The Friday Question: The Crap We Watch

by

Shipwrecked bikini sex

JQW raised the issue of televisual guilty pleasures last week. We needn’t limit it to daytime TV though… so what’re your guiltiest televisual pleasures? And if you don’t feel guilty, what TV do you watch knowing full well that it’s unbounded shite?

I’ll come clean – I quite often find myself watching Shipwrecked of a Sunday morning. Looking at the picture above, I’ve no idea why…

And you all know about my Big Brother condition.

Open your hearts, let honesty prevail…

What shit TV do you enjoy then, eh?

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90 Responses to “The Friday Question: The Crap We Watch”

  1. Napoleon Says:

    I’d say the most recent one for me has been that Supersizers Go … programme. I can’t stand the woman, and the man is a restaurant critic, and they’re on the same uesless journalistic level as fashion and gossip hacks in my book, yet I’ve found this show fascinating. I have no idea why, considering it’s an hour of two people I don’t like eating horrible food.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Giles Coren and Sue Perkins are a really good double act, I reckon. I love that show. And i think it’s pretty good, informative TV rather than crap.

    DISQUALIFIED – you’ll need to make another choice, you scoundrel.

    We got just short of 5,000 views yesterday – needless to say that’s the record. Alex out of Big Brother worked wonders.

  3. Napoleon Says:

    How’s that disqualified? It’s a shit show (two people eating stuff is not intelligent telly, it’s Piqued-standard £5 TV) that’s strangely compelling. As for informative? Balls! Unless you’re a moron, it’s not news that most people lived on innards in the olden days. Disqualified, my arse.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Ok, re-qualified.

    I just happen to like it.

    I can’t really take part in this as all my dirty washing’s already been hung out to dry.

    Ever seen shipwrecked? There’s loads of girls building bivouacs in bikinis made out of leaves..

  5. Mikey Says:

    I get pangs of guilt turning the telly on in the first place…unless it is for a sporting event or some cultural documentary enriching my knowledge.

    But to own up to the Friday question…Some years ago I did watch a program called “Coach Trip” which apart from the recaps which seemed to occur monotonously regularly,..I guess they thought the audience could well be senile…was an interesting window on the world. To a certain extent, as recommended by I think piqued, “Come dine with me” has become a guilty pleasure, though only if the participants are good value. Holiday Showdown as well….especially when a lager lout chav family, holiday with to use that terrible word an “aspirational family”. Funnily enough the kids from the families nearly always seem to get on well with each other.

  6. Badger Madge Says:

    Hollyoaks omnibus. In fact anything T4 of a Sunday…

  7. Swineshead Says:

    It was WWM what recommended CDWM Mikey! Don’t give that Piqued fellow the credit! (We’ve covered it twice).

    If I watched more than 2 minutes of Hollyoaks I’d have to commit suicide.

  8. Mikey Says:

    ….and holiday airport. I like too see the Easyjet staff being shouted at!

  9. Badger Madge Says:

    Hollyoaks is like that Shipwrecked bikini shot you’ve got up there, except the Oaks girls aren’t annoyingly posh whingers.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    They’re not annoyingly posh whingers, but they are the worst actresses on television, and not as attractive.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Christ – we’re 3rd in the WordPress top ten blogs.

  12. Clarry Says:

    Wowzers!

  13. Napoleon Says:

    Are we? What’s going on?

  14. Napoleon Says:

    According to the thing I’ve just brought up, we’re eighth.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    2nd now on mine. Weird.

    Are you looking at the dashboard and then the right hand margin?

    it’s all down to that Alex BB post. The nation’s interested for some reason.

  16. Mikey Says:

    Re: webtraffic…
    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/06/19/avg_linkscanner_and_adwords/

  17. Badger Madge Says:

    Nice one guys! Don’t forget the little people when you make it big, now…

    I disagree, SH, there are actually some really good actresses on there. Granted, there are some humdingers, but I bet there are just as many good actors on Oaks as there are on Enders. More, now, actually. And you can’t argue with them winning more soap awards than any of the other big three…

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Who votes for the soap awards though, BM?
    Sounds like it’s not a guilty pleasure for you, in your hollyoaks T Shirt…

  19. Napoleon Says:

    Your BB post is second on Top Posts, according to WordPress. You must be so proud. Of all the hundreds of things we’ve written about on here, it’s nice to know the one that launches us into the blogging stratosphere is the most fuckwitted thing possible. God bless the Great British Public.

