparently, by saying she doesn’t think she’ll win. Nice – I like a bit of modesty – attractive in a girl. A couple of others do the same, and all three are reprimanded by Lisa Snowdon for their lack of belief later on. She’s ‘insulted’ by their humility, it seems. The berk.

How did Snowdon get the job anyway? Apart from a bra advert in the 90s, has she done anything of note? I’m waiting for an answer on that one.

Later on they have to split into teams of two and take polaroids of one another’s best feature. One particular little twat (I think it was Alexandra) opts to take a shot of Aaron’s eyes. Now, Aaron does have lovely big sparkling eyes but Alexandra reveals her reasons for taking this shot. It’s to highlight the fact that, without make up, a scar is visible that covers part of her photography partner’s eyebrow. So she’s picking this one tiny flaw out and amplifying it to get rid of the competition in a demonstration of just how superficial and idiotic this shit is.

The later task is to split into pairs for topless shots. While most perfrom quite well, Sophie looks blankly ahead like she’s been beaten about the head with a kilo of smack while Stefanie and Alexandra go for a Zoo magazine-sponsored shot. High class. That’s the pic at the top of the article. Quality soft porn – but not really Tatler.

Sophie goes, leaving a trail of grey matter behind her after being voted out by a twat in a hat, the once-upon-a-time-Z-list Snowdon and the living dead. The latter is fucking terrifying. As she passes judgement she lurches around like a reanimated sloth and slurs away in an icelandic accent. If you allow something like to judge you, then you deserve to be judged.

Then it ends. Like passing an enormous, uncomfortably dry turd, it’s finally over and you’re left a tiny bit satisfied, a little bit raw and too dirty to sit still any longer.