Posts Tagged ‘Ian Wright’

NewsGush – Total Recall

August 28, 2008

Thanks to brain-melting industry publication, Marketing Magazine, you can easily obtain figures detailing how companies compare when it comes to a thing called ‘brand recall’ – which essentially means ‘remembering adverts’. After all – it’s no good making a brain-rotting telenudge unless it’s guaranteed to burn itself into the collective synapse of the proletariat consumer, eh?

Here’re the top 10 performers – and my attempt at total recall.

Sainsburys (69%)
Easy – this is Jamie Oliver patronising people and then cooking them a third rate dinner in some suburban vision of hell on earthly terrain.

Asda (61%)
No idea. Three crates of booze for a tenner? Some arsehole in a green hat patting his arse? Ian Wright pretending to be enthusiastic about baking a loaf? Or is that Somerfield?

Dolmio (60%)
Fucking annoying puppets blabbering incomprehensibly about sauce.

Littlewoods Direct (53%)
No idea. Scrabbling for a memory, I can picture some tall girl mucking about in slow motion on a beach in a peach-coloured dress – but I think that’s just a generic mental image I’ve invented when I think of the catalogues middle aged women get through the post. I also recall many happy moments spent with the lingerie section of the Kays catalogue. Thanks again, catalogue-model girls.

L’Oreal Elvive Re-Nutrition (51%)
Is this Andie MacDowell? Or Eva Longoria? Either way, it’s a shit actress talking crap. Or it may just be a model with the speech dubbed over. In any case, hair doesn’t need nutrition. It just needs an occasional wash.

Marks & Spencer (49%)
Undoubtedly this’ll be Myleene and Claude Makelele’s wife playing silly buggers in swimsuits, in a lighthouse while an old woman and a giantess look on. Getting a bit tiresome, this campaign (if looking at this sort of thing could ever be considered tiresome).

Burger King (49%)
The Dark Knight burger. When I can’t decide what brand of coloured, flavoured offal and dung pattie  I want to stick into my gut, I let a fictional character – usually a superhero – decide for me.

Morrisons (48%)
More reasons to shop at more-reasons? Is that still going? Or is it Alan ‘Arsehole’ Hansen clutching a trolley like a zimmer-frame? I’m guessing rather than trying to remember these ads now, if you hadn’t noticed.

Vauxhall Corsa (47%)
I can’t remember car ads, ever. Has it got a car in it?
Going very fast?
It has?
Then I won’t remember it.

Flora pro.activ (46%)
I don’t even know what this is. It’s got ‘Flora’ attached so I assume it’s margarine – but the weirdly punctuated and abbreviated bit at the end leads me to assume it’s a futuristic margarine that makes your bones robotic or something. This sort of branding makes me hit spread-autopilot and reach for the Utterly Butterly out of brain-freeze confusion.

The end

Scientific Conclusion:

We only remember adverts if they’re hugely patronising, if they feature women in bikinis or if they’ve got puppets talking with very strong, affected italian accents in them.

I think we’ve all learned something today.

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack

January 7, 2008

Having announced that there would be no Celebrity Big Brother this year, Endemol then sneakily delivered this uppercut. No celebrities involved, just a load of potentially successful youngsters and celebrities acting as Big Brother, in command of the housemates. Interesting. Of course, they’re still irritating, constantly talking about how they can do amazing shits. But at least they’re a cut above your Maxwell and Aisleynnes, i.e. they have brains and aren’t just malicious spuds on sticks or pointless tit-carriers.

All of this is a good thing as it means nobody with a Jade Goody-like brain turned up, dragging their Victorian freak-show mother behind them and a big pair of stupid plastic wangers up front. Nobody involved, so far, has been irredeemably stupid. Watching the show is fractionally more pleasurable as a result as there’s not yet been any genuine spite – spite being the stuff critics say the likes of stupid-old-me tune in for.

It’s also better because there aren’t as many of the bastards to remember. And they’ll only be around for 12 weeks so those of us who are weirdly addicted to this rubbish will be spared the horror of Week 24 when racist foodfights, footage of people sleeping and unlikely and revolting sexual couplings tend to happen out of the contestants’ sheer boredom.

In terms of celebs, we’ve had a couple already. Firstly, Matt Lucas was effective, literally getting inside the head of housemate John via an earpiece and utterly humiliating him as soon as he entered the house, commanding him to act like a tit as his new pals entered, one by one. The highlight was the moment he was commanded to drop to the floor and scream ‘I’ve got cramp’. Inexplicably amusing. Then they revealed to everyone else it was a set up, relieving the tension before it could’ve got nasty, with the rest of the house bitching about the weirdo Scotch man.

It bode well, but then Ian Wright (who, being a gooner, I happen to have a soft spot for) turned up and started acting like a big fanny, blathering on about his charity work, apropos of nothing, and eyeing up the totty – of which there is admittedly a bountiful supply.

So let’s go through the housemates before they disappear into obscurity, despite their talents.

