partner tracker

If you ever brave the murky depths of cable channels, you’ll find yourself swamped with hundreds of tiny advertising nuggets. These aren’t proper ads. They’re visual and sonic assaults on the mind designed to tattoo a brand on your brain with deft swiftness. You fnd yourself remembering the product and the company name completely involuntarily – usually items which are of no use to you whatsoever, taking up valuable brain space you’d alloted to be filled later on in life with the works of Heidegger, Kant or Linsey Dawn McKenzie.

Jamster, the mobile ringtone, wallpaper, gimmick and pornography augmentation service, indulge in such examples of advertising. Their marketing output is the equivalent of an infectious sales-rottweiler, dribbling on the sidelines of MTV2, ready to pounce when the ads come on and happy to sink teeth into your temples when you’re buried to the hilt in the middle of their ten minute ad breaks.

The ad that got me scratching my head and shouting at the television set (again – I must curb this habit) came on this morning without warning, and was attempting to sell an X Ray mechanism that you can apparently download onto your mobile and, as a result, see through your hand and, at a push, LADIES’ PANTS using its incredible machinations.

I am an adult and am aware that this is guff. Though if I were a child, I might not. I invested in some X Ray Specs from a ‘Smiffy’s Joke Shop’ catalogue (anyone remember them?) when I was pre-10, so if I were a nipper now and blessed with a cell phone – they seem to dish them out at birth these days – I’d probably waste a fiver or however much they sell this shit for on this useless, unamusing and rip-off rubbish.

Even more disturbing is the advert for a mobile phone ‘Partner Tracker’.

Apparently this enables the user to find out where their other half is using mobile technology. So if you’ve jumped to the conclusion that your beloved is up to no good, you can find out if they’ve gone where they’ve said they’ve gone as you sit alone, drinking own-brand gin in your bedsit. Healthy!

So, jealous lovers, if you’re an untrusting brute or you feel you’ve been saddled with a two-bit, cheating swine who may be making a cuckold of you, for three or four quid you can use this application to ruin your life whether your suspicions are confirmed or not.


Except it’s not brilliant. The small print sadly gives away the cold hard facts… and they make for saddening reading. I’ve been duped.

This software is for entertainment purposes only and does not require GPS or a network connection. It doesn’t locate your real whereabouts but nevertheless it is a fun application

I’m sure it is, Jamster. I’m sure it’s a lorry load of neverending fun, you shameless, no-good shysters.

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87 Responses to “Jamster”

  1. Clarry Says:


    I saw this ad a few weeks ago and was shocked that they could market such a deeply unpleasant application. But, as you point out, the adverts have a small disclaimer at the bottom saying it is a joke. I AM POSITIVE that this disclaimer wasn’t there when the ad first aired though.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Did you shell out for it, Clarry?

  3. Napoleon Says:

    It’d be fun to use this application to keep track of other folks’ dogs. “Oh, hello,” you’d say. “Mr. Bones at number 22 is off for a walk.”

    I’d like that.

  4. Nick T Says:

    The small prin on cosmetics add are great too. Mascara smallprint makes a the whole advert pointless as it states that the example shown had been “electronicaly enhanced”.

    5 pictures that changed fashion BBC4 was bloody marvelous!

  5. Swineshead Says:

    That’d be good, except it would give you a fictional account of Mr. Bones’ whereabouts. What’s the use in that?

    And where the bloody hell have you been, Nappers?

  6. Swineshead Says:

    *sheepishly turns on xbox360 despite huge backlog of work*

    *hopes nobody has noticed*

  7. Clarry Says:

    Yes I bought three…

    I would be interested to see how the ‘joke’ works. Surely if the purchaser knows it doesn’t work it can be only used to trick other people (unless the target audience are stupider than we first thought). For example do you say to your friend ‘Hey look I’m a serial killer in the making, look I can see where my ‘girlfriend’ is’? Or does something happen to the unsuspecting victim’s phone that suggests to them that they are being stalked? Ho ho ho, how we laughed as my girlfriend got a restraining order out on me.

    Or is the joke aimed at the freak that buys it when they realise it doesn’t work and they get charged £2.50 a week for the rest of their life?

  8. roszs Says:

    Oh. Its all a joke is it?

    *deletes application from phone*

    *flicks through yellow pages for infrared telescope manufacturers*

  9. roszs Says:

    I watched that programme about H&S inspectors last night, it was surprisingly brilliant.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    £2,50 a week? How does that work?

