Posts Tagged ‘Trisha Goddard’

How To Make A Trisha Show

May 2, 2007

Trisha Goddard 

Take one uneducated primate with concerns that his idiot girlfriend is cheating on him and put him on television. Ask him questions he doesn’t understand whilst laughing at him. Bring on his aforementioned idiot girlfriend and laugh and laugh when you discover that:

  1. The couple have been going out for a month.
  2. She’s 17 and has already had two children – or ‘babbies’ as she calls ’em.
  3. He sends photos of his cock to his heroin addict ex-girlfriend.
  4. He slaps her about and she puts fags out on his arms when he’s monged out on dope.

Next, bring on the idiot girlfriend’s mother. She’ll be utterly appalling and come running at the boyfriend hell-for-leather, shouting and screaming like a banshee. Sit her down and get an audience member to tell her to shut up. Ask her a series of questions she doesn’t understand either, making sure you find out:

  1. She’s as bad as, if not worse than the other two.
  2. She’s had eight children by eight different fathers – all born before she hit her twenty-first birthday.
  3. She has a husband/boyfriend who’s just as bad as her daughter’s other half.

Bring on the husband/boyfriend. He’ll be dressed in what amounts to rags and will sport a comb-over and moustache. Ascertain that he has a problem with:

  1. Gambling.
  2. Drink.
  3. Keeping it in his trousers.
  4. Keeping control of his temper.
  5. Employment.

To counter-balance the parents of the idiot girlfriend, bring on the primate boyfriend’s dad. He’ll be sporting a tracksuit and pony-tail and lots and lots of gold – a display of ostentatiousness that’s hard to explain considering he’s not worked since James Callahan was Prime Minister. After he’s stopped shouting in an incoherent Northern accent, ask him, as sarcastically as you can, a series of questions that will leave the audience in no doubt that he is:

  1. A cheat.
  2. A benefits scrounger.
  3. A liar.
  4. A bastard.
  5. Unable to communicate above the level of a monkey.

 Now reveal, through a semi-scientific lie-detector test, that:

  1. The primate boyfriend has fucked six girls on the estate, impregnated three of them and has contracted anything from syphilis to AIDS.
  2. The idiot girlfriend’s pregnant again and has caught anything from syphilis to AIDS from the primate boyfriend.
  3. The mother has been cheating on her husband/boyfriend with a knock-off tracksuit salesman. She has contracted AIDS.
  4. The husband/boyfriend has AIDS, is nearly dead, and turns out to be gay.
  5. The father is a lying, cheating, benefit-scrounging thief with AIDS.

Now you have revealed the truth about this pack of sub-human jackals offer them counselling and tell them to get out of your studio. The counselling will do them no good because they’re no better than apes.

Congratulations – you’ve just made your first Trisha show.