Paul McKenna – I Can Make You Thin


I was always pretty much indifferent when it came to hypnosis, until a friend started training to become a clinical hypnotherapist. When he told me about the training he was undergoing I enjoyed using words like ‘piffle’ and ‘mumbo jumbo’ as he recounted the details. He took it with good grace, and we agreed to disagree.

Then recently, I read Derren Brown’s Tricks of the Mind in which, in his signature style, he discusses the subject very frankly and gives an insight into the techniques involved. I tried a couple of the rudimentary examples he gives and found that, on a basic level, they work. As he recommended, I continued – purely out of curiosity – to read up on the subject, trying at all costs to avoid the more commercial end of the market. There are, after all, clearly hypnotists out there who are as interested in lining their pockets as they are concerned for helping people out.

Then I decided to give up smoking and got my hands on an eight minute mp3 of Paul McKenna which guaranteed it could help to cancel cravings. Essentially, in this little transmission, it simply forced you to create an association between the craving and something you personally find horrendous. I chose turds with all hairs sticking out. Seriously.

It worked, for a week. I’d never given up for more than 24 hours before this little revelation – and the only reason I got back on the smokes again was because a life-changing event happened the following week, making me lose focus. Impressed, I got hold of more of McKenna’s stuff (hiding it from everyone, as it’s all got a self-help stigma following it about like a nasty smell), but with all of his other programmes, possibly because I don’t need them, I found them overlong and cheese-ridden.

McKenna’s main problem is that his techniques are all grounded in proven clinical methodology, but these alone aren’t commercially viable. To get around that, he dresses one or two simple directives in so much marketing blabber (an easy bedfellow of the suggestive language of hypnosis), that it begins to feel like he’s not only trying to change a habit – he’s also trying to make you sign up to McKenna LTD.

I was surprised that Living TV wasn’t showing his ‘I Can Make You Thin’ on a subscription basis. Again, tuning in out of  curiosity,  you find more of the same.  If you want to lose weight (I don’t, particularly), this programme will probably help and save you the expense and hassle of Atkins style crash diets.

That said, it’ll cost you in other departments. In the one episode I’ve seen, one technique – the negative association craving-buster I mentioned before – was demonstrated over the course of an hour. This took around 10 minutes. The rest of the hour was concerned with testimonials, case studies and non-stop, advertising blather.

McKenna sells techniques that work very well, but his real strength is in selling himself. The show is like some weird, apolitical rally. It’s like you’ve walked into a bizarre, born again Christian sermon, in which only 5% of the content is actually discernible – the rest being a confusing spectrum of superficially pleasing waffle-bollocks.

I preferred it when he was making people cluck like chickens on ITV.

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183 Responses to “Paul McKenna – I Can Make You Thin”

  1. ugeine Says:

    Good to see you give him a fair assessment, I tend to be overly cynical with these kind of industries. So you think that it does some good in the end?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    If you need it, it does. The reason people are cynical is because the commercial end is pretty greasy and makes it looks like it’s all smoke and mirrors. Like I said, this could easily have been a fifteen minute show.

  3. Nick T Says:

    I have that book and I think it’s very good. I tried it for a week or so but couldn’t stick with it.

    My Atkins style diet is working very well for me. It’s not cheap true but I have a rich wife.

    I have heard that the Alan Carr quite smoking book is also very good.

  4. Nick T Says:

    This is far too nice a post.

    Where is that Nappers and his bile?

  5. piqued Says:

    Actually, I know how to make people thin. Don’t eat a lot. It works for me anyway

  6. Napoleon Says:

    Hogwash! The man’s a bloody carpetbagger! What next? Voodoo? Doris fucking Stokes? You should be ashamed of yourself for giving this alchemist the time of day, Swineshead.

  7. Nick T Says:

    I know how to stop smoking.
    Just stop smoking.

  8. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – If only it was that simple. Hey! Have you seen them electric fags you can smoke in boozers? They look like real fags and everything.

  9. Who Says:

    I remember Paul McKenna when he talked all shit out of our local radio in the late 80’s. Nowhere to be seen on the ‘Northampton’s Top 100 Brightest Stars’, list eh?

    I like the sound of your just stop tip, Nick T. Would it work for the heroin?

  10. Nick T Says:

    I was responing to pique Nap. Some things are not so simple.
    I gave up nearly 3 ago.

