Posts Tagged ‘Lorraine Tighe’

The Apprentice 2009 – Who Will Win? Week 5

April 23, 2009
Clue: It ain't gonna be this cream puff

Clue: It ain't gonna be this cream puff

The numbers are falling as we approach week six, with Kimberly now one of the five contestants sent packing and hurtling away from Brentford in a black cab. Some great comments last week and a handful of newcomers, so let’s see how our sweepstakish competition is getting along, this time with no dirty tricks. I have my list to hand and an eye on last week’s comments to see who’s backing who…

Phillip
Napoleon, fourstar, Exelsior and Mel are still in the game, backing boorish bulldozer Phillip with his made up face and straightened hair. The big girl. ‘I’m just a big head from Durham who sells houses’ said Phil this week. And he was quite right, though I doubt he sells that many… Unbelievably, THREE new Phil supporters joined the lad’s ranks last week. JohnP and OffensiveMango added their names to the roster, with BadgerMadge also picking him as Maj went out some time ago.

Noorul
Ugeine and Nick of the T continue to follow the doomed Noorul who is probably the mopiest Apprentice candidate we’ve seen. Not content with looking like rigor mortis has just set in, he couldn’t even have a giggle while dressed as Pantsman – preferring to sulk in a garage instead.

Debra
Lord Milky and myopiniononstuff (aka Dave) still back (the unusually silent this week) Debra – and Steve joins their number. Are they mad?  ‘Debra’s a cow’ Clarry added, ages ago.

Kate
Sue De Nymh has her money on Kate and after seeing Walshy at her best this week, it’s starting to look like a sound bet. One for the final? There’s definitely something going on in that head of hers.

Yasmina
Your host Swines and ELM still pursue the pixie-like Yas. They also rummage through her bins and steal her underpants from the penthouse washing line. The filthy perverts.

Ben
Scantregard follows Ben. Expertly silenced by Kate in Week 5, will Ben ever have a chance to show his softer side? Does he even have one? Or is his whole being as rough and ungodly as that hideous unshaved chin?

Out!

Kimberly
Oh, Ruudboy! And you only joined in last week! Kimberly was unable to handle the grumpiest team she could’ve hoped to have got, and she ended up in the back of the black cab’s dreaded enclave. Bad luck, Ruud – pick another!

Not yet picked

Still unpicked, like schoolboy Swines at the five-a-side selection:

  • Howard
  • James
  • Mona
  • Lorraine

Anyone else care to throw their hat into the ring, nail their colours to the mast or shout the odds? Come and have a go if you believe you’re hard enough!

Stop being so bloody juvenile!

That means YOU, Piqued. Suggesting someone called Simon when there’s nobody called Simon in the bloody competition is just SILLY.

So STOP IT.

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The Apprentice 2009 – Episode 5

April 23, 2009

The Apprentice 2009 Review Episode 5 Pantsman

There were tears, there were tantrums, there was an unearthly primal scream of sheer horror. I turned my television on, still uninformed as to who’d been fired this week (having not yet watched the show), and the You’re Fired programme was showing Kimberly’s best bits. With a little bit of psychological detective work (carried out against my will by my blasted brain, I ought to add) I found I’d given away the ending of the show to myself. Thus, carnage ruled my living room as I tore every piece of furniture from its casters in a fit of unbridled fury.

Happily, as it turns out, it really doesn’t make that big a difference if you know which suit got the boot. We all know the fun is in the chase, so having early knowledge when it comes to the artifice of the firing at the end (how can you fire someone who’s not yet been hired anyway?) doesn’t spoil things too much.

Incidentally, apologies if you read the first paragraph of this review without seeing the show first and I spoiled it for you.

Right. Moving on: Last night’s opening ceremony saw Debra answer the phone to the unlikely 30 minute warning. Somehow, in the midst of all this, someone had time to boil a couple of eggs.

