For those of you who didn’t catch it, a quick round up of all the gags featured in last night’s opening episode of Horne & Corden’s new sketch show. All thirteen jokes are present, including the successful one.
Joke 1
Introduction, with the actually quite amusing sight of a fat man being overexcited. Ruined by a damp punchline squib.
Joke 2
A fat man suddenly notices he is fat and throws away his burger.
Joke 3
A camp news reporter in Iraq, ripped directly from Steve Coogan’s portrayal of Pauline Calf.
Joke 4
A vaguely accurate David Brent impersonation.
Joke 5
Teachers show a class how to draw cocks. Potentially a good gag, ruined by the fact that no cock I ever saw on any exercise book looked like that, because they looked like this.
Joke 6
The perfume ad you’ve already seen that features a naked fat man.
Joke 7
A relay race in which a fat man can be seen trying to compete.
Joke 8
A man pushes another man over on his arse in a supermarket.
Joke 9
Superman chats to Spiderman. Spiderman is fat and we see his big, fat bottom.
Joke 10
A fat man is having sex and can’t finish up.
Joke 11
Whilst discussing strategy, an army officer asks if anyone has a Nokia charger. Eerily reminiscent of a Fast Show classic.
Joke 12
An alcoholic fat man humiliates his ex-schoolmate in front of his family.
Joke 13
Westcountry magicians do a dance routine, in the hope that it will be made funny by the fact that one of them is fat.
End Credits
It’s good to see BBC3 continuing with its schedule of rushed-out, underwritten and flimsy sketch shows. It’s looking like Horne & Corden is a worthy addition to that tradition. Roll on next week.
Tags: BBC3, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Horne & Corden, James Corden, Matthew Horne, Media, One Minute Reviews, Television, TV
Watch With Mothers 
March 11, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Bring back Hale & Pace, I say. They did this bit where they were bouncers …
March 11, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Re Joke 13, they probably thought that it would also be funny to make them sound like country bumpkins, and hence funny. This is never funny – Justin Lee Collins should take note (although he actually does have a westcountry accent. He still isn’t funnny)
Evenin’ all.
March 11, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Mel – But that’s how your mob of backwards tractor-fuckers talk. Like this:
“We’m aaaaaall goin’ down the faaaaaaaaaarm to drink zum zzoiydurrrrr.”
See?
March 11, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Hello Mel.
Ah, Napoleon – you refer to ‘da Management’. A glorious sketch. But I was a little shocked by the ‘cat in the microwave’ routine. A bit too ‘in your face’ for my liking.
March 11, 2009 at 1:02 pm
[…] Here is the original post: One Minute Review: Horne Corden […]
March 11, 2009 at 1:05 pm
It was the days of alternative comedy, Swineshead. Cats in microwaves were all the rage, along with fannies, tampons, fannies, Mrs. Thatcher, fannies and tampons.
And fannies.
March 11, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Hi SH.
I never forgave H&P for that excerable Ciomic Releif hit they did, even though I cannot remember what it was now. So the fat one is now appearing in TV soaps, but what about the other one, who was also fat the last time i saw him.
March 11, 2009 at 1:07 pm
NC, that is as maybe (or mebbe as you noferners like to say) but this does not make it funny. It is lazy to assume that people will laugh at the villlage idiot just because he has a funny accent (also works with the Brummie accent).
Not funny, lazy stereotyping.
March 11, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Do The Stonk, or something, wasn’t it?
March 11, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Mel – Sounds like sour grapes to me.
Sorry …
Zounds loike zzzouurrr graaapes to Oi’m.
March 11, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Nappers – you are a bastard on 2 counts:
1) i don’t actually think you find this funny, but you like to be contrary.
2) Now you have reminded me what that excerable H&P song was, and i am singing it in my head.
Obviously, the second of these makes you a bigger bastard.
March 11, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Let’s stonk!
Stick a red nose on your ‘conk’!