  11. Napoleon Says:

    He was much better making folk shit ’emselves on stage and think they were in Queen and that. He was on Top Gear once and made Richard Hammond forget how to drive a car. That was funny, even if it was all acting. Hypnotism, my arse.

  12. Nick T Says:

    I believe so Who.

    I may proffer similar advice to the opposing sides in the latest Jews vs Arabs bombing competition.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve noticed Piqued is actually quite rotund – from most angles anyway. I think his harness snapped.

    How many were you on a day, Nick? 3 a day, was it? Like a girl?

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – The difference between the two is smoking is addictive, whereas over-eating is being a greedy fat bastard in love with lard. Stop eating so bloody much and do some exercise – it’s a simple as that.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    Ah, Nappers… you are probably the least suggestible man on earth – long may it remain so. You fat bastard.

  16. Who Says:

    Shit yourself AND think you’re in Queen – on stage? Could it get any worse?

  17. Swineshead Says:

    You’re right, Napnap – it is that simple – but some people can’t grasp that and need the most basic info fed to them in a different way after years of habitually having a skewed take on their health. That’s all McKenna does. Then he spends the following time talking about it, punching the air and blabbering in a transatlantic accent.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Nick: I gave up nearly 3 ago.

    I gave up 3 ago too – I’m going to have another in 57. Around quarter to one.

  19. Nick T Says:

    I’d been smoking since I was 9, was allowed to smoke in the house from the age of 14. Didn’t smoke in the daytime towards the end but generally 3 joints a night more at weekends. 3 YEARS ago.
    Eating NOT addictive?
    I would wager you couldn’t go a month without eating meat.

  20. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Yes I could if I actually wanted to. There’s nothing in meat that means I crave it when I’ve not had it for half an hour. Smokers, as you know, are properly, medically addicted to nicotine. Fat people just guzzle sausages and cakes because they’re feeling sorry for ’emsleves. Totally different.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    It’s not totally different as eating provides a rush of endorphins. And they’re addictive. Any pleasurable activity has the same effect, as does exercise. So it’s about refocusing where you get your pleasure from. Simple stuff.

  22. Napoleon Says:

    Balls is it. You get a rush of that stuff off of shagging, but that doesn’t mean you want to do it all the …

    … I need to rethink my position on this.

  23. Clarry Says:

    I gave up fags easy peasy. Cold turkey is the best way to do it, instead of stringing out the whole affair with patches and gum, which very often intensify the addiction to nicotine.

    Plus NC, I think that you can be addicted to food, or rather the sugar/feel good endorphins/caffeine/fat etc. A lot of fatties are also the way they are as they have been brought up eating in a particular way that they believe to be normal, hence fat families. SO as they are in denial they put it down to genes or being big boned.

  24. Clarry Says:

    Oh snap SH

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I bet, being a bird, you were smoking half a Silk Cut every four hours. Try giving up from a position of seventy roll-ups a day and you won’t find it ‘easy peasy’.

  26. Clarry Says:

    No NC I smoked roll ups, then I switched to Superking Black (miners’ wives fags as we called them) and then back to roll ups. I could never stomach smoking before lunch time, but would chain smoke until bedtime. I could easily smoke 30 fags on a night out. Gave up 2 and half years ago and don’t miss it all now.

  27. Nick T Says:

    I used gum to give up.
    I didn’t put on weight because I felt sorry for myself. I don’t think I was addicted in a chemical way either, more habit.
    When one is fat, exercise is hell. Painfyul and uncomfortable and if one smokes your lungs hurt like shit.

  28. Napoleon Says:

    Aha! So you were never a proper smoker, then? A real smoker reaches for the fags the minute he opens his eyes, Clarry. Bloody lightweight. No wonder you found it so easy.

  29. Napoleon Says:

    Exercise is hell because you’ve made yourself fat. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to do it. I’d recommend swimming – your blubber’ll be supported by the water, making it easier to push your grotesque carcass to the max. LIVE ‘N’ LIFT!

  30. Nick T Says:

    Soveriegn, Peter Stuyvesant, Jogn Player Black, 555 untipped, Marlboro red and the sweet delights of Gitane then the whole Golden Virginia.

  31. Clarry Says:

    Your lungs ‘hurt like shit’ from exercising when you’re unfit too – if you carry on though you soon stop hurting.

  32. Nick T Says:

    I’ve lost loads now, thanks to my faddy low carb diet.
    I’m also a qualified swimming teacher. I have been for years it’s not due to losing weight…..

