Posts Tagged ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’

Just A Thought – The Future Of ITV

March 17, 2009

There’s been a lot of hoo-ha in the meejia over the continuing decline of ITV. Britain’s third channel has recently shelved family favourites such as Heartbeat and The Royal, there are rumblings that local news will eventually disappear from our screens and many of the lavish dramas the channel is justly celebrated for have either already been canned or cancelled before a shot’s been filmed. Indeed, if advertising revenue continues to plummet, there’s a real worry that ITV could cease to exist entirely.

If this happened, we’d lose quite a lot of very popular and, in some cases, important television: Coronation Street, The Bill, Emmerdale, The X Factor, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, Taggart, A Touch Of Frost, Harry Hill’s TV Burp, I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!, You’ve Been Framed, Midsomer Murders … love ‘em or hate ‘em, there’s no denying ITV still pumps out some big ass shows. The loss of Coronation Street, for example, would be a hammer-blow to the very heart of what makes British television unique, and a personal tragedy for millions of viewers.

But would this really happen? If ITV dies the death many pundits fear, would a show as culturally significant as Coronation Street be allowed to go down in flames with the rest of the channel? Surely another broadcaster would come to its rescue? I don’t believe for one minute that a show that regularly brings in an audience of 14 million viewers would be consigned to the history books because the place it’s called home for the last forty nine years disappears from under it. If the worst happened, I strongly suspect Coronation Street would be snapped up by the likes of Sky One. Hell, I could even see it on the BBC.

If something as identifiably ‘ITV’ as Coronation Street appearing elsewhere seems hard to contemplate, just remember it wouldn’t be the first time. ITV originally broadcast Men Behaving Badly, yet it was the BBC that turned it into the comedy juggernaut it later became. Auf Wiedersehen, Pet had two series on channel three before being successfully revived, once again, by the good old BBC. And let’s not forget both Channel 5 and Sky have gone resurrection crazy with rubbish such as Gladiators, Minder, Going For Gold and Superstars shitting blood all over the schedules.

If we were to lose ITV, I suspect, sadly, that we’d never see the likes of Frost, Midsomer Murders or Taggart again, but I reckon the loss of the channel wouldn’t necessarily mean the loss of Coronation Street, The Bill, Emmerdale or Millionaire. I’d be willing to bet the truly inspired TV Burp would resurface on Channel 4, and you can bet your arse the monumentally greedy Simon Cowell would be banging on Rupert Murdoch’s door to make sure both The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent didn’t go the way of the dodo. Similarly, I’m A Celebrity would be so at home on Sky, I’m surprised it’s not there already.

Losing ITV would be, for many of us, like losing a beloved family member. However, like the old family photos you come across every now and again, the bits and bobs of theirs you find in a drawer, there would be enough mementos of it about to keep its memory alive.

Indeed, the death of ITV could be the best thing that ever happened to the channel. We’d still have all its best bits spread about the schedules, and none of the shit that has brought the channel’s reputation to its knees. That, bizarrely, could be ITV’s saving grace.

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Iceland Christmas Advert 2008

December 2, 2008

We live in a world where atrocities occur each and every day. Whether that be the systematic rape and imprisonment of children, the genocide of entire races of people or the false imprisonment and torture of ethnic minorities, few can deny that the world can be an ugly and brutal place.

Despite knowing of the depths of man’s inhumanity to man, despite being aware of the full capacity of evil that exists within human beings it’s still hard to imagine anything – anything – worse than the prospect of having to watch the Iceland Christmas advert again.

When the final city falls, the last creature dies and we are visited by alien beings eager to learn the tragic circumstances of our downfall (much like the ending to Steven Spielbergs A.I., in fact) they will look upon this moment and realise that everything can be attributed to the release and distribution of this advert.

As the souls of the damned burn in eternal hellfire they will be forced to watch this medley of frozen foods, Christmas carols and ITV stalwarts in ear piercing 3D futuroscope. On an endless loop, it will pierce their retinas and they will begin their unanswered cries for mercy, knowing that only an appearance by Christopher Biggins could deepen their pain.