(yes, ‘conk’)
March 11, 2009 at 1:13 pm
*dies a bit*
please tell me that Red Nose weekend isn’t the 20-22 March?
March 11, 2009 at 1:16 pm
That bit of joke 2 where horne is shaking cordens belly and they keep saying look to the burger van man – i have a horrible image of that being repeated up and down the country this friday night
March 11, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Mel – I refer you to my previous statement.
(Let’s stonk to the rhythm of the honky-tonk)
March 11, 2009 at 1:18 pm
So nappers, what did happen to the one that isn’t called Gareth?
March 11, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Norman? I have no idea. I assume the tow of ’em are still microwaving cats in some godforsaken seaside town somewhere. A shame, as they were titans of the alternative comedy movement.
As were Little & Large.
March 11, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Eddie Large is one of the people that was Comet Assistant to the stars for. He was ‘a very nice man’ etc. I have no horrible stories about him.
Gareth Thingy was in that soap on C5 for years. Family whatnot. He was shacked up with the one that used to be Nigel’s wife in Eastenders. I guess he is not currently microwaving cats.
Can you confirm/deny when CR is on this year please?
March 11, 2009 at 1:27 pm
This Friday, Mel.
March 11, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Thanks. Ironically, i cannot get the BBC website at work, but i can chat all day on here if i want to.
I am glad it is this weekend, so that i don’t have to suffer it when i get back to blighty. I hate people doing ‘mad’ things for money or otherwise. I may have mentioned this previously.
March 11, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Exelsior!: Jesus. I think you’re right. That will happen.
I’m staying in. (I always stay in anyway, but this time I’m staying in on principle)
March 11, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Afternoon. Internet access is down at work. Crime.
Fat’s not funny. Fat kills.
March 11, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Fat people deserve to be mocked. The same as gingers, women and camp people. This is what our nation’s comedy has been built on, after all.
March 11, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Oh.. you are all over here.
March 11, 2009 at 1:44 pm
SH – you dont even have to have catchphrases in your show. John Bull always will find away.
March 11, 2009 at 1:46 pm
away?. A. Way.
March 11, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Ugeine – oh right, I see… we can mock fat folk, gingers, women and the gays but we can’t mock muslims?
Is that make-uppable??
March 11, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Joke 11 – wasn’t that mobile phone charger joke also used in I’m Alan Partridge, albeit at a funeral?
March 11, 2009 at 1:50 pm
p.s. I didn’t watch the Corn & Horden thing, so I might be wrong on what I wrote above.
March 11, 2009 at 1:50 pm
That doesn’t sound like it’s been made it because it’s the sort of thing you can’t make up, surely?
March 11, 2009 at 1:51 pm
‘Up’, not ‘it’.
March 11, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Sue – I do believe you’re right. It was a Sony Ericcson charger in that instance.
Napoleon – my mistake – you’re quite right. It’s not make-uppable because you couldn’t make that up. So it’s a non-make-uppable.
March 11, 2009 at 1:57 pm
The scanner registered only four makeups per word, meaning it couldn’t have been made up.
March 11, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Youve made that up ugeine.
March 11, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I couldn’t, Excelsior! I tried, I really did, but I just couldn’t.
March 11, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I’m with Ugeine on this.
By the way, have any of you noticed how broken Britain is these days? To give you an example, the cold tap on my bathroom sink makes a high-pitched screeching sound every time you turn it on. Is this what our soldiers laid down their lives for?
March 11, 2009 at 2:05 pm
It’s 14:06 and Dave still hasn’t posted the daily update of his blog.
Anybody else worried?
March 11, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Napoleon’s right, as usual. And does Gordon Brown care about his taps? Do you see Jacqui Smith on her knees in his bathroom, sorting out his pipes? Is Peter Mandelson coming round his house with a spanner? Of course they’re not, and I’ll tell you why. New LIEbour want to take all our taps and give it out to young kids, so they can knife people with them. This socialist government is going to ruin this great nation.