  33. Napoleon Says:

    I mainly smoke JPS. They’re good fags to smoke for the under-generous because everyone refuses to take one off you when you begrudgingly offer ’em around.

  34. Nick T Says:

    Not as much though Clarry.

  35. Clarry Says:

    My ex used to smoke in the night if he woke up and first thing in the morning whilst coughing his guts up. Delightful. I think I still qualify as a proper smoker – I smoked for about 16 years and although I bunched them up later in the day, I was still putting in a respectable average.

  36. Nick T Says:


  37. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – No you don’t. Like most women smokers, you weren’t prepared to put in the hours. You were a part-timer at best. Like those weirdos who only smoke when they go out. YOU WEIRDO.

  38. Clarry Says:

    Do you think if you compared my lungs when I was smoking 30 roll ups an afternoon/evening with yours after smoking 30 JPS spread over the course of the day there would be much difference?



  39. Clarry Says:

    Nick – Your lungs must have cleared up by now if you packed the fags in 3 years ago?

    It took me about 2 years of giving up before I could start running properly without the lung ache.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I reckon if you compared the 100-a-day dessicated husks that were once my lungs with your meagre 30-a-dayers, you’d get on your knees and thank the Lord you were only ever a part-timer.

    *actually wins*

  41. Clarry Says:

    Don’t be ridiculous nobody actually smokes 100 fags a day, apart from Edward Woodward – you’d have to smoke one every 10 minutes.

  42. Clarry Says:

    P.S You don’t win because the difference in comparison would be due to the extra amount of fags smoked not the time of day they were smoked.

    *does lap of honour*

  43. Nick T Says:

    I think it takes longer Clarry, maybe 5 years. I haven’t run for about a year.
    Years years years

  44. Nick T Says:

    4 years acording to Yahoo answers but they are usually bullshit.

  45. Napoleon Says:

    “nobody actually smokes 100 fags a day”

    Ho ho! You’ve clearly never met me, have you?

    *still wins*

  46. Clarry Says:

    Well you’re fucked then NC.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    This is the weirdest fight I’ve seen on WWM. Who has the weakest willpower and shittiest lungs…

  48. piqued Says:

    I met you, you coughed when you had one tiny puff, and you didn’t inhale. And then you went green and was sick all over your tie and your mum had to come and get you because you started to cry.

    That’s what actually happened when we met in May.

  49. Nick T Says:

    Silk Cut white piqued?

  50. The Spaghetti Says:

    Haven’t seen Paul McKenna since he was on ITV in the early ’90’s. (Staring at the inside of my empty fridge would have been more interesting, and that doesn’t even have a light in it).

    The only thing I wanted to see was how he allegedly hypnotised people, and they refused. Bah.

    1990-1995 sucked.

  51. roszs Says:

    NC – I’m a girl and I had two fags (Mayfair, again generally rejected when forced to offer them round, bonus) before my breakfast this morning, which I ate at 7:45.

    I hate myself.

  52. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – Unless you’ve found the secret of eternal life, so are you. At least I’ll have shuffled off long before a disinterested teenager gets to clean shit from my legs or I start chucking up turds.

    Piqued – Blah blah blah, you age-denying paedo.

    Great news! Just like the Weimar Republic before it, the government has announced it’s going to start printing money to allieviate the current economic crisis. Huzzah! Get those wheelbarrows full of six million pound notes ready for when you go to the shops!

  53. ugeine Says:

    Am I supposed to find the comparing of diseased lungs so erotic?


  54. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – That makes you a Fag Ash Lil. Women can’t win.

  55. roszs Says:

    Alan “The Nicotine Trick” Carr reckoned he quit cold from 100 fags a day.

    But later he died of lung cancer.

    I read his book once, the ‘nicotine trick’, which you have to read about 80 pages before coming too, and which is built up for those 80 pages as something that will make you give up smoking the minute you read it, can be summarised thusly:

    “Non-smokers don’t need nicotine to feel normal. Therefore smokers are being tricked by nicotine into thinking they need it to feel normal”

    Isn’t that shit. I read the book while chuffing down half a packet of Drum, imagining that the minute I was given the secret of the nicotine trick I would throw the packet away, laughing gleefully at my new lungs. I didn’t. Because it’s SHIT.

  56. ugeine Says:

    I only smoke about 6 roll ups a day nowadays.