Now – if those are soft-boilers, they’ll require just short of four minutes, with additional time for toast-buttering and tea-making to consider in the process (these are essential, non-negotiable elements). Alternatively, if they’re hard-boilers, they’ll need at least nine minutes in the pan. In addition, even a man needs at least twenty minutes to get ready, plus about five minutes for bowel evacuation and front-watering – so whoever plunged those eggy-weggs was either flippantly dicing with their own death or is extremely self-assured and brilliantly adept when multi-tasking. Whoever boiled those eggs should be The Apprentice.

A soft boiled egg takes a good while to eat, after all. A hard-boiler can be slipped in the pocket and saved for later. Perhaps this was the methodology selected by the canny egg-preparer who, in my opinion, should go on to win this thing.

Off to the IMAX, where Alan Sugar’s face filled the big screen. A dream realised for Sir Alan, a nightmare made actuality for the rest of us. The task this week turned out to be the same as last year’s tissue advertising challenge, this time with cereal instead of nose-wipes. They were asked to brand the breakfast – essentially rice crispies with dried fruit, unappetisingly – and then pitch it back to the ad agency with  a TV ad and a well-designed box. And a good cartoon character. Forward-thinking viewers will have noticed at this point that we were all set for some costume wearing at some point in the show. Exciting!

Empire were shadowed by Margaret and led by Kate who insightfully warned Ben, her underling this week, that there were to be no ‘sex sells’ brainstorms. The rest of her crew, James, Yasmina and Debra, agreed, using silence as their weapon.

On Ignite’s team, Nick followed Kimberly as she tried to lead one of the most uncomfortable looking clans in the history of the show. To me, it looked like Phillip felt he’d been landed with the B Team and couldn’t see how it had happened. All the star players were over on Empire whilst he was stuck with the geek squad, and it caused him to erupt into character – a power-hungry, pants-obsessed loon.

The man was a monster in the team’s brainstorm. When Lorraine tried to blurt out her hopeless ideas, she was confronted with Phillip screaming in what can only be described as an aggressively passive aggressive style. His first idea for the character – the Cereal Killer – would never get past the censors. He then took an idea he’d had, pants-based, as it was, and asked if he could ‘flipside’ those pants. The others, ground down by his relentlessly awful conversational style – bark, growl, huff – went with the underwear idea, including his mind-boggling ‘dance in your pants’ song. The idea being that when you wake up, you’re so bleary eyed that you put your pants over your trousers. Wake Up Call cereal will apparently cure this common household occurence that never happens.

Phil walked all over the colour scheme for the ‘Pantsman’, then sulked when he was defied and the edit cut to a lovely shot of him sulking whilst colouring in. Typically, Phil wrestled back the lead on the jingle-writing side of the project. Working with an assigned songwriter who looked confused and incredulous throughout, Phil’s Dance In Your Pants song was largely indecipherable. ‘He thinks he’s Bono’, muttered the man on the keys.

Empire’s brainstorm was a far better example of how these things should go, with a natural progression of ideas which ends with a pretty marketable idea. Kate’s management style appeared to be anything goes, so long as Ben wasn’t allowed to do anything. She kept the rasping short-arse tied up with the stupid stuff – putting on pirate parrot costumes and moaning in the background – while all around her flourished on the Captain Squawk and the Treasure Flakes concept.

Over on Team Disaster, Kim made the fatal error of asking the designers to create the back and sides of her cereal box without any input from her people. Little surprise then that the narked off graphics whizz returned a box which, apart from the back panel, was a block of solid green. He probably did this to spite her as leaving a Designer without a brief is like leaving a child-minder with a deceased infant.

Their film shoot for the ad was directed by Kim and looked appalling, but it turned out later that their Editors pulled off a miracle and made it look amusing rather than freakish, given how terrified the children were while the cameras rolled. On the other team, with Ben confined to the hollow interior of a plastic parrot, things went off well despite their star performer’s nut allergy.

During the parrot-pitch, Debra turned in a strong performance  and Kate handled one particularly cantankerous Marketing type well. Pants-pitch went a little differently with Mona in charge. Kim may not have been present when, during episode one, Mona steamrollered the manager of a hummer-hire firm. If she had, she wouldn’t have let her answer questions, let alone present their product. Her pitch was like watching a collision of juggernauts which somehow left no memory trace.