March 11, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Not really Ugeine.
Nappers, i think you will find that can be easily remidied yourself, possibly by channging a washer. Thus i conclude that Britain isn’t broken, merely lazy. Like the comedy you are so fond of.
March 11, 2009 at 2:13 pm
He’ll be found asphyxywanked to death in a bothie. You mark my words.
March 11, 2009 at 2:16 pm
‘Do you see Jacqui Smith on her knees in his bathroom, sorting out his pipes?’
ooooh!
March 11, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Would the last one out, please turn out the lights.
March 11, 2009 at 2:18 pm
What is a bothie excelsior?
DINLT – are you referring to the UK or this blog?
March 11, 2009 at 2:19 pm
just read the review of fatso and wide-eyed in G2. says pretty much the same thing.
so now i know, twicely, how shit it is. tops.
anyway, i’ve internet access back at work. now i can get on with procrastinating properly.
March 11, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Mel..Broken Britain of course.
March 11, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Don’t worry, Ugeine. It’s probably his signing on day.
March 11, 2009 at 2:21 pm
We are all leaving, I can’t remember why though, but it is obvious the country has gone to the dogs.
March 11, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Nah, Mel. It’s Broken Britain. Same with my carpets.
March 11, 2009 at 2:22 pm
britain is well broken, actually. it’s one of the things i like best about it.
March 11, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Mel –
Bothy/bothie – small scotish hovel. The perfect gloomy setting for a furtive wank that ends in disaster.
March 11, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I already did DINLT. I have the stamp in my passport to prove it. Although i didn’t leave because it was briken, to be fair.
March 11, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Kids are high on squirrels, people are exercising freedom of speech, we are being overun by insidious unseen forces and the taps don’t work.
March 11, 2009 at 2:26 pm
i thought bothy/bothie was a derivative of botham.
fact.
March 11, 2009 at 2:28 pm
It’s just “Both” Breeks or “Gus”.
March 11, 2009 at 2:28 pm
But then when I try to blow up a Mosque, suddenly I’m ‘dangerous’!
March 11, 2009 at 2:29 pm
or , indeed broken. My typing is broken today though.
March 11, 2009 at 2:29 pm
DINLK – ta. endless shit to learn, me.
March 11, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Its one rule for the one ugeine and another rule for a different one.
March 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm
All I know is my granddad fought the Nazis so that Europe could be populated exclusively by white people.
March 11, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Kids are high on squirrels? I’m not surprised. I heard that squirrels were stealing all crack and sitting in stairwells and getting high years ago in Brixton. When i lived there, it was impossible to walk under a tree without one of them trying to nick your wallet.
March 11, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Gordon Brown has squirrel blood on his hands.
March 11, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I have a question – whay has Watch With Mothers suddenly become Watch with Mail Readers?
Where did all the tolerance go?
March 11, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Where did all the readers go?
March 11, 2009 at 2:58 pm
“Bring back Hale & Pace, I say. They did this bit where they were bouncers”
My Dad used to write for Hale and Pace, he wrote the following joke…
Ron and Ron, the bouncers, walk past a nightclub with a sign saying ‘Bouncers Wanted’. They look at each other, then walk inside the club.
Cut to inside the club and Ron and Ron are bouncing on a trampoline.
End gag.
Brilliant.
March 11, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Because it’s more fun then screening, Mel.
March 11, 2009 at 3:06 pm
more fun than screening? screening what exactly?
March 11, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Security guards, vis a vis the thing I’m paid for.
March 11, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Oh i see. Sorry, i just didn’t follow that at all. I am being a bit rubbish today. I have the mother of all headaches and blurry vision. I am not keeping up well today, but then it has never been difficult to confuse an idiot…
March 11, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I can hardly control myself bladder-wise, I’m laughing at Quincey’s dad’s joke so much.
March 11, 2009 at 3:12 pm
They call crunchies “violet crumble”
Them Ozzies!