  57. roszs Says:

    NC – you are right. It makes me sad.

  58. Napoleon Says:

    I always seem to have a tab on when that advert comes on telling my penis’ll stop working unless I give up. Well the busybodies seem to have forgotten that if that happens, I can fall back on Viagra. And then have a massive heart attack, just like Adam Faith.

  59. Nick T Says:

    Roy Castle also died of lung cancer, never smoked in his life.
    I don’t care who overeats, is fat, has teabags for lungs, smokes haystacks.
    I’m probably the tallest though…..

  60. Clarry Says:

    I meant you’re extra fucked NC. At that rate you won’t make your 50s nevermind the time of life you so beautifully describe.

    One every 10 minutes, really?

  61. ugeine Says:

    I thought Napoleon was at least 75?

  62. roszs Says:

    I went to the doctors recently for a tetanus booster jab and she asked me if I smoked and I replied in the affirmative, and she said “well I’ll tell you what I tell all the young girls [I’m 31 incidentally, the patronising old trout] – if you keep smoking you won’t be able to exercise and then you will get fat”


    The medical profession know nuffink.

    *dies of scurvy, ricketts and emphysema*

  63. The Spaghetti Says:

    I’m glad you explained, I thought you meant the other Alan Carr. Him with the teeth.

  64. roszs Says:

    Nick – that is because playing the trumpet and tap-dancing also give you lung cancer.

  65. Clarry Says:

    Nick – Spag said he was pretty tall over the page. He might be lying though. I am tiny.

    And of course you can get lung cancer without smoking – it’s just a bit different and even harder to get rid of if you’ve smoked.

  66. roszs Says:

    Nick – I am 6’8”.

  67. Nick T Says:

    Pehaps he put baccy in his trumpet in an attempt to break a record.
    I liked old Castle, he was in the fisrt Dr Who film with that Peter Cushing mush.

  68. Nick T Says:

    Ros- wide?

  69. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Roy Castle may have died of lung cancer, but there’s no actual evidence that his disease was caused by second-hand smoke. Non-smokers like to tout this Roy Castle / second hand smoke shit as if it was gospel truth, forgetting lung cancer’s been about longer than we’ve had tobacco in this country.

    Clarry – Ah well, them’s the breaks. You can have my Zippo in my will. Might encourage you to start up this sublime habit again.

    A ciggie after your tea – the best one of the day. Aaaaaah.

  70. piqued Says:

    Nick T, I roll me own tabs, Golden Virginia on Silver Rizla with a Swan slimline filter to be exact.

  71. Clarry Says:

    NC – Have you seen those packets of fags with pictures of rotting teeth on. That’s pretty grim…

    I remember someone showed my friend how he could lift several of his teeth from their moorings and pop ’em back in, in an attempt to dissuade them from smoking


  72. The Spaghetti Says:

    He was also in the only Carry On film to have more than 2 funny jokes.

  73. Clarry Says:

    I could never be arsed to put filters in my rollies.

  74. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I don’t need to look at the pictures to see rotting teeth. As Piqued will testify, I have a whole mouth’s worth I can look at in the mirror whenever I want. I love smoking. My breath STINKS.

  75. roszs Says:

    Nick – cheeky bastard.

    When I was in Cambodia they had the rotting teeth warning on packets of fags, but they’d made the error of putting it at the top of the packet, and the gap between top and bottom sets of teeth was exactly where the packet opened. Voila, hilarious talking fag box.

  76. roszs Says:

    Clarry – that lifting tooth thing might encourage small children to start smoking, they love shit like that. I might tell ’em that the reason I can lift my thumb off is cos I take heroin.

  77. Nick T Says:

    Ahh Golden Virgina. Loverly. I used to like flavoured papers too. Coconut was wonderful.

    Ever rolled a joint with menthol backy. Wonderful.

    Next week – Which aftershave goes best with tonic?

  78. Clarry Says:

    “I love smoking. My breath STINKS.”

    *tries to stifle laffs from colleagues*

    I didn’t think the kids were that into smoking these days.

  79. Clarry Says:

    Flavoured baccy and papers (also coloured ones) were stupid and never tasted like they smelled. I think there are enough chemicals in fags as it is…

  80. ugeine Says:

    Official line from my brother is that it’s only the scummy kids who smoke now. Sod knows what they do for popularity points. Carve a rude word into a pensioners face?