When they were all done, it was off to the boardroom for a right kicking from the bearded one.Ignite bizarrely but unanimously backed Kim apart from the dissenting voice of Lorraine who got told off for her ‘snap, crackling and popping’ stance, even though she was justified, as things turned out.

Empire championed their leader Kate, with even Ben backing the blonde. This blew Alan’s mind and he took time out to have a pop at the ‘hoarse Ian Paisley’ soundalike – making it clear the unshaven idiot’s card is marked and that Ben’s teeth will be bitten out in the boardroom at some point soon.

Ignite were given the inevitable news that they’d failed. ‘Not funny! Stupid!’ screamed Alan, in his trademark succinct style. Empire, meanwhile, were sent off to do some laughing yoga with a guru in a tracksuit. It didn’t look much fun.

The loss lit Phillip’s touchpaper and, having hoarded all the toys for himself, he proceeded to chuck them from his pram with gay abandon. ‘We tried too hard’, he claimed before embarking on the tacit ‘Let’s Get Lorraine!’ mission that seemed to have been arranged. Kim’s histrionics and jazz hands did her no favours and, when Phillip finally flip-flopped from his anti-Lorraine agenda and cornered her, Kim was given the extended finger. Alan seemed to enjoy the process of firing an American, using therapy and psychoanalysis references to mock her ability to explain herself without resorting to cliche.

In his closing gambit, Alan said that Kimberly’s personality is like the final scene of the Wizard of Oz – where ‘behind the curtain nothing was there’. This is a badly rendered comparison, as behind the curtain was the eponymous wizard, who was little more than a frail old man.

I think The Apprentice final is more like The Wizard of Oz as once the glitzy procedure is over, the curtain is drawn back and all you can see is a bearded, wizened little tit pulling the strings.

In Brentford.

NEXT WEEK:

The contestants take part in Dickinson’s Real Deal in an exclusive shared-rights deal with ITV. Don’t miss it!

Preview
Episode 1

Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Last series
.

The Apprentice: Who Will Win? Week 4

April 16, 2009
Hint: It's definitely not this one
Hint: It’s definitely not this one

To prevent the unthinkable scenario in which I have to keep rereading your comments to see which contestant you individually flip-flopped onto the preceding week, we’re going with last announced favourite. So let’s look at where we stand.

Phillip
Napoleon and fourstar are joined by Exelsior and Mel in their championing of make-up wearing, hair-straightening, brief-wearing metrosexual Phillip. They’ll no doubt be fretting somewhat over his aggressive manner and his way with a make up bag.

Noorul
Ugeine and Nick of the T are both backing the teacher and will have been dispirited by his bumbling silence in week 4 – in a management performance that was possibly too subtle for any of us to understand.

Debra
Lord Milky and myopiniononstuff (aka Dave) are still in the running with the Essex giantess with the enormous mouth. An anonymous week for Debra who escaped the finger by being edited out of the mix. ‘Debra’s a cow’ Clarry added, some time ago.

Kate
Sue De Nymh’s choice is still in the running – but wiley Sue has thrown me a curveball by cunningly voting twice for two different members of the cast. I have to allow it through as I didn’t notice when it happened. Will it matter come the final judgement? We’ll have to wait and see.

Yasmina
Your host Swines is still in the running despite a disastrous performance from Yasmina on the show and outside of it, where women seem to be rallying one another into explaining that Yasmina’s ‘not all that’. Which they have every right to do. ELM joins me in my championing of the headstrong betrayer.

Kimberly
Ruudboy joins the mix and follows Kimberly, the roughest, toughest and creamiest puffin to ever cross the Atlantic. Will she ever live that quote down?

Ben
Probably already regretting his pick, Scantregard opted for Ben – and who can argue with his choice of the quarrelsome little shit? Not me, I don’t get involved in these things.

Out!

Paula
So – it turns out Sue De Nymh‘s tricky double-hander proved pointless, as her second choice went last night! Bad luck, Sue!
Cheats never prosper.

Maj
Last week beardy Maj went, leaving Vones and Badger Madge out in the cold. Come back in you crazy guys, and take another pick!

Not yet picked

This leaves us with:

  • Howard
  • James
  • Mona

unpicked and languishing without any backing.

