You can say a lot of things about illegal downloads; that they constitute theft, that they ruin the entertainment industries, that they weaken the cultural effect of movies and music – but one criticism that can’t be levelled at them is that they don’t half save you from paying good money to watch utter shit.

If I’d paid £7 to watch Hancock at the cinema, for example, or handed over £4 to rent the DVD and subsequently watched this tower of crap, I would have been angry and upset. As it stands, with a bittorrent at my fingertips, I was left with no resentment towards the filmmakers or cinema – just a sense of guilt and regret and a new found resolution to not give my time up so willingly in the future.

Will Smith is Hancock, an alcoholic superhero who is more of a hazard than a help. Flying drunkenly around the city he destroys pretty much everything he comes into contact with and costing the city millions of dollars in damages. So far so good.

He saves the life of charity PR man Jason Bateman who then sets about restoring his image and making him a better superhero. Also so far so good. He goes to jail voluntarily and returns as a reformed man, and begins to do battle with uber-villain Eddie Marsan. Equally so far so good.

That’s half the movie and it’s pretty good – not great, but pretty good; Will Smith isn’t exactly a bastard but he’s kind of fun, the story is pretty interesting and there’s some good jokes and action to keep you involved. Jason Bateman doesn’t come close to the highs of Arrested Development, but as anyone who’s a fan of that show will know that just having him onscreen is a pleasure.

At this point you’re enjoying the movie and all is well. Then they do something*; something that some people may call a ‘daring plot twist’ and others may refer to as a ‘brave story development’ but that I will simply describe as a ‘rubbish and stupid contrivance that utterly ruins the movie’.

Suddenly everything changes; characters are forgotten, storylines abandoned, the rules of the world alter and you find all your interest and curiosity dropped instantly. The film becomes about something else and changes tone, almost as if Bryan Singer were replaced by Brett Ratner half way through shooting. It becomes really boring.

Much like with Will Smith’s last rubbish movie – I Am Legend – everything starts out well and then turns shockingly bad. Does he no longer read scripts all the way through, or is it a deal with the studio where the first part can be all moody and slow as long as the second can be loud and stupid?

What makes this film so bad is not that the two halves are that terrible – they’re not – it’s that together they count each other out. That you enjoyed the first half is forgotten by the end of the second, so annoyed you are at the instant switch that occurs. All the goodwill and fine work thus far is obliterated by the silly story.

And so it ends. By this point I was playing with the cat and my lady was doing the washing up. I have no idea what the point was, just that I know I’ll never get that time back – but thank god I didn’t pay for it.


*Want to know what happens that makes it all stupid? Highlight the text below.

It turns out that Hancock has amnesia and forgot that Jason Batemans wife is actually his wife who is also a superhero and his greatest weakness because they are actually 3,000 year old gods who were built as a pair but lose their powers when they’re together and they have to team up quickly to fight Eddie Marsan who has inexplicably learned all of this whilst in prison and is trying to kill people in a hospital he is killed and they must part to keep their powers and so Hancock flies to the moon to print Jason Batemans charity logo on it and thus save the world through the power of branding.

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220 Responses to “Hancock”

  1. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Thank you. I was hesitating whether to watch it or not, now I know. I don’t like Will Smith all that much anyhow. Haven’t seen anything with him since “I, Robot”, I think. As for Mr Bateman – undoubtedly he lights up the screen as usual, but still, I’d rather rewatch Arrested Development. Wouldn’t anyone? Well, anyone with taste, that is.

  2. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Weekend must have been something, eh guys? Had fun? Sore head? Slowwww start today.
    Well, not for me, I’ve been up since 6 AM, you lazy sods.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Jason Bateman – I will always remember him for 80s sitcom ‘It’s Your Move’ which I watched religiously. I’ve seen a few Arrested Developments and, by crikey, it’s funny stuff.

  4. Toothed Varmint Says:

    You NEED to watch all 3 seasons of AD, Swineshead. Do yourself a favour. It really is brilliant.

  5. Napoleon Says:

    Unlike Mr. Quincy, I did go to the cinema to see this, and was angry at the end. Quincy’s completely right – the last bit makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever. They’re doing this a lot with films nowadays: Iron Man’s villain’s motives for getting rid of Iron Man would fuck up the company the villain is trying to steal, Tne Dark Knight has no point to it, Indiana Jones turns out to have something vague to do with aliens, etc. etc. Let’s just hope that next year’s crop o’ fluff bothers with that old ‘beginning / middle / end’ malarky that used to serve films so well.