March 11, 2009 at 3:13 pm
BREEKS…
I have misled you….Both’s nickname is “Beefy” and “Guy the Gorilla”.
Gus is Angus Fraser, Cricket is not my game, but we can have some friendly banter during the Ashes series.
March 11, 2009 at 3:19 pm
My Dad also wrote the following sketch for Russ Abbott…
Doctor says to patient “I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is that we have to amputate both your legs. The good news is that the man over there wants to buy your bike.”
To this day he still get royalty cheques.
March 11, 2009 at 3:22 pm
The only joke my dad ever wrote was his wedding speech. Boom Boom!
March 11, 2009 at 3:23 pm
DINLT – ok. let’s.
Nick – where did that come from? it’s inaccurate, as it happens. we call crunchies crunchies and violet crumbles violet crumbles. two different products with warring camps.
gawd it’s a dull afternoon. i escaped from a conference, sitting in a deathly quiet office, finished reading the guardian and am now faced with a choice between a project proposal for an ‘inadequate’ local authority or a trawl through the lighthearded publication ‘developing ecological practice in disadvantaged communities’. recommendations?
March 11, 2009 at 3:27 pm
What your Daily Mail reader does not seem to grasp is that “Great” in the context of Britain means major in this context of greater as opposed to lesser or minor as in Brittany and their respective sizes.
March 11, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Breeks: Pretend to be a Daily Mail reader. It kills an hour. (Like Gordon Brown killed Britain)
March 11, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Hope thats clear.
March 11, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Breeks – i reckon the second one actually does sound a bit interesting.
March 11, 2009 at 3:29 pm
You mean McBroon, Ugeine.
March 11, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Actually I meant Gordon CLOWN. Word puns count as politicaldissent in Britain these days.
March 11, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I’m not part of the banter today Breeks, so I thought I’d carry on a theme from earlier this week.
Nutragrain is totaly different….
March 11, 2009 at 3:38 pm
nick – nutrigrain. but yes, in oz it’s actually delish.
mel – unfortunately ‘ecological’ in that context isn’t about environmental stuff. it’s the interactions between family systems and wider communities, to put it simply.
light reading.
March 11, 2009 at 3:40 pm
I used to eat it without milk.
You can buy it here in those expensive Aussi shops.
March 11, 2009 at 3:40 pm
i have one near my house. it’s Danger.
March 11, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Do you buy vegemite here Breeks?
March 11, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Bah, and there was me thinking it had something to do with getting disadvantaged families to work together by getting them to clean up canals and ponds, and seeing what wildlife comes back. Couldn’t you write that one instead?
March 11, 2009 at 3:45 pm
i can, from sainsburys. not promite, tho. gotta get that specialist-like. and proper peanut butter, too.
March 11, 2009 at 3:45 pm
mel – maybe. wanna collaborate?
March 11, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Yes, i can provide the ecological information and you can provide the families and maybe the odd canal site? We can revolutionise the way they deal with families in need of assistance/intervention, and fix this breaking that everyone else keeps banging on about. yeah?
March 11, 2009 at 3:49 pm
i think really, for it to have any chance of working, we need to establish a model of practice which involves a privatised security force to compel disadvantaged families to clean up trolleys thrown in canals. trolleys, knives and bodies. the big three.
March 11, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Oh god I’d forgotten about promite!
*emails brother*
March 11, 2009 at 3:51 pm
ITV2 now…
March 11, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Afternoon.
How’s everybody?
Corden needs killing. I will not be watching.
March 11, 2009 at 3:51 pm
disadvantaged families like this one – http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/article2310399.ece
March 11, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Corden needs killing, but he owns the other one. What is the function of Horne exactly? He’s the most useless, non-person I ever saw on telly.
March 11, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Hello Clarry – nice to have you back.
Anyone see Heston B last night?