Newcomers, feel free to back one. The rest of you are going to have to stick to your guns until your choice gets fired. And I’ll be able to work out if you’re trying to confuse me as I’ve now got a list of who’s picked who, including Who, following Sue‘s dirty tricks. That’s right – A LIST.

Stop being so bloody juvenile!

Very clever, Breeks. Disallowed Sugar, Nick or Margaret because they’re stupid choices she’s now backing The BBC. Piqued also chipped in with his backing for Alan Sugar – another brilliant master of satire.

More confusingly, Ugeine is opting for Scrappy Doo to win The Apprentice.

Too many cartoons can ruin a nubile mind.

The Apprentice Lookalike Fun – Week 3

April 10, 2009

Majid The Apprentice 2009 BBC

As if we ever doubted it, ‘reformed rebel and car hire firm owner’ Majid Nagra is the spitting image of ‘Street Fighter video game character and Russian wrestler’ Zangeif.

I guess you could say Wednesday night was a real ‘K.O.’ for the bearded one.

The Apprentice 2009 – Episode 3

April 9, 2009

monas-oh-face Mona Lewis Apprentice 2009

It was Lorraine who took the thirty-minute-warning call from Amstrad Incorporated last night at the top of the show, and I don’t think a more unflattering shot’s been employed in Apprentice History ™. Lorraine wobbled away from the phone like a crumpled crone, while all around her prepared for the day. Kim partially flopped her sugar puffs out for the camera, Kate removed a lobe of her brain, James done a line in the bogs and Ben flexed the muscles of his four foot frame in front of the hallway mirror, naked, with a puny erection.

Before they’d even set off, Phillip moaned about having to go to the boardroom, despite not yet knowing who’d be going to the boardroom, while Ben employed another of his pleasant allegories – ‘whoever I’m up against, their arseholes’ll be twitching like rabbit’s noses’.

What a gloriously overconfident turd he’s turning out to be.

In the ‘world famous’ Lea Valley Athletics Centre (don’t ask me – I thought Lea Valley was a brand of double cream) the teams were mixed for the first time. Kim and Kate went over to join Empire, siding with Howard, James, Majid, Kate, Ben and Cream Puff Kim. Over on the Ignite side, Noorul and Phil crossed over, joining Debra, Lorraine, Paula and Mona.

Got that? Then we’ll begin.

Debra put her foot down so hard she trampled part of Lorraine’s face when implanting herself as Team Leader for Ignite, whilst James was met by blank expressions and the odd unenthusiastic ‘ok then’ when he put himself forward. So – Debra vs James. The brutal brunette versus the jittery jumper. Bring it on.

Empire kicked off with a brainstorm. Ben took the bull by the horns and started talking about some kind of spring mounted system for having sex on. In the background, James grasped for the reins but couldn’t take control as Ben prattled on about his boingy-bonk machine, wasting valuable time. Eventually they settled on a multi-gym knock off which went from being called the Bingo Wing Buster to the Home MultiSomethingorOther. When it was returned from the designers to Empire’s specifications it resembled a knackered, practice guitar amp, looked like it smelled of ashtray and underwhelmed all concerned.

Ignite’s brainstorm seemed to consist solely of Phillip swivelling around on his buns, gyrating his hips and bending his knees. A decision was made, based on the fluid movement of the Estate Agent’s ball and socket kinesis, to create a Bum Ball. The name got changed somewhere along the way.

A strange incident in the car later, when Debra took a call from Yasmina regarding who would model their Bum Ball Hip Swivel when the time came. Yasmina preferred Phillip to Noorul because she feels he’s better looking. But then she mixes her signals by adding that it would be better to have one white model and one from an ethnic minority – so Phillip and Mona would be a better shot.

Now, quite apart from the clumsy juxtaposition of her points and despite the fact she insultingly discussed someone’s physical appearance on speakerphone, I don’t think Yasmina meant any harm here. There’s a marketing term – multi-ethnicity – referring to the mix of colour in a promotional shot, and I think that’s all she was driving at. Debra reacted badly, however, and kicked off a short, sharp argument in which it became quite clear that she was trying to place herself as a non-racist, overstating it to the point where you had to question her motives. As a result, it’s hard to see her as anything other than a card-carrying member of the BNP. Reverse psychology, see?