  6. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I was really disappointed with Iron Man. What’s all the fuss is about?

  7. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I can’t type properly. I am cold and hungry.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Hancock also steals its premise from an old, not great 80s film starring Alan Arkin. See link, fact fans…


  9. Napoleon Says:

    Iron Man was alright, though they could have shoved a bit more Iron Man in it. It was certainly better than The Incredible Hulk, and magnificent in comparison to the monstrous Dark Knight.

  10. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think I’ve seen that Captain Incredible film. By the look of the poster, I feel I should have done.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t bother with superhero films any more. Batman Begins was as boring as my bottom. (Pretty boring).

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Like Hancock, if I remember rightly that Alan Arkin film has a great opening, then fizzles out.

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Superhero films suffer from the conceit that the subject matter is anything but kids’ fluff. The Dark Knight’s writers appeared to think the lead character was as important a fictional character as Don Corleone, and treated him as such. They should lay off the introspection, and get back to fellas in their underpants walloping mad people with big helmets.

  14. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Superhero films just aren’t what they used to be. And they weren’t much to start with.
    Personally, I like the Powdered Toast man.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    And they should all lay off the CGI because it looks like shit

    I watched a film called Midnight Meat Train last night which was quite good, despite starring Vinnie Jones.

  16. Napoleon Says:

    I’m getting this in early, by the way, as I believe I’m a strong contender today. A visit to the butcher’s on Saturday has delivered unto me the holy trinity of snack foods. For my lunch, I will be eating:

    A pork pie (The Father)
    A Scotch egg (The Son)
    A sausage roll (The Holy Ghost)

    Plus tea.

  17. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Midnight Meat Train sounds well porny, though. Vinnie Jones must really need the work.

  18. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Pie, egg AND roll? That’s a very admirable dedication to processed pork meat, Napoleon.

  19. Napoleon Says:

    The CGI doesn’t always look shit. Iron Man’s CGI was very good, for example. It’s when they can’t be arsed with it that it throws a film. There’s these gophers in Indiana Jones that are worse (if you can believe it) than the wolves in The Day After Tomorrow.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Processed? Damn you, Varmint! These are hand carved by my friendly local butcher, not cobbled together in a stinking Lincolnshire factory. Processed, indeed!

  21. ugeine Says:

    I wish I would have packed something other then mushroom soup now I know what I’m competing with.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    Mushroom soup? Mushrooms? On their own? In a soup??

  23. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I knew that the epithet “processed” would rile you, Napoleon. That’s just horseplay. On a more serious note – aren’t you afraid, that your innards are going to be clogged with pork? I’m just demonstrating my caring side here, you understand.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    No bacon there, NC – could be problematic.

    I don’t think I’ve seen a worse CGI wolf than the CGI wolves in American Werewold in Paris.

  25. Swineshead Says:


  26. Napoleon Says:

    TV – I would be afraid if I’d swallowed the nutritionists’ nonsenses over the last few years. As I didn’t, no I’m not.

  27. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I haven’t thought about lunch yet, but will it be cheating to plan on consuming a hot bacon roll? I really fancy it.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    The CGI wolves in An American Werewolf in Paris are bad, though I still believe the ones in The Day After Tomorrow are the worst that have ever been committed to the screen.

  29. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I REALLY fancy it. Lots of hot crispy bacon in a white roll with plenty of red sauce… That’s it, I’m getting it, sod the inevitable backlash…

  30. Swineshead Says:

    We could have a wolf-off if you fancy sourcing some images. Let the people decide.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    TV – Obviously you need to watch what crisps and yoghurt/choc combo you include. Don’t underestimate the point-scoring prowess of the sundries.

  32. Toothed Varmint Says:

    For my money, the best worst CGI effects are in that masterpiece of shite that is “Alone in the dark” with Tara Reid and Christian Slater.
    Uve Boll rules.

  33. Toothed Varmint Says:

    OK, SH, I am going to be real careful with my choices. I know what’s at stake here.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    We could have a wolf-off, if I could be arsed. Instead, I suggest we agree that I’m right about this, and leave it at that.

  35. ugeine Says:

    NP: They’re ‘wild’ mushrooms, the soup is Convent Gardens. I think this is the first time anybody will get minus points for lunch.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – I’m sorry, I thought that was a man’s name you had there. My apologies, dear lady.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    Depends what crisps you get, Ugeine…

  38. Dave Says:

    By all accounts there’ll be countless other Superhero movies hitting the cinemas next year – all with soppy Emo teenagers using confusing puberty for being super.

