Posts Tagged ‘Heroes’

Bafta Television Awards, 2008

April 21, 2008

Harry Hill

Sunday evening and time for some glitz and glamour. I stuck on my dinner jacket and dicky bow, turned out the lights, put out a few nibbles and took some notes on the proceedings, so we can all remember the highs of last night’s wonderful Bafta awards. What a night! What a show! What a collection of humorous acceptance speeches!

If I’m honest, I half-watched it whilst sitting in my pants and reading the paper.

Best actor
Andrew Garfield – Boy A
(Channel 4)

I didn’t watch Boy A when it went out. The only one I did watch of those nominated was Secret Life (the one about the paedophile with the elastic band). That was good and should’ve won, in the expert opinion of someone like me who couldn’t be arsed to watch all the others. The acceptance speech was a bumbling, heart-warming mess, and I wish the young bastard well.

Best actress
Eileen Atkins – Cranford
(BBC One)

Won by that woman out of Gosford Park. Again, I didn’t see Cranford. Was it any good? Was Atkins in Tenko? I think she was in Tenko.
Dame Dench was in the same thing, was nominated, but didn’t win it. Good. Give it to someone else for a change, Dench. Gina McKee should’ve won it, as she was the only one nominated who was in a programme I might actually have watched but can’t remember due to drunkenness (The Street). Plus, she was good in Brass Eye and Naked.

Best entertainment performance
Harry Hill – Harry Hill’s TV Burp
(ITV1)

Hooray! I like TV Burp. Even though – in my paranoid mind – he reads WWM and nicks some of our ideas, like Charlie Brooker and Sam Woolaston from the newspaper. Except they probably don’t.

In fact, I’d put money on the fact that they don’t.

Thank God JLC and Alan Carr didn’t win it. Amstell just missed out, which will at least give him material for his egocentric (but admittedly very amusing) gags on Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Best comedy performance
James Corden – Gavin and Stacey
(BBC Three)

This was very strange. The bumbling chubbyman came onstage, all sweetness and light and made a lovely speech about his co-writer (her from Saxondale). He wrapped it up with ‘not funny, but true’. Emotive and nice, setting the scene perfectly for his fuck up later. I’ll get to that in a bit.

How he beat Merchant, Mitchell and Capaldi I’ll never know. I don’t watch Gavin & Stacey and from the nomination clips, I’m glad. Where the other three nominations all had clips demonstrating the quality of the comedy up for an award, Gavin & Stacey’s featured a fat man in some girls’ pants. Hmmm.

Best single drama
The Mark Of Cain
(Channel 4)

Didn’t see it. It was about war, wasn’t it? Good, good.

Also nominated were three other dramas I’ve not seen. Again – sorry.

Best drama serial
Britz
(Channel 4)

Didn’t see it. However, I now know that the main lady in it looks bloody lovely in a halter-neck frock. Apparently it was about suicide bombers and stuff.

I didn’t see any of the others and don’t know what they were about.

Best drama series
The Street
(BBC One)

I saw one of these. I definitely saw one of these. The one with David Thewlis acting as though he was a twin that had died, when he was really the twin that hadn’t died. I even reviewed it somewhere. It was good.

I didn’t see any of the Life on Mars business as John Simm makes me shudder, and I didn’t see the others, so clearly the right one won.

Best continuing drama
Holby City
(BBC One)

Napoleon’ll be happy, I thought to myself. Obviously Eastenders was robbed.

Best factual series
The Tower: A Tale of Two Cities
(BBC One)

Guess what? I didn’t see it. It looked very worthy and, if I’m honest, boring. Who wants to be bored? Not me. Should’ve featured zombies.

I’m just glad Merton being a berk in China didn’t win. And I’m even gladder that Meet The Natives didn’t win. The former because is was more about Merton than China, the latter because it was a wholesale rip off of something Donal MacIntyre did much better a few months before to little acclaim. Tribe should’ve won, because Bruce Parry is a real man. He drinks the blood of beasts and takes hallucinogens with mean men.

Best entertainment programme
Harry Hill’s TV Burp
(ITV1)

Hooray! A good choice, and Hill had the presence of mind to give us a few catchphrases rather than the faux-modesty and badly prepared gags everyone else attempted. He also beat Britain’s Got Talent and Strictly Come Dancing, the evil reality shows that give pieces of art like Britain’s Worst Teeth a bad name.