    To get back to this question of yours, it’s rather hard to come up with something new. You’ve already spilled your guts about liking shite like ‘Stenders and Big Brother, Piqued openly admits to watching brain dead offal such as Grand Designs and Masterchef, Medlo watches nothing but banal American tripe, and I’m addicted to Holby City and Last of the Summer Wine. A slightly different question would be: Do you watch anything that’s worse than what WWM watches? Badger’s already come up trumps by admitting she watches Hollyoaks.

  20. John A Thomson Says:

    Most of the stuff you watch is “garbage (rubbish) for the eyes” going by the reviews on here :-).

    When do we get some culture and class? 😛

  21. george Says:

    I know James Ward off Shipwrecked, lives in the village next to me, blue blooded thick twat if I’ve ever met one.

    I’ve been watching Star Trek, The Next Generation first season like it’s a televised bible, does that count? It’s not shit in the mundane, British daytime low budget TV style that we know and love, but it’s shitness is of epic proportions. Every episode goes like this: bog around space in a ship. Little bit of banter between the cast (Usually involves Lt. Data failing to understand humans as he’s a robot, though in one horrifying episode he nobs the head of security).

    ‘We’re the asfasdkfians, we believe in [insert random human shortcoming, such as war, religion… etc). Data pipes up: Sir, just like the earth culture of the Amazonians. They learn off of each other, until the aliens spaz out and kidnap a crew member / shoot at a crew member / rob the ship and Pickard talks them out of it like the God he is (he never makes a single mistake) and they all bugger off having learned something. This goes on for seven seasons.

  22. Mikey Says:

    If you look at the link, it explains that if somebody searches for say “Big Brother”, it may well register as a hit but that is because of the scan, not the fact that the viewer has visited the page. To use a marketing statistic, each mailshot etc, the response that they aim for is about 1.5%. Using this statisical analysis and transferring it to this website you should expect 50 new punters making comments. This is just a theory mind you and i am quite willing to accept that WWM is now a major player in the blog world. But just before you quit your job and go global with dreams of money,fast cars, fast women and dodging the paparazzi…it could be an error.

  23. Swineshead Says:

    No Mikey – I’m pretty sure WordPress requires that people actually view the page. But don’t worry, this is a freak occurence due to me shamelessly promoting stuff on other websites.

    John Thomson – weren’t you in Cold Feet? That programme was shit.

    NC- True enough, it’s a flawed question – but I’d not owned up to Shipwrecked before. And it’s a weight off my mind, I can tell you.

  24. Napoleon Says:

    George – Oh Christ, Star Trek! NO!

    And how come everyone keeps describing series as ‘seasons’ nowadays?

  25. Swineshead Says:

    ‘seasons’ – ergh…

    It’s ‘series’ – and there should only be six episodes PER SERIES.

  26. Mikey Says:

    Regarding Star Trek Next Generation.

    That does not count, though Wesley pisses me off as does the fact that the Enterprise has families aboard. Jim Kirk would have had no time for that!

  27. Napoleon Says:

    Agree with that. I tried watching that Heroes show until I realised each series contained three hundred episodes. Bloody rubbish. They only need six Ultimate Forces in a series of Ultimate Force – not five thousand per ‘season’. Pah!

  28. george Says:

    Wesley Crusher is a smarmy git, though he makes Pickard uncomfortable, which is his redeeming factor. Is there any difference between seasons and series, is it just the American terming? Apart from the fact seasons tend to last for about 540 episodes, like SH pointed out.

  29. dave Says:

    Well done on your success. Less blogs about dreary art exhibitions now, and more tit n’ kittens! For my sake, if nothing else.

  30. Swineshead Says:

    Just for you, Dave:

  31. Napoleon Says:

    The second cat looks extremely comfortable. Let’s just hope it doesn’t start that claw mashing caper the little fuckers do to your crotch when they decide they’re going to use you as a bed.

  32. Clarry Says:

    Jon Thompson ” was bestest with his fat northern comic routine…. “my mother-in-law, MY MOTHER-IN-LAW… lovely woman, helps us out with the mortgage.”

  33. Swineshead Says:

    There was a pakistani man, a west indian man and an englishman in a pub…

    …what a wonderful example of a multicultural society.