    The Watchmen’s the latest effort, and they’re all the sodding same. Smallville, Heroes, Spiderman – all rubbish.

    Captain America’s going to sell well internationally though, the numpties.

  39. Toothed Varmint Says:

    You’re both wrong, the worst CGI wolf was in “300”. Just the one, but boy was it ridiculous…

  40. Nick of the T Says:

    “Nick T is away from his desk this week*

  41. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I am waiting for The Watchmen with dread… They ARE going to fuck it up, I just know it.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Ah, but the one in 300 was done like that to resemble the badly-drawn one in the comic book, TV. The Day After Tomorrow’s wolves were supposed to be real world wolves, not stylised ones.


  43. Dave Says:

    They should redo Spawn though. The nineties version was crap, SUPERcrap (see what I did?).

  44. Napoleon Says:

    I borrowed Watchmen off of Swineshead’s eldest brother years ago. I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about, frankly. It struck me as a bit dull, and there weren’t enough people in their underpants ka-powing giant-helmeted mad people (the point of comic books).

  45. Toothed Varmint Says:

    To be fair, I haven’t seen The Day After Tomorrow. Roland Emmerich? Dennis Quaid? Screw that, life’s too short and painful as it is.

    So, yeah, I’ll let you win this time, Napoleon. I am like that – honest and fair to a fault.

  46. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I liked the Black Buccaneer storyline from The Watchmen. They are not going to include it in the film, the pricks.

  47. Dave Says:

    They should do a comic book with Nazi superheroes fighting Justice League in Nazi Germany. Hitler could be a massive mecha-droid, whatever that is, made of steal and the size of a small Bravarian village.

    Supernazis in Nazi Germany: The Movie.

  48. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Dave, they probably will do such a comic-book. For all we know, the Japanese might have already done it. With some deviant sex-practices thrown in.

  49. Quincy Phd Says:

    I am finding your discussion about CGI wolves most entertaining – I’d like to throw the whole animal cast of 10,000 B.C. in there as well. What is it about Roland Emmerich and crap CGI creatures?

  50. Quincy Phd Says:

    Captain America fought the Nazi’s I believe – as explained at the beginning of this here video: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=mFBsz0hgBto

  51. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Well, I might be jumping the gun, but my hunger was too great to wait any longer.
    So – hot bacon roll with red sauce, salt-and-vinegar Discos and a large Snickers. Plus a large, sweet, hot latte with an espresso thown in.
    I suspect that Discos will be my downfall in this competition. But them’s the breaks.

  52. Swineshead Says:

    Any CGI is bad. I can’t think of any good CGI.

    Van Helsing gave me a migraine – I should’ve sued.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    The discos are fine but the latte / espresso aspect docks you two points from your perfect ten. As such you’re level-pegging with NC on 8/10.

    I’m personally only putting in a 7/10 today with a can of coke, hula hoops and a cheese and pickle on white bread – credit crunch and payday being what they are.

  54. Quincy Phd Says:

    There is some good and practical uses of CGI, but by and large it ruins films – ‘Wanted’ being a prime example, so computer effects laden that there’s no sense of excitement or action, just the relentless bursts of bluegreen safe wire swinging.

    Van Helsing was so terrible it’s not even worth mentioning in a list of terrible films as it drags the others down further than they need to be.

  55. Napoleon Says:

    That’s a bit of a sweeping statement. Bill Nihey’s octopus captain character in Dead Man’s Chest was a cracking bit o’ CGI. And does WALL-E count? If it does, then that was superbly done CGI.

  56. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Arrrgh! I was thinking of just a can of Coke, but wanted something hot and with more kick!
    Live and learn, eh. There’s always tomorrow, though.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    I’m ‘aving tea. Good, old-fashioned, British tea. From India.

  58. Dave Says:

    Superman thought the Nazis as well. I think he recently took on the Taliban as well. God bless him.

    We all know Samuel L Jackson getting gobbled in Deep Blue Sea is the worst example of cgi in the whole world. It was like a Playstation game.

  59. Quincy Phd Says:

    Fair point, actually. The effects in Pirates are brilliant, even if the films are not. I suppose it’s down to application and quality and the safe hands of good filmmakers…

  60. Napoleon Says:

    Dave – That bit wasn’t the worst example. What about the Scorpion King at the start of The Mummy? Fucking appalling, that was.

  61. Dave Says:

    Thought the Nazis? I’m going bloody senile, and i didn’t have much to be going with anyway.