  81. roszs Says:

    No, they have no staying power, the kids of today.

  82. The Spaghetti Says:

    I believe bonus points are available for filming it and whacking it on YouTube

  83. Napoleon Says:

    When I smoke roll-ups, I use Golden Virginia, green papers and slimline filters. I don’t know if anyone esle has noticed, but the quality of Golden Virginia’s gone downhill over the last five years. It’s lost some of its sweet odour, is full of twigs, and isn’t as golden in colour as it used to be.

    An no, I haven’t being buying my supply from a man standing outside the market keeping his eye out for the police.

  84. ugeine Says:

    Snap, NP! With the roll ups.

  85. roszs Says:

    When I smoke baccy I smoke Drum, but acknowledge it tastes awful.

    In fact this conversation might be the impetus I need to give up smoking, I have been mulling the idea over for the past few months. While having a thoughtful cigarette, naturally.

  86. ugeine Says:

    I’m cutting back on most of my smoking persuits, Ros. It’s a bunch of arse.

  87. roszs Says:

    It’s stupid isn’t it, ugeine.

    But it’s so seductively addictive…

  88. ugeine Says:

    Scary thing was how many of my friends noticed I was cutting down. I must have been walking around looking like that guy from Dazed and Confused for the past four years.

  89. roszs Says:


    “And Martha, maaaan, she had like this big bowl waiting for him when he got home, maaaan. She was a very cool lady, a very cool lady…”

    That’s an ace film.

  90. Swineshead Says:

    Let’s not have this argument again, Roszs…

    Dazed & Confused is utter, utter, contemptible SHIT.

  91. Napoleon Says:

    Never seen it. I watched Die Hard again last night. Now that’s a damn fine film. I like it when he shoots that fella in the knees.

  92. The Spaghetti Says:

    Proper 80’s gunfire and quips.

  93. Swineshead Says:

    Also – Alan Carr died of lung cancer many years after giving up a 100 a day habit… his lungs were ruined by the point he quit…

    As for reading the book and thinking it shit, that’s because the book relies on suggestive language and borderline hypnosis – you weren’t suggestible when reading it – ie you didn’t actually want to give up -so you carried on chuffing…

    I just spilt my lunch all over the fucking floor.

  94. Swineshead Says:

    I like it when he dresses the dead terrorist as Santa to piss off Rickman.

  95. The Spaghetti Says:

    Can’t hear that “Jingle Bell Rock” song without thinking of Lethal Weapon.

  96. Napoleon Says:

    “I just spilt my lunch all over the fucking floor.”

    You have my deepest sympathies, Swineshead. Let’s hope your floor’s clean enough to at least salvage something from this tragedy. If it’s been mopped or hoovered within the last month, your lunch should still be safe to eat, I reckon.

  97. ugeine Says:

    Maybe you could hypnotise yourself into thinking Dazed and Confused is good SH? Then you’d be cool like me and Ros.

  98. Clarry Says:

    P.S NC, uou can keep your zippo. I hated them as it made your fag taste of lighter fluid. I will never smoke again, but don’t get me wrong I think smoking is ace.

  99. Napoleon Says:

    It’s a good Zippo, Clarry. You may come to regret that decision.

  100. Nick T Says:

    I saw an old man smoke a pipe last week, looked great!

  101. Clarry Says:

    NC, P and U – filters are for puffs.

  102. roszs Says:

    SH – no, I thought it was shit because he went on and on about this amazing ‘nicotine trick’ and then it turned out to be a bit of obvious common sense that you would have to be seriously brain damaged not to work out for yourself the first time you craved a cigarette.

  103. roszs Says:

    Clarry – I am a gay and I don’t use no filter in my roll-ups.


  104. roszs Says:

    Nick – pipes or snuff are the way forward I reckon.

    “Can I offer you a pinch of snuff, good sir?”
    “Why yes, how kind”

  105. Swineshead Says:

    Dazed & Confused = supposedly teenage American lightweight arseholes giving herb-smokers a bad name. And bullying kids, because hey! That’s what all teenagers do, right?


    A bollocks film. Utter bollocks. You’re better off with Die Hard.

    As for my lunch – I scraped what I could up and ate it.

    It was still…

    ‘ow yoo zay…?


  106. Clarry Says:

    I don’t mean actually gay, I mean it’s a bit lightweight. And there was NC accusing girls of being lightweight smokers…

  107. Napoleon Says:

    Filters stop the end of your fag collapsing and prevent you from having a mouth full of tobacco, Clarry. It’s not the 1940s. What were you smoking before you gave up? Player’s Navy Cut?

