Posts Tagged ‘Youtube’

The Friday Question – Objectionable

November 14, 2008

(video with kind permission of Media Lounge)

With Robert Kilroy-Silk returning to our screens thanks to those idiots over at I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here HQ, the mind turns to those characters who’ve appeared on the TV with alarming regularity who seem completely objectionable in almost every way.

Jeremy Kyle bounces into view, riding on the hefty shoulders of Nick Ferrari. In the far distance, the sound of James Whale and his godawful late night TV show.

I’m sure Richard Littlejohn was once on TV, and if Jon Gaunt hadn’t have ballsed up his radio show by calling that Tory a Nazi, he’d probably have got his own late night ITV2 slot too.

So, looking back from times past to the present day…

Who’s the most objectionable person you’ve seen on television?

Probably best if we stick with those  lacking in morality, ethics and tolerance rather than those whose accents or faces you don’t like…

NewsGush – Mum’s Gone To Boots

October 23, 2008

Good news for idiots – specifically those who like to discuss the ins, outs and shake-it-all-abouts of untalented minor celebrities. Click here for the ‘big’ story.

Kerry Katona appeared on This Morning with Phil & Fern and slurred her way through the interview. She didn’t look pissed and the explanation that she happens to be on anti-psychotic drugs covered her phonetic sludge, yet this has somehow made the national news. Must’ve been a slow day.

In WWM’s defence, I’ve stuck this clip up knowing full well that Katona’s name alone will guarantee a good few handfuls of extra hits. It’s a mercenary world.

Though I was a fan of Katona’s early work with Atomic Kitten, I felt (and continue to feel) that she’s really come into her own with her appearances on the Iceland ads. I don’t follow the populist view that the Nolan sister who features in the more recent clips has diluted the franchise – I actually feel very strongly that Katona has become stronger as a thespian working alongside another untalented old boot.

Harry & Paul

September 9, 2008

Not a review, just a heads up for Harry & Paul which appears to have hit form as series 2 begins. Worth watching episode one on the iPlayer for the above Dragons’ Den spectacular and also the brilliant ‘modern football manager’ sketch.

Harry Enfield is still endearingly a bit stilted but gets big laughs with expert timing, while Paul Whitehouse is like a less successful Peter Sellers with an uglier mug, we’ve decided. Not that we’re ones to talk. We’re nothing like as talented as Peter Sellers was, and are uglier than Bernie Ecclestone.

The Friday Question: Youtube it?

July 11, 2008

Bryony Matthewman (what sort of name is that?)  has been commissioned by the BBC for a series based on her Youtube exploits. Adam Buxton missed out on a MeeBox commission with sketches based on his Youtube archive because of the idiotic decision to make BBC3 a home for morons… As a result, WWM was thinking about the Youtube clips that might be ripe for a good old fashioned, six-parts-to-a-series fleshing out…

Maybe Fat Cat could have his own series on CBeebies, detailing his attempts to squeeze through small spaces.

That singing Korean guitar-child could perform the entire Beatles back catalogue in front of stunning backdrops – the Taj Mahal, Tower of London etc… with collaborations from Ringo and Macca.

What about firework-leg man in a series of 30 second shorts in which progressively larger fireworks, crackers, rockets, minor explosives and atom bombs are attached to his limbs till he’s nothing but a shrivelled, burned nub?

What Youtube sensation do you think has the legs to run and run?

Pre-Emptive Review: Rude Tube

February 15, 2008

Alex Zane 

Let me tell you a story:

Somewhere in London, in a trendy and well-expensive bar, a group of young filmmakers were desperately trying to come up with the next hit TV show. As the usual suggestions of anything featuring ‘sex’ and/or ‘celebrity’ in the title were offered up, one of the group idly began to surf the web in boredom and happened across a well-known website called YouTube. After a quick trip to the bathroom to snort coke of the tits of a girl who was easily impressed by a Channel 4 name badge, he returned to the table to tell his friends of his momentous idea.

‘We’ll put YouTube on the telly!’ he excitedly brayed to his champagne-soddled allies. ‘

‘It’ll be brilliant! We’ll film it on an empty soundstage with a few lights and microphones showing, y’know, to look a bit cool, and we’ll get a cheap version of Russell Brand to host it. Bish bash bosh, easy TV and a shitload of cash. Whaddaya think?’