    Thought the Nazis? I’m going to slam my fingers into a door when I get home, for everyone’s sake.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    Quincy – The pirates films are beautiful to look at. I watched At World’s End on a screen the size of a small country with my jaw almost permanently on the floor. Shame the plot made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

  63. charliemingles Says:

    I watched saw last night. What a pile of shite that was.

  64. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I thought that the effects in LOTR were fine. Better than fine, actually.

  65. Dave Says:

    What was the music video for Money for Nothing all about? That convinced nobody.

  66. Quincy Phd Says:

    The vampires in I Am Legend were fucking atrocious – like the end of Scorpion King but with hundreds of them. Utterly ruined that movie, they did.

  67. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Saw I swithched off before the first ad break. It was torture.
    See what I’ve just done?

  68. Swineshead Says:

    Saw was alright. The first one. The rest are very poor indeed.

  69. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve seen four out of five of those damned films, and hated every single one. I’ll check out Saw V tonight to see if it’s as rancid as the other ones were.

  70. Quincy Phd Says:

    Napoleon – why not hedge your bets and assume you’ll hate 5 too…? Save yourself £12 or however much it is down your way.

  71. charliemingles Says:

    I very much enjoy good horror films, but they have to have a supernatural element – otherwise its just sadistic people torturing each other. which is both tedious and unpleasant.

  72. Swineshead Says:

    Free on the internet superhighway, Quincy…

    Come on, the first one was at least inventive…

  73. Quincy Phd Says:

    The CGI in the Langoliers is hilarious:

  74. charliemingles Says:

    I still have Halloween recorded to watch. havent seen that for years and really looking forward to it. Also just watched the directors cut of The Exorcist. God thats a great movie. the original was good, but that longer version – every single tiny new scene adds something to the film. superb.

  75. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Out of all modern horror films I really liked The Descent.
    Oh, and REC was pretty decent too.

  76. Swineshead Says:

    The Exorcist is the most overrated horror film in history. And that is a fact.

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

    A boxing vicar

    I suppose it depends on how much credence you give to religious dogma. Doesn’t scare me in the slightest.

  77. Dave Says:

    Saw is actually classed as ‘torture porn’, so draw your own conclusions please.

  78. Napoleon Says:

    Quincy – I’ve never paid to watch a Saw film. Even when they’re brand new, you always find a DVD screener quality version on the internet. I usually watch stuff like that streamed on watch-movies.net

  79. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I watched Machine Girl the other night. God, that was fucking demented and not in a good way. And badly done too.

  80. Swineshead Says:

    The Descent was shit!

    REC, I grant you, was fucking ace. The remake, Quarantine, is shit.

  81. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – it was a pleasant day on Friday. Guess why?

  82. Quincy Phd Says:

    Halloween is still funking brilliant and, thankfully, unsoiled by the Rob Zombie atrocity that came out last year. The Exorcist I never got on with too well – I know it’s meant to be brilliant but I saw it for the first time when it reissued and most people in the cinema were laughing through it…

  83. Napoleon Says:

    The Exorcist is boring as fuck. Of all those old Seventies creepolas, I liked Don’t Look Now the best.

  84. Swineshead Says:

    Exactly QPHD – it’s laughable.

    Halloweens alright. Not scary, as such. Just a good thriller.

  85. Swineshead Says:

    Don’t Look Now surpasses horror though. It’s a proper film, like.

  86. Dave Says:

    Because Twisted Pictures officially classed the film with some sick new genre. I’m not making it up, that’s what they call it.

  87. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I tried wanking to Saw, but it was futile. My wim is gone, I fear.

  88. Napoleon Says:

    You can get ‘orrors that are ‘proper films’ though. The Shining’s a proper film, as is Zombie Strippers.

  89. Toothed Varmint Says:

    I liked The Descent. I am afraid of women.

  90. Toothed Varmint Says:

    The Exorcist is dull and ponderous. I prefer The Omen.

  91. charliemingles Says:

    Dont look now. Wasnt that the one about the annoying little midget getting followed around all the time?

    Bob Dylan, I think he was called.

  92. charliemingles Says:

    omen great. shining great. nightmare on elm street (original) great.

  93. Napoleon Says:

    Anyone see Amateur Porn Star Killer 2? That was excellent. As good, if not better, than Shark Swarm.

    Imagine that – A swarm of sharks. Sharks like wasps. Yikes!

  94. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Anyway, I might not be original, but I’d choose The Thing as the scariest film. Like, proper scary.