It’s a distant and terrifying world for me; the world where frozen pepperoni kebabs hawked by fake-tittied junkies, self-hating right-wingers and formally famous pop stars can be considered appealing. These are the dregs of the celebrity world; end of the pier daytime TVers more famous for their lives than their talents – yet somehow their endorsements are seen as encouragable.

The planet may be bleeding terror and dying from environmental collapse, the soul of humanity may well be killing itself and bringing destruction upon itself and the capitalistic system may be bringing us to the edge of a societal implosion but real evil – deep true evil, the kind Buffy used to battle – is reserved for inside the cathode rayed nipple in the corner of the room, the glowing box which bears the names Katona, Nolan and Donovan.

Fear them, for they will destroy us all.

The Friday Question – Objectionable

November 14, 2008

(video with kind permission of Media Lounge)

With Robert Kilroy-Silk returning to our screens thanks to those idiots over at I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here HQ, the mind turns to those characters who’ve appeared on the TV with alarming regularity who seem completely objectionable in almost every way.

Jeremy Kyle bounces into view, riding on the hefty shoulders of Nick Ferrari. In the far distance, the sound of James Whale and his godawful late night TV show.

I’m sure Richard Littlejohn was once on TV, and if Jon Gaunt hadn’t have ballsed up his radio show by calling that Tory a Nazi, he’d probably have got his own late night ITV2 slot too.

So, looking back from times past to the present day…

Who’s the most objectionable person you’ve seen on television?

Probably best if we stick with those  lacking in morality, ethics and tolerance rather than those whose accents or faces you don’t like…

NewsGush – I’m A Celebrity List Leak

November 11, 2008

robert kilroy silk

Leaked?

Balls!

ITV couldn’t wait to shoot the list of victims for this years I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. So they pronged this one out of their press release machine early in the hope of getting some attention at the end of a newsless Tuesday.

We’ve posted the full list of desperate celebrities below, just like every other entertainment site’s done.

Make your own minds up as to whether they’ll provide an interesting sociological insight to the workings of fame or if they’ll once again offer only hours of tedium interspersed with the odd sighting of an ex-politician eating a maggot as though his life and credibility depends on it.

Martina Navratilova
How much do you get for winning tennis matches? I thought it made you rich?

Brian Paddick
Not half a year ago he was going for the Mayor of London job. Now he’s be aiming to pluck a plastic star off some string while rats piss on him.

Simon Webbe
Previously, Costa. This year, Webbe. Next year, Ryan. 2009, the one who looks like a beaten up Brad Pitt. 

Mickey Miller
Oh Christ, Mickey. I know I wished you out of Walford but I didn’t realise you’d end up this low. I’m so, so sorry.

Esther Rantzen
Work dried up has it, Esther? Resorting to this rubbish are you? That’s life, I suppose. Actually, I suspect you’re doing this because you’re a game old bird. God bless you.

Dani Behr
The girl with the knockers from The Word? Oh, right.

Carly Zucker
Already booked in for the ‘gratuitous bikini shot’ slot, recently vacated by the once-lovely, now desperately irritating Myleene Klass. Carly Zucker used to be Joe Cole’s roasting buddy, so don’t expect stimulating discourse.

Georgina Baillie
Oh fantastic.
Give… me… strength…

And at no extra cost, we present:

Robert Kilroy-Silk
Jesus Christ!
That’s, ‘job done’ by casting, as far as I’m concerned. RKS guarantees that at least the opening show will be watched, as people’ll tune in simply to see how that racist, self-righteous arsehole tries to present himself to a largely unsympathetic public.

It starts Sunday, if you can bear it.

NewsGush: CBB + Mini Me = Good TV?

October 7, 2008

According to DigitalSpy (who actually know about this stuff, rather than just picking it up and ranting about it like us), that little fellow who was in Austin Powers is going to be in Celebrity Big Brother next year.

Channel 4 are reviving the format after the race row incident put them in hot water all that time ago, and we’ll once again be invited to watch has-beens as they do nothing.

Hurrah!

According to DS, other stars in talks with Endemol are:

  • Cliff Richard
  • Lembit Opik
  • Whitney Houston

Admittedly, of all these kinds of shows, Celebrity Big Brother is the most entertaining because we get to see stuff like this. And witness nasty goings on like this.

But, as with the pleb version, surely even it’s most ardent followers must think that the enterprise has run out of steam?