  34. Napoleon Says:

    Bernard Right-On, wasn’t it? “There were two gay blokes ‘aving sex – ‘AVING SEX – in the back of a van … nothing wrong with that. What two consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own van is nobody else’s business, ladies and gentlemen.” I liked him. He was good as Fat Bob as well.

  35. Swineshead Says:

    Paul Calf’s video diaries had some the funniest stuff I’ve ever seen on TV in it.

    Fat Bob. Bob the blob. Fat blobby bastard blob.

  36. Napoleon Says:

    I loved those video diaries.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    Youtube is actually amazing…

  38. Clarry Says:

    I love Youtube and have been using it to watch all the good clips of Big Train that i’d forgotten all about. Anybody remember the one with Kevin Eldon as a postman exacting his revenge on the dog?

  39. Napoleon Says:

    I liked the one where he was made into Kevin Rowland off of Dexy’s Midnight Runners by Frankenstein.

  40. Napoleon Says:

    That reads like a retard wrote my last comment.

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Remove the first three words of that and you’re spot on, Napoleon.

  42. Clarry Says:

    Or the one where he was Chairman Mao on his deathbed, and he started being Bryan Ferry and Mark Heap as Brian Eno.

  43. Clarry Says:

    Obviously writing down anything about Big Train makes you write badly.

  44. Napoleon Says:

    I’m a retard now, am I? Well I disagree. I happen to like showing off my socks as I walk down the street in an ill-fitting 1970s suit wearing a fez and muttering about ‘them all being out to get me and my mam’.

  45. Swineshead Says:

    There’s nothing wrong with that. I sometimes like to manipulate my erect penis through grubby tracksuit bottoms at the bus stop on Lower Clapton Road.

  46. Napoleon Says:

    There was a man who used to come into that idiot cafe I used to part-own (until I came to my bloody senses) who stank of piss, had a bald head with giant wisps of greasy black hair sticking out the sides (making him look like an owl), bottle-bottom glasses that magnified his crossed eyes, goofy yellow/black/brown teeth, three day’s stubble, sandals and beige socks, and a collection of filthy designer label 1980s shell-suits. He was always accompanied by several knackered carrier bags full of litter, and when you asked him what he wanted to eat, he would stutter something about his mam’s chicken and ham pie, then leave having bought nothing. I haven’t made this man up.

  47. Swineshead Says:

    …that sounds like…. Daddy…?

    *weeps*

  48. george Says:

    I always wondered what happened to my dad. Cheers for the update, Napoleon.

  49. george Says:

    That was a bit freaky.

  50. Napoleon Says:

    Sorry about that, Swineshead. I forget your father wasn’t the urbane pipe-smoker I falsely remember, but was, in reality, a mad-haired lunatic in a shell suit. My apologies.

    You just don’t seem to get the same quality of mad folk you did in the olden days. I don’t know if any of you have ever lived in Lincoln, but if you have you may remember another of my favourites – the ‘Wait For Me’ couple. He (with his Hitler face and Harpo Marx hair) would charge up the road with his wife (a grotesquely overweight blonde with a permanently runny nose) trailing behind her shouting, “WAIT FO’ ME!” He would then reply, “NO! AH’M NOT FUCKIN’ WAITIN’ FO’ YE!” and carry on surging forward. This would go on for as long as they were outdoors:

    “WAAAAIT FO’ ME!”
    “NO!”
    “WAAAAAIT FO’ ME!”
    “NO! AH’M NOT FUCKIN’ WAITIN’ FO’ YE!”
    “WAAAAAAIT FO’ ME”
    “FUCK YOU!”
    “WAAAAAIT FO’ ME!”
    “NO!”
    “WAAAAAAAAAAIT FO’ ME!”
    “AH’M NOT FUCKING WAITIN’ FO’ YE!”

    Etc. etc.

    What I couldn’t work out was how on earth they got together in the first place, considering he was so hell-bent on keeping his distance. Bizarre.

  51. george Says:

    A guy that lived near me, textbook village idiot type, got sanctioned because he kept on exposing himself in front of children queuing for the school bus and grinning.

  52. Swineshead Says:

    Do you remember that couple in Sleaford who looked exactly the same (both male and female looked like 8 Ace from Viz). They walked around with their twins (who both looked exactly the same as them and dressed identically) pushing a pram which contained a baby who (you guessed it) looked exactly like them…?

