Posts Tagged ‘Holby City’

The Friday Question: Celebrity What Now?

October 31, 2008

It seems like every TV show and their ITV alternative have got a celebrity off-shoot these days. From ‘Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ to ‘Celebrity Fat Club’ via ‘Celebrity Family Fortunes’ and beyond, it would appear that that there’s no base level quiz show, reality show or factual show involving the public that can’t be improved by shoving ‘Celebrity’ before the title and having an appearence by Lisa Scott Lee.

So, dear Motherers, what current unupgraded TV shows would you like to see have their profiles raised by the invention of a celebrity version?

Perhaps ‘Celebrity Antiques Roadshow’ would be your weapon of choice, or how about ‘Celebrity 60 Minute Makeover’ or even ‘Celebrity Channel 4 News’?

I’d like to see the arrival of celebrity versions of drama shows, like the Bill or Holby City, where the casts are removed and replaced with reality show winners and failed 80’s pop stars – but still playing the same characters.

That’d beef up an otherwise dull episode of Heartbeat anyday.

The Friday Question: Can You Review In Haiku?

October 17, 2008

After an email from WWM HQ (my desk) went out requesting reviews from our regular writers (to what can only be called a ‘tepid’ response), I once again remind you good, good readers that you can feel free to send us your One Minute Reviews at any time.

Don’t be shy. You won’t get paid, but kudos is more valuable than any old ingot, isn’t it? Yes. It is.

Now then – as we’re lacking in reviews, I suggest we pool our resources and write very brief summations of popular programming. The concept is simple enough…

As you are aware, the Haiku is a  Japanese invention. All you need to do is create a poem of 3 lines with 5, 7 and 5 syllables per line respectively.

Got it?

Right – I’ll set the ball rolling.

Richard & Judy’s New Position
Far too many guests
On your garish red sofa
Someone dim the lights

Blue Peter
Is that Konnie Huq
Still in it? No? In that case
Stuff your Blue Peter

Holby City
Just occasionally
You see guts, blood and offal.
Mostly twats talking.

You can do better than that.

Let’s have ’em.

WWM Podcast Number One

August 22, 2008

It’s here, after a whole world of hassle.

Problems included Napoleon having to fork out for a shabby hotel room and bus ticket, Piqued having to travel into town at the ungodly hour of 3pm and Mr Chipz having to get out of bed when he’s on his six week hibernation holiday.

This is in addition to me, your old friend Swineshead, having to stay up till the early hours of the morning editing the fucker and shitting out jingles to Ben’s questionable vocals.

That’s all quite apart from the post-recording stand off in London’s West End between an unruly chef and three of the programme-makers. I’m surprised we made it out alive.

Anyway, there are a myriad technical issues I can’t be arsed to explain or apologise for, but if you like the sound of four men in a single room shouting at each other (not in a sex way, mind you), then this is Britain’s number one podcast. Consume it immediately.

The running order is as follows:

  • Intro
  • How Clean Is Your House
  • Secret Millionaire
  • Eastenders
  • Holby City
  • Outro

Now to try and get the bastard on iTunes…

Click the player – bear in mind it takes a good while to buffer.

Bafta Television Awards, 2008

April 21, 2008

Harry Hill

Sunday evening and time for some glitz and glamour. I stuck on my dinner jacket and dicky bow, turned out the lights, put out a few nibbles and took some notes on the proceedings, so we can all remember the highs of last night’s wonderful Bafta awards. What a night! What a show! What a collection of humorous acceptance speeches!

If I’m honest, I half-watched it whilst sitting in my pants and reading the paper.

Best actor
Andrew Garfield – Boy A
(Channel 4)

I didn’t watch Boy A when it went out. The only one I did watch of those nominated was Secret Life (the one about the paedophile with the elastic band). That was good and should’ve won, in the expert opinion of someone like me who couldn’t be arsed to watch all the others. The acceptance speech was a bumbling, heart-warming mess, and I wish the young bastard well.

Best actress
Eileen Atkins – Cranford
(BBC One)

Won by that woman out of Gosford Park. Again, I didn’t see Cranford. Was it any good? Was Atkins in Tenko? I think she was in Tenko.
Dame Dench was in the same thing, was nominated, but didn’t win it. Good. Give it to someone else for a change, Dench. Gina McKee should’ve won it, as she was the only one nominated who was in a programme I might actually have watched but can’t remember due to drunkenness (The Street). Plus, she was good in Brass Eye and Naked.

Best entertainment performance
Harry Hill – Harry Hill’s TV Burp

Hooray! I like TV Burp. Even though – in my paranoid mind – he reads WWM and nicks some of our ideas, like Charlie Brooker and Sam Woolaston from the newspaper. Except they probably don’t.

In fact, I’d put money on the fact that they don’t.