  95. Napoleon Says:

    The Thing isn’t half as scary as Witchcraft 13: Blood of the Chosen.

  96. Swineshead Says:

    The first nightmare on elm street has some scary bits, but mostly it’s shit.

    You do, NC, occasionally get high quality horror films. But it’s a genre that thrives more on rubbish like mirrors or Hostel (though I enjoyed that)having a sell out weekend.

    Got hold of the uncut Cannibal Holocaust over the weekend. Might have to watch that when the missus is out with some heavy drugs, vaseline and kleenex.

  97. Quincy Phd Says:

    The Thing is one of the greatest ever films, let alone scary films. It’s a work of genius that movie.

    Speaking of Sharks… they’re loose in Venice and being fought by a Baldwin!

  98. charliemingles Says:

    This is pretty good, very short and on topic:


  99. Swineshead Says:



  100. Napoleon Says:

    I’d say the rubbish is the highlight of the genre. Remember Microwave Massacre? Surely a contender for worst film ever made? That’s what’s great about the internet, you can watch tonnes of shitty horror movies and nobody can stop you.

  101. Dave Says:

    Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan is a good horror, mainly because Manhatten isn’t featured in the film whatsoever. There are some great deaths too – one involving an electrical guitar. Imagine it.

  102. Napoleon Says:

    He gets there in the end, doesn’t he (Jason to NY)? What was the one where he was in hell?

  103. Napoleon Says:

    I thought the Jason in space one was alright.

  104. Dave Says:

    No. He finds himself in some weird docks which could or could not be in Manhatten.

    The I ❤ NY poster campaign was great though.

    Jason in Hell was it simply called? Jason X was the one where he was in space as a robot or something.

  105. Swineshead Says:

    I remember the electric guitar bit – it was a Japanese rock chick who got that through the gut. Much chuckling when that came onscreen round my house.

    Jason X – Jason goes to hell. A terrible film, but not as bad as Freddy V Jason.

  106. Quincy Phd Says:

    I believe that Manhatten appears at the end of the movie, when the cruise ship finally rolls into port… of course it’s actually Vancouver because they couldn’t afford to shoot in NYC.

    At least they tried.

    Jason X: Jason in Space is a work of genius, if only for the scene where he’s dropped into a virtual reality studio with two nubile drug smoking teen girls who just won’t die.

  107. Quincy Phd Says:

    I think Jason Goes to Hell was number 9…
    X was, obviously, 10 and Freddie Vs Jason was 11…

  108. Swineshead Says:

    I’m confused now… they should never have gone beyond Jason V really.

  109. charliemingles Says:

    I agree with Quincy on the thing, great atmosphere. Youre all wrong about the exorcist though, but I forgive you.

    … e nominae patrae ae philitus sancte …

    Ive also got a feature-length documentary on Alesteir Crowley to watch – the wickedest man in the world.

  110. Swineshead Says:

    Jesus. 11 of them. It’s ridiculous.
    5’s alright as it features a Massive pair of knockers. Sadly the owner of the knockers has her gut lacerated with some shears just after whipping them out for the gentlemen in the audience.

  111. Napoleon Says:

    It has Times Square in it. That’s not in Vancouver, as far as I’m aware.

  112. Swineshead Says:

    Ive also got a feature-length documentary on Alesteir Crowley to watch – the wickedest man in the world.

    I’ve got court footage of Jeffrey Dahmer’s trial to watch this week. A slightly more wicked individual than your man Crowley.

  113. charliemingles Says:

    I havent seen any of these Jason movies. sounds like hes got his own travelogue show to rival both stephen fry and paul merton’s.

  114. ugeine Says:

    Freddy Vs Jason: About as brilliant as it sounds. Horror Crossovers work so well. I remember watching The Shining and thinking ‘it would be ace if the girl from the Exorcist just ran in now and raised some Hell’.

  115. Napoleon Says:

    I can’t remember number five. What was the one where he gets melted like that bloke off of Robocop?

  116. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What about Hellraiser?
    First one – great.
    Second one – demented, but entertaining.
    The rest – …

  117. charliemingles Says:

    Jeffrey Dahmer was insane . theres quite a difference.

  118. Quincy Phd Says:

    Friday 13th
    Friday 13th Part 2
    Friday 13th Part 3
    Friday 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter
    Friday 13th Part 5: A New Beginning
    Friday 13th Part 6: Jason Lives
    Friday 13th Part 7: The New Blood
    Friday 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhatten
    Friday 13th Part 9: Jason Goes to Hell
    Jason X: Evil Gets an Upgrade
    Freddie vs Jason

    and the original is being remade right now.