When their Swiv-hip 2000 arrived in the post, Mona demonstrated it by straddling it missionary-style and pulling a sex face. The product looked pretty good in neutral green and white, and clearly to the mind of Mona that was too much to bear and she began to require its services sexually. Admittedly, in comparison with Ben’s monstrosity, theirs was some hot-sexy product design, so you can’t blame Mona for her perversions. When she took her place for the photoshoot she literally spent the entire shoot with her legs spread, as the male element in the room gazed around the room for somewhere right and proper to look. On the other team, Ben flexed his little muscles, the self-appointed best looking member of the group turned hopeless creative force and, by now, squat model. It’s hard to tell if Ben’s appearance is all a cleverly constructed joke on the viewer.

And so to the pitches – traditionally a barrel of laughs but a little short this time. Still, we had some memorable fluffs, like Phillip declaring his Swivelhip 2000 was the new iPod and Ben slapping his own arse-mid presentation – but my favourite was either Mona’s foot-shooting ‘It doesn’t work on my bottom – so it’s brilliant’ or Lorraine explaining that ‘Nana’ could use the multi-gym – which put the unwelcome image of Nana Swineshead doing squat thrusts to my tired mind. Debra’s assessment of whipping girl Lorraine’s pitch style was a shocker – ‘she comes across as either hearing impaired or slightly stupid’ she said, and you can’t help but wonder how many complaints that drew from people watching with subtitles.

Incidentally, I’m sure one of the retailers being pitched to was one of the Last Millionaires. And the fact I recognised him reveals that I watch far, far, FAR too much of this kind of television.

To the boardroom!

Sugar was on form last night for the first time this series, mainly because he’s better when reacting to bullshit, shooting down his prey than he is reading from a script. I particularly enjoyed his pointed explanation to Debra that anyone who gives 110% is a mug, because ‘they’ve been done for 10%’.

James’s Empire received 500 orders, remarkably. On the other team, Debra’s Ignite received 10,180 and won by a country mile. Yasmina was criticised by Sugar for throwing the figure of 20,000 for six months exclusivity into the pitch, but it seems entirely possible the 10,000 from John Lewis came as a reaction to her not buttoning up her over-quote. She should be championed if you ask me – good old unbiased Swineshead. Anyway, it’s by the by – they won and got to watch a blonde woman destroy some Leonard Cohen.

Off to the Bridge Cafe, an establishment that must be pig sick of failed Recruitment Consultants and Property Sales Sods mooching about their floor, bickering like children and letting their tea go cold. If I were the proprieter I’d put a sign on the door – ‘No more than two pinstripes at a time’.

James took Majid and Ben back into the boardroom. Personally, I was crossing my fingers on Ben being a surprise firing, what with him seizing the task, wrestling it from James and sending it down to hell in a knackered lift.

Whilst the viewer second-guessed whether it’d be multiple loser James who got the chop or snarky little berk, Ben, Sugar had other ideas and gave Majid the boot. Affable, friendly Majid – the lovely fellow with that beardy talking point.

Truly, nice guys come last.

* * * * *

Preview
Episode 1

Episode 2
Last series
.

Just a Thought: Who Will Win The Apprentice?

April 2, 2009

Week 2

Hint: It's definitely NOT this one

Hint: It's definitely NOT this one

We’ve all seen episode two then, and there are already some interesting developments. Let’s take a look at how you lot were thinking last week so we can compare, contrast, ridicule and roll our collective eyes.

Phillip
WWM firebrand’s immediate choice for the win, based on the fact that he disagrees with my assertion that he looks like Spender. Napoleon ignored all explanations as to why Phil was hopeless in week one and sticks with his tip. Mel ‘fears’ Phil will win – whether that’s a solid backing of the miserable sod is to be confirmed. Another supporter of Phillip is fourstar – usually a rational man but here showing that he’s veering over to the side of the weird.

