Posts Tagged ‘Naomi Thingy’

The Apprentice, Series 3, The Final

June 14, 2007

All conts 

It was always going to be an anticlimax. Especially seeing as some mug on the Guardian website ruined it by telling every reader what was going to happen despite claiming he hadn’t any inside info. The bastard. Simon and Kristina were pumped. In the opening interviews, Simon said it was his dream to work for Sir Alan. That’s not on a par with some of my best dreams. He must sleep badly. Later, when faced with the task – this week it was all about creating a new London landmark for the South Bank – Simon said it was ‘his dream to build things’. Quite a lot of dreaming going on there. While Simon daydreamed about his chances, stern-faced Kristina Grimes simply repeated ‘I will win. I will win’, like a malfunctioning Speak & Spell.So they had a spot in a grimy area of London upon which they could build (in concept, not with diggers or cement or anything – that would be disastrous) any old shit they fancied. But first they had to pick teams from the pool of people they’d stepped on to get to where they were. Simon chose Tre immediately and we all know by now why he did that. He fancies him. He is Mummy to Tre’s Daddy. Simon also chose Jadine who had had a nice hairdo for the occasion, Lohit, who barely featured at all again and Rory. Tre and Rory, we were reminded, had history. They hated each other, essentially because Tre picked on the hapless, clown-mouthed Rory endlessly. They’re both very boring men.Kristina plumped for Naomi straight away. No idea why, I can’t remember her doing much the whole series. Perhaps my memory is somewhat childishly obscured by the memory of her enormous zeppelin-breasts dangling over the camera lens every five seconds a couple of weeks back. She also picked Adam (must’ve been by mistake) and that cockney single mother, whose name escapes me.

Katie, meanwhile, was noted for her absence. Perhaps she hadn’t sorted things out with her child-minder…

I suspect the architects the two gangs spoke with gave a huge amount of direction to the contestants, as the ideas they finally came up with were completely incongruous with their original ideas. Simon and Tre wandered off on their own, hand in hand, discussing putting a boat frame structure onto the building. The idea was shot down in flames by the rest of the gang, with Rory coming up with a new idea. He drew the outline of three bananas, so they went with that. The final product looked pretty interesting compared with Rory’s felt tip nightmare, but credit to him for beating the coracle idea in a straw poll. I think Tre’s boat theme was ultimately overturned when the rest of the team were sick on themselves when he used the term ‘as such’ three times in three sentences. ‘The reason for the nautical theme, as such’… How can you misuse that suffix so badly? I really don’t know how it’s possible. ‘If it doesn’t work out, I’ll look like a pillock’ said Simon, laughing Butthead style, exactly like a pillock might.

Kristina’s team, with Trainee Surveyor Paul – he of the uncooked sausage, leading the charge, came up with a rectangular building to make optimum use of the space. Dull.They also had the idea of putting an angel on either end of their building, looming above passers by like, as the architect pointed out, a Nazi eagle. This was eventually adapted to be two peaks, the angel changed to a phoenix after the team fortunately realised that the Angel Centre wasn’t an apt name for a centre that wasn’t actually in the Angel, Islington. Paul reminded us that he didn’t have to like Kristina to do a ”fucking jood gob’ for her. The tit.

After letting the architects do all the work for them, it was time to choose the optimum way to present the concept to hoteliers, building contractors and property industry bigwigs. Kristina slipped up here by allowing Adam to play a major part in choosing the theme and the stage decor. As a result, their presentation was a back to basics approach, as all the tacky crap he chose got chucked out almost as far as Adam was out of his depth.

Rory and Tre were paired up to sort the night’s entertainment out, after a speech from Simon which was meant to be invigorating and rousing. it was let down a little by its faltering delivery. He sounded like Basil Fawlty having a panic attack. Realising he was losing his audience, he stuck on a little ‘oh, and I’ll take you all to Barcelona if we win for a weekend’. Incentives… nice, desperate management. Tre piped up later with ‘I’d rather a rusty screwdriver in my eye than go on holiday with Jadine, Rory and Lohit’. Suggestion to Simon: make it happen.

Simon’s presentation went smoothly and he answered questions with aplomb, clearly having done his research. Kristina didn’t perform so well, sadly. Neither really bombed, which was disappointing in terms of ‘good telly’. Never mind.

In the boardroom, Sir A asked both ‘why do you want this job’. This is the biggest non question any potential Manager can ask in an interview. It only ever results in cliche upon babbling cliche. It was a brief boardroom, presumably because nobody fucked up, meaning the situation couldn’t be milked for comedy value. Alan reminded us that he has a bit of a kink for Simon, hired him, and we were done. Case closed. End of series.

