Big Brother’s Big Mouth

by

Fucking goon Russell Brand made his name through Big Brother’s Big Mouth, a show which seemed destined for failure from the off. Unknown presenter, no-budget set, limited material… it all seem somewhat empty. Given the fact that the only issues the audience would be able to discuss would be Big Brother related, it seemed like even the 20 odd minutes of time the show ran for would be light on content. But nobody (aside from Endemol) banked on Brand’s personality clicking with the national mood. His flights of fancy were often ludicrous, but he’s an erudite man with a very large vocabulary and an extraordinary gift for crafting sentences, so we forgave him all the talk of ball-bags and swines. The fact of the matter is, Brand was like an accommodating schoolteacher in his manic John Stapleton role, lurching around the seating areas, sitting on laps, poking his microphone into peoples faces. One second he would declare love for audience members, the next he would squeal at them in a Kenneth Williams voice, berating them for being ‘orrible pigs’. The format worked and in many ways was far more watchable than the main BB show itself.Sadly, whether it’s due to the Shilpa Shetty race war business or the turnaround in his career trajectory, Brand has opted not to take part any longer. A shrewd move, some would say, rather like a rodent hurtling itself from a sinking ship. I heard Brand wouldn’t be working on the show around March, though I don’t remember any press release being issued, just rumour and word of mouth. Clearly Endemol felt that if the news got out, Big Brother would be cursed. Let us not forget that Brand was their success story, where Davina and Dermott have institutionalised themselves by working on their own strands of the BB wig. I can’t see either of them successfully fronting their own shows in the future. Remember Davina’s talk show outing? I’m trying to forget it.

In the interim, a few rumours circulated about how this void would be filled. The strongest of these was that Peaches Geldof, offspring of a sanctimonious old anachronism and herself a vapid waste of molecules would be fronting BBBM. I, and I hope the rest of the show’s audience, was astonished and bemused. But then even worse news arrived. The Peaches rumours were unfounded. Chris Moyles would be fronting Big Mouth.

Chris Moyles.

Chris fucking Moyles.

Oh Christ. Thankfully it would only be for a week, and the role would be rotated among other celebrities – at least this is what we can interpret from the garbled mess of crap emenating from Moyles’ anus-mouth last night.

Moyles, for the uninitiated, is a sexist, occasionally clumsily racist, sweating micro-penis who fronts Radio 1’s breakfast output alongside his mate, ‘Comedy Dave’, the living misnomer. Every morning they bleat on about Leeds United (relegation’s what you need), birds and beers, garnering decent ratings because they appeal to the vast majority of the populace – i.e. other idiots. How Endemol thought it would be a great idea to replace a handsome, witty and manic presenter with a pot-bellied hog with the grace and language skills of a backwards walrus is beyond me.

Last night, his second attempt at fronting the programme, Moyles didn’t exactly impress. He waddled around the arena where Brand used to bounce round it, Tigger-like. He repeatedly called any male guest ‘fella’, probably the most annoying salutation since Maxwell called all and sundry ‘geezer’. He mocked one of the contestant’s weight, when that contestant probably weighs a stone or two less than him. In the past, he has been picked up by Haile Berry for having a ‘racist moment’, yet he decided a member of the audience ‘looked like Beyonce’, despite the fact there was no resemblance whatsoever besides skin colour. In addition to this, he insulted several other members of the audience without any semblance of humour, as bales of tumbleweed flew by.

The man is an arse. I hope this rumour of a week-long tenancy are proved to be true, otherwise Endemol, if it’s possible, have dumbed themselves even further into the dust.

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23 Responses to “Big Brother’s Big Mouth”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Let’s not burden Moyles with the ‘appealing to the majority of the populace’ tag – a cursory glance at the ratings will show you they’re all listening to Wogan reading out letters on Radio 2. Maybe the ‘majority of the populace’ aren’t all idiots after all? Certainly not idiot enough to listen to this blathering windbag.