When he made the pie filled with pigeons I couldn’t help but wonder if all this food poisoning business has been caused by pigeonshit. There was a lot of birdpoo on last night’s show. He couldn’t care less about avian faeces so long as he gets to muck about.
March 11, 2009 at 3:55 pm
*vomits*
March 11, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Horne is the straight man, as far as I can tell. He’s the 21st Century Cannon to Corden’s Bobby Ball.
March 11, 2009 at 3:55 pm
swineshead – i saw that. i wondered the same thing. well, a bit of the same thing. i mostly wondered how many people’s pies got shat on, and then wondered how many of the people present at said dinner i’d enjoy seeing eat shat-on pie, then i was basically amused and entertained.
dessert was best.
March 11, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I thought it was shit. Heston Blumenthal’s a bloody idiot. My Mum used to tell me off for playing with my food (and quite right too).
March 11, 2009 at 3:59 pm
i like his enthusiasm. so little of it about these days.
March 11, 2009 at 4:00 pm
I’m about to try some of this hyper-squirrel Julie Myerson’s son went mental on as a journalistic experiment.
I may be some time.
March 11, 2009 at 4:02 pm
written a will?
March 11, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Idiots can be nice people, Breeks – don’t get me wrong. I like him, I just think he’s a bloody idiot.
March 11, 2009 at 4:02 pm
It’s an apt surname, My er son!
March 11, 2009 at 4:04 pm
yes, i would imagine having this car crash lived out so publicly would put you at a disadvantage.
March 11, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Er, that last comment was to Breeks, re her link. Not quite as random as it seems, at first. I really need to go home. See you all tomorrow, bright and early…
March 11, 2009 at 4:07 pm
get well-some, mel.
March 11, 2009 at 4:09 pm
SH: are you a child or a 20 something? Jus trying to work out if you’ll try to kill us or just go mental.
March 11, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Hey does anyone remember “Get Some In?”
March 11, 2009 at 4:12 pm
*hides from Swineshead’s imminent pot frenzy*
March 11, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Is that the spin off to “They don’t like it up ’em!”.
March 11, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Hello SH – nice to be back.
*high fives all round*
Yes I saw Heston and thought the same thing, particularly as we had a pigeon guano related health and safety scare on a recent project at werk. I certainy wouldn’t want to be shat on before I ate my mains. I also thought that the food didn’t look particularly edgy or tasty for that matter. The meat fruit looked shit (regardless of the brown spunk jelly out of the boiled bull’s ball), the fish dish looked fucking hideous (surely it’s not good to have raw fish heads and tails atop your blood sauce and barbecued fish), the pigeon shit pie (although the pie innards looked pretty tasty), however the edible table ware and ice cream pork pie were perhaps the best bits.
The christmas feast was fantastic (anyone see that?), but I think he’s running low on ideas now.
Horne may well be the straight guy – but he has absolutely no charisma or screen presence.
March 11, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Actually Nick I do..hilarity in the RAF, if memory serves me correct.
March 11, 2009 at 4:18 pm
And it’s four twenty! Nice one SH.
March 11, 2009 at 4:19 pm
That was it. Tony Selby played the corporal
“Fag for the corporal”
“Light for the corporal”
March 11, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Ernie Wise had presence. Horne could learn a thing or two by watching some Christmas Specials.
As for the hypersquirrel currently running through my veins, I feel the best way to describe the sensations would be for me to repeat the experiment under test conditions and live blog the effects for you tomorrow morning from 9.30 am.
For journalistic reasons, obviously.
Tell your friends about this radical and highly illegal piece of news-gathering – and I’ll see you bright and early with some rizlas and a hotline to the nearest accident and emergency department.
March 11, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Oh – and if I was served meat disguised as fruit for a starter and it was followed by a dead fish with all blood all over it, I’d kick off.
March 11, 2009 at 4:24 pm
call frank.
March 11, 2009 at 4:30 pm
There are no michelin star vegetarian resturants.
