Posts Tagged ‘news’

Just a Thought: Waking Up With Feltz

April 7, 2009

vanessa feltz BBC Breakfast

Those of you who live in London and are able to watch television at around 8.27am may be aware of a phenomenon that destroys my sunny disposition, without fail, every weekday morning.

Vanessa Feltz may get good ratings from the demented Daily Mail readers who tune in to her Radio London broadcast, but do the BBC really have to advertise that it’s coming on during the local news portion of BBC Breakfast?

The disturbed termagant DESTROYS my day!

I’ll be sitting there, wolfing down my marmitey toast as Riz Lateef rattles off the day’s events, supping a caffeinated beverage whilst Dani Sinha grins her way through yesterday’s occurences when, as if to deliberately startle me, the vision of Feltz’s neurotic moon-face suddenly pops onto the screen like a vision from Hades.

Like an awful premonition of doom.

Like a reminder of the very real possibility that, upon leaving my dwelling, I could be faced with any number of horrific personalities only yards from my door.

BBC: I command you! Stop soiling the cosy friendliness of your morning output with the hideous, warbling caw of this shrewish BASTARD!

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Weekend Watching – 02.04.09

April 3, 2009

It’s Friday again and the Friday Question has uncovered some shocking facts about a few among our number…

The next bit of business to deal with is your weekend menu of televisual delight.

Watching anything we should know about? Any hidden gems in the schedules? Any staples we need to catch up on?

Maybe you’re off to the picture house or you’ve rented a movie? Or perhaps you’re an internet pirate and you’ve nicked films off the web cherry tree?

Let us know what you’ll be viewing over the next couple of days.

For my part I’ll be watching the usual – Easties, Newsnight Review, Genius, Harry Hill, MOTD, Come Dine… and I’ll also be feasting my eyes on:

Grand National – if I can be bothered to get to Ladbrokes.
The Wire – as part of my rewatching marathon.
My Little Eye – acclaimed, little known horror on ITV I’ve not yet seen.
Taking of Pelham 1,2,3 – the original, obviously. The remake looks poop.

Over to you…

Just A Thought: TV Coverage of G20 Protest

April 1, 2009

By Mel, who doesn’t have a log-in…

I’m a bit angry about the television coverage of the protestors in the lead up to this week’s G20 Summit in that London.

The coverage, apart from a very few notable exceptions – Newsnight’s piece on the meeting between the Climate Camp and the Metropolitan Police last night being one – leads us to believe that anyone who chooses to protest today will be a terrorist and will be treated as such by the Met.

The coverage, which I suspect is largely police-led content, screams at us about how there’ll be trouble, how there are police officers being drafted in from across the country and how they’ve been all dressed in their riot gear since sometime last week in preparation for the trouble that’s bound to happen. Then couple this with the usual yoghurt-knitters who want to fill the Bank of England with “resonant Himalayan chanting” and other such nonsense and it makes those who wish to exercise their democratic right to demonstrate their displeasure with the World’s leaders (well, some of them anyway) as violent idiots hell bent on wrecking things and causing trouble, just because they can.

Whatever our opinion of the French, they have a history of protest, as has been demonstrated recently. The police there don’t gear up for trouble and as a result there is none. By and large the recent strikes there have been civilized, peaceful, adult affairs. There were no hysterical and veiled threats in the press and the public were treated as exercising their rights within the law.

Why do the press, media and the police in the UK brand everyone that wishes to have their say as terrorists and rabble rousers? Do they have so little faith in the public that they fear violence and vandalism every step of the march route? Or is this simply a case of the police, through the media coverage, saying “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough”?

NewsGush: More McIntyre

February 16, 2009

michael mcintyre

Do you like Michael McIntyre? Do you chortle at the way he guffaws at his own jokes whilst speaking? Does his preppy, floppy barnet give you cause for belly-laughs? Do you like his plummy speech patterns and they way he stutters and repeats himself for comedy effect? Do you like his suits? Do you rate his 80s era observational comedy?