    On a different subject, Question Time was very interesting last night – I had no idea Simon Shama gesticulated quite so much.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Fair point, well made. The fact remains Moyles is hugely popular and I can’t for the life of me figure it out.

    I thought you were more likely to pick me up on my championing of Brand rather than get me on a technicality…

  3. piqued Says:

    On account of Moyles I refused to watch it. I really don’t know how you managed it SH.

  4. Joe C Says:

    It’s OK Swineso, it’s not a rumour – Moyles is only fronting it for a week.

    It’s George Galloway next… Hopefully they’ll make him present the whole show reprising his phenomenal impression of a cat. That would seem to be the only way to make it even vaguely watchable.

    Following Galloway is Alexa Chung.

    On a Moyles related note, I once threw a sachet of tomato ketchup at him. It landed on his shirt. How we laughed.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Well done on your ketchup hurling, next time make it a cyanide-dart old bean.

    Alexa Chung has ruined any credibility she had. First she worked with desperate ringlet-face Alex ‘zany’ Zane then she went and worked alongside Benelton on the horrifically unfunny Get a Grip…

    The more I think about it, the more I realise I’m at a loss when trying to think of a decent replacement.

    Maybe that Nancy Lam character, the insane TV chef?

  6. Matt Says:

    Ramsay? He’s seemingly doing everything else these days.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Oh please God, no.

  8. Clair Says:

    Swineshead, Brand WAS brilliant. I loathe the phrase, but he was a ‘people person’, who rather seemed to enjoy bantering with Joe and Josephine Public (or Pubic, in Josephenes’ case). Moyles and his half-arsed replacements just indicate that there are no decent presenters around any more.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Fearne Cotton, Alex Zane, Steve Jones, these are a few of my least favourite things.

  10. piqued Says:

    Steve Jones, from The Sex Pistols?

    Is he doing TV now, you know, like Johnny Rotten and the bug programmes?

    COOL

    *eats more lead*

  11. One of The Hosts Says:

    Hello,

    I am one of the up-coming hosts and am cacking it. Give everyone a decent shot! Obviously I can’t comment in this review, but am eager to get in the studio. I think comedian / comic actor is the wat to go maybe. Your inside info is correct – Galloway, followed by Chun, then Avid Merrion, then Russell Kane, then Electric Forecast and maybe John McCruik. I’m later on. Be nice. x

  12. Swineshead Says:

    One of the Hosts – why are you anonymous?
    Be proud!

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    John McCrirrrirrickitierricrick? That fucking ogre? I had a horrible dream where I was forced to chew skin of his eczema-riddled feet as punishment for stealing race-horses. Ooooh it wasn’t a good dream.

  14. piqued Says:

    But the ‘ooooh’ part of your comment suggest otherwise (wet dream)

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It was more of an ‘ooooh’ than an ‘ooooh’.

  16. proudfoot Says:

    I think Moyles’ success is down to people laughing at his stupid, fat, sweaty butterball head rather than anything he actually says. Surely?
    The man is a bollock.

  17. Dominic Harvey Says:

    I agree with everything you say; but also … I like Chris Moyles.

  18. Kaveh Fazlali Says:

    Chris Moyles must be doing something right to get over 7 million people in Great Brition listening to his morning breakfast show.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    I’m sorry, Kaveh, but I don’t believe in the mythical land you call Great Brition.

  20. Lolly Says:

    I watched Russell Kane’s first night and he was brilliant, definitely the best so far! Seen him in stand up before and he is such a rising star! Tune in people or you’re missing out!

    x

  21. Swineshead Says:

    I agree Lolly, he was pretty damned strong. Used his nervousness to good effect.

  22. piqued Says:

    Yes, he wasn’t too bad

    Reckon he was the presenter that posted on here?

  23. Swineshead Says:

    Well the email from that anon bloke was David Stubbs, who apparently was the bloke who used to write for Melody Maker…

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