Dragon’s Den

 The return of Dragons’ Den last night, so it was time to pad the TV screen (for its own protection) and get the missus to prise me into a strait-jacket to prevent me from smashing the box into a thousand shards of shimmering shit. I enjoy and despise the show in equal measure. The best aspect of it is trying to second guess a product before the ‘Dragons’ do. Unfortunately that is almost overshadowed by the fact that I find myself saying things like
‘Great pitch!’
and
‘20% equity? Is he having a laugh!?’which are the kinds of things cunts say, specifically the recruitment-cuntsultants that work alongside me. Last night was a pretty standard warm up edition, getting us ready for the Dragons becoming progressively more bolshy and self-confident, cackling among themselves as wannabes bankrupt themselves before their eyes.Peter Jones is undoubtedly the major villain of the piece. Definitely bullied at school, he has the cold, icy stare of an active psychopath. As pitchers pitch, he can be seen plotting their downfall, massaging his temples as though what he’s hearing is as ludicrous as the thought of him ever buying a copy of the Big Issue. The minute contestants set foot on the final step, as soon as he’s had a butchers at what’s confronting him, he’s made his mind up. The betting is, if you’re a well-dressed man, young and in pinstripe, you’ll get a decent hearing. Added to this, if you’re white and dressed like you work in the City, he’ll give you cash instantly, as if you’d just promised him a life-long supply of blow jobs. If you’re from a different ethnicity, the likelihood is slightly less, if you’re female, you’re getting colder and if you’re female and middle aged and, dare I say it, slightly ‘mumsy’, he will DESTROY you. Last night he stole the show whilst leering at two motherly types who were trying to sell some kind of CDR of kids stories. ‘I won’t be investing, because I think your product is worthless‘ he smiled, through a grin and stare so ominous he stank of rape.Is it just me, or is the presenter of DD, that camp bloke off of Newsnight, slightly bog-eyed?

Tags: BBC 2, Dragon's Den, Peter Jones, Television, Twat, Twats