Noorul
Picked by Ugeine who admitted he picked a name out at random. Noorul was picked out by Nick for special criticism in the boardroom when he chillingly mentioned that he ‘made it his business to follow’ him. Scary words from the mole-eyed observer there – making for an ominous outlook for Ugeine’s pick. Nick of the T also picked Noorul for some reasoning based on The Number One Womens’ Detective Agency which I didn’t understand.

Debra
Both Lord Milky and the living liability myopiniononstuff (aka Dave) opted for Debra without really giving any reason for their selection. Debra did nothing this week, or at least was barely filmed, meaning that the Producers have dampened her early fireworks ready for a dry out and combustion later on in the series. ‘Debra’s a cow’ Clarry added, helpfully.

Kate
Sue De Nymh‘s suggestion was that Kate ‘the bellini’ Walsh has the golden ticket, even though all we’ve seen from her so far is wonky-mouthed flirting and idiocy.

Paula
Offensive Mango went for the fiery redhead with the crazy accent, simply ‘because her name is Paula Jones’. I’m not sure that’s how it works.

Yasmina
Your host Swines is going for voluptuous elf, Yasmina – because she’s mad bossy, snappy and has a sense of humour. Badger, Claire last year – it’s clearly time one of these strong-women types won.

Out!

Rocky
Oh dear! Who backed Rocky – and must now be regretting it. Do we give her another chance? Is Who allowed to pick another contender or is she out of the game, going home in a black cab, getting her hair done for the Adrian Chiles show?

Doesn’t count!

Amusing as it may be, suggesting the management is neither big nor clever. Who was it that played silly buggers and said Alan, Nick or Margaret should win?

Breeks – that’s who. And even worse, Telemachus went for the bloke in the shopping centre who berated Howard in week one – an individual who will clearly be long-forgotten by about week four. Like Rocky and Anita will be forgotten. Business is business.

CHOOSE SOMEONE PROPER.

Who’s not been picked yet? And why?

  • Ben
  • Howard
  • James
  • Kimberly
  • Lorraine
  • Majid
  • Mona

Your thoughts please…

The Apprentice 2009 – Episode 2

April 2, 2009

yasmina apprentice 2009

Both boys (EMPIRE!) and girls (IGNITE!) were worryingly self-assured going into last night’s challenge.

‘We’ve got a strong bond’, said Phillip – a notion he set out to thoroughly disprove, almost immediately, his input last night just a monotonous cascade of complaints.

‘We’ll come out fighting’ said the New York City rough, tough, sugar puff, Kimberly – at this point unaware that all the fight and spunk would be coming from Yasmina – a one-woman whirlwind of aggressive determination and violent optimism.

After the opening scenes – if yer bottle it, don’t even bovver in the bladdy boardroom – Sugar did the traditional ‘surprise ’em at home’ routine, looking like a frail bailiff surprising a telesales team on a company-paid jolly. Giving it ‘all that’, he told them about this week’s sandwich and canapé-making task, breaking out the first (and hopefully last) credit-crunch related blooper of this series when he punned that people in the City are hungry for business. Which they’re patently not, at present. They’re too busy talking guiltily to corporate recovery businesses and insolvency agencies. Working up even the slightest appetite for new business is currently beyond them.

The plan was for two separate operations – a lunch delivery whilst their market worked and, later, an evening of catering to the sandwich and snack-needs of a load of suits. Masterchef then – but with the added excitement of it being quite unlikely  that any of this lot could cook.

As it turned out, both Rocky and Yasmina had experience of catering and put themselves up for leadership immediately. But then, I suppose you’d have to. If the task was ‘taking incoherent notes whilst watching The Apprentice’, I’d probably be well up for being Team Leader. I’ve got extensive experience of biros, I’m well-versed in the best kind of notebooks available on the market and I’ve had previous exposure to television sets, so really it’d be perfect for me. And if it doesn’t work out, give me another chance and I’ll prove to you I can do it, Sir Alan.

Looking at the girls first, Yasmina started her campaign with her arms around her charges – going for the tactile, approachable boss line. This dissolved immediately when someone dared to ask permission to speak, and from that point on she was a demanding titan of dictatorship – barking her charges into making the crappest corporate bites you could possibly imagine. Until you saw the boys’ efforts.

