NewsGush: Mighty Morphin’ Ramsay Ranger

Old news, in fact, but it was interesting to see that there’s some doubt over whether Gordon Ramsay ever played first team football for Rangers. Surely they could have checked a programme, couldn’t they?

How has it taken all this time to uncover his pointless bullshitting?

Ramsay, 42, has said on a number of occasions that he was a member of the first team squad at the Ibrox club playing three games, before injury cut short his career.

But his claims have been dismissed as “complete and utter nonsense” by Rangers historian Robert McElroy.

Ramsay, born in Johnstone, Renfrewshire, first spoke about his football past when opening his first restaurant, Aubergine, in London.

Speaking on the radio show in 2002, he explained how his career was cut short, when Rangers manager Jock Wallace and first team coach Archie Knox released him after he tore his ligament.

However at the time, Knox, 61, was the manager of Dundee.

Knox told the News of the World: “The first time I ever saw Gordon Ramsay was in 1996 when he launched his first book. But he didn’t know me from Adam because we’ve never met.”

So is he really the hard-talking, enormously-testicled, rough Scotch diamond he makes himself out to be, or is he a posh toff playing at being the real deal?

Whatever he is, he’s a prune-faced, highlight-hair lump. And he swears like a public school drip.

NewsGush: Ramsay’s Cookalong Dead

Poor old Gordon Ramsay’s PR people. And a twinge of sympathy, if you will, for old scrotum-face.

First his indiscretions are made public by the gutter press and then his ratings come in quite some way below expectations. It’s not often that Gordon gets two doses of bad publicity in a week, and it feels like the world’s started turning in another direction all of a sudden.

Are people sick of his barking, bullying, self-righteous schtick? Have his vainglorious, tedious televisual displays of self-love finally rubbed his public up the wrong way?

Have the people, after all this time, finally realised he’s a complete and utter arsehole?

Not sure if you’ve seen Cookalong Live, but it’s a fine example of a presenter being prised into a format they really, really can’t handle. For a reference point, think Davina on her eponymous chatshow as she made millions change channels, as they realised there was less to her than they’d originally thought.

Ramsay is forced to be nice to people whilst working within a very limited timeframe and he can’t handle it. I watched the first episodes and found myself feigning a posh, Glasgow-inflected accent, shouting ‘Ey! Big boys! Where’re your balls?!’ as he fluffed link after link and hopped up and down on the spot in pure panic so much that my household now bursts out laughing every time we see him. ‘Hippity Hop’ we call him. Cookalong is a hop off more than it’s a cooking show.

From 11.3% of the viewership to 6.3% is quite a shocking drop over the course of three weeks, but if  you’re hoping we’ve seen the back of him, you’ll be disappointed as he, Oliver and Fearnley-Whittingstall return to our screens again sooner than you may have expected with another series of patronising lectures and book advertisements in the coming months.

Hooray! Yes?

Yes?

Yes?

NewsGush: Icke and Tina Edmonds

Not content with one former TV presenter howling at the moon, the planets seem to have called upon Noel Edmonds to go all David Icke on us.

Have this for starters. Notice the quote marks – I’m not making this shit up..

Orbs are little bundles of positive energy and they think they can move between 500 and 1,000 miles per hour. They look like little round planets but they come in all shapes and sizes. Conventional photography can’t pick them up but digital cameras can.

They think?

Orbs?

“What are these orbs?” you may ask. What are ‘they’ that think?

When Edmonds was pressed, more Bedlam waffle dribbled from his fucking beard.

My belief is that these are something to do with some form of positive energy and, possibly because I miss my parents like mad, I like to think they are them. I’ve got loads of photographs of me at home with two orbs that visit me.

Edmonds, brain age of 96, is a follower of the New Age theory of Cosmic Ordering which involves writing a wishlist and asking the planets to carry it out. So that’s cleared that up then.

In case it’s not, he continues:

The two that I have are about the size of melons. One sits on my arm and the other is usually in the back of the shot, sitting just over my right shoulder.

Personally I think the bit about them being the size of melons sums it up. Edmonds has has been maddened by constant exposure to his 37 year old girlfriend’s tits following the divorce with his over-the-hill wife a couple of years ago, probably.

Undeterred, the man behind Mr. Blobby – possibly the most disgusting character created since ‘The Wandering Jew’- and snuff movie mogul insists that he can cosmically order stuff for others.

He barks on:

I’ve got a few nice little orders in at the moment. I’ve got one in for a friend who would like to meet the man of her dreams. And another for a couple who had some difficult financial issues recently. I’m confident they will come true.

I’m confident you should order yourself an ambulance, Mr Edmonds. You pointless fuckarse.

NewsGush – Too Many Cooks

Great news for morons from Channel 4, home of morons. As part of the Autumn schedule we’ll have even more cookery on the box as Gordon Ramsay swears very impressively (and live, dangerously enough) whilst Oliver will try and fail to change the world. Again.

Jamie Oliver travels to Rotherham to launch his latest campaign and face some of his fiercest critics in four-part documentary, Jamie’s Ministry of Food. The Channel 4 chef wants to recruit the locals to his drive to encourage home cooking at the expense of unhealthy ready meals and has taken the wartime ministry as his inspiration.

Gordon Ramsay will also be back aiming to extend the nation’s culinary repertoire, this time with a full seven-part series of Live Cookalong. 

So, if you love watching arseholes cook stuff while you eat cereal, you’ll be well catered for.