If not, you’re in for a nightmare. Edna Welthorpe let us know in the comments a few months ago that McIntyre was on the BBC’s ‘one-to-push’ list, and they’re being proved right. He’s been on every panel show going so far in this young year, was on Jonathan Ross on Friday and now it appears his new series is about to subtly be dropped on us like a dirty bomb…

What do you make of this McIntyre character then?

At least he’s not James Corden.

The Friday Question: Where were you when…?

December 5, 2008

After JFK was perforated by a disputed number of shooters back in the 60s, the popular question of the day was:

Do you remember where you were when you heard?

In the last 10 or 15 years we’ve had a few news events which have been worthy of the same question, in that you’ll probably never forget where you were when you were told, or when you first caught it on the news – be it televised, on the radio or online.

Throughout the day, this post will be updated with a fresh news event every couple of hours. Check what the event is then cast your mind back to where you were when you heard about it the first time.

Maybe you were playing a lament on the mandolin? Perhaps you were eating an iced lolly and reading some Proust? Or, more likely, perhaps you were playing with your nub on a soiled mattress until all goo came out of the buttonhole.

We’ll kick off with:

Where were you when you first heard that Princess Diana had died in that tunnel in France, then? Eh?

10.30 update:

Where were you when you heard about the London bombings on 7/7?

NewsGush – R.I.P. Reg Varney

November 17, 2008

reg varney

I hated you, Butler.

Poor old Reg has sadly passed on to the great double decker in the sky. The world has lost a fantastic comedic talent and the first man to use a cash machine in the British Isles, according to someone on here.

*salutes*

BBC Breakfast

October 16, 2008

BBC Breakfast is brilliant. I’ve tried Today on Radio 4 but the upper-middle class presenters (who all speak reeeeeeally sloooooowly) tend to make my early morning coma even worse than it already is.

I’ve no idea what’s on Channel 4 any more, since RI:SE was axed and the lovely Zora Suleman removed from our screens. The days of the Big Breakfast are long gone. GMTV is all soft-furnishings, cheesy grins and Ben Sheppard, so clearly it’s BBC1 all the way.

The set up is a big screen, a sofa, suits and presenters. Quite a sparse scene, so the presenters have to do all the work. Rather than come on like your childless Uncle and Auntie as they do over on GMTV, the BBC presenters look as knackered as you are. This results in them frequently fluffing their lines and wearing expressions that say ‘what the giddy fuckfuck am I doing out of bed at this ungodly hour?’.

Here’s a look at the ones I see in my window of viewing before I’m herded onto the cattle truck, with breakfast still dripping down my chin.

Sian Williams

Sian’s the most straightforward of the bunch. She’s a no bullshit presenter from the old school. Slick, professional and focused, she’s the adhesive that keeps this shambles running, and may God bless her for that.

Bill Turnbull

Bill’s apparently an amateur beekeeper, chicken-lover and fan of Wycombe Wanderers. This trio of outside interests clearly play on his mind when he’s called upon to make a link, as he becomes so bewildered by his autocue that he often umms and aahs over his actions like a confused old man. The inevitable shouting from production ringing in his ears is clearly too much for him to take and his face relaxes into a dazed sleepiness. He looks like he should be sitting in his pyjamas reading the headlines from a tabloid – like a Dad trying to wake up slowly as his wife witters on about shoes.

Declan Curry

Somehow Declan manages to look even more shattered than Billy Turnbull. His wry humour makes the economy seem fleetingly comprehensible, but then as soon as he’s gone, like a mirage, your understanding dissolves and you’re back to blaming the credit crunch on some American mortgage or something like that.

Chris Hollins

Chris is either on very strong uppers or is a child dressed up as a man. He should be intensely irritating, with his perpetually chipper attitude to sport and his sharp and cutting mockery of our hero Bill, but for some reason he gets away with it. He’s like the short kid at school who didn’t get bullied because he was a half-decent striker. You want to dislike him but you just can’t.

