Posts Tagged ‘Crap Advertising’

Glade Touch ‘n’ Fresh

January 16, 2008

Where to start? As I live and breathe, I literally do not know where to start. Everything about this redubbed, repetitive nightmare is wrong. It’s all wrong. Pwoar – it stinks! It’s all wrong.

Let’s go from the start. A small oriental lad sits on the toilet and we inhabit his childish thoughts. He wafts his hand across his face ‘ Pwoar! It stinks!’ he thinks. He’s clearly just floated a particularly rancid love-log. He follows this up with ‘quick, quick!’ as he reaches for one of the most unnecessary bathroom products the world has ever not required – the Glade Touch ‘n’ Fresh. This is a wall-mounted air freshener (which no doubt smells of sweetened diethyl ether) and the advert attempts to flog the refills, so that nobody befalls the same fate as this poor twat, who can scarcely breathe following the acrid dumping he’s flopped into the bowl, all brown and stenchy.

His mouth doesn’t move when we hear him think the existentialist angst-ridden lament: ‘it’s all gone, all gone!’. But  somehow his mother weirdly taps into his stream of consciousness and asks ‘what’s happening, darling?’. I presume it’s his mother as she refers to him so affectionately, but visually she’s about seven ethnic origins removed from him, so whoever did the casting should’ve been sacked, set ablaze or shot.

‘It’s all gone, it’s all gone’ he replies. How many times have we heard the word ‘gone’ by now? Too many. Then the voiceover reiterates. ‘Touch ‘n’ Fresh has all gone! It’s empty’.

How many times, you deaf bastards? It’s fucking empty, alright? EMPTY. Just like your pointless lives.

Moving on, to demonstrate the source of his pain, the young man passes a picture under the door of the Glade device with an arrow pointing to its emptiness, using the word ’empty’. Yes: empty. The fact he slides the picture in this way suggests he wants his mother to respect his privacy, but confusingly in the next shot we see her refilling it, with the little sod still perched atop the bog.

Does anyone actually buy this stuff? Even aerosol air fresheners are pointless and archaic, aren’t they? Can’t people just open a sodding window without buying more landfill-destined crap? Whoever’s buying this tat – it’s your fault this advert – an advert so bad you lose IQ points whilst watching it – it’s your fault this even exists. I hate you.

One Minute Review: Visit Malta

January 11, 2008

Visit Malta 

The cheapest ad ever made? The ‘music’, possibly recorded in the canteen of the Malta Tourist board, sounds a bit like ‘Dreams’, the monotone nasal drone performed by that pseudo one-eyed nit Gabrielle, before lurching off in such wild directions of musical incompetence that I think it may have been written and recorded after work by the dinner ladies and Pedro, the potty mouthed Maltese cook with the limp and the built up shoe.

Now the graphics, we’re slowly drip fed still images of heroin-blue skies, LSD flowers, cocaine white beaches all punctuated by grinning orange pricks in garish Muumuus, all bordered off, like those postcards sent to you in June by Auntie and Uncle Dubious-Income who have an all round perma-tan and less taste than a darts player’s mantlepiece as the music shrieks and jumps in the background/your face.

In short, it’s fucking cheap shit; I’d no sooner go to Malta on the back of this advert than drop my testicles into a bucket of discarded hospital syringes.