  119. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Anyway, I like Chucky and his bride.

  120. Swineshead Says:

    I’m sure the directors of Friday 18th: Part Eight could afford to film in NY if the makers of Frankenhooker managed it…

  121. Dave Says:

    And Scream was a very good franchise, far better than people give it credit for. They got that perfect.

  122. Napoleon Says:

    Scream was rubbish. It was too smart-arsed for my liking.

  123. Swineshead Says:

    Jeffrey Dahmer was insane . theres quite a difference.

    Not according to the jury, Mingles.

  124. Quincy Phd Says:

    We’re all right.

    “The scenes set in Times Square, and in the ocean looking at the Statue of Liberty, were the only scenes actually filmed in Manhattan; the rest was filmed in Vancouver, British Columbia. This made the film the first in the series to be filmed mainly in Canada, a practice that would continue in Jason X and Freddy Vs. Jason.”


  125. Quincy Phd Says:

    First Scream was great, 2nd was pretty bad and 3rd was dreadful.

    That’s the point though, it was all deliberate – they’re being clever by following the law of diminishing quality for horror sequels. Aaaaaaah!

  126. Swineshead Says:

    Scream has dated badly. Not a classic by any stretch…

  127. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t remember number five. What was the one where he gets melted like that bloke off of Robocop?

    There’s nowhere near enough toxic waste in modern film.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    On a different subject, wasn’t it lovely of Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross to ring up a 78 year old man and brag that Brand had fucked his grandaughter? What comedy genuises those two are, the fucking shitbags.

  129. Toothed Varmint Says:

    What happened to the guy who wrote Scream? лevin something. For a while he was the shit, the ironic-horror scrinwriter du jour, but then he just dissappeared. Probably a good thing, actually.

  130. Swineshead Says:

    I’m afraid I laughed when I heard that Russell Brand podcast. The first call was quite funny.

    Repeating the trick spoiled things, admittedly. But still – hey ho.

  131. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Brand, Ross, Gervais… Arses, the lot of them.
    I tell you what – Spooks tonight to do with Russia, sounds delicious. I hate Spooks, but this I’ll watch. Hopefully – without putting my fist through the screen.

  132. Napoleon Says:

    Suggesting he might kill himself was hilarious, wasn’t it? Ho ho!

  133. Swineshead Says:

    The Scream writer wrote Dawson’s Creek as well I think. Kevin Williams(?).
    He overwrites everything he touches – and has teenagers conducting Freudian analysis on their parents’ actions.

  134. Swineshead Says:

    The Scream writer wrote Dawson’s Creek as well I think. Kevin Williams(?).
    He overwrites everything he touches – and has teenagers conducting Freudian analysis on their parents’ actions.

  135. indy Says:

    The Scream writer wrote Dawson’s Creek as well I think. Kevin Williams(?).
    He overwrites everything he touches – and has teenagers conducting Freudian analysis on their parents’ actions.

  136. Napoleon Says:

    I’m wondering who they’ll sacrifice in this new series of Spooks. Remember when they dunked that girl’s head into a deep fat fryer? That was fun family viewing. Gave me the willies, did that.

  137. Quincy Phd Says:

    The Scream writer wrote Dawson’s Creek as well I think. Kevin Williams(?).
    He overwrites everything he touches – and has teenagers conducting Freudian analysis on their parents’ actions.

  138. Napoleon Says:

    The Scream writer wrote Dawson’s Creek as well I think. Kevin Williams(?).
    He overwrites everything he touches – and has teenagers conducting Freudian analysis on their parents’ actions.


  139. indy Says:

    Quincy Phd: welcome aboard!

  140. charliemingles Says:


  141. Quincy Phd Says:

    He also directed a movie where Katie Holmes kidnaps her mean highschool teacher. It was originally called ‘Killing Mrs Tingle’ but after some real kids gone and done a similar thing they changed it to ‘Teaching Mrs Tingle’.

    Still shit no matter what it was called.

  142. charliemingles Says:

    two grandmaster ‘cocks’ players there viewers. I hope youre taking notes.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    Wasn’t that a remake? I remember seeing something called ‘Killing Mrs So-‘n’-so’ at about four in the morning.

  144. Swineshead Says:

    WordPress went mental. But I appreciate the hilarious gag there, guys.


  145. Napoleon Says:

    It does that from time to time. You get that ‘Ooops!’ message, even though you only pressed ‘Submit Comment’ once. THE BASTARDS.