Yasmina took a very economical approach to ingredients, obsessing over the cheap nature of flatbreads and brainstorming the best way to buy the least expensive ingredients – from frozen chicken breasts to ‘really budget, low value tuna’. Yum yum!

Kate’s pitch for a contract was a marvel. Never before has a woman with so little knowledge of mediterranean nibbles tried to sell mediterranean nibbles.

‘I’ve heard of Bellinis…’

‘I’m not the chef, you know?’

‘Cold bruschetta – always a… favourite?’

Still – they got the job on the basis that money would be subtracted when they inevitably fluffed it. And when they dished up chicken-less chicken wraps, hairy salads and plates stuffed only with delicious lettuce, it was sure they’d get their wages docked. One bellini was described as ‘a greasy ice cream cone’. Even the girls’ own Paula described their output as like the catering for ‘a funeral at a working mens’ club’. Yasmina’s style – the efficient creation of utter rubbish – seemed to shock Margaret into submission and she spent most of the task with her head in her hands or taking backchat from the boss-girl.

But, unbelievably, the boys were worse. Phillip’s hopeless negotiations – dropping from a ridiculous £60 per head to £15 after Howard ballsed up his research – made him look idiotic from square one and, pride wounded, he decided the best course of action was to moan like a condemned man who could only escape his fate if he moaned his moaning way out of it through the medium of moaning.

As Team Leader, Rocky decided the best approach to a catering task was to play dress up, showing his tender age. The rest of the task had the boys dressed as boxers, sprinters and in togas which only added to the embarrassment of the appalling ‘pan-continental’ food they served. Dry peanut butter sandwiches for the Americas,  a cheese ploughmans on a stick and a chicken tikka volauvent.

‘That is a poisonous thing that should never have been made’ came the feedback of one astute consumer. The 2012 Olympic theme was a bit of a mistake then.

Rocky’s major error was in guess-timating how many sarnies he’d have to knock up, pulling a figure from the blue-sky and ruining his company’s finances in the process. The costumes, terrible menu and inter-team bickering didn’t help, and obviously the boys lost.

Into the boardroom, and the girls were sent off to play with horses upon hearing of their win and they morphed into 12 year old girls in front of our eyes, all giddy and squealing and pegging it to the paddock.

In the cafe, Rocky set out his stall, charmingly calling Howard a ‘dickhead’. He took the former dancer and James – the one who looks like former Big Brother contestant Eugene – into the firing line with him. James’ line about how the choice had hurt him as much as the feeling he got when his cat died will forever stay with me as a wonderful execution of language in describing the bitter grief of betrayal. Tangible hurt. Very much a real sense of loss.

After a largely scripted Sugar breakdown of events, James took it upon himself to break down. His constant interruption and doddering non-speak can’t have done him any favours, and when considered in addition to the bunkum in his CV – ‘I can taste success in my spit when I wake up in the morning’ – he was begging to be booted. But he wasn’t. It was a shocker, but Rocky was ejected – and weirdly it seemed fair.

Though it looks like she’s got it wrapped up, Yasmina’s storming start can only be a hindrance later. She’s so far ahead at this point that any wobble will be considered collapse in the mid or latter stages. But the simple sight of her wobbling will be worth it, right guys?

Guys?

Oh.

* * * * *

Episode 1

Last series.

Just a Thought: Who Will Win The Apprentice?

March 26, 2009
Clue: It wont be her

CLUE: IT WON'T BE HER

This is your chance to pick the winner of The Apprentice 2009. If you comment here with an accurate choice, come the end times your brilliant foresight will be recorded on the indelible pages of this website for posterity.

You’ll be able to brag to your friends that you’re as good as, if not better than Alan Sugar when it comes to recruitment!

It doesn’t get much more exciting than that.

So – who is most likely to get kicked out because they’re distracted by the fact they have a partner and kids?

Who will be the villain of the piece? (My money’s on Debra).

Who will put on an animal costume?

Where will the friction come from?

Who will WIN the damn thing?

And if you’re still thrown by the sheer number of them, here they are again.