Thank God JLC and Alan Carr didn’t win it. Amstell just missed out, which will at least give him material for his egocentric (but admittedly very amusing) gags on Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Best comedy performance
James Corden – Gavin and Stacey
(BBC Three)

This was very strange. The bumbling chubbyman came onstage, all sweetness and light and made a lovely speech about his co-writer (her from Saxondale). He wrapped it up with ‘not funny, but true’. Emotive and nice, setting the scene perfectly for his fuck up later. I’ll get to that in a bit.

How he beat Merchant, Mitchell and Capaldi I’ll never know. I don’t watch Gavin & Stacey and from the nomination clips, I’m glad. Where the other three nominations all had clips demonstrating the quality of the comedy up for an award, Gavin & Stacey’s featured a fat man in some girls’ pants. Hmmm.

Best single drama
The Mark Of Cain
(Channel 4)

Didn’t see it. It was about war, wasn’t it? Good, good.

Also nominated were three other dramas I’ve not seen. Again – sorry.

Best drama serial
(Channel 4)

Didn’t see it. However, I now know that the main lady in it looks bloody lovely in a halter-neck frock. Apparently it was about suicide bombers and stuff.

I didn’t see any of the others and don’t know what they were about.

Best drama series
The Street
(BBC One)

I saw one of these. I definitely saw one of these. The one with David Thewlis acting as though he was a twin that had died, when he was really the twin that hadn’t died. I even reviewed it somewhere. It was good.

I didn’t see any of the Life on Mars business as John Simm makes me shudder, and I didn’t see the others, so clearly the right one won.

Best continuing drama
Holby City
(BBC One)

Napoleon’ll be happy, I thought to myself. Obviously Eastenders was robbed.

Best factual series
The Tower: A Tale of Two Cities
(BBC One)

Guess what? I didn’t see it. It looked very worthy and, if I’m honest, boring. Who wants to be bored? Not me. Should’ve featured zombies.

I’m just glad Merton being a berk in China didn’t win. And I’m even gladder that Meet The Natives didn’t win. The former because is was more about Merton than China, the latter because it was a wholesale rip off of something Donal MacIntyre did much better a few months before to little acclaim. Tribe should’ve won, because Bruce Parry is a real man. He drinks the blood of beasts and takes hallucinogens with mean men.

Best entertainment programme
Harry Hill’s TV Burp

Hooray! A good choice, and Hill had the presence of mind to give us a few catchphrases rather than the faux-modesty and badly prepared gags everyone else attempted. He also beat Britain’s Got Talent and Strictly Come Dancing, the evil reality shows that give pieces of art like Britain’s Worst Teeth a bad name.

Have I Got News For You missed out but it won’t exactly hurt them given that it’ll run on and on until they’re all dead. And probably beyond, with David Mitchell and Russell Brand doing, respectively, Oxbridge intelligensia versus working class humorist.

Best situation comedy
Peep Show
(Channel 4)

Glad this won. The IT Crowd isn’t really my cup of milky tea and The Thick of It, despite excellent scipting/improvisation is an incredibly sneery piece of work. Benidorm remains unwatched, for me. I made the unqualified decision that it’d be rubbish before it started. Was I right? Anyone?

Best comedy programme
(Channel 4)

Oh for Christ’s sake. Fonejacker is a tired concept. The Jerky Boys were doing this ten years ago.

Armstrong & Miller, Ponderland and Star Stories were all better.

Audience award
Gavin & Stacey
(BBC Three)

As mentioned before, I’m not bothered by Gavin & Stacey. Tucked away on BBC3, it’s off my radar like the Lily Allen show and Alexa Chung’s new vehicle ‘The Wall’. I know Corden and his skinny mate from their rubbish turn on Big Brother’s Big Mouth. Corden, arriving on stage, blurted ‘How can we win Best Comedy Performance and this, but not be eligible for Best Sitcom??’

Tumbleweed breezed through the studio. His co-writer (her out of Saxondale) told him off. Everyone went red. Even better – what was the next category? Best sitcom! ‘That’s unfortunate’, said Norton, helping to diffuse the tension.

The only point of interest all evening.

Best single documentary
Lie of the Land
(Channel 4)

Didn’t see it. It was about farmers or something.

Best feature
Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares
(Channel 4)

Oh for god’s sake. Don’t encourage the forehead-trenched, pigeon chested buffoon. We want him off our TVs, not on.

Best international show
(BBC Two)

Not seen it. Looks rubbish. Was doing the crossword by now.

However, was amused by Alan ‘Jim Robinson’ Dale remarking that international seemed only to mean ‘American’. Good man.

Best specialist factual
Andrew Marr’s History of Modern Britain
(BBC Two)

Attempting 3 down.

Best current affairs
China’s Stolen Children – A Dispatches Special
(Channel 4)

7 across.

Best news coverage
Sky News – Glasgow Airport Attack
(Sky News)

Having a look at the Sudoku.

Best sport
ITV F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live

Deciding Sudoku is too hard.

Best interactivity
Spooks Interactive
(BBC One)


Long Service
Bruce Forsyth

Oh Christ… Bored and turning off.