    They didn’t really speak, they grunted.

    Also – do you remember Sleaford’s famous long distance runner? A balding, lanky chap with a crimewatch photofit face, he would run around the perimeter of Sleaford all night, every night wearing his sweatband. If you were sitting drinking cider on a bench for 3 hours, he’d go past every fifty minutes, regular as a bus.

  53. Swineshead Says:

    If the children were grinning, George, it suggests he was doing a good thing in exposing his (no doubt) mangled nub.

  54. Clarry Says:

    If we’re talking about mentals, then beat this.

    When I worked in the chemists, a homeless, ex-prostitute called Winnie used to come in and while away the hours in our shop if it was raining. Thing was she was in her 70s, stank to high heaven, was extremely abusive and swore and lashed out at unsuspecting small children. However, for some reason she took a shine to us and one day bought us in a grubby carrier bag full of chopped up cake. Where had she got this cake from? Well, we were too afraid not to accept this ‘gift’ so we said thanks and then immediately threw it in the incinerator. I would probably be dead of the aids by now if I had eaten it.

  55. Clarry Says:

    “Also – do you remember Sleaford’s famous long distance runner? A balding, lanky chap with a crimewatch photofit face, he would run around the perimeter of Sleaford all night, every night wearing his sweatband. If you were sitting drinking cider on a bench for 3 hours, he’d go past every fifty minutes, regular as a bus.”

    Yes, the man affectionately known as ‘Stinky Simon’. He passed over last year. It would seem that running for about 8 hours a day is not as healthy as you’d imagine.

  56. Swineshead Says:

    Christ, Clarry. That was a good ‘un.

    Obviously in London there are a bajillion Care in the Community types. When I lived in Camden I’d often spend whole evenings in night cafes to escape my damp bedsit and I’d get into conversation with the more reserved of them.

    My favourite was Basil – a jamaican alcoholic who, when sober, was a grumpy bastard who ran a filthy hot dog stand that nobody ever bought hot dogs from. When he was pissed he was a screaming maniac who who would accuse you of being Tom Jones in a very threatening way.

    When he’d terrified you into admitting that you WERE Tom Jones (lying out of pure fear), he would tell you that he was Lulu and burst out laughing while smashing everything in sight.

  57. Napoleon Says:

    I remember the running fella. The other lot describes 90% of Sleaford residents, so you’ll have to be more specific.

    We had loads in Lincoln:

    Shiny Shoes, who used to stand on the street corner telling passersby that kids were ruining his bowling green (he didn’t have a bowling green).

    I Was Monty’s Double, a really old man dressed as Monty who used to sit on the street playing dance music on a tape deck surrounded by dirty clockwork animals.

    Syndrome, the man who pretended to have Tourrette’s Syndrome for no reason anyone could discover.

    Shane, a man who modelled himself on Jimmy Savile circa 1975, talked in the same squeeky voice as Orville, and would attack you if you cast doubt on his claim that whoever was standing next to him at the time was his brother.

    Having moved up here, I now have slim pickings in my loony-spotting compared to Lincoln.

  58. Swineshead Says:

    RIP – Stinky Simon.

    I’m sure he’d be honoured for that mention in the internet’s third most popular television blog (on wordpress) (only applicable on: 20.06.08)

  59. Swineshead Says:

    That was mean to be an ‘8’ and a close-parentheses or however you spell it.

    8)

  60. george Says:

    I took my first girlfriend to the cinema at the tender age of 16, only to see 50p lil (fat asian hooker known to the locals by been a complete tramp) take a shit-piss through what was left of her clothes in the entrance. She was a saint.

  61. Swineshead Says:

    Certainly gave you a talking point for the post-date drink, George. And if your date fucked off, you could always have had a go on Lil.

  62. Napoleon Says:

    I like the name ’50p Lil’.

  63. Napoleon Says:

    Oh! And I’ve just remembered ‘The Bandage’ – a bloke with a moustache who pretended he had a serious head injury by sporadically wearing a giant bandage on his head (with the obligatory tuft of hair sticking out of the top). Ten years I lived in that town, and that imaginary head injury never healed.

