Posts Tagged ‘Football’

NewsGush: Pardon, Pardew?

March 17, 2009

I must’ve missed this.

The BBC, skilful self-flaggellators of the moment, have issued an apology. On Match of the Day 2 – presumably in the company of new man, Adrian Chiles – old-school football manager Alan Pardew made a bit of a boo boo. When discussing the Chelsea match, ‘Pards’ used an ill-advised verb to describe a Michael Essien challenge:

The 47-year-old said “He’s timed it perfectly. He’s a strong boy. He knocks him off – he absolutely rapes him.”

According to the BBC, there would have been an instant apology, except everyone in the studio thought Pardew had said ‘raked’. Which, to be honest, would have made a lot more sense.

Of course, all this is small-fry compared to some howlers from the ages. Let’s have a look back over past bloopers from the mouths of pundits.

‘Robbie Savage has cut inside, tugged his shirt, bent him over and come forcefully into his eye-socket there – it’s as if he’s skull-fucked Craig Bellamy off the park’.
Lee Dixon on Football Focus, 2004

‘Mark Overmars is a slutty lad who is basically begging to be molested. The way he dribbles the ball – it’s as if he’s wearing a miniskirt and tarty war-paint. Roy Keane slides in and thieves the ball like a hand into a brassiere, passing to Andy Cole who takes an opportunistic upskirt shot with the loose ball. I think we can honestly say that they’ve actively sexually assaulted the nimble Dutchman with that one-two’.
Mark Lawrenson on Match of the Day, 1998

‘You’ll never win anything with kids’
Alan Hansen on Match of the Day, 1995

NewsGush – Is this news?

November 10, 2008

robbie williams gary barlow


Is this news?

On a slow news day, and when I’m in the middle of an article it has to be. Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams have been civil to one another. Which is great news if you’re a female or homosexual human being who was born in the 80s and who appreciates the music of Take That. The rest of us can just shrug.

They highlighted this cosy reunion in the coverage of the Arsenal vs Manchester United match on Sky Sports on Saturday morning, but I was too busy bricking it to actually notice it properly. Presumably they both wanted United to win.

Thankfully, United lost.


Nostalgia / laziness

April 29, 2008


While I wait for someone other than me to write an article, here’s a link to where it all began, before we were even Mothers.

Curled Wup was a football blog about the World Cup of 2006, written by some people who like football, some people who barely know football exists and some people who hate the game.

Some of it’s actually not weathered too badly with the passing of time.

BT Broadband

August 20, 2007


Ahahaha – his Dad’s embarrassing goal celebration. Honestly, how charming, the display of affection between son and dad enjoying the ‘footie’…

Just to take you through this cradle of filth, the advert commences with Dad and his lanky twat of a son who was the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family (I’ve seen him being ‘craaazzzy’ on it prior to turning the TV off/over with my forehead) watching a football match on the telly.

But let’s not run away with ourselves, let’s take a step back. Sadly this series of BT adverts has been running like a soap opera for months, the premise is that the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family has wound up shacked up with a bird who has two teenage kids. FROM A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP. ITZ SEW MODERNED.

So, there they are watching telly, Dad, son (the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family) AND, we notice, the teenage son of the bird that the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family is currently being ‘craaazzzy’ with. (We know he’s ‘craaazzzy’ because he turns his shirt collar up and his hair is a little ruffled. WILD).

During the match on the telly the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family looks over at his dad in a manner that I presume the BT Producers intended to be portrayed as affectionate, though in reality it looks more like his sizing him up for a raping. We are then treated to a flashback, Dad and son (a younger version of the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family) on the terraces watching a match.

Dad too has been made up to look younger by plastering a huge black wig over his beach ball sized head and having his glasses changed for a pair of jam jar bottoms. He resembles a cross between a henchmen of The Krays and the bloke who is referred to as a ‘twisted old prune’ in Spinal Tap.

During the nostalgia scene the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family reminisces about the footie with Dad, dodgy meat pie at half time (I notice he doesn’t then go on to reminisce about being sick on his lap on the journey home, a temperature of 103° and vicious diarrhoea for the following week which loses him a week of school and over a stone in weight) and Dad’s embarrassing goal celebrations, or in my opinion, paydirt.

Said ‘celebration’ consists of grabbing one’s child by the head and, bafflingly, pouting ones lips prior to thrusting ones face into the victims hair and vigorously shaking ones head from side-to-side. Two things here, firstly its clear that this was the best the ad agency could muster when given the brief for an ‘embarrassing goal celebration’, it’s a fucking shit one, unbelievable actually, secondly, if it was remotely believable the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family should’ve been taken into care.

We then cut back to the present day just as ‘United’ have scored. Christ bled, dad jumps up and performs his embarrassing goal celebration on the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family, and attempts to perform the same manoeuvre on the teenage son of the bird that the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family is currently being ‘craaazzzy’ with.

The thing about these fucking BT adverts is that I’ve no idea what the fuck they’re trying to actually sell me. I think its phones, and I only think that because they’re BT adverts. Why on earth then is the catalyst for the selling of phones process a turdy little soap seen predominantly through the eyes of some cunt getting used to his ready-made family?

Oh, great idea for the Honda Civic, a pixie dressed as a Beefeater throwing bathroom taps at a copy of Ian McEwan’s Atonement. I don’t know about you but that screams Four-cylinder 1590cc engine, with 108bhp @ 5600rpm and 111 lb ft @ 4300rpm Torque, five-speed manual, front-wheel drive with (front) MacPherson struts (rear) multilink suspension to me.