  108. Swineshead Says:

    I’vce read two of his books (only out of curiosity because I’m a geek about this sort of thing) and didn’t once see this ‘nicotine trick’ you describe.

    Besides, you’re missing the point that that kind of thing does state the obvious out of necessity. It is obvious you should give up smoking, but it’s how you are told that is key. You probably just didn’t like Alan Carr’s writing style.

    Try Justin Lee Whatsisname’s ”Ow Oi Gevs Up Themz Zmokes’. It’s written in your dialect.

  109. Clarry Says:

    Golden Virginia roll ups, green rizla and NO filter. Roll ’em properly and you don’t get tobacco in your gob.

    Used to hate it when the paper got stuck to your lip though. That really hurt.

  110. Swineshead Says:

    I don’t use filters in my rollies. I can roll, so it is not a problem.

  111. roszs Says:

    You can circumnavigate that problem by rolling your cigarettes better, surely?

  112. roszs Says:

    I don’t really mean circumnavigate, do I. Oh today is loooong.

  113. Clarry Says:

    Tuna mayonnaise on thick white cutty bread
    Double Decker
    Vat of coffee

  114. Napoleon Says:

    And what about when you get to the end of a packet and the baccy’s all dusty and small? If you say you don’t get flecks of the stuff in your mouth then, you’re a fucking liar, frankly.

    Plus, since when did filtered and unfiltered cigarrettes become a cock waggling contest? Or the ability to roll a fag ‘properly’ (a skill even an imbecile can learn in ten minutes flat)?

  115. Nick T Says:

    Roach filters anyone?

  116. roszs Says:

    SH – have you read the Alan Carr book “The Nicotine Trick”. That’s the one he describes the aforementioned “Nicotine Trick” in.

  117. Clarry Says:

    NC – I used to chuck the crumbs.

  118. Napoleon Says:

    Talking of books, I got ‘My Word Is My Bond’ (Roger Moore biography) and ‘Churchill’s Wizards’ (deception techniques of the British during the two World Wars). Pleased as fucking Punch, I was.

  119. Napoleon Says:

    *for Christmas.

  120. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – You used to throw away perfectly smokable tobacco? Who are you? Lady Muck of Muck Manor?

  121. roszs Says:

    Clarry – me too. And then regret it when I ran out of money and fags.

  122. roszs Says:

    This was the first Christmas ever I didn’t get a Christmas book. What a shit Christmas.

  123. Nick T Says:

    I got books on how to make cider and beer,the OK Computer and Painted From Memory guitar chord books and a book on how to play the banjo.

  124. Clarry Says:

    I know it was a bit wasteful. And yes Roszs, I did sometimes regret it. But as a student I seldom emptied my wastepaper bin, so in times of need I could go digging and find enough to craft some half decent fags.

  125. Swineshead Says:

    I think the fag-rolling willy waggling started when you began just after you started boasting about your 100 a day fag-habit. Wooo!

    Roszs – oh right. Your fault for buying a book called The Nicotine Trick then, rather than downloading it for free.

  126. roszs Says:

    A good book haul, Nick.

  127. roszs Says:

    Clarry – cunning!

    SH – no it was your fault for making out I was some sort of Alan Carr fantasist.

  128. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – Balls!

    All your books sound shit compared to my one about Churchill’s wizards.

  129. Swineshead Says:

    I have never made out with Alan Carr.

  130. roszs Says:

    You put your finger up Jimmy Carr’s bum in a carpark though.

  131. Swineshead Says:

    Was that his bum? I thought it was his face. I was trying to prevent him from choking, or so I thought.

  132. Nick T Says:

    That wasn’t his finger…boom boom

  133. ugeine Says:

    I got a Tom Holt book. Not as good as Terry Pratchett, but then who is?

  134. piqued Says:

    ‘Also – Alan Carr died of lung cancer many years after giving up a 100 a day habit… his lungs were ruined by the point he quit…’


  135. Napoleon Says:

    “I got a Tom Holt book. Not as good as Terry Pratchett, but then who is?”

    Authors who write for adults?

  136. ugeine Says:


    (I’m been sarcastic)

  137. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Roy Castle.

  138. Nick T Says:

    Ever read one Naps?