Have I Got News For You missed out but it won’t exactly hurt them given that it’ll run on and on until they’re all dead. And probably beyond, with David Mitchell and Russell Brand doing, respectively, Oxbridge intelligensia versus working class humorist.

Best situation comedy
Peep Show
(Channel 4)

Glad this won. The IT Crowd isn’t really my cup of milky tea and The Thick of It, despite excellent scipting/improvisation is an incredibly sneery piece of work. Benidorm remains unwatched, for me. I made the unqualified decision that it’d be rubbish before it started. Was I right? Anyone?

Best comedy programme
Fonejacker
(Channel 4)

Oh for Christ’s sake. Fonejacker is a tired concept. The Jerky Boys were doing this ten years ago.

Armstrong & Miller, Ponderland and Star Stories were all better.

Audience award
Gavin & Stacey
(BBC Three)

As mentioned before, I’m not bothered by Gavin & Stacey. Tucked away on BBC3, it’s off my radar like the Lily Allen show and Alexa Chung’s new vehicle ‘The Wall’. I know Corden and his skinny mate from their rubbish turn on Big Brother’s Big Mouth. Corden, arriving on stage, blurted ‘How can we win Best Comedy Performance and this, but not be eligible for Best Sitcom??’

Tumbleweed breezed through the studio. His co-writer (her out of Saxondale) told him off. Everyone went red. Even better – what was the next category? Best sitcom! ‘That’s unfortunate’, said Norton, helping to diffuse the tension.

The only point of interest all evening.

Best single documentary
Lie of the Land
(Channel 4)

Didn’t see it. It was about farmers or something.

Best feature
Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares
(Channel 4)

Oh for god’s sake. Don’t encourage the forehead-trenched, pigeon chested buffoon. We want him off our TVs, not on.

Best international show
Heroes
(BBC Two)

Not seen it. Looks rubbish. Was doing the crossword by now.

However, was amused by Alan ‘Jim Robinson’ Dale remarking that international seemed only to mean ‘American’. Good man.

Best specialist factual
Andrew Marr’s History of Modern Britain
(BBC Two)

Attempting 3 down.

Best current affairs
China’s Stolen Children – A Dispatches Special
(Channel 4)

7 across.

Best news coverage
Sky News – Glasgow Airport Attack
(Sky News)

Having a look at the Sudoku.

Best sport
ITV F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live
(ITV1)

Deciding Sudoku is too hard.

Best interactivity
Spooks Interactive
(BBC One)

Eh?

Long Service
Bruce Forsyth

Oh Christ… Bored and turning off.

*Click*

 

 

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Heroes Unleashed

October 19, 2007

Heroes Unleashed 

“Hey! That was an interesting episode of Heroes … mind you … goes on a bit don’t it? What is it about these Yankee shows that they have to take two hundred years to tell a story? Ah well, ‘I say tomato, you say …’

OH FUCK IT’S HEROES UNLEASHED!”

Anthony Head: Heroes is amazing, it has stunt-men working on it and everything.
Creator of the show: The stunt guys we have on Heroes are amazing.
Fat guy who plays the policeman: My stunt-guy was amazing. He was able to jump through a window …

(Clip: Scene you’ve just watched)

You: Well it’s hardly Indiana fucking Jones!
Black guy who walks through walls: My stunt-guy man, what can I say? He’s amazing. I’m glad my stunt-guy’s here because I’d have to do all my stunts and I don’t wanna do all my stunts. I don’t want to do that, yeah?
First good-looking woman: My stunt-guy’s amazing.

(Clip: Scene you’ve just watched)

Second good-looking woman: So’s mine.
Anthony Head: Heroes brings together an international cast.
American: The cast on this show is so international.
American: It’s an international show.
American: It’s so international.
American: Working on Heroes, you soon realise how international it all is.

(Clip: Scene you’ve just watched)

Anthony Head: But who is the mysterious man in the horn-rimmed spectacles?
Fat guy who plays the policeman: Wow!
Second good-looking woman: Woa, creepy!
Really bad Indian actor: Oooooh! What’s going on there then eh?

