Eastenders

by

Nana Moon 

Sad news everyone – Nana Moon, otherwise known as Hilda Braid, passed away on the sixth of the month. R.I.P.

It’s in tribute to her brilliant performances in ‘Enders and Citizen Smith that I type the following:

Ooooooh! Foxy!

Anyway – what’s going on in the ‘Enders recently? I must’ve missed an episode somewhere along the line, because it seems that Manc bloke, Jase, is suddenly being pursued by herds of heavies, Gangs of New York style. Your archetypal Eastend gangsters have been following him for weeks now, and I can’t fathom it. You can tell they’re bad sorts because they cup their fags in their hands when they smoke – a sure sign of a criminal past. One or two of them wear leather. It’s terrifying.

Anyhow, Dawn’s in trouble, because she’s now his fancy-lady and this can only end in tears. On their first date they got grief from the likes of the repulsive Garry ‘obbs and the prune-faced Roxy before going straight back to hers. It’s only a half an hour show, so there’s no time to muck about, see? They did a kiss at the end of the show, which means, in Walford, that they also did sex and are now lovers.

Mickey turned up in his first solid storyline since he played second fiddle in Jase’s painter and decorator strand. He had about five lines and three minutes screentime. I can’t believe he gets a salary for that. He’s on about £100,000 a year for pretending to gladly take a fiver so he can go to the Vic, vacating the set so that the bigger players can do a scene. He is the proverbial spare prick at a wedding, except he’s getting paid one hundred grand annually for loitering. The bastard.

In other news, we learned that Honey is due to give birth to Billy’s child. The last one had downs syndrome, a source of much agonising all round. There’s uncertainty as they didn’t check for abnormalities with this pregnancy. When you think about it, there’s no need really – Billy’s the Dad – it’s bound to look warped. The poor child’s father looks like ET in a toupe. I don’t know why I’m banging on about it anyway, it’s bound to die before its born – this is Walford where infant mortality rates beat the rest of the country a dozen to one.

The best scene last night featured three human actors and four dogs, all of whom stole the show from their homo sapien colleagues. So here’s to Henry, Terrence, Genghis and Wellard being given a bit more screentime to stem the misery. Come on BBC bosses, you know it makes sense.

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26 Responses to “Eastenders”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I noticed Winston walking towards camera in one scene last night. I bet he’s not on £100,000 a year, and yet has about as much to do as Mickey. And the BBC wonders why the public is fed up with subsidising its stars’ ridiculous wages … PUT MICKEY ON WINSTON’S MONEY!

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I’m with you on that NC – in fact, it might be worth setting up a petition…

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Good idea. I’d also look into Gus’s wages too – surely they got rid of Robbie because a useless, dog-owning street cleaner didn’t make for a very interesting character? Then they went and replaced him with another useless, dog-owning street cleaner. Why? If he’s on more than Winston (and what IS his story anyway?), then it’s a bloody disgrace.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    We could maybe create our own backstory for Winston (including why and how he lost his dreadlocks for the Ronaldo circa 2002 world cup style crop). And we could do one for that Julie(?) lady who occasionally temps at the Queen Vic who, to my knowledge, has never had a line.

    RIP – Big Ron.

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I remember when he got annoyed when someone crashed into his stall. Perhaps he’s spent ten years plotting a terrible revenge on whoever it was crashed into his stall?

  6. Swineshead Says:

    And stealing Ronaldo’s styling tips.

    Why isn’t Ian Beale dead? I was promised he was going to die.
    I even started an article celebrating the life and times of Adam Woodyatt, but it had to be confined to ‘drafts’. To hell with those Eastenders-writing bastards.

  7. piqued Says:

    I’m rather surprised you both watch this crap…

    *opens door for abuse*

  8. Who Says:

    They’re always banging on about Ian Beale being the longest serving character, what crap. Winston’s been there as long as him, easily. He’s carved himself a nice 20 year career from flogging CD’s with no cases – what a legend. I wish I lived on Albert Square. I’d marry Winston and buy all my music from his stall. I don’t want jewel cases and artwork cluttering up my collection.

    Beale’s finest hour can be summed up in one word – Dogmarket.

  9. Gilbert Wham Says:

    When I was a yout’ I had a seventies-vintage porn mag with Pete Beale in it shagging a barmaid covered in whipped cream. No lie.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Gilbert – was it playbirds?

    By the way – sign the petition:

    http://www.thepetitionsite.com/3/equal-rights-for-winston

  11. piqued Says:

    Gilb, I think I saw that too… He wasn’t actually penetrating the lady with his wink though was he?

  12. Badger Madge Says:

    there’s also one of the ‘extras’ what occassionally gets a line or two. think she works on the market. she’s been there from one of the first eps too…

  13. mikey Says:

    Perhaps Julie and Winston could be an item? Have you seen Winston pay for his drinks?

  14. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’d just like to divert this discussion away from Mickey for a second to point out that those bird flu-ridden turkeys they’ve had to slaughter in Suffolk were organic, free-range birds. Eh, Piqued? Eh?

  15. piqued Says:

    Eh?

    *puts down tea*

    What are you telling me for?

    *nips off to the loo*

  16. Clarry Says:

    As a reigning ‘stenders quiz champion I have to inform you that that the name of the woman who temps at the Vic and who sometimes runs a stall (depending on who’s available that day as a glorified extra) is Tracie. And she has had one or two lines, but they normally consist of her shouting for Sharon/Phil/Peggy etc. up the stairs as there’s someone from the brewery here or some such thing. She is officially the longest serving part-time member of the cast.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    I still think Winston should be considered ahead of this Tracie character when it comes to the annual BBC pay review.

  18. Clarry Says:

    Winston nearly broke into a ‘proper’ storyline once or twice

  19. Clarry Says:

    There was an episode where he and Grant had a bet that he could pull a singer at the Vic. The hilarity ensued when it turned out that the singer was, in fact, a man in drag. And there was a story when he cut off his hair. He must have had bumper pay packets on those two occasions!

  20. Swineshead Says:

    1.) He picked up and dropped of Ethel just before she died.
    2.) He got a bit angry when someone ran over his stall.

    That’s it. Poor soul. Give him a starring role, says I.

  21. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I don’t remember him picking up The Ethel, but I do remember someone crashing into his stall. No idea who crashed into his stall.

    (Bernard’s just put his feet up)

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Bernard who?
    Is that code for ‘Bernard Matthews has just passed away’?
    Say it ain’t so!

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    No! Bernard’s putting his feet up secure in the knowledge that it wasn’t his turkeys wandering around outside getting ’emselves bird-flu.

  24. piqued Says:

    *flushes loo*

  25. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    *eats Bernard Matthews turkey slice with renewed confidence*

  26. Badger Madge Says:

    anyone notice mickey’s pseudo storyline t’other night? he got hit an everyfink…

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