His friends were less than enthusiastic – ‘it’s been done before’ they chorused ‘and isn’t in awfully similar to Tarrant on TV, or You’ve Been Framed…?’

‘That’s the whole point” our zeitgeist-defining producer replied

‘It’s been done before so we know it works. We just need to make it look hip and cool by hiring a man who has a kooky hat collection to present it. Nothing is cheaper and easier to make than a compilation show with footage that costs nothing to acquire.’

At this point our filmmakers ordered more champagne, more coke and more easily impressed women and began to talk long into the night about how TV was really easy to make as you didn’t really need to think about anything for more than a few minutes anymore.

The End.

Well – not quite the end. You see ‘Rude Tube’, as these pubescent wunderkunds opted to call it, isn’t going to be broadcast until tonight. However, since the format is so stale and the idea so staggeringly unoriginal, there really is no need to wait until it’s been on TV to accurately review it – after all, it’d be a waste of both your and my time. So here goes; 

A load of videos that you’ll have already seen a gazillion times over, embedded on Facebook pages, or emailed to you by that funny guy in the office, or as part of Richard and Judy’s ‘Funny Videos on the Internet’ Section, or indeed on You Tube itself, are shown inexplicably in a prime time slot on Channel 4. That’s about it. It’s hosted by that guy who was on Alan Carr’s Celebrity Ding Dong last week and has a collection of cool Hoxton hats, and no doubt he’ll be making a few witty comments about the videos before they’re shown – I imagine some will be a little bit naughty, like a teenager’s nipple slipping out or a toddler making a noise that sounds like ‘fuck’ and some might be a bit gross, like the numerous videos there are of people drinking a gallon of milk and then vomiting.

About six years ago, before the advent of web 2.0, I ran a monthly audio/visual night in Sheffield called the Media Lounge. We showed a fair amount of footage from the web – internet video still being in its infancy then – much of which has now become quite famous; the cup stacking child, the treadmill music video, Star Wars kid, the whale blowing up or the wedding party doing Thriller etc…

After four years of running this night and showing this material in the backroom of pubs, we knocked it on the head, primarily because YouTube has usurped our positions and we could no longer get hold of footage that everyone hadn’t already seen… the novelty had gone.

I’m not writing this post from jealously or annoyance, but from sheer disbelief… the web video idea has been done, its been done, done, done – stuffed and roasted, it’s been sampled, looped, fucked and eaten and the whole world and their mother have their own channels. Funny videos of pandas sneezing, of BMXers falling over, of gang happy slapping and accidental nudity have been prevelant in our world for years – fucking hell, some even make the goddam, news – and they’re about the least least cool, least hip, least new, least novel and most easily accessible media there is.

Alex Kooky Hat was on Loose Women yesterday, wearily talking up this new venture and trying really hard to not to sound embarassed by the very idea – like a movie star who knows their new film sucks arse hard but is contractually obliged to say it’s good.

During the interview with the four malicious witches of daytime TV, he explained how some of the videos they’re showing have been viewed 70,000,000 times on the web. The question that should have been asked next is ‘well, why the fuck are you showing them at all?’

I wouldn’t mind so much, but I quite like Alex Kooky Hat – he seems like a nice fellow, is quick witted and funny and has some genuine screen presence, but unfortunately he appears to have an agent who wants a second home and will make him do whatever shit crops up next so he can get his hands on that 10%.

Rude Tube seems to be an even cheaper version of the Top 100 Most Barrel Scrapingly Obvious Time Fillers – after all, for those compilation shows they need to pay people to talk about the subjects, and they have to pay to use clips. All they need for this is some cheap b-list media personality, a load of free clips that EVERYONE has already seen and someone to write a few sentences to preceed them… it’s like the meeting was ending early and they still didn’t have the 9pm Friday slot filled, so they literally just threw any old shit at the screen and walked away counting the advertising revenue and giggling.

I shan’t be watching the Rude Tube 50 Most Watched Online videos tomorrow night, I’ll be online using the You Tube most watched feature ( – but if someone out there does, let me know if I was right.

Later With Jools Holland

February 4, 2008

Later with Jools Holland hit its 200th episode on Friday, which mathematically means it has been running for 59 and a half years. Despite this, Jools is still stuck in the 43 year old body he’s inhabited since The Tube first transmitted on the somethingth of a month, nineteen eighty something – before Paula Yates killed herself and probably while she was still married to that do-gooder bloke from the Boomtown Rats. The point is, Jools Holland never changes. He is forever an awkward, no-necked misfit who can’t interview people for toffee – but we like him anyway, for he has always been there and always will be.