(Clip: Scene you’ve just watched)

American: Next week, Claire goes two’s up with the one who looks like Little Nicky and the fat guy who plays a policeman.

(Clip: Claire making a grab for Little Nicky’s trousers)

Being able to create an illusion of reality that suspends the audience’s disbelief is at the heart of good storytelling. Heroes Unleashed, the sub-standard, DVD-style behind-the-scenes documentary that immediately follows Heroes on BBC2, does a very good job of pissing all over the storyteller’s hard work.

If, in 1981, I’d had to sit through a boring documentary that brought me back down to earth about the everyday, humdrum bunch of arse that was involved in getting The Empire Strikes Back on to the screen immediately after I’d finished watching it, I’d have been really annoyed. This is what Heroes Unleashed does. So, well done BBC2. You hapless cunts.

Resident Evil: Extinction

October 2, 2007

Resident Evil

The really rather lovely Milla Jovovitch returns again to the insufferable Resident Evil universe in this, the third in the shitty zombie computer game movie series.

This time around the rotten old Umbrella virus has infected the entire planet, turning the earth into a dying desert world. Milla, dressed like Lara Croft, rides around this wasteland on a motorbike looking for survivors. She has to visit petrol stations …

“Hold up!” I roared, upending an enormous bag of nuts into my lap, “This is Mad fucking Max! And it’s not even good Mad Max … it’s Mad Max 3 – Beyond Thunderdome! The robbing fucking …”

… because fuel’s low on the ground nowadays. She also listens out for radio messages. One message she responds to sees her captured by evil redneck future people who throw her to a pack of those skinless Dobermans Resident Evil’s so fond of.

Needless to say Milla, who fans of the series will remember is a superhuman genetic experiment kinda gal, kills most of the dogs and escapes. The redneck future people aren’t so lucky. Because they all get killed. By the dogs. In the future. Etc…

“Or that Don Johnson movie where he has a talking dog! What was the name of that? He had a talking dog? He ate dog food out of the tin? It was in the future? Don Johnson? Dog? Talking dog? Yes? Yes?”

Meanwhile, in a bunker under a fenced complex surrounded by faaaaahsands o’ zombies (see: Day of the Dead) …

“They’ve just fucking nicked that straight out of Day of the fucking Dead!”

… a team of boffins are working on an antivirus to ‘tame’ the zombies. They have a zombie in a room chained up, just like in …

“Day of the fucking Dead! This is an outrage!”

… well you get the point. The boffins, led by an evil mad British scientist, are getting the antivirus from the blood of clones of Milla Jovovitch’s character which they grow in a big laboratory. Instead of growing the clones then killing ‘em for the blood, they allow each one to wake up in a fake version of the house/complex from the first movie, and then see how long she lasts before being killed by one of the various booby-traps she encounters as she wanders around (room full o’ lasers, surprise zombie attack, nasty thing that comes out o’ the floor, etc.). They then nick her blood and throw the body in a big pit full of other versions of Mila’s character. I mean, what a ridiculously convoluted way to go about getting blood from a girl … didn’t they just think to ask?

Anyway, in the outside world Milla has occasion to rescue a Desperate Band Of Survivors © who are being attacked by a legion of zombie crows. The survivors are led by what’s-her-face out of Heroes, her out of Final Destination, you know, not the cheerleader, the other one …

“Hello hello hello,” says I, desperately hunting down the Kleenex, “Now that’s more like it. Surely this is the sort of cheap horror entertainment that’ll stoop low enough to flood the screen with tits ‘n’ ass to get bums on seats? Surely her out of Heroes is in this for one reason and one reason alone – to get it all out? Huzzah!”

NOTE TO THOSE EXPECTING HER OUT OF HEROES TO DISROBE AND SHOW OFF THAT EXTRAORDINARY ASS OF HERS: She doesn’t.

The shitbags.

Anyway, Milla, her out of Heroes, the inevitable guy who’s been bitten by a zombie but isn’t telling anyone he has been (see: just about every zombie movie ever made), the spunky teenage girl, a bloke from Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and the other survivors head off to Las Vegas to get fuel …

“It’s always bloody fuel in these future movies! If I’d written Mad Max I’d be suing the living shit out of these robbing bastards!”

