Big Brother 8 – 18.6.07

by

 Charley Big Brother 8

Thank fuck Shabs has gone. She was actually starting to cause me medical complications; so unremittingly illogical and affected was she that I was finding myself mentally rewinding back through pyschobabble comments in conversations just to assure myself that, yes, this is really a genuine psychopath I am watching. MIND (the charity for mental health) have openly criticised Channel 4 for allowing a Looney Tune onto their show. The psychologists on ‘On the Couch’ have clearly been briefed on damage limitation here, I mean Shabs could have genuinely lost it live on air, we’re not talking about the odd burst of random giggling here, we’re talking about a woman on all fours with someone’s bollock hanging out of her mouth.

If you care to go on Youtube and do a bit of research you’ll already know that a few weeks ago Shabs appeared on ‘Britain’s got Talent’ in a scene so mortifyingly toe-curling, my shoes nearly burst open. If this isn’t bad enough (it really is, watch with restraints) she also appeared on Channel 4’s embarrassing illnesses. Her ‘embarrassing illness’ was a bit of an itchy head, yet she pitched this medical irrelevance as if she had eyes for fucking nipples (or vice versa if you like).

This twat knows no bounds, you’ll see her again, probably on the news but I’m bracing myself for the gutter press to leak the story that she’s starring in an adult version of Happy Feet.

So, the new contestants. Frankly I don’t mind any of them, though how on earth how Billi has the balls to call himself a male model is beyond me. You could open a manhole with that nose. In addition he has the figure of Britney Speares, cameltoe included. Liam seems a nice straightforward sort, Jonathan could become a handful I think but at this stage, fine. Brian too seems okay, despite his Christopher Lee playing Dracula haircut and unashamed intention of doing something so disgusting to those twins I should imagine their father is muttering at a kitchen knife.

The rest of the housemates haven’t really done anything to cause a radical rethink of my recent blog on this topic. Laura, Nicky and Carole are odds on to win, I still don’t mind the Greek bloke despite his musical accent, Tracey is still barking like a rutting stag all the while gurning like Jim Bowen with cataplexy, Seany remains a prize blue-eyed berk and Chanelle is still a worrying combination of both the Barbies, the doll and Klaus Marie.

Fucking Charley is now the most awful housemate of all time. She seems unable to leave those melted plastic armpit implants alone, she fiddles with them perpetually. Sometimes one will poke out of her shirt like a dead otter’s head, always accompanied by an intense frown she’ll half heartedly try to drop it back into the position intended by nature. She always fails of course, hickory is more flexible. She’ll have someone’s eye out you mark my words.

Speaking of words, or to be more accurate, belt-fed mortar bursts of aggression being fired out of the mouth of the Gorgon, who is incandescent with rage because someone failed to respect her bogies, how does she manage to find time to inhale mid-oration? I’m convinced all that hair is some sort of crude third lung; it’s the only possible solution.

(She still has a cracking little botty though.)

The one housemate who has let themselves down most this week has to be Ziggy. He really doesn’t like any male competition at all, which is a fucking weird. He strutted about like Bernard Matthew’s pride cock for the first few days, his gander was goosed when the two new male housemates arrived but was visibly relieved when he found out that they (claimed) to be fairies.

He was just settling back into his alpha male role when four new male housemates arrive. This was too much, he looked physically sick as each one walked in and proverbially smacked the end of his engorged member sharply with the back of a cold spoon. The way he reacted to this threat was fascinating, and, dear reader, you must try and catch him at it, it’s so much fun in a despatching an injured fox way.

Ziggy gave me and I’m sure you, the impression that he was quite, well, poshish. Well spoken suburban type, clearly with an ego that spies on his self-consciousness with military precision but, nonetheless, more coherent than is necessary.

Now watch him talking to the new ‘lads’, he went from Lord and Lady Hamilton’s Lawn Tennis clubhouse in Royal Tunbridge Wells to selling pornographic postcards on the Ol’ Kent Road. This wasn’t a case of downward convergence; this was a 35 stone wide boy plummeting to his death from the top of Bow Church.

I’ve lost whatever respect I had for him; frankly, he may as well have just scrawled a schematised drawing of Che Guevara on his chest with one of his stools.

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8 Responses to “Big Brother 8 – 18.6.07”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    I rather liked Shabnam, she was endearingly odd. Far preferred her to that pointless weeble Laura.

    Brian is a black Butthead of ‘Beavis and…’ fame.

    Charley is excellent value. I hope she stays for as long as possible without winning. When she ‘cries’ I burst out laughing. Is pulling a face classed as crying these days?

  2. Roszszssszzzzzzzzzz Says:

    “Charley is excellent value. I hope she stays for as long as possible without winning.”

    Absolutely. ‘Without winning’ being the operative though, that would be horrific.

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You people should be stabbed! Big Brother indeed! Peasants!

    Has there been any good tits this year?

  4. piqued Says:

    ‘Stabbed for watching Big Brother’ implies a latent sexual need born from the desire to undertake forceful penetrative sex with non-human male mammals, possibly in the stages of post mortem.

    Put it into the same paradoxical context as ‘tits’ and we’re looking at about 16 and a half years worth of intense and expensive counselling just to get you on to the first stages of integration with what constitutes as ‘normal’ society, sir.

    (Carol’s, they’re fucking massive)

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Not a fan of the big ‘uns … and stick it, by the way. I’m too stupid to understand what you’ve written about me, but I imagine it’s not nice … so stick it.

  6. Proudfoot Says:

    I haven’t even been watching this utter shit since the first week, but somehow that Charley is still annoying me.
    I fear I may never recover.
    All I want to say is that Charley is pig rough and should stop deluding herself that she’s some kind of hot property. While I accept that her body is quite good, I would not tuck into a rotten piece of broccoli just because the stalk looked fine, if you get my meaning. Furthermore, she is also a deeply ugly specimen in terms of the content of her character and should be punished accordingly.
    This year’s BB is the worst and most brainless ever.

  7. ThaEssence Says:

    What on earth has happened with big brother over the past few series, there used to be loadsa full frontal female nudity, i wanna see some nakedness!

    Pah!

    It used to be the highlight of watching the programme.

  8. piqued Says:

    ThaEssence, I think I speak for all of us here on WWM, we welcome comments from lesbians. Thank you for posting

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