    Roszz – Skins starts soon – can we rely on you to review?

  11. roszs Says:

    PS – Skins starts on Thursday!

    Review for you on Friday, Mr SH?

  12. roszs Says:

    oooooh, synchronicity…

  13. Napoleon Says:

    I’ve been ‘busy’, Swineshead. Obviously, ‘busy’ in my world isn’t the same as ‘busy’ in other people’s, but I’ve been as busy as a lazy sod with what amounts to a part-time job can be.

    So anyway, that’s my monthly ten hour’s work out of the way, and now I’m raring to go at the much more fun task of doing as little as possible. I’ll be writing for you again this week, and it’s about time some of the other laggards on here did the same, I reckon.

  14. Napoleon Says:

    Also, I must get round to taking down my Christmas tree …

  15. roszs Says:

    BAGSY SKINS. I know how you love it, NC.

  16. Clarry Says:

    SH – I don’t think it actually costs £2.50 a week, but I believe that some of those phone applications do. For instance you can have shit jokes or porn texted straight to your phone for a weekly fee – my friend did this and surprisingly it was almost impossible to remove yourself from it.

  17. Clarry Says:

    Skins? Really?

  18. Badger Madge Says:

    is no one going to mention tony hart? no one???

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Skins is all yours roszs. Noone else can put up with it, after all.

    WWM mark 3 will be ready to go live soon – exciting ain’t it?

  20. Nick T Says:

    That bloke off that Smart art show NOW Tony Hart. Where will it end?

  21. Clarry Says:

    Neil Buchanon must be looking over his shoulder…

  22. Napoleon Says:

    I thought he’d already kicked the bucket, Badger.

  23. Clarry Says:

    Naps you obviously weren’t paying attention last time we talked about it. SH did a post about him having to hang up his pencil due to ill health NOT being dead.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Tony Hart – RIP.

    It’s a sad day, for sure, badger.

  25. Nick T Says:

    Damien Hurst is shitting himself!
    Rolf Harris is holding it together….

  26. Nick T Says:

    I’m drinking coconut tea.

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I’d forgotten that conversation. I blame the booze.

  28. roszs Says:

    Patrick McGoohan as well.


    Mebbe they’ll reshow the Prisoner though, that would be good.

  29. roszs Says:

    Clarry – yes really, I LOVE it.

    Although we shall see what has happened now they’ve ditched the old cast.

  30. Clarry Says:

    OMG – Patrick McGoohan is dead???

    I loved the Prisoner.

  31. Napoleon Says:

    Apart from playing Edward I in that shitty Braveheart film and a couple of Columbos, what has Patrick McGoohan done since The Prisoner?

  32. The Spaghetti Says:

    Nowt wrong with own-brand gin. Apart from the taste, obviously.

  33. roszs Says:

    Nowt, but the Prisoner was so good it doesn’t matter.

    Oh, Ice Station Zebra or whatever it was calle.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Ditched’ the cast of Skins?
    I was hoping they’d cull them.

  35. Clarry Says:

    How do you ditch a whole cast in one go? Is it like on Emmerdale when the plane crashed into the village and wiping out most of the rubbish cast. Or the explosion in Brookside?

  36. ugeine Says:

    I was hoping they’d taken eyebrows outside and stoved his head in with a shovel.

    Mornin’ everyone.

  37. Clarry Says:

    P.S Roszs – was that H&S officer prog a repeat? The one where the bloke says ‘It’s no coincidence that the word ‘garden’ is an anagram of ‘danger”?

  38. Napoleon Says:

    The Prisoner bored the pants off me. I still to this day don’t get what the fuck it was meant to be about, and the ending was fucking weird. If I was forced to watch old television, I’d plump for Randall & Hopkirk or The Persuaders.

  39. Napoleon Says:

    There’s a woman on the radio who works for a company called ‘Diversity Solutions Consultancy Limited’. Whoever owns that company must have really thought outside of the box when they came up with that title.

    Oh, and they should be burned alive.

  40. ugeine Says:

    NP: I hate those types of names. You should see some of the companies I have to right to. ‘Impressive business service’ been my favourite so far.