I’ve checked
March 11, 2009 at 4:31 pm
sexy times – http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/gallery/2009/mar/09/crufts-winners-dog-show-pictures?picture=344326359
March 11, 2009 at 4:49 pm
When I lived in Newcastle my friend’s husband was a chef at a restaurant called Blue Apple, which was vegetarian and did absolutely heavenly food. Obviously not a michelin starred jobby, but completely gorgeous food nonetheless. And no, not lentil surprise before you start Nap
March 11, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Sorry Nap, that was a bit harsh of me…
March 11, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Vegetarian restaurants get my goat. Where’s the fucking meat-eater’s choice, eh? Why should I be forced to eat bird food along with all the other tree-huggers and nobwits, eh? Eh? YOU NOBWITS!
March 11, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I’m searching 2002 tv docs. Just come across “Revealed – Was Hitler gay?”
Yikes!
March 11, 2009 at 4:55 pm
Here Nick – what about that cnut off of ‘Great British Menu’, can’t remember his name – he was horrible, bad tempered, obsessed with nutrition and was rude to the other chefs who used butter and such like. All his dinner was made with flowers and seeds, was organic and used weird dairy alternatives, but APPARENTLY it was delish. I find that nigh on impossible to believe.
March 11, 2009 at 4:56 pm
there’s a vegetarian restaurant in the bush called ‘blah blah blah’. surely appropriate in nap-land.
March 11, 2009 at 4:57 pm
You have my sympathies Naps.
*lies*
March 11, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Chris Horridge used flowers and hedge herbs…
March 11, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Oh GOD. Went out for a cycle and right at the farthest point i got a bastard puncture. A bloody hour and a half its taken me to walk back. Im never going outside again.
March 11, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Yeah, just looked him up Nick – that’s him! Awful man… It is the law that food like that should be thoroughly bad for you and made with obscene amounts of butter, cream and cheese. How can yummy food be low fat?
March 11, 2009 at 5:10 pm
What Excelsior? You mean to say that you don’t carry a pump and emergency puncture repair kit with you?
March 11, 2009 at 5:14 pm
That sounds like forward planning to me Clarry, not my strong suit. However im willing to concede that it may be a good idea for the future.
The worst bit is that ive been fantasising about a fry up all the way back, only to discover that my housemates finished of the eggs and theres no bacon. I’ll be buggered if im going to the shops.
March 11, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I was at the bus stop outside Tesco’s the other day, and this woman left the shop, crossed the road an went into her house laden with shopping. What I’d give to live directly opposite a supermarket. You wouldn’t need a freezer or anything.
March 11, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Excelsior! – Bollix. I bet that’s what you said when you opened the fridge, huh?
Nap – Well seeing as there’s only about 3 vegetarian restaurants in the whole of En-ger-lund, it can’t be too much of a bother to you – plus you can eat everything on the menu, you just don’t choose to. Whereas every time I go in a place to get something to eat I have something like ‘vegetable bake’ or ‘vegetable surprise’ to look forward to, all of which usually comprise the same horrid frozen mixed veg boiled to death, with a tiny about of tasteless sauce, smothered in melted cheese and some crumbs on it. I’d prefer it if they’d just give us beans on toast tbh.
March 11, 2009 at 5:26 pm
I didnt even have the energy. Just kind of shrunk in on myself and collapsed on the sofa with my laptop on my belly. Paul o gradys on but i dont know where the remote is. A terrible end to the day.
March 11, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Clarry – You, too, can eat everything on the menu in a non-vegetarian menu. Like me, however, you’d rather eat something you want to eat.
Works both ways.
March 11, 2009 at 5:27 pm
‘Restaurant’, rather, not ‘menu’. My brain’s not working today.
March 11, 2009 at 5:29 pm
My mum has that same experience, Clarry, and hates eating out.
March 11, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Being all environmental, ive been flirting with the idea of vegetarianism, but it looks like awfully hard work.
Tried tofu the other day, it was a bit of a non event for me.