… and are attacked by a crate-load of zombies in boiler suits. The zombies have been put there by the evil mad British scientist to kill everyone and capture Milla. The reason that most of the survivors need to be killed is that the writer of this drivel, having the mental age of an excitable eight year old boy, can’t cope with so many different characters. Can’t write ‘em? Kill ‘em, kill ‘em all.

So, just about everyone’s dead, Milla’s really really annoyed and the mad British scientist has been bitten by a zombie. He returns to his evil underground lair and injects himself with loads of the rubbish antivirus. This turns him into a lumpy slimy thing made from balls and elbows and he kills everyone underground …

“I’m sure the same sort of thing happened in the second film didn’t it? Didn’t it? Eh?”

… then broods, and waits.

With crushing inevitability Milla and her out of Heroes and the soldier and the spunky teenager break into the zombie-surrounded complex using a big explosion. All but Milla escape in a helicopter to the supposedly virus-free last bit of Earth that isn’t buggered. Here it’s called ‘Alaska’ … in Waterworld it was called ‘Dry Land’.

And so, underground, Milla and the balls/elbow man have a fight. Like in the finale of Doom, both characters are pumped-up super beings fighting in an underground lair. Lots of things get smashed up.

Then, when all seems lost, one of the Milla clones comes to the original Milla’s rescue and turns on the machine that makes all those lasers turn into a grid pattern thing. This kills the balls/elbow fella …

“Well they’ve done that before …”

… and the scene has become the Resident Evil series’ equivalent of the throwing the alien out of the airlock bit so beloved of the Alien movies. If in doubt, repeat.

The movie ends with Milla and Milla looking at faaaaahsands of other Milas, all ready to be woken up and used as a cheap plot device in the next movie in the series.

“Well that was a pile of crap,” I grumbled, hoping the producers of these appalling movies meet a grisly end that involves knives ‘n’ axes ‘n’ shit.

Warning: This article contains spoilers.

Heroes

July 26, 2007

Heroes 

Despite watching this stone cold sober I found it baffling and uninspired. For those with better things to do, the synopsis is thus: ordinary people that have superhuman powers.

The thing about ‘super’ power is that before you’ve even begun one is expected to suspend belief in the rational, but we have a fucking problem when the producers are desperately trying to convey how ordinary they are. If one has ‘super’ human powers one isn’t ordinary are they? (and the word ‘super’ annoys the shit out of me; it’s so bland and unspecific. I mean if you could fly, to say it’s ‘super’ is a bit of an understatement).

We start off in India where a Professor in genetics by the name of Mohinder finds out his father has been killed. He took the news very well I hasten to add – bloody awful acting… Turns out Pops had a controversial theory on human evolution so he goes to New York to find out what happened to him.

We then start to learn more about the individual ‘Heroes’ that presumably Mohinder’s dad knew of, and obviously explains his death, which means that others know of these Heroes too. One of the main characters, Mr. Bennet, the only character without a forename, suspiciously, seems to be ‘on’ to our gifted friends, even if they don’t fully realise their abilities yet…

We then continue to follow the day-to-day lives of a handful of characters in the USA, conveniently, as they realise they are ‘super’. I can’t be fucked to list them all, so if you really care go here and check them out. The only other foreign chap, a Japanese fellow called Hiro (hero – geddit?), is able to bend the fabric of the space/time continuum. Surely this character negates the whole fucking concept of the plot because anything bad/good to come/go can be reversed/pre-empted. He arrives in New York at the end of the first episode, by using his special powers. Ooer.

A modicum of attention must be made to the Texan cheerleader who is indestructible; so far we’ve seen her leap from great heights only to un-crunch her broken body, catch on fire without injury, blend her hand and have her neck broken only for it to crack back into place… really, if you could actually do any of this stuff, keeping it secret would be last thing on your mind. Channel 4 would pay a fucking fortune for that sort of shit and The Sun would be your pension.

Anyway, already some of the characters know each other, I presume this isn’t a coincidence that they’re, in some way, all connected… though having said that I wouldn’t be surprised if it isn’t, such is the dire lack of imagination that has gone into the initial stages of the ‘plot’.

Essentially this is yet more over hyped shit from the USA and it’s duller than dishwater.

Amen.