  139. Napoleon Says:

    I read a couple of Terry Pratchett ones when I was a teenager. Cardboard language, unfunny characters, bland plotlines, etc. Utter crap like 99% of all fantasy, be it serious or supposedly funny.

  140. Nick T Says:

    They’re not for everyone. I love em. Mainly TP. I only tend to read biographies now although I have got Follets follow up to Pillars of the Earth but it’s a bit daunting. Leslie Phillips’s “Hello” is just wonderful.

  141. piqued Says:

    i lik porn ritting

  142. daveselectricblanket Says:

    I’ll write one for you Piqued.

  143. Napoleon Says:

    The problem with a lot of these biographies is they’re written by third-rate hacks and then passed off as the work of the person they’re about. That wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t all read like they were written by exactly the same person. That Roger Moore one I mentioned earlier is alright, but reads the same as Michael Caine’s ‘biography’ from twenty years ago.

  144. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Unofficial biographies are good though. I read a great Tarantino one from around 1994 which chronicalled the writer’s despair at having nothing to write about more than the great, attention disordered cave monster of film.

  145. roszs Says:

    The best biography I’ve ever read was Shane McGowan’s, the one written by his then wife/girlfriend/partner (dunno if they were actually married). Now there was a man who could smoke.

  146. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry, I meant ‘autobiography’. You forget when an autobiography is written by someone else … like a biography. Sort of.

  147. roszs Says:

    Oh yes, see what you mean.

  148. Nick T Says:

    By the was ros, The Gray is missing you.

    Liz Smith’s is one of my favs. She’s a legend.

  149. roszs Says:

    I started Russell Brand’s and then about 20 pages in his writing style made me want to KILL KILL KILL.

  150. roszs Says:

    Nick – aw bless ‘im.

  151. Napoleon Says:

    That’s because Russell Brand’s a prick. Anywy, hasn’t he outstayed his welcome yet? Aren’t the guests already looking at their watches and over-emphasising their yawns? When does he get consigned to the disdain furnaces that we cast Peter Kay and Ricky Gervais into recently?

  152. daveselectricblanket Says:

    Peter Kay, the bloke whose just had two TV specials, and Ricky Gervais whose recently starred in a hit US movie? Those two?

  153. Nick T Says:

    I do like the Brand, I did listen to his radio show. Enjoyed his book too. I recon him on tv.
    I was watching That Peter Kay Thing today the ice cream man one and the arena. Just brilliant. His (PK) autobiography was quite funny .

  154. Nick T Says:

    Ros I quote

    “**eagerly arranges all the chairs**

    Theyl be back Nick….youll see…

    **grabs Nicks long flowing locks tearfully**

    Theyl be BACK….

    Actually, i thing theyve all fucked off for good….

    **slumps in chair**

  155. Napoleon Says:

    Yes, Dave, those two. You seem to have missed out the word ‘disdain’ when reading my last comment.

    Have you been been to Britain? Witnessed our whole ‘build ’em up, knock ’em down’ culture?

  156. roszs Says:

    Nick – couldn’t be arsed again after the last time I showed me face, bunch of irritating sanctimonious boring right wing twats (apart from the obvious exceptions).

  157. ugeine Says:

    Brand’s slide already started napoleon, it started with Sachsgate.

  158. ugeine Says:

    Ros: Is that the new Groucho or the old EC?

    I miss Gray’s questions about my sex life. God, it was hard pretending I had one.

  159. roszs Says:

    I think Russell Brand is pretty funny in small doses.

    Did you see that Buzzcocks where Simon Amstell said “I bought someone the Peter Kay DVD for Christmas. Because they’re thick and I hate them”

  160. Nick T Says:

    Ros – understand totaly but they’re all I have.

    Shall we go home now?

    The M3 is calling……

  161. Napoleon Says:

    About bloody time, Ugeine. Now who’s next? I hear those Mighty Boosh boys aren’t quite as beloved as they were after having the temerity to produce a series that apparently wasn’t as good as their other ones …

  162. ugeine Says:

    Aaaah, now I know you mean the new one.

  163. roszs Says:

    Yes, liver and onions and mashed potatoes (credit crunch tea no.1) is calling to me.

    I shall go to it.

    Hope everyone has lovely evenings!