  41. The Spaghetti Says:

    Replacing the entire cast with new people has got to be better than when they get a new actor to play an existing character, like they did in “Neighbours” with, I think, Cheryl? Or was it Madge? Anywho, it was stoopid.

  42. Napoleon Says:

    Ugeine – They drive me potty. I was introduced to some wanker in finance (via my missus, who works in that dark field), who called himself ‘a consultant’. I started asking him about my bowels, and when he asked me what the hell I was on about, I pointed out that a consultant is a fancy doctor you don’t even call ‘doctor’ because he’s THAT fancy. He didn’t speak to me again, and I later learned Osama Bin Laden and his boys had done for him in Tower 2 on September the 11th.

    So that means I won that one, effectively.

  43. Swineshead Says:

    Via the medium of Jihad.

    Fear Napoleon.

  44. roszs Says:

    Clarry – yeah, that’s the one. That man is brilliant.

    NC – The Prisoner is brilliant. I was obsessed with it when I was about 15, and made my parents take a detour to Port Meirion (sp?) when we were in north Wales, then realised when I came into contact with them there that Prisoner super-fans on the whole are a decidedly odd bunch, so kept a bit more quiet about it then.

  45. roszs Says:

    Apologies for horrible repetition of ‘brilliant’ in previous post, the synonym part of my brain isn’t working today…

  46. Napoleon Says:

    I still don’t see what’s brilliant about it. Permanently pissed-off man spends ages in weird village full of weirdos, then it ends abruptly. I could be wrong, but didn’t the last episode even involve some Benny Hill-style fast motion (it’s been about fifteen years since I watched it)?


  47. roszs Says:

    There is no fast motion in the last episode, I can guarantee you.

    I got into it cos I was into all stuff sixties as a teenager, and really liked the general concept of the programme, and the writing. Its so stylistic too, it just looks good. A product of its time, I s’pose. They’re remaking it aren’t they? I am Dubious.

    *sends giant white balloon off to smother NC*

  48. Napoleon Says:

    Hmm .. must be thinking of something else that had fast motion. Anyway, I still didn’t care for The Prisoner, despite the wild enthusiasm lavished upon it by those devils that made me watch it – The Swineshead Clan.

  49. roszs Says:


    I am going to Sleaford next month for the first time ever. I am very excited.

    Any Sleaford hints and tips, Lincolnians?

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Avoid all the pubs, don’t look anyone directly in the eye and, if you’re a woman, don’t go out without an escort unless you fancy getting raped.

  51. roszs Says:

    Ooooh I can’t wait! It sounds magical!

  52. Napoleon Says:

    By the way: With all the booze I drank over Christmas, I’ve completely forgotten whether we ever got to the bottom of that whole human / dancer question. Was a definitive answer put forward?

  53. Napoleon Says:

    Roszs – It is. I was there a few weeks ago, and a young man asked me what the fuck I thought I was looking at within moments of my getting off the train. Brought back such happy memories.

  54. Clarry Says:

    Roszs – WHY would you be venturing to these parts of your own free will?

  55. Clarry Says:

    And why were you here NC?

    I don’t recall anyone asking my permission…

  56. Nick T Says:

    I though “Rhythm” was a dancer….

  57. Napoleon Says:

    Clarry – I have relatives in Great Hale, Dorrington and Ruskington. It’s a curse, but at least I only have to venture to Sleaford once or twice a year.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    I thought it was a form of cancer…


    As for Sleaford, Roszs, the best bit of advice would be to not go out at all. not even to the shop.

    But if you insist on sightseeing, do visit the Rec where most people first got drunk and put index fingers in parts of people. Opposite the rec is my old house. Be sure to go to the wine bar and get a volley of abuse off the fat bitch behind the bar. Check out the Waggon and horses… and prepare yourself for another volley of abuse from another fat bitch behind a bar.

  59. Napoleon Says:

    Nick – Are you serious as cancer about that?

  60. Napoleon Says:

    You might also like to try out The Bull & Dog. That’s where I first had my nose broken. Golden memories …

  61. Nick T Says:

    Is cancer serious?


  62. roszs Says:

    I am visiting some friends who are archaeologists there. I don’t know what they are looking for when they dig, nor shall I ask in case the answer is disturbing.

    They live on Nag’s Head Passage or summat.

  63. Clarry Says:

    The wine bar is no more SH. It briefly became known as the Time bar, but has since closed. The fat bitch behind the former moved away to shout at people in Scotchland.