John: Aforementioned Scottish youth activist. Of gargantuan size. Eager to please, which is grating, but reasonably smart. Kilt was ill-advised. Got into hot tub on day one, forcing others to crush themselves into tiny corners in order not to make bodily contact with him.

Jade: Unfortunately-monickered beauty queen. From some angles incredibly beautiful, from others resembles a confused death mask. Desperately eager to please, which is grating, but has a top botty. And let’s face it lads, that’ll do us. Apparently a straight ‘A’ student, but she must’ve cheated.

Liam: Freakish boy/man/monkey with a thriving media-based business, the like of which I could never comprehend. Occasionally speaks, but happily keeps it to a minimum. Seems more concerned with the fact that his wig is on horizontally than with the fact he is on television. Wears stupid pants.

Latoya: Reserved and possibly calculating dancer who seems indifferent to anything other than watching herself doing the odd bodypop. Interesting haircut undermined by a seemingly small brain lurking somewhere beneath it.

Anthony: Successful boxer. Looks like a thug but turns out he’s quite the gent, and an affable one at that. I’ll give it two weeks until he aimlessly punches a window and gets asked to leave.

Calista: Musician who can certainly play a good piece on the old Joanna, but whose lyrics are, being harsh, shit. Desperately eager to please, specifically when it comes to Jay, but is so innocuous he can’t even remember her name.

Nathan: Mobo winning R&B type who let himself down badly when bum-sucking Ian Wright (he must be an Arsenal fan). That toadying was a real off-putter. Also, being over 21 and middle class, I don’t know what ‘stoosh’ means, so loses points again.

Amy: ‘Artist’ who is likeable enough, but whose talent consists of ripping off better artists. Looks like Vivienne Westwood as played by Heather Mills.

Jeremy: Racing driver with the snidest face in the house. Looks like Pete Doherty after a collision with Harry Potter in which much bile was spilt. His face is constantly in sneer-mode and it’s weirdy endearing. Is so calculating, the only explanation is that he smuggled in a calculator.

Amelia and Victor: Brother and sister contortionist combo. Circus performers who, in the words of Amelia, can ‘put their asses on their heads’. He is as thick as pigshit, and so is she, but she can put her ass on her head, which is probably sexually impractical but makes the mind-boggle all the same.

Jay: Bruno.You know Bruno? That Borat spin off? That’s Jay. I need say no more.

So Big Brother is back, in a very slightly different format. I suggest you revert to your usual BB default mode – complete ignorance peppered with the odd nasty remark when the subject is raised by others or complete, embarrassed immersion and self-disgust. I’m in the latter camp, sadly.

Enjoy…

ASDA adverts

September 27, 2007

Celebrities are amazing people. Truly, madly, deeply amazing people. They can brighten our day, make us feel special and turn even the most humdrum act into an exciting, liberating experience.

Take, for example, working for ASDA. To the vast majority of normal people it is a great example of a McJob – mentally and physically demanding, underpaid, patronising and exploitative – but in the hands of Ian Wright it is a joyous task filled with comedy banter, idle conversations and pleasure-bringing to the great unwashed. How wonderful! The job seems to be so much easier and improved with the inclusion of a celebrity fish-seller it makes you wonder why ASDA haven’t sacked their entire workforce and replaced them with washed up TV pundits. Think about it; one roaming camera crew to keep up the quality service and you’ll have thousands more customers flocking through the doors clammering to see Chantelle making pies and Nick Hancock offering wine-tasting.

What’s very interesting about Ian Wright’s behaviour in this advert is that almost everything he does would urge disiplinary action against normal employees. Were a 17 year old shelf-stacker to hustle or entertain customers in such a manner, they would find themselves hauled into the manager’s office and verbally beaten into submission. Were the 17 year old also to be overly familiar to customers, approach children offering them food and disply a lack of knowledge of their subject then you can guarantee that they’d be shown the door.

The advert tells us more about ASDA than they’d like us to know; primarily that they’re tight enough to rely on celebrity association rather than specialised branding. It’s far cheaper to throw a c-list celebrity into a store and let him interact with minimum wage employees (who will not have been paid extra for their involvement) than a considered and creative campaign from a large advertising company. Shoot it on handheld low-grade camera to keep costs down and you can afford to throw even more money at your designated ‘personality.’

At least Ian Wright is a better choice than their previous spokesperson, Sharon Osbourne. Her gurning, patronising spiel about bargains and parental responsibilities just made a nation stare aghast – amazed that anyone could think she was a thrifty shopper, let alone a good parent.

It’s an awful advertising campaign; misleading, simplistic and exploitative of their workforce. Much like the company itself.

“Asda has been criticised for misleading advertising, using suppliers who are known to have illegal employment practices, ignoring planning regulations and destroying greenbelt land, lack of serious environmental policy and blatant greenwash. With its ‘strategy of consolidation’, copied directly from Wal-Mart, Asda pursues an aggressive takeover policy of small towns, wiping out local competition and local jobs. False claims by the company about ‘value’ and ‘convenience’, have been challenged, along with the exploitation of every opportunity to push impulse buying”

Corporate Watch