Posts Tagged ‘Music Video’

The Ting Tings – Great DJ

March 18, 2008

If the video doesn’t work for you either click anywhere in the window (which John Wagonwheel’s too thick to work out for himself) or click here.  

Researching what’s happening in the charts for Watch With Mother’s Music Week is truly fucking depressing.

First we had Vampire Weekend who I thought were rubbish, but then The Metros (who are about one hundred times worse) come along and spoiled my day. And then The fucking Ting Tings, just to put the icing on the cake, go and infested my ears with this piece of shit. Honestly, this rot just about takes the biscuit.

I freely admit I’m getting old but I’ve still got an ear for good music, you bastards, and this shit just won’t cut it. It’s so dire I can’t even be anused to go into WHY it’s dire. But I must. I MUST fight through the pain.

Here’s why it’s rubbish:

  • The ‘knocked up in two minutes on garageband’ shit synth / beats.
  • The couple of spare pricks in the video who I assume made this monstrosity – who, by the way – look far too old to be involved in such a caper.
  • The fact that I’ve seen this rubbish raved about in broadsheet newspapers by writers who should clearly be sacked.
  • The ‘knocked up in two minutes on iMovie’ shit video.
  • The ‘knocked up in one minute’ lyrics.
  • Everything about it. Absolutely everything about it.

I’m off to find more modern pop music to slag off.

En guard!

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One Minute Review – The Metros: Education Part 2

March 18, 2008

The link doesn’t work for some reason, but just click here for the video… 

Happened upon these young upstarts whilst watching Lily Allen’s godawful offering a few weeks ago and somehow – unbelievably – they managed to make the preceding cavalcade of utter crap look vaguely alright in comparison. I also got cable installed recently and they make MTV Two unwatchable, what with the above video being on heavy rotation there. Not that it’s watchable anyway since it’s been taken over by the bland-spatter that is Zane ‘Completely Zane’ Lowe.

The generic, inevitable Libertines-theft makes way for perhaps the most unpleasant new voice in modern pop music. Look at the singer. Listen to his affected voice. Be revolted. But whatever you do, don’t even attempt to take the lyrics seriously. They are the most appalling excuse for song-words I think I’ve heard so far this year – even beating that shithouse ‘Rockstar’ by Nickelback. I don’t care that he’s a teenager (he’s probably 25 anyway and lying to shift units). These are shit, shit, shit lyrics and he deserves to be hanged, drawn and kicked to bloody pieces for this atrocity.

Let’s take a look at them words…

Education’s overrated, and I’m the monster that it created.
And doing homework’s anti-social, but I’m an A-star pupil
GCSE in Music, I don’t know how the fuck I’m gonna use it,
The time is of the essence, but the pills are a depressant
And I think I’ve learnt my lesson but I’m only adolescent

(WOAH) x2
Do it again.
(WOAH) x2

And all the wasted time I’ve spent, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence!
And to me, it makes no sense.
You get the grades, and then you pay the rent! x2

(WOAH) x2
Do it again.
(WOAH) x2

I had a mate called Paul, he was never too cool.
Got himself chucked out of too, too many schools.
Didn’t know what to do to, so he went and robbed a bank, with a sawn-off shotgun and his two-bit mate called Frank.

AHA!

Got on a plane, down in heathrow, got nicked in the waiting room and got ten years, and a fucking asbo!

(WOAH) x2
Do it again.
(WOAH) x2

Brilliant, isn’t it? He says the word ‘fuck’ two whole times and mentions asbos! And his face is a complete mess of boggly eyes and punchable teeth! I hope he fucks off with his gang of teenage shitbags and never darkens my TV screen again. Like I said – worse than Nickelback. And that’s saying something.

Scouting For Girls – Elvis Ain’t Dead

January 22, 2008

The video starts with an 8-year-old boy getting out of bed; suddenly he’s playing the keyboards!! Actually, for someone of his age he’s jolly good (if he’s not miming to his dad doing it!) I bet he’ll be going to stage school when he’s older, even if he is miming!!! Ahahahahaj (really, he’s a good mime, but he may actually be doing it!!! Ar har).