    The Waggon is on it’s last legs too, with about 1 punter a day. Strictly speaking it is my local, but I find it a bit full on in there as they have a karaoke every weekend evening, even if there’s nobody there. The DJ just sings to himself.


  64. Napoleon Says:

    Nag’s Head Passage? That’s where local drunk Des light-heartedly sexually assaulted my ex-girlfriend.

    If they’re archaeologists, they may well be digging in the grounds of the mighty Sleaford Castle. Who needs the showy extremes of a Warwick, a Lincoln or a Durham castle when you have this …?

  65. roszs Says:

    Clarry, why do you not escape from this place?

  66. Swineshead Says:

    Nags Head Passage, eh? Rammed with memories, that little stone corridor. Home of Des the Drunk (RIP) and also a prime spot for waiting around for High School Girls to finish their day. Also, at night, acted as a direct route from Woolworths to Londis – one of the town’s few offies to serve young children.

  67. Clarry Says:

    In that case Roszs you shall be probably be drinking in the Nag’s Head, which backs onto Nag’s head passage. DEFINITELY do not go down said passage on your own at night.

    Archaeologists huh? I did that for a bit, I preserve the bits they dig up.

  68. Napoleon Says:

    The wine bar’s gone? Ah well. I never drank in there as it was where the chumps who did as they were told at school drank. I much preferred the Nag’s.

    I see Sleaford cinema’s boarded up. For shame that they turned it into a club, the bastards.

  69. roszs Says:

    I dunt want to go no more.

  70. Clarry Says:

    Becoz I live here – and it’s not that bad really.

    Plus it’s dead cheap to live here and it’s not far to go to Notts or Lincoln for a change of scene.

  71. roszs Says:

    Clarry, maybe you know my friend then. She is called Vicky.

    *imagines there are about 4 people in Sleaford, so all bound to know each other*

  72. Clarry Says:


  73. Napoleon Says:

    “Plus it’s dead cheap to live here and it’s not far to go to Notts or Lincoln for a change of scene.”

    A SHITTY change of scene. I lived in Lincoln for years, and hated it even more than Sleaford. The only thing I liked about Lincoln was its eclectic collection of nutcases.

    Oh, and its cathedral, obviously.

  74. Swineshead Says:

    I generally drank at home, or in Boston.

    Sleaford cinema – I first met you there Nappers, during a screening of the He Man movie. I was there with my brother who liked He Man. You were there on your own and you leaned forward to mock the BMX Bandits trailer.

    You were clearly lonely.

  75. Swineshead Says:

    Vicky who?

  76. roszs Says:

    You won’t know her, she’s moved to Sleaford well after your time. I used to live with her in Bradders.

  77. Clarry Says:

    Hmm, might have to be more specific.

    I don’t preserve the things your *actual* friends dig up, just artefacts and antiquities in general. I are a conservator.

  78. roszs Says:

    You have emphasised the word actual, as if to imply I have other friends who are imaginary.

    *narrows eyes*

    How did you know?

  79. Clarry Says:

    Just a hunch…


    Got to go now. Laterz.

  80. Napoleon Says:

    I always preferred going to the cinema on my own, as it ‘appens. I’m antisocial when it comes to entertainment. The whole multiplayer online game community thing pisses me off, for instance.

    And anyway, nobody would go to that He-Man film with me because I was a horrible child who even my friends found hard to like.

  81. roszs Says:

    Bye bye Clarry, enjoy your conservatoring.

  82. Swineshead Says:

    XBox live looks like the biggest rip off in this ginormous galaxy.

  83. Napoleon Says:

    I used to live with a conservator. Her boss was a pain in the arse. One time she rang up to see if my ex was there, I told her she wasn’t, and the next thing I knew I was up on scaffolding in a building in London painting terracotta reliefs. Weird.

  84. Napoleon Says:

    I don’t see the point. I had a trial membership to the whistles ‘n’ bells version of XBox Live, played one mutliplayer race of GTA IV, and swore I’d never do it again. Bloody rubbish.

  85. ugeine Says:

    Napoleon: It’s almost like you don’t like getting random racial swearwords shouted at you by American teenagers. What else is there to do in the evening?

  86. Nick of the T Says:

    Is “cuntish” a word?

  87. Great hello antiqity Reviews Says:

    […] Jamster « Watch With Mothers […]

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