So, Jools and company decided to celebrate this anniversary with a stellar line up of super-duperstars. He had Feist (her from the Apple advert), Radiohead (from the Skins advert), Mary J Blige (who isn’t really very famous over here), Dionne Warwick (didn’t she do the dirty with David Frost back in the day? The lucky swine…), Robyn Hitchcock and finally Cat Power, whose The Greatest album I had heard before and thought quite pleasant in places, unremarkable in others.

Then I remembered Mrs Power had recently recorded a covers album. Cue disaster.

I’m not a big fan of Sinatra but like everyone else, I know the tunes inside out. New York, New York is a bona fide classic and, in the clip above, we can see Mrs Power ripping the very life out of its pomp and joyfulness, ordering her session musicians to play the most pointless blues bore-jam as she gurns a performance of pure pointlessness from the bottom of half a lung.

What’s going on with her face? It’s like she’s singing out of half of it while the other segment tries to remember the words. I thought a ‘breathy’ voice was meant to indicate a sort of laid-back passion and melancholy – here it seems to require the singer to avoid symmetry by all means necessary. And all that bouncing about is silly as well. So stop it.

Cover albums must be the least profitable thing an artist, supposedly at the top of their game, could put out – so why bother? You can’t top the greats. Is it an attempt to establish credibility via association? Probably. Is it borne out of laziness? I assume so. Does it sound absolutely terrible? In this example, yes. Yes it does.

Music Video: The Girl Is Mine

January 14, 2008

When off one’s trolley it’s always tempting (for me anyway) to rifle about in Youtube for some old classics to haphazardly jaunt around the front room to. Usually these take the form of complete and utter drivel from the 80s like Eric Carmen’s hideously sublime ‘Hungry Eyes’, or perhaps Men At Work’s mindless plodalong ‘Land Down Under’. Essentially, if it’s shit, it goes on.

Once in a while, you mistakenly click on a fan video – meaning some lonely internet berk has spent time and effort piecing together a visual for a song. This can take the form of them singing into a hairbrush in person in front of a webcam, but occasionally it’s just a badly constructed series of stills enhanced using low rent special effects.

The above video is one of the most disturbing examples of the latter that I’ve uncovered during one of these drunken trawls through Youtube’s seemingly infinite treasure chest of effluents.

The girl in the video will be well known to anyone who purchased, borrowed or shoplifted a copy of the reputable, high-street sperm-pamphlet Mayfair at any point between 1996 and, I estimate, 1999. Her name is/was Veronika and she was on the front cover of the mag regularly, probably because she provoked fevered onanists to scribble rapturous appraisals of her large hooters after they’d kleenexed their pen-hands,  mailing their love-letters off to the mag in the hope their beloved would appear in the next issue. She was a very attractive jizz-model, it has to be said – in the mould of that overseas tit-carrier in American Pie. A lovely girl. It’s not entirely worrying for a heterosexual male to develop a two-dimensional crush on such a frequently disrobed glamour-bird, so long as the relationship is kept quiet – an unspoken love-triangle betwixt the glossy page, the right hand and the bachelor.

The song, as you probably know, is The Girl Is Mine – a weird collaboration between those two humbled titans of the music industry, Paul McPaul McCartney and Michael ‘Jesus-Juice’ Jackson. Both parties obsessively claim their right to an unnamed lady in an unintentionally amusing vocal scrap. After single-handedly removing usage of the word ‘doggone’ from the English language, they then indulge in a brilliantly rubbish spoken word segment (around the three minute mark).

When the two are juxtaposed as in the video I share with you today, the conglomeration of terrible music and creepy video takes on a life of its own. The girl they’re fighting over becomes Veronika, the familiar starlet of Brit grot mags.

It suddenly feels all sexual and perverse, as though Jackson and Macca are sharing a bedsit and sitting about in their off-white Y fronts, arguing over who gets to ‘date’ Veronika tonight, whilst tugging at either end of a dog-eared copy of Mayfair.

I can’t work out if this was made for a joke – if the man who created it was aware of what he was doing. I suspect and hope that he meant it sincerely, as this means it stands as an unironic testament to the web’s weirdness and Veronika’s unparallelled beauty.