  164. Nick T Says:

    Brand has slid of to the US to make films with Adam Sandler.
    He must hate himself for getting sacked from Radio 2, whilst he shags beautiful women and counts his money.
    What a loser

  165. roszs Says:

    ugeine – the new one. Are you Stuart then? I get awfully confused…

  166. Nick T Says:

    Going to tinker with Final Cut Pro…….

  167. ugeine Says:

    Yes and no, Napoleon. The Boosh slide (which is probably an attraction at their festival) started when Noel Fielding started dry humping the NME about 9 years after the second season and 12 years before the third.

    The slide you’re thinking of belongs to Ricky Gervais, who had temerity to produce a series (Extras) that apparently wasn’t as good as his first one (The Office).

  168. Nick T Says:

    Yes he is.
    He comes and visits. Matt even turned up a few weeks ago!

  169. ugeine Says:

    Ros; Yeah, I am. I get so used to this sign in name I just assume everybody knows who I am.

  170. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – His new world sounds pretty similar to his old one. And making films with Adam Sandler makes you the new Rob Schneider. The bargain bin awaits!

  171. Nick T Says:

    True. I miss him on the radio though. He was fucking great.
    I’m off home.
    Later meaty smokers…

  172. ugeine Says:

    ‘Meaty Smokers’ is my name on certain chat rooms I probably shouldn’t mention the name of on here.

  173. Swineshead Says:

    I still love bouncy castle from the last Boosh.

    And if you hate the Boosh, Nappers, you’ll hate that link.

  174. Napoleon Says:

    I saw a film called ‘Meat Smokers’ in the early 90s. It was back in the day before porn companies got their act together and went straight to the action. If I’m thinking of the right film, a large portion of the start saw three young ladies in cat-suits tediously going over a bank robbery plan, driving to the bank, fucking up the robbery, getting caught and ending up in jail. It was only then, thirty-odd minutes in and ten fucking quid wasted (this was before the wonders of broadband freed porn from its sex shop, overpriced shackles), that the girls got down to smokin’ that meat.

    My verdict? Two stars.

  175. Napoleon Says:

    Swineshead – I don’t hate The Boosh, I just don’t get The Boosh.

  176. Swineshead Says:

    Two stars, eh?

    I believe gonzo porn was the element that changed the face of the format. Suddenly you could pretend that it was all real in a docusoap style. Fun!

    Leaving the Boosh for a second, did you like Look Around You?

  177. Napoleon Says:

    I did. I slip between preferring the first series with the narration and the silent, OU-style scientists, and the second one that was like a really shitty Tomorrow’s World. They really should be using Peter Serafinowitz’s talents in a better way than they currently are.

    Gonzo porn’s great. I love the way they drag a girl off the street, offer her some cash for sex, and she’s fortunately had a full Brazillian AND an enema that very morning. If I was a cynical man, I’d think they’d set this little rendevous up.

  178. ugeine Says:

    My favourite bit off of series 3 was the spin the bottle bit of the party episode. ‘Only joking, it’s just a normal bottle.’

  179. The Spaghetti Says:

    I didn’t get on with Boosh until I was introduced to Tony Harrison. That character is brilliant. I watched all his bits on YouTube, and got in to it that way.

  180. Nick of the T Says:

    I liked the first series, in the zoo. I’ve seen a few of the second it’s k but a bit up itself. I recorded the last series of Peep Show that was on Dave or somesuch over crimbo. Still fucking funny. I wonder if there will be a second series of the inbetweeners? Possible the best comedy of last year.

  181. ugeine Says:

    Problem with the 3rd series of the boosh, IMO, was that it got a whole new audience that was interested in it between series two and three, so the third one repeated a lot of jokes from the first two. Bob Fossil dancing, the crimps, the shamans as extras, etc. It was still a good series but the amount of hype around it plus the amount of time between the two series (nearly three years, wasn’t it?) meant it let down a few of the older fans. I only got into it when they showed the second season on bbc2, but I could understand how older fans, maybe of the radio show or the stage shows before it, might have felt a bit let down.

  182. shrinkingdad Says:

    I tried his first weight loss CD and wasn’t impressed, although it wasn’t a complete dead loss. He blew it in one line for me though. But I think he knows his stuff, it’s just that the one-size-fits-all approach of TV or CD can’t possibly work for everyone. I’ve tried live hypnosis and I’m liking it so far – more on my own blog if you’re interested

  183. Salon de Jardin Says:

    Salon de Jardin…

    […]Paul McKenna – I Can Make You Thin « Watch With Mothers[…]…

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