Holby City

April 1, 2008

Holby City 

Are you hopelessly addicted to the shower of shit that is Holby City? I am. I started watching it when my better half was laid up in bed with a broken ankle and we didn’t have cable.

At first, I correctly identified it as being overblown, silly rubbish … but then I suddenly realised what a cracking character Connie Beauchamp was and then there was no hope of rescue. Now I won’t miss an episode – Holby City is my television drug of choice.

Connie’s the key. For those who haven’t spiralled down the rabbit hole yet, Connie’s the big cheese surgeon over at Holby and she’s an absolute fucking bitch. In my opinion, she’s the greatest depiction of a bitch television’s ever seen. If you stuck her in a bear-pit with Joan Collins, Kate O’Mara, and Stephanie Beacham (fuck it, let’s have ’em all topless), Connie would tear them to pieces, smearing her naked bitch-tits with fresh bitch blood. She really is a fucking bitch. The bitch.

And talking of bitches, you also have Jack Naylor gracing the corridors of Holby. She’s a junior bitch, earning her bitch stripes by fucking her boyfriend’s father. She also looks like Skeletor, which means she’s evil. Recently, she was accused of stabbing the man who tried to rape her a few months ago and ended up in Holby’s sister show, Holby Blue. Holby Blue, or The Shouting Regional Policeman Show as it should be more accurately called, has therefore sucked me in by concluding Jack’s recent storyline. The BBC pulled a fast one here by making me watch their other Holby show. Now all they need to do is land one of the Holby surgeons in Casualty and then they’ve dragged me into all three of these shows. Then I’ll do nothing but watch television programmes set in fictional Westcountry cities. The swines.

For those of you interested in selling your soul to Holby City, here’s my handy guide to the chief runners ‘n’ riders. This list is subject to change, as the cast comes and goes in this show faster than you can say Jack Robinson.


Rick Griffin – Holby’s other senior big cheese surgeon guy. Rick’s concerned about the plight of African children and once sewed a pig’s kidney into a man with his mate Adrian Edmonson off of The Young Ones.

Elliot Hope – Nigel from EastEnders with a beard. Elliot spends his life eating odd sandwiches and once helped his wife top herself. His son was addicted to heroin but got better after Elliot was visited by the ghost of Richard Briers at Christmas. That’s not a lie.

Connie Beauchamp – As mentioned, Connie’s a bitch. She shouts at everyone, shouts some more and then does some surgery. By God, I can’t be the only man in Britain to want to march this woman around a bedroom, can I?

Joseph Burn – A twitching lunatic who’s going out with Patsy Kensit off of the 80s. Patsy’s a spider woman and will try murdering Joseph at some stage, I reckon. Joseph’s mother is Jane Asher and his dad used to be Ronald Pickup. Pickup died after spending a long time fucking Joseph’s girlfriend. As you do.

Jack Naylor – A cunt of a woman who’d sell her own mother into slavery to get ahead. Recently arrested on false charges, Jack spent her time in The Shouting Regional Policeman Show shouting at two shouting regional policeman. The two shouting policeman shouted her down and she started crying. This amazed me, as I didn’t think succubi from the very lowest levels of Hell had tear-ducts.


Mark Williams – Formerly Jesus of Nazareth, Mark became addicted to cocaine but then went away for two weeks and was a lot better. Mark spends his time arguing with the new surgeon Linden. Every single episode has him saying, “You can’t perform a (insert surgical procedure here) on this ward, we haven’t got the right equipment!” Then Linden performs it anyway and it all turns out alright. You’d think Mark would learn from this, but he never does.

Chrissie Williams – Mark’s daughter, Chrissie is Holby’s resident bike. She likes ’em all different shapes, sizes and colours and doesn’t seem to mind who owns ’em as long as they get ’em up ‘er. Ahem. Chrissies’ latest squeeze ended up carving up her face with a scalpel in an alcoholic rage. He was Irish, so she should have seen the signs.

Faye Morton – A Black Widow with loads of dead husbands under her belt. Her latest victim is Joseph, a rich lord who’d better watch his back. Faye has the most annoying voice in Holby City, principally because it belongs to Patsy Kensit.

Donna Jackson – A tart with a heart of gold. Still a tart, mind. Donna is the only character that works in a Westcountry city hospital to speak with a Westcountry accent. This means she sticks out like a sore thumb, weirdly. She’s also a blithering idiot. Nice legs though.

So there you go. There are plenty of other characters to discover in Holby City if you care to become addicted to this drivel. If you do, you’ll soon find your life dominated by such questions as:

  • Why was Michael attacked by a man in the car park on his first day?
  • When’s Sam’s cancer going to clear up so he can get back to philandering?
  • Whose cock is Chrissie going to home in on next?
  • Why has nobody cared to query why Elliot’s harrowing drug nightmare with his boy was suddenly resolved, and resolved by the ghost of Richard Briers at that?
  • How come you can up-sticks and leave Holby for fucking months, then come back and not face a disciplinary hearing?
  • Should I leave my missus and stalk Connie Beauchamp?

Still, gives you something to do while you wait for death.