Posts Tagged ‘Matthew Wright’

The Wright Stuff (again)

September 12, 2007

Wright 

Did you happen to catch The Wright Stuff medical phone-in last Tuesday morning? If not, you missed the most revolting 15 minutes of television I’ve witnessed in a long time.

First to phone in was a man whose penis had gone all bent out of shape thanks to his bad diet (for examples of a bad diet see Piqued). This wasn’t all that bad, considering what came next.

Because next up was a man who, when he sat at his computer and farted, had an oil he described as being ‘like that liquid on the top of a curry’ leak out of his arse and contaminate his chair. He didn’t describe whether he was cursed with this mysterious arse-oil when he farted on other seats, so I was led to believe it only happened when he farted at his computer. The doctor suggested it might be pancreatic cancer – an illness I had no idea made you fart oil whilst looking at the internet.

Next was a man who’d picked up arse-worms whilst trekking around India. The doctor suggested he look at his arse in the mirror but, arse-worms being the shy little devils they are, he’d have to catch them off guard. The plan was to lull them into a false sense of security by turning off the lights, then catch them in the act of wriggling out of the guy’s anus by shining a torch at them as he crouched in the dark straddling a mirror looking at his own arsehole.

Finally there was the guy who, when attempting a fart, ended up belching instead. Of course, this being the most disgusting phone-in show ever devised by man, the belch stank of farts. He wasn’t best pleased. Who would be? Farting out of their mouth like that? Imagine if you did it at a dinner party? Or in Smith’s?

For years, my grandfather has been thundering at me that television has gone down the pan. For three decades I’ve dismissed his cries and wails as the moans of a hoary old misery guts stuck in a time-warp of Morecambe & Wise Christmas Specials and Dad’s Army. After seeing this … this … whatever it was, I am now in complete agreement with him.

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The Wright Stuff

July 6, 2007

 Wright Stuff

If you’re a dole-scrounger, old, mad, or one of those fools who work from home, you need to keep yourself entertained during the day before the real human beings get home from a hard day’s work. May I recommend you start your pointless day with The Wright Stuff – Channel 5’s flagship 9 O’clock current affairs show for morons, drug-addicts, cunts and kiddie-diddlers hosted by jug-eared, Croydon-obsessed, big-nosed, flappy-mouthed, pig-eyed FREAK Matthew ‘CroydonCroydonCroydonCroydonI’mFromCroydon’ Wright?

For those of you who aren’t untermenschen and therefore haven’t seen it the show’s format, it goes a little like this:

(OPENING CREDITS – CUE MATTHEW WRIGHT LOOKING SMUG)

9:00 Hello! Welcome to today’s Wright Stuff with me – Croydon’s own Matthew Wright!

9:05 Here’s the dreadful, wide-mouthed, arrogant fishwife Lowri Turner … and here’s spiteful, boorish, pointless Fame Academy ‘Headmaster’ Richard A-Blahblahblah. And today’s special guest is … big-titted, completely insane, ex-sexy not-that-sexy-then definitely-not-sexy-now McFadden’s-had-his-way-with-her-and-she’s-full-of-Iceland-pasties … Kerry EricCantona!

9:10
Lowri? What’s in the papers?

9:11 Spittle spittle I’m a woman motherhood spit spittle goff spittle motherhood woman no no no spittle

9:14 Richard?

9:15 It’s a disgrace!

9:!! Kerry?

9:%% Brassy breezy northern northern … B-B-B-B-BRRRIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAN! WHHHHHHHHYY?

9:£6 (7)
Did I happen to mention I’m from Croydon? Coming up after the break I talk to ‘Dr’ Gillian Makeeeef about shitting …

(ADVERTISEMENT BREAK)

!0:00 HI! Croydon! So, Gillian, what are we talking about today?

10:0K Well Matthew, today we’re talking about the ‘S’ word …

10:89 Croydon?

10:88 Huh?

10:87 Croydon?

10:86 Shitting vaginas are funny old things Matthew …
BLAST OFF!! They certainly are Gillian, snarf snarf … let’s go to the phones. Corin, who’s there?

10:24 This is Mary from Brighton (calls cost 10p, mobiles may vary, all calls will be charged but most won’t be answered)

10:25: Mary? You’re on

10:”7: Mumble mumble mumble pointless public opinion etc

10.30: Thanks Mary! That’s all we’ve got time … so tomorrow … MP BORIS JOHNSON!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUD WILDLY – CUE CRAPPY CLOSING TITLES)

It’s a great show.