  64. Clarry Says:

    There were tonnes in Cambridge:

    The hunchback – A drunken midget with a hunchback who could be seen on the corner of Mill Road and Ross Street dramatically reinacting his days with Captain Douglas Barder. What a fine pair they’d make, literally and metaphorically legless…

    Tragic man – Used to sit in the launderette with his nutritious supper of a bottle of whisky and a raw cauliflower. Shouting loudly in Russian at anyone who dared use the drier next to him.

    And in Sleaford:

    The unfortunate masturbator – Could be seen with his hands down his pants most days, screaming ‘Where’s my pie, where’s my pie, where’s that lady with my pie?’

  65. Napoleon Says:

    Was this masturbating chap after my time? Or was he the same one I discovered wanking and talking to himself near the ralway lines after my eagle-eye spotted a trail of torn-up grumble?

  66. Clarry Says:

    No he’s an old one. Haven’t seen him for a good 15 years. Not sure if he’d the same one – did yours have blondey/gingery hair and an eye that looked in a different direction?

  67. Clarry Says:

    *he’s

  68. Napoleon Says:

    He may well have. Fifteen years ago was when I’d just left Sleaford, so it’s around about the right time.

  69. Swineshead Says:

    Anyone find out what’s up with Woo?

  70. HENRY DEAD Says:

    i like freaks. problem is i worry about slipping into that category of person myself. Even my friends don’t talk to me. i only shat in Newton Abbot high street, and then smashed an egg over my head.

  71. Napoleon Says:

    She’s back again. Keeping her cards close to her chest.

  72. Napoleon Says:

    Piqued’s been quiet of late.

  73. Gilbert Wham Says:

    See, this is what happens if you pump all the water out of East Anglia. It gives ’em a dry place to breed.

  74. Swineshead Says:

    Apparently he’s having a bit of a ‘mare at work.
    Unlike me – sitting about running the internet’s 2nd biggest blog.

  75. Clarry Says:

    P.S Up there I meant re-enacting…

  76. george Says:

    With this whole popularity thing does that mean I can start selling juicy stories to The Sun and all that lot? Not that I know any, but that’s never stopped them before.

  77. Swineshead Says:

    Not really, George – we just dropped out of the top 10.

    Fun while it lasted…

  78. george Says:

    damn. Ah well, you can always write an autobiography about your times in the top 3.

  79. Napoleon Says:

    That’s a shame. I dont’ know what stories you could sell anyway, George. We’ve hardly led a racey tabloid life … unless I’m wrong here.

  80. george Says:

    That doesn’t matter, Napoleon. Some unnamed hacks went after a friend of mine, he was dating Letitia Dean a while back, asked him for an interview. He didn’t want to. Check stuff like: http://strictlydancing.utopian-totality.co.uk/content/view/6157/1/: None of it has the slightest factual accuracy.

  81. Napoleon Says:

    The vipers.

  82. HENRY DEAD Says:

    i may be able to help you out with this blog publicity thing. my mum is part-celebrity. she’s written a book called ‘maggots’ that’s sold around 90 copies. she’s had a racey past and could attract a lot of attention to this neck of the woods.

  83. Beccy Says:

    I know someone called Simon who was on the third series of Shipwrecked, the one with Jade Goody’s moronic ex.

    He shaved his hair off to resemble a monk, stole a knife and went running off into the night saying his was going to murder everyone.

    They didn’t see the funny side and he was kicked off. Whoops.

  84. george Says:

    Ha!

  85. Swineshead Says:

    This is marvellous

    http://www.nimportequi.com/video_popupNEW.php?id_video=83

  86. Napoleon Says:

    That was an excellent video.

  87. HENRY DEAD Says:

    Naploean and Swineshead are police! they have this site up to catch out opionated people. tell them to fuck off back to the pig farm everyone!!

  88. Napoleon Says:

    Eh?

  89. extremelisteningmode Says:

    Sue Perkins gets on my tits. Was always a Mel man.

  90. Matt Says:

    I’ve never seen Shipwrecked, maybe I should glance over it one day, it seems compelling viewing. I also like Sue Perkins, however, to extend the discussion, I religiously watch cooking programmes; Oliver, Fearnley-Wassname, Nigel Slater, Saturday Kitchen, anything.

    Surely for a society that’s allegedly at its highest state of evolution, watching a man, or men, cooking food for an hour can’t be the most interesting piece of entertainment there is. Can it?

    Oh, and I like NCIS as well. There’s no justification for that. Apart from that Ziva, she can handcuff me to a chair and torture me any day.

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