  146. charliemingles Says:

    I am a dyslexic, sex-starved, Scotch moron.

    And a


  147. Swineshead Says:

    Wouldn’t go that far, CM.

  148. charliemingles Says:

    bastard Swineshead! How did you do that. you cheeky cunt.

  149. Swineshead Says:

    Magic fingers.

  150. charliemingles Says:

    im reporting you to the internet regulation watchdog, which is called …

    hang on …


  151. charliemingles Says:

    I am an idiot and have a small wee-wee.


  152. indy Says:

    hang on! if swineshead can write his on comments on WWM this must mean that we are all free! we can leave this cell and go on with our lives. we just give him our aliases.

  153. Swineshead Says:

    I am an idiot and have a small wee-wee.


  154. charliemingles Says:

    the equilibrium has been restored.

  155. Dave Says:

    Torture Porn.

  156. Swineshead Says:

    Dave – that’s very clever that, though nobody (including me) will have any idea why you keep repeating those two words.

    WordPress had some downtime then – everyone oK?

  157. indy Says:


  158. charliemingles Says:
  159. Napoleon Says:

    I’m just about holding up.

  160. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Still here. Battered but unbound.

  161. charliemingles Says:

    I have a small wee-wee.

  162. Swineshead Says:

    Good to see we all survived.

  163. charliemingles Says:

    you werent there maaan. you werent there!

  164. ugeine Says:

    It’s Dead Set tonight!

  165. Toothed Varmint Says:

    Dead Set? Mark my words – it’s going to be crap.
    I’ve got intuition.

  166. ugeine Says:

    I don’t know. I’ve been a fan of Charlie ever since the PC Zone days, so even if it is crap I’ll probably still get a kick out of it. People hated Nathan Barley and I thought that was great.

  167. Swineshead Says:

    Someone I know’s seen it – first half rubbish, second half good.

  168. indy Says:

    nathan barley was great (except for the last episode that was just silly) and so was the veryphonics art work.

    i expect to find dead set on the internet within a couple of days…

  169. Swineshead Says:

    It’ll probably be on sooner… can you do torrents, Indy?

  170. Dave Says:

    The cinematography alone is grabbing my interest. The premise sounds as original as a Tim Burton blockbuster though.

  171. Swineshead Says:

    The bits I’ve seen outside of the trailer are as gruesome as any recent zombie smash so it’s set to be good. One bit with a fire-extinguisher… ergh

  172. indy Says:

    did anyone read the charlie brooker interview in the guardian? and is there anyone but me who thinks that there has been a dip in the quality of his columns lately? i didn’t like the one about him going on vacation and the one about youtube/katona was below average as well…

    /indy, permanently below average

  173. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t know what this Dead Set is. I keep meaning to look it up, but can’t be arsed. Does it clash with Watchdog?

  174. Dave Says:

    Have you seen Flight of the Living Dead, SH? I loved every second – don’t bother with many zombie flicks these days.

  175. Napoleon Says:

    I did see that via the wonder of the internet, Dave. As is usually the case with zombie movies, it was utter, utter shit.

  176. Napoleon Says:

    Also, it’s been reviewed on here before.

  177. Dave Says:

    Has it? Well, I though it was good fun. I enjoyed it.

  178. indy Says:

    the wonder of the internet – gives every advance discovered by two other civilizations

    – sid meier

  179. Napoleon Says:

    I didn’t understand that quote.

  180. ugeine Says:

    Indy: Which columns do you mean? The Vegas one is a travel column, so obviously not going to be one of his better pieces of work. I think the youtube one was on his blog, wasn’t it? As for the rest of his writing, screenwipe, is as funny (though less regular) as ever. I still think he’s at his best writing about computer games or television, as a games journalist, there isn’t anybody else as entertaining as him. Maybe Yatzhee at zeropunctuation.

  181. indy Says:

    nap: civilization quote (the computer game)

    ugeine: i’ve only read the weekly columns from the guardian website (the screen wipe ones are better, i agree with you there)

  182. ugeine Says:

    Oh, you mean his blog? Yeah, they’re not as good.

  183. Napoleon Says:

    Oh, right. I’m afraid I never got past the first ten minutes of Civilisation IV as I’m too dumb to understand anything above the level of pointing a gun at something either Nazi or undead (or both).

  184. indy Says:

    nap: you don’t know what you’re missing.

