‘stenders

by

Beasts of the East 

I hadn’t seen Eastenders in years. I remember Den and Ange, Arthur and Pauline, the two bald gays, one of whom spoke in such a contrived husky parlance I’m convinced that off-scene his voice was actually so high no one could hear it apart from (fat) dogs. We were supposed to believe that the other chrome dome had been in the Para’s. To make the point once in a while he’d go ‘mental’ which involved a series of posturing and hard stares that even if accompanied by the language of a docker in advanced stages of Alzheimer’s being screamed in the face of a sensitive two year old girl, the reaction would be for her to giggle uncontrollably at the cunt’s total lack of acting skills and fucking hair and gently pat his nose.

The other night I sat through 15 minutes of it, I didn’t recognise a single character outside of the one whose saggy norks fell out of her top in a Carry-On film made over 100 years ago, and some other characters I’d seen in The Bill or something.

However, whilst the cast my be a different set of thin lipped gargoyles, the relentless misery and poison inherent in the script/speech/storylines seem very much to have Spinal-Tapped their way to 11. In a mere 15 minutes I was treated to the rantings of some young slattern who, it appeared, had been knocked up by a the husband of the ‘Eastenders’ doctor, the only person who could speak proper but in true soap-style managed to have a full on fucking shit-fit, a painting-by-numbers method treatment (snot bubbles, rolling around) to then instantly revert into a scheming minx (a piggy minx I hasten to add) when her husband came home.

The uninterrupted flow of miserable ugly fizzogs, the yelling, crying and shouting, the sheer nastiness of it, why do people subject themselves to this unremitting slice of horror? I mean it’s not even fucking real. It’s not even fucking acted/written/directed or anything well. Turn on the bloody news, the unscripted repugnance therein is far worse and it’s stuff that’s actually happened /happening.

Christ it makes my blood boil.

(btw, when is it on again?)

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