Susanna Reid

Last on our whistlestop tour of morning mutterers is the lovely Susanna Reid. Susanne stood in for Sian when she was on holiday. She’s like Sian but more distant. Her valium-eyes droop low and her slow, suttering speech patterns make you feel like your sitting with a Vicodin-drenched housewife somewhere in suburban Surrey with a hot water bottle. It’s a strange way to start the day when Susanna’s at the helm.

I’ve missed off the other business bloke who always strikes me as stern and sarcastic. I’ve also omitted the spaced out weathergirl who always stands, inexplicably, in the Blue Peter garden. Even when it’s pissing it down with rain. And I’ve missed off some others. Apologies to those not on the list. I’m sure you’ll consider packing it all in when you realise you’ve been left out.

God bless BBC Breakfast, God and the Queen.

NewsGush – Marsh vs Price

August 28, 2008

According to some guff on the GMTV website, Jodie Marsh – glamour model and ‘TV Personality’ – suffered bullying at school because of her nose.

Jodie Marsh revealed on GMTV this morning she was cruelly called ‘plastic face’ at school after having a nose-job.

Talking on the breakfast TV show about the increase in teenagers having plastic surgery as a result of bullying, the glamour model admitted that after she underwent cosmetic surgery at the age of 15 – she was bullied at school even more.

“I did have a nose job because of the bullying – because they made me feel so embarrassed and ashamed and ugly and hideous about it” said Jodie.

“I don’t think surgery is an answer to bullying, certainly not. Because my bullying then got worse after I had my nose done because then they started calling me ‘plastic face’, or ‘don’t stand in the sun – you’ll melt.’But I felt better, I felt absolutely amazing afterwards.”

What she doesn’t say is that she originally fucked up that very nose by playing Hockey at Brentford School, where she was privately educated.

Anyhoo, she claims to have had plastic surgery on said hooter at 15 after being bullied about and it was following the surgery that the bullying got worse. She was called ‘plastic nose’, heaven forefend! Sounds like her tormenters were as imaginative as the tormented.

In fairness to Marsh she’s always moaned about being bullied, Celebrity Big Brother viewers were privy to a disgraceful and completely unwarranted attack on her by cunts Barrymore and Burns precisely because she was ‘Jodie Marsh’ and the result is the nightmare we witness shoving its bum into the photographer’s lens every time someone releases so much as an eggy guff.

Anyone can see that under that nose and make-up and wotnot is a deeply insecure person who feels the need to put it about a bit in order to be adored. In addition to the growing collection of dreadful tattoos, she’s had her tits done now – something she vowed never to do – and just about any other bit of cosmetic reconstruction on the menu. Why? Because she’s insecure and fame hungry in a way that takes precedence over money.

She can offer the world nothing, yet like Jordan (who seems to have succeeded in achieving vast sums of wealth by manipulating the press and public alike) desperately keeps trying to force herself into the public eye by wearing as little as possible.

Unlike Jordan, though, she’s despised way out of context for what she’s actually done. She’s not invaded Poland has she? Or, more pertinently, she’s not leaked a sex video. She doesn’t wave her clout about in public, she doesn’t pretend to write fucking books about Donkeys, she chooses instead to dress like a trollop and involve herself at the lowest possible echelon of tabloid TV. In this respect she shares that gem-paste tiara with Jordan, except Marsh only exploits herself. She leaves her family, disabled children et al out of it.

In a way we can see Jodie as a feminist, unlike Jordan who seems to have become a fucking role model for little girls -and in my opinion poses much more of a danger to the psyche of the younger generation of females by muddling up sex, pink ponies and wealth. Men and women seem to despise Marsh without prejudice and while the likes of Callum Best stalk the paparazzi, I’m not entirely sure why.