  185. Napoleon Says:

    I got on alright with that Pirates! of his. Enjoyed the sea battles and what-have-you. The same can’t be said for the ponderous dancing sections or the pain-in-the-arse sword fighting malarky.

  186. ugeine Says:

    I used to love a bit of civ when I was a kid. Understood about 6% of it, mind.

  187. Dave Says:

    Sid Meier did Sim City as well, I believe. That was good on the Amiga A1200.

  188. indy Says:

    yup. agree. the sword fighting scenes were a pain in the arse. i always had to rely on superior numbers of men or bombardments.

  189. Napoleon Says:

    I had the ludicrously complicated Sim City IV. It used to drive me up the wall the way you’d set umpteen thousand budgets and utilities up, and STILL a neighbourhood would fall on its arse for no reason. You needed to be Einstein to juggle that bastard correctly. Give me Nazis any day. You can you know where you are with Nazis … in a manner of speaking, obviously.

  190. indy Says:

    i gave up simcity iv for building my own zoo on the “roar” site of bbc

  191. ugeine Says:

    Dave: That’s Will Wright. You’re mixing up your 90s strategy games moguls there. A bit like saying Arsene Wenger manages Man United.

  192. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t think it really matters who did these things, does it? They’re all just blobs on screen. Just blobs …

  193. ugeine Says:

    Sim City gave me the biggest religious awakening I’ve ever had. I built an entire city, like some kind of God / labourer, and there it sat, in all it’s majesty. And that was it. It got to the point where they didn’t even need me. I would load up the game and just stare at it for ten minutes. So I got bored, and destroyed it with earthquakes and whatnot. Then, finally, I understood the nature of god himself.

  194. indy Says:

    ugeine: demiurge. esoterica. etc.

    i played simcity I and II. otherwise i prefer civ (played all, excl civ III) including call to power and alpha centauri. excellent ways to kill lots of time.

  195. Dave Says:

    Elite’s getting remade with graphics, like. I played that as a young’n.

    But the best game I’ve played is Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune. If you have a console thing, buy it.

  196. Swineshead Says:

    I played Bubble Bobble.

  197. Swineshead Says:

    I played Bubble Bobble.

  198. ugeine Says:

    Is Uncharted really that good? I might buy it if it is.

  199. Swineshead Says:

    I played Bubble Bobble.

  200. Swineshead Says:

    I played Bubble Bobble.

  201. Swineshead Says:

    I played Bubble Bobble.

  202. Napoleon Says:

    I, too, played Bubble Bobble.

  203. Swineshead Says:

    WordPress is fucked!

  204. Swineshead Says:


  205. Napoleon Says:

    Loads of the pictures have disappeared now. Do you think it’s pirates employed by Blogger?

  206. charliemingles Says:


    main headline on Radio 4’s PM just now is the Russel Brand/Andrew Sachs story.

    That’s pretty fucking serious.

  207. Napoleon Says:

    What the fuck? Where have all the other comments gone?

  208. Napoleon Says:

    What the fuck? Where have all the other comments gone?

  209. charliemingles Says:

    my news spurt appears to have been deleted.

  210. Napoleon Says:

    Eh? Now some of the Bubble Booble ones are back, yet my previous comment never appeared. This site has gone to piss in a handcart.

  211. ugeine Says:

    I can see all the comments…

    I had a dream that Russel Brand shagged a friend of mine last night.

  212. charliemingles Says:

    my comments keep getting deleted.


  213. charliemingles Says:

    ryeahrew tywn tuyn5euem5im7i6r7imr6ti7tr

  214. charliemingles Says:

    thank fuck I never said anything important, influential and hilarious – like wot I usually does.

  215. Napoleon Says:

    I had a dream that I was trapped in a university last night. It was a pretty shit dream, to be honest.

  216. Clarry Says:

    “I’m wondering who they’ll sacrifice in this new series of Spooks. Remember when they dunked that girl’s head into a deep fat fryer? That was fun family viewing. Gave me the willies, did that.”

    In Sleazeford a few years ago a man had his hand deep fried by some baddies in a kebab shop (a case of mistaken identity apparently). I remember being completely grossed out by this, not only because of the severity of the attack, but I also had great concern that the kebab shop wouldn’t change the oil afterwards. Eugh!

  217. Swineshead Says:

    Mmm. Tasty hand snack. Conveniently located on the end of your arm.


  218. Swineshead Says:

    These baddies – who were they the henchmen of? Or were they, more specifically, ‘goons’?

  219. daveselectricblanket Says:


  220. ブランド 人気 Says:

    プラダ バッグ 新作

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