There are parts when the boy is singing and frowning and being all-serious and between you and me, like he’s playing with his willie very fast, but he’s not, he’s just playing the keyboards! Phew, I bet his mum was pleased, I should imagine she’d be jolly cross if he was doing that sort of thing. Not that there would be any mess, I don’t think he’s old enough. Lets not think about that as it’s disgusting and people like that should be killed.

Anyway, we see the boy out and about on his own – this was nerve-racking for me because I’m not sure if he knows about the Green Cross Code yet – and this is where things get a bit dark. He’s still frowning and looks a little confused. This made me sad 😦

I hope he gives Childline a telephone-call. Poor boy. What if his mum hasn’t given him change for the phone box? Arrrgghhhh, danger.

I didn’t like this video because it made me feel sad and I was worried the boy might be sad as well 😦 The music of this boy isn’t very good either and it isn’t realistic. Also, I couldn’t understand what the boy was trying to do??? But he’s still very good at playing the keyboards for a boy (or miming ahahahahahahashi;)

Btw, Elvis is dead so this boy is a porky-pie liar as well. My mum H8’s lyers (liars)

BYE

Music Video: The Girl Is Mine

January 14, 2008

When off one’s trolley it’s always tempting (for me anyway) to rifle about in Youtube for some old classics to haphazardly jaunt around the front room to. Usually these take the form of complete and utter drivel from the 80s like Eric Carmen’s hideously sublime ‘Hungry Eyes’, or perhaps Men At Work’s mindless plodalong ‘Land Down Under’. Essentially, if it’s shit, it goes on.

Once in a while, you mistakenly click on a fan video – meaning some lonely internet berk has spent time and effort piecing together a visual for a song. This can take the form of them singing into a hairbrush in person in front of a webcam, but occasionally it’s just a badly constructed series of stills enhanced using low rent special effects.

The above video is one of the most disturbing examples of the latter that I’ve uncovered during one of these drunken trawls through Youtube’s seemingly infinite treasure chest of effluents.

The girl in the video will be well known to anyone who purchased, borrowed or shoplifted a copy of the reputable, high-street sperm-pamphlet Mayfair at any point between 1996 and, I estimate, 1999. Her name is/was Veronika and she was on the front cover of the mag regularly, probably because she provoked fevered onanists to scribble rapturous appraisals of her large hooters after they’d kleenexed their pen-hands,  mailing their love-letters off to the mag in the hope their beloved would appear in the next issue. She was a very attractive jizz-model, it has to be said – in the mould of that overseas tit-carrier in American Pie. A lovely girl. It’s not entirely worrying for a heterosexual male to develop a two-dimensional crush on such a frequently disrobed glamour-bird, so long as the relationship is kept quiet – an unspoken love-triangle betwixt the glossy page, the right hand and the bachelor.

The song, as you probably know, is The Girl Is Mine – a weird collaboration between those two humbled titans of the music industry, Paul McPaul McCartney and Michael ‘Jesus-Juice’ Jackson. Both parties obsessively claim their right to an unnamed lady in an unintentionally amusing vocal scrap. After single-handedly removing usage of the word ‘doggone’ from the English language, they then indulge in a brilliantly rubbish spoken word segment (around the three minute mark).

When the two are juxtaposed as in the video I share with you today, the conglomeration of terrible music and creepy video takes on a life of its own. The girl they’re fighting over becomes Veronika, the familiar starlet of Brit grot mags.

It suddenly feels all sexual and perverse, as though Jackson and Macca are sharing a bedsit and sitting about in their off-white Y fronts, arguing over who gets to ‘date’ Veronika tonight, whilst tugging at either end of a dog-eared copy of Mayfair.

I can’t work out if this was made for a joke – if the man who created it was aware of what he was doing. I suspect and hope that he meant it sincerely, as this means it stands as an unironic testament to the web’s weirdness and Veronika’s unparallelled beauty.