March 11, 2009 at 5:40 pm
No Naps I do not eat meat because it makes me sad (I know i’m a sappy twat before you say so and that animals wouldn’t exist if we didn’t eat them, and they wouldn’t hesitate to eat us, and that other animals eat meat and that it’s natural yadda yadda yadda), so it does not work both ways, unless you do not want to eat vegetables on principle.
U – Vegetarian food is monumentally uninspiring. I don’t understand why they feel that a vegetarian dish has to be based around the monstrous frozen mixed veg.
E – It’s a piece of piss to be a veggie, but I wouldn’t recommend being a vegan, which I found to be next to impossible. After 17 years of not eating meat or fish, I have started to eat fish again in a feeble bid to increase health and fertility. And I do admit that I feel a fuck of a lot better for it health-wise, although horrendously guilty as farmed fishing is one of things I objected most strongly.
March 11, 2009 at 5:41 pm
to
March 11, 2009 at 5:42 pm
/\ Oops! That got left behind
March 11, 2009 at 5:44 pm
What’s environmental about not eating meat? Arable farming slaughters huge numbers of animals, and needs vast tracts of land – land that in many cases was once forest teeming with life that’s no longer there. You’re being more environmental by eating a bacon sandwich, frankly.
March 11, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Clarry – Allergies, is it? Balls!
Plus, you’re not a vegetarian. Unless fish have been reclassified from animals to plants when I wasn’t looking.
March 11, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Livestock use up more land then arrable farming, by virtue of the fact that they need to be fed. If you used the food they need to feed people it would be a lot more effiecent. Not saying arable farmings great, its just better for producing food then keeping animals.
March 11, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Nap – Everything on earth has an impact on the environment, so it’s not really an arguement for or against eating meat. It is definitely a case of not wanting to kill an animal for me, even though I understand that they will be killed irrespective of whether I partake or not, but it helps my conscience. I don’t give a tuppeny fuck whether anyone else eats it or not, I just don’t like how people take it for granted and waste the majority of what meat they buy. I think that meat should be regarded as a luxury and treated as such, and if people ate it less often they could afford to buy the better quality meat that has had a better life.
March 11, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Thats the approach ive decided to take Clarry. Eating meat once or twice a week, but that expensive stuff whats been killed with love.
god that makes it sound like its been raped to death
March 11, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Excelsior – It’s not better. Arable farming is an environmental disaster, and it always has been – loss of migratory routes, loss of jungle / rain forest / woodland, mass slaughter of wildlife, poisoning of the rivers and seas with pesticides, extinctions and species endangerment, etc. As for taking up more land, how the fuck do you square that? Most people on earth are lucky to see meat once a year. It’s grain and rice and what-have-you that takes up the land, not the odd herd of cows.
Clarry – If it was the case of you not wanting to kill an animal, you wouldn’t eat fish. That’s an animal killed right there.
March 11, 2009 at 6:17 pm
NC – I KNOW!!! Read my earlier point – I feel awful about eating fish, but it was something I decided to start doing again for reasons of health. BUT I eat the best fish I can buy in terms of non cruelty/most natural life and I waste as little as possible. I’m not a preachy non-meat eater, so why do so many meat eaters find the idea of being vegetarian so weird/problematic? You eat what you eat and I eat what I eat. Nobody is right.
I’m not getting drawn any further into this debate.
March 11, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Yes yes thats all correct naps. The point is that to feed the livestock you need to grow their food, which is more inefficiant then just feeding people that food or let them graze – which is very land intensive.
The fact that outside the west, most people dont each much meat is beside the point. If everyone ate a western amount of meat the planet would be in an even worse state then it is now. As countries such as China and India develope, they are starting to consume more meat, which puts more of a strain on land use then all ready exists. Since you cant really sit there, eating a steak and shaking a finger at those who want to join you, ive decided to eat less meat myself.
