Posts Tagged ‘Andrew Lloyd Webber’

Eurovision: Your Country Needs You

February 5, 2009


Nope, me neither.

Apparently this has been running for weeks – another talent search exploitfest looking for this year’s Eurovision entry, but I barely knew anything about it. I’d seen adverts featuring the atrocity that is Norton towering over us on a huge plasma screen but I assumed it was just another trailer for his barrel-scraping innuendo fuckparty. I was wrong.

It turns out that smug horseface Lloyd Webber, having run out of musicals to promote with stunt-casting, has turned his hand to Eurovision – penning a potential winner and launching a nationwide search for someone unjaded enough to still think that talent shows might actually bring them a career instead of making them a figure for destruction by the popular press.

Every Saturday, nestled against the spangled ITV has-beens on ice, the BBC have been ‘creating stars’ and ‘discovering talent’ whilst providing the serial musical-rapist as much free publicity for his particular brand of cereal-advert-jingle stage nonsense as he can swallow.

Accompanied by the increasingly desperate Lulu and judge-of-such-questionable-pedigree-that-he-makes-Amanda-Holden-seem-over-qualified, Duncan James, they’ve been slowly picking off the dreams of desperate children with the effectiveness of a sniper perched atop a university tower.

Saturday gone was the live final in which the three identikit panto cast-offs (actually four, as the show featured a set of twins) were whittled down to one nondescript winner and Lloyd Webber unveiled his masterpiece of a song, written especially to be an all conquering Eurovision classic. Norton buzzed with pretend excitement, plastering on an expression of delight that even the hardiest of twee pop fans couldn’t mistake as being botox induced – Christ, he looks terrible these days.

After much sub-X-Factor posturing and editing techniques stolen wholesale from that terrible Peter Kay pastiche thing that even less people watched, we were forced to endure not one version of Lloyd Webber’s single but three – three – as each Rorschached performing arts failure murdered their way through it, all preceding to proclaim it a masterpiece that spoke directly to them.

Even within the frame of Eurovision this is a terrible song – fuck it, even within the frame of Lloyd-Webbers-music-being-so-fucking-terrible-that-if-all-theatres-carrying-his-work-were-firebombed-simultaneously-we-would-lose-nothing-from-our-culture it is still the worst thing he has ever written. And we had to sit through it three times, three fucking times as the horse-kicked nostrils of that musical theatre shitheel sat lording over us with the arrogant self pomposity to assume the gifting of the population his talent…

What is truly remarkable is that the inclusion of Lloyd Webber makes Eurovision even more intolerable. Before it was a shameful and embarrassing stain on a culture that has given the world Bucks Fizz, now it is a mutant afterbirth of disgrace as the man responsible for some of the greatest musical crimes of all time drags it further and further down until the only option is to nuke the site from space and hope we wipe every trace of it from the Earth.

Your country needs you? To do what, exactly? Continue the trend for fuck-awful music? To keep employing a self-hating host who wallows in outdated stereotypes and childish cock obsessions? To further plump the ego of one of the most hateful and untalented songwriters in history? Or to pad out the schedules of a broadcaster who looks increasingly like a shoeless hobo dancing for pennies?

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