Most reality series end with this kind of anticlimax. Though clearly not grounded in the truth, the people involved are generally real people (though I have my doubts about the evil creation that was Katie). As a result, we’re always left with an open ending. With Big Brother the question’s always ‘how will so and so use the fame to their advantage’, and past experience tells us they won’t, they’ll trust a management company that will tie them to Heat magazine forever. With the Apprentice, we want to see the winner succeed after all that hard slog. But we don’t, obviously, as they are just working drones on a superficially high wage for one year only in an office in fucking Brentwood. Still – it’s fun, and we wouldn’t have had the gut-wrenchingly cringeworthy scene of Simon screwing a trampoline leg if we didn’t have the Apprentice. Roll on next series.

The Apprentice – Series 3 – Episode 10

May 31, 2007

Alan

Naomi – she had her knockers, but I thought she had a strong chance to be in the final three. Speaking of her norks, the producers, clearly aware that the blonde would be leaving the Fray, milked every cleavage shot they possibly could. This was the Naomi bosom show, and it was relentless. I felt sorry for her when she finally faced Sugar’s extended finger, in truth, as Simon had clearly ballsed up royally on so many accounts that I actually lost count and ran out of space as I took notes.

Yes – I take notes. I’m not anal, I do this for you.

Two teams of three were in it to win it. Naomi, Simon and Tre were in one team, doomed to fail and the other was made up of Katrina, Katie and Lohit. The latter is quite likely to win the whole thing, I think, unless Sir Alan is as homophobic as he is sexist.

Briefed at the BT Tower, that awful 60s-eyesore phallus, Alan told the gangs that this project was all about pricing and products. They were to sell items they’d selected on a shopping channel – the potential for disaster was lip-smackingly immense.

The shopping channel was based in glamorous Peterborough – pride of Cambridgeshire. Katie was quiet this episode, slinking into the background aside from one snipe at Kristina and some burbled bollocks about their target customer who she named ‘Mavis’. What is it with Katie’s need to personify everything? Remember ‘Jay’, the target market for the Jams? She’s the sort of twat who names her car ‘Lucy’ or something equally as pathetic. Alongside Katie’s nonsense, their seemed to be an inordinate amount of Simon acting like a walking, mechanised CV. ‘I’m a risk taker’. ‘I go out on a limb’. ‘I talk about myself endlessly even though I have the brain of an average 12 year old’. (I made that last one up, obviously). Tre was a silent man this time round, only popping his head in to be miserable occasionally, ending his sentences with those now dreaded words, ‘as such’. I get the feeling he’s had his brain replaced with n Amstrad email phone to impress Alan and his cronies.

When it came to selling, Kristina went solo, trying to sell a chocolate fountain (a talking point at any dinner party, so long as you live in the 70s) which looked like it was chugging out liquid plops. She then moved onto a ‘steam broom’. What you’d need one of those for, the good lord only knows. Kristina confirmed this, calling out ‘Jesus Christ!’ as her attachment fell apart, causing quite a flurry of stressed activity in the production room. In contrast, Katie and Lohit were natural – in fact, I think we’ve seen their future.

Tre and Naomi, taking instruction from a mute Simon, tried to sell the wheelchair he had procured which turned out to be their main source of profit. The wheelchair idea was roundly mocked, but it turned out to be Simon’s saviour, even despite Alan’s obvious contempt for the item. Tre was hilarious when caught on camera, looking simultaneously embarassed and terrified, walking off set at one point in sheer panic. Naomi managed well, on the basis of her presenting performance she shouldn’t have gone, but then you have to remember she chose a lorry-load of shit for Simon to sell, so it’s probably the fair choice.

Simon’s turn on camera was perhaps the funniest thing I’ve seen on reality TV since Tourette’s Pete fell in a swimming pool. Constructing a trampoline onscreen, he managed to screw the legs on the thing in such a way that it looked like he was indulging in a little do-it-yourself. I mean wanking. The crew fell apart laughing as he remained oblivious, turning his plastic phallus very calmly and announcing that anyone can have fun on it, kids, old people – anyone can jump on. Worth a good belly-laugh I thought, very Carry On…

Alan watched the whole lot on a monitor back in London and we were subject to his criticisms as he watched. This was a great idea, as it was essentially like watching yourself watching the Apprentice, but a version of yourself with curly white hair and messy beard. And an East London accent with peppered yiddish slang.

So, in the boardroom, Naomi copped the boot. I have to admit I agreed with Sugar’s summation. but felt Tre needed a much bigger kicking. The bloke skulked around in the background contributing nothing. At least Simon and Naomi applied themselves, Tre did naught but act like a petulant little sod who was having the worst birthday ever. Simon’s a lucky boy, but Sugar’s clearly taken a shine to the jammy little swine. Two weeks left… I shall be sad when it finally fucks off.