And dont even mention using land for fucking biofuels
March 11, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I find it weird too Clarry – there’s an anti-vegetarian movement which is pretty angry about the fact some people don’t eat meat… my missus often gets grief despite the fact she only mentions her diet if asked.
I blame Gordon Ramsay. And Napoleon.
March 11, 2009 at 6:22 pm
“Clarry – Allergies, is it? Balls!
Plus, you’re not a vegetarian. Unless fish have been reclassified from animals to plants when I wasn’t looking.”
NC – When did I say anything about allergies? Plus I never said I was a vegetarian, as i’m not anymore since I started to eat fish again. I said I didn’t eat meat and I can still have an input with regard to eating out as a vegetarian etc as a bonefide vegetarian of almost 17 years.
Stop being such a contrarian.
March 11, 2009 at 6:31 pm
You’re all morons. Morons and cocks.
WRONG COCKS.
March 11, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Weird isn’t it SH? What difference does it make?….
… It makes none, But now you have gone, And your prejudice won’t keep you warm tonight…
…BUT i’m still fond of you Oh oh oooh
*swoons at thought of Mozza*
March 11, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Smashing argument there Naps…
Cocks?
March 11, 2009 at 6:36 pm
My cocks not wrong.
Ive never had an STD in my life
March 11, 2009 at 6:38 pm
I haven’t even got a cock…
March 11, 2009 at 6:50 pm
*saddles up high horse and gallops off to ivory tower*
March 11, 2009 at 6:55 pm
My cock is arable, and therefore ruining the environment.
March 11, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Lousy set of wrong cocks.
*wins*
March 11, 2009 at 6:58 pm
The universe is gradually slowing down and, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it’s thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavours ultimately pointless.
Just to put the argument into some kind of context.
March 11, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Ugeine – Is it arse. Your text book was clearly written before 1982.
March 11, 2009 at 8:35 pm
See Roszs, not me this time.
I find that this vegetarian lark rather suits me.
If any of you lot were ever to meat me (ha!) you would find me to be hearty, hale and full of vigor.
I don’t give a flying kipper what anyone else eats, I’m not bothered if people eat kittens and puppies.
There is only one kind of tofu to eat and that is dried and marinated all the other stuff is tasteless mush and to dismiss all tofu is foolish.
Like chewing on a trotter and denying oneself bacon as a result.
Nite nite
March 12, 2009 at 9:54 am
Nigh on half an hour I’ve been waiting for this live squirrel smoking experiment to start. You don’t deliver on your promises, Swineshead.
March 12, 2009 at 9:58 am
It’s not? Shit, I had a tenner on that happening at the local Coral.
March 12, 2009 at 10:06 am
Morning all.
March 12, 2009 at 10:12 am
Apologies. It’ll have to be another day – forgot to set my alarm this morning and all manner of shit has gone down as a result.
New post up though….
March 12, 2009 at 10:32 am
[…] negative reviews like this and this the show still managed to pull in 800,000 viewers, a new record for BBC […]
March 12, 2009 at 10:35 am
The shit’s gone down? And you’re just five days away from retirement? Swineshead, you’re getting too old for this shit.
March 12, 2009 at 10:43 am
I know, Napoleon. You lovable rookie cop.
March 12, 2009 at 2:50 pm
To pull in 80,000 for the first show is only a measure of a good promo dept.
Lets wait until the second series….
March 12, 2009 at 6:46 pm
“All thirteen jokes are present, including the successful one.”
One of the best lines you’ve ever written. Also 100% correct!
March 19, 2009 at 2:41 pm
The show is rubbish.. I liked them before but as far as I’m concerned it is just like spending an evening with my male friend who enjoys the uncomfortable atmosphere around smacking bums (men’s) and blowing kisses (also at men).
Maybe he should get an obese mate so they can add in the (oh so funny) fat jokes and make a sketch show.
I hope it improves drastically or doesn’t appear on tv again.
Thanks
March 28, 2009 at 2:48 am
Best part was the End Credits